I Don't Speak German

Best Man At Giving Tongue

2010-10-30T00:38:00.001-07:00

This is what comes up when you search "zac martin" on Urban Dictionary...

Errrm, thanks Kara. Hehe, "hump".

Wakka Wakka Wakka

2010-10-23T19:14:00.001-07:00

This is why my iPhone is more awesome than yours.

Trend Watching

2010-09-22T04:55:00.000-07:00

I have not posted on this blog in almost a year. I have been far too busy analysing trends on the interwebs.

Here is my most significant finding...

+ I Thought Barbers Were Dead

2009-10-03T08:21:00.000-07:00

Let's just clarify something. When you go to get a haircut, it does not give the hairdresser permission to touch your facial hair. Because once they've started, even if you stop them immediately, it's too late and the whole thing has to go.

So now not only do I have a terrible haircut, I have no facial hair and look like a twelve year old.

+ Everyone Dies A Hero

2009-09-16T22:02:00.001-07:00

This article was published two weeks before Patrick Swayze's death in the Monash Caulfield student magazine, Esperanto. The topic for this edition was Go Crazy for Patrick Swayze...

Consider it a tribute.

+ +1000 For Expirience

2009-08-28T00:28:00.003-07:00

As I'm sure none of you are aware, I recently started some freelance consulting through my other blog.

Then came a time I had to write my first invoice. Unsure what an invoice was, Google showed me the light and the invoice was created. Not sure why but I decided it would be way more awesome to start my Invoice Number at 01001 instead of 00001. I imagine I'm not the first one who's done so.

+ Textbooks For Developing Countries

2009-08-13T05:29:00.001-07:00

Textbooks are bloody expensive. Particularly for university students. And even more annoying when you can't buy them second hand when the lecturer subscribes a new edition because the front cover has a different picture on it.

So when I discovered that my textbook for Managing Information Systems was going to set me back $120 from the local book store, my mate and I decided to look elsewhere. Thankfully, we found a guy on eBay from India who said we could have two, including postage, for $50 each.

Today they arrived on my door. While the text and diagrams are exactly the same as the official version I could have gotten from the book store, the front cover is different and it's printed on different paper. On the back it reads, "This edition is part of a continuing program of paper bound textbooks especially designed for students in developing countries at a reduced price". On the front it reads, "For sale only in Bangladesh, Myanmar, India, Indonesia, Nepal, Pakistan, Philippines, Sri Lanka and Vietnam".

I think I've just been sold a textbook some poor kid in a third world country won't get. At least it was cheap.

But the best part is, because the book isn't exactly what was advertised on the eBay page, my mate is currently negotiating a $10 refund for each of us.

No wait, the best part will be next semester when I sell it to another student for $60 and make me some beer money.

+ Bad Parent On Board

2009-07-26T02:17:00.000-07:00

I've never understood what would actually possess a parent to put a "Baby on Board" sticker on the back window of their car. It definitely doesn't make me drive any differently around your vehicle. The only thing it does do is make me think you're a little bit of a dick.

But please. What ever you do. Do not put two of these fucking stickers on your car. Don't.

+ Not Burnt

2009-07-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

My toaster has five different levels for cooking toast. In the three years I have been using it, it's never moved off Level 3.

Why the fuck do they make toasters with so many settings? Surely we only need one, don't leave it white and don't burn it. When you pull down the lever, it should just toast for the right amount of time. Why can't it be that simplistic? It's toast, not a gourmet breakfast.

+ Half Full Of Yoghurt

2009-06-30T03:42:00.001-07:00

I just got a tub of yoghurt out of the fridge. And without thinking, I took a glass out of the cupboard instead of a bowl. Even though I was looking right at it, I didn't realise it was a glass until I filled it with yoghurt.

I suppose this is just one of the many affects of the exam period.

Yoghurt is also far more fun to drink than you'd imagine.

+ Productivity

2009-06-08T23:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, I realise this is an exact rip of Jessica Hagy's style. But this is the Internet and I don't care.

+ Lock The Door

2009-06-04T21:50:00.001-07:00

I was just eating lunch outside when I noticed one of the cleaners on campus attempting to wash a window. I say attempting because it was an electronic glass door that automatically opened when you got close.

It might be because I'm an asshole, but you would not believe how funny it is to see a squat elderly man run up to a window, scrub furiously for two seconds before it opens only to take two steps back, wait thirty seconds and repeat. I can't help but think someone like myself sat in a similar position yesterday, and decided to deliberately make those windows dirty.

+ Sign Language

2009-05-09T06:37:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to use sign language to say the following..?

+ "Can you grab that? My hands are full."
+ "Help, I'm stuck down this well."
+ "And that's how I lost my hands in the shark attack."

+ How I've Changed

2009-05-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

A fair representation of how I've changed over the years.

+ Twenty Ten

2009-05-01T20:21:00.000-07:00

I blame this post on the guy who decided to call the year 2000 "two thousand" and not "twenty hundred". For some reason I assume it was a guy, girls normally think through this kind of stuff far to much. But in 1999 when he first announced it, he made the wrong decision. I'm not saying this was a deliberate malicious attack on man kind, perhaps just an unseen error, yet the implications of this are far too big to overlook.

Look back at every other year prior to 2000 and see how it's pronounced. We made a mistake. 2001 should have been "twenty oh one" not "two thousand and one". Are we going to say next year is "two thousand and ten" or "twenty ten"? What happens in a hundred and fifteen years, is that "two thousand one hundred and twenty six" or "twenty one twenty six" for 2126.

Think before you speak bro.

+ When Imagination Is Not Enough

2009-04-22T01:51:00.000-07:00

Here's an article of mine recently published in the Monash Caulfield student magazine, Esperanto...

Unlike most porn, this one you'll only be reading for the pictures. And that lovely picture of yours truly is why you should never piss off a graphic designer.

+ Wikiholes

2009-04-13T19:28:00.001-07:00

Nearly everyday I find myself in a wikihole.

Some of my favourite randomly discovered pages include...

+ Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo
+ Fan death
+ List of changes in Star Wars re-releases
+ Wilhelm scream

What is your favourite Wikipedia page?

+ More Anonymous Messages

2009-03-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

Speaking of anonymous messages, here's an SMS conversation I had about a year ago...

Anonymous: Meet you around the back in five?
Me: Umm, who is this?
Anonymous: Oh sorry, wrong number.

What the hell..?

+ Happy New Phone

2009-03-20T02:45:00.000-07:00

I got an SMS on New Years reading...

Anonymous: Happy New Years gorgeous people... love you all Xox

I still have no idea who it was from. I had just recently purchased my iPhone and obviously didn't have their number in my phone. And I still don't.

Me: Yeah you too, haha who is this?

I always find it interesting how people reply to messages when you don't have their number. But seriously, who the fuck messaged me?

Maybe I should just call 0439 857 612 and find out.

+ Fuck You Spammers #4

2009-03-01T04:17:00.001-08:00

+ Statue Loves Beastiality

2009-02-18T19:08:00.000-08:00

On what was the hottest day ever recorded in Melbourne, I ended up a mate's place who has a pool (private school friends are good for something). His backyard has a pretty mad set up with a great salt water pool with a little pond next to it with some lovely statue fountains.

One is of a little boy urinating into the pond. Not really that hilarious. Unless a thirsty possum appears from nowhere to quench its thirst. Admittedly I've never seen a possum give a blow job to a statue before, but fuck it was funny.

+ Fuck You Spammers #3

2009-02-06T17:22:00.001-08:00

+ Two Greatest Achievements

2009-02-02T20:19:00.000-08:00

I started a new gig a couple of weeks ago. Here is an excerpt from the email they sent out to everyone about me starting work there.

"Zac's two greatest achievements are his blog, www.pigsdontfly.com, which is ranked in the Top 25 Aussie Marketing Blogs and the fact that he scored the winning goal in a hockey grand final when he was 14. That put his team 1-0 in front, except the opposition scored two quick goals before the siren and they lost."

+ Mr Turtle

2009-01-31T19:28:00.000-08:00

My Dad brought home a turtle. I met him for eight seconds and then put him outside in his enclosure. 20 minutes later we went to check on him and he was gone.

That was five days ago.

Good luck Mr Turtle. That's what I decided to name him.

+ Communal Cards

2009-01-25T20:33:00.000-08:00

I'm a big fan of communal cards. It allows me, usually in a drunken state, to think of something that seems witty and humorous at the time.

For my brother, Shaun's, 18th Birthday...

Hey bro, good luck in the army. We'll miss you heaps Steve. Zac.

And my Gran's 71st Birthday...

Hey Gram Gram, keep it real. Zac.