Happy Meals & Happy Hour

Kindles Are For Porn

2013-04-18T14:26:00.001-04:00

Ladies! Let's talk smut.

OK, so by now we've all read the entire Fifty Shades Trilogy , freaked out our husbands/significant others with our jump-started libidos, dropped out of Book Club, and are looking around for our next fix like "NOW what." (husbands/significant others: "Yeah! NOW what.")

Fifty Shades is a gateway drug, my friends. There is a whole universe of competent-to-poorly written erotica out there, waiting to be consumed, like thousands of little dime bags, but with more ripped biceps and heavy breathing.

However: Just as the alcoholic needs the paper bag, you can't go broadcasting at the travel soccer games that you're reading His Forbidden Submissive, or Beg For It .

You, my friend, need a Kindle .

The Kindle e-books are cheaper than regular books, and you just download them straight from Amazon. No embarrassing book store checkout, no hiding the books from the family (and yes, there is a pass lock, 4 characters, I suggest P-O-R-N).

So below I've listed some of my faves, highly recommended.

And final tip: When someone notices your Kindle and asks "What are you reading?" your answer is this:

"Oh- it's 'Proof of Heaven' - it's a true story of a well-respected neurosurgeon who recounts his near-death experience while in a coma. It's on The New York Times Bestsellers List. It's really interesting."

See? Look at you- intellectual, spiritual, open-minded.

And horny. Let's not forget horny.

Amazon.com Widgets

Amazon So Doesn't Care About My Writer's Block

2011-11-15T22:30:00.000-05:00

Holy mother.

I TOTALLY forgot my blog was available on Kindle and Amazon was CHARGING .99 cents for it.

Apparently, they've been sending out apology emails to subscribers and offering them their money back. And booted me out of the Amazon Kindle family of offerings.

Awkward.

But guess what. I got a job. (!!!!!!!) I know. I'm totally an executive right now. No, I'm not...but I wear heels and lipgloss and curse at people while I'm driving. So same thing.

Here's what I've learned my first week:

Things to Say When You're Getting Coffee to-go in the Morning at the Wawa:

"Another day, another dollar.."

"Is it Friday yet? hahahahaha"

"Workin' hard? Or hardly workin'?"

"Take this job and shove it - Am I right?"

"Are you gonna finish that pretzel?"

Things That Have Not Changed Since I Last Worked in 1997

Adding smiley faces or hearts to your "possession labels" in the office fridge so you don't seem like a selfish OCD bitch.

Minimum of 6 trial-and-error passes to figure out a double sided copy.

Do we, or do we not, get Columbus Day off.

Things I Have No Time For Now That I Work

Texting

Visiting my own Facebook page

Anybody else's laundry besides mine

Front step decoration and maintenance:

"Back off, I'm workin' for The Man."

Harry Potter Recap. Sort Of.

2011-07-17T15:28:00.004-04:00

My account of the entire Harry Potter series... don't hold me to this. I don't really pay attention.

So. There are 23 Harry Potter books that were made into 18 movies. J.K. Rowling wrote them all on a napkin while she was on the Amtrak. All the movie titles are called "Harry Potter and..." except the 15th one, "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightening Thief."

Ok. Basically, if you're a wizard you go to a special school because you're weird and you'd be bullied at public school, and probably turn someone into a burrito and then the school would get sued.

The main thing you need to know is that Harry should totally be with Hermoine but for some random reason she ends up with Ron, who's a ginger, so that doesn't even make sense.

The Bad Guy's named Valdemort and even though he has a snake nose, I've seen scarier.

Um....there are lots of potions/owls/candles/snakes/goblins and spiders.

Everybody defends themselves with wands. I don't really know why they don't use their wands to conjure up guns, I think that'd be more useful against giant spider attacks.

Harry is the only person with a normal name, and that is why he is the most powerful. Everybody else is named like Hingus Puddingfoot.

There is a good amount of running.

The greatest mystery is why nobody is talkin' about THIS dude, who was smokin' hot.

OK, maybe that's related to my lingering Adam Ant crush.

*****SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!******

Harry lives, Voldemort dies.

If I missed something, leave a comment.

Rapture a Success!

2011-05-23T10:19:00.000-04:00

Well this is awkward.

Sorry you all didn't make it this go-round....this is not the turnout we were expecting.

I'm lookin' at a lotta uneaten Chex Mix and Propel.

But I figure as long as they have wifi up here I can still blog and give you a little "insider information".

THINGS YOU FIND OUT IN HEAVEN:

• all the missing socks are here. They were too good for that world.

• Yes, there is a totally separate bug heaven.

• They're still working on fixing hail.

• Satan and the DMV have had a longstanding partnership, as suspected.

• Hundreds of thousands of people have died from mixing soda and Pop Rocks.

• Michael Jackson? not here.

and finally....

• Yes, He sees everything you do.
Yes, even that.
No, he doesn't think you're a pervert.
Except that one time.
You might wanna lay off that.

LOL I Almost Took An Anti-Nuclear Radiation Pill Instead of a Multivitamin

2011-04-14T16:04:00.001-04:00

That was funny.

We've all done it, we've all done it, I know :)

So, yeah, my armageddon kit is coming together nicely... thanks for asking...and it's kinda nice not having a DEADLINE ...Hello ...Y2K.. hahaha... that was a lotta pressure.

and embarrassing.

But you know what? It was good practice...I discovered some very interesting websites. And learned a lot of things.

Namely, all you really need to survive in a post-apocalyptic world is sprouts.

True. And a gun.

Sprouts, a gun and probably some vodka.

I might've made that last one up.

So here's a picture of what I have so far...I know, no gun...but the empty bottles double as weapons.

Oh, SkyMall...Why Didn't I Think Of That.

2011-03-22T21:29:00.000-04:00

(Editor's note: Yes-I'm pretending that I haven't had writer's block for 3 months...just go with it.)

So we all know that I hate flying.....what with all the crashing and the dying and whatnot.

And it's super-awesome that besides having to worry about engine trouble and de-icing the wings and electrical failure and hijacking (remember hijacking? Like, regular....take-us-to-Cuba hijacking?) I now have to add underwear bombers and birds to the list.

(Birds? Really? What kind of dumb-ass flock of birds gets sucked into a plane engine.)

Anyway. There is one awesome thing about planes..aside from how crazy-cute Captain Morgan looks in mini size....

SkyMall Magazine.

Seriously, I think I need to look into a subscription...because I don't fly that often...and how could I sleep at night knowing I might be missing out on products like

SkyRest

Steak monogrammer,
(available in any combination
of letters or just "D-BAG")

"Garden Yeti"

Garden Zombie

"Napping flat on your face" pillow

Stress relieving head massager.
Literally says "use it at your desk at work".

Because in this economy your job is totally safe if you're rockin' a space helmet.

I Blame Facebook

2011-01-09T20:52:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't blogged in a bajillion years and I'm trying to find something to blame it on like the lunar eclipse or MRSA or Obamacare... but the truth is...

I'm on Facebook every day. So every thought that should've gone here...has gone there.

My bad.

Therefore, in the tradition of Twitter Recap, I give you: Facebook Recap.

Review of "Dear John": With any other actor on the planet besides Channing Tatum, skip it. With Channing Tatum, riveting.

February 13, 2010 at 4:51pm · · Comment

Found out this morning that my 9 y.o daughter was up til midnight, in a cardboard box, on a laptop, whitening celebrities' teeth with photo software. I will say that Daniel Radcliff looks infinitely better.

April 9, 2010 at 9:38am · · Comment

Why I love the new VH1 dating show "What Chilli Wants": Requirements: tall, handsome, great body, no more than 2 babymamas.

April 12, 2010 at 1:02pm · · Comment

I need a 'dislike" button for the fact that they replaced the "become a fan" button" with a "like" button. Also - I need a button to become a fan of everything I just said.

April 21, 2010 at 6:56pm · · Comment

Drank a beer today for the first time since I was 15. With pizza. While bowling. WTF.

June 10, 2010 at 9:33pm · · Comment

My review of "Inception": Um....what?

July 31, 2010 at 11:57pm · · Comment

really? we have to have the game on in the family room AND the kitchen? It's not like it's the TrueBlood Season Finale....which starts in 3 hours, 2 minutes and 24 seconds.

September 12, 2010 at 5:58pm · · Comment

‎(loudspeaker throughout middle school open house last nite): "Someone left a set of car keys in room 202.." Everyone else: "idiot". me: "dammit."

September 17, 2010 at 6:25pm · · Comment

First day volunteering in the library has taught me this: Sometimes Life is the super-fun scanning gun, and sometimes it's re-shelving using the dewey decimal system.

September 21, 2010 at 3:41pm · · Comment

Ebay really should provide you with a photo and email of the person who outbid you. So you could spend the rest of the day harassing them.

September 22, 2010 at 12:55pm · · Comment

‎10 year old daughter's slumber party tonite..... Bieber Fever in the hiz-ouse.

September 24, 2010 at 11:41am · · Comment

No stink bugs today...........I sense they're plotting something.

September 26, 2010 at 3:14pm · · Comment

Crap. Put on one of my daughter's fake tattoos just for the hell of it....Now I want a real one.

September 28, 2010 at 3:27pm · · Comment

It's getting a little unnerving how accurate Facebook is getting with the customized ads. Right now I've got Crossfit, makeup, Twilight and Belvedere vodka. Stop stalking me, Facebook.

October 1, 2010 at 5:37pm · · Comment

13 year old: "What* is* 'rocket science'?" Me: "All the science involved in getting a rocket into space..like physics, engineering, math.." Her: "I thought you just pressed a button and the fire came out."

October 5, 2010 at 10:03am · · Comment

Saint Anthony totally just found my favorite black hoodie. I feel like I need to offer a sacrifice I'm so excited.

October 5, 2010 at 5:08pm · · Comment

Maybe saints don't take sacrifices. A fruit basket.

October 5, 2010 at 5:11pm · · Comment

Is it profiling to not accept a Linked In invite from Mongezi Mtati of South Africa? I'm pretty sure we're not "past colleagues".

October 13, 2010 at 2:35pm · · Comment

Just saw a well-dressed 60 year old woman in the grocery store grab some grapes, pop em in her mouth and keep walking. Really????

October 18, 2010 at 3:34pm · · Comment

Just got an email from TheirToys.com wanting me to 'review" a sex toy on my blog. Payment? I get to "keep the product". What- as opposed to the alternative?

October 18, 2010 at 6:46pm · · Comment

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself: W.W.J.J.D.?
What would Joan Jett do.

October 19, 2010 at 11:14am · · Comment

Please tell me why i have to spend an hour on a hayride out to a field of mutant pumpkins when there's perfectly good ones at Super Fresh.

October 24, 2010 at 10:04am · · Comment

‎"Sucks to be You" award: Hiccup Girl's cellmate.

October 25, 2010 at 11:18am · · Comment

No lie: the deli guy just asked why i haven't blogged in so long. I don't need this kind of pressure.

October 28, 2010 at 6:21pm · · Comment

‎18 year old stepson: "Dude, I'd cut off an arm to be married to Megan Fox."
18 year old friend: "Dude..I'd cut off both arms."
Me: "What's the point of being married to Megan Fox if you have no arms."

October 29, 2010 at 6:58am · · Comment

10 year old: "Mom - A girl said a bad word in my class today..."
Me: "Really?"
Her: "Yeah - she said D.-O.-O.-S.-H."

October 30, 2010 at 10:54am · · Comment

‎10 year old: "My teacher gave me a C+ cuz i didn't label my graphs."
Me: "Well THAT'S anal..."
Teen: "I thought 'anal' meant your bellybutton."
Me: "That's 'navel'"
10 year old: "What's 'anal??'"
Me: "Your butthole."
10 year old: "Real mature, Mom."

November 4, 2010 at 6:01pm · · Comment

Know what I'm NOT doing right now? Gettin' my Black Ops on.

November 9, 2010 at 5:18pm · · Comment

Bored. So I just friend requested 16 other Sue Wilkeys. This should be interesting.

November 11, 2010 at 7:35pm · · Comment

YES!!!! 3 Sue Wilkeys have confirmed my friend request so far....we are going to take over the world.

November 12, 2010 at 5:17pm · · Comment

happy sigh The Giant Schnauzer is at the groomer for the whole day - maybe 2. This is how the cast of Jersey Shore felt when Angelina left.

November 15, 2010 at 2:17pm · · Comment

Just finished watching "Charlie St. Cloud" with my daughters. In retrospect, "holy crap" was not the proper outburst when Zac Efron takes his shirt off to rescue the girl.

November 19, 2010 at 11:17pm · · Comment

just had to explain to my daughter the difference between "keepsake" "cheapskate" and "cheesesteak".

November 22, 2010 at 1:10pm · · Comment

Pharmacist just asked me to sign for Aleve Cold & Sinus.
Her: "It says you promise not to make this into meth amphetamine."
Me: "Like I have that kind of time."
Her:"Please sign ma'am."

November 28, 2010 at 4:19pm · · Comment

Probably my favorite part of the holiday season is that the UPS guys start running.

December 1, 2010 at 9:27am · · Comment

Just put away the air mattresses from Thanksgiving guests. Also - learned air mattress "is not a life saving device".

December 5, 2010 at 12:42pm · · Comment

Potato chips and wine: It's what's for dinner.

December 7, 2010 at 5:47pm · · Comment

I don't know which is worse: the Santa talk or the Sex talk. Both equally horrifying.

December 12, 2010 at 10:20am · · Comment

Number of minutes spent shopping at Borders: 65
Number of items carried around: 11
Number of minutes spent in line: 15
Number of credit cards in wallet: 0
FML.

December 20, 2010 at 3:44pm · · Comment

Ummmm... Santa is so efficient Santa has forgotten where he hid the presents. Really, don't leave me in charge of this stuff.

December 21, 2010 at 10:51am · · Comment

If my true love gave me the 12 Days of Christmas gifts, I'd be all: "Why all the birds?"

December 25, 2010 at 3:20pm · · Comment

Thinkin I'm gonna live 2011 off the grid.

January 2 at 8:03pm · · Comment

Another Great Moment in Parenting....blasted the original version of Cee lo's "F*ck You' in the kitchen last night. "Forget You" just doesn't cut it.

January 4 at 1:42pm · · Comment

Into Day 3 of pretending I don't know the hamster escaped.

January 5 at 3:20pm · · Comment

Facebook: Where the crap goes that's not long enough to make a blog post.

When Crafting Dolls Go Horribly, Horribly Wrong

2010-12-15T13:41:00.001-05:00

Sooooooooooo............yeah.

I've solved your last minute gift-giving dilemma cuz look!: "Birthing Dolls".

Good thing her breasts are covered by her very modest robe.

See how she's smiling?? So fun!!!!!!

(what even IS that???? A brain with a foot???)

Lady, childbirth may not be your biggest problem.

Really, it's tricky to crochet a good placenta.

Yeah, these'll run you about $150....but imagine the hours of fun! Pull him out, stuff him back in.....pull him out, stuff him back in.

I can't quite put my finger on what's missing here though....

Oh, right. The screaming. Duh.

A Royal Wedding!!!!?? Stab Me in the Brain With a Fork.

2010-11-30T17:48:00.001-05:00

OMG, OMG, OMG.

~~Alert the Franklin Mint~~.

Never mind they're on it:

Holy collectible coins and pill boxes. William and Kate are engaged.

I know, I know......it's gonna be like the biggest TiVo-tastic event of the decade...and a bajillion people are gonna watch it live....and the entire population of Britain and probably Wales is going to spontaneously combust from excitement...and Diana herself will probably ride down from heaven on a sparkly unicorn.

I'm trying to care, I swear.

I think maybe if he were THIS kind of prince

I'd tune in.

In any event, I have one wish for the future princess...and that is that there is a Franklin Mint baby doll made in her likeness.......

...because that's not creepy at all.

See? All I Needed Was An Extra Hour's Sleep. Also: This Post Has Lesbians.

2010-11-07T12:47:00.001-05:00

Voilá, I'm back.

I have a theory that my whole brain goes on Daylight Savings in the Spring, and that's why I get writer's block.

Thanks a lot, Ben Franklin. Great idea. You maybe coulda used that extra hour each day inventing the condom, then you wouldn't have gotten syphilis.

First, can I just tell you why I love Bruno Mars? ("Just the Way You Are") No, not because of the song...Because he got busted for cocaine possession and this was his mugshot:

As my 10 year old said, "It looks like his school picture."

Oh. but: Stay in School...Hugs not Drugs...Just Say No.

Ha. I just realized Nike's slogan is Just Do It. You can see how it could get confusing.

Anyway. My Public Service Announcement for the day is: If you want to find Dick's Sporting Goods online..it's not Dicks.com. Like ...it's SO not Dicks.com.

and I just need to know this:

Guys. What is it with the lesbian fascination.

No.......they really don't.

As far as I can tell, they really are goin out of their way to NOT deal with you.

They would rather buy a plastic appendage made in China than deal with your anatomy.

There are entire CRUISES for lesbians...whose sole purpose is to relieve them from having to interact with you in any way.

Top selling lesbian porn movie?: "Where The Boys Aren't (10)".
Top consumer of "Where The Boys Aren't"? Boys.

I suspect you think they're playing playing hard to get....

C'mon - let's hear your theories...we all have an extra hour.

Double Rainbow

2010-10-07T16:30:00.000-04:00

I love this dude. LOVE him. It's a double rainbow and his mind is blown.

Jesus, That's Random.

2010-10-03T17:06:00.002-04:00

If you don't pay attention to the highway guardrails, you might miss some important info.

Spotted this a couple days ago. Pulled the car over, jumped out, looked both ways, darted through traffic, took a cellphone pic and thought: "Isn't 'judgement' spelled with an E?"

Nevertheless. How glad are you guys that I saw this!

So my first thought, as always, is: 'What does this mean for ME.' And the answer is, I have a lot less time left than I thought cuz according to the movie...and the Mayans...we all had until December 2012, so: total rip.

And by the way, I'm no historian, but who decided the MAYANS know everything? When did the MAYANS become like the FrankinCovey of man's existence?

Where was I.

Oh yeah. Jesus.

So I texted him.

Me: may 21 2011 wtf?

Jesus: hahaha

Me: random

Jesus: :)

Me: u cant wait til dec 2012?

Jesus: ?

Me: mayans. 2012. big movie. John Cusak

Jesus: mayannnnnnnssss LOL

Me: great. so 7 mos?

Jesus: and 3 wks :D

Me: how am i looking?

Jesus: ur fine. haha jk

Me: nice

Dammit.

2010-10-01T15:12:00.001-04:00

My Palms Are Literally Sweating From The Awkwardness

2010-09-27T09:21:00.005-04:00

Oh my God.

Oh. My. God.

Stayfree Maxipads? Has created a web commercial with a shirtless dude that is quite possibly the most douche-tastic/awkward/cringe-inducing 3 minutes to ever hit the interwebs.

I have to watch it like I'm watching a slasher movie. Through my fingers.

At any moment I'm sure my computer screen is going to implode because it has called some worm-hole of awkwardness in the the universe.

So- here: don't say I didn't warn you..... and tell me if you think he has a raisin stuck to his butt.

This Just In: Apples Not Falling Far From Trees

2010-09-22T15:02:00.001-04:00

Here's the problem with the Nature vs. Nurture debate when it comes to my kids' behavior in the universe.

There's no winning. It's both.

My genes + my behavior = conformity Fail.

Is this not every mom's bedtime ritual with their 10 year old daughter?
Me: "Love you.."
Her: "Love you."
Me: "Forever..."
Her: "and ever."
(together) "More than the moon and the stars and the universe"
(Fist bump-explosion)
(Soulja Boy dance together) "SUPAman... o- now wa' me YOUuuuuuu.....now wa' me YOUuuuuuuu..."
(see below :30-:45)

Swear to God. I do the Soulja Boy every night with my 4th grader. Sometimes we do it in a British accent.

Anyway, the other night I'm rifling through her school papers trying to figure out why she's fallen behind in homework and she's got THIS proudly tucked in the front of her folder:

Which, while awesome, is giving me an eerily familiar glimpse into her prioritizing.

SO we had a big talk about buckling down... and the importance of homework.... and her response was this.

Her: "Can I wear my mustache?'
Me: "Of course."

Never Forget

2010-09-10T23:01:00.000-04:00

I ask this every year, but I think it's important to remember....where were you when you heard?

Pet Math

2010-09-10T08:45:00.001-04:00

Giant Schnauzer with Post-Traumatic

Stress Syndrome from 4th of July fireworks

plus +

white trash neighbor

happy hour target practice

equals =

screen door fail.

Happy Friday to me.

Football Season Has Begun! Go Red Sox.

2010-09-06T11:48:00.004-04:00

I don't know how else to put this.

I don't care about football.

Pro......college.......flag...... don't care.

Don't get it, don't understand it, don't watch it.

Yes, I was a cheerleader in high school. Cuz here's the thing: Outfits? Adorable. Black skirt, white sweater with a big red "R", pom-poms.... it's important to pick your sports based on the cuteness quotient of the uniform. My other two sports in high school were field hockey and tennis, no lie. Win or lose, at the end of the day you're wearing a cute skirt.

Then in college, my girlfriends and I made every single football game. We just didn't get beyond the parking lot tailgate. The mass exodus of everybody else going back into the game was like holding a party with intermissions.

It makes my husband mental when I actually do sit down while he's trying to watch a game and start asking questions.

"Is that guy allowed to have hair that long?"
"Why are they all wearing black arm bands?"
"Why do they keep showing that woman? Is that his wife?"
"Why doesn't the coach know the Gatorade bucket is coming?"
"How do they draw those computer lines under the players?"
"HE'S cute."

But! I am going to be a good sport and get into the whole Fantasy Football thing.....

Here is my Fantasy Football starting lineup:

We are going to kick ass.

Weekend LOL Video

2010-09-04T10:05:00.001-04:00

Have an awesome Labor Day Weekend, dads....rock on.

The Only Thing Worse Than Being a Chilean Miner Trapped Underground For a Month

2010-09-02T16:43:00.006-04:00

....is being the Chilean miner whose wife and mistress just found out about each other while holding vigils above ground.

"f*ck my life"

True story, read about it today.

Dude.

How bad does your life have to suck when 32 guys trapped 700 meters underground with limited light, excessive heat, rationed food and the promise of MAYBE getting rescued by Christmas.....feel bad for you.

What I really wanna see? Is Rescue Day.

They'll be all "Dios mio!!! They've broken through! We are saved! Manuel, mi amigo! Lets go!!'

and he'll be all "Nah, I'm good....I'm gonna....you know, clean up the place....you guys go ahead."

Twitter Recap

2010-08-16T13:46:00.001-04:00

If you're not following me on Twitter, this is what you've missed. Honestly, I don't know how you function.

I strongly disagree with the river tubing company's giant sign. Alcohol and tubing DO mix.
2:21 PM June 28th via Twhirl

9 year old : "How do people with afros wear helmets?"
3:30 PM July 5th via Twhirl

Our fireworks were so kickass last night that the dog ran away overnight.
8:03PM July 5th via Twhirl

Summer homework is such a f*cking buzzkill
10:45 PM July 18th via Twhirl

OOooh. Hot guy just ran up my cul-de-sac. How fast can I make a lemonade stand.
10:45 AM July 19th via Twhirl

BlogHer just suspended my ads for lack of posting. Feel like a grounded teenager. I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN! Or something.
6:20 PM July 19th via Twhirl

How completely epic would it be if Kevin Costner does, in fact, save the Gulf.
6:24 PM July 20th via Twhirl

Teen: "She's not texting me back." Me: "Why don't you call her house?" Teen: "That's weird."
7:53 PM July 23rd via Twhirl

My muffler just fell off. Or my tailpipe. It's a rusty metal tubey-thingy. Do I need it?
4:25 PM July 25th via Twhirl

9 year old: "Do all the astronauts on the moon live together?'
9:39 AM Aug 3rd via Twhirl

True story: Trainer just texted me: "Sorry I called your shoulders 'old pieces of meat'. I apologize."
2:03 PM Aug 11th via Twhirl

OK people, I have a petition here for the kids to go back to school a week early. Who's with me.
11:23 AM August 13th via Twhirl

These kids are so far up my ass I feel like I'm giving birth.
11:25 AM August 13th via Twhirl

OK this is an opening line you never wanna hear: "Mom? you know that green plastic stuff Ziggy threw up yesterday?..."
10:25 AM August 15th via Twhirl

"....now there's a string of it coming out of her butt." FML.
10:26 AM August 15th via Twhirl

Weekend LOL Video

2010-08-13T20:01:00.004-04:00

How bad do I want a fainting goat.

Holy CRAP That Was Fun

2010-08-11T14:54:00.003-04:00

So 3 days later, I think the vodka is finally out of my bloodstream from BlogHer '10.

I learned many, many things... but if I could share just one with you, it would be this: After drinking and dancing til 4 am, just because the mini-bar in your room HAS vodka and cranberry juice? Doesn't mean you should MAKE some.

You're welcome.

Roomed with blond bombshell extraordinaire Lisalicious from Mommedy for the 2nd year in a row because A.) She is my best friend and B.) I get lots of free stuff when I'm with her.

In hindsight, could have done without the free "mind-eraser" shots, but as we've already discussed, my judgement wasn't exactly on high-alert.

Were there any guys there? Hell yes.

Hey, a girl can still look, right?

I'm gonna wager that this is one of the few conferences that sports both a Metamucil booth and a vibrator booth...

All I can tell you is: One of these tables? I had to elbow my way in to get a pic. For real.

And sometimes....if you're lucky.........

You'll run into a celebrity so awesome you find yourself begging to take a picture..

and he signs his autographs:

"Love, The Sun".

Yes, I'll Be Posting About BlogHer....

2010-08-08T21:29:00.005-04:00

but.

I got to bed at 5am.

On account of I was dancing at Posh in NYC til it closed.

Wait, you're saying. Isn't Posh a gay bar?

Where hot young men go to meet other hot young men?

yes.

yes it is.

Drive-bys and Chicken Gangs

2010-07-23T12:53:00.002-04:00

So you know your writer's block is bad when your advertisers inform you that you're not going to get "paid" unless you "post" more "often"..in fact they're going to "remove" their "ads" until they see "fresh content".

Translation: Ragu is not going to send me a check for drinking iced coffee by the pool.

I feel like a grounded teenager.

Anyway. My anxiety-ridden 9 year old (the one who wants to know if I've ever used my pepper spray on a Ninja and who practices her stop-drop-and roll...) has a new fear.

Her: "Mom? I'm really scared."
Me: "Scared of what?"
Her: "Drive-bys. I don't want you to get killed in a drive-by."

My neighborhood:

You can't really see in this picture, but that mailbox is riddled with bullet holes.

So, I explained about there being no gang activity in the immediate vicinity....but I may have spoken too soon because yesterday I looked out my window and saw this:

The f*ck.

Husband: "Those are domesticated chickens. You can tell. They don't run away."

Me: "You mean as opposed to super-fast WILD chickens?"

Husband: "Yes, wiseass.. for every animal there is a wild version."

Me: "So wild hamsters?"

Husband: (rolls eyes. walks away.)

I'm just askin:

Happy Meals & Happy Hour

Kindles Are For Porn

Amazon So Doesn't Care About My Writer's Block

Harry Potter Recap. Sort Of.

Rapture a Success!

LOL I Almost Took An Anti-Nuclear Radiation Pill Instead of a Multivitamin

Oh, SkyMall...Why Didn't I Think Of That.

I Blame Facebook

Review of "Dear John": With any other actor on the planet besides Channing Tatum, skip it. With Channing Tatum, riveting.

Found out this morning that my 9 y.o daughter was up til midnight, in a cardboard box, on a laptop, whitening celebrities' teeth with photo software. I will say that Daniel Radcliff looks infinitely better.

Why I love the new VH1 dating show "What Chilli Wants": Requirements: tall, handsome, great body, no more than 2 babymamas.

I need a 'dislike" button for the fact that they replaced the "become a fan" button" with a "like" button. Also - I need a button to become a fan of everything I just said.

Drank a beer today for the first time since I was 15. With pizza. While bowling. WTF.

My review of "Inception": Um....what?

really? we have to have the game on in the family room AND the kitchen? It's not like it's the TrueBlood Season Finale....which starts in 3 hours, 2 minutes and 24 seconds.

‎(loudspeaker throughout middle school open house last nite): "Someone left a set of car keys in room 202.." Everyone else: "idiot". me: "dammit."

First day volunteering in the library has taught me this: Sometimes Life is the super-fun scanning gun, and sometimes it's re-shelving using the dewey decimal system.

Ebay really should provide you with a photo and email of the person who outbid you. So you could spend the rest of the day harassing them.

‎10 year old daughter's slumber party tonite..... Bieber Fever in the hiz-ouse.

No stink bugs today...........I sense they're plotting something.

Crap. Put on one of my daughter's fake tattoos just for the hell of it....Now I want a real one.

It's getting a little unnerving how accurate Facebook is getting with the customized ads. Right now I've got Crossfit, makeup, Twilight and Belvedere vodka. Stop stalking me, Facebook.

13 year old: "What* is* 'rocket science'?" Me: "All the science involved in getting a rocket into space..like physics, engineering, math.." Her: "I thought you just pressed a button and the fire came out."

Saint Anthony totally just found my favorite black hoodie. I feel like I need to offer a sacrifice I'm so excited.

Maybe saints don't take sacrifices. A fruit basket.

Is it profiling to not accept a Linked In invite from Mongezi Mtati of South Africa? I'm pretty sure we're not "past colleagues".

Just saw a well-dressed 60 year old woman in the grocery store grab some grapes, pop em in her mouth and keep walking. Really????

Just got an email from TheirToys.com wanting me to 'review" a sex toy on my blog. Payment? I get to "keep the product". What- as opposed to the alternative?

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself: W.W.J.J.D.? What would Joan Jett do.

Please tell me why i have to spend an hour on a hayride out to a field of mutant pumpkins when there's perfectly good ones at Super Fresh.

‎"Sucks to be You" award: Hiccup Girl's cellmate.

No lie: the deli guy just asked why i haven't blogged in so long. I don't need this kind of pressure.

‎18 year old stepson: "Dude, I'd cut off an arm to be married to Megan Fox." 18 year old friend: "Dude..I'd cut off both arms." Me: "What's the point of being married to Megan Fox if you have no arms."

10 year old: "Mom - A girl said a bad word in my class today..." Me: "Really?" Her: "Yeah - she said D.-O.-O.-S.-H."

‎10 year old: "My teacher gave me a C+ cuz i didn't label my graphs." Me: "Well THAT'S anal..." Teen: "I thought 'anal' meant your bellybutton." Me: "That's 'navel'" 10 year old: "What's 'anal??'" Me: "Your butthole." 10 year old: "Real mature, Mom."

Know what I'm NOT doing right now? Gettin' my Black Ops on.

Bored. So I just friend requested 16 other Sue Wilkeys. This should be interesting.

YES!!!! 3 Sue Wilkeys have confirmed my friend request so far....we are going to take over the world.

**happy sigh** The Giant Schnauzer is at the groomer for the whole day - maybe 2. This is how the cast of Jersey Shore felt when Angelina left.

Just finished watching "Charlie St. Cloud" with my daughters. In retrospect, "holy crap" was not the proper outburst when Zac Efron takes his shirt off to rescue the girl.

just had to explain to my daughter the difference between "keepsake" "cheapskate" and "cheesesteak".

Pharmacist just asked me to sign for Aleve Cold & Sinus. Her: "It says you promise not to make this into meth amphetamine." Me: "Like I have that kind of time." Her:"Please sign ma'am."

Probably my favorite part of the holiday season is that the UPS guys start running.

Just put away the air mattresses from Thanksgiving guests. Also - learned air mattress "is not a life saving device".

Potato chips and wine: It's what's for dinner.

I don't know which is worse: the Santa talk or the Sex talk. Both equally horrifying.

Number of minutes spent shopping at Borders: 65 Number of items carried around: 11 Number of minutes spent in line: 15 Number of credit cards in wallet: 0 FML.

Ummmm... Santa is so efficient Santa has forgotten where he hid the presents. Really, don't leave me in charge of this stuff.

If my true love gave me the 12 Days of Christmas gifts, I'd be all: "Why all the birds?"

Thinkin I'm gonna live 2011 off the grid.

Another Great Moment in Parenting....blasted the original version of Cee lo's "F*ck You' in the kitchen last night. "Forget You" just doesn't cut it.

Into Day 3 of pretending I don't know the hamster escaped.

When Crafting Dolls Go Horribly, Horribly Wrong

A Royal Wedding!!!!?? Stab Me in the Brain With a Fork.

See? All I Needed Was An Extra Hour's Sleep. Also: This Post Has Lesbians.

Double Rainbow

Jesus, That's Random.

Dammit.

My Palms Are Literally Sweating From The Awkwardness

This Just In: Apples Not Falling Far From Trees

Never Forget

Pet Math

Football Season Has Begun! Go Red Sox.

Weekend LOL Video

The Only Thing Worse Than Being a Chilean Miner Trapped Underground For a Month

Twitter Recap

Weekend LOL Video

Holy CRAP That Was Fun

Yes, I'll Be Posting About BlogHer....

Drive-bys and Chicken Gangs

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself: W.W.J.J.D.?
What would Joan Jett do.

‎18 year old stepson: "Dude, I'd cut off an arm to be married to Megan Fox."
18 year old friend: "Dude..I'd cut off both arms."
Me: "What's the point of being married to Megan Fox if you have no arms."

10 year old: "Mom - A girl said a bad word in my class today..."
Me: "Really?"
Her: "Yeah - she said D.-O.-O.-S.-H."

‎10 year old: "My teacher gave me a C+ cuz i didn't label my graphs."
Me: "Well THAT'S anal..."
Teen: "I thought 'anal' meant your bellybutton."
Me: "That's 'navel'"
10 year old: "What's 'anal??'"
Me: "Your butthole."
10 year old: "Real mature, Mom."

happy sigh The Giant Schnauzer is at the groomer for the whole day - maybe 2. This is how the cast of Jersey Shore felt when Angelina left.

Pharmacist just asked me to sign for Aleve Cold & Sinus.
Her: "It says you promise not to make this into meth amphetamine."
Me: "Like I have that kind of time."
Her:"Please sign ma'am."

Number of minutes spent shopping at Borders: 65
Number of items carried around: 11
Number of minutes spent in line: 15
Number of credit cards in wallet: 0
FML.