Both in and outside of my office people have commented and questioned:

• How does something like this happen?
• I can’t watch the news anymore.
• How could the neighbors not know?
• Why is there such evil in the world?
• I could never have survived. 
• Can these women ever be the same?

Judith Herman tells us that a traumatic event is one that has the capacity to provoke fear, helplessness, or horror in response to the threat of injury or death, or witnessing that in another.

When the trauma is that of nature, we speak of disaster.

When the trauma is man-made, we speak of atrocities.

It is worth considering that in face of this Ohio atrocity, whether we live in that neighborhood or witness the horror in the virtual community of viewers, we cannot easily shake this inhumanity because it is not only traumatizing— it evokes moral injury.

According to psychologist Brett Litz, moral injury is the (social, psychological, spiritual, behavioral) impact of perpetrating, failing to prevent or bearing witness to acts that transgress our deeply held moral beliefs and expectations.

Much like the impact of bearing witness to the horror of the Holocaust, the Genocide in Rwanda, or the modern slavery of human sex trafficking, the Ohio kidnapping transgresses our moral code.

• We are compelled to talk about it, read about it, rage and despair in face of it because it assaults our beliefs and implicates our humanity.
• We not only identify with the fear and terror of victims, we fear that we could resonate with the guilt and shame of perpetrators.
• It disturbs us on many levels.
• As humans it is beyond us to accept that one of us could do this to another.
• Yael Danieli suggests that in face of moral horror, we suffer the “Guilt of the Just.”

How Do We Deal With Moral Injury?

Drawing upon the efforts of military psychologist Brett Litz and colleagues who study the repair of moral injury, three guidelines might be considered.

They may help us in face of atrocities like the Ohio Kidnapping Case as well as with feelings stirred by personal transgressions or injustices we have witnessed or suffered in our own lives.

Sharing the Story with an Empathic Listener

• We know that there is both the need to remember trauma and the need to forget. We understand that when the traumatic event involves shame and culpability, the chance of it becoming hidden, unclaimed and silenced is even greater.
• An antidote is sharing and risking being heard.
• Finding the words to what feels unspeakable in the company of others who want to listen helps the translation, creates the narrative, lifts the terror, and starts the healing.

Seeking Forgiveness From A Respected Or Revered Authority

To bear witness to one’s transgression (large or small) in the eyes of someone respected and trusted (be it a higher power, a spouse, a parent, a special group) and to feel forgiveness is possible, is to dare to forgive self and make amends and change possible.

• In the book, Narrating Our Healing, a scene is described of a young German student who amends the intergenerational legacy he carries by asking forgiveness from an elderly woman, a Holocaust survivor. Her tears and warm embrace with him share the healing with all who observe.

• An Iraq veteran feels compelled to return to Iraq to seek out the family of civilians caught in a firefight in the war. He wants them to know that someone recognizes their sacrifice. He goes to make amends. They welcome his visit as a return of respect to their loved ones.

Living A Corrective Experience

A powerful response to the moral transgressions we observe with horror in others or that we may glimpse in our own lives is the effort to live a corrective experience–in some way.

• The former gang member who becomes a youth counselor and returns to the streets with a different mission.
• The retired accountant who misses the parents she ignored and begins to volunteer in a nursing home.
• The parent who has missed his chance to be there for his children but steps up as a grandfather.
• The prisoner whose mission is to train companion dogs for wounded veterans.

To act within one’s moral beliefs and expectations is to reduce moral injury and add something hopeful to self and to the rest of the world.

Given that atrocity is not likely to stop in this complicated world, it is important to know from the inside out—Goodness is Renewable.

Couple on a bench image available from Shutterstock.

• Does sex influence your happiness?
• Do you consider sexual satisfaction in terms of sexual frequency?
• Would comparing your sexual frequency with others affect your happiness?

An extensive study by Tim Wadsworth, including 27,500 men and women aged 40-80years in 29 countries and using the Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors, found a relationship between frequency of sexual behavior and happiness. The more sexual frequency—the more reported happiness.

While this study confirmed the findings of earlier large sample studies with regard to the correlation of frequency of sexual activity and happiness, Wadsworth’s study added another dimension. He found that when respondents compared their frequency to the sexual frequency of others, their happiness decreased or increased depending on whether their frequency was lower or higher than others in their reference group!

What Does this Imply?

If we consider statistics as starting points for thinking, than these findings invite self–reflection and mutual consideration of sexual satisfaction and social comparison for ourselves and with our partners.

The Frequency Factor

There clearly is evidence that when we control for age, physical health, gender, educational levels etc. sexual activity is associated with well being and happiness.

But is the happiness from sexual activity only a function of frequency?

Yes and No. When you work with couples and look at the findings from other couple studies it seems that active ongoing sexual connection does matter; but, it is more complicated than just numbers.

• It is valuable for you and your partner to know that many studies suggest that sexual satisfaction is a complex and multifaceted construct.  Notwithstanding what else is happening in your life that makes sexual intimacy more or less likely, multiple aspects of sexual behaviors such as frequency, types of behaviors and expectations all affect one’s sexual satisfaction and your satisfaction as a couple.
  • It is particularly important for heterosexual partners to recognize that there are gender differences that very much color issues of frequency, triggers of arousal and even behavior after sexual connection. Men take their cues from their bodies—something that affects frequency. There is an automatic connection for men in thinking about sex, in visual cues and in sexual arousal. For women, sexual arousal is a function of connection, trust, tenderness and feeling desired.
  • Allan and Barbara Pease in their sensitive and funny book, Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Drive push the gender differences into our awareness.  With respect to sexual issues, they invite couples to consider that the man becomes tender, caring and romantic after being sexual—the woman needs tenderness, caring and romance to feel sexual.
  • This would be a problem were it not for our brains. The authors invite men to remember their tender caring self out of the bedroom as a way into the bedroom. They invite woman to remember their partner’s tender self and their own sexual self out of the bedroom as a way to connect with their partner inside the bedroom.

The Social Comparison Factor

Wadsworth’s finding that happiness from sexual activity was relative to the comparison of frequency rates of others, is perhaps not that surprising. As humans, from our earliest days, we define ourself in terms of others. It is perhaps understandable that we want to match the norm or surpass it.

Because most couples don’t really know how others are doing in the bedroom, (men don’t talk and women don’t talk that specifically) people often want to know – Is this normal? Is she/he right? Is something wrong with me?  As such, there may be some merit in an individual or couple reading and comparing their relationship with the results of an online survey, an article in a popular journal or a self-help book to normalize, validate or inform them.

If statistics become a starting point for an intimate discussion about sexual life together, encourages more initiation on both parts, validates the sentiments of a partner who wants more intimacy or another who feels obliged to give in–rather than a cause for judgment or reduced happiness—then statistics that invite comparison with others will serve them well.

Can Happiness be Absolute?

If comparison with others becomes a starting point for an endless attempt to be and have more than others, be it in income, sexual frequency or cars, than the quest for happiness will be a difficult one.

In his extensive study, Wadsworth gives us a great deal to consider.

The question and answer that we might take away is whether, when all is read and said, the sexual relationship we share brings us mutual and absolute happiness–regardless of what the rest of the world is doing!

Leaving death and destruction in their path, such events undermine our necessary denial that life is predictable, that children can be safe and that we can be in control.

For a time, we are left wounded, shaken, vulnerable and afraid. Caught in the traumatic moment, we fill in the future unknowns with expectations of more of the same trauma so that next time we will be ready.

Eventually, despite the memory, the extreme loss, the bodily injuries and even the fear, we want our lives back, we want our children to play, and we want to smile…

We need to find a way to survive and at times even succeed with life’s uncertainties.

Here are six strategies that may begin to answer that need. Some you may already use. Some you may want to consider.

Validation of True Self

• Often recognition of who we are and what we need in life out-trumps the fear of uncertainty. In her personal description of running the Boston Marathon, runner and blogger, Chrissy Horan describes that although finishing as the first bomb went off, she has struggled with grief and sadness for those killed and injured, with “what if” she had walked through the last water stops, with tears and with questions of safety. Notwithstanding the uncertainty, however, she like many throughout the country put her sneakers back on to run. As she says, “ It is just what I do.”
• Not dissimilar are Long Islanders now six months after Hurricane Sandy, who report that faced with extreme weather patterns, altered and destroyed shore lines, partial renovations, houses raised and more hurricanes coming–they are afraid. Many have for the first time considered leaving. Most will wait and see. They report a “magnetic draw” to the water. As one man who feels that his family could not survive another Hurricane Sandy said, “We don’t have very long memories . . . We live on an island and this is where we live, on the water.”

Personal Certainty Anchors

• In his book, Uncertainty, Jonathan Fields speaks of the importance of personal rituals as certainty anchors to offset the unpredictable and uncontrollable aspects of life.
• The daily routine of reading the paper with your favorite cup of coffee, your daily meditation,the car pool conversation, your evening run, favorite TV show, iPod music, crossword puzzle, family meal, favorite toy and nighttime ritual lower hyperarousal and stress in adults and children.
• As such they offer comfort and soothing on the good days and can help re-set a sense of order on days that hold the unexpected challenges.
• They don’t prevent the onslaught of trauma and disaster but they are the little things that become big when we are inching our way back from disaster.

Emotional Bonds

• A universal factor that mediates our experience of uncertainty is our connection with others.
• Experts tell us that in the aftermath of unexpected catastrophe, it is connection with familiar networks of support (family, community, schools) that re-instates a sense safety. The bond in such groups offers predictable support and validation.
• Given the parent-child stress connection, we know that a parent’s own stress regulation and sense of constancy is a reliable resource that offsets the impact of the unexpected for a child.
• One has only to see a parent walk into the unknown to find or help their child or a soldier step back into combat to save his buddy, to know that bonds of connection far outweigh fears of uncertainty.

Belief Systems

• In the face of life’s uncertainties, man has for centuries turned to belief in a higher power to seek answers or seek solace.
• After 9/11, the churches and houses of worship were overflowing. Faced with unfathomable loss and destruction, people sought the comfort of a higher power and a community of worshipers.
• For believers, trust in a higher power is transformative in that it reduces fear and invites acceptance. They are certain in their faith.
• It is what gives them the strength to take on each day. It is what gives them hope in the aftermath of loss.

Trust

• Whether we realize it or not, all of us use trust to negotiate life in an uncertain world.
• Trust in ourselves, in others, in science, in probability, in skills, in the power of thought and the advances of technology is central to our functioning.
• On a daily basis we assume the best and trust that the train will come, the school bus driver knows how to drive, the plane will land, the food in the deli is safe to eat, the prescribed medication in correct, the cell phone will work and the plumber knows what to do.
• Could we ever agree to surgery if each of us did not trust that “ our doctor” was the number one in his/her field?
• Most have had their trust shaken and even betrayed; but our capacity to suspend fear and start to trust again–makes the future possible.

Uncertainty Re-defined

• Central to our greatest creative achievements and technological advances is our recognition of the importance of “ uncertainty.”
• While we have suffered with unexpected catastrophes that for a time have shut us down, embracing uncertainty as a door to the unknown allows for the emergence of the creative thought and the unexpected insight. Being open to uncertainty has given us much of what we cherish.
• Managing uncertainty for its potential is a part of what we can do every day to reach beyond fear, to step beyond the limits, to find success—in our own way.

The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers. Erich Fromm

Many couples also know the silence that reflects tension, conflict or disconnection. Unable to speak beyond the necessities of daily life, these couples report, “ We just don’t talk anymore!”

If we recognize “ talking together” as a metaphor for the communication of confidantes, the special interest of partners and the pillow talk of intimates, then we understand that this is a silence that can start to feel emotionally deafening.

Why do couples who once had so much to say end up feeling this way? Is it inevitable as time passes in a marriage? Is there a way back?

Years together need not result in negative sounds of silence.

Yes, events can disrupt harmony and patterns can erode vitality, but if couples are curious rather than blameful about the silence between them, they may find some reasons and remedies to speak together again.

The Reasons:

If we look closer at those partners who end up sitting in a restaurant with nothing to say, painfully aware of the couples happily chatting around them, we find that partners are often unaware of what they may be doing or what has happened to shut down the verbal connection.

Here are some possibilities:

• The Monologue: Sometimes a partner is in so much need of attention, affirmation or containment by the other that they never stop talking. More interested in what they have to say, they barely realize there is no space for dialogue. The listening partner often complies as audience for a time but there is no real ” we sharing ” and eventually no reason to continue talking.

• The Critique: Sometimes speaking has become unsafe if one or both partners imply by verbal criticism, overt disinterest or non-verbal gestures that what the other is saying is of little interest or importance. Some are embarrassed or enraged into silence. Some give-up. Some find outside confidantes who want to listen—while the silence at home builds.

• The Interrogation: Demands that a partner report feelings, the day’s events or reactions to what has been said take the wish to share and turn it into obligation. The result is an emotional shutdown. Events may be reported but no one is really speaking as partners.

• The Secret: Often when a partner is holding a secret from the other – be it a financial problem, infidelity, self-doubts, fears, or even a new personal goal - authenticity is impossible and real communication compromised.

• The Unsayable: Sometimes a couple has suffered a traumatic event outside the realm of everyday life that has taken their breath away as well as their words. Be it the traumatic loss of a loved one, a serious injury or unexpected destruction, they avoid talking about it as a way to avoid the feelings attached. Until they find a way to talk, however, talking about anything else can feel impossible.

The Remedies

Can couples find a way to speak again?

I have maintained in working with couples over many years, that if partners want to re-set their relationship—-almost anything is possible. Here are two remedies that work in tandem with each other.

Self and Mutual Reflection:

It is always valuable to start with self as we have more capacity to change self than anyone else. We also know that if we are doing something for reasons that we do not own or are outside of our consciousness, raising our awareness puts change back into our hands.

Accordingly, it would be valuable for each partner to personally consider and then possibly share the following:

• Am I speaking in a way that makes my partner want to listen?
• Am I listening in a way that makes my partner want to speak?
• Would I be willing to share my thoughts with my partner?
• Would I be willing to ask for some feedback?
• Are my non-verbal communications (eye contact, touch, body language) shutting down communication and closeness?
• Should we seek consult from a professional?
• Would outside help offer a perspective for healing and reconnection that we may be unable to find on our own?

The Re-setting Experience:

• A quick way for partners to re-set a pattern of shared connection, interest and talking together is the decision to share something new together.
• Be it taking dance lessons, getting a new pet, planning a trip, starting a mini business, joining a club with new friends, competing as a couple etc., couple research tells us that what is novel stimulates interest, co-participation, neurochemistry and even sexual arousal.
• While this may seem simplistic, what we know about domains of communication is that when two people are doing something with a mutual goal, they inevitably speak. When they speak they are interested in what the other has to say. They feel valued and valuable. They see each other in a new light. Often they even feel desire. (Have you ever wondered about the cause of office relationships?)
• When a couple is reflecting on negative patterns that have disrupted or derailed their communication, a new experience can offer a positive platform for trying out new effective patterns.
• When there has been so much pain connected with “ talking,” there may be more mileage in initially doing something positive than saying something positive.

Couples who have been together for any amount of time can become trapped into silence for many reasons.

Sometimes the pain is such that professional help can be invaluable.

In all cases, however, couples can benefit from daring to step together outside the ordinary bounds of their life. Inevitably they give themselves “ Something to talk about!!”

Unhappy couple photo available from Shutterstock

Responding for Better and For Worse

These studies revealed that although we need our partners to be there for us during the “worst” of times, it is our partner’s positive responses to the “best” of times that we receive best and remember most.

Adding to this and surprising is the finding that our partner’s responses to positive events directly contribute to the perception that our partner will be available in the worst of times-regardless of the specifics of their actual support during those times!!

How Do We Explain This?

It seems that context matters. Crisis, be it the aftermath of surgery, the lost job or family problem, makes giving and receiving support challenging and more complicated.

In difficult life situations, a partner’s attempted or enacted support is often not well received or not perceived as helpful for a number of reasons:

Missing the Mark

• When one partner is in crisis, the other shares in the distress so both are actually in crisis.
• Many people in the face of anxiety, pain, and frustration, find it difficult to know, much less communicate, what is needed. Even if a partner wants to help—often he/she doesn’t know exactly what to do.
• Given their closeness and expectations, partners often assume the other should know what they need, or resent the other for thinking that they know.

“ You should know that I didn’t want any visitors.”

“ I didn’t know what soup to get so I got a few…you don’t want soup?”

Can’t Work the Miracle

• Very often loving partners have the need to work a miracle and relieve their partner’s pain. The failure to work the miracle can leave both stressed.
• Often the helper falls into the trap of trying to solve the partner’s problem rather than just listening or just being there. The helper often feels unappreciated-the other, unheard.
• Sometimes in the relentless attempt to help, a partner can miss the fact that their insistent efforts are becoming additional burdens. The one in need is more frustrated than appreciative.

Negative View of Self

• In the face of illness, crisis or depression, etc., a partner can have a difficult time holding on to a positive view of self.
• Often the challenge for both partners is the reality that the help of one is having the unintended consequence of making the other feel more vulnerable, incompetent or weak.

“ I can’t stand being pushed by you in the wheel chair in the airport!”

“ It doesn’t make me happy to realize that you now have to pay all of our bills.”

The Challenge of the “ Worst of Times”

Clearly, despite the efforts, giving and getting partner support at the stressful times is not easy.

The worst that can happen is for a partner to give up with the thought “ I can’t get anything right.”

The Potential of the “ Best of Times”

According to the studies cited above, when partners shared a positive event compared with sharing a negative event, they were significantly more thankful, and they felt significantly more gratitude, support, admiration and less resentment toward their partner.  Why?

Easy to Share and Easy to Hear

• Unlike problem events, most partners are forthcoming about the events of life that bring them joy or for which they feel pride.
• Whether you respond to your partner with interest, affirmation, support or celebration, your response is likely to be received and perceived in a loving and positive way. When people are feeling good they welcome and utilize positive connections.
• Unlike negative events, there is no stress that becomes a filter through which behavior must be perceived.

Capitalization

• In addition, the sharing of positive events with a partner who receives it in a positive way provides “ added value.” Described as capitalization, Christopher Langston suggests that the sharing actually capitalizes on the event and results in a positive experience independent of the actual event.
• For example, when you tell your partner that you have just been promoted to manager, his/her excitement becomes another positive event that you share.

The Positive “ Halo” Effect

• Research findings suggest that over a set time period, when people are asked if they have been supported in the face of stressful events, there is no correlation between what they actually received and what they perceived.
• During that same period, however, the more support they experience for positive events, the more they perceive themselves supported for problem and stressful events!

You may not respond perfectly when his job is threatened, but if you are really excited about the meal he just cooked or interested in his idea to go out with some new friends—it really matters.

The Positive Roadmap

As difficult as the road may be, if a couple keeps affirming the positives each experiences along the way, they will increase their sense of well-being. They will trust each other to be there“ for better and for worse.”

A host of factors including safety, trust, effective communication and sexual exclusivity have been identified as important for intimacy between partners.

Less discussed and perhaps surprising, is the importance of the “capacity to be alone” in establishing true intimacy.

What Is The “Capacity To Be Alone?”

• Originally coined by the British pediatrician/psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, the “capacity to be alone” refers to the development of individuality that starts with the infant’s ability to be alone in the presence of the mother.
• It is the child’s ability to move from the sense of the mother’s compassionate, comforting and loving presence, to his/her ability to hold on to her presence, even when alone.
• This internalized sense of the comforting mother develops into the psychological capacity to regulate anxiety, self-soothe, and experience a true authentic self. In essence, this is the capacity to be alone.

Why Is This an Asset To Intimacy?

• True intimacy starts with a comfort in your own sense of self.  If you like yourself and feel comfortable, you will be able to relate in a real and genuine way with another person.

You won’t have to be what someone else wants or needs you to be.

• True intimacy is possible when you have the “capacity to be alone” because it implies choice. You may want to be with someone. You don’t have to be with someone because you fear that being alone leaves you without stability or value.

You don’t have to cling to someone to avoid abandonment or avoid someone for fear of rejection.

• True intimacy is possible when there is psychological separation or room for partners to come and go from each other physically and psychologically.

• Couples often report that when they are apart from each other during the course of the day, they think more positively and romantically about each other than at any other time.

Neurochemistry supports this idea with findings that separation actually revs up dopamine and epinephrine, the hormones associated with sexual desire.

Do You Have The Capacity To Be Alone? Does Your Partner?

Most self-growth starts with self-reflection that leads to self-awareness.

The following list is a translation of the “capacity to be alone” into thoughts, feelings and behaviors that occur in the day-to-day lives of partners. They may be worth considering.

If you have the “capacity to be alone”….

• You can have an intimate relationship with a partner without feeling you have jeopardized your parents’ love.
• You can tolerate your partner’s relationship with his/her family.
• You value your independence but you are not threatened by the reality that you and your partner also depend on each other.
• You enjoy spending time with your partner and others; but you also value your solitude.
• You are not jealous if your partner enjoys time with his/her friends.
• You can tolerate your partner’s having a difference of opinion from yours.
• You can agree to follow your partner’s opinion without fear of being controlled.
• You can negotiate a mutual solution in a way that balances needs and dreams.
• You are able to recognize that as separate people you and your partner may be preoccupied with things that have nothing to do with the other—and need not be taken personally.
• Given that you are individuals as well as partners, you don’t hold the other responsible for knowing what you need without communicating it in some way.
• Given that you are partners as well as individuals, you take pride in knowing your partner in ways that others don’t—without presuming to know all.
• You can hold on to the connection with your partner even if you are not physically together.
• You can make a sexual overture without fearing rejection.
• You don’t need you or your partner to be perfect in order to have a sense of self-worth.
• You can say “ No” to your partner without fear of reprisal or rejection.
• You don’t need the world to love your partner—because you love your partner.
• You can risk being angry with your partner.
• You can recover from a fight or argument with your partner without “ winning” or “ blaming.”
• You can own your part in a problem or your mistake without a blow to your self-esteem.
• You can tolerate the temporary disconnect that comes from arguing with your partner without fearing that the relationship will be over or the love will be lost.
• You can apologize.
• You can forgive.
• You feel a personal sense of worth although you greatly treasure your partner’s affirmation.
• You are not afraid that asking for or receiving your partner’s help will compromise your self-esteem.
• You feel pride and confidence in face of your partner’s plans to achieve personal goals without fear of being overlooked or left behind.
• You don’t need your partner to want to do whatever you are doing, whenever you are doing it.
• You can comfortably enjoy the benefits and balance of the You-We-Me in your relationship.
• You never believe that a partner who is out of sight is out of love with you.

Whether you are a varsity player, a daily walker, a gym rat or an avid golfer, it is likely that the exercise you do helps you psychologically as well as physically. What happens when you get injured?

In most cases physical injury happens in the two minutes we never see coming.  It is physically and psychologically disruptive because it not only involves physical pain and concern about intervention and recovery; it reminds us of the unpredictability of life, and the reality of our vulnerability. For athletes, as well as those determined to exercise, it is a loss that insults our sense of self as well as our sense of mastery.

 “ I can’t be injured, we are in the semi-finals. I have to play!”

 “ I just got the motivation and the routine going and now I break my ankle?”

 “ What will I do if I can’t golf?”

• If you have ever been taken off the court or out of your usual routine by injury, it is likely you have felt the constraints of a Catch 22.
• At a time when you are feeling more pain and stress than usual, the one thing you can’t do is use your usual stress reducer–Exercise will make matters worse!

How Do You Proceed?

No matter what anyone says in the first hours, days or week of an injury, it won’t feel right.

“ So You Won’t Run Anymore- You will Do Something Else!” 

“ Don’t Worry—You will be back.”

It is difficult to suddenly adjust to the loss of something that has added value to your life and it is also difficult to suddenly believe you will be ok, when you don’t feel ok. But it does get better…

What seems impossible starts to become possible when you realize there are many ways to reduce stress if you are able to focus on healing, open options, risk possibilities, and draw upon your resiliencies.

Five Ways To Reduce Stress

Become Mission Focused

After an athletic injury or an injury that impedes your usual exercise routine, it is to your advantage both physically and psychologically to be mission focused.

• Physically, you want to know about the nature of your injury, necessary interventions, prognosis, treatment and rehabilitation.
• Drawing upon the support of family and friends as you weigh options adds a healing connection and often enhances problem solving.
• Having a purpose stirs energy and goal setting.
• Psychologically, a pro-active position is always a boon to healing because it restores a sense of control and mastery.  Focusing on your healing with determination and positive expectation is the antidote to hopelessness and despair.

Move It Along

When injured, most athletes and those committed to an exercise routine miss the movement, aerobic benefits, and neurochemical surge that come with exercising. Finding a way to move it along might include:

• Cross Training- If physically possible, an important option in the aftermath of injury is cross training. In reality, cross training, i.e. the use of varying exercises or the focus on different parts of your body is beneficial whether injured or not. It reduces stress, boredom, burnout, repeated stress injury and challenges the body in a different way.

Each injury has introduced me (not by choice) to an alternative exercise routine that I came to value and never dropped.

• Physical Therapy- If indicated, physical therapy is not only a source of recommended therapeutic movement but of support, healing and achievable goals. As such, it is physically and psychologically relieving.
• Being Good At Being Bad at Something New- Getting good at this skill suggested by Otto and Smits, authors of Exercise for Mood and Anxiety, is invaluable after injury because it opens all the doors of possibility.If you are willing to try a new exercise or athletic experience without the expectation or need to be good at it, it is a win-win. In the best of situations you love it. In the worst of possibilities, you have had a novel experience and a ridiculous story to tell!

A one-time runner who resigned himself to walk the dog through the neighborhood was startled by what unfolded between the response of neighbors to the dog and to him.

Take A New Look At Your Old Exercise Routine

Very often after injury,  you can miss your old exercise routine. It is worth considering what made it so important to you, so stress reducing, so restorative. It may well have been a function of a number of factors – not just the physical movement of the exercise itself. As such, it is valuable to identify those factors so that you can re-set them into your life–whether you are exercising or not.

• Maybe you loved being outdoors while you exercised.
• Maybe you enjoyed being away from the house and the family for a definite set time.
• Maybe you loved the music you listened to when you exercised.
• Maybe you really looked forward to sharing time with a group of men or women.
• Maybe you enjoyed doing something that was meditative.

A closer look at your favorite exercise routine expands stress reduction into many dimensions.

Work on a Different Goal

• There is something to be said about multi-tasking when it helps you not watch water boil or injuries heal.
• A valuable and often unexpected stress reducer that some people set in motion when they come to know that they will be away from the gym, road or bicycle club for awhile, is a completely different goal in tandem with their rehab and recovery.
• Be it taking or giving a course, refinishing furniture, making jewelry, planning a trip or studying a language, the competitive goal is valuable in that it offers a need to look away from the injury and loss.
• It offers a new and different perspective on the need and use of time.

Re-Open Your Drawer of Resiliency Traits

A valuable source of stress reduction that we often overlook can be found in the consideration of our own resiliency traits. Be it intelligence, creativity, social skills, spirituality, musicality, artistic ability, love of nature or culinary creations—any of these can be used as entrée to activities and relationships that refuel us, validate our talents and heal in many ways.

The Gift of A New Worldview

It is difficult to journey from our necessary illusion of control and body mastery through injury, disruption, stress and healing without personally changing.

For many, the change is beyond physical and psychological restoration.

It is a sense of humility for what we can and cannot control and a sense of gratitude for what we can.

It is a respect and appreciation for those whose suffering persists.

It is the gift of a worldview that you can rarely find in easy places.

Many of us try to “ eat healthy” by adhering to a list of healthy foods only to find that the list keeps changing. Even more have stories of diets tried and failed–ranging from no carbs to no meats, to grapefruits, to eating by blood type.

While most of us love food, we often hate what we do with it or what it does to us. When you add personal histories, the plot thickens and the urge to give up and stay unconscious about what we are eating increases.

A Simple Step

In reality, while the goal to healthy eating is this culture is not easy–it is not impossible. Change of any type becomes more likely when we simplify the plan and make success possible. One simple first step is to recognize the roadblocks that sabotage most people’s efforts to eat less or to eat in a more healthy way. Once informed we are a step closer to motivation and mastery.

The Roadblocks:

Convenience

• While the causes for overeating or eating problems are complex and personal, research finds that one factor that bears on most people’s eating is convenience.
• Be it at home, at work, on a plane or at a wedding, if it is convenient– we are more likely to eat it.
• In A Pew Research telephone survey most people reported convenience as their reason for eating junk food.
• Food researcher, Brian Wansink found that the farther away a candy dish was from the secretaries’ desks, the less they ate– a difference reflected in 225 extra calories a day. In the debriefing, the secretaries revealed that the longer the distance, the more time to talk themselves out of eating another piece!

 A little inconvenience can reduce a lot of eating.

Visibility

• You have probably heard comedians say they are on the “See Food” diet–eating everything they see.
• In reality, they are correct. Research reveals that visible foods trigger eating in a way that is difficult to resist. Neurochemically, the anticipation of food trips secretions that add to our craving and our overeating.

Hide the candy and put out the fruit in a glass bowl!

Multi-Tasking Equals Multi-Eating

• In our continued attempt to multi-task, we pay a price-especially when it comes to eating. Because we eat in front of TV’s, computers, while texting, working at our desks and talking on the phone, we eat without focus.

One woman who frequently spoke on the phone while grabbing something to eat, reported that the trail of wrappers, crumbs and containers were often the only indication of her eating. She hardly remembered eating, much less feeling satisfied.

• Anything that takes our focus off the food makes us more likely to overeat or eat poorly because we are eating in a mindless way.

The value of those advocating Mindful Eating, is an invitation to take the time for focus on food. Be it the shake you are having for breakfast or the twenty-minute lunch you purposely take away from technology, a routine to actually experience eating will be more filling and fueling.

Sleep Matters

The next time I am staring into the refrigerator at midnight, I need one of the milk cartons to say –”You don’t need to eat–You need to sleep.”

• A frequently overlooked obstacle to healthy eating is lack of sleep.
• A study measuring the brain activity of healthy, normal weight adults aged 22-26 found that a lack of sleep causes brain signaling to significantly increase in areas associated with food acquisition.
• We need food to survive. When we are tired, our cells think we need more energy, which triggers a powerful subconscious urge to eat.
• When we don’t sleep enough, cravings related to addiction and reward come in to play.
• Even in children, lack of sleep is associated with weight gain.

Are you famished or fatigued?

• Be mindful of your body states by deciding if you are really hungry or really tired.
• Managing you sleep by aiming at 7-8 hours of sleep time will help regulate eating.
• If you know you have gotten too little sleep or your sleep will be disrupted, be prepared to eat protein and high-energy foods to stave off your hungry need for energy and catch up on sleep as soon as you can.

The Influence of Others

• There is hardly a culture or a person that does not seek and savor the opportunity to share food with others. For most, it is central to their family and social connections. As such, it is understandable that both friends and family have an influence on our consumption norms and expectations.

 Consider breaking the family’s “ clean plate rule” or replacing the family’s use of ice cream as a stress reducer.

• Researchers found that having a friend who is gaining weight makes you 57% more likely to do so yourself. Professors Fowler and Christakis reporting on social contagion suggest that consciously or unconsciously, people use what others are eating as a gage for themselves-be it the oversized fries or the chocolate dessert.

The occasional evening of food and fun may be well worth having. Being swept into mindless overeating and overdrinking is physically and emotionally costly.

The more aware you are of your own body as a gage for what you want and need, the more present and secure you will feel as you enjoy sharing a meal with family and friends.

Recognizing the roadblocks to healthy eating is a step that may activate you motivation,  increase your mastery and improve your relationship with food.

You read my emails?

I can’t report every move I make in the course of a day.

Why can’t I check out my high school girlfriend on Facebook?

When it comes to relationships, partners often underestimate the importance of privacy and the danger of secrecy.

Privacy in relationships reflects trust and enhances intimacy. Secrecy in relationships impairs trust and impedes intimacy.

What is Privacy?

Privacy is defined as the state or condition of being free from being observed or disturbed by other people. It is the state of being free from public exposure and attention.

Why We Need Privacy As Individuals

Psychologically, we understand that whereas secure attachment is key to early development, the growing capacity of the child to internalize this attachment and to separate–to have room to be, to play alone, to have private thoughts, to have space, to develop an authentic self–is crucial.

Why We Need Privacy In Relationships

As adults we continue to need different degrees of privacy to re-charge, regulate stress and nurture a sense of self–be it a solitary hobby or reading the paper alone.

We also need intimacy. We need to be and share with another, to be known by them in a way that no one else knows us.

Boundary Changes in Relationships

As such, in committed and intimate relationship, our individual boundaries of privacy change. In most cases, we choose to share bedrooms, sex, money, food, pets, chores, vacations, confidences, fears, and hardships– the best and worst of ourselves–with another. We also share a respect for each other’s privacy.

Disclosure Expectations in Relationships

While one partner may be more disclosing than the other, we can’t expect to hear or share every thought, action, urge or memory of our partner. In a trusting relationship, we have neither the need to check each other’s phone, emails, mail or daily moves, nor the obligation to disclose all. If we enjoy such sharing, it is mutual sharing that fuels our connection.

When thinking about privacy in a relationship it is worth considering:

• A loving relationship has room for two independent people as well as their mutual dependency.

• When there is no privacy, no separate space, romance wanes, as there is no room for imagination.

We rarely fantasize about someone standing next to us–at all times.

• When there is no privacy “ to be oneself” in a relationship,partners conform to expectations. Authenticity and creativity become impossible.
• When private dreams are allowed, they very often become shared possibilities.

When Does Privacy Become Secrecy?

Privacy becomes secrecy when there is conscious motivation to keep something unknown, hidden or unseen from one’s partner—something that directly impacts that person and the bond shared.

• It is the choice to hide an online relationship with your high school sweetheart.

• It is withholding the loss of family money due to gambling or a business investment.

Secrets can be motivated by betrayal, shame, fear, or anger. Secrets disqualify intimacy because they prevent authenticity. Psychologically when a partner is holding a secret, a part of them is not available for connection.

Secret Betrayal

• A striking dynamic in the holding of secrets in relationships is the use of denial. Both men and women who betray their partner by having sex outside of their bonded relationship report the wish to keep the secret relationship apart from their home life. The illusion is that this will not break down their primary relationship.
• The reality is that not only do most secret affairs become exposed–they rupture the trust and in many cases end the relationship. At the very least, they off-set the expected and predicted sense of trust. In many ways, it is a life crisis for both partners.
• Charles Orlando, author of The Problem with Women…Is Men, tells us that many men report feeling guilt and self-loathing after affairs. Betrayal leaves everyone feeling like a failure.
• Recovery is only possible if the denial of secrecy is replaced with the honesty of openness.

Secret Vigilance

• Sadly, secrets often breed mistrust and secrecy on the part of the betrayed partner.
• Faced with the reality of an affair and even after it has ended, many partners try to protect themselves with secret vigilance that involves checking emails, phone records, and Facebook accounts.
• Now secrets are matched by secrets. There is no safety because the relationship is now driven by fear of “ not knowing” the partner and the anticipation of betrayal.
• Staying in a real way means putting words to the fears–together or with the help of a professional.

Secret Anger

Sometimes there is no betrayal in the relationship, but a partner’s insistence to know all, see all, and hear all is so intrusive and unwarranted that it triggers angry withholding and secrecy in the other. It is an assault of privacy and an insult to fidelity. Driven by his/her history, self-esteem difficulties etc., the intrusive partner has created the very secrecy they fear.

As seen in the situations of secrecy above, acting out pain, reacting to pain, or trying to get needs met in the shadow of secrecy—never brings forth the bright light of true connection.

As frightening as it seems, it is the risk of verbalizing needs, of balancing privacy and attachment, of confronting the secrets, and of accepting human frailty that turns strangers back into partners.

How Does a Family Cope?

One of the most important things a family can do in the aftermath of a traumatic event is to find a way over the days, months and even years “to speak about what happened.”

All families engage in story telling. Around the dinner table, in car pools, at holidays, in the middle of the night, family members share the day-to-day experiences of big and small events in their lives. Through the stories they tell, families create the fabric of their life and their legacy.

Why is it Difficult for Families to Speak About Trauma?

• Families have a difficult time speaking about traumatic events because traumatic events assault the fabric of family life.
• They are unexpected events that threaten, injure, and take the life that was known and the people that were loved.
• They leave family members overwhelmed, frightened, angry, haunted with images, self-blaming, and bereft.
• They are beyond what family members can physically and emotionally comprehend.
•  Traumatic events feel “beyond words”.

Family Protection Through Silence and Avoidance

Given this impact of trauma, the inclination of many family members is to protect each other by not speaking about the trauma.In an effort to spare others from more pain, prevent the stirring of feelings, avoid contaminating with traumatic memories, or burdening the family with grief, both adults and children disavow history, deny feelings and often avoid connection. The myth is that “if we don’t talk about it we can live beyond it.”

Historically we know that the opposite is true. As  trauma expert, Cathy Caruth says, trauma “will out” in one way or another in spite of being silenced or denied. What can’t be said must be carried and acted out.

• Yael Danieli tells us of the “ Code of Silence” of Holocaust survivors whose disavowed horror was nonethless passed on in the conscious and unconscious of the children they struggled to protect.
• Kari and Atle Dyregrov consider the isolation and grief of young people whose siblings have committed suicide. In an attempt to protect their parents from more pain, these siblings rarely feel entitled to put words to their own confusion, fear and pain.
• We are aware that the intergenerational legacy of combat stress so often unfolds in the veteran’s attempt to spare the family from his/her pain and PTSD symptoms. The avoidance, however, leaves the veteran at war and the family mystified, rejected and impacted by what remains “ unsaid” by this person they love.

Guidelines for Creating A Family Story of Trauma

As difficult as it may be to start, there are ways for families to begin to tell the story of the traumatic events they have faced.

A family story of trauma starts with verbal and non-verbal permission to work together to accept different versions and feelings of the same event, to share whatever is comfortable, and to know that someone else is listening. No one is alone with the trauma.

The Unfolding Process

• Many families begin to share in an informal way over the course of dinners, holidays, birthdays, or Anniversary Events. At first it is not easy, but it is a gift when someone shares their thoughts or memories of what happened and asks what others have experienced. It normalizes the sharing and opens up the possibilities.
• Some families begin the story of the traumatic event with a planned sit-down as a family, where everyone including young children can share their version of what happened. The message is that sharing and listening are permissible and healing.

When children are included in the family sharing and asked what they understand about what has happened, they are spared what trauma writer, Gabriele Schwab, describes as “stories told in my presence as if I was not there, stories that left me stranded in a muted space outside.”

• Some families want the support and structure of a therapist, grief counselor or spiritual caregiver to begin collaborating on a family trauma story and  to help with the feelings and reactions expressed.

 Having recently met one of the many families who had suffered the devastation from Hurricane Sandy, it was striking that when I asked about their experience, not only did each share it, but all members listened intently to things they had not heard from each other – including the verion shared by the 11 year old daughter.

• Many families welcome the opportunity to meet and share with other families who have experienced a similar trauma. Group programs for families normalize and validate feelings and help family members find a voice to share what they have experienced.

 Using Different Modes to Find the Words

Given that traumatic events are not registered as words but as feelings, body sensations and fragmented images, a family’s use of other modes of sharing often provides a crucial bridge to words.

• Physical activity shared together “ away from it all” often becomes the venue for a family’s shared thoughts and memories.
• The drawings of a child can be an invitation for him/her to share feelings and questions and to hear the thoughts and feelings of others.
• The writing, poetry, music or art of any family member can be a starting point for the shared family story.
• The media, be it the news, a documentary, or a film, can be a very important way to begin a family dialogue.
• Experts suggest that when a film or book carries similar events and evokes feelings of trauma or loss, discussion about it becomes a way to re-visit, identify, narrate and assimilate the unspeakable aspect of trauma “ at a distance.”
• As a start, it may be much easier to speak about the characters of fiction than to speak about oneself or one’s family.

The Balanced Family Story

Whatever traumatic event a family has faced, it is only one dimension of who they are and the story of their lives. The need to protect with silence locks a family into the trauma and a legacy of pain.

When a family can find the words to what they have suffered, they find themselves again. They make living in the present and looking toward the future possible. They change their legacy from one of pain to one of hope.

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