It’s been a running gag in the department that my choice of an office pet would be a velociraptor. So one day my boss walks over to me, hands me an old Western Digital Velociraptor harddrive, and says, “Here you go. A velociraptor.”
One of my coworkers has offered to make a leash for it so I can “walk” it around the office. Earlier this week I gave one of the drives a face, then my boss gave me 3 more drives, making it a pack of velociraptors. :)
]]>Today’s funnies start off with these from Jeff:
When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don ?a costume and act like an ape ?until the zoo can get another one.
In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the ?lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character — until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens ?its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get ?us both fired?!”
A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!” The man agrees and drives off with the penguins.
After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There’s no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, when who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he’d help him, 25 penguins still in tow.
“What happened!” the truck driver screams. “I told you to take them to the zoo!”
“I did,” the man answers. “But I had a little money left over, so I thought I’d take them to a movie too.”
This one is courtesy of Mitchell:
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
This one is from Bill:
Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”
This funny is courtesy of Donna:
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”
Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
This one is an oldie, but still a favorite of mine:
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot.
“Who are you?” the burglar asks.
“Moses,” the bird replied.
“Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” the man laughed.
“I dunno,” Moses answered, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
Have a good week everyone!
]]>This one is from Butch:
Next we have this one from Mara:
This one I happily stole from Jay:
This funny is courtesy of George Takei:
And last but not least, this one is from Luke:
Now, if anyone needs me, I will be in my fort! :)
]]>These are courtesy of Reader’s Digest:
“I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks?” — Jimmy Kimmel
These are courtesy of Jon:
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!Why did Dracula’s mother give him cough medicine?
Because he was having a coffin fit.What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put a goldfish brain in the body of his dog?
I don’t know, but it is great at chasing submarines.Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?’
Cos everyone was a goblin.Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn?
It was a stake sandwich.Dracula decided he need a dog, which breed did he choose?
A bloodhound.What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs!Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart.Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
This one is courtesy of Bill:
Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
The other says, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
These are courtesy of Don:
Hope everyone has a very safe Halloween!
]]>Next is this one from Tickld:
This one is from Luke at KnownHost:
This is from James:
And last but not least, this is another episode of “Dear Kitten” courtesy of Friskies:
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This week’s funnies start off with this ad I saw on Facebook. Poor little thing, LOL!
Next is this cute bit from Cheezburger, featuring the Wallkill Mighty Mites Youth Football Team who aren’t quite mighty enough yet to break through their pre-game banner:
And next we have this pooch who’s trained a man (not his owner) to play fetch with him!
This one I saw on Love Meow. This would SO be Bruce if I had my old aquarium!
And last but not least, these two are courtesy of George Takei:
Have a great week!
]]>Today’s funnies are courtesy of Facebook:
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”
Have a good week, y’all!
]]>This week’s funnies start off with this one from one of my coworkers:
Next is this one that comes courtesy of Uncle Monster. I was a huge fan of this show when it was on Animal Planet!
(Note: if the video above doesn’t load, you can watch it here.)
This next one is from Beth:
And last but not least, this little guy has been circulating Facebook:
I wish Bruce were this fearless around the vacuum! LOL
Have a good week, y’all…
]]>This one is from John:
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”
“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.
“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”
And this one:
And I apologize if this one is a re-post:
And how many of us can relate to this one? Yeah, me neither! ;)
And last but not least, this one is from Simon’s Cat:
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First, we have this from my buddy Reggie:
Next, we have one from “The Dude”
Ally sends this one:
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, ‘If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.’ The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, ‘Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.’
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince’s pants?
M&M’s of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? I STILL WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!
This one is from Facebook:
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber.
“That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
This guy cracks me up!
Have a good week, y’all! :)
]]>This one is from Joy:
This one made me cackle, and it’s from Basil:
This one is from Dog Days:
This groaner is courtesy of Callie ;)
And last but not least, this gem is from Andi:
Also applies if you replace “cosplay” with “gamer.”
Hope y’all are having a great week! :)
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