gemmak

It's official....

2009-12-23T00:10:00.000Z

...that I have failed dismally this Christmas one way and another and as a result I should apologise here and now!

What for?

Well, I haven't so much as purchased a Christmas card, let alone written or posted any, so if you would normally expect to be seeing one from me popping through your letter box, I am sorry but it won't be happening this year. I'll say again, I'm am sorry but pressure of circumstances and all that, I just didn't seem to get to it. In fact Christmas is pretty low key here this year for obvious reasons. None of us can really get into it so my mum and I will head off to Leicestershire tomorrow to stay with my sister for a few days, we will do Christmas for the children but that will be about the extent to which we go, it will just be nice to be together.

So, again, my apologies but not much festive to see here this year.

On pride and falls and getting marooned!

2009-12-22T09:55:00.002Z

Bugger! So last night full of confidence and against my ~~overly~~ worrying mothers advice I went out in the car, I know how to drive in the snow, I have some experience (that's another tale)and thus far in my life I have never got stuck! Thus far!

Off I went and when all around me were abandoning vehicles and causing minor bodywork damage I made it to my destination, albeit only a mile away and albeit having taken me a half hour.

Things were looking good. I parked in a place suitable for making good my escape later in the evening and enjoyed my evening. At 2am I decided it was time to go back home and set off on my one mile trip. All was well....until 500 meters from home where my pride took a considerable jolt.

Suffice to say, much digging of snow from around my wheels, much clutch burning and swearing, an hour later I had moved approximately five foot, just enough not to have to abandon the car right in the middle of the road, I arrived home at three bloody thirty! One mile, one and a half hours! Ooppsss. *Blush*

The remaining short distance home was on foot and this morning I am off with a shovel to try again....failing that I may have to completely swallow my pride and get my brother and his Land Rover over here.

Tomorrow my mother and I are supposed to be travelling to the Midlands to spend what will already be a pretty strange Christmas with my sister and her family....not making it is not an option!

Iced!

2009-12-22T00:03:00.000Z

(Click to enlarge)

Short dog in snow!

2009-12-21T00:02:00.001Z

Remember 'short dog', he who I borrowed from my brother way back in the summer sometime...well he's rather partial to snow too, specifically catching snowballs!

How many cats?

2009-12-20T06:00:00.005Z

This little festive offering amused me...but don't expect me to know the answer to 'how many cats'...each time I count them I come up with a different result!

If you think you have the definitive answer, let me know!

*Update.
As has been pointed out to me in comments it's twelve, as in the twelve days of Christmas! Duh @ me. Hey, I told you my brain is addled recently but I like the picture just the same! :o)

The snowmum!

2009-12-19T09:14:00.007Z

Intrepid as ever, at eighty, in six inches of snow, 7.30 in the morning, minus 5 degrees, slippers on feet and without even a jacket, the snowmum feeding 'her' birds on time!

There is just no telling some people!;o)

(Apologies, poor image but I was so surprised I didn't have time to organise my camera properly!)

Snow....

2009-12-18T07:52:00.008Z

...I have snow! Big snow, beautiful snow, wonderful snow! Unfortunately I also have a failed central heating system...snow pictures once I have sorted the heating issue! Dammit, where's my dad when I need him!

*UPDATE
Have fixed the heating and at last taken some snow pictures. I don't have quite the scenery here close at hand as I did in Scotland or Cambridge but hey ho, it's still snow!

(Click to enlarge...and the rest are HERE.)

About bloody time!

2009-12-17T12:59:00.005Z

So, I was pontificating recently over the multitudes of surgeries and treatments my dad had to undergo and endure in his fight against cancer, he was amazing, he went through some really major stuff including 8 hour surgeries,chemo and many other less than lovely things, and he barely uttered a word of complaint or showed more than the minimum of fear.

It kind of put into perspective my dental phobia, (which is well documented here if are are bored enough to want to read it) ok, so we are different people and we all react differently to fear but nonetheless, to be so terrified of having one tooth extracted, that has caused me pain for almost two years, began to seem a little pathetic.

It was thus that yesterday I took the bull by it's proverbial horns and made an appointment for said procedure to be carried out today....and I did it, the offending item is gone!! Yayyy!!

I will admit to having to have my sister in tow and to visibly shaking but I did it and I did it without my usual dental assistance, Valium!

If my dad can go through what he had too I can damn well have a tooth out, he kept telling me to get it done every time he saw me 'winding' food around my mouth or taking pain meds trying to avoid the pain, so I did it....and about bloody time!

*Oh....and it's snowing!!! Yipee :o)

Saying goodbye

2009-12-16T08:09:00.004Z

So yesterday we said our final goodbye's to my dad and if a funeral can be described as amazing, this one was! It's was absolutely what we had hoped for, it was perfect, it was 'him'!

It was as the saying goes 'a good turn out', people we couldn't imagine showed up, people some of whom we hadn't seen for years, or in the case of colleagues from his days in television, we had never met.

My dad was a staunch atheist, we found an amazing non-denominational celebrant to carry out the service and she was spot on, he would have wholly approve. My fifteen year old niece sang a solo, quite how she managed it I will never know but any of us who had managed to hold it together up to that point lost a grip listening to her angelic voice singing unaccompanied through her own threatening tears. My brother, despite his nerves read the eulogy magnificently, a concoction of amusing tales from each of us, his children, one memory each that a few days ago he gave us two minutes to think of and relay to him.

There were tears, there was laughter, there was love and there was much loud and funky jazz, music my obsessively jazz loving, bohemian dad had chosen himself before he died. A family who in grief came together closer than even usually we are, grown men cried openly and myself, my mum and my siblings gave up any vestige of our stiff upper lips as we listened and remembered a very, very special and individual man who was summed up in this short Indian 'prayer' that was included in the service;

When I am dead
Cry for me a little
Think of me sometimes
But not too much.
Think of me now and again
As I was in life
At some moments it's pleasant to recall
But not for long.
Leave me in peace
And I shall leave you in peace
And while you live
Let your thoughts be with the living.
Yup, if a funeral can be described as amazing, this one certainly was..... and I'll bet not too many coffins carry a floral tribute including some rather large cacti!

Tomorrow is the day

2009-12-14T18:02:00.007Z

So tomorrow is the day, my fathers funeral, everything that can be organised has been, the hordes are massing, I can hear my niece upstairs practicing her solo ready for her performance and there is a very odd air of anticipation going on here.

Yesterday myself, my mum and my sister visited the chapel of rest to say our private good bye's, it was a very surreal experience. Somehow he just looked so 'normal' I expected him to suddenly say something....and yet at the same time he looked like he just wasn't there anymore, the man that my dad was, had long since gone. I couldn't then, and still don't really know what I felt, a deep sadness that this really was the last time I would see him and yet a happiness and maybe comfort that I was there with him at that moment. I wasn't sure before I went if I should go at all, if as people say, I would regret it, but among all the confused emotions going on inside my head at the moment the only thing I do know is that I am very glad I went to see him that one last time.

Tomorrow, I have no idea, part of me wants to have the opportunity to publicly say good bye and to acknowledge my love for the man who took care of me one way and another all of my life, part of me just wants to try and ''pull down the shutters and get through it as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

In the end I suspect I won't have to make a choice, what will be will be. Hopefully it will all run like oiled silk and before long it will be over and we can move on to whatever the new phase in our lives without him is...and who knows what that will be....

Persistent!

2009-12-12T00:15:00.000Z

Well, this is a problem I never envisaged I would have!! A man who's persistent and unwanted attentions I just don't seem to be able to stop. He is driving me absolutely nuts now and nothing I have tried has put paid to his endeavours!

Really, I have tried everything.....polite, firm, to the point, rude, out and out rude, ignoring, rationalising, unpleasant, bitchy, in your face 'go away' but nothing is getting through and this has been going on intermittently for 10 or so years, though recently since I became single it has got a whole lot worse. He's an ex from my youth, I went out with him a couple of times months ago, it wasn't happening and somehow I can't convince him of that.

It is beyond a joke now, I have been determined not to change my number but I'm beginning to consider it, or worse, the man has the hide of a rhinoceros and nothing gets through. It must be nice to have that level of self confidence I suppose, such a belief that no one could possibly live without him!

Whatever, enough is enough, suggestions on a postcard please....or for ease perhaps in comments!

Why is it the guys I do want don't seem to want me this badly? The law of sod prevails as ever!

Organised!

2009-12-11T12:25:00.005Z

Well finally, after what has been a manic two weeks both emotionally and logistically, I think we have everything arranged. Hurrah!

I really began to think we wouldn't get it all done, despite having such a long wait until the funeral, but unless my usually obsessive organisational skills have failed me badly (and believe me that's distinctly possible at the moment) we are all done and dusted and ready for my fathers funeral next Tuesday.

Really I think we just want it over with now, the wait has been too long and just as we begin to feel a tiny vestige of normality for a few minute, now and then, we will be flung headlong back into the harsh reality of our loss.

It will be very good of course to pay him our respects, to say our final good-bye's, to publicly celebrate his life and the very special man he was and to begin to get some real closure but at the moment I think mostly we are just dreading it.

Hey ho, tis all set now, we just have a few more days wait....

Three wishes for Christmas

2009-12-10T00:03:00.000Z

I thieved this from The Pink Jellybaby....it seems somewhat more cheerful than my recent offerings, a chance to daydream.

I don't think I'll be doing Christmas in any significant way this year, me and mine just can't really get into it this time around, but the thought of having three wishes granted about now is pretty appealing.

Ok, so as ever with these things do I go for the bigger picture or do I go for the selfish 'me' wishes option? I think I fancy the latter if I'm honest on this occasion so here goes, my three wishes for Christmas are:

1. My knight in shining armour to finally appear complete with white horse. Hell, dammit, sod the white horse and the armour, if he loves the real me and I love him the rest is academic!

2. A kitten, any kitten, I'm not fussy. I'll have the runt of the litter, it can have three legs and a bent ear, really I don't care, just a kitten! Perhaps though a home to keep it in first might be a plan.

3. Something nice to happen, one of those things, not necessarily a big thing, just something small that makes me feel deep down happy for a few minutes, I'm fed up now with the sad crap.

If anyone out there feels kind enough to grant one of the above please feel free. :o)

The song in my head....

2009-12-09T10:26:00.002Z

Two and a half weeks.....

2009-12-08T10:59:00.004Z

....is beginning to feel like a hell of a long time to wait for a funeral! Actually it is a hell of a long time to wait for a funeral and it's courtesy of 'technical issues' at the local crematorium.

Wouldn't you know it!

If something can present a difficulty recently it will do it seems and this is just another in what is beginning to feel like a long line!

On the up-side - yes apparently there always is one - it means that we have had plenty of time to get through the seemingly unending list of things there are to organise beforehand. Dying is a complicated issue in these days of red tape and prior to this experience I wouldn't have believed quite how many things there are to attend too.

Both emotionally and practically this is turning into a very steep learning curve, it's all part of life's rich pattern so they tell me (who the hell are 'they'?)but it's a part I think I could have well got through life without experiencing.... and certainly we could have done without quite so much red tape or quite such a long wait!

So the wait continues until next Tuesday when we can at last all say our final goodbye's, remember my dad, celebrate his life and the man he was and try to move on to the next stage, whatever that stage involves.

At the end of the day

2009-12-05T10:32:00.007Z

So, a week has passed now since my dad died and it's all been pretty surreal and traumatic, in fact it's been utter madness in many ways with such a myriad of emotions to balance with the unending number of tasks and appointments that seemingly have to be dealt with in the event of a death.

No-one tells you quite how much red tape there is to be negotiated after the event, or just how many times you are going to have to keep reiterating the details of something that is difficult to tell just once, let alone time and time again and certainly nothing prepares you for the feeling of helplessness there is involved in literally watching someone you love die in front of you.

It's a tough call but one that most of us have, or will have to go through at some stage in our lives and it's a very steep learning curve which somehow leaves little time at this point to really grieve.

I have learned to be strong over the last year, probably more so than I would have liked but still, one of the hardest parts for me is the not having someone, who at the end of the day, when I'm completely frazzled, will just hold onto me and make me believe it will all be ok, someone to curl up in bed with and feel close too and to escape all this emotional madness with for a few minutes.

The single life really doesn't 'do it' for me and never has that been more apparent than now.

Autumn rain

2009-12-04T10:12:00.004Z

(Clickable)

From the bottom of my heart, thankyou!

2009-12-03T08:11:00.007Z

Ok, so right now I'm not too sure exactly where the bottom of my heart actually is, in fact I'm not entirely sure where my heart is at all these days but whatever and wherever it is, I want to say the biggest thankyou from the very bottom of it to all of you who have send messages of support and condolence via here, Facebook, twitter, email and snail mail over the last few very tough days.

Your thoughts and wishes have made an immense difference to me, just knowing so many people care has helped enormously and made this whole nasty time a little easier.
Special thanks must go to Lisa, who despite a very hectic spell in her own life, as always was there for me, Daffy for her stoic ability to listen to me and come up with a positive response, 'JW' and 'JG' for always being there and 'G', who knows why.

Lastly but by absolutely no means least, a very, very big and heartfelt thanks to 'RB' who has been an absolute star, who has provided 24/7 support and help way beyond the call of duty, who has listened to me unendingly, managed to make me laugh however bad it all got and 'been there' in so many ways regardless of any inconvenience to himself.

Thank you all guys, I mean really, really thank you, you don't know quite how much I appreciate you all.

"There it is"

2009-12-02T00:12:00.000Z

The words in the title of this post were those left by a friend on my Facebook page in response to the news that my father had died.

Just three little words but somehow they completely summed up how I felt and still feel about what has happened over the last few months.

"There it is"....simple, there was nothing more anyone could do.

The situation was almost intolerable for all concerned, not least of all for my dad and when it was over, as he died with my mum and I holding his hands and my siblings talking gently to him there was nothing really left to say. The culmination of almost two years of fighting was over. It was done. We had done all we could, he had done all he could, the cancer boffins had scratched their heads and done all they could and as I sat there not quite knowing what to do next, had I had the words I think "There it is" would probably have described best how I felt at that moment.

There was no fear, no desperation, no hysterics, it was peaceful, it was a gentle letting go and there were no words, just a strange sense of acceptance and of numbness, a feeling of "there it is", after all the pain and fear and fighting it was over......

Who says dreams don't come true!

2009-12-01T10:05:00.009Z

On a much happier note, after over a year of the trials and tribulations of a transatlantic love affair and the red tape of U.S. immigration (story here and here) and Lisa and Ian finally got married on Sunday in Nebraska!!!

♥ Congratulations you two ♥

You deserve every moment of the future happiness I know you will have and you give me faith that dreams really can come true.

I only wish I could have been there with them but circumstances were against me.

It's over....

2009-11-29T17:53:00.002Z

....my dad (TP) died peacefully in the early hours of yesterday morning with my mum, my brother, my sister and myself all by his side. He retained his stoicism and sense of humour until the end.

"Wherever you are dad, let the jazz be cool and the red wine be a damn good one."

Right now....

2009-11-26T10:54:00.006Z

....it feels as if life couldn't get much tougher.

Most of my time is spent at the hospice now just watching and waiting for the inevitable to happen.... and with my heart in my mouth every time TP's breathing pattern changes or one of a multitude of other indicators change.

I haven't had time to grieve properly yet for my friend who died on Saturday and I have had some personal issues going on in the background along the way, though thankfully, those at least seem to be resolving.

My head is so full of thoughts and my heart with a feelings but I can't think straight most of the time and just seem to function in a surreal state of auto-pilot fuelled by so much coffee I'm awash with the stuff.

I keep telling myself there is always someone worse off but that seems pretty sad in itself, I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone, let alone something worse!

This is a real tough call.

My apologies for keep posting doom and gloom but being able to post it here is probably, along with the support of my friends, the only thing that's keeping me sane (ish) right now.

F*ck cancer!

2009-11-25T09:09:00.002Z

Whichever little grey haired old lady (ok, I shouldn't stereotype but hey..) sat patiently stitching this, I am amused and so with her!

Bus puss!

2009-11-24T06:00:00.000Z

When your cat goes out, do you know where he/she goes?

Click HERE.

I am....

2009-11-23T06:00:00.002Z

....sick of feeling sad, I am sick of worrying, I am sick of trying to be strong, in fact I am sick of most of this year and I am sure you lot are equally sick of hearing me moan about it!

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your perspective, this little patch of the interweb is my 'therapy', this blog is the one place I feel I can rant and be selfish for a few minutes when the going gets tough...and it has been a bloody tough year, probably my toughest one way and another to date (save for maybe one a long time ago) and it's only going to get tougher in the near future.

I am however still standing, despite sometimes feeling it's all getting too much, and I have every intention of remaining standing.... but please, a better year next year would be good. One with some happy bits.

Anyone know where I can order one?

In the meantime, bear with me please, I can't promise too much in the way of cheery stuff here quite yet.