HumorTrip

Wrong Number

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 17:40:00 +0000

Sending messages to a wrong number can happen once in a while. But if something like this happens to me, I'd rather die. Haha!

Restaurant Menu Fail

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 17:26:00 +0000

Today's specials includes...

The Divorce Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 12:15:00 +0000

The best divorce letters ever. --

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and you didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and I even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

——
Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that didn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to my mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all that, I still loved you and I felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem...

Arrested During Haircut

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 07:00:00 +0000

David Davis was in the middle of a haircut when he got into a scuffle and was then arrested. Read More

If I were that guy, I wonder if I’d be more devastated about the arrest or the haircut. Hahahaha!

On Beating Tetris (Animated)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 13:31:00 +0000

Hi! I Look Like a...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 01:21:00 +0000

iPhone 4 versus HTC EVO

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 22:00:00 +0000

The video seriously cracked me up!

Fashion Obsessed Animal?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 14:42:00 +0000

Or animal cruelty? ....

Call fashion Police!

He Said... I Said...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 12:20:00 +0000

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it

I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me . . ....... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove; sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said. . . A widow.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

The Mystery Behind Obama's Signature

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 03:47:00 +0000

The Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 07:57:00 +0000

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer.

This is also a reminder that it's Father's Day on Sunday. :)

Sh*t my Dad Says (The Book)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 12:00:00 +0000

If you're like me who has been following @ShitMyDadSays on Twitter, you probably know what book I'm talking about.

It all started when this 28-year old guy Justin Halpern, after being dumped by his longtime girlfriend and found himself living at home with his Dad Sam Halpen, Justin thought about creating a Twitter account and use it to post all those ridiculous things that his 73-year old Dad says from time to time.

To date, the said Twitter account has now over 1.4millon followers and still growing. This made a book Sh*t My Dad Says which was launched just a month ago and has currently hit No.1 on the New York Times best seller list. It apparently narrowly edged out Laura Bush's latest book. Justin said that when he told his dad about selling more copies this week than Mrs. Bush, his dad replied "Trust me, she doesn't give a fuck. She could have you killed."

HaHaHa!

Here are few samples of his dad's PG rated musings:

"Pick your furniture like you pick a wife: It should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it."

"Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking."

"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."

"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two".

In this book, Justin weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his dad's quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.

I must say, this is the funniest book I've ever read hands down. Yes, I read a ton of books and I cannot think of any other book that has made me literally laugh out loud! It even made me submit a review of this at Amazon and it was my very first time to do that. And before I even finished the book I was recommending it to everyone I know. If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know that this is the first time that I post a recommendation here. I'm not exaggerating... better check it out so you will see what I mean.

If your're interested, you can get the book at Amazon either as hardcover for $8.79 or as a PDF download version for $10.79 .

Hats off to Justin for writing so honestly and sharing his dad`s wisdom for us all to enjoy.

BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 15:32:00 +0000

This was sent to me via email by my Aunt. I think I must share it here.

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the heck is this?" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Andrea"', he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"'

She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder. it's Miracle Grow!"

Some guys just never learn... you should not tick off a woman. Hehe.

The Treadmill

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 12:20:00 +0000

This may not be the smartest way to use one.

Manny Villar is everywhere!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 06:14:00 +0000

Everyone in the Philippines must be getting tired of seeing this fat-faced, clean cut, orange clothed Presidential candidate, Manny Villar.

You can see him everywhere -- in your TV screens, on the road, in your computer screen, on iPhones, in the papers, ... and yes, even in your own rooms...

A Certain Airline Ad

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 10:49:00 +0000

There is something wrong with this ad, don't you think so?

Apple's iPad Predicted Years Ago by MadTV

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 07:40:00 +0000

After Apple's announcement of their latest much-hyped tablet computer iPad, a lot of people are eagerly wanting to have at least a piece of experience with it. However, a lot of pundits out there have also been amusingly linking the name iPad to that of "feminine pads'. "With a name like iPad, can Apple's new device possibly have wings?" says the title of an article in Washington Post pertaining to those commercialized pad with wings. Twitter is filled up with period jokes which eventually led "iTampon" to become a top trending topic, while some westerners are wondering how to differentiate talking about their iPod and their iPad.

The now-defunct comedy show MadTV had somewhat predicted the iPad existence when they did this fake ad several years ago. Just wondering if Steve Jobs had seen this video before deciding on the iPad branding.

How To Determine If You're A Douchebag

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 07:16:00 +0000

Douchebag people are everywhere. Sometimes you might wonder if people think you are one of them and that you might not even realize that you really are!. Hahaha! Got this flowchart from holytaco.com.

How To Get A Girl

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 23:33:00 +0000

Based from what I hear from many male friends I have; from witnessing my female friends experiences; from the real stories I have heard; and ... ok, based from my own experience too, this survey proved to be just... real.

Photo Of The Day: Wheelchair Toilet

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 02:44:00 +0000

Some warning signs are in places where you least expect it to be. And some funny signs should also be taken seriously, just like this one . . .

Yeah! Drink all you want, but don't drive.

Pet Facts (?)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 03:27:00 +0000

Saw this photo from another blog that I always read once in a while and I can't help to repost it here. The author must have taken this outside of a pet shop. It always cracks me up everytime I re-read it.

Source: House On A Hill

Photo of the Day: A Nice Place To Poop

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 19 May 2009 18:37:00 +0000

If only my toilet has a great view like this one, I won't mind having diarrhea or IBS all the time! Ha ha ha!

Classified Ads Blunders

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 18 May 2009 02:30:00 +0000

There are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips. Take a look at the following classified classics bellow:

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

HAIROBERT SALON - If we can't make you look good . . . You ugly!

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

And these beauties from the radio:

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Some Doomed People

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 17 May 2009 14:06:00 +0000

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just *doomed* and really unlucky. You don't believe it? Ok, consider these incidents:

* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

* George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

* Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

* Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

* Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

* A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

* While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sportscar. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sportscar. At this, the sportscar driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

* Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

* In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.

* Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

* In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit -- Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

* An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

This Only Happens In Movies

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 13 May 2009 20:18:00 +0000

Did you ever notice that there are some things that usually happen in the movies, but you never see them happen in real life? Here are some of them:

It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Any apartment in Paris will have a view of the Eiffel Tower.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.
People hack into computers by incessantly typing on the keyboard. Even though they don't appear to be working in DOS mode, the never use the mouse.
Sadistic killers are also witty stand-up comedians specializing in one-liners.
Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.
Medieval peasants always have filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged clothing - and perfect, gleaming white teeth.
In a swordfight, you can always parry behind your back, and you must always find a set of stairs to fight on so that the loser can roll down them and die at the bottom.
Always knock over the phone if it wakes you up. If you are expecting a call, make sure that you pull the covers up completely over your head so that knocking it over becomes easier. All houses have phones next to the bed.
In film, no one uses the restroom, except as a venue for escape. If there are multiple people in the restroom, expect a minor character revealation while they stand at the mirror.

There you go. Do you have your own observations that you can add up on these? Go head now to comments and share them with us here!