Heart Gone Walking :: Smatterings from an Indianapolis mom

You're the reason I come home

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 05:21:00 +0000

Joe and I don't have a lot of normal, doe-eyed, "aren't they in love" pictures together.

2003

When a camera is in front of us, we tend to act like 5-year-olds.

2005

I submit all these photos as proof.

2007

The day will come when Madeline and Caleb will try to remember how they turned out so normal when all photographic proof points towards having moronic parents.

2009

But we have photos like these because we have a lot of fun together. Hands down, there is no one else I want to spend every minute with, day in and day out.

And we get to spend every day together because I am his and he is mine.

2005

Remember how I said last week has some awfully sad, dramatic moments with one reference to "The Bachelor" and I wasn't sure if I'd post some of it? Well, here is a smidgen of what I was thinking then.

Women on "The Bachelor" say they want a husband who promises a life of adventure, traveling, vineyards and never-ending grand romantic gestures.

I say you need a husband who wakes up to your crying in the dead of night, listens to you attempt to sob out your muddled thoughts and holds you while you cry yourself back to sleep.

I say you need a husband who closes the bedroom door and calls in late for work the next morning so you can sleep in while he dresses the kids, feeds the kids and has them ready to walk out the door for preschool when you finally come stumbling out.

I say you need a husband who calls to check on you and listens to you cry, unable to express your overwhelmed thoughts on failing at life but still tells you, "I think you're doing a great job."

I say you need a husband who brings home a case of root beer because he knows it makes everything a little bit better.

I say you need a husband who makes everything a million times better just because he comes home at the end of the day.

Because those nights and those days are gonna come and you will need your best friend to care for you and tell you you're doing great even if you feel like you're failing at everything.

"You're the reason that when everything I know falls apart,

you're the reason I come home."

God and messy me

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 12:53:00 +0000

The last couple of days have been rough. Caleb got Madeline's cold which has made him struggle even more and my heart can only take so much of watching him have a hard time.

I typed out a loooooooong post yesterday. I might publish it later but it was written from a much sadder place than I normally write. (It contained only one reference to "The Bachelor.") I'm not sure if I'll publish it because it was pretty dramatic which I know is hard to believe because I never toss around theatrical statements here.

But truthfully, I was overwhelmed by wanting my baby to just breathe normally, my impatience to listen to Madeline the way she needs to be listened to, the state of my house, my inability to make important deadlines, my inbox, and I just wanted pull my life together.

(Not. Dramatic. At. All.)

While Madeline was at preschool yesterday, I sat on the couch in my state of overwhelmed-ness, holding my congested, wheezing baby, watching "Doc Martin" and reading through my reader. And smelling of spit-up.

I know some people don't understand social media and blogging and Twitter and all that but often, God uses those mediums to reach me while I'm isolated at home, nursing on the couch or taking a five-minute break in the kitchen. And yesterday He knew exactly what I needed to hear to grasp onto hope again.

1. Free pass by Heather of The Extraordinary Ordinary - If you're feeling like you can't do it all, please go read this post. Life is a mess. My life is a mess. I am so thankful God gives us a free pass in His sweeping grace. I am so thankful for reminders like this to just accept His grace and mercy and keep on trucking without trampling on His gifts. Also, this quote just might change my life: "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." And we all said, "AMEN."

2. "Pray all messy like." - Someone commented this phrase on Heather's post and it really resonated with me. When I'm desperate, I just start praying in my head and it truly comes out all messy like. I need to be reminded that this shouldn't make me feel like a poser Christian. God wants all of me and if my words tumble out quickly and sometimes don't make sense, then maybe I'm praying more honestly than if I slowed down and tried to sound like what I think a good Christian should sound like.

3. The Foxhole Prayer by Rachel of The Lazy Christian - I guess I always thought these type of prayers were just wrong (because, remember, I always want to be the good Christian girl with beautiful, eloquent prayers) but I love how Rachel points out that God loves it when we're willing to be honest and vulnerable with him. If my vulnerability comes out in a messy-like, desperate foxhole prayer, then God will still be there, still loving on me and maybe I'll come out of it knowing Him better because I've accepted His love and grace yet again. There's some quote out there that I'll totally screw up but I think it goes something like this: "We will never know Him until we know how desperately we need him." And that is what I need right now, God. Only God. God who loves desperate, messy me.

There is freedom from my overwhelmed-ness and everything else and this freedom is only in Jesus. I just need to stand in it and keep on pushing on.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free.

Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves

be burdened again by the yoke of slavery."

Galatians 5:1

Home is wherever I'm with you

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 20:47:00 +0000

Writing an update about Caleb’s hospitalization took longer than I thought but it’s because I’ve been snuggling with my babies, watching Super Bowl coverage, cutting red paper hearts and smacking kisses every chance I get.

Since I can be slightly long-winded, I’ll start with the end and say Caleb is doing great and we’re home.

Thursday was a roller-coaster day. Joe and I both woke up at 4:30 a.m. when Caleb woke to eat. His nurse said he had a great night and didn’t have any sleep apnea episodes. I was thrilled. Surely everything must be a mistake; he probably just had a bad sleep study on Tuesday night.

Joe and I couldn’t fall back asleep so our day had begun. We watched the thick fog roll in and cover Meridian Street. I read Isaiah 43 over and over again, remembering God’s faithfulness during my pregnancy with Caleb. (By faithfulness, I don’t mean the outcome but the fact that I was never alone.) We realized neither of us packed socks. We sipped grape juice and ate graham crackers. We watched “It’s a Brad Brad world.” We asked every person who entered the room if they thought something was wrong with our baby and what our day would look like.

On Wednesday night, our doctor had mentioned Caleb might need an MRI which would require him to be put under general anesthesia. I wanted answers but I really didn’t want that to happen.

I wanted answers but I just wanted to take him home.

Around 8 a.m., Caleb’s pediatrician came in to see our little guy. We pummeled him with questions but he hadn’t seen the sleep study results and couldn’t tell us much. He reassured us that Caleb is a strong baby and he was surprised to see us in the hospital.

We told him we were surprised too.

Around 10 a.m., we met the PICU doctor. He wanted a detailed history on everything Caleb. His first question: was it a normal pregnancy? Uh, no. How long has he been this noisy? Um…ever since I met my baby face-to-face.

Caleb’s history took forever to share but this doctor was so kind, so patient. We figured out his mom was my sophomore algebra teacher. (They have a unique last name.)

Finally we learned why everyone was so worried about our baby the night before. I asked if the sleep study could have been a mistake. The doctor gently said, “No. No, the results were impressive.” And I immediately knew impressive wasn’t a compliment.

On Tuesday night, Caleb had 200 sleep apnea episodes. He only slept five hours but stopped breathing 200 times. He experienced obstructive sleep apnea (something blocks the airway) and central sleep apnea (his brain doesn’t tell his body to breathe).

The good news (because only good news can follow a statement that bad) was each episode only lasted a few seconds and his oxygen levels remained high throughout the night.

So, you know, that was some good news.

Also, the hospital monitors were set up to catch sleep apnea episodes of longer than 10-15 seconds. So even though we thought Caleb didn’t have any episodes while in the hospital, he probably did but they weren’t sever enough for the monitors to catch them.

Slowly, it was beginning to all make sense.

The PICU doctor told us a Riley pulmonologist was looking over Caleb’s sleep study results and he would decide if any tests were necessary (especially the MRI) and what would happen next.

Around noon, we met the pulmonologist. He wanted to hear Caleb's history from us. Did we ever see Caleb turn blue? Thank God, no. Did we ever see him not breathe from 10, 15, even 30 seconds? Thank God, no!

This doctor explained everything looked awful for Caleb on paper. (In fact, the PICU doctor told us he hadn't seen such a bad sleep study in two years.) That's why they made us rush to the hospital when the initial results came in.

But the pulmonologist confirmed what we and Caleb's pediatrician have thought all along: Caleb is a strong, growing boy who has larynomalacia, bad reflux and super thick mucus. The doctor explained as long as Caleb has those three conditions swirling around, he would never have a normal sleep study. They will make him noisy and block his airway for a little bit at a time but it's nothing more serious.

Even though the sleep study showed central sleep apnea, sometimes laryngomalacia can make an obstructive episode appear central. The pulmonologist thought an MRI would be an unnecessary measure for a baby who is fine.

He said we could take home a sleep apnea monitor but if it made us more anxious or woke us up too often with false alarms, we could stop using it as long as Caleb continues to breathe and sleep like he does now.

I felt like I could breathe again.

Honestly, I felt like I could sleep again too. Even though we were still talking to the doctor, I wanted to curl up on the stiff, vinyl couch and pass out.

The doctor left and we ate lunch. I wanted to bury my face in all things dairy. (Hi, my name is Katie and I'm an emotional eater for chocolate, baked goods and heavy cream.) Instead I ate a grilled chicken sandwich.

We talked to both doctors some more.

A nurse ordered our home monitor and asked us to watch a CPR training video.

I took a blissful 30-minute nap.

We received in-depth training on the home monitor.

A nurse went over our discharge instructions.

I wanted everyone to please stop telling us how to dial 9-1-1 and do CPR at the same time.

By then, it was early evening and we packed up our precious baby and got out of Dodge.

We're doing really well at home. Caleb has slept great with the monitor, Joe and I are catching up on sleep and Madeline enjoying mucho Disney movies and PBS shows while resting with a bad cold.

We are so thankful for our sleepy baby.

An update on my little guy

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 12:30:00 +0000

Oh Turtle, your daddy and I love you so much.

The last 24 hours have been interesting. Caleb and I got home from his sleep study yesterday at 6 a.m. We were both pretty tired from the night before but I was glad to have it done and over with. The tech said it was successful but we wouldn't know any results for about two weeks.

We both fell back asleep, so grateful to be home. I slept for a bit and then called Caleb's doctor because a plugged tear duct got infected over the weekend and on Tuesday night, the pus had blood in it. (Sorry to be gross but it's important later on.)

I took Madeline to preschool and Caleb and I headed over to BSF. He slept through most of it and I was wishing I could do the same. Some days I want to be carried around in a giant car seat with a warm fleece cover. Yesterday was one of those days.

We picked up Madeline and Blake from preschool and headed to Blake's house for a bit while Jenn picked up her tickets to Jimmy Fallon. (So jealous.)

Before we went to the doctor's office, we had to stop at Target to pick up diapers.

Know what's the worst possible time to try out cloth diapers? It's when your baby starts having crazy, multicolored diarrhea from switching to a new medicine, gets an infected eye and then has a sleep study. So many diapers to be washed. So little time to wash them. Dumb timing.

At the appointment, the doctor confirmed that the infection was definitely worse and put him on a stronger antibiotic to clear it up quickly so the infection wouldn't travel to his ears or anywhere else.

When Joe got home at 5:30 p.m., I immediately handed off both kids and crashed into bed. I was wiped.

Then just after 6 p.m., I woke up to a call from Caleb's doctor. We had to go immediately to the hospital. The preliminary results of the sleep study had too many abnormalities for him to sleep unmonitored. It was shocking and initially felt devastating.

My parents picked up Madeline, we stuffed a few things in a bag, sped up the road in tears and walked into a room prepared for him, all within 45 minutes.

We felt better after talking to the doctor here. While his sleep study wasn't good, the actual numbers on the report (whatever they are for) weren't in the doctor's hand so no one knows how bad the study was. Also, if Caleb is fighting a virus because of the eye infection, the sleep study could be inaccurate. Staying at the hospital last night was more precautionary than anything else.

The good news is Caleb slept really well last night, had good oxygen levels and didn't have any sleep apnea episodes. I'm really really hoping it was just a bad study.

Right now, we're waiting for the actual study results to get to the pulmonologist at the hospital. We're also waiting to see if Caleb shows any other signs of fighting a virus.

Depending on the new information that's coming, he'll have tests run today and we might be here for a bit. We really just don't know at this point.

But thankfully, he's an overall strong and healthy boy. We are so so thankful for that.

Please pray for the doctors and wisdom for them to determine what to do, pray for Caleb to get better if he is fighting a virus and pray that Joe and I can clearly process everything they tell us.

I'll keep updating if I can when we get new information.

Love my Touchdown Turtle.

Put me in, coach

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 16:59:00 +0000

Sadly, Little Fussy Man is still making appearances around these parts.

Some days are better than others and some...well....just aren't much fun until he falls asleep. Little Fussy Man exerts a cry that exhausts me completely in just five minutes and makes me want to cry too.

Actually, forget "want to cry." I frequently cry right along with him.

This was earlier today:

This was after 45 minutes of not being able to calm him down and I needed to tap out.

Too bad Joe was at his office and couldn't declare "you've been fathered" to me.

But then this afternoon, we enjoyed a lovely walk around the neighborhood and Caleb was smitten with the outdoors.

He fell asleep on my chest and then slept two hours once we got back to the house.

Big nap? Hood with ears? Day redeemed!

This evening, he and I headed over to the hospital for a sleep study. Because of some of his breathing issues, our doctor wants to know if he is experiencing sleep apnea.

He was all smiles as we watched George Clooney on "Inside the Actor's Studio," waiting for him to be hooked up to the monitors.

Of course I couldn't capture the smiles on camera but they were radiant and he was making my heart melt.

But then came the monitors and out came Little Fussy Man. Or rather, Little Ticked Off, Madder than a Hatter Man.

It was not pleasant. It wasn't fun for anyone. I wanted to tap out again.

It's 11:54 p.m. and he finally stopped shuddering and fell asleep.

Turtle, I'm sorry you don't feel good and have to scream. If I could take it away, I would.

I hope you know that I love you when you're screaming and I love you when you're cooing.

I love you when it's sunny at 1 p.m. and I love you when it's pitch-black at 3 a.m.

I love you when you spit up again on my third shirt in just one morning and I love you when you sit there and stare at me.

You are worth it all. You are incredibly worth it all. I will not and could never tap out on you.

A girl's view of her daddy

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 05:16:00 +0000

To understand this conversation, you need to know two things.

1. Joe plays on a non-competitive basketball league through our church. In Madeline's eyes, he's a white LeBron James in a blue t-shirt.

2. Caleb is going to stay overnight in the hospital tomorrow for a sleep study and I'm staying with him the whole time.

Madeline: "I'm going to miss you. I wish you could stay home with me."

Me: "I know, honey but I'll be back before you wake up. Plus you get to stay home with Daddy!"

Madeline (whispers): "Wow. The basketball guy."

P.S. Sometimes I think Joe and I are practically one person, our interests and passions aligning and merging into one goal, one future.

Other times, I remember we are drastically two very different people.

Friday mail falls into the latter category.

I could eat this weekend with a spoon

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 03:40:00 +0000

We had a weekend that my dreams are made of. It was so perfect that I'm not even going to correct my flawed preposition.

Madeline spent Friday night with her Uncle Jon and Aunt Janna. Their Christmas presents are experiences instead of things and this year, they took her to Disney on Ice. Janna texted me this photo.

The jury is still out if she had fun or not.

Then it was back to their house for a sleepover. Or, more specifically, a sleepover in their bed. Because this little girl loves to cuddle and they have a hard time saying no even if their niece thrashes in her sleep like a killer whale chasing a minnow.

Joe and I remembered how life was with just one kid, specifically just one baby. We picked up Boogie Burger and cream soda and hopped in bed to catch up on Project Runway, Top Chef, It's a Brad, Brad World and The Soup. Caleb slept the whole time and never once asked for a fifth glass of water.

Have you had Boogie Burger? I dream about those fries.

On Saturday, we did nothing but relax and lounge around and then relaxed some more. Joe and Madeline watched "This Old House" while I finished "Peace Like a River."

You guys. I can't wait until January 2013 to tell you that this book is awesome. As I was reading this novel, I really really liked it. But then I read the last six pages and, oh my, I cried and fell IN LOVE with this book. Oh yes I did.

Back to Saturday. I spent the whole day in my pjs until I decided to shower at 5 p.m. I only did this because I needed to enter the World of Other People to grab the third season of Parks and Recreation before the library closed at 6 p.m.

Even though it was late, I felt like cooking a big meal and made a rare weekend feast of Caribbean jerk chicken, roasted asparagus, rice and French bread. (We normally eat sandwiches or quesadillas for dinner. Or cereal.) Even though we ate at 8 p.m., it was worth the wait. Madeline insisted on putting candles on the table and turning off the lights which just bumped the meal up to complete awesomeness.

All four of us went to her room to read another chapter of "Little House on the Prairie." I would love to see a Pa versus Jason Bourne match-up.

Then there was today. Before 7:15 a.m., I had already fed a baby, fed a 4 year old, started spicy pop pulled pork cooking in my slow-cooker and finished my BSF study for the day while Madeline read her library books next to me. It was one of those mornings when everything went perfectly and I felt like a woman who had it all together.

It lasted 45 minutes but I'll still claim it.

We even made it to the 9 a.m. service and walked in JUST AS THE MUSIC STARTED. You guys. We always, always walk in at least one song late, even when we go to the 11 a.m. service. More proof that this weekend was perfection on a stick.

We came home and exercised our right as parents to make our baby lip-sync to Louis Armstrong.

Handsome doesn't even touch these two.

We spent the day reading, watching football, eating pulled pork and napping.

Then Joe made popcorn on the stove and we had a dance party.

I so badly wanted to pick up the messy room before I took photos but hey. This is real life and I think I should captured it how it is, not how I want it to be.

Because real life is pretty sweet.

Even with a yellow plastic bag hanging on the swing.

And what did the other male our house think of all this hullabaloo? Well, he was thoroughly entertained.

Wouldn't you be amused too?

So Caleb got in on the action while Joe apparently wanted to wish world peace upon everyone.

They were dancing to a Seeds CD. We bought all six volumes as one of Madeline's Christmas gifts and I just love them. All the lyrics are taken directly from the Bible. One of my favorite songs is Psalm 46:1-2.

God is our refuge and strength

an ever-present help in trouble

Therefore we will not fear,

though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.

I love hearing Madeline sing these songs, knowing she's memorizing Scripture. I love singing them, knowing I'm repeating God's Word. I can't recommend these CDs enough.

They also make for some pretty killer dance parties.

Now Madeline's in bed, Caleb's about to wake up to eat one last time and there's still more pulled pork and sweet rolls and I'm waiting for this overtime game to end so I can watch a "Sherlock" episode with my husband.

Perfection on a stick.

Monday, you're gonna be rough.

We got smiles and almond milk over here

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 04:54:00 +0000

The only way I can think of starting this post is by sharing that I have discovered the joy that is "Parks and Recreation" and it's currently making my life complete.

Which is good because my life does not have cream cheese and butter so it was slightly lacking before Leslie Knope waltzed into my television screen.

I'm still going dairy-free because Caleb is doing much, much better and we're getting lots of smiles like this.

You know the phrase "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?" Well, that is a lie because peppermint hot chocolates, salt and vinegar chips and double-stuffed Oreos are DELICIOUS. But I discovered that "nothing tastes as good as a non-screaming baby sounds" is an absolute truth.

Also, I'm pretty sure eliminating dairy will bode very well for my New Year's goal of losing weight. I had no idea how much I snack and graze during the day until now because I can't eat my favorite foods. Or basically anything in the cupboards.

It really hasn't been as bad as I thought. (Although watching Leslie constantly eat the whipped cream off her coffees makes me weak in the knees.) I do miss dairy but my personality has always been better at "elimination" than "moderation."

Tell me I can't have any dairy and I'll whine but be fine.

Tell me I can only have three crackers with a cream cheese-based dip and I'll lose complete control and end up licking the bowl.

But enough about me and my love affair with all things dairy.

Have you ever seen anything this cute?

What about now?

I know. The adorableness factor is out of control.

4 years and 2 months

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:30:00 +0000

(I looked back through my draft posts and saw this little gem back in July, hence the title even though Madeline is much closer to 5 than 4 now. I don't know why I didn't publish it; I think it has to be shared.)

Me: "What do you want for breakfast?"

Madeline: "Toast, pie and pickles."

Me: "No. That's not a good breakfast. What do you want?"

Madeline: "OK. Pie and pickles."

I watch lots of TV but I do still read

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 04:09:00 +0000

Last January, I saw that some of my favorite bloggers have an annual tradition of listing all the books they read the prior year and sharing their favorites. I had never really thought about keeping track of what I read but it made total sense for me because when someone asked for a book recommendation, I typically can't thing of anything. Even the last book I read.

So this year, I kept a running list of the books I read, whether I enjoyed them or not.And it was very interesting to go back and read through the list. Clearly I read mainly fiction but I think it's interesting that most of my favorite books were non-fiction. Maybe I should pick up biographies more often.

Sidenote: I did not include books I read last year that I had previously read. Some people don't understand rereading books but I love to read my favorites over and over again. Which explains why I reread the entire Harry Potter series (again) and Pride and Prejudice among other books this year.

If you are looking for any recommendations, these were my top five favorite reads last year:

What's So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey

I hardly ever buy books and instead just use the good ole library system. But if I read a really, really good book, then I have to buy it because I like to read my favorites over and over again. (cough cough Harry Potter cough) After I read this book, I immediately bought it and read it again just so I could highlight and mark up my own copy. I filled my journal with quotes from it. I wanted to discuss it with anyone else who had read it. I explained entire chapters to Joe. (I was a bit obsessed with it.) If you only read one book this year and want my input, pick this one up. And then call me to discuss it.

Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman

I love this book because I want to live my life with faith like Mary Beth. She has taken crazy risks and accepted challenges throughout her marriage because she trusts God in the big things and the little things. When I finished reading, I thought, "this is how I want to mother." She loves her kids hard. Her perspective on adoption and grief challenged my own perspective and as soon as I finished reading, I immediately recommended it to several friends so I could discuss something of her thoughts with them.

Why I Stayed by Gayle Haggard

I have to include this book in my top five because months later, I still think back to it when I'm dealing with some people and situations. Gayle Haggard is the wife to pastor Tim Haggard, who was the center of a gay sex and drug scandal back in 2006. In this book, she articulates why she never thought about leaving her husband. Her view on grace and forgiveness blew my mind. Just writing this recap of it makes me think all over again how I view God's grace and forgiveness.

The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins

Even though I kept hearing about this series, I didn't want to read it because a) I'm not into futuristic plots and b) kids having to kill other kids doesn't appeal to me. At all. But when I finally picked it up, I was gripped and read all three books within four days. So, yeah. It's pretty good. If you want to read it, just clear your schedule ahead of time.

The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory

Yes, I realize reading this book in 2011 makes me nine years late for the party since it was published in 2002 and was a super big hit and all. But you guys. This book is soooo good, all 672 pages of it. It was one that made me miss the characters when I finally finished it because I felt like they were part of my life. (Too much honesty?)

Katie's 2011 Book List

Crazy Love by Francis Chan

What's So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey

Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin

The Associate by John Grisham

The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen

Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard

Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman

One in a Million by Pricilla Shirer

The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Stieg Larsson

The Girl Who Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson

The Mother Tongue by Bill Bryson

Uncharted TerriTORI by Tori Spelling

Mini Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella

Millie's Fling by Jill Mansell

Bossypants by Tina Fey

The Diana Chronicles by Tina Brown

The King's Speech by Mark Logue and Peter Conrad

Morning Glory by Diana Peterfreund

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

One Thousand Gifts by Anne Voskamp

Why I Stayed by Gayle Haggard

Bringing Up Girls by James Dobson

Miss Julia Throws A Wedding by Ann B. Ross

Something Blue by Emily Giffin

Unplanned by Abby Johnson

What Women Fear by Angie Smith

From This Moment On by Shania Twain

The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency by Alexander McCall

Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman

The Pioneer Woman: Black Heels to Tractor Wheels by Ree Drummond

Because lists are easy

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 02:13:00 +0000

I eluded Joe and Madeline's stomach bug all week but it finally caught up with me. I've been up since 1 a.m. but I can't complain since I managed to grab an incredibly restful and healing one-hour nap this afternoon. Joe thinks I'm enjoying this sickness since I watched three episodes of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" during the night.

(He's almost right. Camille is cuh-razy and incredibly entertaining because she's just so unbelievabe.)

So here's a list of everything on my mind right now.

1. Caleb's fussiness is turning into a more permanent house guest (much like Cedric in Beverly Hills) so we went back to the doctor today. Thankfully he's still gaining weight despite some pretty weak-sauce feedings so we upped his medicine and I'm going dairy-free for the next two weeks to see if that helps.

My first reaction to no dairy was "Oh, OK. No big deal." And while I'm willing to do anything for my baby, I've been realizing all afternoon...um... I really love dairy.

Because, you guys. I eat it in every meal. All. The. Time.

I slathered all Mexican dishes with sour cream and Monterey jack. I only like pasta with heapings of mozzerella or ricotta. I like both my eggs and toast to have butter. I will only drink tea with half and half or cream.

But to decrease the screams, I'll eliminate anything. I just need you to hold my hand for the next 14 days.

2. Sometimes parenting makes me feel like a flake. I've cancelled on so many friends and get-togethers during the last two months. I know everyone understands but it still bothers me. I'm guessing this doesn't end until the kids become adults.

3. Madeline is super inquisitive about Joe's job. She asks me frequently what daddy's doing at work and I normally say that he designs parks because it's the simplest answer for a very misunderstood profession. Then one day while talking to Joe, she said, "Daddy? You know how you design parks? I don't know what that is. What is design a park?"

So he took her to work for a morning.

But after spending time in the office, I still don't think she knows what design a park means because it has nothing to do with watching cartoons.

4. Because I just can't move on, I checked out "Friday Night Lights" from the library. As in the book. It's interesting so far but I still miss Coach and Tami Taylor.

5. A new year makes me feel so hopeful and inspired with a clean slate and fresh start. So far, this feeling has come out in a purging craze. When it comes to anything with sentimental attachment, I kinda border on hording.

Confession: I haven't gotten rid of any of Madeline's clothes. Like, from newborn until now. But I decided that if baby number two was a boy, I would go through the clothes and force them from the basement.

Yesterday (before my insides decided they wanted to be on the outside) I went through three tubs, two laundry baskets and three trash bags of girl clothes and filled eight trash bags for donation. I allowed myself to fill only one tub with Madeline's clothes. I actually did it and looking back, I wish I had eaten a stick of butter in celebration because I didn't know then it would be my forbidden fruit today.

Up next: the toy situation. Which means I'll emerge in 2013 because wowzers. It's bad.

6. Our Christmas tree was thrown away last week but the rest of our decorations are still up. Don't judge me. They might be up until Valentine's Day.

You've been fathered

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 04:02:00 +0000

I want to write this post as quickly as possible. I've been wanting to blog all week but was too tired every evening. Tonight is a perfect time to write because Joe is hanging out with friends and both kiddos are sleeping and it's only 8 p.m.

BUT, I also have four episodes of "Tori and Dean's Home Sweet Hollywood" just begging to be watched. So, write quickly I must.

It's been quite a week. It's one of those weeks where I feel I have nothing to show for my time except two kids who are still alive at the end of each day. That counts for something, right? Joe and Madeline got hit by a stomach bug over the weekend so Madeline stayed home an extra day from preschool. She was grieved to discover the next day that she missed a snowman craft.

Ya'll, this girl loves her some crafts. I don't have a single crafty bone in my body so I immensely grateful when her very thoughtful teacher gave me three paper plates stapled together and a baggie of ribbon and buttons for Madeline to make her snowman at home.

Because my idea of a crafty snowman involves printer paper and crayons, a far cry from ribbon and buttons and glue.

The real story this week is this guy, Touchdown Turtle.

I mentioned before that Caleb is a noisy, messy little dude. Even in the hospital, he was a noisy breather and when he eats, it can be heard throughout the greater Indianapolis area.

Well, last week we noticed he was having a hard time breathing so I took him in to see the doctor. The pediatrician wanted Caleb to be seen by an ENT who diagnosed him with laryngomalacia. In short, the insides of his esophagus are floppy, causing obstruction of his airway and reflux issues.

It's a common condition, resolves on its own by 18 - 24 months and shouldn't be an issue for him if we keep him upright as much as possible and get the reflux taken care of with some antacid medicine.

Now I think we can all come together and admit I don't handle medical issues with ease and dignity. I come from a long line of overreacters and that gene definitely did not skip my DNA.

So the whole "obstruction of his airway?" Yeah, that kinda made me blink a couple times.

(Also, I made the grave error of watching Natalie Portman's "The Other Woman" a couple weeks ago and had no idea it centered on a newborn who died from SIDS. I sobbed while clutching Caleb. Mothers of small babies, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. You have my permission to watch it later in life but, for the love of all that is fluffy and cheery in life, do not watch it now.)

I just have to remind myself that there are million worse pediatric conditions and diseases and my baby is FINE.

The worse part is that the medicine takes a little while to kick in and help with the reflux and Caleb sometimes has a hard time eating and breathing at the same time. This makes Little Fussy Man appear.

And when Little Fussy Man is around, the whole house is sad.

Little Fussy Man is rarely captured in pictures because I focus instead on getting him to calm down. But sometimes, the legend, the myth, the Little Fussy Man is captured.

Exhibit A: Christmas morning with my in-laws

Everyone looks happy and cheerful, right?

Take a closer look. Little Fussy Man came out.

He's had a couple of rough nights this week but the silver lining is I'm completely caught up on this season of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta."

Thankfully, Madeline is totally unfazed by his bouts of unhappiness. I keep waiting for her to get upset by the screaming, feel jealous I'm spending a lot of time caring for him or demand more attention. But she's a rock star big sister and I'm so proud of her and incredibly thankful that she has handled this transition so well.

My poor tired brain can't think of any examples but she has made me laugh so many times this week. Her sense of humor is just killer and with her looks and brains, she's a triple threat.

As for the title of this blog post? Many, MANY times this week, I've tried to calm Caleb down by doing everything I can think of. The second Joe takes him, Caleb immediately calms down.

Then Joe looks at me and declares, "You've been fathered." I'm not sure if that's enjoyable to anyone else but it makes me laugh every time.

And then I go to Caleb's room, close the door and sob in the rocking chair, wondering why I can't calm my own flesh and blood.

(I'm totally kidding about that last part. I don't sob in the rocking chair. Sometimes I cry on the floor while holding his blankie.)

Here's hoping the weekend is filled with merriment, cream soda and naps enjoyed by all.

Christmas and then some

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 05:23:00 +0000

We had a wonderful Christmas and New Year. I just love spending time with my family and I love holidays. I don't want it to end and, thanks to the stomach flu for Joe, it kinda feels like it's not ending tomorrow because he's staying home one more day.

Yay for me! (Worst wife ever, I know.)

When I last left this blog, we were doing something like this:

I like that this photo makes it look like we visited a sweet little corner tree stand with sweet bulb light strands.

It's actually just Lowe's. Just the place where you can build stuff together. They have cheap trees.

Since then we turned that tree into this:

This was Christmas morning. I wanted one picture of my two adorable kids together. Instead I got my four-year-old and an angry elf.

Right now, the tree still has lights and ornaments but it's also incredibly dead. We should throw it away but despite the brittle needles and fire hazard status, the lights at night are still my favorite.

(I'm also still listening to Christmas music. I have a hard time letting go and moving on.)

Back to Christmas morning. We don't have many good shots of all the action and this one is terribly blurry but I love the emotions in it.

She and I love to talk and get excited. I love the quote "we could talk or not talk for hours..." but for Madeline and I, we always have something to say.

We opened our stockings, opened our presents and ate a big breakfast before heading out to grandparents' homes for the rest of the day.

Trying to do our own family Christmas morning plus hitting up both of our parents' homes makes for one long day but it's so worth seeing everyone.

However, we do sleep very, very well that night.

And I know the photos don't show it but I promise Joe and Caleb were present on Christmas. Promise.

When people ask me how Madeline feels about Santa Claus, I want to whip out this picture of when Santa arrived Madeline's preschool:

She believes. Oh yes, she believes.

We got our first real snowfall last week.

Madeline thoroughly enjoyed it.

I was thankful Caleb was passed out in a deep nap so I could spend some good (but chilly) time with my girl.

Back inside, Madeline has been loving all her spoils/gifts from her very loving grandparents, aunts and uncles.

I had to snap this picture because this was Madeline's lemonade stand. She wanted Joe and I pay with her library card and each time we made a purchase, she asked for our email address and phone number. This girl knows how the checkout process goes when shopping.

Please note the ginormous coloring HOUSE in the background which takes up a third of our living room. Also? She's reading the Lifesavers box. LOVE. HER.

Caleb's been doing pretty well. He had a checkup just before Christmas and keeps gaining weight like a champ.

I'm convinced Turtle stores it all in his cheeks.

For the first time ever, I did not stay up for midnight on New Year's Eve. I've always watched the ball drop and since I've known Joe Mayes, I've always gotten a kiss at midnight.

But I just didn't have it in me this year. Everything started out so normal. Joe and I had our traditional NYE cheese fondue, peppered salami, sushi and Pinot (which I sadly didn't drink this year). We watched "The Bourne Ultimatum and started an episode of "Midsomer Murders" which should have taken us well past midnight. But at 11 p.m., Joe turned to me and said, "I think bed sounds better."

And I totally agreed.

After I drank my prune juice and smeared some Ben-Gay, I checked my phone during Caleb night feeding and found a text message from my mom. She texted me at 12:15 a.m. to wish us a happy New Year.

That's right. I got shown up by my mom. Not only did she stay up way later than me, she was awake and alert enough to text. It's a sad state of exhausted affairs over here. But hey, we felt great when we woke up on Sunday morning.

Totally worth it, prune juice and all.

Caleb: One month

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 01:54:00 +0000

Caleb, today you are one month old. I've held you in my arms for 28 days now but I have prayed for you and over you with my hand on my belly for so much longer.

You are our little dude. Not thinking about it, I called you dude from the start and your daddy made fun of me. So I upped the ante by calling you Turtle and now that nickname has stuck with me.

One day, you'll see how newborns stretch. The legs curl up, the feet turn in, both arms stretch high above the head and the hands ball into little fists. It's one of my favorite things about a fresh baby.

When you do it, I call you Touchdown Turtle and my heart melts.

You were born hungry and wanting to eat every three hours on the dot. For four weeks, that hasn't changed. I'm so grateful breastfeeding has worked so easily because it is such a sweet, tender time for me.

You are a noisy, messy eater. I don't know if it's because you're a boy but I can tell you your sister wasn't like this at all. I laugh nearly every time I lift you up after you eat because I'm just amazed at how messy and drippy your face can be.

And it's impossible to feed you discreetly because you make noises as if I haven't fed you for two years.

When you were born, you weighed 8 pounds, 7 ounces. When we left the hospital four days later, you weighed 7 pounds, 6 ounces. You lost quite a bit but you and I were both carrying extra fluid so the doctor wasn't worried. Four days later, you were back up to 7 pounds, 13 ounces.

Seven ounces in four days? Yeah, the doctor wasn't worried at all about you gaining weight. And he hasn't even seen your face after you've gobbled down a meal.

Caleb, you are a fantastic sleeper. You've never slept shorter than three hours at night and I'm so thankful for that. I wasn't sleeping very well before you were born and since you joined the world, I've been sleeping wonderfully. Thank you, son.

At the hospital, everyone noticed that you have a super strong neck. Less than 24 hours after you were born, you started picking your head to turn from side to side. You didn't want to miss anything and if you heard your dad talking on the other side of the room, you would pick your head up off my chest and turn towards his voice. It was amazing. You still want to take everything in and will do pushups on our chests when we hold you.

Your dad and I were absolutely thrilled when we learned you were a boy. However, having a daughter first means there is a learning curve when it comes to changing your diapers. And right now we're pretty bad at it. We're trying to go quicker but we still take a long time and you used to scream for most of the change. You are doing much better at getting your diaper changed and I think your parents are too. All I can say is we're working on it, Turtle.

Actually, this whole parenting thing? We're working on it too, Turtle. But always know we just love you to bits.

Sometimes you just need to cry

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 04:30:00 +0000

My friend Bridget, a Linden Lady, sent me the world's best clip. It combines so many, many things that I love.

1. Adele's "Someone Like You"

2. "Friday Night Lights" finale reference

3. Haagen Dazs

4. Coldplay

5. Hilarity

The timing of this clip couldn't be better as Joe and I watched the finale of "Friday Night Lights" just last night and are mourning the end of the series. I wanted to shout "Texas forever" and go to Applebee's when it was done.

Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can't lose.

"Everyone with a heart and an iTunes account has done this.

So I know it. I get it. And I want in."

Thank you, Bridge. Thank you.

P.S. If you want a good read, Bridget's last post made me laugh ridiculously hard. Don't you agree with me that she should blog more often??

This is real life

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:27:00 +0000

Caleb is going to be a month old on Tuesday. I'm really not sure how we got here. Time flies when you're in love which is exactly how we're living right now.

We spend most of our days holding this new baby and playing fort and pirate ship with the big sister. I'm learning the new two-kid routine of getting out the door for preschool, running errands and finding time for a nap. Because no matter what, mama's gotta nap.

So far the transition has not been as bad as I thought. Based on people's warnings of going from one to two kids, I was preparing myself for the seventh circle of hell. So maybe the adjustment has been good based on my incredibly low and fearful expectations but I'll take it either way.

It probably also helps that my recovery is about 40,000 times easier than my recovery with Madeline. I remember not wanting to move or laugh for all of May, June and July 2007.

But whether it's because of the c-section, my second kid, looking forward to "Friday Nights Lights" every evening or because I felt so awful for the last trimester, this recovery has been a walk in the park and I will be forever grateful for that.

Madeline has a little brother and sometimes I want to pinch myself to make sure this is real life. And it is. This is real life for us.

She loves to "babysit" Caleb when I'm in the shower or in another room. She coos over him and thinks every inch of him is cute.

One time she walked into the room and whimpered, "Ooohhh, look at his cute little armpits." True story.

Who says that? My daughter, that's who.

Madeline is in love with "knock, knock" jokes right now. She is surprisingly good at making them up. She tells them all the time and wants to hear them from Joe and I too.

A Madeline original:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Soap.
Soap who?
Soap aren't you glad you don't have to wash Santa's sleigh?

Joe and I are awful at making them up. Which is why Joe googled jokes earlier today during a marathon session.

We aren't doing much these days other than being a family. And that is just fine with me.

All of these photos were taken by my sister-in-law Jenny who runs Junebug Images. That's why they're all so pretty. She also got me a subscription to People magazine for Christmas which is just the final proof that she rocks.

Joy and happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:32:00 +0000

Right now, I'm loving all of this.

1. Caleb smiles all the time. Go ahead and tell me it's just gas or reflexes. I don't care. My son smiles at me and I get to see his sleepy face light up throughout the day.

2. Madeline sings Christmas songs around the house now. Her little voice, getting most of the words wrong, makes me so happy. She's like her daddy who sings around the house and that makes me happy too.

3. My Pandora is set on Mariah Carey's Christmas station. I have no shame in admitting this is just so I can hear "All I Want For Christmas," both her version and the one from "Love Actually."

4. If Caleb develops a bald patch on the front left side of his head, it's because I am physically incapable of not stroking it.

5. Joe brought home a big bag of peanut M&M's when I was having a bad day three days ago. The bag is empty tonight.

6. Last summer and fall, I shopped for 0-3 month gender-neutral onesies at Goodwill. This week, I got to look for BOY clothes. It thrilled my soul.

7. Madeline is making Christmas gifts for us in her preschool. It's supposed to be a surprise but it is just killing her to not tell us. This might make me a bad mom but her agony cracks me up.

8. Joe really is the funniest guy alive. He and Madeline went to his sister's concert while I stayed home with Caleb. He texted me the best one-liners throughout the evening, tying together high school show choir and "Friday Night Lights" references. It was brilliantly executed and I wanted to stand up in the living room and applaud him.

9. McDonald's has small peppermint hot chocolates for $1 until December 5. I'm addicted. I plan on buying one every day until then. I may or may not have bought two at one time this week because the small just wasn't going to cut it.

10. Hayley's guest post at The Nester, Favorite Thiiiiiiings, makes me want to throw a party. Seriously, is that not the best idea ever? Even though I'm in no shape to throw a party and should probably focus on, you know, cleaning my baseboards or something, I want to do this. Maybe next Christmas when I'm not tied to my white couch, breastfeeding and watching a bunch of teenage football players.

11. It might be weird to make an 11-point list but I just to mention this: I can bend over and TOUCH THE GROUND! You have no idea how amazing this is. I can pick stuff up off the floor. I can use the dustpan. Sometimes I reach down to touch the ground JUST BECAUSE I CAN and that is happiness beyond belief. I will never take that motion for granted again.

It's been a fortnight

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:22:00 +0000

(I just love being able to appropriately use "fortnight.")

Here are my kids on Thanksgiving morning.

(I just love saying "my kids," emphasis on kidSSSSSSSSS.)

If Madeline looks concerned, it's because she was watching the Spiderman Musical routine on the parade and, believe me, it was concerning. I don't blame her for not being able to tear her eyes away yet be dismayed at the same time.

Caleb turned two weeks old yesterday and no, I cannot believe it either.

He and I spend most of our days like this:

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then this image should wax poetic about how I've been able to put away two entire seasons of "Friday Night Lights" in just 10 days. Breastfeeding will create space for mucho TV time.

Have any of you watched this show? I'm addicted. After picking up Madeline today from preschool, we drove directly to a different library branch just so I could pick up seasons three and four. Because Mama needs more Coach and Tami Taylor in her life.

I really should pace myself because the series ends at season five but I think this blog has really captured my complete lack of self-control when it comes to TV on DVD.

When Madeline was born, I burned through Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, Laguna Beach, Grey's Anatomy and Arrested Development. Only quality television for my babies.

If Caleb and I aren't on the white couch cheering for Saracen and Riggins and, of course, Coach and Tami, then we probably look like this:

I hold my babies. A lot. I don't think it spoils them. I'm also just pretty incapable of putting a baby, sleeping or awake, down. Babies grow way too quickly and I want to spend every second I can holding them, rubbing their soft, downy skin and kissing their soft heads.

When I need to get stuff done, I stick Caleb in my mei tei. In this, he can still be my personal little space heater with a super soft, smell-good head but my hands are free. It's been worth every penny.

Once Madeline goes to bed, my evenings have been spent with these two guys:

This is why I love the first few weeks with a newborn. We don't do anything but stare at our baby and watch TV. It is a very, very sweet time and I'm just soaking it in.

Wouldn't you spend every minute looking at this little face?

We've able to sit and stare at Caleb because we have amazing family and friends who have been making us meals and meals and meals. We have just been dumped on with love.

The night we came home from the hospital, my mom dropped off this meal. It deserved a picture.

There's so much more to say but I'm exhausted after spending the evening watching Survivor, New Girl and two Conans. And I still have "Friday Night Lights" season three to turn on...

A girl and her baby brother

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 17:04:00 +0000

Joe, Caleb and I were still sleeping this morning when I woke up to the familiar sound of Madeline's little feet hurrying to our room.

She made a beeline straight to the still bassinet and peered in.

"Oh, look at his cute little eyes, Mama. They're still closed."

After he woke up, Joe carried Caleb to his room and she followed.

"Daddy, I have a baby brother!"

She has said this approximately 60 times in the last five days. She is enamored with having Caleb here at last and especially loves having a brother.

We came home from the hospital yesterday. Joe helped settle Caleb and me before leaving to pick up Madeline from my aunt's house.

On the way back, she just wanted to know how her baby was doing.

"Do I get to go see my baby brother?"

"Is my baby brother at home?"

"Is my baby brother in his crib?"

When she walked in, she headed right to Caleb and cooed, "Oooh, my cute baby brother."

And then my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.

During the whole pregnancy, Madeline really wanted to buy things for the baby. We bought a few gifts but I told her once the baby was born and we knew boy or girl, then she could buy her own present for the baby.

After Caleb was born, my parents took Madeline shopping and she picked out this dog. She named him Blue.

She is convinced that Blue makes Caleb very happy and is always concerned about keeping Blue close to him. (Joe and I always have to watch for Blue being too close at times.)

It is a gift to watch her love on him.

His name

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 21:56:00 +0000

Caleb Lamont

"Caleb \c(a)-leb\ pronounced KAY-leb. It is of Hebrew origin and the meaning of Caleb is "faith, devotion, wholehearted."

If you asked me a month ago if we would name our son Caleb, I probably would have told you not likely. I've always liked the name and it was on The Very Long List but it wasn't a top contender.

But as these last few weeks went by introducing even more scary risks for a high-fluid delivery, I started reading Numbers 13 and 14 and Isaiah 43 daily to remind myself of God's never-ending faithfulness.

And then I just fell in love with the idea of claiming a name that reflects His promise to always remain faithful.

In Numbers, God has already rescued His people, the Israelites, from Egyptian slavery and is leading them to a wonderful new land. He promised they would live there. It was already theirs; they just had to reach it. When they were close, God asks Moses to send 12 leaders to scout out the new land. He reiterates it's just to explore.

"The LORD said to Moses, "Send some men to explore the land of Canaan, which I am giving to the Israelites."
13: 1- 2

The 12 men leave to explore and came back with their reports. Ten men only focus on the negative.

"They gave Moses this account: 'We went into the land to which you sent us...the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large...we can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are.'”
13: 27, 28, 31

Undaunted, faithful and wholeheartedly trusting in God, Caleb speaks up. Even though he saw the same scary people. Even though he is speaking against the majority.

"Then Caleb silenced the people before Moses and said, 'We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.'"

13: 30

But the Israelites freak out. They only think about the scariness of entering this land, the place God promised. They chose fear over God's promise.

Caleb and Joshua do not. They totally and completely believe God when He says they can do it, even if God's promise contradicts what they saw with their own eyes.

The freaked-out Israelites spend the night weeping in fear so the next day, Caleb and Joshua speak up again. And their words are strong.

"Do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will devour them. Their protection is gone, but the LORD is with us. Do not be afraid of them."

14:9

But the Israelites still don't trust God's word of promise and now they want to actually kill Caleb and Joshua for not reacting just like them. At this point, God is angry.

"The LORD said to Moses, 'How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the signs I have performed among them?'"

14:11

He has already displayed His power and strength but only two people believe His words when faced with overwhelming odds.

The result? God forgives the people because of His great love but there is a consequence: none of these people will enter the promised land. Not one. Their kids will get to live in this amazing place but their parents won't because of their unfaithfulness and choosing to not trust God.

BUT, Caleb and Joshua will. Because of their faithfulness and trust when staring at an overwhelming, scary situation, God has enormous blessings for them and their families.

"But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it."

14:24

Every night, I finish my bedtime prayer with Madeline with "Help us love you more and more every day."

Now I get to pray this over and with Caleb. "Lord, help him and me love you more and more every day." If I had to summarize my prayer with one word, it would be "wholehearted."

Caleb, the wholehearted.

Oh, Jesus, may he follow you wholeheartedly.

The middle name. Lamont is for Joe's dad and his grandpa who passed away this spring.

His dad passed away 12 years ago when Joe was 16. I never knew him but many members of my family did. And whenever someone talks about his dad, they always sincerely describe him the exact same way, "He was the kindest man you would ever meet."

I would never want to rewrite my relationship with Joe but if given the choice, I would have loved to have met him earlier, just so I could have known his dad. Now I would also love for Madeline and Caleb to know him.

The Lamonts who are now with Jesus were men who loved God and loved everyone around them. They were men of prayer. They were men who didn't care what other people thought of them; they just followed God. They were a lot like Caleb of the Bible.

So my itty-bitty Caleb Lamont, there's a whole lot of special meaning packed into the 11 letters of your name. Your daddy and I will pray every day in faith that you will live out your name.

We pray you will faithfully follow Jesus with your whole heart because He is the only One who loves you more than we do.

My beautiful things

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 09:51:00 +0000

We had a baby yesterday.

His name is Caleb Lamont Mayes and he is perfection wrapped up in a polka-dot blanket under a thick head of dark hair.

He arrived at 8:39 a.m., weighing in at 8 pounds, 7 ounces and stretching to 21.5 inches.

He is healthy and strong and my heart was immediately filled with the goodness of knowing my baby is safe.

We couldn't hold him right away but he instantly stopped crying when Joe spoke to him.

He knows his daddy and his daddy loves his son.

And then there's this little girl.

She is beyond thrilled to finally see and touch and hold her baby brother.

This is my family. This is my heart.

We have a son named Caleb and we are completely smitten.

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us."

Get the girl a card

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 05:00:00 +0000

This week, we celebrated a huge milestone for Madeline: her first library card. She tells everyone she's old enough for her own card because she's 4 years old and a responsible preschooler.

I don't have the heart to tell her she could have gotten one much earlier. She just now got it because, after exactly 53 months, mama finally bought a copy of her birth certificate which is a requirement for a kids library card and *cough cough* kindergarten applications.

She was so excited to have her own card and insisted on checking out her books all by herself.

She takes this new-found responsibility very seriously.

Before we left, she threw her arms around my belly, pressed her face into it, looked up at me and said, "You're the best mom EVER."

It made for a semi-noisy scene in a quiet library but I totally didn't mind. I threw it right back at her and quietly yelled, "You're the best kid EVER."

Because she totally is and I want her to always know that, with or without library rules.

Playing Zebra in her wigwam

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 05:00:00 +0000

This week, Madeline has been learning all about Native Americans in preschool. The classroom has been transformed with two big tee-pees, several bear skin rugs and even a real lit (with electricity) fire in the middle.

One of my favorite times of day are the few minutes in the car right after I pick her up. She chatters on and on about what she learned, what she did and who she played with at school.

I love to just take it all in. Her kiddie voice. Her expressions. Her wild hand movements.

This week, I've been hearing all about rain sticks, buffalo and songs about wigwams.

According to her teacher, Indiana names are determined by 1) your favorite activity to do with her and 2) your favorite animal.

Hence, Madeline is Playing Zebra, Joe is Playing Lion and I am Listening Dog.

Even though I do love dogs the most, I really should have rethought my answer since I now have to answer when she calls out "Listening Dog!" 20 times a day.

On Thursday night, we picked up the new crib and Madeline and Joe assembled it together while I put my feet up for the 5,000th time. ("Together" has an open-ended definition in that sentence.) When Madeline lost interest about 15 seconds in, Joe offered to make a wigwam out of the big box. Madeline's response was something like, "SQUUUEEEEAAAAAHHHHHYEEEESSSSSSS."

Which is why she's currently sleeping in a bed like this:

She went to bed really late that night because we were having a blast just hanging out as a family.

I found myself wondering what in the world Joe and I did in the evenings before she came along.

She makes every aspect of our lives so much more fun.

Week 37

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 03:54:00 +0000

I haven't been posting recently because Blogger wouldn't let me add photos and I've suddenly turned into a person who doesn't want to blog without photos.

Who am I and what happened to camera-less Katie??

I took this photo on Monday when the baby and I turned 37 weeks.

(If you've been paying attention to previous belly shots, you might notice the background is different. Our door mirror got rearranged to make room for the new aquarium. More on that later.)

Week 37 shall go down as the week when my belly was too big for any shirt, even the amazing Gap maternity tank tops which have sustained me to this point.

I have worn a dress over pants every day since last Friday. I have a huge fear of showing my pale, stretch-marked skin and would rather look like a dressy pants fool than flash a little (or lot) of belly.

I will remember this as the week when I desperately wanted to burn every pair of pants and sock that I own and scream at the sky for sending down snowflakes, forcing me to wear pants and socks.

I'm just really over pants and socks at this point.

This week, I realized that baby will probably be very familiar with four voices: mine, Joe's, Madeline's and Conan O'Brien's. Joe and I watch Conan every night before we fall asleep and I think there's now a strong chance this child might find his voice as comforting as mine.

We had an ultrasound on Monday and got to see the adorable smooshed little face again. Baby Rockne weighed in around 9 pounds, 9 ounces and the fluid level is about the same at 35.

Sidenote: I got really excited that the fluid level was one point lower than the previous ultrasound. The technician just laughed at me and said, "Well, that's one way to look at high fluid." But I was happy the number didn't increase for the first time in this pregnancy.

At my appointment on Tuesday, we had all good results yet again: low blood pressure, great baby heart rate and zero dilation. When I told my doctor that I thought it was great that the fluid level decreased, he also laughed.

Apparently, I'm easily thrilled due to my immense lack of medical knowledge.

Because of all the fluid, the baby is still able to move and change positions to his/her heart's content. While we want the baby to once and for all put the head down and stay down, I LOVE all the movement. I love feeling the movement. I love watching the movement. I love when someone else can place their hand on belly and feel the life inside.

When this pregnancy is over, I will not miss the aching bones when I stand upright. I will not the heartburn. I will not miss my swollen feet that make strangers gasp. But I will miss feeling a baby inside me, turning and punching and swimming and moving.

I am so thankful.

I am so thankful that God allowed me to carry this child for this long.

I am so thankful.

The Last Supper Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Katie @ Heart Gone Walking) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 05:12:00 +0000

Madeline had an awesome, laid-back weekend which included plenty of princess play time and a Happy Meal picnic with Joe.

If she ever tries to tell me her childhood wasn't fun, I will whip out this photo faster than she can cry, "OH YEAH, NOW I REMEMBER!"

Joe and I had a great weekend too but it wasn't very laid-back. We're really feeling like this baby could come at any time and I kept thinking," Is this our last weekend as a family of three?"

In addition to put the house back together, finishing Madeline's new big girl room and setting up the nursery, Joe decided to also set up a 55-gallon aquarium.

What can I say? We like to go big with home changes.

Thanks to Joe, our house is really coming back together after mucho painting, sawing and rearranging. You know the end is near because we finally bought the crib tonight. It won't come in for another week but this is how we like to parent: by the seat of our pants.

While Joe was slaving away at home, I had a weekend of partying. Up first, Joe's cousin Christina and the Mayes cousins threw a non-baby shower for Baby Rockne on Saturday.

We were so blessed with tons of gifts when I was pregnant with Madeline and I didn't need another shower with gifts. But Christina insisted on still celebrating with a "no gifts, no fun" party.

So, of course, we took a picture to demonstrate exactly how much fun we were NOT having. There was zero laughing, zero story-telling and especially zero Pinterest sharing going on the ENTIRE time.

My favorite is Erin's thumbs-down because the downward thumb really is the perfect way to welcome a little life into this world.

Also, please drink in the edible line-up. These ladies know how to bring the carbohydrates. There was nary a fruit in sight and it was glorious

Janna made a pumpkin custard pie for the event. You might think the B's are for baby but you would be wrong.

B is for boy because she is COMPLETELY convinced this little one is a he.

Then on Sunday, my aunts held a wedding shower for my cousin's fiancee Pilar.

(This is a picture from the family Halloween party. I promise we didn't wear zipped sweatshirts to a wedding shower. There might have been pants under my dress at the shower because my knees haven't touched in weeks but I draw the line at velour.)

Sadly, my feet were huge that afternoon and I sat throughout most of the event and didn't take a single photo.

SAD FACE.

The shower was wonderful and delicious, complete with an opening of gifts that would make any woman married longer than six years experience severe kitchen utensil envy.

(Moi.)

If you think a shower doesn't last at least five hours, then you've never met my family. We can talk or not talk for hours and still find things to not talk about. And eat as we go.

Ryan and Pilar are getting married in Aruba on Thanksgiving weekend and unfortunately Joe, Madeline and I can't make it, what with the new baby and all.

(I know, I know. Rachel Zoe would totally make a plane trip two weeks after having a baby AND show up at the beach in a bikini. She and I have a few other differences, like my inability to wear heels.)

But I am SO excited for them to get married and plan to watch the ceremony as it's streamed online. While Pilar is rocking one of the most gorgeous wedding dresses ever, I will probably be on my couch in a nursing tank top, a velour sweatshirt and slippers.

At least I will be snuggling a tiny (BIG) baby so the sting won't last too long.