Well folks another season of “Can My Fetus Take Drivers Ed Too?” is coming to an end. Part of me wants to say “finally!” whilst the other part of me wants to say “finally!”  Either way, you might as well join me on my Facebook page (click here, jerks) so that we can really get to know each other before the final season of Teen Mom starts up.  Anygut, if you ever wanted to know what it would be like to see Renee Graziano as a knocked up 16 year old, well, I’d like to introduce you to Devon.  Our little Devon just breezed past her Quinceanera and is now 16 years old and with child.  She lives in the part of Virginia where apparently everyone speaks in a slow whisper tone while cameras are in their faces.  We also get to meet Devon’s boyfriend named Colin.  He’s 4 years older than her and is in the Army so this alleged case of statutory rape is perfectly fine and acceptable. In case you’re wondering “statutory rape” is the act of “playing boom boom with a statue.”  Plus, it’s Virginia so I’m sure the authorities are just psyched they’re not brother and sister.  I am, of course, joking as I don’t really know anything about Virginia including where on the map it actually is. I’d guess south east of Puerto Rico, but one can’t really be sure.  This loving couple does the typical “couple walk” where they slowly stroll up the street with a camera crew and discuss how they met and how they got pregnant.  If you guessed “a penis in a vag” you’d be wrong.  You should have guessed, “what is a penis in a vag.”  Jeopardy rules apply to everything in life.  Also, in case you haven’t noticed I’m tossing in a lot of filler because this episode was as snooze.

Devon lives with about 8 other members of her family in a tiny doll house. I like to pretend they’re neighbors are Polly Pocket and the Berenstain Bears.  One of the residents is her jealous 17 year old sister who also has a baby.  You totally know she’s pissed that MTV never cast her last season but I’m sure her mother (who is like the poorer mans Dina Lohan) was busy putting pinholes in the condoms to help ensure her darker daughter would become pregnant.  Plus this gave her more time to paint the walls some vibrant colors that would really pop on the audition tape.  Either way, Devon got herself cast and the rest his herstory.  See what I did there?  Yeah, I hated it too.  Devon may not be the sharpest tool in the crayon box (?) as she didn’t realize she was pregnant for 5 full months.  I mean, that makes sense.  She probably thought her mom couldn’t pay the bills any more so the stork stopped sending her her period.  That is how that works, right?  Either that or her crunchy wet curls truly froze her brain.  To be honest, I’d be fine with either of those scenarios.

Can you tell I’m yawning?  I am.  Devon’s mom, Robin, enjoys things like sitting on the porch and giving her daughter wonderful words of encouragement about her pregnancy like, “Honestly, it’s kind of embarrassing.”  Sure she has two daughters who aren’t old enough to vote yet and both have kids, but that is nothing to be embarrassed about.  I’m more embarrassed that Devon seems to think that anyone is still doing face piercings anymore.  If her mom was smart she would have forced Devon to pierce her “gentlemen greeter” closed until she was old enough to rent a car.  In fact, can we just make that a law?  I’m sure they’ll be doing that at Claire’s in the mall by 2015.  Per usual I was going to suggest the same kind of treatment but with a wine cork and some Elmer’s glue cement, but I’m really trying to get with the times and become more technologically advanced and I really think snatch piercings is the way to go.  I’m sure you agree.  In fact, I know you do.  I can just tell. You’re those kind of people.  The kind of people I like. #SnatchPiercings

Everything else was pretty normal in this episode which was too bad for us.  Devon’s boyfriend was surprisingly not a complete douche-trap as he was working two jobs and also fought in Iraq.  I mean, I’m a completely horrific person but even I am not going to make fun of someone who fought in Iraq for my freedom.  Devon clearly agrees because after Colin came back from Iraq she evidently got on her back.  I like when I make things rhyme.  For those of you reading this in some of our mid-western states like Maine and Seattle, that is how raps are formed.  The More You Know.  Also, sit Ubu sit.  Good dog (woof!).  Moving on.  What also entertained me this episode was the baby shower.  To be honest it wasn’t as trashy as I would have liked it to be (meaning there weren’t people with dirty bare feet and Kool Aid mustaches over their actual mustaches) but we were given the gift of puffy leather.  Devon was sitting on my favorite genuine leather puffy leather recliner, whilst some of her guests were lounging on a puffy suede couch.  The point is that the baby could have been consummated on either pieces of furniture and the clean up would have been a breeze.  Devon got everything she wanted from the baby shower except a third trimester abortion kit that I would have obviously brought had I been invited.  In case you’re wondering what a third trimester abortion kit consists of, it’s actually just a tape of “Alyssa Milano’s Teen Steam Workout Video” and the white arm from a standard Mr. Potato Head set.  You do the math.

Later Devon finally is ready to go into labor, as she woke up from her slumber and thought she was leaking.  She’s real quick.  I’m sure that GED will be not an issue for her.  Just answer “C” for everything and let the chips fall where they may.  She heads off the el hospital which I’m shocked wasn’t a red barn with piles of hay and fetus juice everywhere.  Alas, it was a real live building with actual doctors inside.  After 9 hours of shaking and crying it was finally time for a little Pitocin!  Hooray!  After another few hours she was ready for her Epidural and our 16 & Pregnant Bingo Game was complete.  Ole!   Then, after 127 hours, Devon finally gave birth to a little baby boy whose name I think was Michael Landon.  Speaking of which, how come there isn’t one channel on my $143.00/month cable box (giggity) that plays reruns of Highway to Heaven?  Do you think Della Resse doesn’t allow it because of the similarity to Touched By An Angel?  I always loved when Della would sass out things like, “Come on angel baby, let’s go!”  Why we can’t only live in the 90’s is beyond me.

In the end (and I’m skipping a lot because, well, I get to) these crazy kids tried to buy a house and were pre-approved for $127K, which is great for them because that, I believe, is the actual sale price of the entire state of Virgina.  I’m kidding.  It’s $128K and your front tooth.  Sadly, just when they thought they saw a house they liked (that was 6 times the size of my apartment and 1/10th of the price) poor Colin lost his job.  That sucks.  To make things worse he’ll probably have to reenlist in the Army just so they can get by and be able to afford a house.  Luckily the war will be over soon and I’m not educated enough to know who and where we are currently fighting so I think their best bet would be to just stay in Virginia and rent an apartment and, obviously, sell their baby to the highest bidder.  But that, per usual, goes without saying.

Want to provide me with an education?  Well start by joining me on my Facebook page. The 5,000th Facebook friend wins a free shot of Pitocin. Ole!

More 16 & Pregnant Recaps:
If Kelly Clarkson Had Lost American Idol
Is There a Baby on My Stomach?!
When House Hunters Meets Hoarders Meets Amber and Gary’s Summer Cottage
Long Live Davy Jones!
Drop Dead Fred Fathers a Child
Dora and the Cage Fighting “Model”
The One with Selena’s Killer
Mackenzie and that Damn Rodeo

There.  I said it.  What in the holy hell happened to this show?  Remember when it used to consist of stereotypical Italians living in Jersey and flipping tables over prostitution whore books?  Those were simpler and happier times.  This time around we’re spending 60 minutes on everyones kids and 40 minutes of that is about Gia and her lack of rackage.  I feel like I have to, by law, introduce myself to all my neighbors just from merely recapping this.  I mean, I have to do it anyway so might as well knock on a few more doors.  I’m kidding.  I’m not a sexual predator.  Was that not clear?  Eh, either way.  If anyone is wondering why Milania will end up serving 25-to-life, enter Barney Rubble.  Tre-bagger and her husband are driving to the oddly positioned hairline factory and Barney is all in a midget-like huff over Tre’s brother and her family.  He’s spitting and swearing and extending his Cee Lo Gree elf arms as he yells and calls Doozer a r*tard.  Way to keep it PC while a camera is in your face.  At one point he tells Tre to shut up and listen to him when he tells her to.  Personally I think he should have told her to shut up and dance and then Bravo could have pencil-sketched in MC Skat Kat.  Sometimes I think I dream even bigger than Oprah allows me to.  Barney is totally going to be the gossipy b*tch in cell block C.  I’m just hoping the other inmates will assume he’s just a child serving Juvie due to both his height and reading level.  #SmokingStuntsYourGrowth.

And it wouldn’t be a regular episode if one of Lauren’s parents weren’t making Lauren feel like her obesity is the worst thing that’s ever happened to The America and, you know what, it kind of is.  Albert is at the driving range with Lauren and basically saying that she’s built like a man and most likely is sprouting a penis with each cheeseburger she shovels on in her facia bruta.  Truth be told, I like Lauren and I don’t think she’s really that big.  I think she just has a large head and knockers that won’t quit.  I mean, they won’t try either.  Lauren should totally get that gastric bypass surgery and then come find me in NYC and kick my ass.  I deserve it.  What I don’t deserve is having to listen to Caroline telling a story of Albie taking Lauren to her Prom because no one else would ask her.  I’m sure they edited out the part where she tears up when Lauren gives birth to Albie’s baby in the bathroom and then makes it back to the dance floor in time to finish up the last part of the Electric Slide.

Later, when Teresa and the girls are all dressed like the Fly Girls, Gia (z-snap) decides that now is the time to bring up the “fact” on camera that her ten year old body is sprouting breasts and therefore she needs a bra.  I think that makes sense.  Teresa is busy feeling up her daughter to see if she really does need a bra but claims she can’t feel anything.  It’s such a rookie mistake, actually.  Everyone knows, thanks to that episode of Who’s the Boss when Sam needed her first bra, the way to test for that is by catching a football.  If it hurts, you’re ready.  If it hurts it also means your housekeeper father will be buying you a training bra without a little flower in the middle of it because, lets face it, he doesn’t know you at all.  Luckily the lady of the house, who is an Ad Exec on Madison Avenue, will be there to save the day and get you the bra you’ve always wanted.  Please note that this same lady may open the door in a pink bathrobe with a white towel on her head and your lives will forever be changed.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, during all this bra and period talk (that should come with a warning and/or disclaimer) we get to see Gia perform a nice dance while Milania shakes her butt and pushes the littlest Guidice to the ground in one karate chop motion.  I’m in the process of a letter writing campaign that will require, by law, Milania to wear a helmet cam at all times.  She’ll be like a modern day coal miner but, you know, with all her teeth.  Obviously.

Since not much else is going on (and Rosie is nowhere to be found) Teresa brings Gia to get her very first bra.  I have to admit this scene is probably the only one that was real this entire season.  Tre-bagger is killing herself laughing the whole time, probably because she’s realizing how ridic this whole thing is.  Although something inside of me is suggesting that this is all a set up so that Tre can get Gia her own Bravo spin-off called, “Don’t Be Tardy for Your Period.”  If anyone should be taking Gia bra shopping it should Barney.  He’s clearly a D and has the most experience.  Plus, whilst incarcerated Barney will be forced into countless wet t-shirt contests where he’ll win pack of gum and condoms so he can make balloon animals for his bunkmate/boyfriend.  To sum up, he’s going to be busy.

While all of this is going on (and LC is interning in Paris) a Family Field Day is about to take place over at Jacqueline’s house.  It’s basically like any Brady Bunch episode where they had to have a potato sack race to see who got phone privileges.  It was also the way to settle who was going to give Sam the Butcher a “handy” when Alice was too tired.  It was in the E! True Hollywood Story, I believe.  Everyone is having a good old time at the Field Day except for Gia who is throwing an actual fit because Zio Joe is cheating and Gia “hates cheaters.”  Ironically though she doesn’t hate her father.  Gia shouldn’t cry so much during these competitions because her braces are going to rust.  It’s a real thing.  Everyone is laughing and getting along because (1) they’re probably all drunk and (2) they’re probably hypnotized by Melissa’s vagiola that’s hanging out of her short shorts.  Lauren looks pissed, yet hungry.  Something to think about.  It was, however, after the three-legged race that Gia has her final meltdown of the crapisode.  Gia starts screaming and crying and finally goes and pouts inside the house.  She starts getting mouthy to Jacqueline and Caroline and tells Jacqueline to leave and go outside if she doesn’t like Gia sitting there upset.  Where’s the wooden spoon and bar of soap when you need it?  Since Caroline doesn’t have much else going on she decides to give Gia a little lecture all while Jacqueline brings out a book to read to Gia about sore losers.  She should have read her “The Little Engine That Couldn’t Wear a Bra.”  That would have helped her more.  Gia is screaming that she wants “Mom” and no one will go and get her.  I think she’s technically being kidnapped but I can’t be absolutely sure at this point.  Once Teresa finally arrives in the house she’s there to comfort Gia whose only defense is “who reads a book!?”  It’s nice to hear the Guidice family motto.  Although I thought everyone read a book…especially when it’s a page-turning cook book?

In the end I actually felt bad for Gia, partially because we had to listen to her talk about her bra and partially because she was doing the ugly cry during the last 20 minutes…and it was filmed…and aired…all across the world.  It would be like when you and your sibling were little and were invited to a wedding and you would spend the whole time screaming and making dumb faces into the camera…and then it was aired…internationally.  Either way, ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!

Hey y’all!  Turn on the Closed Captioning because it’s time for another crapisode of “I’s Thoughts Condoms Were For Catchin Fireflies.”  And this time we’re down south again so good luck trying to piece together what in the holy hell anyone is saying.  This time around we get to meet Sarah.  She’s 16 years old and as a twist, she’s pregnant.  I know.  I was caught off guard too.  Sarah lives in what I can only assume is pronounced “Chicken Sh*t” Georgia and she looks how Kelly Clarkson would look had she not won Season One of American Idol.  Moreover, Sarah was planning on going to college if there wasn’t a human ready to burst out of her body and she was even going to one day be a journalist.  In Chicken Sh*t, GA, “being a journalist” is interchangeable with “being featured on an episode of COPS.”  Same/same.

Sarah landed herself a pale Ging who is quite the catch (re-read the first part) and also he dropped out of high school so he could focus more time on playing video games and working on a boats a couple of hours a week.  But, ladies, before you brush by his personal ad, you have to know he has big dreams of working on a shrimp boat.  Even more importantly, I’m pretty sure he used the Flowbee on his hair so that he can perfect the helmet with earmuffs look that is all the rage on the runways of Milan.  #FashionForward.  His name is Blake but I’m almost certain it’s pronounced “Blank” because that’s the look he gives on the regular.  The silver lining in all of this is that even though he doesn’t go to school he and Sarah found out they’re having a baby girl and plan on naming her Tit-Leaves.  At least that’s pretty much what I thought they’ve been saying this whole time.  I think it’s sweet.  It has a nice ring to it.  It really says, “You can put your face in them, but can’t touch them unless we go back to the private room and you leave your credit card with the bouncer.”  I think it’s Latin.  Either way, good for her.  I have no idea.

Another unsung hero this episode is Sarah’s mother Tina.  She is everything you could ever want and less.  She spends most of her time working out her neck rolls and sitting on plastic chairs scattered all over the front lawn and other random areas of the property.  However, the winner of this entire episode is the house itself.  I know I’ve said this in the past, but this house is really like a typical house on Hoarders.  There is sh*t everywhere.  I can honestly say that I really wasn’t paying attention to what was going on in this episode because I just kept looking in the background of every single scene.  And I’m not kidding.  Plus, it’s not like I could understand a word anyone was saying.  Even the sub-titles they used when Blank would talk basically had question marks after most of the words.  Anyjunk, there was crap everywhere.  Everywhere.  The kitchen should have been condemned.  The “hutch” in the “dining room” was stacked with tea cups, receipts, and a few curling irons..as any good hutch would.  Everything in every room in the house was just basically stacked like a white trash game of Topple and, spoiler alert, I loved that game growing up.  I started making a list of random stuff I saw in the background throughout this show.  At one point Sarah and her friend were sitting outside drinking something (bleach, probably) and I saw a wooden ducks, a Christmas wreath, a can of Raid, and an “old-timey” high-chair (most likely painted with the fanciest lead paint 1972 can buy!) Later as Sarah and her mom are chatting outside I spotted a giant bottle of Dr. Pepper on a table, a 6 pack of sidewalk chalk, a Spongebob radio, and a half set-up game of Mousetrap.  This has turned into “Antiques Roadshow” for “the poors.”  It’s  like, “Your ceramic bear climbing the tree would have been worth more if you didn’t put cigarettes out in its nose.”  Common mistake.

Beyond the fact her entire neighborhood looks like the aftermath of a nasty tornado in the Bible Belt, Sarah has some problems on her hands.  Her boyfriend, Blank, and her mom barely get a long.  I think it’s a communication issue…meaning they both can’t understand what the F the other one is saying.  Tina thinks that Blank should be giving Sarah $10 per week from his paycheck so she can buy diapers.  It’s then that I realized that I no longer had any right being pissed off when my Stella is never on the happy hour menu.  This show is sobering.  Luckily the shots of vodka that I’m doing just to get through this is reversing that sobering effect.  Blank is a real piece of work because he won’t go to Sarah’s aunt’s house to pick up the crib they’re getting for free and set it up.  Tina, on the other hand, is being your regular enabler by letting Blank live with them because is mother is most likely boiling  meth in her crotch and selling it at a carnival.  Allegedly.  To make things worse, Tina still does Sarah’s hair and makeup for her every single day.  She’s basically the one at fault for Sarah getting pregnant.  I mean, she probably even shaved her “gentlemen greeter” and then instructed Sarah, “Don’t you show this to no one, ya hear?”  That’s probably for her daddy anyway.  I’m kidding.  He’s nowhere to be found.

We learn that Sarah doesn’t like it when the doctor shoves her hand up her vagiola to make sure a baby is still in there (?) because she squeals each time…but not with delight.  She must have been a real treat during the conceiving of Tit-Leaves.  Tina takes a different car than Blank and Sarah because she hates him.  They fight the whole car ride there and back and Blank might be saying he’s going to go work on a shrimp boat or he could be reciting the last versus of “Michael Michael Motorcycle.”   To be honest, we’ll never know.  We’d need to hire forensics to help figure this out and, well, I don’t have that kind of money.  All I know is that Blank has a dress-shirt on a hanger hanging in his back seat.  Where would he be going where he would need a collar and buttons?  Perhaps people of the south attend funerals for sport?  Later after another fight, Sarah calls her mom to let her know that Blank is threatening to move out of the house.  Suddenly they show up back at the house and Tina is sitting out there on her plastic chair in plain old squalor.  I have no idea where she was.  I think she was sitting in front of the house, but it could have been the garage.  Honestly, it’s hard to tell the difference when rusted out trucks and cars are abandon in both places.  It’s like that episode of Intervention where the lady would sit on a metal folding chair in her garage and just pop pills all day.  Ahhh those were simpler times.  Blank storms off in a pale huff and shows up two days later with a bag of chips and a card for Sarah to say “sorry.”  He claims the chips are his version of flowers and if I read it correctly in the sub-titles he called them “tater chips.”  So these people really do exist, huh?  Interesting.  I think those parts of the country should have their own President, which of course would end up being Mayor McCheese.  But that obviously goes without saying.

Everything else was dumb in this episode, per usual.  Sarah tried everything to induce labor which included normal things like sex with a donkey and drinking antifreeze.  Something must have worked because later she went into labor…but ended up having to go with the C-section.  I mean, I’m not a doctor, but I’m guessing a C-section means they cut you at your “C?”  You knew I would eventually go there.  The baby was healthy and we got to watch the whole things as a Polaroid sequence, which is just as terrible as it sounds.  The baby cries all night and Blank is dumb so he has no clue what to do.  He got a job at night working at a grocery store so he sleeps all day and barely helps out.  That’s surprising because he was really a giant bottle of piss and vinegar prior to the baby being born.  After yet another fight, Blank decides to peace out and move an hour away so he could work on that beloved shrimp boat and really start living the American Dream.   Sarah is obviously pissed and her mother makes sure to tell her over and over again that he left her.  That’s sweet.  Once Blank finally calls Sarah she tells him that she hopes he falls overboard.  She shouldn’t wish for things like that because if he dies who’s going to give her $10 per week for diapers?  I mean, that kind of money isn’t easy to come by.

Want to give me $10 per week?  Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s cut a deal.  And don’t forget to click the “Recommend/Like” button on this blog post.  Maybe if I get 300 Likes I’ll recap the final season of Teen Mom that starts on June 12th.  See what I did there?

More 16 & Pregnant Recap:
Is There a Baby on My Stomach?!
When House Hunters Meets Hoarders Meets Amber and Gary’s Summer Cottage
Long Live Davy Jones!
Drop Dead Fred Fathers a Child
Dora and the Cage Fighting “Model”
The One with Selena’s Killer
Mackenzie and that Damn Rodeo

Everyone and your filthy mother is writing about our poor little Lisa Turtle and her new facia bruta that has popped up all over the place thanks to a video from Yahoo.  Personally I find it more shocking that Yahoo has an online TV show that anyone actually cares about, but that’s another story for another time and most likely involves Ask Jeeves.  I’m sure.  Either way, everyone seems to surprised by the new “look” that Lark Voohries of Saved By the Bell is sporting these days.  What is there to be surprised about?  People get new heads all the time (see: Teri Hatcher, Madonna’s cheeks, and Kenny Rogers).  Hell, if I was famous and getting older (two things that will never happen to me thanks to my deal with Jesus Claus and Santa Christ) I’d get an entirely new face too.  I’d probably request the face of an Olsen Twin but mainly because I can’t seem to do that “prune smile” they perform on the regular without looking like I’m doing #2 in my dungarees. Spoiler Alert:  Usually I am.

I’m not sure if Lark/Lisa actually got a new face or if we just caught her on Ted Danson Opposite Day and she’s sporting “white face” instead.  If so, as a white person I’m offended.  I’m kidding. I don’t care.  If she wants to look like the wig of an old timey British judge than that’s her call.  Not mine.  Well it’s mine a little.  Where was I?  Ah yes, the hair.  Why she stole Selena’s killer’s prison hair on “Family Visitation Day” is beyond me.  It looks like it’s Rihanna’s wig that blew off during her Shut Up and Drive video and was run over by a pack of rabid, yet horny, antelopes.  Anyone ever notice that her song was Shut Up and Drive and Paula Abdul’s remix tape was Shut Up and Dance?  Both stellar voices.  Both Barbadian women.  Moving on.

In the end, I say good for Lisa Turtle.  That new face really says, “See you on Dancing With the Stars.”  It’s also the same face that might hint that she pulled a Cleveland Steamer with Screech.  Good for her.  I’m just glad she’s back in the news.  As a society we’re rewarding people who have different color faces (see: New Jersey Tanning Mom and Coco).  I hope this isn’t the last we see of Lisa Turtle and I also hope this isn’t the last face we see of hers.  I’m expecting many faces in heavy rotation.  P.S., Good Morning Miss Bliss!

Join me on Facebook and suggest a new face for me!

The days go by so fast and it seems like the girls are just getting easier.  It’s like they used to put up a fight but now they’re tricked by d*ck and ready to become reality stars.  Had 16 & Pregnant been around 15 years ago, Kim Zolciak probably would have entered our lives a long time ago.  As soon as I add the finishing touches to my time machine I’ll get Zolciak’s wig knocked up.  Spoiler Alert:  This episode was one giant snooze.  No joke, 40 minutes into it and I was thinking, “What the hell do I write?”  Then I realized I was asking myself questions and then, well, I was answering said questions so I suddenly learned how crazy I really am.  Therefore, nevertheless, and then-some I will be highlighting some of my favorite moments from this horrifically boring crapisode:

The Voiceover – Our 17 year old skank-pig, Hope, apparently has the same reading level as our beloved Leah from Teen Mom 2 because every time I had to listen to her during her voiceover I lapsed into a self induced coma.  It’s amazing how slamming your ding-a-ling into your laptop over and over again can make you lose consciousness.  I know she’s from Missouri, but I have to hope that that has nothing to do with it.  Also, I wasn’t aware Missouri was still part of the United States.  I assumed we sold it to France in exchange for the Statue of Liberty and the Erie Canal back in 1776.  Eh, at least that’s what my Social Studies book said.  I think.  I don’t know actually.  All I do know is that my 8th grade nun would hijack most of our classes to tell us how doctors perform abortions (in alleys, of course).  Sadly, I’m actually not joking.

Betsy: The Light of My Life – The only saving grace this whole episode was Hope’s mother, Betsy.  First off, is there a sexier name?  Bonnie is a good backup followed by, of course, Loretta.  Betsy is still working her way through the 80’s but isn’t quite there just yet.  She constantly looks like she’s posing for a Glamor Shots photo shoot and has caked on the eye shadow on the regular.  Clearly in Missouri, more is less.  She almost looked like the meth version of Debra (Farrah’s mom) but was just missing the obligatory trash claw.  To make things even better there was so much crowding in her mouth that I was certain her teeth were trying to escape.  To sum up, she’s a dream come true.  And don’t think I didn’t notice the back tat, arm tats, or ankle tats.  I say “good for her!”  I mean, why even bother having to say, “No thank you I don’t want to work in your office.”  Just show the arm and let your drunken decisions speak for themselves.

He Thought He’d Pull Out, Momma! - At what point is it normal to sit around the kitchen table with your mom and a camera crew and explain your teenage pregnancy by stating that your “boyfriend” didn’t have a condom and told you he’d just pull out.  Discussing the “pull out” process is typically best talked about over a nice hot cup of Sanka.  Hope should have lied and been like, “Mom it’s not my fault!  See, we were waxing the floors and I slipped and fell on his junk.”  It’s your basic “Ring Toss” explainer.  Google it.

Wait, You Mean His Name Isn’t Vin? – No joke for the first 15 minutes I thought she was saying her boyfriends name was Vin.  It wasn’t until I saw some of those fantastic MTV pencil sketches that I realized his name was Ben.  Obviously it was pronounced like our little friend “Bint-Lee.”

When the Cameras Went Up, Ben Came Back to Town – Finally!  Finally one of the deadbeats on the show understands that if you’re going to be on camera it only makes sense to pretend you’re not a douche whilst filming.  Ben jumped ship for the first 2 months after he found out his “pull out” method didn’t work, but when Hope told him the cameras were coming to town (as was Santa Claus) not only did he call her, but invited her to move in with him and said she really didn’t have to pay any of the bills.  Brilliant performance, Ben.  I’d do the same thing.  In real life, clearly, I am a terrible and horrific person.  However, if a camera was on my face right now I’d be smiling and giving the sign of the cross.  I’d be blogging with one hand and brushing the hair of the homeless with the other.

Does Dr. Chang Work in Jack Tripper’s Bedroom? – Hope needs to go see Dr. Chang because her feet and ankles are swelling due to her working at the coffee shop for 9 hour shifts.  She wants to know if he can “do something about this.”  He should have been like, “Yeah, how ’bout a 3rd trimester abortion?”  He would then, of course, wink after he said that just in case she freaked out.  At least he could have pretended it was just a sick joke, you know, kinda like I just did.  Wink.  I couldn’t tell if Dr Chang worked in Jack Tripper’s bedroom or actually in the Regal Beagle.  I was looking to see if I could find Lana dressed up as a slutty nurse.  You know you were too.

The Ultrasound Baby Looked Like a Pig – There, I said it.

Betsy Has Been Damaged – Betsy is playing in the bitter barn and wants to warn Hope of how her life is basically going to really start sucking soon.  After Ben finally met Hope’s mom he wins her heart over by letting her know that he wants to wake up in the middle of the night and change sh*tty diapers.  Betsy’s only real question for Ben was if he was going to pay Hope’s car insurance.  That seems reasonable.  I’m sure Ben will take the car and just pull out…of the driveway anyway.  See what I did there?  Yeah, I saw it too.  Anyeyes, Betsy finally gives Hope these words of wisdom, “Expect nothing because men suck.”  You know what, Betsy?  I’m pretty sure a man made you’re electric blue raccoon eye shadow so maybe you should rethink that statement.  Also, you should take a second look at your youngest daughter because there is no doubt in my mind that she’s actually Kim Zolciack’s youngest daughter.  This just proves my theory that MTV finds all of these people in a prop house.

And It’s Baaaaaaack – Pitocin, that is!  Finally Pitocin was administered for the first time all season.  I couldn’t believe it.  I shouted “thank you sweet baby Jesus Claus!” as soon as I realized this chick was going to get induced.  Sadly, however, after 10 hours of labor they ended up going with the C-section.  Besty was in the corner crying and Hope thought it was because she thought she was going to die.  I’m assuming Betsy saw what her face looked like in florescent hospital lighting and was having a mini breakdown.

So You Can Show This? Not for nothing, but how am I supposed to feed my fat ass during this show if they’re not going to warn me that they’re going to show the actual C-section.  They showed the doctor cut across her stomach and then reach in and pull the baby out of her stomach.  I farted and almost puked all at the same time.  Now I may not be a surgeon (although I technically am) but at one point during the birth Hope just says, “Is there a baby on my stomach?”  Uh.  Sure.  The stork just flew into the hospital and delicately placed it on there.  Geesh, no wonder why she fell for the “I’ll pull out” line.  The only thing that was successfully pulled out was this baby…and by the neck.  Seriously, who knew I had so many pull out jokes?  I really pulled out all the stops for this blog.  Hey-oh!  Thank you, friends, thank you.

In the End – In the end this episode crapped.  The baby cried per usual and Ben kept up the facade that he wasn’t a d-bag.  Hope got bored being home all day and not having any friends so she got a job taking orders at a restaurant.  She also took the baby to college to visit her friend and we were forced to watch her friend awkwardly talk about all the house parties she goes to and then says the baby is “seriously adorbs.”   I literally gave my television the finger the entire time this chick was on.  Plus, you totally know she’s the “frat whore” at all these house parties.  Either way, Hope just wanted some friends but can’t seem to find any.  She should dig up her old AOL screen name and hop into a chat room and just have at it.  At the least she could meet a neat stranger and eventually get pregnant again.  Eh, just a thought.  She may have her own ideas on how to make friends.

Want to talk about Pitocin?  Well then join me on my Facebook page.  You’ll hate it!  I do!

Related 16 & Pregnant Links:
When House Hunters Meets Hoarders Meets Amber and Gary’s Summer Cottage
Long Live Davy Jones!
Drop Dead Fred Fathers a Child
Dora and the Cage Fighting “Model”
The One with Selena’s Killer
Mackenzie and that Damn Rodeo

Sorry this one was a little late today.  I was too busy writing countless (de lesepps) letters to Congress demanding that they give Rosie and Milania their own show.  I’m confident this is what Congress is for.  I’m less confident that I’m supposed to be capitalizing the word “Congress.”  I’ll write a letter to ask.  Moving on.  This was really quite the crapisode.  And by “quite” I mean “not really at all.”  Although there were many gems throughout that made me proud to be an American and even more proud that I am one Path train away from the magical location called “New Jersey.”  Per usual, Caroline’s privates are in the process of drying out so she’s a little punchy to say the least.  Also, to say the yeast all at the same time.  Therefore, she’s decided to constantly talk about Lauren’s weight at least once per episode.  I’m kidding, at least 6 times per episode.  She’s kind enough to remind us that Lauren is beautiful on the inside…it’s just her outsides that are basically disgusting.  Awww that’s sweet.  I hope she saves some for her Christmas card.  Or at least suggest she play “Santa” for the Night of 7,000 Fishes on Christmas Eve.  Ho ho, yes.  Let’s all just assume that Caroline isn’t being the spawn of Satan and is chatting up Lauren’s beer belly so that she can end up with a Nutri-System endorsement just like that little minx Tori Spelling did after she had her baby…and would have lost the 75 pounds anyway because, you know, a human was no longer inside of her.  But I digest.

Other greasy stuff happened, of course, but nothing made my heart grow 2 sizes like when Rosie enters the scene.  This time around she was in a purple tie-dye tee with the actual haircut I had in the 7th grade.  I’m guessing she just plops down in the chair and says, “A  boys regular, please.”  As she should.  As. She. Should.  Since everyone is going on some boat that was most likely rented by the production crew, Rosie is tasked with watching about 10 of their kids, all of whom are more tanned than they should be for anyone their age…yet not tan enough for being legal residents of New Jersey.  It’s a fine line.  I mean, and the kids are all lunatics.  Milania is spraying and stabbing and the other ones who look like kids reenacting scenes from Jersey Shore are running to and fro.  Rosie is sneaking in some swigs of that famous purple wine that’s always in a giant glass jug and heading outside to grab a smoke and, most likely, let a few rip.  I don’t judge.  At one point I found myself yelling at my television “UNATTENDED!” when the blond Guidice was standing motionless in the middle of the street.  She has the right idea, actually.  If daddy heads off to the slammer for a cool 10 years I think “playing in the street” may be their best bet.  When Rosie sees this she goes running towards the child and scoops her up before that car going 3 mph runs her down and, you know, skins her knee.  Of course in my mind when Rosie was running I was seeing it in slow motion and am pretty sure I heard “Eye of the Tiger” playing in the background.  Or maybe it was just because I actually hit rewind, played it in slow motion, and then turned on Eye of the Tiger from my iPad.  Life is just better when I’m controlling it.  Later, Milania is (what I can only assume) mocking her pint-sized father by doing chin-ups in the closet.  Rosie lets Gia (z-snap) handle it and Gia (z-snap) screams at the top of her lungs for Milania to stop what she’s doing.  Clearly Gia is learning from her parents and will most likely be thrown out of school by her 13th birthday.  Fingers crossed we see her on 16 & Pregnant (and Italian) in a few more years.  Again, I’ll begin the letter writing process to Congress.

For me, I’m not sure what was worse.  The fact that the scenes with the adults on the “boat” was a snooze or the fact that none of those same adults know it’s not technically pronounced, “Supposebly.”  There is no “B” in that word, bricks.  Although I shouldn’t talk because being from Boston I’m not familiar with the letter “R.”  At the same time I am familiar with being awesome on the regular, so that’s cool.  Larry Bird woo-hoo!  No idea.  The remainder of the episode consists of all the women going to some “Summer Solstice” party thrown by a second-rate psychic at some dive bar that’s across the street from peoples houses.  Quaint.  Speaking of taint, apparently everyone was told to wear white.  Some women wore white dresses and other women (including Lauren!) chose to wear white short-shorts with their beav basically blowing in the New Jersey breeze.  Where is that fish smell coming from?  One truly doesn’t know.  It’s like the chicken and the egg.  Also, everyone had to wear Bindi’s (?) in the middle of their forehead so they could have a third eye.  Rosie claims hers fell off when she started sweating and she said, “F this thing.”  I love her with all my half-heart.  I’m sure she dropped it down her underpants so she could sass things up during scissors.  I am, of course, talking about an arts-and-crafts project with the children.  Duh.

Like many of you, my first thought when I saw everyone in white was, “Glad no one is on the rag.”  I mean, Caroline is obviously in the clear but you can totally tell these other women have a really heavy flow.  I would like to go on the record now to say that I’ve officially made myself sick probably for the first time since I’ve been writing this blog over the past 5 years.  Anymaxi, everyone is at two different tables because, you know, production planned it that way.  Rosie is loving the camera time (as are we) so she pulls Teresa aside to talk to her about what she said to her brother about Mellisa’s long face possibly leaving Doozer if she found another man with more money.  Rosie almost looks like she couldn’t give a crap, but all of The America is rejoicing that she’s in this episode so much.  With all the talking and opinions Rosie finally just states, “Maybe everyone should just shut up.”   Also, Rosie is dressed like the members from 98 Degrees when they would film their “beach scenes” for their “music videos.”  Yes all of that was supposed to be in quotes.  I’d like to see Rosie perform an interpretive dance during this conversation.  Oh, and what was up with that 10 second clip of Rosie sassing that random blond chick at the table?  Was it over their “kinship” and is that code for some form of munching?  I love symbolism.

Later, Teresa and Melissa end up talking about how educated they are and how other countries love us.  I’m kidding.  They talked about themselves and quotes from the endless magazines Teresa is in.  This somehow turned into an episode of “Password” and as soon as Melissa said the word “jail” Teresa freaked out and took off towards the parking lot whilst Kim D followed her around making sure she was in the background of every shot.  And you know what?  She succeeded.  I feel like I’m going to have to watch the fight scenes a few more times because I had no clue really what was going on.  At one point they were yelling at each other, but both agreeing about how wonderful Teresa’s brother is.  But they were saying it with such anger.  Moreover, Melissa’s dress (?) was so short I was certain her gentlemen greeter was going to catch a cold.  I thought I heard it sneeze.   Regardless, I said “bless you” at least a few times during that argument.  And what the hell was Tre-bagger talking about 99.9% of the time?  It’s almost like they were having an argument with different people and Bravo just edited them together in one scene.  It was like I was watching The Parent Trap (60’s version, of course)  I popped a Dramamine because all of their hand movements and gestures literally started to give me motion sickness.  I’m also pretty sure they were unwillingly signalling a terrorist attack.  If you see something, say something.  Just don’t have Tre say it because she’ll probably ask you what the words are.  “What’s that word again?  Confidence?”  The camera man can’t help you Tre.  He just can’t. I thank God every day she doesn’t home-school those children.  Anyeyes, the fight ends by Melissa walking away (after talking about dropping off gifts at a pre-school?) and Tre making jokes about their husbands cheating on them.  I was more than confused.  Plus, my mind started wandering thinking about Rosie putting on one of those fairy costumes and singing “Hey Big Spender” to me.  Rosie, if you’re out there…join me on my Facebook page.  Let’s be friends for life!

Waking up to the Today Show, I assume was the highlight of my day. And by “day” I of course mean, “life.” Starting your day any other way than watching Ann Curry try to be ” naturally funny” is just plain old stupid. As I had awoken from my slumber I immediately saw this woman (albeit crispy) plastered all over my HD television talking about how she didn’t take her daughter tanning. I mean, truth be told she could have been providing us a recipe for white chocolate chip brownie sundaes for a Spring picnic with her local church. I wasn’t really listening. I was just locked in on her face. That face. That wonderfully cooked face. I suddenly craved rotisserie at 7:00 in the morning (Eastern time, of course). Snooki jokes never even entered my mind. Too easy. Way too easy. Me? Well I wanted to know why this chick from New Jersey (drink!) was bringing back the time time Ted Danson showed up to an event with Whoopi Goldberg in black face. And then suddenly, at the same time, on an early May morning I already knew what my Halloween costume would be this year.

To make things worse, Tanny Tannerson, was explaining how she didn’t bring her 5 year old daughter tanning. She simply went tanning and allowed her 5 year old to sit outside the bed whilst momma went from Burnt Sienna to Raw Umber right before her very eyes. I knew about Raw Umber because one year my parents splurged and allowed my sister and I to get the 128 pack of Crayola.  Typically we were just a 16 pack family.  We did got to Catholic school after all.   And just to make sure her color really popped, she was sure to wear a hot-pink sweater for her news interview. Way to play it down. Her daughter is a saucy little Ging who is as white as Tanny Tannerson’s teeth (teeth against a tan of course). Apparently her “sun burn” was from playing out in the yard all day and was really no big deal. My favorite part was when the mother was explaining to the camera that it would be crazy for her to take her daughter into a tanning bed that went up to 90 degrees. She’s saying this as her face is actually sizzling. I mean, it sounded like a waiter was delivering fajitas to my bed. Careful, the plate is hot.

At the end of the day, this chick will get her own reality show and make more than you and your children’s children combined. Without us fully realizing it, she’s already living the American Dream and at the same time she is also the human “Terrorist Threat Level.” Look, I like a nice tan just like the next white person who is superficial and places the majority of their self esteem on their outward appearance. How else would you really be able to judge someone on the inside if their outside is a mess? But at what point is this lady like, “Ugh I’m losing my tan. I better go in two more times today.” She’s that lady in the grocery store in the middle of January who is the color of French Roast coffee, yet you know she hasn’t vacationed anywhere. She may, however, have dry-humped the sun (directly) six-ways to Sunday. She’s easy, breezy, she’s beautiful. She’s crunchy, crispy, and fried. She’s the future and she’s on trend for what every 16 year old girl in New Jersey will be looking like at their Junior Prom. She’s my dream come true.

Wanna talk tans?  Join me on my Facebook page and let’s get crispy together.

Once in a blue moon the white trash gods enter our lives and grant us all the wishes our blackened hearts could ever desire.  This time around we get to squint our eyes and tilt our ear towards the television so we can try and understand the words that are coming out of Myranda’s mouth.  Anynose, meet Myranda.  She’s 17 years old and carrying a human being inside her body because she doesn’t seem to understand how babies are truly made.  Myranda is from the part of Texas where the average yearly household income is about $5,000 and 23 seashells.  Oh, and if you ever wondered what it would be like if Martha Plimpton from Goonies would have looked like as a teenage mother, well, wonder no longer because this is it.  Myranda got knocked to the up by her boyfriend, Eric, who claims he “didn’t wear no condom cuz he was thinkings with his penis.”  I probably spent the majority of this crapisode rewinding it and putting the volume on tilt just to figure out what the hell they were saying.  Every time they opened their mouths all I heard was coin jars rattling.  That, of course, would be their savings accounts but that goes without saying.  You knew what I was getting at.

Myranda wasn’t really given a fair shot at “the life” because her mom was basically on drugs her entire life.  Her mom, who may or may not actually be Hatchet Face, keeps asking Myranda if it’s her fault that she got pregnant at such a young age.  Uh, ya think?!  I’m sure she was using all of Myranda’s boyfriends condoms to store her coke.  A cola that is.  Allegedly.  I don’t know her.  One of my favorite parts was when Myranda was talking to Eric and said, “If she ever do drugs again she aint gonna babysit none.”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  It was like she just opened up the dictionary, closed her eyes, and started pointing to words.  This chick, by the way, is skipping her senior year and just going to take the GED test.  Gotta love that “F it!” attitude.  How tough can that test be anyway?  By listening to vocabulary throughout this episode I’m sure she’ll not only get her GED but they’ll probably even make her “summa cum laude.”  Either that or they’ll just start rumors that “She does cum loudly.”  It’s a real toss up at this point.  But I digress.

The other unsung hero of this episode was clearly Eric’s grandmother, Nanny.  Nana Nanny is a character straight from Mad TV.  She’s letting them live with her for now, but once that baby is born they are out out out!  She doesn’t wanna hear none baby be crying in her house, y’all!  She may not have a pot to piss in (so I’m not sure where she goes tinkle-winkle) but she has enough money to perm her hair on the regular.  She even has a beautiful pool that the kids can swim in.  Ah yes, the pool.  All “the kids” are in this giant pool that is 100% green.  It’s like an actual swamp.  I’m pretty sure I spotted Loch Ness at least twice.  I’m also pretty sure I saw Nana Nanny washing clothes in there as well.  Everyone is swimming and jumping around in that pool like it was no big deal.  When Myranda gives birth to her 6 headed 3 fingered daughter, please let’s remember “the pool.”  I mean, this was like the same pool that those kids in Erin Brockovich where swimming in with Hinkley in the background.  Get out of the pool.  Get out of the pool, kids.  Right now I said!

As if this couldn’t get any better, Myranda and Eric aren’t allowed to live with Nana Nanny, especially after they told her that Eric didn’t wear a condom and Myranda didn’t always take her birth control pills.  However, they won’t be homeless because they can live in this actual shack that’s just about falling down at the end of Nana Nanny’s property.  This place was a dream come true for me.  Even the folks from Intervention would think this place wasn’t good enough to be a crack den.  I’m not even sure I can do the description justice.  Let’s just say that if House Hunters met Hoarders and then went to Amber and Gary’s summer cottage, this would be it.  As soon as the door opens I was waiting to see 15 rabid cats come running out and 75 cat skeletons stuck to the wood paneled walls.  But alas, we didn’t see them.  We did, however, see about 5 blood-stained mattresses stacked up directly next to the front door, which was directly next to some little kids plastic play house that seemed to have been cut in half.  There were smashed dishes on the floor, mouse sh*t all over the place, and the stove was kind of taken apart and missing all the burners.  I’ll just assume they’ll use the hollowed out stove as the baby’s crib.  Eric, at one point, actually says, “Well I guess maybe we’s gotta replace the stove.”  Yep, Eric.  We’s gotta.  The good news is that they only have to pay the electric bill on this shack.  Wait, you mean the “mortgage” was already paid off?  Shocking.  It must have taken up to 2 months to pay that off.  I’m not even kidding, this is exactly how I pictured Amber and Gary’s place during a drug-fueled rager, when the cameras weren’t there of course.  I was waiting to see Leah walk by, in a daze, with a knife and just shouting “Ammmmmbuh!” up at Myranda.  Speaking of Myranda, was her hair changing back and forth from blond to brown all throughout the episode.  She was like my sister’s My Little Pony of the 80’s.

Other “normal” things happen throughout the episode like that part where they go shopping for the baby and are shocked at how much everything costs.  I’m surprised, because I always heard that raising a baby was pretty cheap.  I also heard they never sh*t and so you only need like 1 or 2 diapers per week. Everyone might as well poke pinholes in their condoms because everyone can have a baby…today!  Aaaand go!  Later Myranda goes out with her friends to hang out…at the batting cages.  That makes sense.  I was so glad she was just sitting their watching until she strapped on a helmet and got ready for her turn.  I kept yelling, “What are you doing?  Wait.  What are you doing?!”  It was then I realized that I was witnessing a redneck abortion and suddenly everything started to make sense.  Meanwhile, Hatchet Face, ended up going on a bender, relapsing, getting into a fight with her husband, drove off (under the influence), was found, taken to the hospital, and is now in rehab.  What’s worse is that none of this was filmed.  Womp womp.  At least Butch and April had enough respect for us to let the cameras in.  Hatchet Face is just plain old rude, y’all!  Myranda is pissed off that her mom is missing her ultrasound appointment, but I’m more intrigued that her Texan hospital actually had ultrasound equipment.  I just assumed they’d use a magnifying glass, two tin cans, and some string.  The “doctor” would then say, “Uh, your baby is, uh fine.  It was asking for you and gave us a thumbs up so everything seems good to us.  Oh, and you have about 12 more months to go, we think, before the stork delivers your baby, y’all!”

Later Myranda has her baby shower and her mom attends since she just got out of “the ‘hab” that same day.  Hopefully a 2 day sobriety chip was her gift to the baby.  Suddenly her mom is all about making sure she’s in the delivery room when Myranda has the baby.  Uh yeah, no.  That’s probably not the best idea as I’m sure Hatchet Face will be using the newborn as an actual drug mule and making a run for the Mexican border.  Ole!  I thought the shower would have been a little more trashy, but maybe it was because it was at the aunts house?  I think I may have spotted a puffy leather, but can’t be certain.  It was a bit of a let down, but the fact that the I did see enough wood paneling throughout the shack made me content.  Truly content.  Within days family members were all at the shack pitching in and making it into quite the palace.  Eric only makes $150 a week and Myranda makes $0.00 per week so they barely have enough money for food and diapers.  However, I’m pretty sure my eyes witnessed someone mounting an ACTUAL SATELLITE DISH to the side of the shack.  If anyone was wondering why 99% of other countries want to bomb us off the map, you now have you answer.

Prior to going into labor, Myranda invites her mom over to tell her she won’t be in the delivery room with her basically because she was on drugs for the majority of her life.  It was actually kind of sad.  I mean, personally, I couldn’t care less but I’m trying to capture some new readers who want me to be nicer.  Moving on.  I’m surprised Hatchet Face didn’t reach into the vagiola and try to take the baby right then and there.  Regardless, Myranda goes into labor and heads off to the “hospital.”  She was in labor for what seemed like 12 hours but, truth be told, I may or may not have fallen asleep for a spell.  I awoke right at the part where the actual doctor said to Myranda that it was time to push and to, “push down on your bottom like you’s doo-dooin’.”  I’m sorry, what?  Like you’s doo-dooin’?  I legit thought I was dreaming…dreaming of doo-dooin’.  In the end Myranda, Eric, and the baby head on back to the shack to live out their lives.  Myranda gets bored with being home all the time and is probably realizing that her earlier thoughts of the baby basically being able to take care of herself at 1.5 years old probably won’t happen.  She’ll have to wait at least until the baby is 2 years old before she can be out on her own.  They end up inviting Hatchet Face over to see the baby and then end up allowing her to babysit while they go out for a dinner date (which consists of a place where tiny little sandwiches are served to them on Styrofoam plates).  They keep calling home, but Hatchet won’t answer the phone.   I was convinced she was doing lines off the baby’s crib…or the actual baby herself.  Assuming she is still whilst she sleeps.  But, alas, she just didn’t answer the phone because she didn’t want to stand up and wake the baby.  Uh, ok.  She looked like she was ready to legit spaz out and Bugs Bunny directly through the wall.  The More You Know….

Wanna build a shack with me?  Well then join me on my Facebook page and tell me how to install the satellite dish! And don’t forget to click on the “Recommend” button below so you can share this with your white trash Facebook friends and help me sell out.  If 300 people “like” this blog post the Taco Bell dog will come back to life and high-five you.  Ole!

Related Links:
Long Live Davy Jones!
Drop Dead Fred Fathers a Child
Dora and the Cage Fighting “Model”
The One with Selena’s Killer
Mackenzie and that Damn Rodeo

How Ashley dodged ever being on 16 & Pregnant is beyond me.  This chick is bricks.  We pick up where we left off last week, which was Ashley being forced to move to Vegas in order to get her life together.  That makes sense.  I hear alcoholics try to quit “the booze” by going on a summer afternoon bar crawl.  With her electric blonde hair and bee sting lips she looks like she’s actually in a disguise, like that time Stephanie Tanner tried to run away from home, put on giant sunglasses and a trench coat and told everyone her name was Connie Chung.  Simpler times.  Since 20 year old Ashley isn’t mentally capable to walking to the car without an escort, Albie Manzo is tasked with driving her to the airport to make sure she gets on the plane.  Spoiler Alert:  She misses the plane, loses her place on stand-by and ends up having to come back home for the night.  Someone test her for lead poisoning.  Or rickets.  I just assumed.

At least Ashley/Ashlee is home in time for Jacqueline’s party where everyone can talk about Teresa’s cook book (again) every two seconds.  Once Teresa shows up she tries to get everyones attention to make an announcement, but no one is listening to her.  They’re probably wondering why the camera man continuously is zooming in on the meatballs in the frying pan over and over again versus getting the camera on the meatballs who are standing in the kitchen drinking wine.  Once Teresa finally gets everyones attention she lets them know that she’s sorry (kinda) if anyone took what she said in her cookbook to heart and that it was only a joke.  She then goes on to announce that her first cookbook was so good and how people tell her that they couldn’t put it down and what a “page turner” it was.  Uh.  Yeah.  Because at the end of the day you how suspenseful cookbooks are.  Do you add a pinch of salt to the recipe?  I can’t wait to see what it says!  That’s it I’m not going to bed tonight because I can’t wait to find out how long you should boil the pasta for!?  Even Barney Rubble was like “Enough Teresa!”  but of course he said it like, “‘Nuff Tre.”  It’s like he speaks in a code that only those under 4′9″ can break.  Milania totally gets him.

The “party” breaks out into a typical middle school dance where the girls are in one room and the guys are in the other.  The guys are all playing poker and making fun of each other.  Then things get weird.  Apparently Barney and Saul were cracking on each other, ended up wrestling, and Barney ended up with a black eye after he fell on the couch and hit a candlestick holder.  Huh?  Here’s the deal.  There’s a camera crew there filming everything…how they missed this actual wrestling match is beyond me.  Perhaps they should have stopped filming the making of the meatballs and actually filmed the meatballs fighting in the basement.  Epic fail.  So many other things in this crapisode didn’t make sense to me either.  Enter the whole “Lauren Manzo trying to lose weight” storyline.  WTF was up with that?  At first I thought she was going in to get that gastric bypass surgery, but then we soon discover that the “doctor” is putting her on an egg-white with fruit shake diet…and that’s all she can eat/drink.  She’s hoping that she’ll be able to drop 35-40 pounds from all of this and get down to a size 4.  As Oprah used to say, “Dream big!”  What makes things worse is that Caroline kept talking about how Lauren is in the makeup industry and how superficial it is so she needs to lose the weight.  I mean I’m not a licensed therapist, although I can prescribe you Prozac (don’t ask), but I’m almost certain Lauren’s weight issues stem from Caroline who thinks she’s trying to help, but is kinda making things worse on the regular.  Lauren should just try the toothbrush diet.  At least she’ll still be able to eat.  But, I mean, that’s just my strategy.  Maybe you have your own.

Other rando things happen throughout this episode as well, like when Barney and Tre-bagger are filming at the pizza shop because they’ve decided to close it and open up a 55+ community on the gas station property across the street.  Huh?  Or when Saul takes his son to the gas station he owns to show him how to pump gas and tell him stories of when he grew up.  Or perhaps it was the segment when Kat found out through Twitter that some girl sent her 15 year old son pictures of her boobs and so Kat decides to respond back to her via Twitter.  Yes folks, all of this was actually filmed and aired…and it’s only the second episode.  Hopefully by the 4th episode we’ll get to watch Jacqueline bush her horses mane all episode.  And where the hell is Rosie on all of this?  I was truly praying to Jesus Claus and Santa Christ that we’d find out that the girl who tweeted a picture of her rack would actually have been Rosie and there would have been a sign over her chest that said something like, “Sucker!  You Just Got Punk’d!”

There was some comic relief during all of this which, of course, was Milania.  Per usual she’s wreaking havoc all around the Guidice compound.  She punched Albie in the nuts when he came over and told Gia (z-snap) that while she was cooking she wasn’t a cooker because she was a hooker.  How this 3 year old girl knows the word hooker speaks volumes for the conversations that Tre and Barney must have around the table when the cameras aren’t there.  At one point, Barney is pouring himself some wine and the 2 year old who looks like no one is bleeding at the table and no one will help her except Gia.  Even daughter #3 was like, “Well you can at least clean up the blood for her.”  So much dysfunction, so little time.  Whilst all of this is going on, Tre is at her 100th book signing and that’s where we get to meet Sheeba, the craziest fan on earth.   She’s like Pauly D’s Israeli stalker, but without the knife. She of course starts gushing about how much she loves Teresa, but then starts asking about Barney’s “DMV issue.”  Teresa just looks at her like she didn’t understand what half of the words Sheeba said actually meant.  Truth be told I’m sure she didn’t.  After Tre stares at her, this chick is just like, ‘Well I’ll keep your family in my prayers.”  Creeepy!

In the end, Melissa puts the finishing touches on her horrific ballad that she wrote for her husband Doozer.   As she’s “recording it”  I can’t help but thing she sounds like J Lo which, trust me, isn’t a great thing.  I wonder if you can just buy the J Lo sound for when you record?  It’s like, “I’ll take 1 J Lo and 1 Britney mechanical robot voice, thanks!”  Melissa ends up having a “romantic” dinner where they sit at complete opposite sides of the long table and Melissa can play her new “song” for Doozer.  Of course, he spends the time talking about his poison (puke) and how hot he is for that song.  Yeah.  Kinda like how hot you get when you hear the theme song from the Titanic.

This show seems to have fallen off the rails.  I need to see some punches thrown and I need to see that fast.  The entire 60 minutes was basically one giant infomercial for all the crap that these creeps are trying to sell us.  And to make things worse, no Rosie.  At all.  Sometimes life is so unfair.

Last week we had Diddle Fingers and this week, thanks to the fashonista who failed at becoming a Maxxinista at Harriet Carter, we are happy to introduce you to Slut Fingers:  Holiday Edition.  Ho ho ho.  Literally.  Christmas is just under 8-months away so now is the perfect time to start figuring out just how skanky you can make the happiest time of year.  Clearly Rod Roddy is rolling over in his oversized bedazzled grave because one of Barker’s Beauties escaped the 70’s porn-inspired set and landed a photo shoot at he Harriet Carter headquarters.  I’m sure you’re thinking this was pre-dirt nap Anna Nicole modeling and after researching it for around 11 seconds I realized I was wrong too.  Although this chick is totally looking at us saying, “You wantmy booooody?  You wantsome moooooney?  You want a viiiiiper?”  As a wise woman once said, “TrimSpa baby.”  Also, this chick is totally pantsless and I’m sure she has a mistletoe  hanging just north of the cameltoe.

Since she’ll most likely be thumbing a ride with truckers on I-95 and providing countless hours of road-head in absentia (graduation day bonus word!) of actual legal US currency, it’s only fitting that her nails look like candy-canes and are just as long as most of the people who apply to appear on Hoarders.  Cut nothing.  I’m actually not sure whose hands those are, but my money is on the fluffer.  And you can totally tell she’s a great actress because her eyes are saying, “I got my nails done.  Here are my hands.  Both of them.  Look at them.  Buy this product.”  The oddly tiny Santa hat barely staying on the side of her head really conveys the message of, “I live in a rusty dumpster all year round and have a tea party with the mice.  This is Eeeek’s hat.”  Oh, and there must be extra money around the “studio” during this “shoot” for a hair and makeup person because someone has taken the time to perfect the “Gretchen Rossi I’m Too Old to Have Hair This Blond With Giant Curls” look.  Nailed it.  Again, probably literally.

Clearly the target market for these nail is the OC as well as those part of the deep south wear tumbleweed blows by on the regular.  You know which parts I’m talking about.  It’s the same parts where middle-aged women living in trailers have webcams and “get sexy” for pervs on the other end, assuming this is what the “American Dream” is all about.  And you know what?  It is.  It really is.  So the next time you’re hanging decorative candy canes on your Christmas tree for your loving little children I want you to stop and think for a second, “Am I slutty enough?”  If you even doubt you are then I want you to press on these nails, put on your boots, and head out to I-95 for a little holiday “mommy fun.”  Merry Christmas everyone…except to those who don’t believe in Jesus….then I wish you fun spending eternity in hell with Tony Danza.  Most likely.  I don’t know.

Wanna be a slut with me?  Well then join me on my Facebook page, but of course! And be sure to “Like” this post so it spreads around “The Facebook” like wildfire and then I can rally sell out once and for all.  Ole!