I’ve explored this with other colleagues in the mental health field, and I find I’m not alone, particularly on the front of feeling more comfortable when kids can express themselves.  (Yes, my kids will probably have a feelings wheel in their bedroom before it’s entirely appropriate.)  A friend who is a mother of twins, and also a therapist, explained a similar feeling to me when her kids were about three.  She said she is “still waiting for her moment to shine” as a parent.  She told me her husband seems to have shone while the kids were young, and, given her background, she’s anticipating that her moment is when her kids are adolescents.  I related to this so strongly, and ever since have secretly hoped my husband can carry us through until our kids have an emotional vocabulary.

This week, I’ve seen a different side of myself come out.  We have had an 11 and a half-year old black lab that my husband had before we met, and I had a boxer-pit bull mix who is now 7 and a half-years old.  These two girls became fast and furious friends when we introduced them four years ago when my husband moved to the area and we ended our long-distance dating.  They never fought, my girl shared her space with the newcomer right off the bat, and our hearts were warmed daily by their instant connection.  On Monday, we had to make the decision to put down our older dog.  I could write an entire separate (and somewhat unrelated to MoMs issues) blog post about the pain of this decision and the heartache that goes with it.  But, I’ll spare you (and myself, the tears welling up again).

A few friends and family who have known my fears about being able to connect with kids when I have them have always said that they see a maternal gene in me when I’m with our dogs.  But, the skeptic in me thought that this was what people said when they don’t really see you as a “mom” type and just want to make you feel better.  However, this week, the momma bear, protective part of me has come out in so many different ways.  One part of me has been grieving the loss of our older, sweet girl, while the other part of me has kicked into caretaking mode of our younger girl, in full-force.  I haven’t wanted to leave her for a second, and have brought her to work with me, spoiling her, letting her nap on the couch in my office and giving her treats.  When I left her last night for the first time since her friend left us, I cried all the way back to work, texting my husband about the sad face she made, the refusal of the treat I gave her, and all the other signs I saw in her that she was not handling the loss well.  Sure, some of this could be the hormones of being 31 weeks pregnant with twins, or me projecting my feelings onto the dog.  But, she is definitely not herself, and knows that something is off.  I can’t shake the knowledge that she has spent more of her life with her old friend than without, that she has not lived in our current house without a canine friend, etc.  Today, having too full of a day to have a dog in my office, I’ve asked my mom to go check in on her, and I’m planning on bringing her back to work tomorrow.  Am I overreacting?  Maybe.  But, it hit me that there IS a maternal gene in there, wanting to protect the surviving “child,” ensuring that she’s still happy and that life can go on as normally as possible for her.  (Until, of course, in 6-7 weeks, we bring home two little bundles of joy that she’ll sniff until her heart’s content and she’ll likely be demoted on the priority totem pole.)  It just may surface differently than it does for others.

The other dynamic shift that has felt bittersweet, is the ability to take care of my husband again.  I haven’t loved the part of pregnancy that puts you in the spotlight, requires you to need help from others, and essentially be more vulnerable than other times in your life.  Since our elder dog spent 6 years with my husband before we met, he has countless memories with her that I’m not in, and got to see her in her youthful, bouncy days.  While we’ve both been grieving, it’s been so nice to step out of the “patient” role for a moment and be there to help him process this event and what it means for him.  This, too, gives me hope for my caretaking gene.

This whole event has made me realize that it’s not black and white: you don’t either have or not have a “mom” gene.  I like the way my friend looked at parenting, as all of us having moments when we may “shine” more than others, which often has to do with the skills we bring to the table, and those we develop along the way.  I’m so grateful to have a partner who can naturally run around the backyard with a couple three year olds or play hockey in the living room with a five-year-old.  But, I’m also grateful that I may have skills that might be helpful in times when others may lose patience.

How did others fare with new babies who may have once worried about their ability to connect with kids?

Katie lives in the Chicago area with her husband and surviving “child” dog.  She’s 31 weeks pregnant with twins and hopes she knows what to do with them once they’re here.  

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In our case, I can honestly say that they do, at least in my ex-husband’s family.

These two sets of identical twins are cousins. Specifically, they are first cousins, twice removed. (I had to look that up.)

I know that there isn’t a biological basis that anyone’s been able to explain for identical twinning being genetic. I still get a kick out of there being another set of identical twins in the family. At least one set of fraternal twins has a mom who’s unrelated, and she’s obviously the one who contributed the eggs that resulted in twins, so it’s not “running in the family” the way people mean. Still, it’s downright cool to have so many twins and triplets.

Let’s look at it from the perspective of my mother-in-law. She has identical twin first cousins, holding my daughters in the photo above. Those cousins’ brother has fraternal twins, who didn’t make it to the reunion where we managed to snap our “multiple multiples” picture below. Obviously, my former mother-in-law has identical twin granddaughters, my sassy and sweet J and M. She also has fraternal triplet nieces, the loveliest young ladies I have the pleasure of knowing. I honestly can’t remember exactly how we’re related to the fraternal boys in the photo, but they’re also twins.

The women in the back row are identical twins. The girls in the middle are J and M’s beloved triplet cousins once removed. The little girls are my identical daughters, M and J. The boys in the front are twin brothers.

The coolest thing about having multiples in the family is the wisdom of the mothers of multiples. It was such a joy to talk to the older identical twins’ mom about her experience of motherhood. It’s her recent passing that has me pondering the family connections. The triplets’ mom has been an indescribable support over the years. She’s been a role model to me. Watching her homeschool her triplets plus one with grace and commitment has given me confidence in my own ability to raise my two daughters. It was in large part observing his aunt nursing his three cousins when he was a pre-teen that helped my ex-husband provide very practical assistance when I was breastfeeding my twins.

I cherish the multiples throughout the extended family, and I love it when strangers ask whether twins run in the family. We have such a great answer!

Does your family have multiple multiples?

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We wouldn’t change the quality time with our friends for anything, however we are unable to finance a ton of extra romantic evenings away from the kids on top of our “wildly” busy social lives. There are limits to how often we can call in the grandparents, because I’m pretty sure that they didn’t retire so Chris and I could go out to dinner and stare lovingly into each other’s eyes. Also, if we go out on a work night it generally means that Chris and I have seen the kids for less than an hour that entire day, which we both hate, added to the expense of hiring a sitter to take care of our twin munchkins.

We decided to come up with a few economical solutions to give us a “date” when we feel that we haven’t had enough couple time. As a part of this solution we’ve found the ideal couple to double date with – our 22 month old twins.

Me and Miss Molly on a “date” at Granville Island Brewery in BC

Drive In Movies
I have a real soft spot for the Drive In that started in the early 80s when my parents would take my sister and I in the hatch back Celica and we’d watch the first movie (or most of the first movie) from our sleeping bags and then fall asleep giving my parents a night at the movies. As a parent of infants The Drive In appeals to me because the car provides some shelter from disturbing fellow movie goers if there is a melt down, you have space to comfort and cuddle babies if they need it and Molly and Jack are generally really good in the car. I’ve found that our car is surprisingly sound proof! As the kids get older we’ll bring special snacks, play Frisbee outside before the movie starts, and watch them fall asleep during the first feature.

Backyard Romance
Getting out and organized with enough supplies can be a giant hassle and sometimes we’re too tired to make the effort. Now that the nice weather is here, we’re trying to celebrate in the evening by bringing a couple of beers or some wine out into the backyard, along with the baby monitor.

Brunch is Best
We go out at the time of day when our children are best behaved (for us this is generally late morning/early afternoon). I am a huge fan of brunch with kids because: 1) You can get something a little bit fancier for cheaper 2) The food is served quickly 3) There are often a lot of other children around even if the establishment isn’t a “family” restaurant and people seem to be generally more patient and understanding of kids being around during the day 4) Many places offer special child friendly menu options, colouring books and crayons. Our kids are usually really well behaved at restaurants, but they aren’t silent, not even close to it. It’s nice not to have to worry about offending other patrons or having to shush your children when they’re just being kids while you enjoy a meal out together. We always order the bill with our food, just in case we need to jam because of a meltdown.

Dinner & Movie
This is a bi-monthly tradition we started BC (before children) in the colder months to beat the winter blahs. When the minions get older this is something that everyone can enjoy and work on together in teams. Right now one of us is on childcare/bed time duty while the other person prepares for our late dinner in. Essentially how it works is that you alternate turns where one person selects a movie and prepares an appropriately themed dinner to go along with it. Chris is much better at the dinner and movie selection than I am. Personal favorites: Casablanca with a Moroccan Feast including sweet mint tea, The Godfather with spaghetti, meatballs, garlic bread and red wine, or Cool Hand Luke with Southern fried chicken and a dozen hard boiled eggs.

Hopefully this will allow us, and others to carve out a little together “alone” time and start some great traditions!

*This is an excerpt from a post on my blog.  Read the entire post click here

SaraBeth is a Toronto based writer.  Her blog Multiple Momstrosity was named one on Toronto Mom Now’s 2012 Top 30 Mom Blogs.  She is a two-time veteran of the Three Day Novel Writing Contest.  She lives in The Junction with her husband and fraternal toddler twins (Molly & Jack).

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Weissbluth

This is the book I started with, because it is more specific to twins, and I just needed a refresher since I already read a friend’s copy before the babies were born. It’s a very easy read, comprised of extremely intuitive advice that completely makes sense to me. I think it helped validate exactly how I’ve always felt about sleep for babies. There are a couple chapters in the beginning regarding his research and theories that are very interesting. If you’re looking for a quick fix for a common problem (e.g. how to create a schedule for both babies, how to stop bedtime crying, etc.), this is probably a good book to start with. The best gem of this book: “Sleep begets sleep.”

Pantley

I bought this one because I wanted to get a perspective that wasn’t “cry it out” related. This book is geared towards parents who are opposed to letting their babies cry themselves to sleep. I was never really one of those parents, even with my first singleton, but now that I have two more babies, Pantley’s strategies really wouldn’t work for me. This book requires creating some pretty extensive sleep logs and QUITE a bit a patience. By that I mean, probably no one desperate for sleep would be able to hang in there for what may take weeks, if not months. But if the sound of your child crying is making you miserable, or if your baby requires a slower approach, you might want to give this a try. It really is a much gentler way.

Ferber

This is by far the most comprehensive book of the three. It includes very detailed information about sleep and virtually every sleep disorder there can be. Definitely some interesting reading in the later chapters (head banging, sleep apnea, narcolepsy, etc.), but you really only need to read half of Part II and Part III (Chapters 4-6, 9-12). Ferber is known for “cry it out”, but in his book it’s called “progressive waiting”, and I don’t find it particularly harsh at all. In fact, this method is probably the one that works the best and quickest. It’s written in a case study format, with some great charts for reference. There are also some great instructions for shifting nap schedules. I think this is the one I will come back to if I run into trouble transitioning my babies to new schedules in the future.

 …………….

So, while going insane with my babies not on any kind of feed/sleep schedule, I scoured the internet and bought these 3 books after reading some Amazon reviews. I believe they pretty decently represent the different schools of thought that are out there (except Sears’ attachment parenting, which I am not interested in). A word of warning: Most of the content of these books can be found on the internet, often even verbatim. I’m sure it’s copyright infringement, as the text is not quoted or cited. I probably could have read enough online to piece together what I needed, but the books definitely lay it out nicer and I feel better that I didn’t “steal”. Ultimately I cobbled together a bit from here and there. I don’t really even know what came from where because I took what made sense to me from different sources and internalized them. I think once you read enough you just start to allow your instincts take over.

The other thing I’ve noticed that really helped with my babies was when became able to find their own sleep positions around 4 or 5 months. Both my babies are stomach sleepers. More often than not, they will find a comfortable position face down sucking on a blanket (Baby Girl), or the two forefingers of his left hand (Baby Boy). And for those of you following my sleep training journey, she’s been good through morning for well over a month now. And they do sleep day/night in side-by-side cribs in the same bedroom. We’ve come a long way from these days. Fellow new MoMs, there is hope!

lunchldyd is mom to 6mo b/g twins and their 3yo big sis, happy to take compliments on her now-well-sleeping twins.

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Here’s our schedule at nearly 9 months:

7:30-8am – Wake and breastfeed

9am – Breakfast (solids)

10ish-11:30ish – Bottle and Nap

1pm – Sometimes breastfeed, Lunch (solids)

3ish-4ish – Bottle and Nap

5:30pm – Breastfeed

6pm – Dinner (solids)

7:30-8pm – Bottle and Bed

11:30pm, 1:30am, 4:30am, sometimes 6:30am – Breastfeed

It’s pretty great. Except that last bit, where I’m STILL up 3-4x per night. I can’t quite figure it out. M used to sleep 8-12 hours without feeding. R could go at least 6. What happened? Is this a sleep issue (they’ve gotten into the habit of waking and needing a snuggle) or an eating issue (they’re not getting enough during the day and are making it up at night) or a combination of both? It’s not a growth spurt; it’s been going on for weeks. Our pediatrician assures us that they are growing well, staying right on their own curve, and that they certainly could sleep 11-12 hours.

As we approach one year, I know that the boys will gradually drop milk feeds and rely more on solids for nutrition. But which feeds will be dropped? They are already less interested in the mid-day breastfeeding.

I’m faced with what feels like a major decision: Do I prioritize sleep, and make a plan to drop the night feedings? Or do I prioritize breastfeeding?

On the rare night that the boys wake only twice in the night, I feel like a different person. I’m happy, calm, have perspective. On nights I’m up 3, 4, 7 times, I’m thrust back to newborn days all over again – I’m achy and depressed and my mind is in a fog. I’d love to regularly get more sleep, but it means that half the breastfeeds would be cut out. Meanwhile, would my boobs explode in the night? How would it affect my supply? Then there is the whole crying aspect of any kind of sleep modification. Isn’t it easier to just get up and take twenty minutes to soothe rather than to endure seemingly endless minutes of tears?

Then again, it’s not as if breastfeeding isn’t work too. I’m taking domperidone, and despite being assured by a lactation consultant that I would be “overflowing with milk,” I’m not sure it’s making much difference at all. I’m also taking an herbal milk supplement 4x/day. M gets frustrated waiting for let-down, and R has started biting. All the necks of my shirts are stretched out. Sometimes they are too distracted to take a full feeding, which drives me crazy. Other times they are ravenous and I just don’t feel I have enough to satisfy them. I get tired of stripping every time someone is hungry. There are days I want to just stop – go with the order, predictability, and data-friendly formula and close this chapter of mothering. I mean, they have to stop at some point.

Other times, I cling to the connection with my boys, and frankly, the self-righteousness of doing “the best” for them. I love that they are getting the perfect food, and feel horrible guilt that I can’t give them more. It’s such a breeze to be out and be able to feed them without any prep or clean up. I love their cuddles and sweet little milky breath. It isn’t like when they were newborns – I have many other ways to comfort them now – but there is a special peacefulness about it, especially since I’ve stopped tandem feeding and can focus on one little guy at a time.

I could attempt to return to exclusively breastfeeding by one year (over the next three months) by phasing out the formula feedings. Or I could focus on phasing out the night feedings and get some much-needed sleep. Or I could keep doing what we’re doing, take my cues from the boys, and let things evolve naturally. Why does that last one seem so right and yet so hard?!

Anyone successfully transition from formula supplements to exclusively breastfeeding, or vice versa? Do you lean toward guiding their kids through transitions, or are you able to follow their lead?

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These women were incredibly nice. One of them, Kara, was tandem nursing her one-year-olds. Formula had never touched their lips. She was an inspiration to me throughout my efforts to breastfeed my girls.

The problem, though, was that I was the only woman in the group with a full-time job. The group’s activities that included kids were all held during the day, on weekdays. They didn’t have any weekend activities; they wanted to spend that time together as a family with their husbands. The monthly weekday evening meetings were child-free. They were intended to be a chance for a bunch of girlfriends to leave their kids with their husbands and get a night off. That worked for me for a couple of months, but then my husband deployed to Iraq when our babies were 5 months old.

I couldn’t quite see my way to hiring a babysitter when I was already away from my daughters 11 hours every day. I maintained friendships with individual members of the group by email. I volunteered to manage the membership records. I couldn’t really attend any events, though.

My “real” participation was limited to the annual family-inclusive potluck picnic. I was the only one at the picnic without a husband. (Since then, three of us have gotten divorced and one has remarried.) It was a great time, though. When I got up from my hotdog to give my girls their bottles, their having rejected the breast months earlier, Kara asked me to hand her a baby. We each fed a child with one hand, feeding ourselves with the other, while she watched her three kids run in the grass. I was dumbfounded. With the exception of my dear friends Sara, whose son was 14 days younger than mine and whose husband had deployed with with mine, and Kaylan, who was living with us, my friends were generally terrified by my children. I hardly knew what to do with this cool, collected and well-coiffed mother who was clearly comfortable handling an undersize baby or two.

I tried reaching out to the much larger mothers of multiples group that served the greater Austin area, but never received a response to my queries. I looked at their meeting schedule, and sure enough, kid-friendly activities were during work hours. Kids weren’t welcome at after-hours events. I was a little miffed, but figured that I had a pretty great support network through work, plus the gifts of Sara and Kaylan.

This whole time, I’d been blogging, trying to provide a place for our relatives around the world, including Daddy in Iraq, to keep up with what M and J were up to. There were lots of photos and here’s-what-we-did-today posts. One day, I clicked a link in a moms’ forum to The Busy Dad Blog. I don’t even remember what post it was, but it had me in stitches and I left a comment. On a whim, I linked my name to my little family-and-friends mommy blog.

From that teeny little comment, people–complete strangers–started visiting my dinky little blog. People starting commenting. I clicked to their sites. I discovered this entire culture of mommy blogging. (Sorry, Jim, but I consider you a mommy blogger; if there were more daddy bloggers like you around, I’d probably graduate to “parent blogger,” but there you have it.) Before long, I was finding my parenting deeply impacted and greatly improved by the observations and recommendations of the likes of LauraC, Goddess in Progress, and Momo Fali. LauraC’s extraordinary boys, Nate and Alex, are only 6 days younger than my daughters, she works full-time, and her husband travels for work. There’s no one else I’d come across who seemed to understand my day-to-day reality better.

I discovered LauraC and Goddess in Progress right here at How Do You Do It? I’ve since met HDYDI’s LauraC and Reanbean in real life. Goddess and I can somehow never quite make it to the same place at the same time, although we’ve tried. I’ve become close friends with Tracey, also a former blogger at HDYDI. Our families have even spent Christmas together, although her boys can no more tell my girls apart than my girls can distinguish them. It doesn’t seem to negatively impact their play.

My virtual mothers of multiples club online has helped me get through potty training, the Terrible (Horrible Awful Monstrous) Threes, deployment after deployment, school decisions and, most recently, divorce. It’s hard to explain to people who don’t experience online relationships like these how much these people, most of whom I will never meet face-to-face, mean to me. I’ll never be able to repay what I owe them.

Traditional mother of multiples clubs haven’t quite worked out for me, but the blogosphere? That’s my club. Online parenting support has been priceless. My daughters are better off for the community of thoughtful parents who’ve shaped how they’re raised.

Thanks to MarisaB and RebeccaD for kicking off this conversation.

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My own dad split before I was two. My ex-stepdad and I have a relationship that has run the gamut from good to bad to nonexistent. Now, we have a healthy respect for each other and I definitely consider him an important family member. But I don’t call either one of these men “Dad.”

Enter my amazing husband. When we decided to start a family, I knew that we would truly parent as a team – my kids would have the dad that I never did. He is tender, kind, courageous, strong, funny, and smart – all the qualities that I hope my boys someday emulate. And he is there, in big and small ways, everyday, present and available to our sons. He is teaching me what a dad is.

Twin dads are a special breed. They don’t get enough credit much of the time. While many first-time dads are auxillary care-givers, twin dads are primary care-givers alongside mom. Most twin dads I know are more involved and more knowledgeable than dads of singletons, simply because they have to be – with two, mom can’t do it all (even if she wants to!).

The day we got home from the hospital when the boys were born, I returned in an ambulance for an additional four-day stay (uterine lining infection, among other things). My husband and my mom were suddenly responsible for 4-day-old infant twins. He was awesome. He took tender care of them, sleeping on the floor beside their Nap Nannies, because he wanted to be close to them. He dressed them and brought them to me in the hospital, one at a time, so they could nurse. He painstakingly fed them from a cup so they wouldn’t have trouble breastfeeding. When I got home, he would get up at night with me and bring me the boys one at a time. I literally did not change a diaper until the boys were two weeks old because my husband was eager to take care of them in any way he could.

As the boys have grown, I’ve watched their relationship with their dad blossom. R cries everyday when he leaves for work, and scampers up to him with a huge smile and shining eyes when he gets home. In the future, I can see the two of them enjoying hikes, playing catch, and sharing a love of books that R already exhibits. Shy M looks around for dad when he’s feeling nervous, and settles comfortably in the security of his arms. I know they will love sitting quietly together, making a meal or watching the game, and trading jokes, each with their own fantastic laugh. My boys love their dad, and he is crazy about them too.

I know this first year of parenthood hasn’t always been easy. In addition to having twins, my husband started a new job this year. Talk about major life stressors. Yet every day, he participates in running the household and finds energy to scoop up his boys and give them cuddles and play time and lots and lots of giggles. At times, I stand back and just watch the three of them, happy to witness all this love.

This Father’s Day is special because it’s the first one that I am happy to celebrate. Instead of an awkward reminder of half-relationships, this year I am proud to honor the best dad I’ve ever known. Times two.

Happy Father’s Day to all the new and veteran dads out there.

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Tuesday night, I start planning. Wednesday’s morning nap is devoted to lunch-packing, bag-stocking, and layer-gathering (jackets, sun hats, warm hats, socks, shoes, blankets, oy). I have to decide how we’ll handle afternoon nap – on the go? Snap n go because they’ll sleep in their car seats or CitiMini because it’s easier to push? Or try to make it home for nap and prevent them from falling asleep on the way? I try to time feedings so they aren’t during the middle of the playgroup because it’s so exciting the boys won’t eat and I’ll be up all night making up the ounces.

By the time noon rolls around on Wednesday, I’m bracing myself for the rest of the day to be totally off schedule. I consider not going. I’ve been going at full speed all morning and I’m already late. I look at the kids and my four walls and know that the only thing more exhausting than going out is staying in. I scoop up the diaper bag and the guys and schlep down 3 flights of stairs and it still feels like a bad idea.

Then I get there. I see the collection of double strollers and blankets crawling with babies and a sea of shared toys. I realize the sky is beautiful blue and the grass is soft and cool and wow, the air smells good. Someone sees me and waves.

And I feel like a person for the first time all week. A competent, fun, lively person. Who cares if I haven’t slept, showered, or spoken to another adult in days? We’re all in the same boat. We’re all chasing two kids around, wondering if we’re doing the right thing, loving our babies and trying to figure out this parenting thing. We can compare pediatricians’ advice, share fitness goals, celebrate milestones, and vent about our partners. We can feel totally normal.

I first started needing my twin group when I was pregnant. I went to several prenatal classes, and felt so…different. For one thing, I was huge. I was so slow (thank you, pubis symphasis). And I was starving. Other women were snacking on nuts and juice; I was wolfing down burgers. When I went to my first MoM meeting, I instantly felt proportional. My belly wasn’t comically large – it was right on track. Being around all those teeny tiny twins was overwhelming at first, but it helped normalize my impending experience, and showed me that, yes, you can totally nurse one infant while rocking another.

Twin parents are sort of – fearless. They’ve handled the double meltdown, the simultaneous poop, the urgent divergent needs that no one but mom can meet. Things get tense, but nothing fazes them. I’ve held another mom’s twin while jiggling my guys in their stroller while singing to the other twin crying during a diaper change. My friends have steering my one of my pre-walkers away from concrete while holding both their twins and carrying on a conversation about how to prepare tofu as finger food. I’m grateful that they nonchalantly swipe grass out of my kid’s hand as he tries to eat it, and vice versa.

I guess you could say we’re comfortable with the crazy.

I don’t know how to communicate that when parents of singletons say, “I don’t know how you do it.” You do it because you have to do it. Because you don’t know any different. And it’s pretty awesome to be around people who get that, and are doing it too.

I’m always sad when it’s time to pack up and head home on Wednesday afternoons. I stretch the boys’ wake time so I can have as much time as possible with these women that have become my treasured friends. As I head home, alone again with my boys and my thoughts, the weight of care-taking comes back – unpacking, dinner, clean up – but that weight is always lighter than before. I’ve been shored up by my sisters in multiplicity, and that makes the weekly effort worth it.

When parents of older multiples stop us and say, “It gets easier!” I hope they know that they just helped make it a little easier – and that week after week, the hope, comraderie, and friendship we offer each other makes it easier to trust myself, take heart in tough times, and treasure special moments that only come with two. The network of support I get from my twin group, and all the twin parents who reach out to us, is my safety net in this new parenting gig. I’m not a supermom/freak of nature, I’m a member of this awesome club.

Thanks for inspiring this post, MarisaB! Looking forward to seeing what other parents of multiples have to say about their twin groups – and if you haven’t joined one yet, go for it!

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I dealt with all the comments during pregnancy—the “better you than me”, the “double trouble”, the “my cousin’s neighbor has twins”, the “I always wanted twins” (or, bizarrely to me once: “I almost had twins”…a story which did not result in the loss of a twin, but rather a woman who, prior to ultrasound technology, knew all along she was having twins, but never heard two distinct heartbeats and only delivered one baby). I joined twin groups, mentally prepared myself for the barrage of twin-comments we’d receive everywhere we went.

I never imagined how much it would sting to lose that.

I am luckier than many in the twin world: both my twins are alive and thriving.

But.

They do not reach developmental milestones within days of each other. Not even within months. They do not wear the same size of clothing, and haven’t since D outgrew the preemie size (while A was still a 3-pounder, outfits hanging on him like Doby’s pillowcase). They will probably not be in the same class at school (except perhaps preschool). Strangers do not ask me if they’re identical or fraternal, or even “Are they twins?” They ask me, “How far apart are they?”

The first time I got that question, the boys were 9 months. Now, D quickly outgrew the “adjusted” charts and was over 50% in height quite early, and has been slower but always on-the-charts in weight. Even so, he looked at most 11 months old. With A, who yes, (yes, believe it or not, I know), is small. But at 9 months, he looked perhaps 4 months, but probably closer to 5. Just what gestational length did these questioners have in mind, anyway??

But now, at 16 months, D could easily pass for 2. And A could be a tall-but-skinny (95th and below-zero) 9-month-old. Which is probably about where he is developmentally as well. The question is no longer absurd.

And it hurts. Selfishly, it hurts, as it is not what I imagined. It is not what “twins” entails in popular culture, mythology, anyone’s mind. But it also hurts for them. They are and always will be brothers, but I feel like they each are missing that twin-thing: the sharing of clothes, sharing of friends, sharing school books, mastering new skills together.

I rarely comment in my twin group. I feel like so much of it just does not apply.

A lot of it does, though. A lot of it applies, and then some. Feeding twins is so hard! Feeding twins when one of them has a feeding tube? Even harder. Getting any sleep with twins is hard! Getting any sleep with twins when one of them has several alarms hooked up to him, which give both real and (thankfully) not-real alerts? Harder. Dealing with extended family who plays favorites? Whoooo, boy, let me tell you. Finding time to {x}? You get the picture.

A and D will never know a different life. As brilliant as they are, I highly doubt either of them pondered the concepts of twinhood while womb-mates, probably not even recognizing that other kicky-squirmy creature with a heartbeat from my own intestines. They are twins, and this is what twinhood will mean to them, even when they understand that it may not hold true for the greater world. In some ways, they are wiser than I am.

The post They’re Still Twins appeared first on How Do You Do It?.

A few weeks ago, I was at a play date with an old coworker of mine and her sister-in-law, both mothers of singletons. We met at a local park. As always, I brought my twins in their double City Mini Baby Jogger while the other moms carried their babies. At one point, my friend suggested we sit on the grass and rolled out a blanket for the babies to sit on.

Of course, like clockwork, my extremely mobile twins started crawling at lightning speed in two different directions. Jack was headed for the base of a nearby tree, while Mara had somehow gotten under the swings. I rushed around, grabbing both babies, and carrying them in my arms (together) back to the blanket.

“Oh my God, Carrie,” lamented the sister-in-law to my friend, watching me with pity and awe. “Can you imagine doing that?”

I often leave events like these feeling a mix of emotions ranging from “they have no idea how much work it is for me” to “I really hate that they pity me for having two babies.” Even when I feel I have mastered the twin thing (at least at this stage!!) and could do it in my sleep, experiences like these always anchor me back down.

Enter my twin friends. While most of us didn’t have anything in common at first except for being mothers of multiples, these women have become some of my closest friends and confidants. Especially during the first few months, when the days were incredibly hard and you wondered how on earth you could survive on just an hour or two of consecutive sleep, having the support of other moms of multiples really saved my sanity. There were the early morning texts after a truly awful night, the emails about the challenges of pumping and tandem nursing. During my most difficult days, they would always reassure me with those four little magical words: “It Will Get Easier.”

Having other moms of multiples in your life is truly life changing. One of my closest friends, B, (an acquaintance until we both found out we were pregnant with twins, due just a few months apart) really set the course for me in terms of how I parent and see myself as a mother of multiples. Watching B mother her twins with her sense of humor, can-do attitude, and ability to quickly adapt to change has been instrumental.

During our first outing (a walk in the park) when Jack and Mara were about six weeks old, B mentioned she had gotten frozen yogurt the night before, and carried her four-month old twins with her in their infant seats, with no stroller, no help – NOTHING!  I was in awe. “Didn’t people stare at you, carrying two babies ALL ALONE!!?!” I asked. B shrugged. “I don’t know. And I don’t care.”

Back to the play groups. I met up with my “twin” play group at the park last week – moms of multiples I had met through my local multiples chapter. Spreading out my blanket next to the other moms, I immediately felt a sense of relief knowing these women also had two babies with them. While Jack was off trying to pull a toy out of another baby’s mouth, Mara was chomping on some grass, and these women didn’t even so much as blink.

When it was time to put the babies in the swings, I started to put Jack and Mara back in their stroller to walk over to the playground section of the park. Another mom called out to me -  “Don’t bother with the stroller! Just carry them! You know you carry them together at home!” She scooped up her twins and walked over to the playground. And I happily followed suit.

What have you learned from your relationships with other mothers of multiples?

The post Why I Need Other Twin Moms appeared first on How Do You Do It?.