Funny Deaths | Stupid Deaths | Ha Ha, You Died!

You're Dead, Jim, You April Fool.

2009-06-08T18:10:00.008-04:00

Someone once said "Jim Bailey was a thrill seeker." Someone also once said "Driving a car without good breaks is like skydiving without a parachute." Unfortunately, Jim Bailey never heard that phrase before. In fact, he didn't think he was about to go skydiving at all when he decided to try out his stunt.

Suspended from an airplane by a flimsy harness, Jim Bailey went from stunt man to stunted man once the damn thing broke. He managed to put up a little fight, hanging from the axle by his hands, but it wasn't enough. There are a few things that made this situation worse. First of all, he had no parachute. Secondly, it's all on video. I wouldn't post the video here if it was full of gore and nasty, but it isn't. Thidly, this was on April 1st, 1981. Tempting the fates of the fools much?

So take it all in and remember, don't do stupid shit. It will kill you.

Jim Bailey (? - 1981)

Hangkok In Bangkok

2009-06-05T12:19:00.007-04:00

"Natural causes" my ass. Actually, I guess any time you die because you can't breathe, or your heart stops, it could be considered natural. If you kept living, that would be some unnatural, demonic, android shit. Unfortunately for David Carradine, when you have a public image, what you do with your privates, in private, will eventually become public. That is even more true if it winds up killing you.

Apparently, Carradine was found in a closet, with a rope around his neck and his genitals. Now, auto-erotic asphyxiation has killed people before, including some famous ones, but none of them were naked inside of a closet at a hotel. There is also a report that his hands were tied behind his back. Does this mean that someone else was in there with him? If so, didn't they realize that a safe word is pointless when you're choking and can't talk?

Either way, unless he was murdered, which I doubt, this is one hell of a stupid way for a healthy 72-year-old to leave this world. Whether Bill killed Bill, or it was some hooker turning some Beatrix on his Kiddo, with a rope tied around his Hanzo and his sword, it just ain't right.

David Carradine (1936 - 2009)

Source: http://www.nationmultimedia.com/2009/06/04/headlines/headlines_30104421.php

Dear Dinosaurs,

2009-05-12T13:54:00.036-04:00

You ruled the earth for 160 million years. You were an extremely diverse group. Many of your kind grew to tremendous sizes, dwarfing most animals alive today. You've been called the most successful animals to ever walk the face of the Earth. BULLSHIT. Ever heard of Bill Gates? That guy’s worth like $50 billion and is way more successful than you’ll ever be.

And, here’s the kicker: You’re all dead! Nothing but fossils and footprints remain to document your existence. And, please don’t give me that “birds are dinosaurs” crap. A parakeet is no dinosaur, sirs. Good try though.

By the way, what species lived on after your sorry-asses became extinct? Are your tiny brains preventing you from coming up with the correct answer? OK, I'll give it to you: mammals. That's right, those little furry things to which you barely paid any mind.

Feeling a little angry? Want to take a swing at us? Ha ha! Good look trying with those little T-Rex arms of yours.

And, now that you’re dead, we mammals are free to sully your image with awful movies and television shows like “Denver, the Last Dinosaur”, and that other one with the stupid-ass baby dinosaur that yelled “Not the mama!” over and over. Why do we do this? It’s simple -- because we can.

So go fuck yourselves, Dinosaurs. It was nice knowing you. Enjoy extinction.

Sincerely,

The Mammals

Dinosaurs (225 million to 65 million years ago)

Sex From Above, Death Below!

2009-05-01T17:49:00.005-04:00

There seems to be a lot of people who forget all the basics of life during the throws of passion. I don't quite understand what makes people get down and dirty in dangerous ways, but Brent Tyler and Chelsea Tumbleston got naked on the roof of a 4 story building, and fell.

I'm quite sure they stated making some fuck, but I'm not sure that they finished before they hit the ground. Many people say that when they die they want it to be while having sex, but I'm sure that most people want to finish and then die. These guys were found alive, naked on the ground, and died on the way to the hospital. Not quite as exciting.

Seriously, keep the sex indoors, at least if you're elevated. Otherwise, go have fun, you horny idiots.

Brent Tyler and Chelsea Tumbleston (1986 - 2007)

Source: http://www.wistv.com/global/story.asp?s=6683978

How The Hell Can You Drown In 6 Inches Of Water?

2009-04-30T18:16:00.006-04:00

But really... how? I imagine you have to be pretty bad at swimming, or do something incredibly stupid to get yourself into a situation where even 6 inches of water could drown your stupid ass. Well, back in 1906, John Cullen found out exactly what that special something was.

On his way home one midnight, for some reason John tried to climb over a barbed wire fence and got his feet tangled up so bad that he couldn't save himself. I'm guessing that there must have been a puddle right next to the fence or something, but come on! I hope he was drunk or something because that is just pathetic. Was barbed wire a new thing back then? At any rate, it just goes to show you that we should be worried about EVERYTHING, not just the swine flu. When something as outlandish as a puddle of water could be a death instrument, who knows what danger lurks at every corner.

John Cullen (? - 1906)

Source: http://query.nytimes.com/mem/archive-free/pdf?_r=1&res=9B0DEEDB1531E733A25755C2A9649C946797D6CF

Pole Shock

2009-04-21T17:53:00.037-04:00

Why did the Polish guy piss on the electrified rail?

Are you waiting for the punchline? Well, it isn’t coming, because some moron actually did this, and now he’s dead. If you’re thinking: “Well, he’s Polish, so that makes sense”, then you definitely need culture sensitivity training. Stupidity crosses all ethnic lines, and no group has a monopoly on doing dumb shit, not even Polish people.

According to reports, the 41-year-old Polish man was visiting London to improve his English. While at Vauxhall station in south London, he was observed on closed-circuit TV cameras walking into a recessed area, from which he failed to reappear.

It is there that officials believe our luckless Pole answered the call of nature, urinating on a live rail surging with 750-volts. You already know how this story ends.

According to an unnamed source, “Perhaps because he was from Poland he had no idea the rail was electrified.” Really? Do you seriously think they don't know about electrified rails in Poland? You have to admire the unapologetic bigotry exhibited by this unnamed source. C'mon people, can't we move beyond these hurtful stereotypes already?

By the way, for any Polish readers still with us, the title of this post works on two levels. Yep. Think about it. I'll give you a minute.

Unnamed Polack (1967 - 2008)

Source: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23518902-details/Urinating+man+electrocuted/article.do

Sudden Death!

2009-04-18T10:30:00.004-04:00

As if the Nintendo Wii wasn’t already dangerous enough, what with flying Wiimotes, low-res graphics (Hello? Ever hear of eye strain?), and loads of shovelware threatening to devour your hard-earned cash, it seems a new threat has emerged in the form of the innocuous looking Wii Fit board.

The first casualty of this no doubt looming epidemic is Lewis Hickin, of Norfolk, England; only 25-years old, a drummer in a rock ‘n roll band, and a scout leader, Hickin was healthy, and could most likely tie a hitch knot.

Nevertheless, after ordering a kebab and sipping a glass of port wine, Hickin stepped onto the Wii Fit board for a little afternoon gaming sesh. While jogging in place, he suddenly collapsed to the floor. His girlfriend and friend phoned an ambulance and tried to revive him, but their efforts were for naught, as he would be pronounced dead upon arriving at the hospital.

The official cause of death still remains a mystery, although officials believe it to be a case of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome, aka SADS, aka we don’t have a fucking clue.

Here's the part where I usually end with a joke, but I'm a little freaked out by killer Wii Fit boards, and the prospect of being struck dead by SADS, so I think I'll stop typing now and lie motionless in the corner for a while.

Lewis Hickin (1984 – 2009)

Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5074714/Fit-and-healthy-25-year-old-died-using-Nintendo-Wii-Fit-game.html

No Mulligans!

2009-04-14T16:30:00.003-04:00

"Wheeeee! Ouch! Ooof! Grunt! Mother!" No, those aren’t the sweet sounds of love-making. Rather, they are what I imagine to be the last sounds uttered by someone who has just gone careening off a 25-foot embankment and is now tumbling to their death.

That’s what happened to Edwin Payne, 65-years old, and recently retired. While out playing a round of golf, Mr. Payne, who had just taken a mulligan due to a wayward tee shot, returned to the tee to hit a second ball, and then hopped into his 2003 Club Car DS electric golf cart to go after it.

That’s when the cart starting bouncing around, jostling Mr. Payne, causing him to lose control, jump a curb, careen down the aforementioned embankment, and then sail off a 100-foot cliff. Payne was ejected from the vehicle and deposited on a bike lane alongside a highway. He would not survive the fall, unsurprisingly.

I bring you this story in the spirit of the Masters, which just recently ended, with the green jacket being awarded to Angel (pronounced An-hell if you want to sound smart in golf circles. What? You don’t belong to any golf circles? I pity you.) Cabrera. The point of mentioning this? Absolutely none. I just needed some filler.

In conclusion, I'd wager Mr. Payne probably wishes he could take a do-over on that last, wild ride of his, because there ain't nothing funny about tumbling to your death in a golf cart. Nothing at all. So stop your smirking.

Edwin Payne (1942- 2007)

Source: http://www.ocregister.com/ocregister/homepage/abox/article_1703247.php

Won't You Please Help The Dollar?

2009-04-13T18:45:00.004-04:00

I consider myself extremely fortunate to have been born in the United States, a country where we live in relative opulence compared to most of the world, and where we are free to spend money on useless crap like Bumper Nuts, if it pleases us. But some, sadly, are not so lucky.

Take the case of the poor Zimbabwean dollar, born in 1980 in Zimbabwe – its life was tragically cut short in March 2009 after it had inflated to astronomical values. At one point, the government announced plans to issue a $100 trillion note, estimated to be worth around $30 US dollars. (ed’s note: I’ve never taken a college-level economics course, cannot balance my checkbook, and suck at figuring out the tip, but even I know that’s not good).

Back in March, the finance minister of Zimbabwe pronounced the dollar dead, telling members of parliament: “The death of the (Zimbabwean) dollar is a reality we have to live with...Since October 2008, our national currency has become moribund.” Have you ever heard a more touching elegy?

Sadly, it seems even Sally Struthers efforts could not have saved the hapless dollar as it rapidly diminished in value and withered away.

Farewell Zimbabwean dollar. You will be missed.

Zimbabwean dollar (1980 – 2009)

Source: http://www.upi.com/Business_News/2009/03/20/Zimbabwean-dollar-pronounced-dead/UPI-64171237570510/

Premature Incineration

2009-04-10T19:46:00.001-04:00

There is just something special about a suicide bomber. I don't mean special in the "how precious, let's all hug you" sort of way. I mean special "drooling all over yourself on the shortest short bus, while doing whatever some dumbass tells you to do" kind of special. We don't get to deal with that kind of shit every day, and boy, are we glad about that.

So, usually when dealing with a suicide bomber, stupidity, fanaticism, and a lack of logic are all a given. However, when you self-detonate before you are supposed to, taking out six of your partners in crime at the same time, you're not just an idiot... you're a hero!

Rarely can we call terrorists of any sort a hero, but thankfully you've done such a BANG up job that we can thank you for it. Unfortunately, you left us without telling us who you were, but you'll always have a special place in our hearts... a place that is singed and littered with charred body parts.

Unknown (? - 2009)

Source: http://story.argentinastar.com/index.php/ct/9/cid/e974f944f2e7496e/id/482512/cs/1/

Shop Till You Drop!

2009-04-09T20:10:00.006-04:00

No matter what you are going through in life, suicide is clearly not the answer. Already a selfish act, it is even more boneheaded and idiotic to do it in a public place and in a way that might hurt other people. Oh, sure, you're already hurting your family, friends, or anyone else that gives a shit about you to begin with, but when you jump off an upper level at the mall you should at least yell out "Look out below!" to warn unsuspecting innocent bystanders!

Furthermore, landing on someone who is sitting in a massage chair is just messed up. There someone is, just trying to relax and be free of stress and you have to go and land on them. Thankfully the kid wasn't killed, but he'll be mentally and physically scarred for life. Seriously, the phrase "look before you leap" exists for a reason! It would be pretty hard to miss seeing this kid if you just looked!

You know, how about everyone else that also had to witness this shit? Children are going to need therapy and someone had to clean that mess up. What a selfish cunt. Suicide is wrong, but if you must do it, do it in private and leave a damn note that keeps the ambiguity out of it.

Mary Lovelace (1954 - 2009)

Source: http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/08/suicide-at-queens-mall-stirs-alarm/

Here, There Be Effin' Dragons!

2009-04-08T17:45:00.014-04:00

Would you believe me if I told you that walking the face of the Earth at this very moment are 9-foot-long dragons, with razor sharp teeth, and deadly, poisonous bites?

Well, if you don’t believe me, it doesn’t matter, because you’re an idiot. They are called Komodo Dragons, stupid, and they inhabit various islands around Indonesia. Some other fun facts about Komodo Dragons: they are cannibalistic; also, female dragons have been known to lay eggs and produce viable offspring even when no male is present (freaky!).

Despite the incontrovertible evidence of their existence, my mind refuses to acknowledge that there are dragons among us. That’s why I have to laugh at the fate of an Indonesia fisherman named Muhamad Anwa who, in 2009, had an unfortunate run-in with two Komodo Dragons as he attempted to procure some fruit from a sugar-apple tree on the remote island of Komodo. Note to self: stay far away from the remote island of Komodo.

Anyhoo, as Anwa was climbing the tree, he apparently fell and was attacked by the Komodos. His mangled body was recovered by other fisherman who rushed him to a nearby hospital, but he would be pronounced DOA. Too bad for Anwa.

I have to ask: isn’t getting killed by a dragon a bit like getting killed by a unicorn? I mean, dude, you got killed by made-up animal. Or...maybe it's like getting killed by a Narwhale. Nobody actually believes those exist.

Note to self: research any and all Narwhale related deaths.

Muhamad Anwa (1978 – 2009)

Source: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/03/24/komodo.dragon/index.html

Master-Baiter

2009-04-02T16:45:00.012-04:00

California native Jeff Twaddle, 54 -- Can I pause for a moment to point out what an awesome last name that is? Urban Dictionary offers the following definition:

1. To waddle due to an object inserted in one's bearded taco.

But I digress. Twaddle was a crew member on board a boat chartered to take some elementary school students from L.A. on a fishing trip. I imagine he was probably a fun guy to hang with. As evidence of this, he attempted to amuse the students by baiting a fish and sticking it in his mouth.

Things became unfunny very quickly, however, when he began choking on the fish. Crew members tried valiantly to save him, but were unsuccessful in their efforts. He would eventually become unconscious, go into full cardiac arrest, and later be pronounced dead at the hospital.

The autopsy would list the cause of death as "aspiration of fish", thus clearing up any uncertainty about the circumstances surrounding Twaddle's fishy death, and also ensuring that he would forever be remembered as the guy who choked to death on a fish, but not the guy with the last name that also means "To diddle one's twat."

Now, that's the real tragedy in my opinion.

Jeff Twaddle (1955 - 2009)

Source: http://www.latimes.com/news/la-me-choked-on-fish2-2009apr02,0,5570516.story

Hold The Pickles

2009-03-27T06:48:00.005-04:00

I have the utmost respect for individuals who are supremely competent at their jobs -- whether they are a firefighter, garbage man, school teacher, or jizz mopper in a peep-show booth. It doesn't matter. The point is, competence is not an easy thing to come by these days.

That said, even competent people make mistakes every now and then, but the severity of the consequences of those mistakes varies greatly depending on one's line of work. Let me give you an example:

If I go into McDonalds and ask for a hamburger without pickles, and I'm served a hamburger with pickles, nobody dies. If, however, I'm having a heart attack, and when the paramedics arrive, the best they can do is offer me a hamburger with pickles, the consequences might be very different. That's not quite what happened in this case, but it’s close enough.

A 39-year-old gentleman, from lovely Washington, “still not a state” D.C., called 911 to complain of chest pain and trouble breathing. Paramedics were dispatched, and when they arrived at the complainant’s house, ran some tests on him, and asked what he had had for dinner -- a burger, coincidentally. Since the tests results came back normal, they told the man he was probably just experiencing heart-burn and suggested he take some Tums. Whoops.

Six hour later, the man was found lying on the floor, dead of a massive heart attack. Uh-oh. Now, I’m not saying that the paramedics were incompetent, but damn if they didn’t serve this dude some sour pickles when he clearly didn't want any.

Edward Givens (1969 - 2008)

Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/03/AR2008120303696.html

Isn't It Ironic, Don't You Think?

2009-03-26T07:22:00.015-04:00

"It's like raaaiiin on your wedding day. It's a free...". Wait a minute. How is rain on your wedding day ironic? Moving on...

George Eisenhart Jr., 41 years young, was the president of a company that promoted monster truck shows. Tragically, at one of these shows, a 6-year-old boy was struck and killed by debris flung off a truck as it was doing donuts.

In an effort to do some damage control, George later told a local news outlet:

"This is our 16th year, and I wish I had a big piece of wood to knock on right now, but we have not had an incident besides a gal slipping in the aisle at another location...We think our venue is very safe and all the shows we do are very safe."

At another show, only days after the incident, George became the unwitting player in our tale of irony when he was run down and killed by a monster truck while walking through a restricted area.

I bet George wishes he had had that big piece of wood handy. Nevertheless, I have a hunch he would mostly likely chuckle at the delicious irony inherent in this story. Then again, I suppose it's difficult to appreciate anything delicious, much less irony, when you're dead.

George Eisenhart Jr. (1968 - 2009)

Source: http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=6727878&page=1

Death: Now Delievered In 30 Minutes Or Less!

2009-03-25T18:09:00.011-04:00

Brian Douglas Wells was something of an underachiever. After dropping out of high school in 1973, he managed to stick with his dead end pizza delivery job for almost 30 years. His last pizza delivery would definitely be the most memorable.

Being a stickler for customer satisfaction, when Marjorie Diehl-Armstrong and Kenneth Barnes told him that the time-bomb they had tied around his neck was fake, he believed them. They had planned a bank heist together with him before this date, and a very important part of stealing money, is making sure that you get away from it alive.

He was going to tell the cops that he was a hostage and that men planted the bomb on him so that they could get their demands met. Unfortunately, before he left the guys, they let him know that the bomb was actually real. Talk about a mind blowing reveal!

Anyhow, they gave him a nifty shotgun that looked like a cane and told him to go steal $250,000 from the bank and tell the police the original story. He did and the cops called in the bomb squad. Unfortunately for him, it was in fact a real time bomb after all. Three minutes, yes, just three minutes before the bomb squad showed up, Brian was given the gift of a fist-sized hole in his chest.

Kids, please, finish high school, and if you're so inclined have some post-secondary schooling or training... you don't want to wind up like this gullible imbecile, do you?

Brian Douglas Wells (1956 - 2003)

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Douglas_Wells

Sometimes Rubbers Don't Just Kill Sperm

2009-03-24T20:06:00.010-04:00

There are a lot of sick, kid touching clergy on this planet. So much so that it shocks me when I find a man of the cloth into something other than little boys. Reverend Gary Aldridge, 41, may have tended his flock at the Thorington Road Baptist Church for 15 years, but that doesn't mean he didn't get his sick willy nilly's off now and again. Instead of feasting on the tiny pee-pees of Montgomery Alabama's youth, he had his eyes set on things of a latex nature.

Though his blind followers may not allow themselves to believe that their religious leader loved to swing from straps, while being covered from head to toe in rubber wet suits, with a condom covered dildo in his ass... that is exactly how the cops found him. Well, he gets a little bit of respect for not hurting anyone but himself with this, but come on man! Where the fuck was that dildo that you needed to put a condom on it? Do I want to know? Still, he did something wrong according to his beliefs and paid the ultimate price for it: an embarassing death, complete with anal masturbation. I'm sure his family was super happy with what happened.

Gary Aldridge (1960 - 2007)

Source: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1008072scuba1.html

Snuggles: 1, Patrick Von Allmen: 0

2009-03-24T14:35:00.007-04:00

Welcome to our continuing series on animal related deaths. Today's item concerns one Patrick Von Allmen, from Southern Indiana, 23-years-old, and the late owner of a 14-foot python that I'm going to call "Snuggles".

Snuggles, like most members of the Pythonidae family, had a real fondness for squeezing, or constricting things that it loved so very much, such as rodents, cats, neighborhood dogs, and one Patrick Von Allmen.

Sadly for Von Allmen, Snuggles squeezed a little too hard one fateful day when, according to family members, the young man informed them he was going to the shed to "treat the snake for a medical condition." How anyone can tell a snake is sick, I've no clue.

I'm going to assume the conversation went something like this:

Patrick Von Allmen (imagine Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel from The Simpsons): Hey mom, pa, sis, my darlin' wife (also directed at his sister), I'm goin' to the shed over yonder to fix up Snuggles somethin' good, 'cause he been sick as a dog lately.

Nevertheless, poor Von Allmen was found a few hours later, dead as a doornail, with the most deadly necktie imaginable coiled around his willowy neck. Poor, stupid Patrick Von Allmen. Done in by your own pet.

In the words of Nelson Muntz: Hah-Ha!

Patrick Von Allmen (1983 - 2006)

Source: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14683082/

You're Not The Only Person With A Gun

2009-03-23T16:45:00.006-04:00

Even the dumbest people can come off as innocent victims, but that is an impossibility when you're wearing a mask and holding a gun. Christopher Barreto lead a life a crime, starting his dumb-assery when he was only 14 years old. I don't know what his home environment was, but I'm sure he got hit by chancletas and belts a lot, and may even have been made to kneel in rice. Still that doesn't excuse him for his future life of crime.

One night, Chris decided it would be a good idea to visit the "El Michoacano Supermarket" and hold them up at gun point. I don't know about you, but I'd be afraid to try anything on people who work at a place named "El Michoacano", simply because I'm sure they sell machetes there. Anyhow, I'm not too far off point, because when one of the employees hit a silent alarm, one in the back came around the store with a gun just in time to see Christopher pointing a gun at a woman and child.

Needless to say, it all ended with a BANG. See, if you're going to run around with a mask on, you better be either a superhero or a criminal with a bullet proof vest. Beyond that, do some goddamn research! Case the joint before you try to live up to thieving Hispanic stereotypes. Sure, one stereotype is bad enough, but you made us look stupid too!

Christopher Barreto (1985 - 2008)

Source: http://www.wthr.com/global/story.asp?s=9563031

Last's Last Trip

2009-03-23T06:47:00.009-04:00

It really is sad what some women will do for a man... or money. Take poor ol' Nicola Last, who was somehow convinced by her travel mates (one of whom she may or may not have been romantically involved with) to ingest 34 bags of cocaine while vacationing in Trinidad. The ultimate goal being to smuggle them back into the UK.

Customs officials had been alerted to the fact that something was fishy, but fortunately, or unfortunately for Ms. Last, they failed to find the ingested drug pouches; they were apparently dumbshits who couldn't operate the body scanner and x-ray equipment properly. Way to go guys!

So Ms. Last, who resembled a human piñata at this point, traveled home where some of the packages would later burst. The resulting level of cocaine in her bloodstream, which was "one of the highest levels ever recorded" according to officials, would ultimately kill her.

I'd like to feel sorry for Ms. Last, but when you do something this stupid, you really do get what you deserve.

Nicola Last (1966 - 2006)

Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/south_east/7093294.stm

I'm Sure He SAW It Coming

2009-03-22T17:15:00.001-04:00

There are millions of different ways to commit suicide. There are also a handful of justifiable reasons to do it. If given the choice between being raped by a bunch of silverback apes with razorblades tied to their dicks while I'm face down in 3 feet of shit, or death, I'm sure I'd choose death.

On the other hand, if my landlord sold the house I live in and offered me a different place to stay, I'd be ok with that, or at least ok with it enough to not want to die. David Phyall, 50, did not share a similar view. He was "irrationally opposed to moving" and decided he'd rather devise a way to cut his own head off with a chainsaw than have to pack all that damn silverware and those dusty old books into boxes. I guess I could kind of see his point. I mean, moving is really annoying, but still... it isn't anything to lose your head over.

The one thing I can say in this guy's favor is that he had goals and conviction and stood by his ideals. It didn't really do anything positive for him in the long run, but hey, at least he wasn't a quitter.

David Phyall (1958 - 2008)

Source: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/chainsaw-death-was-carefully-thought-through-suicide-1025503.html

Ring Around The Collar

2009-03-22T09:05:00.010-04:00

Here's an unusual one from the medical files: A 67-year-old man accidentally hanged himself by his sweater. Impossible you say?

According to the autopsy, the man was piss-drunk, happened to pass out, and managed to catch the collar of his sweater on his motorcycle brake handle, strangling himself in the process.

I knew motorcycles were dangerous, but sweaters? I really do hope it was one of those hideous Christmas sweaters, as it would somehow make this story even funnier.

Of all the myriad ways to kick the bucket, this one definitely deserves special mention. I wonder if they have a special award in heaven for "Most Awesomely Mundane Death".

Unknown (1935 - 2002)

Source: http://www.biomedexperts.com/Abstract.bme/12040269/Accidental_hanging_by_a_sweater_an_unusual_case

I Wonder What Would Have Happened If He Farted

2009-03-21T17:25:00.001-04:00

Yeah, fire breathing is supposed to be all death-defying, awe-inducing and rife with holy-shit-wonder, but I always thought it was kind of cheesy. They spit alcohol at a torch. Big flame. Big whoop. But this is definitely one performance that would have filled even the most jaded of circus audience members with some holy-shit-wonder.

Vlad Cazacu, a 43-year-old performer at the Big Top in Bucharest, was in the midst of his fire-eating theatrics during a matinee show when...well, he exploded. According to fellow performer Nicolae Antosu, "We found his head in the popcorn machine."

As if that isn't hilarious enough, made even funnier by the fact that he was surrounded by a crowd of children (yes, I am in need of therapy), it was a burp that did him in. Apparently, Cazacu swallowed some of the flammable liquid he was holding in his mouth, burped the vapors up and turned himself into a human firecracker.

So, aspiring fire-eaters take heed: No Nachos Bell Grande and root beer before a big show.

Vlad Cazacu (1955-1998)

Source: The Parrot via Strange But True...

Hang "10" Dead Dude

2009-03-21T07:00:00.013-04:00

Subway surfing, or "skylarking", as the NYC transit authority calls it -- why are you so weird transit authority? -- involves riding atop a moving subway car.

Sounds safe enough, right? Provided, of course, that you have Spider-man-like reflexes to avoid all of those steel girders coming at you at 50 miles per hour.

Unfortunately, 21-year-old merchant marine Brian Hochstetter seems to have never been bitten by a radioactive spider in his short life, because in 2005, while performing the aforementioned stunt, he was struck by a girder, causing a skull fracture, and his eventual death.

I understand some people are born daredevils who need that extra adrenaline rush every now and then. But, don't do stupid stuff like surfing on a subway car, unless you've got the panache to do it without slamming your head into a steel girder like a moron, moron.

Brian Hochstetter (1984 - 2005)

Source: http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9D07E2DE1338F936A25752C1A9659C8B63

Off The Wagon And On To The Rails

2009-03-20T17:00:00.002-04:00

I hate getting on public transportation. I have to do it every goddamn day, and most people are annoying enough, without being drunk. I also hate going to concerts, only to be surrounded by inebreiated, shirtless morons or women that are trying hard not to throw up. You know what sounds even worse than this? A combo of the two.

Natalie Smead, 18, was on her way to a concert, with a bunch of friends and family, and decided to do some underage drinking for the ride. Why not, right? It's not like its illegal or anything. Now, had I been on this train, surrounded by a bunch of drunk concert goers, I'd probably start pushing people off of it at the next stop. That's just how I roll.

At some point at the station she fell off of the locomotive and into the gap between the train and the platform. Officials told her not to move and instead she found her way on to some tracks and got hit by a different train. Sure sounds like a bad day of drinking to me. It serves as a lesson to rest of us. Don't get drunk in public! Also, for fuck's sake, can we stop it with the teen drinking? Teenagers are dumb enough on their own, the last thing they need is alcohol to help them along towards G. W. Bush levels of stupid. Don't do drugs, stop drinking before your time, and stay in school. You damn kids, with your sex and your Twisted Sister!

Natalie Smead (1988 - 2006)

Source: http://gothamist.com/2006/08/07/fall_off_lirr_p.php