LiLo gets a free pass because really, she's doing PR here.

1. A fake bag. Period. (Yes, I can ALWAYS tell your bag is fake.)

2. Is it just me or are Uggs meant for cold weather? And if they are, why are you wearing them with jean shorts/a skirt? You look confused and mildy retarded—just choose are you hot or are you cold?

3. I can’t beleive how many versions of wrong there are when skintight pants are involved. Ok, so we covered the fact that tights are NOT pants, but leggings are not really pants either. You can wear then under a LONG top i.e one that covers your whole derriere or a dress but not a T-shirt people! Not cute!

4. Chipped nail polish. I mean really, need I say more?

5. Don’t skip the deodorant. Ever. Please. For the love of god in the name of all things holy!

We heart Obama! And so does this floozy!

Colton, Jeana, Shane, and that idiot Kara.

Mary Kate introduced me to our gay ringleader down in Coto, Ms. Ashley, and we got the following amazing information:

Me: BTW I saw in ur pics that your dad played for the [insert major league baseball team], does he know Jeana’s husband?!

Ashley: Yes (unfortunately), weve lived in 3 houses here and our last house was 2 houses from them and my dad used to give pitching lessons to Shane. Jeana’s husbo is wacko, he rides his bike up and down the streets of Coto all day, been to rehab more than me and Lindsay Lohan combined. People only need rehab when they run out of pills… so I’ve learned to ‘stockpile’ :]

Amazing! Thanks Ashley, you’re a tanned goddess!

Thanks again to my BFF Mary Kate for sending me a link to an amazing Los Angeles Times article! Apparently all you have to do to drop pounds is eat cookies all day! But before you start shoving Chips Ahoy down your pie hole, read the article: “Trade Meals for Cookies and Lose Weight—It’s a Dieter’s Fantasy.”

Exhibit A

Lo Bosworth, of “The Hills,” who yours truly once met at Trader Joes in Santa Barbara where we both lived for some time, has attempted to make a blog—using Mobile Me— and has failed. She claims that the address for the blog is, http://web.me.com/lbosworth29, and I quote: “I’ve tried typing in the ‘www’ before the domain name and it doesn’t work that way so well…” Yeah Lo, it doesn’t work period. Maybe someone let their Mobile Me subscription lapse? Lo, you really should get your priorities straight. It’s a new year after all, let’s make a resolution. No more blowing all your “Hills” money on nose candy to stay thin. But don’t get chunks again either that didn’t look good on camera. OK, how about this? Less coke, more barfing! Happy New Year, Lo!

Photo courtesy of NBC.com.

I wish I could’ve found a picture of Rosario Dawson’s outfit on SNL last night but alas, it was so boring no one even bothered to snap a pic of her monologue. Really, I can’t blame them. But Rosario brings up another important point. Now, I know we only just covered that tights are, indeed, not pants but it seems we already have another fashion confusion issue to address. Hey Rosario, vests are NOT shirts! I mean it was bad enough she wore her hair straight and down which exaggerated the fact that she has a giant, frog-shaped head but a vest as a shirt? It’s not sexy, it’s just awkward. And BTW, Rosario, I didn’t laugh once last night. Yawn.

The new Sprouse-inspired Neverfull MM, $1360.

Yeah, yeah I know, you LOVE Marc Jacobs. Everybody effing loves him, including his bestie, Rachel Zoe. So I try and try to like him and yeah, the Stam bag was cotourgeous and all and I’m absolutely addicted to LV, but just when I’m starting to consider buying a Miss Marc tote he goes and does this shit again. I know it’s wonderful to honor your dead artist homies and all but, dammit Marc, why can’t we just get along?

Djimon Hounsou is the father of Kimora’s newest project. I hope the interview process for the new nannie(s)/assistant(s) who will be charged with caring for the newest bundle of joy (you know, getting their hair blown out, taking them for mani/pedis, and planning their extravagant birthday parties) makes it on air in “Life in the Fab Lane.” And if baby Jesus loves us, Kimora will have just started a new diet when she does those interviews! Kudos to my BFF Mary Kate for finding this clip from “Life in the Fab Lane.”

Photo: Courtesy of NBC, Getty Images, Newscom

Have you ever been on an escalator enjoying your day when you look up only to find the biotch in front of you is trying to wear tights as pants? Disgusting! Hello! Tights by nature are sheer and therefore all of that ass your T-shirt isn’t covering, we can all see. God help everyone seated in front of you when you park all of said ass on a chair. You’re not Britney, no one wants to see your pikachu! For God’s sake even leggings would be a step in the right direction. And Lady Gaga, you are NOT Beyonce!