It’s not that letting loose on the job is such a bad thing, since all of us do it from time to time. It’s just that these dudes’ job description involves wielding a gun and using violence against citizens. Something seems wrong with this scene, doesn’t it?

Gotta love the sycophants of the press in the room drooling all over the president. “Oooh, ooh, Mr. President, I love having moments of frankness with you! Because you’re just like us!!! Hey remember that time you killed that fly? That was awesome! You were like, a NINJA! LOL, Ninjas are awesome!!!!! Ninjas > Pirates! LOL!!!!!!!”

I myself must say, President Obama is so cool and in touch with our times. I am therefore led to believe that he should have the authority to forcibly take trillions of dollars from everyone else and drop bombs on dark-skins.

If you get past the game’s fluky nature (a natural byproduct of it being made by an independent development team and it using the source engine), what you find is a very fun and satisfying gameplay experience. While some of the effects are obviously cheeseball due to the Source engine’s limitations, you can still chop heads off, explode them, and otherwise kill people in very fun ways. Never mind the melee combat system, which allows each of the 9 classes 3 different types of melee attacks (categorized slash, stab, overhead swing, more or less) in addition to a parry or block (if carrying a shield).

Good reflexes and solid tactics set apart good players, and for the most part the game has few obvious exploits. In fact, something I’ve noticed about the game is that it plays very much as it did in its infancy, with only a select few people employing known and formulaic strategies for combat. The only really noticeable exception is the use of the Guardsman which uses a halberd, which has a certain formula for success – use the stab attack and then spin with mouselook. It’s not really unrealistic though, since it is a halberd after all and even a light graze from one would leave most people mortally wounded.

So, in short, in most scenarios the game is a very advanced rock-paper-scissors with movement in 3-dimensional space. Anticipating your opponents’ attacks goes a long way, since every move you make against an opponent typically presents its own disadvantages. Blocking limits your movement, drains stamina, and significantly limits your field of vision; attacking leaves you vulnerable to other attacks, or worse a parry which prevents you from blocking or attacking for a certain amount of time; and so on. Throw in an element of team play and the result is a very fun and intense close-quarters combat experience.

Since it’s a source game, however, you must be warned about the level of maturity present in the game. In terms of my overall online gaming experience, games on Steam tend to have the most children/morons/griefers. If there’s friendly fire, there are team killers who periodically appear and enjoy making things difficult. Voice spammers are also very popular in Source engine games, which typically involve incomprehensible screaming, music spam, or soundboards.

Now, let us speak about how *I* play this game: as an annoying skirmishy motherfucker known as the Javelineer.

The Javelineer

My class of choice is the ever-overpowered javelineer. They recently got rebalanced in a patch, but they’re still powerful. Armed with 6 javelins and a spear & buckler, the javelineer hurls javelins that do a lot of damage (they kill longbowmen, crossbowmen, and other javelineers in 1 hit). Everything else typically goes down in 2 hits (1 hit if it’s in the head). Besides, on a medieval battlefield, there’s lots of damage flying around, so often times your javelin will hit a foe who’s already taken a few sword slashes to the face.

The javelineers spear & buckler are no joke, either. They’re not armed as weakly as longbowmen, who only pack a modest short sword. The spear’s stab attack is very powerful, and is very effective in a support role (i.e. running up behind another dude engaged with one of your teammates and stabbing him in the back). There’s a swipe attack that’s not as useful (I still haven’t figured out when it’s best to use it). And, finally, javelineers can execute a short-range shield bash move that works very quickly, which is great for beating a wounded foe to the killing blow.

The javelineer’s key melee asset is the buckler, however. Though it looks tiny, the game designers decided for balance purposes that the shield blocks the same area as the shields of all the other classes. I very much enjoy the sense of frustration that fills my foes as they charge my puny leather-clad skirmisher body with a heavy knight, only to have me block their first blow and stab them in the face.

Ultimately, though, it’s the javelins that make the javelineer a javelineer. No kidding. The :ploischt: of a javelin piercing an enemy is a feeling I relish over, and over, and over. I’ve become very good at aiming the javelins, so every battle means a constant stream of kills as I skirmish around the battlefield. The overall flexibility of the class which comes as a trade for health/armor/melee damage fits my style of play, which is basically strategically darting in and out of conflicts and striking in areas of opportunity. And, most importantly, pissing people off. The nerd rage generated by one-shot kills from long range makes every minute of javelin practice worthwhile. Think of the nerd rage I generated in this very short match:

The Goatboi is almost an Age of Chivalry Javelineer LEGEND! Of course, I’m still mickey-mouse compared to the many people better at this game than I am who have moved on, but I still remain a pub server champion. And that’s good enough for me.

In my humblest of all humble godses opinion, this game is alone worth the $10 it will cost you to get a source game on your steam account. But besides this game, you’ll also get access to other cool games, like Zombie Master (a game where a “zombie master” controls zombies in an RTS role while survivors try to complete objectives on a map) and much, much more. After all, the source engine is the most popular engine when it comes to player-made mods, so you will find a lot of cool stuff out there to play, even if only for a little while.

Having seen Saget floating about helplessly like driftwood in the sea of celebrity careers has left an endearing impression on me, leading me to believe that he’d be great if someone would just give him a chance. He didn’t even get the good graces of being type-cast; after Full House, he was no-cast. I heard that he had a risque comedy routine, but that’s about it – him just playing up on his type-cast that never got casted. (Goody two-shoes family dad that millions watched on TV saying perverted things, hoo hoo ha.)

I saw a preview on ABC for Surviving Suburbia, and thought it looked funny enough to give it a shot. Needless to say, by the first break I had already commented, “this show is gonna get canceled.” The sitcom layout is very ’90s-like and the jokes lack some serious punch. The general theme of the humor is that Saget plays a disillusioned suburban dad who is a grump/doesn’t care and so on, and he has 3 children who all have formulaic “creative children with attitude” archetypes (something along the lines of 8 Simple Rules in terms of the writing, though less funny.) Also, much of the humor is topical, which really grinds my gears (opening scene had a Dancing with the Stars gag, daughter made a Zach Efron reference, etc.) When jokes aren’t funny, canned laughter is just GRATING (see The Dish with Danielle Fishel, the most unfunny ripoff of the Soup ever).

As for plot, in this episode the same old “protagonist falsely takes credit for and is praised by others for act of bravery” cliche is deployed. The only ‘twist’ is that the protagonist never comes clean with anyone but his wife. This is to purportedly reflect the cynical nature of the couple in question, thereby reinforcing the humor of the show. Ooooh. Fail.

All in all, this is a risky play by ABC that they MUST HAVE seen failing halfway through production, but hoped would test well among a small audience loyally dedicated to Danny Tanner. I think I’d go 10:1 that they’ll cancel it after one season, and maybe 1:1 that they’ll cancel it after just 4-6 episodes.

For Bob Saget’s sake, I hope I’m wrong, because that’s one of the worst pilots I’ve ever seen for a sitcom.

Turn on Undo Send in Gmail Labs under Settings, and you’ll see a new “Undo” link on every sent mail confirmation. Click “Undo,” and we’ll grab the message before it’s sent and take you right back to compose.

This feature can’t pull back an email that’s already gone; it just holds your message for five seconds so you have a chance to hit the panic button. And don’t worry – if you close Gmail or your browser crashes in those few seconds, we’ll still send your message.

This has a similar concept to setting your clock 10 minutes ahead so that you’re always on time. However, that advantage disappears if you consciously remember and act upon the fact that your clock is 10 minutes ahead. It looks like it’ll be effective as long as people don’t start waiting an extra 5 seconds after they send an email.

I know for all the emails I fire off without attachments, this is really handy. Unfortunately, I use Outlook (yeah, I occasionally use Microsoft products besides Windows XP) more than I use the gmail client, so this isn’t really a day to day option for me.

The post can be found at http://gmailblog.blogspot.com/2009/03/new-in-labs-undo-send.html

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Madoff Pleads Guilty to Ponzi Scheme, the Iraqi shoe-thrower gets hard time, Obama’s computer chief is discovered to be mixed up in some serious shit, and the U.S. has a military scrape with the Chinese. It’s a funny mix of irony and depression; a representative sampling of our times, if you will.

He ‘Made-off’ with Everyone’s Money, eh?

Yeah, I had to, before everyone else already did. Well, I bet they have, but you heard it first here.

The second greatest threat to mankind.

The Madoff story is plastered across the news, central to the obsessively point-missing brains of the media. Oh no, the theft of billions of dollars from hard-working Americans? By god, it’s a tragedy! May the Lord protect us from the savagery of our times.

The irony can’t be lost on everyone. Can it? Really? Madoff is speculated to have stolen ~$50 billion dollars since around ‘92. In FY08, the government spent $412 Billion on interest payments on the national debt alone. This is out of an approx. $3 trillion annual federal government budget. If you could muster up the lack of intellectual integrity to claim that less than 12% of that $412 billion was from unadulterated theft, I’d love to see the cajones on you saying that less than 1.6% of the whole federal budget is just plain fleecing. (bonus irony: Madoff is part of a storm for calls of increased financial regulation. The SEC apparently “failed to see the red flags.” I wonder how many red flags from a scammer inside the SEC the SEC would miss.)

A Violent Criminal Shoe-in

When Iraqi journalist Muntather Zaidi threw a shoe at President Bush, I was entertained.

The shoe throwing menace: Mankind's single greatest threat.

But now he got 3 years in prison, probably for assault. And indeed, how dare he throw a shoe at – assault, I dare say! – another human being? These insane criminals mustn’t be allowed to roam the streets freely, killing our children and raping our pets.

The irony of this one isn’t lost on Iraq, at least. Iraqis ain’t exactly the most progressive thinking folks and are not at the top of my “favorite cultures” list either, what with the Islam, the suicide bombing, and general shoe thumping behavior. But even they get the point.

“There is an honorable motive behind what he has done,” Saadi said. “This is a shoe [thrown] toward the president of the occupying state and not the tons of rockets and bombs that the Americans hit the Iraqis with!”

If you, your families, and friends died in droves, you’d get the point too.

“Revolutionizing the way the government buys technology from vendors”

The line (from the article) is really the only irony in this one, but it’s just the same old depressing stuff. Testament to the fact that finding purity in government is like finding virginity in a brothel. And such a shame, that we always forget about our local governments nickel & diming us to death. Depressing.

U.S. and China Erotically Circle Each Other

Fishin' for trouble. just 'cuz you're paying doesn't mean you get to choose what to catch. Obv.

A U.S. sub detector got in a little brush with a Chinese sub, which resulted in several Chinese vessels blocking its passage. The U.S. getting offended at hegemonic behavior? C’mon. C’mon! Humorously, a Chinese govtard replied by calling the U.S. actions “illegal.” It’s true – China is the most lawful repressive and arbitrary dictatorship in the world. However, if crushing dissenters with tanks isn’t ‘illegal’ to you, I don’t think your idea of lawful behavior is really meant to be “fair” or anything.

Note that this circle jerk is costing American and Chinese slaves millions of dollars daily. Depressing.

Wow, that was pretty dark. WAIT, don’t kill yourself yet! To brighten your sorry recession-struggling ass up, I present you with: LOLDog of the day. Enjoy. Savor.

Naturally, that’s just my far-fetched attempt to make this post relevant to you, the reader. In actuality, this is just an exercise of planting myself at the center of the universe and making you read my whimsical insights on a problem rapidly becoming irrelevant. Proceed, patron.

Here’s a situation: you’ve purchased a stale croissant and a skinny latte from your local starbucks. Your total: $4.33 (OK, so it’s 1875. Bear with me.). You hand the cashier a fiver. The cashier dutifully slips the bill into the register, pulls out the coins and bills the machine has told them to pull out, rips the receipt out from the printer, and holds them out for you. If you reach out with one hand, you get it all, in the order preferential to the cashier.

The dangers of hard currency.

Forget your dreams of a quick in-and-out, too. Now you’ve got to sort out this deal with the bills, the change, and the receipt, all the while accounting for your consumables/merchandise. Do you just shove it all in your pocket, intending to sort it out later, hopefully before you need to reach for your keys and run the risk of pulling it all out in a money shitstorm? Or do you break it down piece by piece, blocking the way for people behind you? Getting it all-in-one is far from an efficient solution. Dollars-receipt-change, or receipt-change-dollars, either way it’s a fuck-ton of inconvenience that you’re put through in order to regain control of MONEY THAT WAS YOURS ALREADY.

Maybe you’re in the drivethru at Wendy’s, an experience intended to be convenient for you. You pay in cash, and in return you get this odd change-on-bills-on-receipt deal, except now you’re fighting gravity as you reach upward. Any amateur physicist could tell you, of course, that flimsy dollars do NOT provide a strong surface for supporting coins which are on top of coins. They create a slip-friendly surface. If you drop your coins, well, you’re fucked. Try to step out of your car in the small space between you and the window, as you awkwardly paw around for your change. Meanwhile, you’re disrupting the whole idea of fast & convenient food.

When you’re young, coins seem cool because they’re metal and shiny and they often represent denominations of money that are very important to a child. In a way, they hearken to bad-ass times in which you swaggered about with a sack of gold coins on your belt as testament to your manhood. A “second sack,” so to speak. Coins also remind us of the clinking and clanging of Jesus’s temple tantrum. Would it have been the same without the gold coins? Would it have?

As the financial sector advances technology, the messiah shows no indication of returning, and we get older, though, coins just become a pain the ass.

Having circulated for as long as 5 decades, coins tend to be very unsanitary. While paper currency in general can also be unsanitary, they usually eschew the more grotesque accumulations of coins, which include all manner of gummy, sticky, discolored, etc. substances. (Some articles for you to waste some time on)

Coins also tend to scratch expensive electronics in your pocket. Ever owned an iPod or a cell phone? Making electronics and coins roommates makes for more conflict than DJ and Stephanie Tanner in Season 3, except with permanent physical damage, mostly to the $100+ piece of electronics and not to the $0.25 quarter. But don’t worry, the Federal Reserve has certainly been and continues to be doing a number on that via inflation, so all the bases are covered.

Financially speaking, coins are simply too small to receive the relatively large amount of attention they often require, so they are lost cent-by-cent until you find that entire dollars are unaccounted for. Oops.

A Larger Social and Economic Context?

I figured I’d get that all out of my system before we fully enter the age of electronic payment and this rant becomes obsolete. Why? Because an injustice of the past is still an injustice. Yeah, that means you, apologists for the Crusades, the slave trade, the Vietnam war, etc. And yeah, that means you, lazy cashiers. Judging by the amount of cash transactions that take place each year in the U.S alone, cashiers are responsible for for what could possibly classified as the economic effects of a genocide. GENOCIDE, PEOPLE.

How many people have bent down for dropped coins, aggravating back problems? Have created an unsanitary environment for themselves and their children because of microbes present on the physical currency? Have held up a line while fumbling to store the the coins in a pocket or purse, cash in a wallet, and the receipt elsewhere? The list of grievances is far from trivial.

Action must be taken, but please, for cheap labor’s sake, DO NOT write your Congressman. Prohibitive workplace health and “productivity” regulations at the macroeconomic level will probably make for many more angry and unemployed ethnic youths in America and several thousand more pregnant women dying in the streets of Juarez. Change CERTAINLY isn’t Congressional expertise.

(Multiple entendres present, including but not limited to:

1) Congress’s inability to get anything done with regards to progress, particularly the lunatic objectives it promises to achieve under most people’s lunatic definitions of progress.

2) Congress’s inability to deal in small denominations of money. In consideration that even billions of dollars are not enough to content a MULTI-TRILLION DOLLAR MONEY-HUNGRY BEAST for a country of a mere 300 million, a quarter has probably not seen its way through Capitol Hill since 1826. I wouldn’t be surprised if their vending machines only accepted Omnibus Appropriations Bills.

3) Congress’s expected total lack of knowledge of anything practical, technological, or scientific, which would include management of a national currency that happens to literally be monopoly money.)

WASHINGTON, D.C. -

At a White House press conference held Thursday, President Barack Obama promised a new, full-frontal assault on “the few remaining bulges” of insurgents in Iraq’s most vulnerable regions.

The President at Friday's press conference, explaining how the new approach will work.

“We are going to withdraw by August 2010 as promised, but not before we relieve some of the tension that remains in Iraq,” said Obama. “We will carefully seek out [Al-Qaeda's] members; we will masterfully bait them, if we must. It’s about time we beat off these insurgents once and for all.” The President did not go into the military specifics of the new campaign, but pledged to “push and pull” the insurgents until “[they] can’t hold out anymore.”

Some Obama administration skeptics, who feared that the Obama administration would let the gains of the past few years in Iraq fall limp, applauded the new efforts. “The past couple of years have seen insurgents jerking us in every direction. It’s about time we return the favor and jerk them around for a change,” said James G. Roche, former Secretary of the U.S. Air Force, now a contributor to the neoconservative Center for Security Policy. Many strategic think tanks like the CSP have argued that the solution to the insurgent problem is to find their major local leaders and rub them out, even if only one or two. “The problem with the Middle East is that faith is so ingrained in people’s heads that none of these nuts are ever busted,” Roche added.

When asked to reflect on prior strategy used during the war, the Commander in Chief responded that “The prior approach has been arguably a ham-handed one, and it’s no surprise that it’s had a chafing effect in Iraq. We’re not just going to use our hands—we’re going to use our heads. We have a commitment to getting to the meat of the situation. By the time we withdraw, I will ensure that Iraqis can take care of each other, giving Iraq the happy ending it was promised in 2003.”

Obama’s closing remarks warned Americans to not rest on their laurels, pointing as always to the extensive work to be done ahead. “It’s going to be a lot of work; a lot of hard, manual labor. And then some more – because cleaning up the mess is going to be just as important. Whatever happens, I know that only with the right grasp of things, a little elbow grease, and diligent repetition will we see the seeds of peace sown in Iraq.”

I know I’m prepared enough to do it.

It’s all about execution for me.

Test-taking conditions.

Mind-set. I can do this, I say to myself. I will do this.

For the entire semester, we had another teacher on the other side of our classroom wall who was very loud. How fortunate for me that his class’s final exam time was at the same time as ours. Being the unconventionally loud guy that he is, he just absolutely needed to do an unconventional exam. Two minutes into the test, I hear from the other side of the wall:

“Alright guys, you are going to be graded on your participation! You can not sit there silent the whole time! You must find any excuse you can to not be silent!”

Facepalm.

There was music. There was laughter. There were loud speeches. There was great merriment and cheer. I’m sure there was pizza too. Maybe even a keg.

Certainly, I’m no tight-ass. I’ve had my share of shouting and such, so have your loud and expressive fun all you want. I’m sure it’s a great fucking class. Perhaps, however, that shit should have been done somewhere other than a dense bank of classrooms taking finals.

I got a B- in the class. Lies.