Note: Once upon a time I used to run the blog cranialvomit.com – eventually like all my other blogs it fizzled and died.

Unlike my other blogs though, I managed to keep an archive of old posts. Throughout the next few weeks/months/years, I’ll be reposting some of my old blog entries (occasionally edited) for those of you who haven’t witnessed the wonders that was me, from faaaaaaaaaar in the past. Well, two to three years ago anyway.

The following post is one of my posts who when I stayed a month in Indonesia, popping into Jakarta to see the family and then moving to Bali to drink lots, eat lots, sit in the sun lots and party a little too hard. This specific post was created early in my trip and was written as I had lunch at a KFC somewhere deep in the city.

All these Indonesian posts were authored on a tiny black and white Palm PDA. No keyboard, I had to stab at a tiny electronic keyboard smaller than a stick of gum.

I left the country with 60,000 words of text. Unfortunately only half of that ever made it to the net. A lot of it isn’t any good given they were drunken ramblings of a mad tourist, but they mean something to me :)

—-

Sundays are supposed to be holy days. Days when people would be at church with their families praying for salvation from their sins however I’d usually be in the city performing great biblical style sins onto my credit card… yes, I’d be out clothes shopping… How metrosexual of me… ugh.

Today I was in desperate need for some spiritual guidance. Thankfully Jakarta is indeed a shopping heaven.

Knowing I was bored shitless of the cramped confines of my host’s humble abode, my cousin offered to drive me to the closest shopping mall.

It was huge.

No I mean HUGE.

And I don’t even mean the ‘huge’ your girlfriend will say when she really means ‘barely adequate’. It was really, really… um. Big.

If this was any bigger it would develop a gravitational pull and eventually suck in the rest of the surrounding planet, creating a singularity in deep space, only to be found by an advanced alien civilisation millions of years from now. Those alien scientists will stare at their instruments, sigh, then confirm that yet another dumbass civilisation decided to build a really really big shopping mall.

Several storeys high, jam packed full of outlet stores, a multiplex cinema and a food hall featuring dishes from every corner of the globe, the place was absafuckinglutely packed. There would have been tens of thousands of people there; Christmas eve at the Centro Galleria wouldn’t be remotely as busy as it was here. Although the Galleria would probably have better air-conditioning.

Things weren’t that cheap in comparison to home – unless you went for the higher priced stuff. I spotted Pierre Cardin business shirt and tie I had bought last season at David Jones for $120. They had it for $35. Not bad at all.

About an hour into it, I stumbled into a book store and immediately fell in love. Books lined the shelves at a quarter of the price of home. There was a book I immediately HAD to have – it was an architecture book detailing unique building designs used in Europe in the 80’s. A hardcover monolith, it was as thick as a box of tissues, as wide as the Sydney Morning Herald and weighed a tonne thanks to its ultra glossy fully illustrated pages. I had to concede though. It simply was too big and would severely cause luggage issues. A book like that would easily cost a few hundred bucks at home – assuming a bookstore would even import it. There it was, taunting me with its $50 price tag.

Damn you book tease. Damn you to hell!

As I browsed the English hardcover aisle I bumped into Heather, a tiny 5 foot something brunette law student from Brisbane with piercing blue eyes, a mischievous impish smile and a flawless tanned complexion. She had taken a year off from her studies to travel Asia. We met while both reaching for the same book about the rich history of the American democrats. It felt very Disney-movie-esque. She immediately recognised my Aussie accent when I apologised and we started to chat about our mutual interests of the American political system, their upcoming elections and how corrupted the Indonesian parliament was. The topic then swung to tastes in music, literature and the usual casual fluff. I didn’t care what the subject was – out of the thousands of people in the jam-packed mall that we were in, I had found a friend.

After 20 mins of banter, I invited her for a coffee at the Starbucks round the corner. She momentarily stared off into space as if she was having an internal debate with herself, then she apologetically declined explaining she only popped into the store while her partner Gina was in the shop opposite browsing for wigs.

Hmm, a travelling lesbian law student in Jakarta.

Good for her.

We exchanged email addresses and I bid her farewell with a kiss on the cheek. She grabbed the book we both were looking at and promised I could have it if I ever visited Brisbane. Then she vanished into the crowd akin to that scene in the movie Field of Dreams.

I sighed to myself and wandered off dejected.

I really wanted that book.

Next stop was the comically oversized food hall. It had everything I would have needed. KFC, Wendy’s, Kirispy Kreme, Boost Juice, Taco Bell, White Castle and any other American classics. I love cheap yankie fast foods and aussie food that pretends to be cheap yankie food but pretends it doesn’t.

If you want to impress me, turn up at my front door naked. If you want to make me fall in love with you, turn up naked with a taco bell meal with extra cheese in one hand and a 2 litre bottle of a root beer in the other. If you brought along a Starbucks caramel frappuccino, I’d probably drop to my knees and pleasure you on the spot… Not sure how you could hold the cup though y’know, given you’re using both hands to hold the meal and the root beer….

Anyhoo…

Tonight tho, Japanese seemed the way to go. I ordered as much sushi, sashimi and yakitori as AU$50 could get me. I ended up eating enough raw fish to reconstitute half a whale and got a bad case of heartburn. I didn’t care – the food was fresh and cheap. Plus it was the first real food I had feasted on in what seemed like weeks.

My phone chimed. I had spent 5 hours at the shopping Mecca but it had only felt like an hour. My ride would be waiting for me downstairs. I trundled down the escalators and the crowd parted in front of me. This seemed to be a religious moment for me… I was Moses, wandering into the desert in search for the better life.

But it was all in reverse.

Beyond me was my past life which I had to return to. Behind me, my own personal paradise. I turned to take one last look at the holy pilgrimage I had just took.

My disciples – overtly cheerful shop assistants.

My deity – the giant plastic colonel sanders that stood before the food court.

My utopia – the tubs of fake cream cheese stored under the counter at Taco Bell which beg to be poured over my begging nubile body.

I promised myself that I would someday return, I doubt know when and I don’t know how. But the second coming IS imminent. I swear to god and the root beer floats at A&W the all American family restaurant.

And you know I’m serious when I swear on a fast food menu.

Forever and ever, ramen.

G

Terry Gilliam you magnificent bastard, you are brilliant but I’m sure that not only do you already know that, you also don’t give a toss as to what I say. Terry Gilliam is a name that often pops up in my top 50 movies of all time list, being the director of such films as Twelve Monkeys, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and The Brothers Grimm. He returns to the spotlight not only as Producer but as writer of The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, the highly anticipated final movie featuring the late Heath Ledger.

The tale of The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is a simple one (as long as you take the time to read the press notes before you see the movie). Set in the present day, we meet Dr Parnassus and his travelling sideshow who journey throughout the country to offer the public the chance to experience his “Imaginarium”, a magical portal that allows any passer-through to experience their own imagination as a physical entity. They stumble upon a mysterious stranger (Ledger) with a forgotten past who joins the sideshow to help them win a bet with the devil.

Or something like that.

The screenplay is to blame for the majority of the faults of this film. Monotonous, superfluous and often un-watchable, the movie just feels incomplete and rushed. The story is full of attempted symbolism that is either poorly translated to the viewer or tries way too hard. Many long scenes that served little or no purpose were book-ended by integral scenes that were way too short or underplayed. Many have defended this due to Ledger’s death but analysis of the main and sub plots, would suggest a modest screenplay shuffle could have easily saved the movie.

The only redeeming feature of the film is Lily Cole, who plays Valentina, Daughter to the Doctor. Her on-screen presence was captivating with her doll-like features and old fashioned beauty and leaves me hungry to witness her upcoming performance as Alice in the Marilyn Manson movie ‘Phantasmagoria: The Visions of Lewis Carroll’.

Walking into the cinema, you find yourself wanting to love this film with the names like Giliam and Ledger however this is one movie that should have never been released, at least not in the state that it is. Then again, the movie was slow paced, full of poorly fleshed-out characters and is set in a land just like ours, only slightly disjointed – sounds like any other Gilliam flick yet it falls flat on it’s face.

Utterly abysmal.

No really, I wanted to gouge out my eyes and give them to homeless people to feast upon after seeing this film.

★✩✩✩✩

Have you seen the film? Want to see the film? Hit up the comments below and make it look like I have readers to this blog!

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is currently playing in theatres accross Australia.

Disclaimer, this movie was reviewed using a complimentary ticket.

Over the next few weeks I’ll be putting grum away to figure out what he is and who Chris is. What that means, I really can’t say here but I figure its time for me to reassess this strange thing called my life and see if its what I really wanted.

To some, I may disappear for good. To others, I may slightly fade but will still be around.

I apologise for this riddle, I’m usually quite upfront with my life online but I know I need to step away and figure this all out on my own.

I will be back in some capacity. Hope you’ll be there to see.

- grum

Its no secret that I love digital cameras.

Wait, it IS a secret? Oh, sorry.

Psst, guess what – I love digital cameras. Don’t tell anyone that cos’ apparently its a secret.

No really, if you tell anyone, I may stab you in the ear drum.

Now with that over and done with, I have a story to tell you. Come on children, scoot up closer, Uncle grum has something to show you…

On my recent trip to Bali I brought with me two cameras – my DSLR and my trusty point-n-shoot. I started to realise quickly that they weren’t exactly the best choice for my trip. Although I dearly love my DSLR – a Canon 450D, its limitations started to become apparent. Even for a small SLR, portability was still an issue and I simply couldn’t walk around with the assorted lenses I needed to get ‘the perfect shot’. The point n’ shoot was also an issue – yes, it is quite possibly my most favourite point n’ shoot that I’ve had (out of the 20 or so pocket cameras I’ve owned throughout my life) but its starting to look a worn around the edges and wasn’t taking shots that one would call fantastic (I choose to ignore the fact that I was incredibly drunk when taking those pictures – the camera should fix the photographer’s shortcomings).

So perhaps its time for uncle grum to get a new camera?

That was the thought that was running around my moderately drugged up head this morning while I was going through my RSS feeds. Suddenly I stumbled onto an article about Samsung’s new ST550 cameras – a point n’ shoot with a front-facing screen.

Thats right, a screen on the FRONT. How crazy is that?? Its like having a TV screen gaffer-taped to the back of another TV screen for absolutely no reason at all!!!

These days, photography has become very simplified. We have turned into the Social Networking generation. Photos now are self-riteious, ultra wanky and full of Myspace-poses and Facebook pouts. Just the other week I was wondering if I should glue a mirror to the front of my camera as all my self shots seemed to come out crooked. An example of such shots are below:

The Samsung ST550 features a 12.2 megapixel sensor (do megapixels event mean anything anymore?), a nice n’ wide 27mm Schneider-Kreuznach (bless you) lens – sorry, I mean a Schneider-KREUZNACH (BLESS YOU!) lens (I guess he had a very LOUD surname), an accelerometer (so the camera knows when you’re trying to throttle it to death) and Samsung’s “Smart Face Recognition” technology – some fancy tech that tells the camera to focus on the important people first (like me), ignoring the plebs till the last second (like you).

Evidentially I have been very abusive to my past point n’ shoots. My current Canon has been kicked around the room and ditched high in the air in an attempt at this whole “camera tossing” thing. Fortunately for me, it survived these attempts, unlike my old Ricoch that ended up with a smashed mirror and disloged lens.

Unfortunately for me, Samsung’s new ST550 doesn’t seem to be shockproof, however the screen is a 3.5″ wide-touch-screen doodah with haptic feedback. That means whenever I finger it’s glorious screen, it shivers in response. Just like me after a few shots of bourbon. Finger me and I’ll tremble with delight. This spiffy feature manages to outshine it’s lack of shock-proofnessisity. I sincerely doubt I’ll be rough towards a piece of tech that begs me to finger it as part of it’s standard operating environment.

That goes for you too, ladies. *WINK*

Another feature that other cameras in the past have let me down is low-light sensitivity. In his normal environment, grum is often found in low-light conditions, skulking around in dark bushes or eerie inner-city alley ways that smell like urine and despair. I once had a FujiFilm FinePix that would only operate during the day. As soon as you would go indoors or let the sun set, it would render itself useless taking blurry pictures that looked like I had consumed a glow-stick, thrown it up in a black bucket then had a dump on top of it just for good measure. Naturally, I’d tell people I was going for the ‘artsy’ look.

According to this piece of paper, the ST550 features high sensitivity ISO 3200. In normal non-camera geek speak, it means that the camera can take pictures in near dark environments without looking like yesterday’s breakfast. Plus it has a nice flash doobilicky thing to help you in those really dark situations, like when you’re locked in the boot of your ex’s car and you desperately need some light to help you figure out how to get out before she gets the rusty lawnmower blade out again and you pass out from exhaustion after screaming all night again.

The one thing about digital cameras these days is that they take video. Perfect for the YouTube generation, these point n’ shoots can be pulled out at a moments notice and be used to capture the next viral sensation – “Baby lip-dubs to Celine Dion as a dog defecates on it’s face”. Unfortunately it seems the competition for the greatest YouTube hit is getting harder and harder these days. Video production has been amped up and no longer can a 320×240 grainy 10fps video find its way to the front page of your favourite video sharing site. Those wacky (and possibly stoned) scientists at Samsung have decided to shove in high def video recording into this camera too. All we need now is to strap some kick-ass night vision on this baby and I’ll finally be able to film a Paris-Hiltonesque sex tape, without all the herpes!

The front facing screen isn’t just for self-shots. No, apparently you can have it display pretty animations to direct the attention of children to the lens for that ‘perfect shot’. I assume it may also be used in the same way at forest rave parties to divert the attention of various ravers pinging off their nut to the lens. I wonder if I could get it to play Rick Astley’s “Never gonna give you up” on the screen for a split second. Hah! that meme will NEVER get old.

So after all that it seems that the folks at Samsung have managed to produce a camera specifically tailored for me. A camera that will improve my facebook glamour shots, possibly help me RickRoll my friends and make me look rich with it’s shiny outer shell.

At this stage, this preview is solely based on a bunch of articles that I read from the interwebs and a bunch of propagandaish press releases that I managed to get my grubby little hands on however looking at the test shots and whatnot, it does seem like a contender to be my next point n’ shoot.

Now Samsung, howabout a freebie? I’m not asking too much – just the camera would be nice…

And perhaps a nice pouch to go with it…

and a tripod…

and that cute brunette you have on the promo video…

- grum

Edit: Well it seems that the powers that be have been listening to my thoughts once again. The kind PR folk at Samsung have decided to whip up a social networking comp that will give me (and possibly you) the chance to win one of 100 digital cameras, plus a bunch of other freebies too! All you need to go is get your social networking on and follow them on Facebook and Twitter. All the terms, conditions and pretty animations can be found on their website at http://tapandtake.com/.

Find em’ on Twitter at: http://twitter.com/tapandtake and Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/tapandtake.

* This has been a blog post that was created under the promises of shiny and pretty things from some PR company. Although I am personally excited about this camera, I am likely to turn, have a hissy fit and say bad things about Samsung’s mothers if their PR monkeys don’t send me the delicious treats as they promised.

The crew at letsmakegames.org have their July event tonight at the Velvet lounge.

Going?

I am.

Details lovingly stolen from their blog:

• Title: What’s That in Your Pocket!?!
• Time/Date: 7:30pm-10:30pm, Tuesday July 28, 2009
• Location: The Velvet Lounge, 639 Beaufort Street, Mount Lawley
• Description: A FREE social event. Check out the latest locally developed iPhone games. Bring your DS or PSP for wireless multi-player gaming. Play Dissidia: Final Fantasy in our exclusive pre-release demonstration.
• Links: Facebook event page. (Also feel free to join our Facebook group to be notified of future events).

First one to guess the name of the movie in the comments section below wins 50 points!!

@__duckie guessed correctly with Anchorman!

There are still some movies that are still a mystery!

There are now 100 points up for grabs from this movie:
@malking guessed correctly with A Night at the Roxbury!

And there are now 150 points up for grabs from this movie:
@michaelroper guessed correctly with Rachel Getting Married!

What do these points do? Well, the first person to hit 1000 points will win something super duper awesome!!!*

Oh, for those wondering – a current tally of grumpoints is as follows:
150 points @michaelroper
140 points @malking
100 points @salreagan
55 points @__duckie
50 points @JakeGonzales
50 points @missgiggly
40 points @gemmacharlotte
40 points @erpe
25 points @t3h1y0n
25 points @BlatantSam
20 points @alegrya
20 points @inversation
20 points @BlatantSam
20 points @devar
15 points @emma_G
10 points @injenious
10 points @ragnarok1971
10 points @LadyFrontbum
Quick tip : subscribe to this blog to get in early before I announce the post on Twitter.
* The definition of awesome is to be determined by grum at a later date.

Anyhoo, I fired up the good ol’ youtube and checked out the clip. Its pretty damn cool. Reminds me of half of the time-lapse 5DMKII videos that I’ve been obsessing over the past few months. Plus the song is rather catchy too.

Check it out yourself here:

You can find Luke and his other work on Myspace and LukeJackson.com.

Yes its true, Uncle grum has some more movie ticket giveaways and this time its for G.I Joe.

What? G.I. Joe you ask? Yep, that’s right! One of my childhood favourites is being made into a movie (er, again) and I have a fistful of tickets to give away. Now at first, I was a bit dubious about supporting this franchise. The concept of a G.I Joe movie was a bit weird to me but after watching the movie trailer and reading a couple of early-screening reviews, it seems that G.I Joe might actually be a good action flick. Actually, judging by the Twitter posts from those who just saw the preview screenings, I’d say this could be a blockbuster that could knock that smug Michael Bay bastard off his perch.

The premise is simple. A bunch of elite military special ops dudes exist for some strange reason and the powers that be decides to call them the G.I. Joe. One day, an arms dealer dude gets in the way and decides to take over the world or something and suddenly there is a band of merry evil-dudes in a group called Cobra. No, really – the plot really shouldn’t matter. G.I. Joe promises to be a mindless popcorn action flick full of explosions, boobs and catchy one-liners. I know I’ll be at the cinemas on opening week to get a taste, wanna join me?

Once again this competition is open to anyone in Australia – although every time I give away something on this blog, Perthies seem to win. Perhaps its just proof that us West Aussies are just pure awesome.

The comp will run till July 31 and my decision will be final, so if you have a problem with that – suck it. Also, make sure you are following @grum on Twitter to be eligible for the comp.

So how do we win stuff?

As usual, I’m going to give out entries to the draw in a multitude of ways:

For 1 entry into the draw:

Click this link to post on twitter (make sure you’re logged into twitter.com) or cut and paste the following (without the quotes):

“Did you know @grum is giving away tickets to G.I.JOE? Details here: http://bit.ly/AWvDl”