Holler At Your Girls

Why women don't just go with the grow

2010-03-18T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am a woman; I have body hair. And, apparently, I am not alone.

In the run-up to the Oscars, Academy Award-winning actress Mo'Nique let people in on the fact that she does not shave her legs.

The comedian and late-night talk show host told Barbara Walters, "I tried shaving one time. It was so uncomfortable and so painful, and when it grew back, it grew back even thicker, and more of it. I said never again would I do that to myself."

Most of the coverage of Mo'Nique's leg-hair decision did not discuss the significance of her statement in a broader context.

What is the broader context? Well, despite the fact that all human beings get body hair when they become adults, from about puberty, girls are faced with cues that body hair is something to be ashamed of, embarrassed by and ultimately removed.

If girls decide to remove their body hair, then that's their choice. But they might not realize that in order to remain hair-free they will have to remove that hair every day for the rest of their lives (give or take a day or two) or have it permanently removed at some point.

By the time those girls are women, hair removal is just an accepted part of their grooming routine.

Now is probably a good time for me to mention that hair removal is a $10 billion industry, and I hear that's a conservative estimate.

I know you're saying, "Men remove hair as well. Men and women are both expected to have regular haircuts, trim their nose hairs and remove hair in their ears and on their backs if they want to be socially acceptable. And many men are expected to remove beards and mustaches for work."

And you're right.

But check out these ads (here, here, here and here) targeting women for temporary hair removal methods.

You see my point? In order to be feminine -- beautiful even -- a woman can't just go with the grow.

So that means a woman who doesn't want to be noticed for her body hair has to consider the following:

1) Her eyebrows must have a certain shape or arch.
2) She can never have hair above or below her lips or on her chin.
3) Sideburns can't be too thick.
4) Same goes for the hair on the cheeks of her face.
5) No underarm hair.
6) No chest hair.
7) No belly hair.
8) No visible hair "down there" (not my phrase of choice) when sporting a bathing suit.
9) No thick or course hair on the forearms.
10) No leg hair.
11) No hair near her knuckles and no hair anywhere on her feet, if she's really diligent.

And the options for what to do with body hair (because a feminine, beautiful woman must be silky smooth at all times) include:

1) Slowing growth (you need a prescription).
2) Shaving (sigh).
3) Plucking (mini-ouch).
4) Dissolving (I-think-I-left-it-on-too-long-ouch).
5) Waxing (honey-coated-ouch).
6) Zapping with a laser (super-ouch).
7) Destroying the root (I-need-to-slap-somebody-ouch).

NOTE: That list was not exhaustive because it didn't include arguably ouch-worthy methods like threading and sugaring. Don't ask.

Doesn't this all sound ridiculous now that we've actually thought about it?

It's about time we blame somebody for this. Who do you want to blame? The fashion industry? The media? Advertisers? Razor manufacturers? Men? Women?

Who knows?

But let me ask you something, ladies. Would you be willing to take a page from Mo'Nique's book and cut yourselves some slack?

Because what Mo'Nique might be saying is that hair removal is ultimately a choice. A choice we make every day. And if we give up the goal of trying to be "feminine" or society's latest version of "beautiful," then we can choose to be ourselves, with hair on our legs and all.

What do you think? Would you be willing to let it all grow out?

Photo courtesy: Naotakem, Flickr Creative Commons.

The Joy of Sex!

2010-01-13T20:48:00.000-08:00

Ok, now that I have your attention, I am seeking any advice that readers are willing to offer. A friend of mine (no, really, it's not me, it really is a friend) is anxious about having the sex talk with her fraternal twins who will turn 13 in February. The conversation is now unavoidable since the twins are going to be attending a co-ed camping trip.

So, mom and dad are preparing to talk to their kids, but where should the conversation start? How far should the conversation go? Humor, is it advised (I kinda think so)? Should there be props? Should the conversation be done separately?

So, I'd like to help ease her stress. It's self-seeking actually =). I told her, since she would have mastered this conversation, I'm sending my children to her when it comes time for me to have the sex talk!

Welcoming all advice.

Be blessed! Love, peace and Sunshine! =)

Backing into the Lieberman

2009-12-08T16:01:00.000-08:00

One commonly loved sport among the Jews is to play the "Who's a Jew" game. At least one round of "Who's a Jew" is played at each of my family gatherings. We don't plan for it. It just happens.

For whatever reason, the Jews get off on identifying the lone chosen one who makes a living doing something that is largely reserved for the gentiles - like NASCAR racing, or running a state fair (or enjoying/attending either one).

Laker point guard Jordan Farmar is a favorite among my family, especially since my mom dated his grandpa, whom she met on J-Date.

Each round usually includes the following interaction: "Did you know XX is Jewish?" "He's Jewish? I didn't know that." (Mini moment of silence while we all take comfort in knowing that XX enjoys talking about his bowel movements with friends and family.) "Can you pass the kugel? It's delicious." "Everything's delicious."

So in the 2000 presidential election, you could imagine how surprised we were when Al Gore chose Joe Lieberman as his running mate. Sure, the few conservatives in my family who mistakenly believe Democrats don't give a damn about Israel didn't support the Gore-Lieberman ticket, but there was a mutual sense of familiarity and pride. (Great, now I'm imagining Joe talking about his bowel movements. Sorry about that.)

I was a huge Gore supporter and, although Lieberman was too conservative for my liking and his voice made me wish I was a deaf democrat, I was on board. He added a reasonable balance to the ticket. And it was pretty cool to witness the first Jewish-American ever to be chosen for this position in a major party. I'll "challah" to that.

Speaking of Joe Lieberman... and please pardon my long and drawn-out anecdotal style of "backing into the lead," as my journalism professors would call it... but I write all of this tangential rhetoric to say that I am sickened by and furious with Sen. Joe Lieberman. He is the political carnation of a cock block.

I don't care that he is a Democrat-turned-Independent, but it kills me that he still gets to caucus with the Democratic party as he shits all over them - and probably loves talking about it at the dinner table, too.

He endorsed the McCain-Palin ticket, he was one of the staunchest supporters of the Iraq war and President Bush's policies in Iraq, and he was the lone Democrat to criticize Bill Clinton on the Senate floor for BJ-gate.

Now Lieberman is threatening to withhold his vote on health care reform if it includes any form of a public option. I don't completely understand the intricacies of the health care bill because it's so fucking complicated and it's changing every day, but from what I do understand, it doesn't go nearly far enough. (Full disclosure, I am pretty much a socialist when it comes to health care - I believe it's a right, not a privilege.)

Democrats need Lieberman's 60th vote to overcome a Republican filibuster and proceed to a final vote in the Senate. Consequently, Democrats are watering down the bill even more with compromise proposals, like supplementing the public option with something else Lieberman won't like, particularly if it involves health insurance regulation. (Sen. Lieberman has received close to 500k in contributions from the health insurance industry and his state of Connecticut is home to some of the largest insurance companies. He also may be endearing himself to Republicans for 2012).

No wonder Lieberman cannot clearly articulate why he won't support it - not only because his voice sounds like a dying donkey caught in a well, but because his reasons are underhanded. He has been quoted as saying it’s the “wrong time” to create a government insurance program, claiming it would increase the national debt, probably raise taxes and increase premiums for insurance holders. I'm sorry, but what about the huge financial burden of the uninsured and wasteful health care costs?

Leading Democrats are now proposing to eliminate a public option from the bill in exchange for lowering the Medicare age limit from 65 to 55 and extending a Medicare "buy-in" program to those between 55 and 65. I'm sorry, but that is hardly a fair trade.

I resent the fact that Obama's campaign promise to overhaul health care has disintegrated into this sorry version of more-of-the-same. I don't want the bill to pass in its current form. It's a lose-lose situation, largely thanks to Joe.

What does this have to do with playing the "Who's a Jew" game? Not much, ultimately. Lieberman's religious beliefs don't matter. I don't expect all answers to the "Who's a Jew" game to live up to my expectations. Hey, Farmar has struggled and underperformed as a point guard. I suppose I am merely disappointed that I voted for a Vice Presidential candidate who has fallen so far. I feel betrayed and frustrated that our health care system is in such disarray with no end in sight.

Some form of a health care bill is supposed to pass before Christmas. But Joe, you have the power to make it happen before Hannukah. Please don't make us wait until Passover. The Jews need health insurance coverage - we have sensitive stomachs.

High-Speed Peacock

2009-12-01T16:14:00.000-08:00

When I was an eager, young intern at NBC news, my job was to monitor the wires for breaking stories. One day, I spotted a report on a helicopter crash somewhere in the midwest, and so I alerted the news director. Just as I started gathering contact info and details, my supervisor told me the story was killed. Why? Because the helicopter engine that failed was made by General Electric, the parent company of NBC. A small, yet disturbing example of the hazards of media consolidation. So I did what any ambitious, idealistic intern would do... grabbed my coat and tagged along on a breaking news story about how folks in Sherman Oaks were dealing with the first drizzle of the year.

I'll admit I am a little obsessed with the insipid web of media consolidation, maybe to a fault. I am the annoying kind of media consumer who is vigilantly on the lookout for subtle product placement or manipulative messages. Watching TV with me is kind of like sitting next to the guy with the peanut allergy on an airplane.

(I'll let you ponder that one for a moment.)

Television, movies, newspapers, books, and the internet are our primary sources of information and entertainment. They are meant to serve the public interest and provide diverse voices, viewpoints and programming. When a few ginormous corporations control most of our sources of information, local, minority and independent owners are pushed out of the market.

Thus, the pending merger of Comcast and NBC Universal makes me very uncomfortable.

Let's take a quick look at who we are dealing with here. Comcast has 23.9 million cable customers and 15.3 million high-speed internet customers, making it both the largest cable company and the largest residential broadband provider.

NBCU owns 27 broadcast television stations and a myriad of cable stations, including Bravo, CNBC, MSNBC, Oxygen and USA Networks, not to mention Universal Pictures/Home Video/Cable/Theme Parks, Focus Features, Hulu.com, among others.

Combined, these two huge companies make over $50 billion in annual revenue. This marriage would be the beginning of an unprecedented media consolidation with an inevitable domino effect. The other huge media and telecom companies will have to compete. Among Disney, News Corp., Time Warner and AT&T, these guys will strike up a couple more mega-deals to fill in the rest of the pie. Sorry independent content creators - always the bridesmaids, never the brides.

This pending merger is disconcerting, particularly at a time when the rules of traditional media are in such disarray. The future of the internet is being decided right now. It could go the way of a free and open medium, or fall into the hands of a few with tremendous market power.

I dread the day when we reflect back on the good times of Net Neutrality, when ISPs didn't speed up or slow down online content based on its source and who pays them the most. And thanks to Comcast, we got a taste of this predicament. In 2007, the AP confirmed that Comcast was blocking internet file sharing by posing as its users and sending messages to actual users that would tell them to stop communicating. Sneaky bastards.

So imagine you are surfing the net and want to watch CSI Kandahar, a CBS show, but the speed is as slow as dial-up circa 1998. A pop-up ad for Bravo's Real Housewives of Baghdad appears. You click and the program streams smoothly and at lightening speed.

The conflicts of interest go on. Subscription-based TV distributors like Direct TV pay content providers like NBCU for the right to carry their cable channels. If their fees go up, that burden will get passed on to the consumer. Bundled cable/internet/wireless bills will rise.

How is this not vertical integration? Why aren't antitrust violations being scrutinized?

Well, the reason is obvious. The media and telecommunications industries are second to drug companies in how much money they spend on federal lobbying.

But hey, maybe there is a silver lining to all of this. If you have internet or cable troubles, who's to say Steve Carell won't show up to fix the problem.

Arnold, you make a terrible parent

2009-07-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

Maria, are you there? Do you not see that your husband is neglecting the children? Oh wait, your kids are being taken care of by a full-time staff. Sorry to bother you. You may be tending to your uncle who, even with full healthcare coverage and a malignant brain tumor, is still managing to fight for universal healthcare. Carry on.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signs the budget that he calls, "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly." Way to incorporate movie trivia into your new gig, Mr. Governator.

Let's start with the bad, being the pessimist I have a tendency to be. The bad is obviously the fact that the governor made $500 million additional cuts that will affect child welfare, children's healthcare, the elderly, state parks and AIDS treatment and prevention, going well beyond the cuts that were part of the deal Schwarzenegger worked out with legislators. Alrighty.

Let's look at the good. The governor says the good part is that the plan does not raise taxes. Sorry, I think I just barfed in my mouth a little. Can we get micro for a minute and put this on a small scale? Arnold is dad, and he is telling Sally and Juan they cannot be properly taken care of because daddy makes so much money and he shouldn't have to pay for his kids' well- being because that wouldn't be fair to daddy. Daddy has worked hard taking all of those steroids to build his wealth, bi's and tri's. Oh and the elderly and the sick, it will all be over soon. It's not like there will be parks for you to sit and enjoy anyways.

Excuse me sir, but where is your foresight? Where is your understanding of prevention and hope? I don't know what it takes to run a state, or a family for that matter. But I do know that if you build a gaudy mansion made of steel and gold trim atop quicksand, shit's gonna go down.

Oh and the ugly? According to Governor Schwarzenegger, the ugly is that he had to make the cuts because lawmakers left town after failing to fully close the state's deficit. I guess Arnold believes in spanking too.

The Dating Game (I've Forgotten the Rules!)

2009-07-15T21:38:00.001-07:00

Any dating advice? Dating do's and dont's. Holla! I'm all ears!

Love, Peace and Sunshine! :)

“Is it really your job to (insert topic here)?”

2009-07-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

Let me address the argument of “If you don’t want to watch it, you can turn from it” before even writing my thoughts. The answer quite frankly is, no, I cannot turn from it. The 24 hour news cycle and numerous media outlets are playing the information endlessly. I want the information, but in its proper form, tastefully and professionally done with an element of morality and sincerity present.

I have been watching the coverage of the passing of a legendary, philanthropic musical genius, humanitarian and selfless international icon in Michael Jackson. Aside from what fans feel they know about him and his life through the portrayals in the media, Michael was a human being first, who had a family. A person with a family who is now grieving for the loss of their dad, son, uncle, brother and friend. Regardless of this family’s iconic status in musical history, like anyone else, they are mourning the loss of someone close to them.

So I ask, is it really the media’s job, at this very moment, right now, before Michael has even been put to rest, to report on all of the supposed “wackiness,”“shenanigans” and “allegations” that plagued the latter years of Michael’s life? Or to also report on numerous speculations without having all the facts, even if you report that you are speculating, knowing that it is human nature for individuals to spread non-truths in conversations as fact? I have just seen a story where the news media has found Bubbles the Chimp. Really. My goodness!

So I ask, is it really the job of Michael’s “friends,” at this very moment, right now, before Michael has even been put to rest, to speak out about his supposed dependency on prescription drugs, his not wanting to be black, or his being eccentric? Or should there be a respect that says, instead of serving their own self-interest, these “friends” should recognize that these are private issues, that should be discussed with the appropriate authorities right now?

So I ask, is it really the job of entertainers, at this very moment, right now, before Michael has even been put to rest, to give the “King of Pop” a “tribute,” worthy of a celebration for a new artist selling his first 100,000 copies of an album, than the celebration worthy of an icon? Is it the job of the network to put together a rushed show, or is it better to announce the plans of a more organized, well thought out and rehearsed accolade? I’m referencing the BET Awards specifically, and how disappointed and disgusted I was while watching. To the credit of some artists, who gave a fitting tribute, the rest were self-serving with a half-hearted rest in peace and a procession to a performance plagued with profanity, scantily clad women and alcoholic beverages on stage. A performance that is the antithesis of everything Michael represented. To everything, there is a time and place, and the award show paying homage to Michael was neither the time nor place. BET should be ashamed.

My point here is this: at this moment, right now, before Michael has even been put to rest, can everyone put their self-serving interest aside to give one of the most giving people in history, a proper home-going? Will there not be ample time after his passing to tell their side of the story, or hawk their latest album, or get the story they’re looking for?

Can we not for a moment, stop and self-police and recognize that Michael was not a cartoon character, a sitcom character, a reality TV star or a soap opera actor. He was not a freak, a weirdo or a wacko. When the cameras were off, he still lived, breathed, cried and processed hurt, pain, highs and lows like everyone else. He was a human being with emotions that people apparently couldn't care less about while he was living. Redeem yourselves, even if temporary, and resist the urge to “do your job,” until he has been laid to rest.

Rest in peace in Michael. Your music will continue to live on. But most importantly, your spirit of kindness, giving and sincerity has not been lost.

Love, peace and sunshine.

Remembering the 'King of Pop'

2009-06-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

May he rest in peace.

Soundtrack of my life

2009-06-05T10:40:00.000-07:00

I've had this thought for quite some time, years actually; the thought that the music that I listen to really is an expression of how I am feeling. As artists write songs that are possibly indicative of events in their lives, I listen to music that have lyrics that really speak to me. I have often thought that for any given period of time in my life, I could probably compile a list of songs that are metaphoric of the soundtrack of my life.

Well, over the last year, I have been "Under Pressure" (Queen). From dealing with dynamics at work, buying a home (to which I am excited that now I am a homeowner), managing finances, and just living life. I had a long term relationship hurtfully come to an end. So, I've been patiently awaiting my time to feel free to "Exhale" (Whitney Houston). The tears came, and at one point, I just said, I need to "Let It Flow" (Toni Braxton) and let it go. I questioned how someone could be so "Heartless" (Kanye West). I even wanted to "Bust [the] Windows" (Jazmine Sullivan) out his car. I didn’t do it though. That's not me. I'm too much of a chicken anyway. Plus it really wasn't worth my car insurance increasing! But I felt Jazmine nonetheless.

I then needed to move into a more positive place, which meant, I needed to get to "The Heart of the Matter" (India Arie) and move to a place of forgiveness. There was no need to have all the hostility eating me up inside. Life is about more. So, I needed to go ahead and "Praise [God] in Advance" (Marvin Sapp) because HE was transitioning me to a new, elevated place in my life. As Marvin Sapp says, I started singing, clapping, dancing and people probably thought I was crazy, but I knew God would deliver me.

I finally realized that "A New Day Has Come" (Celine Dion). I now feel as though I'm "On the Ocean" (K'Jon) because I feel as though my ship is finally coming in.

My iPod is an eclectic mix of music. These experiences have made me wiser, more mature, more confident and more in tune with my intuitions. I thank God for each. So let's have a "Celebration" (Kool & The Gang). Come on! I can now turn 30 and begin a new chapter of my life with a new outlook and peace of mind to know that happiness is not an anomaly. It's an everyday possibility. Life's Grand! and is a happy place. Family, friends and companions are loved ones that have always been more fulfilling to me than anything money could ever buy.

I'm "Overjoyed" (Stevie Wonder) and the love just keeps coming! Thank you to the musical artists who capture the essence of the lives we live and the experiences we encounter.

What's your life's soundtrack? Sing your song!

Peace, Love and Sunshine! :)

Girl talk: When should we sever financial ties with family?

2009-06-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with a friend the other day who was upset with her husband for suggesting that his brother come to stay with them for a while. It wasn’t a visit.

Her brother-in-law found it difficult to keep a steady job, often moved from home-to-home within the family and was released from his most recent job due to a ‘bad attitude’ (whatever that means).

Then she added that her husband has always put money aside from the household income to give to his brother (and other family members), and she has always disliked that.

So my friend – fed up with this ongoing helping hand that her husband has given to his family during the six years that they’ve been married - gave her husband an ultimatum. She told him that she was filing for divorce if he allowed his brother to move in with them.

Whoa!

Is she wrong for this ultimatum or is her husband wrong to ever let it get to this point? How much financial help should we offer family members outside of our primary home?

I Hate Prop. 8, too (two)

2009-05-30T01:29:00.000-07:00

Amen, Tamika. I hate it, too. I've been writing about it all. bloody. week. for The Advocate. And I still hate it. I marched with 5000 in West Hollywood and hate it even more. I want to get married someday just like my neighbors, a couple who have been together for 30 years, did last September. They decided to move to New York the day after Prop. 8 passed.

I have no doubt California (and the United States) will legalize same-sex marriage eventually, but can we just hurry it up and get with the program? We'll keep fighting, but it gets exhausting having to fight just for love and few basic rights. It should be such a non-issue. Black people can marry White people. Duh. I can (someday) marry my girlfriend, whose eyes are the only ones that really see me. Duh. My rainbow flag is starting to fade a little with all the sun it's been getting lately. Iowa, Spain and South Africa sure got the memo. I will be so happy when 30 years from now my future kids think this whole fight was completely ludicrous. Until then, love is love.

I hate Prop. 8

2009-05-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

I hate it, hate it, hate it that the California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8 - the voter-approved ban on same-sex marriages. I think it's absurd. Just absurd. But what to do? Onward and upward.

Long shot to block Sotomayor

2009-05-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

Critics have raised questions about President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor stemming from her (unscripted yet videotaped) statement that “Court of Appeals is where policy is made” and a 2001 speech in which she stated “I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life.”

Even with those and other critiques, blocking her confirmation will be a long shot.

Anyway, we found this biographical sketch of Judge Sotomayor produced by the Law School Admission Council. Check it out.

Eye on Entertainment: Seeking the family of Exodus

2009-05-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

After learning of the death of Mike Tyson’s four-year-old daughter, Exodus, after a freak accident at the family’s home in Phoenix, I became angry when I read the family’s statement in which they (like so many other celebrity families) asked for privacy.

I became angry because a grieving family should not have to ask for privacy.

Mike Tyson has just lost his child. Why would he or his family be expected to comment on this to the press, to the public? Public statements during difficult times are common. Time and time again famous families are sought out during their grief and asked for a statement. We’ve come to expect it. But why?

Why can’t the press and tabloids back up and let Tyson bury his daughter in peace? Have we become so cold that we can’t allow a family to grieve without trying to snap a photo or get a comment?

My heart goes out to the family.

Eye on Entertainment: Jon & Kate plus rumors equals ratings

2009-05-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you’ve heard about the scandal surrounding Jon & Kate Gosselin – the parents of twins and sextuplets and the stars of TLC’s “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” I’m talking about the rumors of their alleged extramarital affairs.

Season 5 premieres tonight after an all-day marathon of shows from the previous seasons.

I wonder what the ratings for tonight’s show will look like now that they've been featured on tabloid covers and gossip sites. And why do people like this kind of stuff? Do we like the fact that this marriage may be in trouble? Does the possible break-up of two people who are having everyday problems make us want to watch more and read more into their personal lives?

Bottom line is that every marriage has problems. No marriage is perfect. True, infidelity is not healthy in any relationship, but it happens. And airing the fallout on television only helps the television network and gossip magazines.

If Jon and Kate are, in fact, having problems, maybe they should turn off the cameras. And maybe everyone else should step back and let them deal with it privately. Can they convince viewers tonight that they are okay? And, if so, who cares?

What's the Rush?

2009-05-24T05:38:00.000-07:00

I’ve never really been a religious person. Meaning when I became a teenager and no longer needed to follow every expectation my parents had of me, I never made it a habit to go to church. It’s a shame really because in retrospect there are a lot of scriptures and such that no doubt would’ve helped me in the growing-up process. Except, like most children, growing up seemed to happen overnight. I had to get into a good high school, then a good college and then the best grad program. And I had to do it quickly before hitting 25.

So needless to say, I’ve never really been a patient person. And I don’t think any of us are truly patient. Reality shows like “The Biggest Loser” show how enormous people can lose weight in 3 months when it takes the average person with the average trainer years to accomplish. People meet on “The Bachelor” and get married by the end of the season. When did reality shows make it big? I want to say at least 7 years ago. And 7 years before that the internet hit it big. We’re all racing to get what we want faster, but none of us really know how to hold on to things that we claim are dear to us. I wonder how many people get fat again after losing all that weight. I wonder if the divorce rate will keep climbing in this country. Perhaps if we were more patient in achieving our goals, we wouldn’t be in danger of losing them so quickly after obtaining them.

Patience truly is a virtue that we’re all losing. If you read internet dating stories online, people have gone through horrifying and even dangerous experiences just for the off-chance of finding that one true love. Now, I can’t really diss online dating without trying it.

So I did.

I joined match.com to see what it was like. Curiosity was the reason, but from now on to save face, I’ll say it was research. The pool of women (as it always is) is much better to choose from than the pool of men. Yes, I checked out the women’s profiles too. Some chicks were so awesome I nearly emailed them to ask if they wanted to get drinks so I’d have a buddy to go bar-hopping with, but of course, I didn’t because I didn’t want to seem like a lunatic. The men: mostly older, most likely married. A good percentage are just there to date as many girls as they can, which honestly is fine because you’re suppose to go through a lot of relationships to understand what it is you truly want in a mate.

Others know exactly what they want. One man’s profile read like this: “I own the Upper East Side. I don’t go to bars or clubs and rather hang out at the high-end bars in my neighborhood. I’m looking for a woman who is beautiful and strong, but will give up her career when we have children like my mom did. I’m being truthful here. There’s a lot of money involved.”

Sorry, I did read the rest of it, but I was interrupted by projectile vomiting. I honestly would’ve been interested. What girl can resist a Chuck Bass? But he wasn’t even hot. And yes, that brings us to another point. Pictures are everything in online dating. And why shouldn’t we be shallow? We’re not drunk at our computers looking and reading these profiles. So we’re allowed to be a little more picky than we would be if we were at a bar. But then you run the risk of meeting up with the guy and finding out he used pictures from college and he’s really a man with sagging wrinkles and a pot belly. Who’s married with three children from 8 different marriages.

But I honestly can’t be too hard on the men on these sites. One story from Kieran who lives in the UK can tell you just how crazy women can be as well. He was talking with a woman from Boston through IM and emails. He fell in love, albeit through his computer, and she convinced him to come visit her for two weeks. He did. Upon landing, he said “she wasn't at all like I imagined. She had short greasy hair, and she didn't even bother to dress up or anything. She wore ripped dirty safari shorts and a t-shirt that was egg-stained and ripped. I tried to look past these points and convinced myself that she didn't have time to get dressed up or anything.”

Long story short, after a couple of days with her, she left a note on the counter telling Kieran to leave or she’d call the police. Then next to that note there was another note saying she was HIV positive and was putting blood in the milk and food he was eating. After 3 months of testing, he was fine. He married someone he met in the UK. Not through the internet.

You can see all these horrific stories online. And many of them, as can be expected, are from women. And a good majority – at least from the ones I’ve read – start out with, “I had my doubts, but went out with him anyway,” or “I thought I’d give him a second chance and go out on another date.” Seriously, girls, why bother? Are you that desperate that you’re willing to put up with someone you just met because he agreed to take you out? That’s so sad. It makes me fear what future lies ahead for me.

And out of those millions of stories, I have to say, there are many people who fell in love with someone they met online and are living happily ever after. So I guess online dating can’t be that bad. It’s just another option in that long journey we’re all forced to take to find that special someone.

But it really is all about patience. I have to say things I really don’t care about happen to just fall in my lap. While things that I really want seem so far away and get harder to grasp the longer I chase it.

How screwed up is that?

CBC members are (for the most part) fasting for Darfur

2009-05-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

Members of the Congressional Black Caucus say they want President Obama to make the crisis in Darfur a top priority, and to show that they mean business they are fasting for the cause.

Well, the fast will be limited. On a rotating basis, that is. Actually, each person will fast for up to a few days at a time. And just through Congress’ adjournment in August.

Way to be tough. Yep. That should do it.

If you want to fast for Darfur, and for longer than a few days, go to Darfur Fast For Life.

Stop wasting your damn money!

2009-05-13T16:13:00.000-07:00

If I watch one more co-worker walk into this office with a $5 latte I am going to scream. I don’t care if they purchased the smaller size and it really cost $3.

We are in a recession. Don’t you think it’s time that we get wise about our money?

Consider these tips and keep some change in your pockets, please!

Buy a reusable water bottle and fill it with filtered water. Hell. Buy five reusable water bottles, fill them with filtered water and grab one each morning when you head to the office. While you’re at it, brew your own coffee and steep your own tea. You can use a travel mug. And you shouldn’t even be drinking carbonated soft drinks, so that takes care of the beverages.

Entertain yourself for free with your library card and the Internet. There are web sites that offer films, documentaries and television shows for free (get it while it lasts). There’s SnagFilms, Hulu, Joost (to name a few), and many of your favorite network shows will have full episodes on their web sites of all the shows that you missed while you were wasting your money on that latte. And since we’re heading into summer, look for (free) theater or concerts in the park.

Re-gift with pride. You can always give a book without ever feeling guilty that it's used, because it's new to the recipient. Just make sure that the pages are not filled with highlighting, that every other word isn’t underlined and that the margins are not decorated with your thoughts.

Skip the valet. Not only will you save money by actually parking your car yourself, you will also get some exercise.

Cook. Buy real food at a store or farmers market, bring it home and cook it. If you’re feeling really ambitious, plant some food.

What are your money-saving tips? Share them here.

The White House's First Poetry Jam

2009-05-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

(AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

Tonight, the Obamas hosted a poetry jam at the White House. It was a small event, but carries a lot of weight considering the unprecedentedly diverse group of artists and performers. The event included Hawaiian, Puerto Rican, Jewish and African American writers.

“We’re here to celebrate the power of words and music to help us appreciate beauty and also to understand pain,’’ the president told the crowd.

Mayda del Valle, a 30-year-old poet from Chicago who performed, told the New York Times:

“To be able to go in the White House and to represent my grandmother and my ancestors, it really means a lot. It’s a generation of women that don’t often get heard, you know, these old Puerto Rican women that no one ever really thinks about. To be able to use my voice to represent them on this kind of platform is really powerful.”

Another favorite quote from the article: Desiree Rogers, the White House social secretary (and fellow Wellesley alum, I might ad):

“Our goal really is to bring the house alive,’’ said Rogers. “We’re all American, but all of us come from different backgrounds. We want to expose Americans to other Americans that are doing brilliant work.’’

So simple, but so refreshing.

Mother's Day Follow-up

2009-05-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

I was a good sport. I did the overpriced brunch thing, wrapped up some chocolates in a box, bought a cheesy card that cost the same as a Subway sandwich (6 inch). It was fine. But my mom managed to validate my Hallmark holiday cynicism.

My mom is a sucker for saccharine, gaudy cards - the more glittery flowers, the more layers of blank pages, the better. But I don't think she ever really reads the most important part - my personal message. Sunday proved my suspicion. I put my mom to the test.

In her card, I wrote a message in swirly, small handwriting that looked like it could have been words, but the whole thing was actually gibberish. She opened the card, closed it and said, "That's so sweet, honey. Thanks." I said, "Did you read my message?" She said, "I did. Quickly." She opened it again to redeem herself. I watched her squint, sweat, bring it closer to her face. 5 minutes later, she was still at it, grimacing.

I finally put her out of her misery and told her my message did not say anything. It didn't go over that well. She chuckled and rolled her eyes and continued to eat her $40 omelette.

Iran frees Roxana Saberi

2009-05-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

A key piece of evidence brought about her conviction on espionage charges. Roxana Saberi possessed a copy of a classified report by the Iranian government report about the United States war in Iraq. The prosecutors accused Saberi of passing the document on to American officials.

But a letter from President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asking for a careful review of Saberi's case, apparently, influenced her release.

Saberi is free now and will, most likely, leave Iran within a few days. The court reduced her sentence from 8 years in prison to a suspended two-year term and banned her from practicing journalism in Iran for 5 years.

The move to release Saberi may help the Obama administration's efforts to improve relations with Iran. Obama welcomed the decision as a "humanitarian gesture."

"I'm very happy to be released and to be with my father and mother again," Saberi told reporters in Tehran. "I'm thanking all those people around the world who knew me or who didn't know me but helped my release. Right now I just want to be with my parents and my friends and to relax," Saberi said.

The Committee to Protect Journalists, though "thrilled" by Saberi's release, offered a swift reminder: "Several Iranian journalists remain jailed today. We urge they be given the same opportunity for judicial review."

Mama gets no paid leave

2009-05-08T18:39:00.000-07:00

The Economic Policy Institute says that compared to countries with similar per capita income, the United States provides the fewest mandated maternity leave benefits in both length of leave and amount of paid time off.

What is wrong with us?

Anyway, have a Happy Mother’s Day.

Only one day?

2009-05-08T07:51:00.000-07:00

Wow. A whole day for myself. After enduring hours of labor to give birth to three kids, I get a whole day. Let's see, what can I do in one whole day?

Maybe I can make up for the many nights I lost sleep from a sick or feverish child. Maybe I can find a quiet room and reflect on the many days that I just wanted to be left alone only to have the word 'MOMMY!' screamed at me repeatedly. Maybe I can go out to dinner and enjoy myself instead of cooking a big meal and hearing my favorite words - "I don't want this!"

Oh, don't get me wrong. Motherhood is a wonderful experience. A child's first words, first steps, birthdays, graduations. Just seeing your child's beautiful smile can brighten your whole day!

I understand now what my own mother felt. I too have shared in the joys and pains of motherhood. I will enjoy this day and be thankful that God has blessed me with children of my own. I wouldn't have it any other way. But I will also take full advantage of this day, because I know the next day is certainly not Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day! Stay sane.

Another childless Mother's Day

2009-05-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning, my eggs were angry with me. They wanted to know why I was about to celebrate yet another Mother’s Day without a child of my own.

“Tamika. Tamika. Tamika,” my eggs lectured. “We are not getting any younger. What are you waiting for? If you’re going to hold out much longer, then you might as well just freeze us now!”

I’ve been married nearly 8 years. So my eggs do not care that I am growing in my career and am waiting for the perfect house in the perfect school district. And my eggs have no clue that I am terrified of being torn asunder (ring of fire, anyone?).

My eggs’ best friend, my ob-gyn, has added his two cents to my ongoing childlessness during every annual visit since I was 27.

“Do you realize that your fertility is now on the decline,” he asked. “You don’t want to wait too long. You might want to start thinking about when you want to have that baby.”

I might want to START thinking about it? That’s ALL I think about! And that’s all it seems anyone asks me about.

“So, when are you having kids?”

“When are you having a baby?”

“When are you starting a family?”

“So, when will we hear the pitter-patter of little feet?”

“Any plans to build a nursery in that other bedroom?”

And my all-time favorite: “What are you waiting for?”

I don’t know what I’m waiting for actually. Nothing will ever be perfect. Not the career. Not the house. Not the marriage. Not the school district.

Maybe I’m just waiting until I’m okay with not being in control of my life and my body (not that I ever have been in control, but I like to pretend).

Maybe I’m waiting until the thought of surrendering my body to childbirth and surrendering (some parts of) my future to motherhood doesn’t make me hyperventilate.

Maybe I’m waiting for my eggs and my ob-gyn to shut up.

I love you because Hallmark says so

2009-05-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

I deeply resent Hallmark holidays. Maybe it's because I am not a mother or a father or in the first year of a relationship, but based on a basic cost-benefit analysis, I believe Hallmark holidays cause more pain than joy.

Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Valentine's Day do a better job of reminding people of death, loss, and resentment than they do of celebrating loved ones. For those who have lost a parent or lover, or who hate a parent or lover, these invented holidays are like pouring alcohol on an open wound, often treated with alcohol down the throat.

And for those who are lucky enough to have a parent or lover worth celebrating, these invented holidays are about jacking up the price of brunch menus and spending $4.99 on a folded piece of paper with a message inside that is slightly off in sentiment.

As for Mother's Day, I am lucky enough to have a mom who is worth every penny and moment of celebration. But I try to appreciate her every day - I don't need Hallmark to force me to say I love you, while motherless, oedipus complexed people drown themselves in their sorrows.

Maybe I will feel differently once I am a mom. Maybe I will need one special day that forces my family to spend $40 on eggs and give me a sappy card that rhymes. But for now, I am still a cynical, childless brat who is more concerned with the injustices of the world. Happy Mother's Day!