This past week I’ve been reading The Eric Trap.  A kidmin fable written by a few of my favorite people in Children’s ministry.

The book is fun, easy read that taps into some common pitfalls in kids ministry.  Here are a few quotes I enjoyed..

“We have a tendency to isolate ourselves in our own world and ministry, and we forget our place.  We’re oon a team.  We’re working together.  We are working for our senior pastor.”

“Passion is a powerful force, one that we should ahve.  Without passion, we’re punching clocks until our ttime is up.  Passion will cause excellence, and learning to transfer our passion into volunteers and childdren will cause excellence to multiply… Passion is double sided though.  The same passion that drivves us toward excellence and love, can drive us into overworking and being totally stressed out.”

“As children’s ministers, we must give family members hope.”

The Eric Trap is a good, simple read with some challenging thoughts for those new to the kidmin world.  Here’s where you can get a copy.

Our oldest son is in the 6th grade.  He’s close to exiting his pre-teen season and fully embrace the realm of teen-hood.  (This is a great opportunity for you to pray for me.)

Over the past year he’s grown into a young man that loves his hair, girls and his own opinion.  In fact, he’s grown increasingly bold about sharing his opinion.  A once relatively passive young boy that rolled with the punches, today he’s more apt to let us know when he disagrees and why.  It’s a new world for us.

The most important opinion he will exercise over the next few years is what he believes regarding God, God’s word and God’s plan for Keegan’s life.  You see, what his dad and I believe will increasingly take a backseat to what Keegan believes.  And this is what should happen in order for Keegan to embrace his own faith and not simply assume ours.

But there is a way that we (as parents) can Hinder this work that God is doing in his life…

• We can hinder by telling him what he should think.  He’s got to be able to think for himself.  That means he needs to wrestle through the problem, weigh it against God’s word and wade through his own thoughts regarding it.
• We can hinder by not allowing him to disagree. Though it’s so simple, the wrong move is to NOT allow him to have an opposing opinion.  Forcing an agreement shuts down the conversation and closes the door on the next open conversation.
• We can hinder by not validating his thought process.  Some of the theories our son conjures are comical.  But the danger lies in our response.  The temptation is to laugh, chide or simply ignore.  Fighting to find a way to validate the thought process encourages him to continue to exercise that muscle.  In the end, I want my kids to learn how to think through an argument so they can further validate what they believe.  We call it apologetics.  The ability to defend our faith.  Even if his conclusion is wrong, doesn’t make the effort wrong.
• We can hinder by not listening.  The biggest culprit.  I quickly communicate how much I value (or devalue) my son’s faith by how much I’m willing to shut my mouth and simply listen.

Or there are ways we can help this work that God is doing in his life…

• We can help by creating opportunities for conversation.  Spending time together you create opportunities for open dialog.  Often our busy schedules can smother any chance we have to simply sit and chat.
• We can help by showing them what Scripture says.  Helping our kids navigate the Bible so they can learn what God’s word has to say is one of the best skills you can teach them.  But show them… don’t just preach to them.
• We can help by listening, listening, listening.  My ability to shut my mouth and open my ears will go a long way toward investing in my son’s relationship with Christ.  Whether he is right, wrong or indifferent… I’ve got to simply listen to his opinion, his thoughts and his interpretations.  From that I am better equipped to guide him and pray for him.
• We can help by praying over them and for them.  I take my son to school every Friday morning.  I enjoy that drive.  Typically we listen to music of his choice and we talk.  Often I pray over him as we get closer to the school.  I want Keegan to hear my heart spoken to God about him.  It’s an opportunity to sew words of confidence, encouragement and faith into his heart.  Then when he’s out of the car I take more time to pray for him.  For the challenges he will face throughout the day.  For the decisions he’ll make.  For the influence he will have.
• We can help by not freaking out!   This should probably be in the number 1 slot.  The last thing we should do is freak out.  My son’s buddy at school is Buddhist.  I can’t freak out about that.  He can’t keep him mind off girls.  I can’t freak out about that.  He thinks he’s going to strike it rich one day because of a magnetic, hover craft transportation system he’s conjured in his head will set him for life.  I can’t freak out about that.  At 12 years old, wise decisions are not his forte.  But he’s learning.  And I can’t freak out in the meantime.  It’s critical that I remember Who is in control, Who is ordering Keegan’s steps, and Who cares more about Keegan’s relationship with Christ than I do.

As parents, we have a choice as to whether we will Hinder or Help our kids as they grown in their faith.  We can all agree that deep down, we really just want to help.  What ways have you found hinder or help your kids?

“We’re thinking of leaving the church,” says the mom on the other end of the phone.

“Tell me why?” I reply.

“Because we just haven’t been able to connect.  The church is so big.”

I can’t argue with that point.  Churches can get big.  And I believe there truly are times when someone is called out to serve in a different capacity within the community.  I’m not one to suggest that there is one church that can meet the needs of an entire community.  In fact, I truly believe that it’s The Church (all church organizations working together) that will meet the needs of a community because we are the functioning body of Christ.

However, I believe when people find themselves in search of a new church many times it boils down to their desire to feel needed & known.  I believe it roots back to what Solomon discovered at the end of his life.  In Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, God reveals through Solomon that we are wired for community.  To ‘do life’ with others.  Needed and Known are the two major elements of community.

Think about it.  Although the first time someone enters a church they may be generally hesitant, at some point they want to be known.  It’s why they seek out a Bible Study, sign up for a team sport or participate in other events.  It’s part of our internal wiring.  Being known taps into our need to identify with others.  We are wired to do life together, not alone.  It’s why we surround ourselves with friends.  Even the most extreme introvert has a tight-knit group of friends that knows them like no other.  I don’t know anyone that thrives in isolation.  In fact, isolation can be a tool of the enemy and he loves to get the in the way of life-giving community.

Another element to community is the innate desire to contribute.  We’re wired in such a way that we want to feel needed.  A desire to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.  It’s why we vote, why we recycle, why we participate in charity races… because our small contribution won’t solve the problem. But our small piece contributes to a greater whole that will make a difference and there is an internal sense of satisfaction that comes with that.

As a church, our ability to help people feel needed & known will make or break our ability to pursue the vision God has for us.  We cannot partner with God in His plan to reach our community unless we do it together.  We cannot do it together unless we invite others to join us.  First, we help them feel known by providing an environment that allows them to be who they are, no masks required.  Second, we help them feel needed by providing opportunities for them to use their talents, skills, experiences & gifts to contribute to the whole.

The remaining question is… how do we do this?  How do we create an environment where people feel needed & known?

Great question.  Let’s look at what’s available.  Though there are so many other ways to draw others in toward feeling needed and known (i.e. Women’s/Men’s Ministry events, Celebrate Recovery, Small Groups, Local Missions experiences, etc) the weekend worship services are commonly our starting point.  Even in the largest of churches, weekend worship services are a great opportunity to help people feel needed and known. The 60-second conversation in the lobby can go far toward communicating to someone that you care about who they are and not the image they’re trying to present.  The 30-second invitation that you extend inviting another to join you as you serve. Helping people feel needed and known doesn’t take a lot of time on the weekends, but it does take some intentionality.

Imagine how many people we can engage in community when each of us determines to invest the time on the weekend to help one person feel needed and known.

I could write a book. But I won’t. If you’ve been in kids ministry for any amount of time, you’ve visited this topic. What level of commitment do we ask from a volunteer? How much is too much? Is a weekly commitment too much to ask?

In kids ministry, I’ve swung both ways.

once a month

every other week

whenever you can

The manner in which we attempt to work around everyone’s schedule in order to make sure that their volunteer role is in no way a burden to them is comical. Borders on desperate.

Don’t misunderstand. I have no issue with making sure that a volunteer is placed in the right role. That they have a schedule that works well for them. But is it possible to take this too far? Can we lose the element sacrifice that makes serving so rewarding on the back end?

Let’s consider the 2 key components of kidmin… the kid & the volunteer.

Component #1: What is best for the kids?

If our ministry is designed with the kid in mind, then how do we structure our volunteer team in a way that is best for the kids? Great programming is wonderful. And there are many quality products on the market. But without the relationship, the impact is minimal. It is not the programming the makes a ministry great. It’s the people.

So, if relationships are the vital component then what is the best way to foster relationships?

An ‘every-other-week’ volunteer will spend a total of two hours per month attempting to establish a friendship with the kids in their group.

Can a friendship be established and maintained with that amount of time investment?

How about trust?

What if that child misses a week due to illness, vacation, etc?

These are tough questions. But they lead to one point. Consistency is the best tool to foster relationships among the volunteers and their kids. Consistency is maintained through a weekly commitment.

Shepherding the hearts of our kids is one of those daily behaviors that does more to refine and challenge me than anything else in my life.  In my interactions with my kids, God reveals more to me about my own humanity than I care to know.  Particularly in disciplinary situations.  

I don’t know about you, but that really gets under my skin.  It’s something I have to actively submit to the Father asking Him for guidance and patience.  Recently He brought Ephesians 4:29 back onto my radar.  

“Don’t say anything that would hurt [another person]. Instead, speak only what is good so that you can give help wherever it is needed. That way, what you say will help those who hear you.” (GWT)

It’s a timely reminder for me that my role as mom is to Fight for the Heart of my kids.  To create a culture of unconditional love in my home that fuels their emotional and moral health.  Approaching discipline in a way that is helpful takes practice, planning and patience.

I’ve got to practice they way that I talk to my kids.  That means that through my everyday interactions I need to habitually speak words that are helpful to them.  It’s easier to do this in positive interactions than negative.  However, if I fail to speak helpful words in a positive interaction, it’s guaranteed I won’t speak them in a negative interaction.  

Good discipline is preceded by good planning.  If my child makes the wrong decision, what are the consequences?  Do my kids know those consequences?  There have been times we’ve sent a child to their room letting them know, “We’re going to think about the right consequences for your action.  In a little while we’ll sit down with you and talk through them.”  

Patience is a discipline I continue to wrestle down.  I’m inherently impatient.  Yet patience is critical when Fighting for the Heart of my child.  Why?  Because they are going to make mistakes.  And my ability to be patient with their mistakes communicates an unconditional love to them.  They need a safe place to mess up and know that they are capable of doing better the next time.  

Leaders inspire a shared vision.  …visions seen only by leaders are insufficient to create an organized movement or a significant change in a company.  A person with no constituents is not a leader, and people will not follow until they accept a vision as their own.  Leaders cannot command commitment, only inspire it.  

The Leadership Challenge, Kouzes & Posner

Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint.
Proverbs 29:18 

Read any leadership book today and within the first few pages you’ll hear about the critical function of vision in your organization.  To lead effectively without a shared vision is simply not possible.  But sharing the vision takes skill.  And sewing vision into the hearts of those I lead is a skill I continue to refine.

In the coming weeks the fpKIDS team is working together to craft 5-6 simple, vision-driven phrases.  Why?  Because our greatest opportunity to connect with volunteers and parents is on the weekend… amidst the hustle and bustle of church services.  In that context we don’t always have 10 minutes to unpack the vision behind why we do what we do.

So my goal is to be able to communicate vision in 30 seconds or less.  One simple phrase that I can communicate that sums up the answer to the question, “Why?”.

Why do we ask volunteers to serve so often?

Why not VBS or MDO?

Isn’t it just babysitting?

There is typically more to explain and not enough time to explain it.  Vision phrases serve you well in these moments.   Succinct statements that get right to the point.  If all I have is 30 seconds, then I’ve leveraged that moment to point that volunteer &/or parent in the right direction.  If I get more than 30 seconds… well, that’s just bonus.

Do you use vision phrases to communicate vision in your ministry? 

One of the most significant challenges for me in the past two years has been learning to wait.

Wait for the right timing.
Wait for the right step.
Wait for the right person.

I’m not a patient person. In fact, I’m highly impatient. My high sense of urgency and low sense of caution can prompt me to look before I leap.

For the past two years I’ve been on the hunt for the right team members to add to the fpKIDS staff. I’ve interviewed a ton of great people. But for one reason or another it wouldn’t be the right time, right role, or both. And one things I’ve learned about teams… I’d rather want what I don’t have, than have what I don’t want.  So I’ve learned to wait.

For a while I got sick of saying, “When I have a full team, we will…”. The hindrance of not being able to run at full speed is more than I can bear. You can only take that for so long.

Did that mean we didn’t do ministry? Absolutely not! It just means I needed to manage the margin of my team carefully. There are certain things about ministry that are simply non-negotiable. These are the things you have to invest time in (i.e. great weekend services) while other events are really extraneous (i.e. annual picnic). Managing the amount of time my team invested in these things was a high priority.

So I found myself waiting and managing. Waiting and managing.

Two weeks ago our newest team member joined our staff.  And I couldn’t be more thrilled.

Brian Marshall has several years of Children’s Ministry experience under his belt and he brings a great deal of creativity, enthusiasm and some great GTD skills to the team.  The prospect of ministry at Faith Promise just got a little brighter.

Hiring right may take a long time… but it’s worth the wait.

Last week I was dropping my daughter off for a birthday party.  As I was leaving a man stopped me asking for direction.  He was standing with one of my daughter’s school friends.  Immediately recognizing her I put my hand out and introduced myself explaining that our daughters sit together at lunch often.  His reaction was sarcastic as he gave his daughter a side-ways glance.  I didn’t fully catch what he said but whatever it was it didn’t honor his daughter in any way.  Looking at her I could tell this was not abnormal behavior.

I’ll be honest… I wanted to punch him.

It’s challenging to articulate the influence a father has on a little girl.  How much of his attitude and actions toward her can determine her future relationships.  I remember how much stock I placed in what my dad thought of me.  I remember how much I wanted him to be proud of me.  To affirm me.  To show me my value.

I remember how he would brag about me on the sidelines of the soccer field.

How he would tell me I’m beautiful.

How he would hug me so hard I couldn’t breath.

How often he reminded me as a teenager, “Never date a boy you wouldn’t marry.”
(What a way to narrow the playing field!)

Dad’s, don’t lose sight of the impact you have today on your daughter’s future.  Here are three things I encourage you to focus on:

Affirm Her

She looks to you for affirmation, encouragement, & guidance.  As she grows through puberty (ESPECIALLY, as she grows through puberty), she needs your voice reminding her that she is beautiful, valuable and worthy of love.  If she can learn to believe you, then she’ll believe her future husband when he tells her the same things.

Set the Standard

Be the husband you want her to have one day.  Enough said.  Is it difficult?  Yes.  Does it mean sacrifice?  Yes.  Is it worth it?  Yes.  I watch my husband daily making changes to be a better husband and dad.  He’s amazing.  He demonstrates for our daughter the kind of man he wants her to marry one day.

Talk About the Standard

Talk about the future.  As you “Imagine the End” and think about the man you hope she marries… talk about it!  Let her know what you expect.  Set the bar.  She’ll do everything she can to jump over it.

Let me level with you, dad.  The more you affirm her today, the less she’ll seek affirmation in some teenage boy later.

Headed out to CPC2012 this evening.  I’m looking forward to meeting up with kidmin leaders from all over the nation.  If you’re planning to be there, track me down on Twitter or Facebook.  I’d love to meet you face-to-face.

I’ll only be at CPC for 24 hours before I’m back on a plane headed for home.  As much as I love hanging out with kidmin friends (new and old), I really love hanging out with my husband.  :0)  I’ll blog about my experiences while there.  And once I get back I’m planning to follow some other bloggers and their CPC experiences.  Check out my list…

Jonathan Cliff

Karl Bastian

Ryan Frank

Matt McKee

Justyn Smith

Roger Fields

Jim Wideman

Andy Johnson

James Kennison

Spencer Click

Anne Clay