Last night, I watched the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8.  Since then, I have been very reflective on the hurt and anger exhibited by all. And I must say, they have seemed to reach a crossroads in their marriage. I must also say I disagree with Jon about the kids being “fine” if they, Jon and Kate, present themselves as a team and love them. And I also disagree with Kate’s remark, the kids don’t know what is going on (oh, they know!). In my humble opinion, the best thing you can do for your children is love and work through your differences with your spouse. As a child of divorce, it is very seldom that anyone wins or comes out fine. If they really are thinking of the kids, a viable answer here is work on the marriage. And I do speak from experience.

Three years ago, after 17 years of marriage, it appeared ours was headed for destruction. We had reached a point in which Matt wanted no more and I didn’t know what was happening or what to do. Don’t get me wrong here, I too knew there were serious issues, but we had limped and patched along for 17 years so what’s the biggie now? We too were at a crossroads. In a moment of desperation and fear, I threw out “let’s get counseling, if not for us for our kid’s sake”. Matt, thankfully, reluctantly agreed. And what happened then was astonishing.

We learned that the very basis of our problems started with our horrible communication skills. I was able to see how my “parenting” (yuck!) style of communication was belittling and demeaning. I had recognized this in other women, including Kate, but not in myself. I was broken and saddened.

Matt (if I may be so bold) saw how his choice to withdraw and not communicate in these situations did not help but added to the hurt. And it accumulated and accumulated until he was ready to burst and the only way to make it stop, leave. He felt empowered when he found his voice.  This too is common among men. Some, like Jon, find their voice and say “goodbye”. Some, like Matt, find their voice and say how they are feeling and why.

Then we learned the next big lesson, listening. And I had to do a lot of that and try not to be defensive. And we both, had to CHANGE. Because we were living out the definition of insanity in that we had been doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result.

There is more to this story, of course. I have only addressed the symptoms of the underlying problems here. And these things we have and still are facing and addressing both individually and together. This is important to healing and growing stronger together because without it the above is just bandaids.

Yep, they are at a crossroads. I hope and pray that their desire for their kids is real enough for them to jump off the treadmill their marriage has been on and into help that will prove their actions speak louder than their words.

In The Us Factor, Dr. Melnick talks about a sure way to cause your partner not to trust you. It’s called “The Yes…But”, and basically it goes like this: You start out saying something positive, then follow it up with something negative. Here are a couple of examples:

“Honey, I really liked the way you paid the bills this month, but I like to pay the car payment before I pay the credit card bill”.

Or “You did a great job helping little Jimmy with his homework tonight, but I wish you didn’t work so much so you could help him every night”.

Do you see how the second half of the sentence negates the first half? When you talk like that to someone, and if it gets to be a habit, the other person will become “in tune” to listening to the negative part, and not even hear the positive. They’ll feel that they are being manipulated, and a lot of time that’s true.

Some people feel that they need to start a difficult conversation with a positive statement, so that they don’t let the other person down too hard:

“You’re really a good person, but I can’t live with you anymore”. Ouch!

One way a couple can ease themselves into uncomfortable discussions is to prepare the ground. Ask your partner when they’ll be willing to set down and talk about a concern you have. Don’t surprise them with it.

In order to make a relationship work, you need to separate the good from the bad, or they’ll get mixed up. If you like the way your spouse did something, tell them. “I really like how you arranged the living room furniture”. If you don’t like it, then say “I don’t really like the furniture this way. Can we sit down and talk about it?”

Be prepared to give examples, but don’t blame or shame. Always speak with compassion and use “I feel” statements, and things will go much better. And remember – keep the positive and the negative separate!

One of the relationship habits that Dr. Joseph Melnick talks about The Us Factor is “characterizations”. Characterizing someone means “typecasting” them in a certain kind of role, and not allowing them to change. The example Dr. Melnick uses is how child actors are typecast as child actors, and it’s really hard for them to break out of that role. Once you see them a certain way, it’s hard to imagine them playing any other role. Bob Denver comes to mind to me (I know, I’m dating myself, but I’m sure some of you remember!) Once he had the role of Gilligan, it’s hard to see him in any other role, especially a serious one. He was typecast as Gilligan.

One of the things that we do as couples is typecast our husband or wife and not look at them as they are today. When was the last time you really looked at or heard your partner? That may sound silly, but I’ve noticed that unless I consciously make an effort to appreciate my wife, it’s easy to just go along, doing my daily things, and not really pay much attention to her.

Ecclesiastes 8:9

Recently, I was reading the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible, and it struck me that this wasn’t the depressing, hopeless book that I thought it was in the past. I’d always kind of ignored it because I thought it was kind of a downer, really (sorry God!) However, as I read through it last month, I stumbled on the following verse:

Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.

Now, I’m not exactly sure what this verse is supposed to mean, but the way I took it was just this: I’m to enjoy my wife, and my life, and to do to the best of my ability what God has given me to do. When I started thinking about it, I realized that I complain a lot, and don’t find joy in what God has given me. It helped me to start looking at Julie in a new way, in a way that I hadn’t seen her since we first met. I started noticing some things that attracted me to her that I’d been overlooking lately. Like her eyes – she has the most incredible eyes in the world, kind of a clear-gray-blue color that is absolutely breathtaking. Well, a few weeks ago I really took a close look at those eyes again, and thought “Wow! What a beautiful woman God has given me to share my life with!”

People Change

In the Us Factor, Dr. Melnick encourages us to realize that our partner is changing every day, and to not respond to your partner as they were 10 years ago – it’s not only wrong to do, it’s also inaccurate. People change. He encourages us to ask ourselves “How is my partner different today?” and notice what is different about them. Then, ask them questions about the things that you notice that are different. I think this is a great thing to try, and a good way to add some interest to your marriage again. Try it!

We just watched the first actual training DVD for The Us Factor and we found it both interesting and helpful. First, here’s a little bit about what we learned about the program itself, then we’ll share our take on the actual content.

It appears that in the DVD’s, Dr. Melnick alternates between showing several different couples interacting in his office, and his review of what they talked about with an interviewer. This is a good format, because it allows the watchers to relate to what the couple on the DVD are saying, then hear what Dr. Melnick has to say about their problem. It appears to me that these are real couples, not just actors, though I can’t be sure of that. They are very believable.

First Things First

The way the course is set up is to watch the Day One DVD because it gives you an overview of the program and helps you learn some key concepts that will help you as you use the Us Factor and interact with your partner.

Or, if you’re having a particular problem in your relationship, such as conflicts about sexuality, money, or parenting, you can watch the DVD that addresses that issue. Otherwise, start from the beginning, which is what we did.

So here goes with highlights from DVD lesson 1A – Becoming Aware of the Habits in Your Relationship – Part 1.

This DVD addresses various habits in a relationship, and why it’s important to become aware of those habits. These are a few that are mentioned, and a little bit about them. I think he goes into more detail in later DVD’s about the individual habits, and gives you skills to better your relationship.

• Pursuer Distancer Relationship. This is the idea that one person pursues, and the other retreats, especially in the case of communicating. This is bad if it always goes one way, but good if it reverses sometimes.
• Me vs. We Relationship. There needs to be balance. It’s OK to put yourself first sometimes, just not all the time. Too much “we” on both sides equals no differentiation, which results in boredom. Dr. Melnick says an interesting thing that I’ve also heard in counseling. You have to fight or disagree sometimes. That’s all right, and working through the disagreements helps you to become closer to your partner. Our counselor said his hope for us was that we’d have 10,000 more fights! Because that’s how we get closer and feel safe, working through the arguments. It’s a trust thing – you will not hurt me in our disagreements.
• Projection. This means guessing what’s going on in your partner’s head. No good. Projection causes curiosity to dwindle. Also  known as assumption.
• Lawyer’s questions. This is an interesting one that can be quite deadly for intimacy. It’s asking a question that you already know the answer to, or that can only be answered in one way – the way you want it to be. He recommends you stay on your side of the line (or my counselor says your side of the street). Only say things that you feel or know, ask feeling questions, and if it’s a difficult subject, negotiate the conversation – when, how, etc. – so you don’t just spring it on the other person. Julie used to believe that planning was boring, love and all that comes with it should be spontaneous to be romantic. She now sees how that is faulty thinking or what she refers to as “soap opera” mentality. Spontaneous  has its place for sure, but so does planning in a healthy relationship.

This is just a small sample of what’s on DVD 1A. One phrase that really resonated with me was this: Relationships grow out of managing the hurt. I think that said a lot, and I’m looking forward to forging on through the Us Factor.

• One of the things that Dr. Melnick talks about in the Us Factor is staying on your own side of the line, or as our counselor says, staying on your own side of the street. Here’s an example of what this means, taken from our life just this morning!

One thing Matt and I have learned is how to stay off each other’s side of the street. Let me explain.

This morning I was going to go for a walk and was deciding if I should take my cell phone, our constantly ringing business line. I asked my honey when he was going to shower because if he wasn’t going to until I came back, he could answer the phone, otherwise it was coming with me. He said “right away” and I said “ok I will take my phone”. Then (pay attention here) he said “well I can wait until you get back and answer your phone.”

Now that all sounds like he’s being kind, right? Wrong. I didn’t ask him to make my decision, I just needed facts so I could make it. If I decided I really didn’t want to take my phone, I would have then asked him (hopefully as I struggle with being passive/aggressive!!!) if he would mind waiting. His telling me to go was being on my side of the street and I felt like I was being parented.

Thankfully, we backed up, laughed and I asked him if he wouldn’t mind waiting.  And he graciously agreed.  He also could have asked me if I wanted him to wait, still my decision. We’re all adults here!