Hello, my name is Jessica

Pick-up lines from the Fresh Prince

2012-02-09T11:01:00.000-08:00

So after being completely deceived by Will Smith's Twitter account thinking he was this wonderful mythical-man creature soliciting advice that only great lords of the 17th century wrote in their leather bound books, sad face, I got over the fact that I was deceived by his un-verified account and decided to give you the following video, which is just as good if you ask me.

Just for fun.

The anti-Valentine's Day survival guide

2012-02-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

Hey girl HEY!

Guess what time it almost is? Valentine's Day! Exciting, I know.

This isn't a guide for couples or lovers with crushes because honestly, why do you people need guides on how to survive Valentine's Day? Greedy.

So if you're alone, not working, don't have class, or stuck babysitting your best friend’s cats/dog/fish/child while she/he is out with her gf/bf/wife/husband/mistress/craigslist encounter, here are ways to survive without wanting off yourself:

1. Get a glass and fill it with one part cranberry juice and three parts vodka. What? It will take your pain, err, neck pain away.

2. For the month of February, Time Warner is offering eight Ryan Gosling flicks on On Demand. So if you're babysitting cats or something, order the movies and just tell the owner of the house you think her husband has a fetish if she asks.

3. Pull out some old yearbooks and slash the photos of all the jerks that turned you down in high school. Then look them up on Facebook and see how many got knocked up out of wed lock and/or fat. You will feel so much better.

4. Go to See's Candies and walk in the store several times throughout the night to collect free samples, but when they ask if you'd like to buy anything, act appalled and shout, "A lady never buys her own chocolate, rude!" Just remember to bring a hat and/or a wig to mix up your look.

6. Call in sick to work the next morning because you're "sick in love." Cough, cough. Then print out the Wikipedia page on being sick in love as your doctor’s note.

7. If you're feeling really revengeful, respond to a bunch of Missed Connections on Craigslist. But don't actually respond.

8. Do nothing: sit on your couch and watch reruns of Dawson's Creek in your sweats. Just because it's Valentine’s Day doesn't mean you have to observe it. You didn't take the day off or make reservations at the swankiest restaurant in town on Extraterrestrial Visitor Day, which by the way was February 9. Not everything has to be observed.

9. It is Black History Month, not hearts, chocolate and flower, month, so do something for that. Goodness.

Six guys you don't want to commit to

2012-02-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life, we fall for the types of guys who we really shouldn't fall for: guys who are anti-relationship, serial cheaters, the keg stand king, etc. And then when they hurt us we sit on the computer blogging about it asking "Whyyyy???!!" and reading our horoscope searching for an answer. Don't lie.

Even though we discover their personality as we fall for them, we want still them to commit to us. Why? Because we're human and humans do things that don't make sense like leaving a sip of O.J. in the carton when we could have poured it into our glass or thrown it out.

So ladies, here's a list of men you don't really want to commit to, even though you think do because they have cute dimples or something:

1. The horny ladies man: This guy hits on everything with boobs; you already know this because he hit on you, right? He's not good at committing because he's still in that college, ya-ya-phase where girls are like toys and every time he sees a new one, he wants to put his grubby man-paws all over it. Take it from someone who saw someone she dated recently tweet "it's so hard to pick up chicks on Twitter." Yeah, about that. You don't really want that type of guy on your resume.

2. The broken heart: He's not healed, he's still into his ex and even though he occasionally calls her a bitch, he definitely still wonders if she's dating anyone. You guys may have chemistry and he may flirt with you, but back off and let him heal because until he does, he most likely won't open up to you in fear of getting hurt again.

3. The financially unstable guy: Most guys (who are decent, upstanding human beings) who aren't financially stable aren't comfortable asking a girl out, taking her out or pursuing her. Why? Because no girl wants to have a first date at KFC, and he knows that. Some guys feel that money issues are a huge issue in dating and won't date you because of it. He's not going to be "in it" until he's comfortable.

4. Mr. Stud muffin: He knows he's hot, he knows he can get whoever he wants and he knows his smile gets him places. Of course, to generalize that all the Ryan Reynolds of this world are like this is wrong, but I can guarantee if he knows he can get whatever he wants, he will probably want to ride the dating train for a long time. Unless he's confessing his undying love for you, he will be hard to tame.

5. The workaholic: he loves his job more than you, it’s fair and simple. He's a workaholic because he likes his job, he likes the status of “I have my own parking spot” and he wants to make money, lots of money. Having time to commit to a PYT like you isn't number one on his to-do list. And you know you need to see a guy more than once every two weeks and when you do see him, you don't want to just talk about work or see him on his lunch break. Admit it.

6. The narcissist: He cares way too much about his own image and if you don't fit his mold of idealism, you're going to spend countless minutes trying to live up to his expectations when his expectations don't even matter because he will never care as much about you as he does about himself. Phew. Did you get that?

Cute dimples or not, you're not going to get what you need from someone who isn't meant to be in a relationship, isn't ready or not mature enough.

Love story No. 2

2012-02-01T09:46:00.000-08:00

Having not had my number asked of me by any female for dating purposes since high school, I was very taken back by this most rare occurrence as it happened in the singles ward of my church; beautiful brown eyes drawing my fullest of attentions. I could hardly remember my own number. After giving it, I seriously wondered if I had said the correct sequence, I really should be stronger but women are indeed a force to be reckoned with.

The next day I received a text from her asking if I could be her date to some function as her date had cancelled on her. I had already had plans with another friend to work out and make dinner; I didn’t want to seem too available. These are the games that dating conditions us to play, only here would an obviously awesome thing like someone calling you to spend time with you seem like something to behold with some degree of caution. Stupid games.

I declined, but extended an invitation to a dinner at a friend’s house later in the week. Playing the game quite well, she accepted both and all was seemingly fine.

The night of the dinner I became reacquainted with feelings that for years had become dormant: someone you hardly know is about to meet people you know well and form opinions about them almost immediately. I come from a most cultured body of folks I call friends; these certainly were not rugged folks that we would be eating with by any sense. Quite civil and well-tempered, I could not help but wonder what it all looked like to someone I was about to introduce for the first time.

I walked out to meet her, one of the first questions she asked me, "is this your house?" Certainly implying my ownership of it, I’m not going to lie, I seriously considered saying yes for a nano second. Reason prevailed; this young lady was all of 26 years old, works with non-profit groups and by all accounts, works like a boss traveling from this city to that city doing what women do quite well: networking.

We had already gotten into the what-do-you-do-thing and I’m usually okay speaking on my own behalf telling any inquiring party that I’m in school working for non-profit groups with a few side jobs here and there. It was here in this setting that the obvious realization of birds of a feather hit me quite hard listening to my friends girlfriend talk to her about her job at Ralphs. These two females talking it up coming from obviously diverse ways of life, it was a reintroduction into social class systems.

I guess I live in a bubble thinking that two people can just fall in love regardless of this or that. There is no denying that some folks are out there looking to be taken care of; I respect that because who doesn’t want that? My good friend later that night told me, "Yeah man, I saw her watch. That was a nice watch." So eloquently put. He is married and has an awesome job, as does his wife. There is nothing wrong with the finer things in life, but certainly things become distinct when you define yourself by these things. Dinner went well, the conversation was spirited. I walked her out and said good bye.

We texted back and forth, I absolutely abhor texting females you don’t know well. Phone calls are my forte; she seemed busy planning her sister’s wedding. I totally understand that, but for someone to deny sharing free food and just a portion of your costly time (cause it is costly) after seeming so very excited to have your number, is a bit confusing.

I really don’t trip on it too hard; she was and is high caliber, top shelf woman, who did much to stimulate my mind and body without ever touching me. Clever girl, have not seen her since, I’ll call her today. Probably send a text first though.

-Steven Nickens; Orange County, California.

Love story No. 1

2012-01-28T13:49:00.000-08:00

It began with a few snowballs hitting my back and ended with the door hitting it instead.

On our first date, we decided to meet up outside her dorm before walking over to a nearby restaurant. Sweat was literally dripping off my hands when I saw how beautiful she looked in the distance. When we got a little closer to each other, we both began laughing because we were wearing almost identical outfits! Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t wearing a dress or anything, but the style and the colors were exactly the same, even down to the socks! That’s when I knew this girl was special.

I have a lot of trouble in social situations, so oral presentations in class were always one of the hardest things for me to overcome. Anyhow, this girl was so amazing, she made sure to sit in the back of the classroom whenever I had to give a speech. She’d sit in a place where I could focus on her, guiding my nerves. That was really special.

She used to make herself laugh and then laugh harder at her own laughter. I think the most prominent quirk she had was her sense of humor. Now, I am pretty strange and tend to find humor in strange places but I think she had me beat.

I think I could be satisfied just remembering this next moment if I never experienced love again. I was taking the train, on my way back into the city. She called me to say that she’d be at the station to meet me, which is always comforting. When I arrived at the station I didn’t see her, so I walked up the stairs and wandered over to the other platform where I could get a better view. I looked down the steps and there must have been about a hundred people milling around, yet I was completely transfixed on her. It was as if time had stopped and the entire world grew silent, looking through the crowd, as she was trying to find me. Somewhere embedded in that moment, was the realization that someone I was deeply in love with felt the same way for me.

After three years together, we were reaching the end of our relationship.

On one of our last dates we went out to a club on the wrong side of town. She wanted to stay and wasn’t really thinking about the possibility of me getting jumped or worse… So we had a big argument; lots of deep, underlying emotions came into play, so it wasn’t just about the situation at hand. Eventually, we got back to her apartment and she slammed the door on me. I would’ve just left, but I realized she had the key to my apartment. So I knocked on the door, had the doorman give her a call and basically caused a bit of commotion. Meanwhile, her neighbors are getting upset, yelling “Leave her alone!” out their doors. So I’m yelling back – “She has my key!” and believe me, they weren’t buying it.

Finally, I got in touch with her, she throws my key under the door and just my luck – it bounces back into her room! So I just thought, forget it. It obviously wasn’t my night so I fell asleep on a couch in the lobby. Metaphorically, the story represents an amazing relationship, while it lasted, but one that gradually grew into a search for the key to her love. The climax being when she tries to give it back to me but I just cannot reach it.

-Matt Dangler; Demarest, New Jersey.
Matt is an artist and based a painting off this story. See his work here.

Five reasons to be yourself

2012-01-24T10:00:00.000-08:00

You know when you're in high school and you get a crush on someone who you think is all that and a bag of chips until you find out that they’re into death metal and then suddenly, you’re Googling death metal so you two have something “in common?”

Do you know what I mean?

So you end up all into death metal dating this person who's all into death metal, but really, you're not. And then one day, you realize you've been lying to yourself for some guy (or girl) who has no idea who you really are because you aren't being yourself. Oh, and you hate death metal.

Do you know what I mean?

Sometimes we're attracted to people who probably aren't the right fit, or even if they are, we can feel like we can't be ourselves with them (for whatever reason - insecurities, fear of losing someone's interest, etc.). I've done it, you've done it, we've all done it, and in case you haven't heard, being yourself is so 2012. No, really.

Here are five reasons you should be yourself, no matter what:

1. Don’t hide your quirks: the right person won’t care that you wear plaid pants with a striped shirt or that you stop and dance to "Thriller" in a Rite Aid. Why? Because they like you for you and your quirky weirdness. Stop pretending you have no desire to drop it like it's hot out of the blue.

2. Convincing yourself that you like something you don’t really like, like death metal, will only make you hate it more. Trust me! And then when things don’t turn out in your favor, you’re going to be stuck with a closet full of weird band tee’s with skulls and shit on them, and be rudely reminded of that person every time you hear death metal forcing you to project words like “I hate all the death metal in the whole entire world.” And then everyone will be looking at you like, "what's this girl's problem?"

3. Rid yourself of insecurities: whatever it is you feel someone will judge you about, they won’t. Everyone has something they’re insecure about and no one is perfect. So if you’re trying to get rid of five pounds you’re ashamed of, get over yourself, stop being a hungry bitch, and eat some bread. That person is with you; if five pounds (or whatever it is you’re insecure about) was a deal-breaker, they’d be gone already.

4. Speak your mind: not speaking up about your interests, beliefs and opinions aint no fun if the homies can't get none, like the song, theoretically speaking. Everyone has an opinion – it makes life more interesting – if you’re not speaking your mind and going with the flow too much, see #2!

5. Stop being with people who don’t embrace you in all your glory; being with someone who lets you be you is the BEST feeling in the world. So don’t waste time not being you, even if you’re only not being you a little bit, make sense?

Pass it on!

A love letter on falling in love

2012-01-18T09:53:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you guys know this (it's okay, I didn't until Thursday) but John Steinbeck, the Nobel Prize recipient and author of wonderful books like The Grapes of Wrath, has a published book full of letters he has written: Steinbeck: A Life in Letters.

These aren't just letters, they are profound, eloquent and somewhat tear-jerking letters (well, maybe if you just can't control your emotions like me).

Steinbeck wrote the below letter to his son Thom in 1958 after Thom opened up to him about falling in deep love with a girl named Susan while away at boarding school.

Steinbeck writes the most timeless words to his son that I think anyone can relate to; I felt nothing short of compelled to share this:

New York
November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First -- if you are in love -- that's a good thing -- that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don't let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second -- There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you -- of kindness and consideration and respect -- not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn't know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply -- of course it isn't puppy love.

But I don't think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it -- and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone -- there is no possible harm in saying so -- only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another -- but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I'm glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -- The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

(via the Atlantic)

DATING LOOK-A-LIKES

2012-01-14T10:37:00.000-08:00

Photo by Jessica Milan

Once upon a time I dated a guy (dated is the nice term I will use for playing cat and mouse and partaking in immature drama) who after weeks of bullshit, casually mentioned in an "I got you tone" during what was our terminal end-all of whatever it was that we were doing, that I was just like his ex who broke his heart.

What he really meant to say was “I was attracted to you because you reminded me of her, but you did similar stuff she did to me that I didn’t like, but that’s why I was attracted to you, but you’re not her, wah wah wah.”

I later found out that “the ex” looked just like me: similar hair color, body build and even resemblance in our facial structures. Fishy.

Once upon another time, I dated another award winner who seemed to do the same thing as example number one. Somewhere along yellow brick road, I noticed his rolodex of women he dated, especially his ex he had a serious relationship with, all looked comparable and I fit right in.

People date look-a-likes all the time; sure, everyone has a “type” they prefer whether it’s tall, blond, brunette, athletic, etc. But some date people whose physical appearance is almost uncanny to an ex-partner.

Let’s look at Leonardo DiCaprio who dated this girl, this girl and now dates this girl. See my point? Not the point that I’m a jealous bitch, but my point that they all look-a-like.

Another notable person who dated look-a-likes is Johnny Carson who was married to a brunette woman named Joanne, and then later married a former model named Joanna. Then there's Chris Brown, you know, “look at me now,” who dated Princess RiRi and then this broad (tell me that isn’t Princess RiRi 2.0) and Hulk Hogan dated this lady who has a younger resemblance to his ex-wife (and uh, his daughter).

There has to be a reason example one and two date girls who look similar and it has nothing to do with having a “type;” the only thing I can conclude is what Dr. Bethany Marshall said in an ABC news segment called “Dating Doppelgangers: Men With a Specific Type.”

Marshall said people who date similar looks, may be trying to replace one woman with another and then another; however, doing this doesn’t allow you to grieve, separate, reform a new relationship, and attach to the woman you’re currently dating for who she is.

It makes perfect sense, at least it does in the theoretical la la land that is inside my brain where I have to find a reason for everything that happens in my life.

I have a type I go for which entails certain qualities like artsy, smartsy types. While I may be attracted to dark haired, mysterious individuals, it doesn’t mean that’s all I date. Looking back, every guy I have dated looks nothing like the next because at the end of the day, the qualities I desire in a guy outweigh physical attributes.

So for whatever personal people do this – not just men, women do it too – I can only hope that I don’t ever have to add an example three to my blog.

Do you date look-a-likes?

YOU'RE A BOOTY CALL IF:

2012-01-05T13:41:00.001-08:00

I KNOW you KNOW what a booty call is, but just in case you've never heard the term, it's a “late night summons--often made via telephone--to arrange clandestine sexual liaisons on an ad hoc basis.” At least that's what Urban Dictionary says it is.

Look: I'm going to be frank, and by frank, I mean Jessica. There are too many times I hear friends talk about guys they're seeing and all I hear when they speak is "arranged clandestine sexual liaisons." No, I’m not talking about myself, er, shut up!

So if you think that guy you met at the gym is the cat's meow and you’re wondering why he hasn't introduced you to his mom, taken you to church with him or met up with you before 10 p.m., well, I hate to break this to you.

You're a booty call if:

1. You only see each other after dark, in dark rooms, closets, corners, alleys, etc. This is a given, but if you're just meeting up for a rendezvous, it's bad news bears Ms. New Booty.

2. You've never met his/her friends. There's a reason for this: people don't take you to a Bar Mitzvah and introduce you as their fuck-buddy. They take you places they'd want to be seen with you if they're seriously considering something more than Facebook chat with you. There’s also that whole, “I need my friends approval thing.”

3. The only texts you get involve dirty innuendo's asking what you're wearing, if you're horny or if you're free at 11 p.m.

4. You don't know anything personal about each other because the only kind of pillow talk you've been having is "say my name."

5. The only thing he's ever given you are condoms, and maybe some booze, but mostly condoms.

6. Your "hanging out" always leads to sex.

7. Your friends roll their eyes when you mention him.

8. The one time you do see his friends, one of them laughs or hits on you.

9. He's got girls all over him--or guys, whatever--texting him, Facebooking him, driving by his place, showing up in the middle of your rendezvous at midnight, dropping off baskets of muffins, you get the picture.

10. Don't even make me say this, but if you're having sex and he says he doesn't want anything serious...yeah, about that. Sorry. Cyber hug.

If all you want is a booty call, that's totally fine because sometimes you've got to get the poison out, otherwise just remember you can't turn a hook-up into something borrowed and something blue.

2012 or bust

2012-01-01T09:05:00.000-08:00

It's New Year’s Day: did you pledge that you’ll use Listerine every day last night or what? Because it's 2012 and this is your year my pretty's. It's going to be so, so good.

This year, please solemnly swear to:

Date people who are right for you. Enough of this "I'm in a shitty relationship shit." End it! It's 2012. Start the year right! Date the right guy/girl.

Floss your teeth every day. Seriously. Honestly. Come on. It's bad. Besides, your medical bills won't be favorable if you keep it up.

Only have good sex, and if the sex isn't good, speak up! Stop being miserable.

Take care of yourself: eat your veggies, eat your Wheaties, drink your water, and exercise every now and then. Stop sabotaging your body, because when you get to be Kirsty Alley's age, all those times you chased Miller High Life's with Taco Bell and Flaming Hot Cheetos will catch up to you and you will just be on crash diet after crash diet. Oh, and stop doing coke if you are, these aren't the 90's.

Be nice to humans and stop hating on people you don't even know. That's playground activity.

Start listening to sexier music like this jam.

Get rid of bad friends. You know they're just going to flake on you anyway in 2012.

Save your money. You will thank yourself later!

Enjoy life because life is no good if you are all work and no play.

Happy New Year babies! Pass it on!

Sorry, it's over!

2011-12-27T10:11:00.000-08:00

If you haven't heard of the Gentlemen's Rant, it's okay, I hadn't either until three days ago. These "Sorry, it's over" videos from the female and male perspective are hilarious insights into what causes a relational breakup. I couldn't have said it better myself.

\

Rebuttal!

Go to their YouTube channel for more videos.

Tweet them @ooJLEoo

Interview: Creator of Nice Jewish Guys calendar

2011-12-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

Photo courtesy of Adam Cohen

You’ve heard of a fireman’s calendar, right? You know, that 12-month erotic wall ornament with shirtless men making fire hoses and other paraphernalia, ahem, naughty? Sure, those models are nice to look at, but wouldn’t it be nice to give 12 real men, with real jobs, and a real nice personality, a place to shine?

Look no further: the Nice Jewish Guys calendar is back for the third year featuring men you could take home to your mom. Adam Cohen, a tv producer whose latest project, Cupcake Wars on the Food Network, began this “crazy side project” two years ago and since then, nice Jewish guys have finally gotten the attention they deserve. I talked with Adam about the calendar, the guys and how he put it together.

J: I understand the calendar began in 2010, what sparked the idea?
A: A joke sparked it; I was talking to friends about how all calendars have firemen or pin up hotties. Wouldn't it be hilarious if there were nebbishy Jewish guys like "David" (pronounced with an affected long island Jewish mom twang) and this guy is posing up on a rock with his button-up shirt, still holding his jacket. People thought it was brilliant and HAD to be done. As I got into it I started realizing it was more of a cultural comment and it became a more serious endeavor, yet still with good humor. What happened was that I realized I was now carrying the torch for all the nice guys who get passed up in the bar, are still good to their moms, and are a good catch, but the women just don't know it yet. As it started coming out I started getting tons of feedback from women who absolutely adore these guys. I never knew there was such a fetish for nice Jewish guys. Women of all religions were coming out of the woodwork.

J: What qualities make up a "nice Jewish guy?"

A: The look is important and I can't tell you what it is. I'll just know when I see it. But he's definitely not the sort of guy you'd point at and say, "you... you need to be Mr. September." It's quite the opposite.

I've had to talk a few guys into doing this and I think when I first started, a couple of the guys thought I was doing some weird porn. I convinced them it was on the level and I just wanted to put them in a calendar. There's also a, well, a nice quality to them: trustworthy, a good listener and a guy who doesn't realize that these qualities can be just as attractive as washboard abs and Brad Pitt looks.

J: How do you choose the guys in the calendar and where are they from?
A: It's just a massive effort to find the right guys: some are friends of friends of friends, some answer Internet listings and others just find me; most are rejected. I can't tell you how many guys I get who are too good looking or just don't have "it." It's a mix. Yep, a couple more obvious hot guys but more straight up nice Jewish guys.

J: Are all the guys single?
A: At shoot time they are single. Hopefully by the time the calendar comes out, they get snatched up.

J: Do you receive letters from women asking about the guys featured in the calendar?
A: All the time. I get emails from women in New Zealand asking, "where are the nice Jewish guys here?" I'm like gosh, I don't know, find a temple and hang out. Women have been super sweet and supportive of this project and I really feel like I touched a nerve. It's a niche that I intend on owning.

J: Have you ever matched any of the guys with a female hopeful?
A: I really, really hope so.

J: I know women whose ears perk up after hearing a guy is Jewish. Do you think being a "nice Jewish guy" is a stereotype?
A: Yes, it is, but a stereotype that's positive. As a Jewish guy I'd like to own it and not feel like I'm not at the top of some woman's list BECAUSE of it. I think it's about time for us.

J: After two years, the 2012 calendar featured three months of Jewish girls; it's refreshing to see girls fully clothed in a calendar. So what makes a nice Jewish girl different from other women usually featured in calendars?
A: Everything makes her different. As you pointed out: SHE'S CLOTHED. It ain't about what she looks like, it's about who she is. A nice Jewish Girl might be a Yenta; she might be the sweetheart who bakes fresh hallah for Shabbat. But again, she's got that "it" quality that you know when you see it.

J: It takes a nice Jewish guy to give credit to all the nice Jewish guys out there, do you consider yourself one?
A: Sure, it takes one to know one.

J: Are you single?
A: Happily married.

J: What do you want this calendar to accomplish?
A: If this calendar can accomplish anything it would be my hope that women give this guy a chance out at a bar. He's funny, nice and a great listener. What's not to like!?

Check out the Nice Jewish Guys Calendar on Facebook!

Reasons it's good being single during the holidays

2011-12-18T21:45:00.000-08:00

Since it’s December and all the single people out there are sick of seeing couples doing cute, couple-y things like ice skating hand-in-hand, making snow angels and drinking egg nog in front of a fire while gazing into each others eyes, I’m here to tell you that being single during the holiday season isn’t that bad.

I know all that stuff sounds like SO much fun, but before you write your “are you there Santa, it’s (your name here),” letter to some old dude who likes to rub his belly, read this.

It’s good to be single during the holidays because:

1. Think of all the money you're saving on gifts and now able to spend on yourself. Also think of all the coats you can buy at year-end sales! So many coats!

2. If you want to spread holiday cheer in bed with something new and festive, now’s the time to try that snow blowing thing you heard about. Because trust me, if you do it to your boyfriend, I’m pretty sure you will be single this holiday season (unless that’s your thing, I guess).

3. You can eat and drink whatever you want because you don’t need to worry about how you look in bed. So stop eyeing that gingerbread house and eat it already.

4. You've only just met that person you're dating, so what the heck do you buy them? Or do you buy them a gift? Wait, are they religious? Do they celebrate Christmas? Or do they hate the holidays because they had a troubled childhood? <-- did I stress you out yet?

5. You don’t have to pretend you like the scarf your boyfriend gave you. You saved money on not buying a gift for someone else so you can just buy whatever you want.

6. You can finally go to that naughty holiday party your deviant friends keep inviting you to. You know, the one where the girls wrap themselves as gifts but are just wearing bows around their chests?

7. There are tons of parties this time of year, so flirt your little heart out. I’m serious. Tape mistletoe to your hat. Why not?

8. You don’t have to worry about going to family parties for his or her side. Nor do you have to worry about buying gifts for people you don’t really know and aren’t sure if you will know next year. Ek.

9. It’s New Years Eve: be slutty. Okay, maybe only a little slutty.

10. If you’re one of those people who loves singing really good-bad Christmas songs at the top of your lungs: sing them. No one’s around to be turned off.

Feel better yet?

All she wants for Christmas is Justin

2011-12-14T11:05:00.000-08:00

There’s this Christmas video lurking cyberspace that left my mouth agape and stomach nauseated upon watching it. It's the video for "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber and I'm pretty sure it should just be called, "All I want For Christmas Is Justin. Love, Mariah."

While watching this, I couldn’t help but think that Mariah Carey has been having sweet, sweet fantasies (this is a serious joke, no pun) about this little tiger for some time now. It also led me to believe she probably coerced him into her dressing room with candy canes before filming to “rehearse.”

Here are my conclusions about this video:

The Mariah Carey in the beginning is actually her wax mannequin from Ripleys Believe it or Not.

Justin's friends clearly didn't believe he bagged Mrs. Robinson so they came to see for themselves.

Mariah Carey thinks it’s 1995.

Mariah was clearly told she was a cameo in a Juvenile video, hence the erotic bell ringing, body caressing and shaking of her ass against a wall. See this, this and this.

She’s definitely on the naughty list, as well as Megan's Law.

The fur-pleather-plaid-vest-jacket-thing he’s wearing is NOT helping the lesbian rumors that are circulating.

That jacket is definitely something from the AK Anne Klein collection in the women’s department of Macy's.

Pop stars who wear pleather knee pads on their pants are a huge success, well, for a short time. See this.

How does Justin hold a note so well while going through puberty?

Oh, it’s because they started synthesizing his voice.

He definitely got fresh with her. For sure. See this.

Nick Cannon doesn’t even know this video was made because he’s taking care of their children.

Nick Cannon doesn't even know she isn't home.

He definitely whispered sweet nothings into her ear in the sleigh after they eye fucked each other.

She has no idea how old he is.

He knows exactly how old she is.

MGL: Where to draw the line

2011-11-23T08:14:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of The Man's Guide to Love

Do you let your girlfriend/wife/mistress/fiance/old lady know too much? Do you have boundaries?

Red shirt guy says it's okay to tell his lady he wants to have sex with her friends, because it's brutal honesty and honestly, I think that brutal honesty is off putting. How many agree?

I would think that if a man tells a woman he wants to bang some of her friends, it would most likely cause problems; I'm sure the female would become hostile and who's to say what a hostile woman will do! Careful boys.

I personally don't care if a man notices an attractive woman because believe me, I notice attractive women and men, but I know not to drool on myself. To me, telling a woman what positions he wants to see her in isn't okay. Color me turned off.

Would you be okay if your girlfriend told you she wants to have sex with your best friend?

There should be boundaries. There should always be boundaries.

P.S. if you're in a serious relationship and so in love, and you're thinking about having sex with other women, men, whatever, maybe you should re-think your serious relationship.

How to lose a girl in 10 days

2011-11-14T09:54:00.000-08:00

Photo by Glenda Garza

When you meet someone you clique with, it’s like a flock of doves form a perfect heart in the sky. It’s like bells ring and you just want to do crazy things like shout from mountain tops. Well, don’t.

There are things that can ruin a perfectly good thing way before it even begins. TRUST ME (serious face). This is me, helping you: I want you to succeed, and quite frankly, I want to end this behavior.

How you will lose a girl in 10 days:

1. Sharing too much too soon: You just met, there’s no need to disclose how bad your day is or how much you hate your boss in the beginning. The last thing a girl wants is a big cry baby. Yes, we all have problems, but when you date someone new, things should be light and fun. Too much whining is a signal that you need a lot of consoling; we’re too young to be mothers. Save the “I need a hug” text for when you’re past learning last names.

2. Being clingy: Texting, calling, emailing, and Facebooking too much signals signs of neediness and codependency, two wrongs that don’t make a right. Just like men, women like the chase. If you’re in constant contact with us, there’s nothing there for us to guess about you. We want to wonder where you are. We want to wonder who you’re with. We like to wonder and if you're all up in our business, we can't do that. Things can burn out quickly if you’re talking too much in the beginning; take it slow. What’s the rush? Life isn’t THAT short.

3. Being negative: I don’t care if you have a constant rain cloud over your head, put up a front if you want to get a second or third date. You might be thinking that you should just get it all out there right away, but don’t. Like I said in #1, light n' fun. And hey, maybe all that positive thinking will help you out?

4. Talking about your ex: Ugh. It’s too soon to be talking about your ex or the ex before that. I didn’t ask and we weren’t talking about who we’ve dated. There’s no need to casually throw in “my ex had a Honda” or “my ex was a dancer.” A lot of people have Honda’s and a lot of people dance, not just your ex. Why ruin something new by talking about something old?

5. Over-sharing how much you like us too soon: It’s nice and flattering, but sometimes it can be a killer. Girls like to hear that we're pretty and cool and stuff, but smothering us with how MUCH you like us too soon is just…no. It’s infatuation, not love. Down boy!

6. Getting really, really drunk: #5 WILL happen and it will happen all over the place. It will happen in a doorway, on a couch and outside your car and when you finally realize why she isn't texting you back the next day, you will be embarrassed.

7. Begging: Never beg a girl to hang out. If she says she’s busy, she is (she IS). If she says she’s a lesbian, she isn’t (she’s a LIAR).

8. Admitting bad habits or information about yourself: Telling a girl you can’t save money, you eat with your hands, or you have 10 speeding tickets is not so cute. Those are forgivable things once we get to know you and decide we want to throw you against a wall and have our way with you. Before that, there’s no chance.

I hope this helps. Don’t forget girls are just as bad, but there’s a movie about that already so this blog is totally justifiable.

Kreayshawn: self-making at its finest

2011-11-11T08:28:00.000-08:00

She's a high school dropout. She smokes Swisher blunts. She wears oversized gold jewelry and her hair is platinum one minute and multicolored the next. She’s tatted. Sometimes she’s straight, sometimes she’s not. She leads the "white girl mob." She raps crazy lines like "I'm rolling up my catnip and shitting in your litter.” She went after Rick Ross. Rick Ross went after her. She's an editor and a bay area rapper. She's accused of exploiting black culture. She's 21. She’s 5’1. She’s from Oakland. She's white. Who is this girl?

Her name is Kreayshawn, she's a self-made woman and I really like her. No, I’m not saying that I’m in my room curling my hair with a half inch iron, wearing hoodies under vests, applying press-on nails and rapping about a cat (well…). I’m saying she made herself into something she’s not supposed to be by society's standard and succeeded. She defies the white-girl norm, she’s entertaining, she’s petite, she’s crass, she’s from the bay, so YEAH, I like her.

Self-making can fall under two categories: becoming a successful individual from scratch (however you measure that) whether you’re homeless, poor, illiterate—whatever—or, making yourself over to fit a class you want to be a part (ie: cholita falsa, a white girl goin’ gangsta).

An article by Nell Berstein called “Goin’ Gangsta, Choosin’ Cholita” follows teenagers in Oakland who make themselves over to fit the predominant classes in their neighborhoods that happen to be black and Mexican. Of course, the social groups are stereotypes: baggy jeans, listening to suggestive music (not that I knock that, see: Ludacris), speaking a certain way, and often partaking in activities that mom wouldn’t approve of. Of course, not everybody wants to act all Boyz n the Hood, but this article proves that who you want to be and who you can become can be easily accepted today.

You can argue that telling millions of people you “smoke a million Swisher blunts” and you “aint ever comin’ down” is vapid, but someone can also argue that emulating a certain group or ethnicity is acceptance of race and culture today.

Bene Viera of Clutch Magazine stated how ironic it is that the white girl mimicking black culture has been viewed as quirky, cute, and interesting in the past but not anymore.

"Sister’s who fashionably rock bamboo earrings, gold nameplate necklaces, and blonde streaked weaves, will inevitably be considered “ghetto” by society,” said Viera. “It’s equally problematic that every female emcee post Queen Latifah and MC Lyte who has had massive mainstream success all had to sell sex. Kreayshawn, on the other hand, is able to avoid an over sexualized image because of her whiteness.”

Okay, so maybe all you’re seeing is that she had an upper-hand because she is white and had she been a black girl rapping about catnip, she wouldn't be nearly as successful. However, she isn't black, she's white, and white female artists sell sex too, but she isn't and she's workin' it. She made an impression in a genre of music without having to get all Lil’ Kim by opening her legs asking how many licks it takes to get to the center of….I’ll stop.

Maybe you don't accept Kreayshawn for personal reasons, but she is self-made. Identity is no longer a matter of where you come from, who your family is, or what religion you are. You could be just like her, Swisher blunts and all, I won't judge. Your success is measured in how much effort you put into self-making. You could be the Oprah Winfrey of self-making or the Kreayshawn. They both did it on different levels.

Hate her songs, hate her look, but don't hate her work ethic. Ghetto she may be in your eyes, she’s a self-made woman in mine. Ya-Ya!

How to: ending it the right way

2011-10-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

Leo DiCaprio brought to you by the '90s

There's no happy way to break things off with someone. It doesn't matter how nice you are about it, he/she is still going to want to throw up and stun gun your heart every time your name is mentioned. No? Just me? All right.

You can choose your words wisely and think deep about it, but trust me; it won't matter once everything has been done. You said what you needed to say and now you're on your merry way of being a single white female on match.com. Congrats.

There are, however, ways you shouldn't break up with people:

1. Evaporating: If you think this really works, you're nothing short of a dumbass. Stopping communication (texting, phone calls, love letters), cancelling plans to hang, disappearing, changing your number, etc., isn't going to give the person who is in deep, emotional confusion with you—their soul mate (Oy vey)—the answer. Remember, you're their soul mate, so if you evaporate, they will evaporate with you. It's like Titanic: if you jump, I jump.

2. Saying you want a break but you really want a break-up: This never works! The sorry sap is asking a daisy "does she love me? Love me not?" while you're drooling over every person that comes into sight.

3. Deliberately doing something bad to make them hate you like CHEATING or worse, KILLING someone. Who would do such a thing? That is a just an extreme measure and you know better; shame on you and your un-willingness to just break-up.

4. Over a text, email or phone call: Well, it seems easier than coercing a person into thinking everything is fine and dandy when it's not, asking them to meet you at a park and then slowly pouring boiling water on them (it’s basically what you’re doing). Not only is breaking up over text's or social networks beyond disrespectful and impersonal, but it shows your character and what kind of insolent creature you are. Get off my blog if you've done this.

5. Around a significant time (anniversary, birthday or Christmas): When times are tough, I know it's hard to keep the fire burning, but wait until the candles aren't burning to burn everything else, please. Do you REALLY want to be that guy that dumped a girl on her birthday?

6. Changing your status on Facebook to single without talking to him/her. Seriously, are you 12?

7. Doing it on vacation or right before you go somewhere where you know you will be stuck together for hours. You are only doing this to yourself. You asked for it.

8. In public: Why? Because you're at the Olive Garden, you putz, and no one likes a crying baby when they're dining out let alone an adult. Although, I never really mind a total Jerry Springer style blow-out. So I guess if you're going to do it in public, make it outlandish enough so it's dinner and a show. Okay, I'm kidding, but not really.

9. Through a friend: It's such an immature move to break-up through a friend. What kind of friend would let their friend do that anyway? You need to reassess your life if you can't muster the courage to blurt the words "this isn't working." You should also reassess your friends’ ability to judge the severity of a situation.

Hopefully this opened some eyes. Like I said, that person will still loathe you, but at least they can still eat at Olive Garden without being reminded of your sorry ass.

A love letter

2011-10-10T22:18:00.000-07:00

Photo by Justin Tyler Close

Dear person who shall remain nameless,

I'm only writing this in hopes of opening your eyes to the rad personality you’ve acquired through your big man on campus self-claim to fame.

When you contacted me to "catch up," a series of things ran through my head. I thought about posting fliers around your neighborhood with a photo of you and "missing man baby" in large text underneath. But I withheld. I also thought about responding to your little inquiry with a list of reactions like:

Thanks, but no thanks.
Wow, really?
Are you fucking insane?
H1N1 sounds like more fun than seeing you again.
You're pathetic.
Please delete my contact information.
No.
I'd rather read the owners manual to my car for 24 hours than spend two hours listening to you talk about yourself.

But I didn't even react.

So let me catch you up on something, bro.

You're better off with a girl who listens to Miley Cyrus and drinks Mikes Hard Lemonade. You won't have to spend as much money impressing her because a) she can’t get into bars, b) has no regard for finer things and c) girls who drink Mikes are "drunk off two," so there you go.

You might want to work on yourself too. Asking people to do things for you because you're lazy won't teach you the difference between your and you're. I know paying attention to things you don't care about is a difficult thing, for you, but knowing how to properly structure a sentence is not that outlandish given your college degree; so again, little girls may suit you better.

You should also know that in order to have any kind of relationship with anyone in your life, ever, you have to get to know them too; it's not all about you, all the time. But I guess in your case it is.

I'm just helping you be the man you think you are.

With my semi-sincerest regards, good luck with life. You will find someone, somewhere, eventually. Bless her heart.

Jessica

Dating can suck, here's why:

2011-09-22T13:26:00.000-07:00

Dating can really suck. You have to put up with crappy/awkward/cringe-worthy situations to get a handful of good ones you really hit it off with. The worst part? You can’t get those five hours of your life back and telling yourself “well, at least I gave him/her a chance” doesn’t make it better.

Here's why dating can/does suck (sometimes/all the time):

1. It can be really awkward: Going on a date with someone completely new is like going on a job interview. "Favorite movies?" I loathe this question. I go into an immediate blank state of mind where I forget everything I’ve ever watched and actually taken interest in. This question makes me want to say something really lame like Legally Blonde when I don't even like that movie but I saw it once and it was on TV earlier that day and it's the only thing that came to mind and now I just look like a bimbo idiot who has no depth.

2. You have to pretend you're really interested even if you aren't into horse races and cigars because you still have to order dessert or you just got to the after-dinner destination (hopefully not your bedroom, seeing it’s so soon/see: awkward silences).

3. There are dumb games. You wait around for a call or text even if you don't really want to see them again but you just kind of want to know if they still want to date you. Jerk, but it’s TRUE! But then when they actually rape your phone with texts asking when you two can hang out again, you get all Sweet Valley High saying "Oh my God, this person won’t leave me alone!"

4. You have to deal with pretentious people. For some reason, people really want to look good on the first date-this still baffles me-so they go around flaunting their list of accolades like they’re waving an American Flag.

5. Everyone who is in a relationship and all in looove and stuff wants to hook you up with their sibling/cousin/niece/nephew. WHAT IS WITH THIS? We-I-don't want your brother. That is, unless he's on the fairly attractive to really attractive side, over 24 but under 28, has a degree of some sort or at least likes to use fancy words and likes Art? No? Okay.

6. Everything can be there but there’s one thing off like they're too short or too tall or they can’t find humor in your sick wit. You can have everything in common, but that one little thing is enough make you want the check.

7. You fall for him/her and it’s all great and then it’s not all great. And then you're all hurt for three days and then you're all Ya-Ya Sisterhood and then you're all I-need-a-man and then you're all "fuck it: I’m eatin’ this ice cream ‘cause aint no man gon’ make me feel like I can't!"

8. You compare all the duds to one good one who wasn't even that good because you two just had a “connection” (because we block out the shitty stuff). Stupid.

9. It's hard to believe a person in line at Starbucks is being genuine when he tries to get your number. You have to wonder if he's doing this every morning to every broad or if he actually sees something in you after standing behind you for 27 seconds discussing your affinity for dark roast. What? We have to weed out the rotten ones.

Things I learned from Jersey Shore Season 4, Ep.6

2011-09-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

Don't bang your head into a wall that is pure brick and mortar because it will cut into your GTL'ing for ten days.

You don't always have to be tough, you gotta be real when you hurt (in reference to neck pain) and the gym will get you out of that remorseful, bridge-burning mess that you got into, dude.

If you walk by a church, wear more clothing.

God doesn't make all boobs.

An ultimate Guido toolbag wears headbands, tracksuits and/or Chapstick.

Vinny Guadagnino has his therapy license and knows what's up.

There are a lot of bitchy girls at Club 21, at night. It's just so annoying. Everybody just get away.

Snookie has feelings too and just wants to be loved.

A hickey from your "sister," isn't a hickey from your "sister."

An addiction to your Italian boyfriend’s penis is far worse than an addiction to heroine.

Intervention means that you're like, fucked up and you need help.

Friends don't let everything be cheese and daisies when things are bad.

A public service announcement to me and you

2011-09-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

I just turned 24 and never in a million birthdays did I think this was the age I would have one of those cliché, light-bulb-turning-on moments with a gospel choir rejoicing in the background while clapping their hands as doves fly from cages into a bright white escape.

Being in the twenty-something age range is weird. It's full of over-dramatic anxiety attacks, wondering if you’re working toward the right career, hoping you can pay your bills, figuring yourself out, trying not to catch STD's, and last but not least, a usually not-so-favorable dating record (me, me, me).

Admittedly, I have a history of dating gentlemen who reel me in like a white van with candy but can never seem to admit they don't really want to "be" with anyone. In no way does this stop them from being all up in my business acting as if it were some modern Shakespearian love story (minus suicides) wanting the whole sha-bang (all that good stuff but without the title), then disappearing (and often reappearing) only to confuse the hell out of me.

I used to classify them as "assholes who led me on," but now, I’m comfortable saying they were guys who "weren’t interested in me enough to be with me or weren’t at the right place in their lives to compliment what I needed, let alone anyone else for that matter." At least I wouldn’t wish it upon another girl friend.

You’d think I could figure it out at the time, the signs were all there hence them basically vaporizing into thin air. He-lloooooo Jessica. But I didn’t. I'm human.

I forgot about the things I'd stay privy to when it came to someone I’d allow into my life. I had little birds on my shoulders saying things like "no one is perfect” and “you have to give people a chance, even the ones you wouldn’t normally go for, otherwise you will end up alone (scary music)."

This led me to date/be entranced by guys who didn’t fulfill me in certain areas, didn’t allow me to by myself, weren’t on the same page of life as me, or were a little too Up in Smoke, if you know what I mean.

It was what it was. My young self with another young self. I can’t beat myself up over it. Although I’d like to go back in time, drag myself by my long hair and slap the living shit out of me.

Enough about me.

So this is a public service announcement to all you fine young thangs, me included, because I realized on or around my 24th birthday, that life isn’t about being in situations that leave you unhappy or frustrated. Especially so young.

If you want someone who is spontaneous, motivated and intellectual--whatever it is--then be with someone who is. It won't work in the long or short run if you try otherwise. Trust me.

You know yourself better than anyone. Respect yourself. It’s a matter of the heart.

It's kind of crazy waking up one day and realizing your big adult life is beginning, and knowing where you are is no longer where you used to be. But it just happens like that. Onward.

Get on with your bad selves and listen to this smooth jam.

How to have a friend with benefits

2011-08-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

So you think you can have sex with your best friend, or that girl/guy who you just “joke” with? Hah. Get real. There are steps to this and only a select few qualify, see if you do:

1. It has to be with a person that meets the “unhealthy” relationship quota: a) emotionally uninvolved; b) just got out of a serious relationship and wants to avoid any “I love you’s;” c) someone who is very busy/traveling/career oriented and/or has no regard for settling down with someone.

2. There has to be a standard set. Obviously if you take this person on a date, you're sending mixed signals. But if you meet this person after 1a.m. in a bar, and you’re both piss drunk, you obviously know it’s called getting-down-with-your-bad-selves.

3. You need to make sure you or the other party isn't a bunny-boiling jealous freak. It’s hard to tell, especially when it’s a stranger, but you will pick up hints. Basically, they say they are totally casual, but really, they want you all to their selves and think sex is the way to lock you down and toss the key. They will do anything in their power to get you. Aka, boil your kids rabbit (or yours, if you have one) or stalk every person of the opposite sex you talk to on some social network. Scary huh?

4. You have to state what it is: having sex with no attachments. Because admit it, you don’t want a relationship and definitely not with that person, otherwise you would be in a relationship with them, right? The number one mistake is people are not clear with what they want when they have sex/date/gaze into the eyes of someone drunkenly.

5. Do not cross boundaries. EVER. Never text/call/write/send flowers/ask how their mom is. It’s just confusing. Any sign of interest can be taken a long way. That means no lying around in bed the next day, cuddling and/or making breakfast.

6. Of course, there’s going to be complications. It usually ends up with one person having a crush on the other while the feelings aren’t reciprocated. Bummer. But, we are human. It's easy to say you can do this, but at the end of the day, each and every one of us is programmed to love in whatever way you do. #factsoflife

7. For the love of whatever god you believe in, play it safe. Use a condom. You aren’t monogamous; therefore, you’re probably having sex with half of your home town.

8. Have respect for yourself; never get involved or continue something you can’t look back on fondly. It’s no fun having negative memories after driving past something or hearing a song that reminds you of “that guy or girl.” If this type of relationship doesn’t work for you, get the F out of it. Don’t wade in the water. But if it does work for you: #7 #7 #7!

Things I learned from Jersey Shore Season 4, Ep. 2

2011-08-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

"If she got a basket on her bicycle, she's too young for you man."
"If she has parental controls on her TV in her bedroom, she's too young for you bro."

"If she only owns Snow White on DVD, she's too young for you man."

"If her Keds still light up, she's too young for you bro."

"If she still plays lazor tag, she's too young for you bro."

An Italian sausage isn't an Italian sausage.

If your name is Brittany and you're an American girl from Florida, you might want to change your name. And get tested.
If I get drunk enough in Italy, it won't hurt when I fall down repeatedly on concrete or fall down stairs. I will also wake up the next day thanking a higher authority that I "didn't fall last night."

To be a real Italian lady, you have to drink wine while cookin' dinner.

Strawberries and raspberries can be the same thing, almost.

Yellow jeans and blue tee's are so in.

Da Vinci (otherwise known as Michelangelo) painted the ceiling of the Vatican (which doubles as the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel).
If I fight with my ex in a club one night, who goes by the name pimp-daddy-mac, I can get drunk the next night and make up, but only if there are white iridescent shades involved. Because only am I truly sorry for anything I do while drunk when wearing these.

A guy who tells me I am the most awesomist chick he's ever met after a night in a janky club, is a total keeper.
Getting fucked in the ass with a spiked bat is better than cuddling with your ex.

Things I won't miss about college

2011-08-10T12:02:00.000-07:00

1. The elevator door opening in the lobby to let 13 people get off, but the 45 people wanting to get on can't wait for us to exit. So they try to get on as we’re exiting. It just doesn’t work like that.

2. Greek week. Greek week. Greek week. Greek week. I don't want to join your Greek week.

3. Walking into an advisors office (true story), sitting down at her desk (won't name names) to ask ONE question about some paperwork. She wags her finger in my face. "Hold on." Picks up her phone. "Yeah hi. I am great and Oh, I found out my foot is fine. It's broken. The doctor said I just need to rest but the x-ray was no fun." Three minutes later. "Anyway, I have a student here....." I wish I were lying.

4. Not knowing if the hot guy on the bench next to you is 18 or in his twenties. You should label yourselves.

5. Togos. What the hell is up with my campus being so obsessed with Togos? It's everywhere. Every. Where. I don't want sandwiches anymore. I don't want cold cuts. I don’t want to be asked if I want pickles.

6. Every computer being occupied for Facebook chat and Farmville (do people even play that anymore or is that so last semester?) when I need to print off a 27-page-paper because my printer exploded the night before and class starts in three minutes.

7. I Walk into an office to turn in papers—just to turn in papers—and the receptionist is on her cell phone talking to someone about her kids playground at school for two minutes. Looks up and winks. Mouths that "she's sorry." Sad face. Hangs up. I hand her papers. Blank stares. I exit.

8. Having a hot professor who refuses to break the law and hit on his student. Don’t act like you didn’t think about it fellow female students.

9. Biker's running me over on campus because they feel it necessary to bike over grassy knolls where I walk to avoid sidewalks, where they belong.

10. Getting told something didn't transfer, something didn't count, something no longer exists, or something costs another $90 because they increased the price. Five minutes ago. And the sign is on the front door.