Hobo Mama

Getting used to having kids

2012-02-09T05:00:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the first Family Size Blog Carnival!

This post was written for inclusion in the Family Size Blog Carnival hosted by Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling and Patti at Jazzy Mama. Today our participants share their decisions on family size and whether or not to grow their families. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

When Sam and I married at 22, we said, "Probably one kid, maybe two, in three to five years."

Honeymoon self-portrait

Three years passed in a flash. "Ha ha ha," we laughed at the notion of having kids yet, "we're still newlyweds."

One of my favoritest pictures of us, in our usual habit of enjoying children's museums sans children. Clearly we were not mature enough to reproduce.

At five years, we were moving across country and starting new adventures. "Not yet," we said, "too uprooted."

Moving crates.

At six years, we wanted to start, finally, but we were in financial turmoil, starting a new business, trying to keep our heads above water. We could consign ourselves to two meals of Ramen a day, but did we really want to bring a child into this uncertain life?

So we tried out our niece instead.

At seven years, we felt confident enough to try anyway. And we failed. I met my thirtieth birthday still bleeding from the miscarriage, uncertain when expanding our family would truly begin.

I call this my album cover photo.

The next year we had Mikko, and he blew our world apart. Thank goodness for attachment parenting, because it made us feel reassured when the only thing we could do to keep him relatively calm during those early months was to hold him, nurse, and bounce bounce bounce — constantly.

Surprised they're letting us leave the hospital without a parenting license.

Even as he grew out of his earliest grumpiness, Sam and I were exhausted and worn — exhilarated, in love, yes, but also feeling that our lives had been decimated. Our plans of "probably one, maybe two" children veered sharply toward "one."

There's no crying in baseball.

We tried to keep in touch with friends, but they seemed busy with other things. We tried to meet some fellow parents, but they were distant. Our families were nowhere near. We felt alone and overwhelmed, wondering frequently how anyone raises a child, ever, in this cold Western world. We had to begin working again at our home business soon after Mikko's birth, and we tried to add back in some of our former hobbies and passions as well as add some new ones (this blog, for one!). It was hard just to survive, let alone imagine adding another person to our family.

In fact, for the first couple years of Mikko's life, whenever I saw a newborn, my initial reaction was to shudder. I kid you not.

Things got better as Mikko got older and more responsive. I loved baby signing with him, because from eleven months on, we finally knew some of what he was thinking, and it was fascinating. He began to speak around eighteen months and, as they say, he hasn't stopped since!

Why didn't anyone tell us he was huge?

By the time he turned three, Sam and I felt more like we were finally cruising as a family again. We'd crafted some schedules that worked for us (I call them "schedules," but we're actually horrible at keeping to anything rigid, so think of it more as guidelines for how to spend our time), and we were truly enjoying Mikko. He was still high-drama in his own way, but it was, for us, a more manageable drama. We hadn't considered ourselves "baby" people, and this preschool stuff was kind of fun. Mikko was bright, engaging, and caring, and peering into the workings of his brain was intriguing. Plus, he had been potty independent for a year now, was sleeping through the night (yes, it took awhile), and all signs pointed toward asking The Question: Did we want another?

Turning on the charm.

We began to talk about it. I was ready earlier than Sam, but I knew better than to push my agenda. When it comes to family size, I firmly believe both partners should be on the same page, if at all possible. I waited, and he initiated the conversations, finally setting a deadline, or more a starting line: January 2011.

We jumped the gun and got pregnant in the fall of 2010. Once we'd started talking about it, we just couldn't wait to go ahead!

Our sweet Alrik was born in May 2011, and our experience with his babyhood is 180 degrees from where we were with Mikko. I really don't know what's more to credit this change to: Is it Alrik's mellower personality? Or is it our own attitude shift?

The brothers fall in love.

While I was still pregnant with Alrik, our "probably one, maybe two" morphed into "maybe three." On the endorphin cloud following his birth, we were high fiving each other and saying, "Whee! Let's have four!"

I talk often with parents who feel the way I felt when Mikko was a baby, and I always want to assure them: You are not alone. It's all right not to feel blissed out as a parent. Not everyone does, for a variety of reasons, and it doesn't make you a bad person or a bad parent. It's hard to parent, and it's especially hard to go from not being a parent at all to being a parent of a high-needs baby. It turns your world upside down and yourself inside-out. That's uncomfortable!

And now that I'm on the "Woohoo, babies are awesome!" train, I'm not here to tell those parents: You need to have more children. That's their choice, and I understand their hesitation. It's totally up to every family to decide the sizing and the timing, as far as it's within their power (and I know, all too often, that control is taken out of our hands in sometimes haunting ways). Maybe we would be feeling differently right now if Alrik had been just as high-needs as Mikko, or if Alrik had come first, and now we were adding a high-needs baby to our established, mellow family. Maybe we would be more or less willing to add to our family if our kids had been spaced closer together or farther apart than the four years that separates them.

There are times when we regret having waited so long to add Alrik to our family. It's lovely to have Mikko be four and rather independent. I think it cuts down on their rivalries with each other (so far, and as Sam and I remember from our own childhoods as being approximately much younger than our older brothers), because each child is in such a different place. We knew, though, that if we'd waited any longer, we might not have had a second at all, because it's kind of nice, with just a preschooler, not to have to worry about diapers and starting solids and night nursing and such. We had to thread the needle of the moment when the idea of beginning that all over again excited us without discouraging us. Seeing Mikko love on Alrik, and Alrik give him back his drooly, toothless grins and belly laughs, makes me wish sometimes they were closer in age so that they could play together more as Alrik gets older. But I know that wouldn't have been a guarantee, anyway.

As far as adding again to our family goes, I put my maternity clothes, newborn diapers, and birth supplies into storage instead of giving them away as I'd planned. I'm feeling a little pressure from a few unfortunate aspects but also feel that we'll figure it out one way or another:

Age: I'm 35 (and a half, honesty forces me to say), and Sam is 36. I have close relatives who had children into their 40s, and my little brother was born when my mom was in her late 30s. However, I know the risk of complications and infertility go up as Sam and I get older, so our gestational days are limited. I also found this last pregnancy to be pretty rough on my body and don't know how that will progress. I'm open to exploring adoption or fostering, but Sam's hesitant, and I do understand his concerns in those areas as well.

And then these next could all go under the heading of "Resources," but I'll separate them out to look at each separately.

Time: There are two of us parenting partners. We love to be heavily involved in our children's lives, and we also have work obligations as well as other pursuits (such as vegging on the couch — someone needs to do it). I don't want to wear ourselves too thin.
Space: We live in a smallish 2-bedroom condo. Selling it in this market would be grim; buying something bigger would be nearly impossible. The thought of moving from our primo location makes my heart ache. I'd rather downsize our stuff so we fit better in this space than leave it, but is that possible (for us)? And with more kids, how much less possible does that become? For adoption and fostering, for sure, our current space would be deemed inadequate, which makes me sad. Our car, too, barely fits two car seats. But we love it. Sam has an aversion to minivans, and we both have an aversion to SUVs. Maybe we'll take the bus more? With three kids? Umm…
Money: This goes with the above. We were just trying to figure out a budget for 2012 and realized we're hopeless at managing our money beyond spending what we have. (We typically don't go into debt, which at least is nice.) Having a baby, either time, has not proven financially stressful for us, but we find ourselves spending more and more as we unschool Mikko, because we're out and about every day. We have a couple far-flung trips on the horizon that we're now realizing we might have to cancel, just because of the cost of transporting four of us anywhere. If we add another child, we'll necessarily need to spend less on each child.

I need to put a great big #firstworldproblems disclaimer at the end of this, and also say sorry to wave the flag of my middle-class privilege in everyone's face. I know we could make things work if we have more kids, and I appreciate the stories of people who, for whatever reason, do have a lot of kids even though they're short on resources, and yet thrive. I've never been one to suggest a family should stop having kids even though they're short on funds or space, because I believe the two aspects of life shouldn't be at odds with each other. There should be no threshold of permission for bringing children into your life. It's just, with Sam and me and our rationality, we do like to mull these things over and try to gauge what will work best for our family, our marriage, our stress levels, and our vision of what our life should be.

A huge part of why I feel more comfortable with the idea of kids now is that I finally, finally have that community I craved for for so long. It's shocking just how hard it is to parent in isolation, and how much difference it makes to have people looking out for you and carrying you along. That's another reason I would never tell someone else, You have too few or too many kids. So much depends on who's coming alongside you to help with the raising, as I believe we as humans were meant to coexist.

So that's where we're at for now. I've always been fascinated by large families but never thought we'd be one. It will be interesting to see how this all shapes out and what size our family settles out to be. For now, I'm loving the kids I have, and we're still figuring out the new routines that work for the four of us.

And I'm biding my time until Sam sparks that next conversation…

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Visit City Kids Homeschooling and Jazzy Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Family Size Blog Carnival!

Please take some time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants below:

The Perfect Family The family at Living Peacefully With Children isn't perfect, but the size is just right for them...at least for now.
Family Size Carnival Zoie at TouchstoneZ discusses how she loves the extremes of being happily child-free for life to being a mom of several. And on knowing when her family is just the right size.
Is Adoption for Me? Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares why she would consider adoption as the socially responsible way to have a large family.
Getting Used to Having Kids Lauren at Hobo Mama went from "probably one, maybe two" to wanting a handful, but not without some major struggles and soul searching along the way.
Magic Number For a while, Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales has wondered what the magic number will be for their family, but now thinks she's finally settled on an answer.
How Did You Get That Size Jorje explains how she "chose" her family size and why they aren't planning to grow again on Momma Jorje.com.
Family Size On A Per Kid Basis Sarah at Parenting God's Children shares how plans change as families grow.
More Babies: How, When, Why Joella at Fine and Fair writes to her daughter about when, how, and why she might get a sibling.
Family Size Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares how she has no idea what size her family will end up being; though she used to be sure, a few factors have recently come up to change everything.
Thy Will Be Done CatholicMommy hasn't decided how many children she'll have. And she never will. Because, you know, she's Catholic.
Sanity and Health Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment talks about sanity and health considerations when deciding on her family's size.
Love Comes In All Sizes Melissa at White Noise and Mothers of Change shares her family's journey to becoming a family of six!
Family Size Liz at Homeschooling in Buffalo discusses how this carnival occurs less than two weeks after "closing up shop" by way of vasectomy.
Family Size Blog Carnival Billy, a single mother by choice, writes about the size of her family at My Pathway to Motherhood.
Creating Your Perfect Family Size Dr. Alan Singer shares insights from his new book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size.
Our Family Size You might not be surprised to learn that Patti at Jazzy Mama can't find any reasons NOT to have more babies.
Economics of Family Size Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling uses an economic cost-benefit analysis to determine her family's optimal size.

Wordless Wednesday: Mirror, mirror

2012-02-08T01:24:00.000-08:00

This next one has nothing to do with the theme,
but how can I resist posting both my sweeties?

Here, I'll make it fit tangentially to the mirror theme: I was trying to take more of an effort, fashion-wise, and asked Sam to take some model-worthy photos of me. Naturally, Mikko had to photo bomb!

Would any of you be interested in a fashion challenge for fashion-challenged parents?
I could use the inspiration, I know!

You'll also love this week's photos on the topic of Partnership Parenting over at Natural Parents Network! You can see my other other sweetie up a tree!

Find sites to link up your Wordless Wednesday post
at my super-cool collection of Wordless Wednesday linkies,
and let me know if you have one to add.
You can also link up a thumbnail from your post below!

On the bookshelf: A baby's selection

2012-02-06T13:22:00.000-08:00

So the babies and younger toddlers don't feel left out after I gave my book recommendations for older toddlers and preschoolers, here's what I'm reading to baby Alrik right now:

Peek-A Who?

Nina Laden (Author)

This is a fun board book with cut-out holes that takes you on a rhyming guessing game. As you can see from the cover, the usual "Peek-a-boo" is substituted first by "Peek-a-who/hoo" for an owl peeking through. As you turn each page, you discover another rhyme and another surprise popping through the cut-out, such as Peek-a-Zoo, Peek-a-Choo Choo. I have to say, Mikko adores this book even more than Alrik at this point. I like how the cut-outs give little ones something tactile to handle as you read, and the very last page, Peek-a-YOU, is a mirror, which always brings a smile.

I Love You Because You're You

Liza Baker (Author)

This is a heartwarming board book that spells out unconditional parental love. We got this book for Christmas from my mom, and it made me feel all squishy inside to imagine that she was reading it to me while I was reading it to my kids. The text follows a fox mama and cub throughout all the many moods of the young one, reiterating each time, "I love you when you're [adjective]," such as:

I love you when you're bashful and hide behind my knee.

I love you when you're brave and from my arms you flee.

No matter what the pup does (even if he's tangling her knitting or being wild or silly or angry), the same text resounds: "I love you." Ok, I'm seriously tearing up while writing this.

The rhyming can be a little clunky at times (the above quote is a good example, with the inverted "from my arms you flee" to make the rhyme), but Mikko doesn't notice, and Alrik certainly doesn't.

I also like that this type of board book has the softer, squishy (but still paper) cover, which again gives little kids something tactile to enjoy and won't be as abrasive against their mouths if they gum the book. I'm not sure if that's the same kind at Amazon (I imagine so) and the library (possibly not), but if you check it out in a bookstore, you'll see what I mean. It's kind of padded.

Moo, Baa, La La La!

Sandra Boynton (Author)

A baby we used to babysit for loved this book and memorized the "la la la" part with us, which charmed us no end. I knew we needed a copy when we had our own babies. This is just a simple animal-sounds book but with Sandra Boynton's characteristic quirkiness. The "la la la" is what three singing pigs say, until the text corrects the overenthusiastic narrator and points out that all they really say is "oink."

As a side note, I love using this book to teach animal signs. They're an easy and fun lot to memorize, and then you can spice up your telling by using the signs with your baby. (If you need a brush-up on your sign language, here's a book to get you started with animal signs in American Sign Language. The Amazon description says it's British Sign Language, but the signs clearly are ASL, and the back of the book says the same, so I think there must have been two versions. To pick up leftovers, try Signing Savvy or ASL Browser's online dictionaries. Yes, you will need to know rhinoceros.)

Toes, Ears, & Nose! A Lift-the-Flap Book

Marion Dane Bauer (Author), Karen Katz (Illustrator)

I love lift-the-flap books. Yes, you have to be a little careful around babies if you don't want any of the flaps to be ripped right off, but it's such a fun surprise to see what's underneath. This one is a guessing game of body parts and includes some more unlikely terms, like knees and elbows. It also shows a rainbow of skin tones.

This can be a fun makeshift bilingual book, to teach signs for body parts or to incorporate those words from another language you and your child speak (or wish to speak).

Touch and Feel: Farm

DK Publishing

I love having touch-and-feel books around for babies. Can you tell I like the tactile properties of books? We have this one, though they've changed the cover, along with some others.

I like how this farm one presents a good selection of different textures in large swaths for babies to grab on to. One of the sheep is covered with woolliness; the chick is a soft fluff; the dog's tummy is long fur. (Of course, these are all synthetic materials.)

Are you tired of hearing me say that you can also use it to teach animal signs or the names of animals in a different language? Well, you can.

Mama and Baby! (Indestructibles)

Kaaren Pixton (Author)

This one's just in the realm of possibility — I saw these at our local kids' store and was intrigued. The book is printed on the type of sturdy paper used to make shipping envelopes (like the U.S. Priority Mail ones). They're called Indestructibles, because they're unrippable and babies purportedly can safely chew and mangle them with no lasting damage. I've been wanting to get my own grabby little paws on one.

Has anyone tried them out who could offer a title recommendation? Other titles in the series include Flutter! Fly! about things with wings, Wiggle! March! about plodding creatures, and Creep! Crawl! about, naturally, creepy-crawlies.

I don't know if this is a plus or minus, but the Indestructibles books I mentioned, as far as I can tell, have no words at all. I guess that means they're more for looking at than for reading. The good news is, once again, you can use any language or words to talk with your little one about the pictures.

What good books does your baby like to gnaw on (and/or read)?