Every day there are new gifts delivered as someone is born. The only thing people can see are the prices that are paid and not the talent that is delivered. It is in there somewhere, it is in every one of us. The boy discovers his power unraveling it inch by inch with still miles to go. As soon as the gift was discovered, the soul becomes a warrior, with the heart like a shield. He is a completely different person on the inside, but he is the exact same person the whole entire time.

When he was born, the masterpiece was delivered, but so was the bill. The gift is invisible, but the bill isn’t. The price that was paid was unbearable. The mother goes through more pain seeing the child on wheels, than the child does. The cost is something that never goes away. It can’t be lived with, but it also can’t be lived without. The symptoms never go away and get worse over time. Dying to figure out the answer to the million dollar question, the caring mother goes to the doctors, but they tell her he is normal. Years pass, it seems hopeless. After hundreds of visits one man stands out of the crowd and diagnoses a disease. Both shocked and pleased, the mother solved the enigma. A genetic test all the way across the country solved the riddle. When the word of the diease was given was introduced, the tides turned. Her heart was sowed back together. Then the gift became visible. The doctor showed the statistics of IQ for the disease to me. It was like getting a blessing. Out of nowhere the confidence overwrites my thinking and turned me into a genius. It was a completely different world for me, but nothing had changed.

It has made me into someone that most people will only dream of. At the time it seemed hard to believe. Removing tumors one step at a time is like paying for the piece one step at a time. It isn’t half bad to stand out from the crowd in a positive way, with the only cost requiring a couple of surgeries every decade and an MRI scan twice a year. Every step is another step toward exterminating the imperfection but not taking away the gift.

Everyone in the world has a gift. Going through this process doesn’t create one; it lets someone know what theirs is. It turns someone into a hero. It destroys the poison that prevented them from being optimistic. This life changing experience has always boggled my mind: If the doctor wouldn’t have told me the gift that I have, would I be as successful as I am now in school? This has proved that it is better to have a disability, endowment, and be strong in the inside than it is to be normal. Another question that is equally puzzling is: Is the reason why I am smart because I think I am, or is it because of genetics? It is better to think that you have a gift and develop one than have a gift and not use it.

Standing out of the crowd is both the most marvelous, and the worst part. It has turned me into a model, every day discovering something new that the gift can do. It has taught me that a person’s optimism is generated by their perspective on things. The most important thing to remember is it is not the drawback itself that is the worst part. It is how it affects a person mentally. Self esteem and fear is like its own disease. This occurs during the early stages of becoming a hero. This is cured when the trip to becoming a warrior is complete. Fear eats the victim faster than the tumors do. Knowing what the gift is, curse this.

tucked tight within them. 

We all hold close our coats of normal,

our means of putting that one foot

in front of the other, that one day

after this one day.

You turn the corner and I feel you before

I see you and as we greet I’m aware

of your casual assessment

of my sanity this day.

Inside your space I love the large windows

looking out to the trees, a shelter from it all.

I look to them first and the green feels like home

although I am far from it.

Here I can feel the edges round out,

my words landing soft.

Make no mistake, my mind still stumbles

but the pillows and the black chairs

keep it from running and

dragging the thick mud

coating its thirst for control.

Mocha walls and muted light,

a cave you have created.

Your talent beyond the molecular psyche.

Even the fountain I questioned

with its bubbling light, hums a velvety line,

“You are safe with me, within these walls.”

It is here I will let go of all that is in.

The whole of the knot, twisted and tight.

It is here, from the beginning

I will rip a piece, small yet significant,

and hand it broken to you.

This piece and the next piece I give

and you take.  Gentle in your hands

you see what I don’t, you hear what I can’t.

Together we sift and we weed,

with your craft and my need,

through what I have brought you,

the unraveled history called my story.

SPMc

5/2010

What is boredom?  How do we know when we ate it is because we were actually only bored?  Is boredom disguising some other feeling? Is the urge to eat chocolate really helping the boredom? What can change that empty, restless, alone feeling—empty candy wrappers,  glaring at computer images, surfing the web—doesn’t really change that does it? Eating feels a little good, and yet, how much does it take to feel better?  Tight seams on the pants or top and tugging on the jeans zipper doesn’t add to more good feelings; or how about creating more distractions—isn’t that what we really thought we could do with the food ? Distract ourselves? What happens if we don’t attempt to distract and we simply sit with the feeling or the discomfort? What is the boredom covering up? Loneliness? Is the chocolate going to curtail the loneliness? The anger or the? Aren’t there better treatments? Can’t we eat and enjoy the chocolate for its own sake?  How about sitting with boredom? Can we let that be what it is?

Keep in mind that it will take some time for this new habit to become established into your routine. However, the process of breaking a bad habit is so much quicker and easier if the focus is on your intention -  an exciting new habit – not just on breaking that old bad habit.

Give yourself time and space to practice. Allow for mistakes, and forgetting. This is all an expected part of your transition. It’s normal to feel tension in the process of creating a new routine. Each and every time you act on your new habit, it grows stronger.

You can do it. Don’t give up! 

You must repeat your new conscious thought or action again and again.  Too often, a person begins to change a habit, but then goes back to the same old unwanted feeling or action. That rut begins to re-form. To change the habit now feels like starting over.

This is why old habits are so hard to break. But you can do it!  It will take time.  Each time you resist that old habit, you are making progress.

I hear the cat chewing his food

I see the green leaves of the ficus tree

I taste my lemon tea

I smell the air through the open windows

I feel the cushion of the sofa beneath me

Repeat this process with new sensations, using only four senses. Then repeat again, using only three. Finally, you are left with only one sense to focus on.

The act of attending completely to the senses of your body brings you out of your head and back into your body. This is the antidote to an anxious brain. It grounds you in the moment. Instead of time traveling, you slow down time.

Perhaps as you sit in front of your computer, you can imagine that you see me. Perhaps you’re even doing what I call time traveling, imagining you’re somewhere else.  You might be lamenting a past digression or planning for a future mishap. Not one of these activities involves being grounded in the here and now.

What would you say to being here and now?  You start by tuning into the sensations around you. For example, if you’re at a swimming pool, being grounded means smelling the damp chlorinated water,  feeling the harsh concrete, catching the wavering neon lights reflected on the swirling water, and hearing the echoing voices of earnest participants.

Is it hard for you to stay grounded in the present moment? What price do you pay? When finished, where do you return? When do you say, “I’m back”?

I hope you will accept my challenge to live right here in this present moment. Can you do it?  If not for me, then for you.

I attempt to distract myself with thoughts of family, work, and to do lists.  Nothing works. I find myself mentally rehearsing the exit plan for locating to another hobby club. This settles me, and I continue thinking of the details of my action plan until the crunch of gravel announces I have arrived at my destination. I focus on my tasks and goals, the reason I am here. I ask myself: how is it that a hobby has turned into an unpleasant affair?

I reach my usual spot and become aware once again of the pull of energy. There are whispers in the corners, gossip and tension. I can’t put my finger on what’s going on. Will I be forced to take sides? Neither side seems right in this conflict.  I feel the unspoken messages in the silences between the words. I don’t want to be part of this. The energy hooks you in, enticing and seducing you to feed it; it grows and spreads. That’s the way with drama.

When I encounter drama in my life, I work to practice good healthy habits, distancing myself so I don’t catch this viral contagion. 

Silent
Stable
Peaceful
Inclusive
Calm
Joyful
Easy
Friendly
Nonjudgmental
Balanced
Restful
Fluid
Unaffected
Undisturbed
Appropriate
Respectful of Boundaries
Enduring
Empowering
Positive