tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63394339241654569982024-03-12T21:48:43.648-07:00Geared to GameRealistically twisted.Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-76318211822891181872012-07-27T18:00:00.001-07:002012-07-27T23:34:12.071-07:00Uncomfortable Fan Art Friday: Mario Edition<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wg1v5CzGb6U/UBJvPqm0-EI/AAAAAAAAAf8/gtZOy30VH8Y/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wg1v5CzGb6U/UBJvPqm0-EI/AAAAAAAAAf8/gtZOy30VH8Y/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>M</b></span>ario is a staple of gaming. All anyone needs to recognize him is his brightly colored costume and any of the pantheon of zany characters who often accompany him on his fanciful adventures of doing whatever the fuck he's supposed to do. What does he do, anyway? If saving Princess Peach is his only motivation maybe he should pick up a hobby that doesn't involve women—gay sexual intercourse, perhaps?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wAA5ywKqzOs/UBJf2qKMcvI/AAAAAAAAAfg/zQAvRXC_Ndo/s1600/0720-james-holmes-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wAA5ywKqzOs/UBJf2qKMcvI/AAAAAAAAAfg/zQAvRXC_Ndo/s320/0720-james-holmes-3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>One third of my audience just became very excited at the prospect</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
At least ass sex doesn't run the risk of having a giant turtle-dinosaur spit fireballs at you whenever you do anything at all. At most, the only thing gay Mario would have to worry about is poop-dick and the occasional Westboro Baptist Church protester—and hell, if the Westboro Baptist Church<i> isn't</i> mad at you, what have you been doing with your life? Living by the Bible, you say? Well, shit, what are you even doing here then?<br />
<br />
Oh, right: sexual repression. I always forget.<br />
<br />
Anyway, there are certain people out there who think of Mario in a different way than most of us do. These people are (Jesus, I'm getting tired of writing this exposition) yadda yadda yadda, disgusting/perverted.<br />
<br />
Hey, let's just get to all the fucked up fan art, okay? Alright, let's do this shit:<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Peach in a Diaper</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>by butterMYbiscuits12</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XMCplkyU3gI/UBJxlQuRAbI/AAAAAAAAAgE/7j__iHMA2sc/s1600/commission__mysteriousmrx_by_normaldeviant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XMCplkyU3gI/UBJxlQuRAbI/AAAAAAAAAgE/7j__iHMA2sc/s640/commission__mysteriousmrx_by_normaldeviant.jpg" width="404" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There are two kinds of people in this world: people who have
diaper fetishes, and people who have never sexually molested an armadillo. In
this world of bitter hatred and fanatical devotion of the insane, is it too
much to ask that the armadillo-rapers would be so kind as to not draw their
fantasies for the world to collectively mourn? Apparently it is too much to ask;
far too much, actually.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"></span></span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Female Bowser</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>by vaginaw4rrior</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qtOpPF-ELw0/UBJx-au1jOI/AAAAAAAAAgM/ss0Z8gwMKC8/s1600/dana_koopa_by_wolfgangcake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qtOpPF-ELw0/UBJx-au1jOI/AAAAAAAAAgM/ss0Z8gwMKC8/s640/dana_koopa_by_wolfgangcake.jpg" width="462" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">If an iconic turtle-dinosaur is drawn as a sexy reptilian stripper
and no one is around to see it, is it still disturbing? I remember being asked
that very same question in philosophy class. Well, okay, it wasn’t really
philosophy class; it was actually the scary voice in my head who I named “Philosophy
Class”. Still, he may not have been “real” but, hot damn, did he have some really great
ideas. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Pregnant Birdo</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>by Miscarriage Mayhem</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ikxiHKnKbl0/UBJyzuaHi3I/AAAAAAAAAgU/hoTkk0gx71c/s1600/Pregnant_Birdo_by_DragonKick.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ikxiHKnKbl0/UBJyzuaHi3I/AAAAAAAAAgU/hoTkk0gx71c/s640/Pregnant_Birdo_by_DragonKick.jpg" width="418" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is the obligatory horribly-pregnant-fan-art-that-no-one-wants-to-see
entry for this month. Notice the luscious curves of this impregnated Mario
character and try not to think about the fact that Birdo was originally supposed
to be male. Yes, stare at him intently and do your best not to fall to your
knees and weep with the tears of every Native American Chief that ever existed.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Anime Schoolgirl Mario</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>by tampaxDildos997</i></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JXK04jPz6LQ/UBJzethXqAI/AAAAAAAAAgc/nLdB-ToOKuM/s1600/magical_stomper_sweety_mario_redux_by_sukinahito-d4tdu10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JXK04jPz6LQ/UBJzethXqAI/AAAAAAAAAgc/nLdB-ToOKuM/s640/magical_stomper_sweety_mario_redux_by_sukinahito-d4tdu10.jpg" width="410" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s well known that major brain trauma can cause a normal
human mind to get its wires crossed and start acting really, really funky. In <i>tampaxdildos997’s</i> case, he has probably
suffered from more than, I don’t know, let’s just say a dozen strokes; this
would explain the strange mixture of primary sexual characteristics seen in
this image.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s sad really: to him he probably sees this as just an
ordinary depiction of Mario. To us, on the other hand, we see only horror in
the truest sense of the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ha, just kidding! Yeah, as unbelievable as this might be, the
artist who drew this probably doesn’t have any real reason for being as creepy
as he is. He just thinks that this image is sexually appealing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b><i>Join Apollyon every Friday for even more horrible things that people draw. Believe me, there's a lot, lot more of this stuff.</i></b></span></div>
</div>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-60984131390765122922012-07-20T03:20:00.000-07:002012-07-21T03:58:41.575-07:00Uncomfortable Fan Art Friday: Mass Effect Edition<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yTJqQFCQUp8/UAqAtqww5TI/AAAAAAAAAfI/oR_tabvHJd0/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yTJqQFCQUp8/UAqAtqww5TI/AAAAAAAAAfI/oR_tabvHJd0/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" /></a></div>
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">T</span></b>here's a few things that the internet has taught me on my journey through the deepest, darkest, rankest, and most questionable SFW fan art that the internet has to offer: it doesn't matter how old or new, how loved or hated, nor how sensual or disgusting the subject is—there is someone out there who will draw it in the most uncomfortable fashion possible. It's almost a "<a href="http://rule34.paheal.net/">Rule 34</a>" for the sexually repressed, the people who either don't know how to draw a vagina or are unwilling to because their pastor keeps insisting that it's a "bad idea".<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dlGZrQG-dDk/UAqBUpnuQlI/AAAAAAAAAfQ/zbICc6TNXHA/s1600/ted_haggard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dlGZrQG-dDk/UAqBUpnuQlI/AAAAAAAAAfQ/zbICc6TNXHA/s1600/ted_haggard.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Unless he's Ted Haggard, in which case he'd tell you to draw a penis</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Those people, though unquestionably passionate for their, um, "art", always seem to add just enough of the disturbing and perverted to their works that anyone who happens to stumble upon them is forever changed. Of course, when I say "changed" I don't mean it in the same way that the people who buy Dr. Phil books mean it. No, I mean it in the way that a soldier changes when he sees a horde of rapist llamas overpower his squad and do to them what nature probably didn't intend, ever. I'm talking about trauma—honest to goodness trauma, the sort that makes your balls (or ovaries, for the ladies) squeal in the language of the ancients and then implode because evolution never created a survival strategy for "Sexy Lola Bunny".<br />
<br />
To all those who have come to brave the depths of the strange and insidious with me: welcome, you'll find your Occult robe and complimentary KY Jelly in the mail. So without further adieu, (there's been a lot of adieu) we'll get to the delicious, succulent meat of this episode of <i>Uncomfortable Fan Art</i>. This week we will be probing the brains of the people who finished Mass Effect 3 and had other things on their minds besides the ending.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Sexy(?) Ashley Williams</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>by IveNeverSeenaRealW0m4n</i></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8sW78r7k-jk/UAocUssx9UI/AAAAAAAAAec/20eOT1fR7YM/s1600/Ashley_Williams_Fanart_by_ken1171%5B1%5D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8sW78r7k-jk/UAocUssx9UI/AAAAAAAAAec/20eOT1fR7YM/s640/Ashley_Williams_Fanart_by_ken1171%5B1%5D.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<br />
After observing uncomfortable fan art for <i>months and months</i> you inevitably come to the conclusion that you've stopped being a casual observer and have transitioned into a full-blown connoisseur—a professional, of sorts. Never has this destinction bothered me more than when I first saw this image. If it was possible to fuck up human proportions more than what is shown in this image, God himself couldn't do it—and he doesn't even exist.<br />
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If you transcribed <i>IveNeverSeenaRealW0m4n's </i>original idea, as in his actual thought process, behind this piece, you'd find hundreds of recurring examples of the words "elephantitis" and "ass".<i> </i>So what brings someone to create an artistic version of Ashley crossed with Jay Lo and a hippopotamus? As soon as I find out I'll tell you, presuming, of course, that I haven't destroyed my brain in an effort to protect the world from that knowledge.<i></i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Getting Ready for Bed</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>by phallic_meister</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LMHyCnrAPlY/UApLCpLKOkI/AAAAAAAAAeo/3cRBkqoAUxU/s1600/.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LMHyCnrAPlY/UApLCpLKOkI/AAAAAAAAAeo/3cRBkqoAUxU/s640/.jpeg" width="624" /></a></div>
<br />
So yeah. It's two Salarians from Mass Effect. And they're fabulously gay<i>.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
C'mon, what else could I possibly have to say about this? The list of fetishes that this artist would have to have to create this work is so staggeringly long that I don't think <i>phallic_meister</i> is from our time. He obviously time traveled from ancient Rome—probably while engaged in an orgy with a dozen people, a donkey, and Caligula.<br />
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Asari Pin-Up</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>by tot4llyStr4ight</i></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eBqU3XE1tKA/UAp6aXe6wqI/AAAAAAAAAe0/GyMsfyhKpaQ/s1600/.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eBqU3XE1tKA/UAp6aXe6wqI/AAAAAAAAAe0/GyMsfyhKpaQ/s640/.jpg" width="464" /></a></div>
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If Fabio and one of the blue men from <i>The Blue Man Group</i> had a child it would grow up to be this. It would also die at the age of 16 from steroid overdose.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Salarian Female</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>by tittyelves566</i></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vo0yQMPhxbE/UAp8stiTueI/AAAAAAAAAe8/FuzAGG33kzM/s1600/.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vo0yQMPhxbE/UAp8stiTueI/AAAAAAAAAe8/FuzAGG33kzM/s640/.jpg" width="346" /></a></div>
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>"You know what I should do?"</i> murmured the deranged artist as he gleefully stared at his computer, no one else in the room to hear the insane cackle of his voice.<br />
<br />
<i>"I should draw a Salarian-"</i> he paused to consider his own devious plan.<br />
<br />
<i>"Yes, I should draw a Salarian—a Salarian with tits!"</i> The low rumble of his voice echoed through his elaborate torture dungeon. It was quite apparent that he was satisfied with his proposed endeavor, an endeavor that would end with him furiously masturbating himself to death.<br />
<br />
Though perhaps his work would consume him, he had to do it. He had to muster his might to draw a Salarian with tits. Because, after all, if he didn't do it, who would?<br />
<br />
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<i><b>Join Apollyon every Friday for even more horrible things that people draw. Beleive me, there's a lot, lot more of this stuff.</b></i><i> </i>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-92114431100825501182012-07-13T17:52:00.002-07:002012-07-21T03:23:06.151-07:00Uncomfortable Fan Art Friday: Freaky Furday Edition!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-N-5uhdfyEf0/UACwGIVX08I/AAAAAAAAAeE/uOXOfFiRZaQ/s1600/cutmypic.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-N-5uhdfyEf0/UACwGIVX08I/AAAAAAAAAeE/uOXOfFiRZaQ/s1600/cutmypic.png" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: x-large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"> Y</span>ou know what's better than a whenever-I-feel-like-it article about the choicest semi-SFW fan art pictures on the internet? Don't worry, audience, you don't have to guess—this question is rhetorical! The answer is a weekly edition of <i>Uncomfortable Fan Art</i>—also known as the article that you never asked for but are happy enough to masturbate to—that you'll be able to read by your fireplace, with your elegant suede bathrobe fastened around your waist, as your bullmastiff lies by your right leg and your lover is sprawled out, dressed in the finest <i>Fascinations</i> lingerie, clenching your left.<br />
<br />
What I propose to give you may be incredible, shit, it may even be beyond human comprehension: I offer to bring you <i>man</i>; man as he is and not as he is perceived. I offer to give you a vision of humanity that is coherent with what you have seen, not what you have been told. I want you to realize, as you see the dark images of what the human race is responsible, that mankind is but a single note in an orchestra of the disgusting.<br />
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A note that is beyond reckoning, a note that spells the utter disgrace of the forbidden essences of human existence. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you two drawn images of "manimals" fucking your childhood:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Sexy Peg from "The Goofy Movie"</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>by Gerb1lUpMyA$$</i></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G6sSx28OY3E/T__1G4VuRHI/AAAAAAAAAd4/-b5OPkemUrc/s1600/sexy_peggy_by_dino3k.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G6sSx28OY3E/T__1G4VuRHI/AAAAAAAAAd4/-b5OPkemUrc/s640/sexy_peggy_by_dino3k.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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What is there to say about this image that isn't already said with the gagging noises that you're making right now? Who wouldn't, at the end of a hard day, be happy to come home to this image hanging before them, glistening with the eerie blue lights that line the walls of your very own torture dungeon? I would even say that this picture is tattoo-worthy. (Your move, stupid people.)<br />
<br />
I think that this might also make a wonderful ironic t-shirt to wear on special occasions—y'know, job interviews, casual Fridays, weddings, maybe even your nephew's birthday party. (bonus points if you force all the children to watch <i>The Goofy Movie</i>)<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">My First Babs Pic</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>by fuckWagon</i></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-URorgZzcURs/UAC5rm3_bCI/AAAAAAAAAeQ/XSUk42nkUH8/s1600/My_first_Babs_Pic_by_bbmbbf%5B1%5D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-URorgZzcURs/UAC5rm3_bCI/AAAAAAAAAeQ/XSUk42nkUH8/s640/My_first_Babs_Pic_by_bbmbbf%5B1%5D.jpg" width="368" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Okay, my usual modus operandi for these articles is to change the title of the picture from whatever inane stupidity that the "artist" had put down to something a little more intelligible. In this case, I found the original title was so completely fantastic that I just had to use it. The author of this image named the picture "My First Babs Pic". Get it? He is planning to make <i>more</i> of them. That would be like if I accidentally killed someone by pooping in their mouth too much—<i>hey, even the human body has limits, folks</i>—and then I insisted that the judge christen the case "Apollyon's First Poop Murder".<br />
<br />
More unnerving than the name, though, is the path that this image forces your eyes to take. This was intentional. The artist actually wants everyone who views his drawing of the <i>Tiny Toons</i> character, Babs, to first look at her face and then work your way down to the exposed panties that this fuckbag so lovingly detailed for his throng of pederastic champions.<br />
<br />
Let me just say, if <i>fuckWagon</i> ever gets a chance to read this, that I wish him the best in all of his sick-fuckery and will be awaiting his next Babs piece with great eagerness, puke bucket in hand.<br />
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Also, <i>rabbit vagina</i>.<br />
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><b>Join Apollyon every Friday for even more horrible things that people draw. Beleive me, there's a lot, lot more of this stuff.</b></i></div>
<br />Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-52582360861647148872012-07-11T10:42:00.000-07:002012-07-11T11:13:30.299-07:00Emperor Palpatine Narrates "Fifty Shades of Grey"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/fps5gh2WU1E?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
Geared to Game's long-time contributor, Emperor Palpatine, has recently read an excerpt of his new favorite romance novel, <i>Fifty Shades of Grey</i>.<br />
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Unfortunately, many Bothans died to bring us this recording -- and, if I were you, I wouldn't even want to know how we got it.Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-58965319539047173612012-07-09T19:53:00.000-07:002012-07-09T20:03:04.868-07:00What “Steam Greenlight” Means for You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0LcyzRBqRw8/T_uYbwm58cI/AAAAAAAAAds/7Nz5-jAJkdQ/s1600/cutmypic+%25281%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0LcyzRBqRw8/T_uYbwm58cI/AAAAAAAAAds/7Nz5-jAJkdQ/s1600/cutmypic+%25281%2529.png" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: x-large;">V</span>alve, the makers of a whole bunch of games that are totally worth playing, announced today that they will be releasing a new, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crowdsourcing">crowdsourced</a> game selection process for their incredibly popular <em>Steam</em> platform which will be called, predictably, “<em><a href="http://store.steampowered.com/news/8367/">Steam Greenlight</a></em>”. The basic premise for this new model is that the Steam community, and not Valve itself, will now be in complete control over exactly which independent games will be released for download on their service. That means that <em>we</em> will be in charge of which indie games are released to the public on Steam–as in, you and I.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YGdLIQhsVLI/T_uWC4-ktiI/AAAAAAAAAdk/3pI7EzHE2EI/s1600/fat-nerd-fixes-computer%5B2%5D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YGdLIQhsVLI/T_uWC4-ktiI/AAAAAAAAAdk/3pI7EzHE2EI/s320/fat-nerd-fixes-computer%5B2%5D.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em>Finally, Steam is in capable hands.</em></td></tr>
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The same model of crowdsourcing has been used before—most notably in the project starting website, <em><a href="http://www.kickstarter.com/">Kickstarter</a></em>—which has, for the most part, worked well enough for the particular community that it services. To break it down even further, <em>Greenlight</em> promises us: “See an indie project that you’re excited for? Go ahead and support it. If you support it, so will we.”<br />
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The potential of this new model is obvious: the great indie games will be noticed, selected, and hopefully released to the pomp and circumstance that they deserve. On the other hand, the lame, too-artsy-to-work, and just plain shitty indie games that are released every minute of every day will be swept under the rug faster than the Bible at a science convention. Well, that’s the promise, at least. The actual application of crowdsourced indie game selection will mean that the hardcore, since they are the most typical of crowdsourcing communities, will probably be doing all of the selecting while the more casual gamers will likely be unrepresented.<br />
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Boring people who only play games like <em>Peggle</em> and <em>Bejeweled 7: Kick to the Bejewels</em> will have to stick to the vendors that are already established on Steam—folks like Popcap, for instance. For the rest of us, Greenlight promises to be a great tool for getting indie developers out in the open.<br />
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Crowdsourcing is the most logical step for Valve to take at this juncture; one of their most successful games was <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narbacular_Drop">born from independent development</a> and you can tell that it played a definitive part in Valve’s decision to turn more attention to all the undiscovered talent that is floating around the internet.<br />
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What does Steam Greenlight mean for you? If you’re a developer who’s just starting out with little marketing resources and connections, it very well could give you the opportunity that you need. More importantly, If you’re a normal, run of the mill gamer who just wants to see better things in the industry, then Steam Greenlight will let you find all of the hidden gems that are just waiting to be discovered. <em>Hopefully.</em><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8JsLIDDHM0s/T_uUkxc_J9I/AAAAAAAAAdc/Il6iS7dnTrQ/s1600/BombermanActZero_USBOX_Mrated%5B1%5D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8JsLIDDHM0s/T_uUkxc_J9I/AAAAAAAAAdc/Il6iS7dnTrQ/s320/BombermanActZero_USBOX_Mrated%5B1%5D.jpg" width="226" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em>If the Xbox was crowdsourced, this game wouldn't exist.</em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-74202828713519457942012-07-08T16:29:00.001-07:002012-07-08T17:02:25.752-07:00Presenting: Geared to Game Music<span style="font-size: small;">I</span>'m very proud to announce that the illustrious <i>DJ CaukenBal </i>(he's extremely well known in some parts of Somalia) has joined the G2G squad and lent his particular talents to our empire. Below is his first creation for Geared to Game, a song entitled <i>Solar Wind</i>.<br />
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</div>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-58949120201505531032012-07-04T00:11:00.001-07:002012-07-04T00:11:15.209-07:00Happy Independence Day!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> I</span></b></span>ndependence day: an American celebration of when America stopped being a Namby Pamby British-controlled colony and started its life as the self-righteous and overconfident bureaucratic clusterfuck that we've all grown to know and love. That last sentence sounds negative, doesn't it? Well, friend, you're very wrong if you think that I'm anti-'merica just because I wrote some words that appear to be anti-American. It takes a real American to realize that. Hell, I'd even say that I'm about as radically American as any mammalian vertebrate could ever claim to be.<br />
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Let me explain:<br />
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I'll never forget the moment that I chose to be an American. I can still remember, even after all these years, that white room where I stood, an ethereal avatar that was quite ghost-like in appearance, filled to the very brim with wonder and anticipation over which country I, in the form of a sperm, would choose to be dispatched to. After much deliberation and argument amongst my fellow sperm brothers, I finally made my decision. Though it was controversial and even though I had the choice to inhabit any of the countries on planet earth—and, not to mention, a few other planets as well—I made my choice to be an American sperm and to impregnate an American egg.<br />
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Sure, I could have followed the lead of the millions of Chinese sperm who chose, against the will of goodness and God himself, to propagate that disgusting commie land, China. Or I could have chosen to be amongst the legions of the third world, with their outdated technology that is only matched with their outdated beliefs. But you know what? No matter how much I would have wanted to go with the flow and choose the easy path, I didn't. I couldn't. One thing always stood in my way: good old fashioned patriotism.<br />
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I had to be an American, no matter the cost.<br />
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No matter how many conveniences would be forced upon me, nor how much food would be shoved down my gullet, I had to become an American. As I demanded to be sent to the USA, I was completely inundated with warnings about my chosen country, "No!" they exclaimed, "You can't be an American. Don't you understand that the rest of the world embodies peaceful coexistence with nature? Y'know, with the spirits of the Earth and all that. I mean, shit, have you even seen <i>Pocahontas</i>, <i>Avatar,</i> or <i>Dances With Wolves</i>?" My fellow sperm just couldn't understand why I would have chose something so difficult. To them, being an American would divorce me from the humble, easy lifestyle of the world's native populations. They were right. Being an American might be tough, it might even be impossible, but to us,<i> to the Americans</i>, we have to do it. It's in our blood.<br />
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So think about that this fourth of July, as you sit under the fireworks. Contemplate why you chose to be an American in the first place. Remember, life isn't just some random slot machine lever that gets pulled whenever two people on this planet have sex somewhere. We all chose to be where we are. I mean, c'mon, if we didn't pick exactly where we were going to be born, patriotism just wouldn't mean much, would it? Thankfully, we don't live in a world like that. Everyone gets to pick exactly where and who they'll be born to, and that's what makes the victory of being an American so, so sweet. <br />
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<i>Right?</i>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-31852702390369315732012-05-15T18:09:00.000-07:002012-05-15T18:09:12.738-07:00How Mortal Kombat for the PS Vita Got it Right<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vmPvFfK5db0/T7L5ILGFAuI/AAAAAAAAAWo/20OMikXvtWo/s1600/cutmypic%282%29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vmPvFfK5db0/T7L5ILGFAuI/AAAAAAAAAWo/20OMikXvtWo/s400/cutmypic%282%29.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b> I</b></span>'m just going to come out and say it: I'm in love with <i>Mortal Kombat</i> for the PS Vita. I know that it might seem a little surprising that one of my favorite games of 2012 so far is a handheld port of the already excellent <i>Mortal Kombat</i> that we saw last year, but this game does what other portable games have been attempting to do since the Gameboy was released in 1989. At last portable technology has finally caught up with the home consoles and we are finally beginning to see ported games that aren't just cast shadows of what appeared on the original systems. This game feels like it was made for the portable device—and I'm not just saying that in the generic way that you'll hear countless other reviewers say it, as if they're speaking of how convenient it is to play <i>Angry Birds</i> on the way to work. No, this game is an <i>actual</i> video game, and one that is worth playing for far more than two minutes at a time.<br />
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I feel like <i>Mortal Kombat</i> for the Vita is exactly what I've been waiting for: a console port that retains all of the incentives that make us want to play video games in the first place. From the very moment that I started MK up for the first time, I noticed that this game takes itself seriously. Most portable games that I've come across in the past tend to have this annoying habit of dumbing themselves down to appeal to the people presumed to be "always on the move", a demographic that, if it ever even existed in the way it was marketed, is now irrelevant due to the rise of Smartphones. Because of the unforeseen consequences of everyone carrying around a portable computer that doubles in speed almost every year, to survive and flourish in the new portable market you need to do more than just innovate; you absolutely have to differentiate yourself from the competition. Nintendo is beginning to slowly realize this with it's monumental mistake of keeping its touchscreen-centric device pretty much the same.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-b2IGxvj06UI/T7L50aoYbiI/AAAAAAAAAWw/Ptk3Hc-o0uU/s1600/IMG_0579_440x330.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-b2IGxvj06UI/T7L50aoYbiI/AAAAAAAAAWw/Ptk3Hc-o0uU/s320/IMG_0579_440x330.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Ok, ok, exactly the same.</i></td></tr>
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These days, all the portable devices have touchscreens, cameras, microphones, and accelerometers already built in. To even exist in the handheld gaming market today you have to give people a reason to choose you even though they already have a device that does most of what yours can do and, what's more, they already have it in their pocket at all times. That's where <i>Mortal Kombat</i> and the PS Vita come in. Of all of the things that Smartphones can do, there's one thing that they really can't and it's called "actual physical controls". A D-Pad and buttons just don't work very well when they're superimposed on a touchscreen and, fortunately for the <a href="http://www.engadget.com/2012/03/12/Nintendo-Sony-Microsoft-talk-portable-gaming-at-GDC-2012/">Big Three</a>, they tend to be very necessary for games that involve more than moving blocks and sling-shotting birds.<br />
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So how does <i>Mortal Kombat</i> fare on Sony's handheld? Fantastically well. The game handles magnificently on the device, in fact. It's well known that the Vita is a powerful machine, but when you actually get a chance to play <i>Mortal Kombat</i> or <i>Uncharted</i>, you really can see the system for what it really is: a truly portable console that keeps up with its bigger brothers on almost all fronts. For example, MK translates almost all of the great stuff from the console release with only a minimal visual downgrade. The game even manages to keep its extremely-important-for-fighting-games 60fps. To put it mildly, this game is a glimpse at what we can expect from the Vita in the future. If you are looking for a full-fledged console in your pocket and you also enjoy playing real, fleshed-out games on it, then the forecast for the PS Vita is looking really solid.<br />
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And who knows? Maybe gamers will finally have more options than <i>Tetris</i> or <i>Angry Birds</i>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9rZgKCuMsB8/T7L8MqGhH_I/AAAAAAAAAW4/7NtFjZtBY1U/s1600/angry-birds-game-logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9rZgKCuMsB8/T7L8MqGhH_I/AAAAAAAAAW4/7NtFjZtBY1U/s400/angry-birds-game-logo.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>I absolutely fucking detest this game</i></td></tr>
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<br />Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-32780399952286650302012-04-11T16:25:00.001-07:002012-04-14T22:47:41.910-07:006 More Best of The Worst Uncomfortable Fan Art [That are SFW, Sort of]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-L1CyM988yaw/T4ONB3zS_cI/AAAAAAAAARw/yPgjrG6wKcI/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-L1CyM988yaw/T4ONB3zS_cI/AAAAAAAAARw/yPgjrG6wKcI/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-size: small;"> </span>T</b></span>here are only two certainties in 21st century life: death and space-taxes. Ha ha, just kidding—there's really only one certainty: horribly disturbing fan art that only Russian men can get off to. Keeping in the mindset of the great, dark labyrinth known only as the internet, and since I really love traumatizing people more than Christian Bale loves snorting blow and beating women to death<i> </i>with his barbed ape-penis<i>(allegedly)</i>, I have created a sequel to the horrendously-popular <a href="http://gearedtogame.blogspot.com/2012/01/top-6-best-of-worst-uncomfortable-fan.html"><i>"Top 6 Best of The Worst Fan Art [That is still SFW, somehow]"</i></a>, where I, if you can remember, showcased some of the most shining examples of what a human mind can produce if you only introduce a little alcohol and a whole lot of repressed-sexuality.<br />
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If you have prostate issues, an enlarged pancreas, inflamed bowels, or any other disease that sounds rather icky, I'd really like it if you didn't continue reading, y'know, in case you leak green goop, or whatever, all over your chair; I would really prefer not to think about that, and just knowing that it won't happen while you read my article is comforting to me.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dyOjAAF8m7o/T4OGnXPc2AI/AAAAAAAAARo/AgAETqNiu50/s1600/Slimer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="270" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dyOjAAF8m7o/T4OGnXPc2AI/AAAAAAAAARo/AgAETqNiu50/s400/Slimer.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>This is what my demographic probably looks like</i></td></tr>
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If you are the sort of person that likes to live in a waking nightmare that not even Satan's non-existent ass could pull you out of, then, by all means, keep reading—no really, I'm sure it will be fun for both of us.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#6. Sexy Ivysaur</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b><i><span style="font-size: small;">by Pok3Rap3*</span></i></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O7HHrXOVlpg/T4OP_tl4GgI/AAAAAAAAAR4/A1QI3jowG1I/s1600/Pokemon+Sexy+Ivysaur.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O7HHrXOVlpg/T4OP_tl4GgI/AAAAAAAAAR4/A1QI3jowG1I/s400/Pokemon+Sexy+Ivysaur.jpg" width="393" /></a></div>
And right out the gate we have something that has all the destructive potential of a serial child rapist with even less conscience. The person who drew <i>"Sexy Ivysaur"</i> no doubt took a few breaks in between drawing this fictitious children show character's ridiculous anthropomorphized breasts to ponder exactly how much duct tape and Vaseline he should put down on next week's grocery list. This is why when Adam asked for a "companion", God didn't make a sexy video game character out of his rib.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#5. Rabid Sonic</b></span><i> </i></div>
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<i>by aDOGbitmeonce</i></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d3ww-Yiw0Wk/T4Ond617vBI/AAAAAAAAASA/fXQU82j--3s/s1600/Sonic_the_Hedgehog_by_GermanDark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d3ww-Yiw0Wk/T4Ond617vBI/AAAAAAAAASA/fXQU82j--3s/s400/Sonic_the_Hedgehog_by_GermanDark.jpg" width="388" /></a></div>
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My adventures in the worst parts of the internet have taught me two things: future children are going to be as likely to watch an episode of the <i>Teletubbies</i> as they will be to commit horrible acts of genocide and that Sonic the Hedgehog is to creepy motherfuckers as Whitney Houston is to <i>all of the drugs, ever</i>. If you are a parent who has a child over the age of 10 and they own anything with a Sonic logo on it—well, I don't really know how to put this so I guess I'll just come out and say it—<i>you have a rabbit fucker on your hands.</i><br />
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Liking Sonic in the 21st century is the same thing as wanting to bone a furry rodent—that's just the way it is now.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#4. "Graceful" Birdo</b></span> </div>
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<i>by SeeingMommyintheShower2012</i><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hE3DcQUkdMQ/T4O4HxYAaPI/AAAAAAAAASI/GLpZlvCuzro/s1600/graceful_birdo_by_bowser2queen-d4e6i4k.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="370" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hE3DcQUkdMQ/T4O4HxYAaPI/AAAAAAAAASI/GLpZlvCuzro/s400/graceful_birdo_by_bowser2queen-d4e6i4k.png" width="400" /> </a></div>
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When you've spent as much time as I have analyzing the worst of what the internet has to offer, you tend to not be easily surprised when you see a picture of Birdo showing off some side-boob—but this picture is different, somehow. The artist was proud of this creation, as if to say that he wanted his community to know just how good he is at creating a sexually-charged image of a bird/dinosaur from Mario. If I was a Criminal Profiler working for the FBI, and not just a vigilante Criminal Profiler like I really am, I would definitely put this artist on the top of my agency's watch-list.</div>
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Everything about this image screams that, not only is he profoundly satisfied with this creation, but that he wholeheartedly wants to strike again, maybe with something even more egregious and perverse. Notice how he signed and dated the bottom of this piece; in my business we call that a "calling card". He is absolutely planning to commit another atrocious act of terrible fan art and, when he does, I can guarantee that I'll be there, ready to show it off to you.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#3. Crazy Red, Tom Nook, Creeper, & Enderman</b></span></div>
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<i>by howdoIshotRAPE</i></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AeS6_pPvmq4/T4Tmtor0SWI/AAAAAAAAASc/7uL7VHNUJOU/s1600/Crazy+Redd,+Tom+Nook,+Creeper,+and+Enderman.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AeS6_pPvmq4/T4Tmtor0SWI/AAAAAAAAASc/7uL7VHNUJOU/s640/Crazy+Redd,+Tom+Nook,+Creeper,+and+Enderman.jpg" width="355" /></a></div>
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This artist is truly exceptional at the art of the uncomfortable. Somehow he not only found a way to make <i>Animal Crossing</i> characters—notable only for their severe lack of sexuality—impossible to look at again without tearing-up, but also <i>Minecraft</i> characters.<i> Minecraft</i>! Y'know, the game where everyone and everything is made out of blocks? Yeah, that game. This person actually found a way to imagine geometrical objects in a sexual way. Once again, internet, you have bested me. I now completely understand that you are capable of raping <i>anything</i>.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#2. Pregnant Invader Zim</b></span></div>
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<i>by Penishands 2011</i></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ysK3P9fukxA/T4Teu3livsI/AAAAAAAAASU/uHz4LcPMoHc/s1600/Invader+Zim+Pregnant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ysK3P9fukxA/T4Teu3livsI/AAAAAAAAASU/uHz4LcPMoHc/s400/Invader+Zim+Pregnant.jpg" width="345" /></a></div>
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The reason why serial-fan-art-creators decide to draw their victims pregnant has always eluded me. Do they do it for the thrill? Or maybe they just want to imagine themselves actively impregnating their favorite fantasy characters. What ever the case may be, one thing is absolutely for sure: <i>Penishands 2011</i> is a sick, sick bastard that deserves to be fed to a Sarlacc pit made completely out of erect penises.</div>
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Actually, no—he'd probably enjoy it too much.</div>
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<i>...A Sarlacc pit made out of vaginas.</i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#1. My Pregnant Little Pony</b></span></div>
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<i>by starin@ur_children </i></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jstFtwzeQlI/T4YK9A9ocHI/AAAAAAAAASk/hYwmEeiuB8w/s1600/my_pregnant_little_pony_collection_by_xniclord789x-d4l19bv.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jstFtwzeQlI/T4YK9A9ocHI/AAAAAAAAASk/hYwmEeiuB8w/s400/my_pregnant_little_pony_collection_by_xniclord789x-d4l19bv.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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Okay, okay, I'll admit that now I'm cheating a little bit.<i> </i>The very second that someone decided to create a new children's show with little girls drawn as anthropomorphic ponies, the internet trembled, quaked and released all of it's darkest intentions in a flurry of pedophilia-based bile; on that terrible day, <i>the internet grew even stronger</i>.<i> </i>Because of this new, demonic presence on the web, a simple Google image search is now riddled with horrific images of fan/pedophile-drawn ponies that just ten years ago would have destroyed the reputation of any normal person on this planet. But these days, the game has changed. Now anyone who has the primal urge to jack it to some ponies can have his disgusting hunger sated.</div>
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But to those who are fearful of what this means for humanity, do not worry, my Brony horde; <i>it's just for fun.</i></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>*The names have been changed to protect the individual artists from social ostracism and/or probable execution by firing squad.</i></span></b></div>
</div>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-63210485503372021252012-03-13T18:37:00.001-07:002012-03-13T18:37:29.972-07:00WhyAmIPlayingThis.com: Review of the PlayStation Vita<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_qRRcaHSHpQ/T1_1ltICZFI/AAAAAAAAANc/fpFsd74Dq5A/s1600/600px-PlayStation_Vita_illustration.svg_-37588_580x271.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="185" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_qRRcaHSHpQ/T1_1ltICZFI/AAAAAAAAANc/fpFsd74Dq5A/s400/600px-PlayStation_Vita_illustration.svg_-37588_580x271.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://whyamiplayingthis.com/review-of-the-playstation-vita-really-really-black-edition/">Check out my rant on the PS Vita and the future of portable media devices here.</a></div>
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<i>A special thanks to Mikeumus for publishing my "insights" on his site.</i></div>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-23706776897868911392012-03-02T16:02:00.001-07:002012-03-02T16:04:38.035-07:00Mass Effect 3: A Guide to Playing it The Right Way<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QUauD_qBLyg/T1Ba6iOQBCI/AAAAAAAAALA/AIhnwS4dDtw/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QUauD_qBLyg/T1Ba6iOQBCI/AAAAAAAAALA/AIhnwS4dDtw/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" /></a></div>
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Holy shit, has it really been five goddamn years since Mass Effect was released? After all this time it looks like we'll finally get a chance to finish the game's fucking story; and not a minute too soon, I might add. I was starting to think about moving on to another ambitious science fiction universe -- <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Science_fiction_video_games">God knows there isn't that many of them.</a> Well, as far as Mass Effect 3 goes, you can definitively count me in. After all, I absolutely love it when a game drags out its relatively simple story so that the studio will have an excuse to make more sequels.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZMnGJ3cjP3s/T0gseE6OkUI/AAAAAAAAAKI/Y1zuUxNp9Zc/s1600/halo3_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZMnGJ3cjP3s/T0gseE6OkUI/AAAAAAAAAKI/Y1zuUxNp9Zc/s320/halo3_01.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>"Sir, finishing this financial opportunity."</i></span></div>
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Alas, the fight will be finished this March- or something. Wait, did Mass Effect ever have a ridiculous one-liner? I'm pretty sure that <a href="http://www.joystiq.com/2010/03/09/bioware-speaks-up-about-mass-effect-2-localization/">with 450,000 words</a>, the game was a little too, um, wordy for that bullshit. In any case, Mass Effect 3 is here and its, probably, a little queer(so you should get used to it). Queer how, you ask? That question isn't that easily answered; I guess it has something to do with the series' continual attempts at emulating Gears of War's combat mechanics. If I <i>had</i> to illustrate how this trend progressed with a poorly made graph, it would probably look something like this:<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1I8M9P2pVYg/T02U8-AZi9I/AAAAAAAAAKQ/ywkW7Ait9j0/s1600/Graph.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1I8M9P2pVYg/T02U8-AZi9I/AAAAAAAAAKQ/ywkW7Ait9j0/s400/Graph.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Besides all the plagiarism and out of the kindness of my goddamn heart, I really want to help you play this new game in a way that will have it live up to its full potential. To help you get the most out of your experience with the game, I have made you a little guide that will assist you in your final adventure with Commander Shepard. Remember, you do not have to use any of this advice if you choose not to -- it just makes the game totally fucking sweet. If you're an old lady or decrepit old person of any sort, a Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, Muslim, designated driver, or any other kind of lame person who hasn't played a game that didn't involve jewels or falling blocks, you really shouldn't read this guide.<br />
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If you are interested in making ME3 absolutely pants-shitting-ly rad, then strap on your crash helmet and dick-protecting iron boxers: this is going to make your fucking ass explode.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#1. Redesign Your Shepard</b></span></div>
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This first step is absolutely vital. If you've played Mass Effect 2 then you realize that Shepard fucking died in the beginning. Even though you'd think that this would make him look seriously screwed up, Bioware decided that the only real hint to the Commander's recent demise would be a slight limp and some sweet glowing red neon on his face -- if your play style falls under the category of "<i>Complete Fucking Dick-Wipe</i>", that is. Even when you were as much of an asshole as the game allowed you to be, you just never could really make Shepard have that realistic "been dead for a few years" look.</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-l-2CDMB1kBU/T06_Ui9WnXI/AAAAAAAAAKY/NhWtaH6I7Kk/s1600/nail-scarred-hands.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-l-2CDMB1kBU/T06_Ui9WnXI/AAAAAAAAAKY/NhWtaH6I7Kk/s320/nail-scarred-hands.jpg" width="224" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Even Jesus looked more convincing and he was only a little bit evil</i></span></div>
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So when it comes to creating a realistic Shepard, the full weight of that creative process has to fall squarely on the players themselves. I completely recommend redesigning your character to resemble the sort of trauma that any man would take on under the circumstances that have befallen Shepard. Not only will a nice redesign to your character create a deeper sense of immersion, it will also serve as a reminder for all of the crazy shit that Shepard has went through in the previous two games.<br />
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What kind of changes do I recommend making? Well, allow me to introduce you to my new Shepard:<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-guc3gi6Nc8M/T07U5bymWlI/AAAAAAAAAKg/_jlTHAMJx00/s1600/IMAG0059.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-guc3gi6Nc8M/T07U5bymWlI/AAAAAAAAAKg/_jlTHAMJx00/s320/IMAG0059.jpg" width="191" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>"Only the dead have seen the end of war"</i></span></div>
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This is undoubtedly a man who has seen not only his own death but the death of both his sanity and his complexion. His eyes just seem to scream "<i>I should not be alive</i>". Even his hair screams, with the unbearable strength of a million rape whistles, that his soul is slowly rending itself apart under the pain of all of his previous actions. Yes, though to a layman he may appear to be some sort of red-headed pedophile Hitler from the very deepest circle of hell, in truth, he is nothing more than a allegory for what any person would become had they seen even the smallest bit of his experiences transpire in front of them.</div>
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This, my friends, is how you do it fucking right.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#2. Use the Kinect Support Correctly</b></span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v4zHGcs2Yy8/T1FMCOQ6QOI/AAAAAAAAALI/Dgv4PAsXPgI/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v4zHGcs2Yy8/T1FMCOQ6QOI/AAAAAAAAALI/Dgv4PAsXPgI/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" /></a></div>
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Say what you want about Xbox Kinect, whether it's a gimmick machine or not, ME3 is actually <i>better </i>with it. You read that right, the Kinect hasn't just been tossed in as an afterthought this time; Bioware actually put some time and thought into it for this game. What all this translates to is that the Kinect is a real convenience while playing Mass Effect. Instead of having to pull up, say, a clunky wheel interface to control your teammates, you can just tell them what to do while you're playing. If you haven't got a chance to try it out by now, then believe me when I say that it does work.</div>
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However, this isn't a guide to getting things to fucking work, this is a guide for making things as rad as balls as humanly possible. So how does one make the Kinect feature better? I'll tell you how: you have to use Harry Potter spells.</div>
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That's right, Harry Potter spells. When playing ME3, and you've just commanded one of your crew to use "Concussive Shot" or "Singularity", scream out to the other teammate to use "Expelliarmus" or, if you're an evil character, "Avada Kedavra". Now, while this technique will technically do absolutely nothing, it does make you feel pretty damned awesome.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EYK9_cnDlEc/T1AhewA72yI/AAAAAAAAAKo/BNvX1lCXPoI/s1600/Kinect-gameplay1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EYK9_cnDlEc/T1AhewA72yI/AAAAAAAAAKo/BNvX1lCXPoI/s320/Kinect-gameplay1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i> And it'll only make you look 22.5% stupider than this androgynous human being</i></span></div>
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This technique is so much fun that I sort of wish it would have been incorporated into the full game as an actual feature. In the end, is "Element Zero" that much different than magic?</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#3. Role-Play as Commander Shepard</b></span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XuRAWVmY3q8/T1FQ6jGOsII/AAAAAAAAALY/1dkD5B0KTBw/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XuRAWVmY3q8/T1FQ6jGOsII/AAAAAAAAALY/1dkD5B0KTBw/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" /></a></div>
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This one kind of goes back to the first step a little; the only key difference being that instead of just making your Shepard look realistic, role-playing Shepard means that you have to try to emulate Shepard's personality realistically. This might make you wonder how Commander Shepard's personality would really be. To figure it out let's look at the real "Commander Shepards" that exist today: the military infantry.</div>
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The infantrymen who have seen <i>real warfare</i> tend to develop a <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-18563_162-2936403.html">beautiful bouquet of stress related mental disorders</a>: most common amongst them being PTSD and other ailments that encourage habit forming behavior and addiction in a percentage of returning veterans. Now what happens if you take one of those infantrymen and up the stress by, let's just say, <i>one thousand percent</i>?</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-r4jzTYqsy8k/T1AsYutfaEI/AAAAAAAAAKw/9J8TUn1C8kw/s1600/heres-johnny.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-r4jzTYqsy8k/T1AsYutfaEI/AAAAAAAAAKw/9J8TUn1C8kw/s320/heres-johnny.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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What happens when you take an infantryman, have him live through countless battles and watch literally hundreds of the men and women that he served with die horrible, violent deaths right in front of his eyes? What happens if you bring him back to life with an experimental technique that has never really been used before to fight an enemy that is threatening to kill pretty much everyone and everything that he has ever loved? And, just to spice it up a little bit more, what if this man died in a way that would encourage serious traumatic fear of the very thing that he would have to travel in day in and day out?</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZGYojxGX9Xc/T1Ay4Ax8_VI/AAAAAAAAAK4/3E5ZmfCdVKE/s1600/christian-bale-wbeard-totally-looks-like-charles-manson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZGYojxGX9Xc/T1Ay4Ax8_VI/AAAAAAAAAK4/3E5ZmfCdVKE/s320/christian-bale-wbeard-totally-looks-like-charles-manson.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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And one more thing about the resurrection surgery: did they even think about what kind of problematic mental issues might arise from completely regrowing someone's brain? I'm pretty sure that no one bothered to mention whether they had tried it before on anyone else, and given how expensive the procedure is, it seems highly unlikely that they did. Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if they hadn't even tried it on a pig cadaver before they decided to start it up on the Commander. That means that, for all they knew, they might have unleashed one of the most highly trained and mentally fucked up killing machines upon a galaxy that already had <a href="http://masseffect.wikia.com/wiki/Reaper">a major problem with giant life-exterminating crabs</a>- or whatever.</div>
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What all this means is that the "real" Shepard would be one mentally unstable dude. To simulate the real Shepard while playing ME3, why not try to bring out the crazy by switching up moral decisions left and right, like some sort of even more bipolar Christian Bale? It's a great way to establish the uncontrollable mood swings that Shepard must have around every other second. </div>
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For example: if you happen to run into a needy beggar on the streets, go ahead and give him some money. Once you have collected the "Paragon" points for your noble deed, kill him in some horrible way, if the game permits you to. This is the proper way to play Shepard. You need to keep in mind that with the trauma that he's been through, Shepard is most likely in some state of quasi-reality. One second he might see the beggar as one of his long dead comrades and the next moment he might see him as a giant enemy crab thing. Playing Shepard like a schizophrenic cross between a Captain Planet villain and a rabid ferret is a great way to liven up the Mass Effect 3 story.<br />
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What will Shepard do next? Hell, even<i> you</i> won't know! <br />
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</div>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-40746569978282951942012-02-23T01:05:00.001-07:002012-02-23T01:05:22.352-07:005 Movie Trailers That Are Greatly Improved by the Jurassic Park Theme<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's a magical feeling when you find something that no one has ever noticed before. Sometimes your lucky strike will be something simple, yet amusing -- like, maybe, you just discovered that everyone brushes the left side of their teeth first in the morning or that people always look vaguely upset before they murder someone in cold blood.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i> I always wondered why he made those silly expressions</i></span></div>
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Better still is when you find a use for something that has never been explored by anyone else. One day, with the insane amounts of free time that I used to have, I discovered that there exists a sort of super theme song; a theme song that rules over all other theme songs, if you will. This theme song can be used for anything. This is what composers spend their entire lives struggling to create. And the best part?<br />
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It's the fucking Jurassic Park theme.<br />
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Yes, somehow that magnificent bastard John Williams stumbled upon the ultimate score to absolutely everything. It is the most perfect song that had ever been created by human hands -- and more specifically: <i>old man hands</i>.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-46yS2Zjt3bM/TzoahKo99cI/AAAAAAAAAJo/tYXEgvGgdKQ/s1600/db_John_Williams6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-46yS2Zjt3bM/TzoahKo99cI/AAAAAAAAAJo/tYXEgvGgdKQ/s320/db_John_Williams6.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Ewwwwwwwwwww</i></span></div>
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Strangely, John Williams only used this song for one film; a film that happened to be about dinosaurs. When I realized the song's versatility, I wondered how this could possibly be. I mean, if he wrote it, then surely he would have understood that he no longer needed to compose another song ever again. After a few days of thinking about this, it finally hit me: he didn't create it. He must have found it <i>somewhere.</i></div>
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Where?</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VHYvxnJoNeA/Tzoekb0Hi1I/AAAAAAAAAJw/fNmcb-Oegow/s1600/34-raiders-of-the-lost-saucer.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VHYvxnJoNeA/Tzoekb0Hi1I/AAAAAAAAAJw/fNmcb-Oegow/s320/34-raiders-of-the-lost-saucer.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Probably here</i></span></div>
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When he discovered it, it must have taken him decades to unlock even some of its secrets. Unfortunately, even after all those years, he apparently never understood its true power. The strengths of this theme song only would be discovered long after it had been abandoned by Mr. Williams -- discovered by me, that is.</div>
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How do I know that this song is the most mind-bending-ly fantastic score of all time? I've gone ahead and actually created five examples of how it works flawlessly with any trailer that I could think of. Don't just take my word for it; go ahead and test it out yourself. No really, pull up any Youtube trailer, mute it, and then go ahead and play the theme simultaneously with it. It will work every goddamn time or- well, I'll give you a foot massage or something.<br />
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In any case, here are some examples of why the Jurassic Park theme isn't just for dinosaurs:</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#1. The Dark Knight Rises</b></span></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/cXjlD7GY5P8?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Granted, Michael Kane is most likely some sort of dinosaur</i></span><br />
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This is a great example of how the Jurassic Park theme can really mellow a trailer out. Christian Bale almost seems kind of --dare I say-- <i>relaxed</i>. The tonal change seems, not only appropriate, but needed. The trailer flows pretty well and, hey, even Bane seems a little bit less ridiculous.</div>
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Seriously now, what more could you ask for?</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#2. Titanic 3D</b></span></div>
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Just in case you were wondering: no, I absolutely did not edit that trailer. The Jurassic Park magic just seems to stick especially well with this one. I suppose it's rather ironic that the Jurassic Park theme breaths more new life into this film than the "3D" gimmick ever could.</div>
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But hell, why create new content when <a href="http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2143788569/">you can just reuse the shit that you already made ten years ago</a>? I hear in the business world they call that technique "The Money Printer" -- Or maybe it was the "Lazy-Attempt-At-Gathering-More-Money-From-A-Variety-Of-Easily-Entertained-Idiots". Honestly, after all those Amway meetings, I just can't remember anymore.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#3. Twilight</b></span><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/szMbIjHVREM?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Yeah, yeah: everyone who isn't a newly-pubescent girl or a mother who is desperate for barely-legal boy flesh understands that watching these films is worse than licking the business end of an active chainsaw while lovingly caressing a lumberjack's unshaven testicle pelt. We all get it. </div>
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But what happens when you throw a little JP theme into that estrogen-laden mess? If the original director had correctly added the theme to Twilight's score, then I imagine we would see quotes like this on Rotten Tomatoes:</div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i>"I was joyously surprised by this film's bold and, quite honestly, rad as fucking balls decision to replace an ordinary score with the John Williams theme of Jurassic Park. I would have given this movie two thumbs up if the sheer magic emanating from the theater's speakers hadn't permanently forced both of my thumbs deep into the recesses of my colon."</i> </span><b>-Roger Ebert</b></div>
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<i>"This incredibly emotional romp through our collective psyche impresses and swoons the audience at every turn. Somewhere around five minutes into the film, I closed my eyes and stopped watching whatever the "actors" where trying to pathetically perform and turned my gaze inwards to the majestic score that was radiating throughout the theater -- that's when I understood the truth about the Director's intent: this film is the music. The flailings of the ridiculous human puppets on screen are nothing more than a metaphor for human suffering. Truly first-rate entertainment from the mind of a genius."</i> <b>-Richard Roeper</b></div>
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<i>"I usually like to make controversial claims that bad movies are good and that good movies are bad but, unfortunately, a horrifying wraith, who calls himself an "Anasazi warrior", has threatened to send me to a horrible end if I'm not completely truthful about my feelings on this film. It's- well, I'm surprised how hard telling the truth can be. Wow. Well, um, the movie is pretty damn good, I suppose."</i> <b>-Armond White</b><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#4. The Avengers</b></span></div>
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<b> </b>Why have just one or two comic book characters if you could instead have <i>fucking all of them</i>? This very important question is being posed to every person on earth this year. More importantly, the Jurassic Park theme completely rocks this trailer.</div>
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Quite a bit of money could have been saved during production if they would have just filmed Robert Downey Jr. tap dancing to this theme while jets flew around overhead.<b> </b>Shit, I would definitely go to see that movie.<b></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">#5. The Amazing Spider-Man in "Holy Shit, Is This Kind of Plagiarism Even Legal?"</span></b></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/okloMnWczQs?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">A studio that runs out of ideas should stop making films until, y'know, they have another goddamn idea; this simple concept must have completely escaped Columbia Pictures </span></span>when they green-lighted this film. Unless you happen to have cultural Asperger's syndrome, you probably realize that <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiderman_film">this movie has already been fucking made</a>. In fact, it has already been fucking made <a href="http://www.blu-ray.com/movies/Spider-Man-The-High-Definition-Trilogy-Blu-ray/547/">three times</a>.<b> </b>Columbia Pictures just assumes that all Spider-Man fans have extreme memory loss.</div>
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On the flip side, with the Jurassic Park theme added in, this movie is almost original. Almost.<b></b></div>
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<b> In conclusion: don't make shitty movies, Christian Bale is an entertaining crazy person, 3D is the best gimmick <a href="http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/lady-gaga-wore-prosthetic-penis-at-vmas-20110830">since Lady Gaga wore a prosthetic penis</a>, oh, and the Jurassic Park theme fucking rules.</b><br />
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<span id="goog_721131465"></span><span id="goog_721131466"></span></div>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-57825702570549035472012-02-07T20:36:00.000-07:002012-02-23T02:21:42.587-07:00How Video Games Will Replace Film<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I woke up this morning with only one thing on my mind: "it's time to make a crazy-ass prediction". Mind you, I don't mean a crazy-ass prediction that is crazy for the sake of crazy, or an implausible prediction that you'd expect to see emblazoned next to a headline in Weekly World News.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3U1XBukVER8/TzGutJkqcDI/AAAAAAAAAIg/OtrWfndd1Mg/s1600/Satan-captured-Weekly-World-News4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3U1XBukVER8/TzGutJkqcDI/AAAAAAAAAIg/OtrWfndd1Mg/s320/Satan-captured-Weekly-World-News4.jpg" width="249" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Satan has been known to throw up the metal horns whenever threatened </i></span></div>
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No, this prediction is not only plausible, I can guarantee it will happen one way or another -- maybe even before 2032. My prediction is that, within the next twenty years, video games will replace film entirely. That's not to say that we're going to stop wanting to watch entertainment; it means that the way we interact with and observe entertainment will <i>merge</i> into one form. Stop and think about that for a second.<br />
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We're already beginning to see this trend emerge organically, though admittedly, it is primitive. Interaction and immersion into games has never been so deep and nuanced as it is today. If you have the right setup, some games can completely suck you in. I've even had moments where I've been "jarred" back to reality by someone knocking on my door or a sudden loud noise while playing a game that I was completely enraptured by.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HIZPvIn8ix8/TzG-_x4HHyI/AAAAAAAAAIo/fYlcZxgiEyY/s1600/house-on-fire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HIZPvIn8ix8/TzG-_x4HHyI/AAAAAAAAAIo/fYlcZxgiEyY/s320/house-on-fire.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>I've learned that fire alarms can be pretty damned obnoxious</i></span></div>
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As our technology becomes more powerful, our entertainment will become far more immersive as well; this sort of stuff is obvious even to someone who doesn't pay much thought to the entertainment industry. What isn't so obvious is the main symptom of all of these different forms of entertainment making leaps in what they can do technically. As, say, video games become more and more powerful in what they can do, a funny thing happens: they start to compete with film. <a href="http://www.shacknews.com/article/52419/hollywood-fearful-of-gta-4">This is already happening.</a></div>
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The next step in the advancement of the video game medium isn't immediately intuitive but, nonetheless, it is real. One day soon the technology will make it possible to not only play out a full cinematic experience with all the bells and whistles -- including actors, some of whom will be real "players" and some which will be simulated, and full stories that will be directed by an adaptive system that changes the experience based on your actions -- think Holodeck or Quantum Leap-style.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zpP2Z5YfpmM/TzHNqO1bEmI/AAAAAAAAAIw/iBDIZhjUX6k/s1600/QuantumLeap-Season5Episode17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zpP2Z5YfpmM/TzHNqO1bEmI/AAAAAAAAAIw/iBDIZhjUX6k/s320/QuantumLeap-Season5Episode17.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Unfortunately, the future still cannot make you as "sexy" as Scott Bakula</i></span></div>
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Once this level of immersion becomes technologically possible, video games will evolve into their new form: "interactive entertainment". When this paradigm shift occurs, the film industry will not so much be destroyed, but more likely absorbed. You see, this new form of entertainment will create a dynamic system where, even if you don't want to interact with the action, you could just sit back and watch someone else live out the experience in front of you. Acting skills won't be necessary because the experience won't make you pretend. <i>It will seem absolutely real to you.</i> </div>
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This new chimaera of entertainment will open up brand new possibilities. Want to laugh at your best friend as he tries to fend off a T-Rex with a lightsaber? Maybe you would just prefer to watch some "intellectually-handicapable" celebrity attempt to solve a murder mystery. Do you somehow have a thing for Christian Bale? Why not, then, have a simulated version of Christian Bale play every role in what would probably be the most ridiculous version of The Lord of The Rings to date.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_1Kj3VSjh0/TzHRgZfyPjI/AAAAAAAAAI4/nKXpePjo5IQ/s1600/american-psycho-christian-bale-sex.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_1Kj3VSjh0/TzHRgZfyPjI/AAAAAAAAAI4/nKXpePjo5IQ/s320/american-psycho-christian-bale-sex.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i> -The Dark Lord Sauron right after he has slain Isildur's father</i></span></div>
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To quote an overused phrase, "the sky's the limit" when it comes to the new medium. The mechanics of the devices that will have the ability to create this kind of visual and physical involvement are harder to predict, but it'd be a safe bet that by 2030 they will exist in some form. The only uncertainty, I think, is whether we'll have the right creative minds that will be necessary to truly create the sort of content that would be needed to truly bring this kind of stuff to life.<br />
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What do you think? Will my prediction come true, and if it does, what would you like to do with it?</div>
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<br />Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-91308452648868833382012-02-05T21:48:00.000-07:002012-02-06T20:02:45.156-07:003 Flaws That Ruin Otherwise Good Games<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Amongst the river of random knowledge that floats around in my head, I am aware of the fact that a gaming blog should be centered on actually playing games and probably shouldn't be about not playing them. But you know what? I'm not listening to reason today. No, sir; I'm not even willing to listen to my own reason. You see, I've hit a point in my life where I will stop playing a game even if it isn't soul-destroyingly bad. The only offense that a game has to commit to have me put it down permanently these days is simple: if it doesn't suck me in, it's fucking gone.<br />
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It wasn't always like this. At one point I would have played everything that was put in front of me as long as it kind of looked like a game.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ijs6EoaElrg/TyyJoGBvFsI/AAAAAAAAAG4/MqQOiQZ0ldA/s1600/top-5-imagic-games-for-atari-2600-20090121044723942.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="190" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ijs6EoaElrg/TyyJoGBvFsI/AAAAAAAAAG4/MqQOiQZ0ldA/s320/top-5-imagic-games-for-atari-2600-20090121044723942.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i> Sort of.</i></span></div>
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Now that I'm older, I just can't seem to dedicate myself to that mindset anymore. I'm willing to pass up ten decently good, engrossing experiences for more time with just one mind-blowingly, shit-wrangelingly fan-fucking-tastic experience.<br />
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Games like "The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim" and "Star Wars: The Old Republic" are sucking up my time faster than the black hole at the center of our galaxy is sucking up Type 1 civilizations -- and that's pretty fucking fast.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fPYn1AihUAY/TyyNeOrMNGI/AAAAAAAAAHA/ZRn4jdznDCs/s1600/fragelrock.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="288" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fPYn1AihUAY/TyyNeOrMNGI/AAAAAAAAAHA/ZRn4jdznDCs/s320/fragelrock.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Seconds before the Fraggles learned the true meaning of oblivion</i></span></div>
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Since I have neither the interest nor the will to waste any more time on games that aren't at least <i>nearly</i> perfect, I have had to set up a bunch of rules, subconsciously, that govern which games get tossed into my don't-give-a-shit bucket. After mercilessly beating this information out of my foolishly secretive subconscious, I will try to establish the issues that keep me from playing a decently good, but somewhat boring game. Just keep in mind that even if it were possible to fix everything that I'm about to list, no game in the next four years will be as much fun, or be able to eat half as much time from a normal man's schedule as Skyrim. It wouldn't surprise me if the cure for cancer has been prolonged for another decade or so because of all the man-hours that have been lost in the last few months.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yuRxKeueADw/TyyS9ZYwNBI/AAAAAAAAAHI/a454wveFrho/s1600/polio-vaccine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yuRxKeueADw/TyyS9ZYwNBI/AAAAAAAAAHI/a454wveFrho/s320/polio-vaccine.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>But hey, at least we still have the Polio vaccine</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#1. Being Way Too Linear</b></span><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y6LVXxXaHSI/Ty0EdjroLPI/AAAAAAAAAHg/3v5abnV6jKc/s1600/cutmypic.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y6LVXxXaHSI/Ty0EdjroLPI/AAAAAAAAAHg/3v5abnV6jKc/s1600/cutmypic.png" /></a></div>
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<b><i>Chief offender: the "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare" series </i></b></div>
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Sometimes it pays to keep a good, working formula going. Sometimes using the same idea over and over will make you stupid rich. Of all the games that attempt the rinse and repeat strategy of game design, Call of Duty is the best and most flamboyant example of all time. I have examined COD: MW3 with a crew of 100-year-old (sometimes) former prostitutes and from what we have gathered, this game seems to have reused the<a href="http://www.gogaminggiant.com/2011/05/24/is-modern-warfare-3-recycling-animations/"> same assets that the previous games in the series had used.</a><br />
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Besides the fact that they always rip off the previous game in the series, they also happen to be really, really fucking linear. What does linear mean? Well, my prepubescent audience, do you remember those old "Hot Wheels" track sets that looked so fucking awesome when you were 12-and-a-half?<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>In COD the robots are represented by various minorities</i></span></div>
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That commercial is a good example of how the gameplay in COD works. Just imagine that instead of an orange track, it's a brown and grey track with some rocks and shit in some places. Oh, and instead of a plastic car, you're a camera with a G.I. Joe's right arm duct taped to it.</div>
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There are moments in MW3 that are good, to be sure. Unfortunately, COD has come to the same place that Michael Bay has been occupying for some time now. The COD series has found itself in a rut where every new entry must be more "explosive" and electrifying than the last. One-up-manship is clearly seen in MW3 as the set-pieces get more ridiculous and unbelievable.</div>
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I didn't get very into MW3, as you can guess. I couldn't keep my interest when the game seemed to keep screaming in my ears, embarrassingly, that it was relevant and exciting. At the end of the day, the complete lack of choice --even of the illusion of choice-- kept me disinterested. I'm sure that the inevitable sequel will try even harder to gain my attention, perhaps with some new gimmick. Although I can't claim that the COD games are horrible, I can make a reasonable prediction that I probably won't be playing MDW4 -- and for good reasons.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-X8RnlDXQCO0/Tyz9kuHGcSI/AAAAAAAAAHY/LlZgZBSCvCw/s1600/dinosaurs-jurassic-the-hunted-screenshot1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="182" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-X8RnlDXQCO0/Tyz9kuHGcSI/AAAAAAAAAHY/LlZgZBSCvCw/s320/dinosaurs-jurassic-the-hunted-screenshot1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>COD: Modern Dinosaur Warfare 4</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#2. Assuming Your Game's Story is "Emotional"</b></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IBgXEFc2Ooc/Ty0LKFu8PMI/AAAAAAAAAHw/vFFTiB-fdz0/s1600/cutmypic%281%29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="91" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IBgXEFc2Ooc/Ty0LKFu8PMI/AAAAAAAAAHw/vFFTiB-fdz0/s400/cutmypic%281%29.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b><i>Chief Offender: "Gears of War 3: GEAR HARDER*"</i></b><br />
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I reached a point in playing Gears of War 3 where I realized that Epic Games have absolutely no idea how a normal human being functions emotionally. Surprisingly, it wasn't the overdone combat, the gritty and often explosive gore, or even the vacuous dialog that made me realize that GOW wasn't trying to relate to my softer and emotional, some would even say pussy, side. The game is enjoyable because of its absurdly brutal and testosterone packed characters and gameplay, not because of its lasting effect on the emotional psyche of people the world over.<br />
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Gears of War wants to be the video game version of The Expendables, it wants to be the WWE of the gaming world -- or at least that's what we thought it wanted to be when it debuted in 2006. Now, in the black president-ed world we find ourselves in today, GOW has made a ridiculous effort to appeal to those annoying spasms in our guts we get every once in a while that women call "emotions". What makes it even worse is the way they went about playing up the feelings in GOW3.<br />
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The Gears team decided to create a love story in the last entry of the series: GOW2. The love story in that game felt like it had been squeezed in at the last moment to give more reasons for the fantastically "heterosexual" sidekick Dom to want to kill the Locust Horde. You see, even though the bad guys had managed to massacre the entire planet, there just weren't enough reasons for the player to completely fucking despise the chief enemy in the series. But alas, they needed the mostly male demographic to realize that this shit just got real by killing a somewhat attractive woman.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HsYJH6-ecwo/Ty4jp_mlj3I/AAAAAAAAAH4/Z9-L_Tq1e8s/s1600/maria-gears-of-war.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HsYJH6-ecwo/Ty4jp_mlj3I/AAAAAAAAAH4/Z9-L_Tq1e8s/s320/maria-gears-of-war.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>"Please imagine for a second that you have a girlfriend and that she looks like this"</i></span></div>
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So now that GOW2 had sprung what the development team no doubt thought was a seamless effort at character development, GOW3 came along and tried to pull the non-existent strings that Epic was absolutely positive they had set up in the previous game. The result?</div>
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Dom, who the last game tried to establish as apparently having nothing more to live for, drives a giant explosive Batmobile into the enemy horde, jihad-style. Dom also believes that some form of deus ex machina will prevent the huge explosion that he intends to obliterate all of the bad stuff with from also killing his friends -- even though they're right next to all the Locusts that his suicide bomb will attempt to destroy.</div>
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The emotional response I had from this gripping scene can be illustrated by the one thing that kept bouncing around in my head during that cutscene: "when will I get to kill shit again?". How hard did Epic try? The answer: pretty damn hard. Notice how at the very second of Dom's ridiculous death they switch to slow motion animations and a burnt out Marcus Fenix crying over the death of his former bosom buddy.</div>
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It can't be ignored that they also used the instrumental form of the saddest, most butt-hurtiest anthem of all time: Gary Jule's "Mad World". That song could make any Monty Python skit seem like a somber representation of human struggle and pain through a sea of endless sadness. In essence, that song is depression in its most elemental, visceral form. The fact that Epic used that song for that scene was a hint that they needed to make absolutely damn sure that the Mountain Dew drinking, overweight, 4chan visiting, UFC watching, all boy audience cried a little on the inside.</div>
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What happens when you switch the music to something more appropriate?<br />
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Epic Games no doubt wanted to end the "final" game in the series on an emotional note. Sometime around GOW2's development phase, there must have been a companywide meeting where they pitched ideas about how they could get people invested in their game. The problem was that the people playing their game weren't looking for reasons to get starry-eyed; they wanted to kill shit, and kill shit often. If the GOW playerbase wanted to feel sadness while playing their killing-simulator they could turn to easier, less intrusive means: like shooting up estrogen into their testicles.<br />
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Even though I loved the previous entries in the series, GOW3 couldn't draw me in with its attempts at creating an emotional backdrop. I'm the sort of person who likes his coffee black, his sad movies sad, and his murder-simulators murder-y.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#3. Thinking That More Polygons Makes Your Game Worth Playing (Again)</b></span></div>
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<b><i>Chief Offender: Battlefield 3, Halo CE Anniversary Edition</i></b><br />
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Quite a few games are guilty of this bullshit.<b><i> </i></b>Even if your game is great, which is rare, and even if you have compelling gameplay, releasing a sequel that's main selling point is that it looks <i>shinier</i> isn't good enough. Keep in mind I'm not trying to degrade the importance of visuals here. In a manner of speaking, visual quality can be the glue that holds your game together. The problem comes when you decide to essentially re-release a game that's new features can be summed up as being just a little bit prettier than the last game and having a bigger number at the end of the title.<br />
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When a devteam has no creative energy left, that is when we start to see meager updates packaged as a sequel. It's unfortunate that many of the games that fall into this category of just-not-quite-good-enough truly have the potential to be fantastic. Battlefield 3 is a prime example. The game is fun and engaging in its multiplayer, but you know what? You could say the same about most of the other Battlefield games. This article isn't about good games that are playable, it's about games that just aren't good enough to beat out the fierce competition, and BF3 fits squarely into that category.<b><i></i></b><br />
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Then there's the Halo: CE Anniversary Edition re-release. Everyone loved Halo: Combat Evolved....<br />
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....Ten years ago.<b><i></i></b><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W9od3V2h6Uk/Ty9JqcpSsjI/AAAAAAAAAII/vknG9TFilXg/s1600/beanie-babies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W9od3V2h6Uk/Ty9JqcpSsjI/AAAAAAAAAII/vknG9TFilXg/s320/beanie-babies.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>People were also quite fond of Beanie Babies at that time</i></span></div>
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Unlike Beanie Babies, people still like Halo: CE; well, actually they like the idea of <i>how they remember</i> Halo: CE. It's similar to the GoldenEye-Effect: our nostalgia tends to color our memories for the better. Our brains just aren't very content to leave well enough alone, so we tend to embellish our good experiences and forget how things really were back in the good-ol'-days.<br />
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<b>Spoiler alert:</b> GoldenEye sucks now.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EZmFS_C-fwM/Ty9NVcGwntI/AAAAAAAAAIQ/qY8OQhLbrGs/s1600/goldeneye-n64-original-classic-fps.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EZmFS_C-fwM/Ty9NVcGwntI/AAAAAAAAAIQ/qY8OQhLbrGs/s320/goldeneye-n64-original-classic-fps.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>It's like controlling a tank that's butt fucking a beached whale</i></span></div>
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And guess what? Halo: CE is only marginally better in the context of today's gaming environment than the original GoldenEye or Perfect Dark. It was what the console FPS genre needed to be in 2001: a working console FPS. These days the standards are set a little bit higher.<br />
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So where does that leave things for Halo: CE Anniversary? Well, as you can imagine, it's a shinier Halo: CE that is meant to leach off of the nostalgia of the now-adult 90's kids. Besides that, it's exactly as you'd expect. It's the game that helped usher in quite a few of the modern action genre's clich<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">é</span>s. If you're looking for some kind of nostalgia it'll take you there, but so will some weed and an old photo album; and as a bonus, this method tends to be cheaper than the 39.99$ you'll pay to get to admire Cortana's primitive polygonal boobs.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-63TNAyoadTw/Ty9VR9FI9gI/AAAAAAAAAIY/9TsZnBLPNPY/s1600/220px-Cortana.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-63TNAyoadTw/Ty9VR9FI9gI/AAAAAAAAAIY/9TsZnBLPNPY/s1600/220px-Cortana.jpg" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">She doesn't wear a bra because they don't make them in equilateral shapes</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">In conclusion, these games aren't just helping the status quo to continue,<i> they are</i> the status quo</span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">. </span></i><span style="font-size: small;">Games like Skyrim will always stand out of the crowd from all of the games that do exactly enough to make their money back. If you take anything away from this article it should be this: if you're a gamer, go ahead and keep on keep'n on playing those games, Playa. If you're a developer, stop making mediocre shit or studios like Bethesda will just keep on outdoing you. </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>*Some names have been changed</b></span></i></div>
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</div>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-35643517026117294022012-02-02T07:00:00.000-07:002012-02-02T07:00:08.703-07:00Hall of the Great Unmade Games: The Twilight Zone<br />
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It can be said, quite easily, that certain properties lend themselves better to different creative outlets. For example, Christian Bale might be the world's best voice-based paper shredder, but he also happens to be the world's finest narcissistic bag of loose phlegm.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>"HELLO THERE, I'M CHRISTIAN BALE AND I CAN'T REMEMBER IF THIS IS HOW MY VOICE IS SUPPOSED TO SOUND" -Christian Bale gurgling razorblades </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i> </i><span style="font-size: small;">This is a very well established fact. Sometimes something that is incredible in one form will suck a bag full of dicks in any other. This phenomenon can be easily demonstrated by almost any professional actor that decided to branch off into a "musical career".</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">While this typically holds true to most forms of entertainment, one of the only notable exceptions to this rule of "quality properties staying in their genre" might be the video game industry. Now don't get me wrong, the game industry has had its share of shit-stain crossover titles -- most infamously the film-to-game genre. I would argue that the issue with even those titles, in almost every case, wasn't a problem with the concept of the games but with the team that developed them and the studio that had been trying to turn a dime out of the property by cutting as many corners as possible.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Games, if created by the right people with the right mindset, have the potential to not only hold onto the quality that the original product had, but also to increase it in a number of ways. You can almost throw anything out there and it would conceivably work as a game. Albert Einstein's Biography the Game? Hell yeah, it could work.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Assassin's Creed with numbers </i></span></span></span></div>
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Video games have this versatility because of the core concept of what makes a video game a video game: interactivity. Being able to interact with something <i>always</i> creates more immersion than something that is passively observed. On the flip side, if that immersion is lost --through any number of horrible design decisions or lack of creative talent-- the game will become an unsaveable failure. The unfortunate truth about video games is that the good ones are fantastic and the bad ones are painfully shitastic; that's just the way the medium works.<br />
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Here comes the interesting part: if you could, what game would you to choose to have made? Imagine if you had the ability to assemble a dream-team out of the best developers in whatever genre you would like the game to be made in, and then could be absolutely assured that it would turn out great no matter what. What ideas would come to your mind? Myself, I would choose The Twilight Zone.<br />
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Games like L.A. Noire have already blazed a trail through the old-timey TV and Film territory. Why not have a full budgeted triple 'A' title based on an early 60's TV show? A game like that would even be able to resurrect the old fashioned video game level format without beating you over the head with a "retro feel". With the right set of writers they could open up brand new stories, both interesting and terrifying, for a modern audience. With good writing it would create an excellent opportunity to tell stories with a moral interpretation attached, which is something very few developers have succeeded at doing correctly. Even better, they could replace the dated special effects of the show's time with more believable fare.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TAYyJqvv_Cg/TyoWjVEYxlI/AAAAAAAAAGw/cRK3rVyY1Ps/s1600/twilightzone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TAYyJqvv_Cg/TyoWjVEYxlI/AAAAAAAAAGw/cRK3rVyY1Ps/s1600/twilightzone.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i> Back when the SFX industry was based on Playdough and good intentions</i></span></div>
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Everyone has their own dream game. Some people want a return to form like, perhaps, a long dead game to have a returning sequel that does justice to the original. Some want a game that has already been made, done better; like a Halo franchise that actually tried to create some sort of emotion in the player besides rage-induced tea bagging.<br />
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In the end, even though all of these are still dreams, what would you want to see?</div>
</div>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-10041869105461400002012-01-29T19:00:00.000-07:002012-04-11T16:47:20.812-07:00Top 6 Best of the Worst Uncomfortable Fan Art (That is still SFW, somehow)<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VL3OmKo_Lqs/TyX5BJzp2TI/AAAAAAAAAGY/dHlKHkQhzec/s1600/shocked-kids-at-computer-q0t1tr.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VL3OmKo_Lqs/TyX5BJzp2TI/AAAAAAAAAGY/dHlKHkQhzec/s320/shocked-kids-at-computer-q0t1tr.jpg" width="304" /></a></div>
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Imagining the
internet as a representation of the human mind, we could establish that
websites like Facebook are probably the ego and that websites like 4chan are
most likely the id. What’s more interesting, though, is if we imagine that the
internet is a representation of a batshit insane mind. Actually, that would
explain quite a bit about the internet. It has been said before that the
internet as a whole is 83.5% porn; personally, I feel like that is a pretty
decent representation of the average human mind. What isn’t so easily
explainable, however, is the amount of disturbing and uncomfortable imagery
that the web unleashes upon our eyes on a daily basis. One thing’s for sure, if
the internet is an example of humanity’s brain than we are all pretty fucked
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"> #6 - Human Kirby</span></b><br />
by <i>goatfucker117*</i></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uVLsHMpJZvo/TyXvjsYKWvI/AAAAAAAAAFo/QPTLibLZs60/s1600/human_kirby_by_dragonfly929-d38w87m.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="258" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uVLsHMpJZvo/TyXvjsYKWvI/AAAAAAAAAFo/QPTLibLZs60/s400/human_kirby_by_dragonfly929-d38w87m.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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The best part of
this piece is how ridiculously fat human Kirby is shown to be. Seriously
though, how difficult is it to draw Kirby? It’s a fucking geometrical circle
with a smiley face. It’s harder to draw a cartoonish version of my testicles with
a Crayola. We have to give credit to this “artist” for this creative
endeavor. If I could have had a microphone taped to the wall in this artist’s
studio I would imagine it to sound something like this:</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Kirby artist</i>:
“Pink ball with eyes and a mouth, you say? Fuck that noise. The fat, pink and
bald man look is much truer to the aesthetic soul of Kirby.”</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Random bystander</i>:
“Uh, yeah sure. Whatever. Wait, is that a fucking penguin?”</div>
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<i>Kirby artist</i>: “What, you think the penguin doesn’t make sense? Fuck
you, buddy.”<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b> #5 - Sonic the Uncomfortable Hedgehog</b></span><br />
by <i>sexual_c0nfus1on</i></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ciWmELkUGHM/TyXwqjw_ImI/AAAAAAAAAFw/D2ENTTVeTsU/s1600/Tails___Weakness_by_ReallyReallyBigBang.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ciWmELkUGHM/TyXwqjw_ImI/AAAAAAAAAFw/D2ENTTVeTsU/s400/Tails___Weakness_by_ReallyReallyBigBang.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Once in a while a picture on the internet comes along that is so godamn
uncomfortable it makes you wish that you were born in a generation before the
advent of computers. This here is one of those pictures. Apparently Sonic the
Hedgehog, a character that most of us grew up with, has decided to take an
extra liking to his sidekick – who is most notably an underage boy-fox hybrid –
Tails. I guess Sonic needs some sort of stress relief after his last dozen or
so games have been unfit for even homeless schizophrenic retards to play.</div>
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All I’m saying
is that if any alien civilization happens to see this shit we’d better
appreciate our existence while it lasts.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#4 - Pregnant Dawn</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b><span style="font-size: small;">by <i>ouchmychildhood</i></span><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sr8d738z_a8/TyXymZpZiCI/AAAAAAAAAF4/A7kQFEKQP78/s1600/I_Play_Pokemon_Pearls_by_Jarezed.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sr8d738z_a8/TyXymZpZiCI/AAAAAAAAAF4/A7kQFEKQP78/s400/I_Play_Pokemon_Pearls_by_Jarezed.png" width="342" /></a></div>
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I am so sorry for this. No really, I wish I didn’t have to show you this
horrible image. If you were a young child I’m sure this would be traumatizing
enough to send you over the edge to Jeffrey Dahmer-land.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">On the bright side, this could also function as
a decent psych test. Do you find yourself turned on by this image? If so,
congratulations! You are a sociopathic pedophile!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">#3 - Sexy Pony</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"> </span></b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">by </span><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">frustratedfurryOMEGA666</span></i></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UPcugTCejEk/TyXzVMSL1_I/AAAAAAAAAGA/EO0OPz7hLdY/s1600/___My_Little_Pony____by_SiegeRedwolf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">fru<img border="0" height="333" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UPcugTCejEk/TyXzVMSL1_I/AAAAAAAAAGA/EO0OPz7hLdY/s400/___My_Little_Pony____by_SiegeRedwolf.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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It’s bad enough when a group of 16 and older males decide that your
children’s TV show amuses them so much that they are willing to spend actual
increments of their life posting “ironic” videos and pictures of it to the
internet. What’s worse is when they decide to draw anthropomorphic sexually
suggestive pictures of said children’s characters to the internet. Unlike the
Pregnant Dawn picture above, they’re actually attempting to destroy the
childhood of kids who haven’t grown old enough to destroy it for themselves.
Bravo, humanity. Brav-fucking-o.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#2 - Freudian Peach</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b><span style="font-size: small;">by <i>whydidntmommyholdme</i></span><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7wg_BOn5bxM/TyX0PTgnhkI/AAAAAAAAAGI/chv_JFwZNEk/s1600/the_peach_and_the_plumber_by_edrice-d4dencv.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7wg_BOn5bxM/TyX0PTgnhkI/AAAAAAAAAGI/chv_JFwZNEk/s400/the_peach_and_the_plumber_by_edrice-d4dencv.jpg" width="281" /> </a></div>
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If Freud was still alive this would give him a fucking heart attack.
There is so much shit in this picture that encourages the idea that the artist
was putting Peach in a very motherly role in this image. Notice the baby sized
Mario next to a powerful, bare chested and feminine Peach. The “1-up” panties
definitely refer to the act of sexual intercourse, and well, I’m feeling pretty
dirty right now.</div>
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*Ahem* I think it’s time for the last, and arguably the worst, abomination….</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>#1 - Minnie Mouse</b><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">by </span></span><i><span style="font-size: small;">waltdisneyfan69</span></i></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BAhUi6MUTmQ/TyX09MPuFDI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/O8Abcvd5Ods/s1600/Minnie_Love_by_8Horns.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="360" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BAhUi6MUTmQ/TyX09MPuFDI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/O8Abcvd5Ods/s400/Minnie_Love_by_8Horns.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Oh, come the fuck on internet. Why
would you even draw a sexually suggestive Minnie Mouse? This has got to be some
sort of demented ADHD that only affects the internet. Which is worse, the
person who would decide to position this as real art or the person who gets
enticed by the sexuality of this picture? Are we even supposed to be turned on
by a caricature of a baby mouse?</div>
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I’m going to go take a fucking
shower.<br />
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">For even more uncomfortable fan art <a href="http://gearedtogame.blogspot.com/2012/04/6-more-best-of-worst-uncomfortable-fan.html">click here </a></span></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>*The names have been changed to protect the individual artists from social ostracism and/or probable execution by firing squad.</i></span></b></div>
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</div>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-41427951063029294762012-01-25T20:19:00.000-07:002012-01-25T20:19:51.339-07:00Star Wars: The Old Republic -- This Is the Way the World Ends<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SLGMTTJeaSI/TyDGMGULn5I/AAAAAAAAAFY/GL51nDhpnC8/s1600/SWTOR_4325.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="176" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SLGMTTJeaSI/TyDGMGULn5I/AAAAAAAAAFY/GL51nDhpnC8/s320/SWTOR_4325.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Do you like highly addictive substances? Would you like to have a second job that charges you 15 dollars a month for the sheer pleasure of working your ass off? If you answered "yes" to either of these questions than you are a moron -- oh, and you probably like MMO's too. In any case, you should know that a new life-sucking-incubus is on the march for our collective free time. This time the Demon's unholy name is "Star Wars: The Old Republic", and guess the fuck what? It's made by Bioware.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mHUKoFyU92k/Tx_ZxIzus4I/AAAAAAAAAEg/pJsz22AAqEw/s1600/cash+register+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mHUKoFyU92k/Tx_ZxIzus4I/AAAAAAAAAEg/pJsz22AAqEw/s320/cash+register+2.jpg" width="230" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"> <i>Estrogen makes me buy shit I don't need. Also, Bioware.</i></span></div>
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That's right, assholes: the first Star Wars product made in the last 15 years that didn't sexually harass our collective culture was made by the same dipshits that are now intent on milking our wallet-teats till they can only sputter and spit out dry dollar bill dust. The best part: <i>we will pay them</i>; we have to. For many of us the Knights of The Old Republic was everything the shitty Star Wars prequels weren't: Star Wars.</div>
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Our generation sat together in those dark, damp, piss and puke scented theaters to just catch a glimpse at <i>our</i> Star Wars. If you were too young to witness the original trilogy, the prequels were an opportunity for us to finally claim our age's own myth. You see, the original trilogy was a statement about the era of the 80's. The late 70's and early 80's were dominated by the culture of a decaying zeitgeist and the films tended to reflect the mindset of that age. They were, for the most part, full of dark and gritty action imagery that portrayed an alternate morality that questioned whether the age-old cultural status quo that western society relied on was worth keeping around. The Star Wars films changed that.</div>
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Instead of criticizing the environment that the films were created in and comparing it to the state that the world was in at that time, Star Wars was set in a dark era that was evil for determinable reasons, and for the first time in what felt like forever, the heroes were honest to god <i>good</i>. Let's just say that Luke Skywalker never asked a Storm Trooper if he "felt lucky" while pointing a blaster at his helmet. No, these movies set a straight moral standard that had been seemingly lost for that era. Instead of glorifying a jaded and critical outlook on society, it took a proactive and classically "righteous" approach to the situation that the characters found themselves in. The movies preached redemption, faith in yourself, self-discipline and appreciation for those who are wiser than you.</div>
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Fast forward to the late 90's: we all piled up in theaters to see what we all subconsciously hoped would be a breath of fresh air from the world we spent everyday living in. We had been raised in a era that felt unreal. Commercialism was everywhere and political correctness had transformed our society into an egg-shell-walking pussy-bitch civilization. It's safe to say we needed something to refresh us. Instead we got....Well,</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Rsv7qO9wjg/Tx_nNTv5nyI/AAAAAAAAAEo/ndIjl8O2T6o/s1600/Jar_Jar_binks+is+a+faggot.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Rsv7qO9wjg/Tx_nNTv5nyI/AAAAAAAAAEo/ndIjl8O2T6o/s320/Jar_Jar_binks+is+a+faggot.png" width="243" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>We got the symbol of our age. </i></span></div>
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Though it had seemed that all hope had been lost, we were finally blessed with a Star Wars that highlighted everything the prequels should have been: an epic morality tale that reminded us good and evil were more than abstract concepts and that made us feel excited to be witnessing an incredible struggle in awesome circumstances. And, to the surprise of us all, it came from a video game.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cMCz2dNDNTE/Tx_rOigoBWI/AAAAAAAAAEw/VLsyIY7MRYg/s1600/atari_et_s1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cMCz2dNDNTE/Tx_rOigoBWI/AAAAAAAAAEw/VLsyIY7MRYg/s320/atari_et_s1.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Unfortunately, this wasn't that game.</span></i></div>
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Now it seems that the game that reminded us of what Star Wars could be if it were put in the right hands has returned in the form of an MMORPG. MMO's, if you somehow have managed to remain in a state of blissful ignorance, are an insidious device that's sole purpose is to rob unsocial neck-bearded misanthropes of their non-earned 15$ a month -- that is why I consider them culturally enriching. <a href="http://robertandchristina.com/0706wowwedding/0706wowwedding1.html">Oh yeah, apparently people also get married through them.</a><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TH9mQC8Lz1M/TyCgFdn5vUI/AAAAAAAAAE4/BPDGmoIUBhM/s1600/3239810114_4fb50418d8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TH9mQC8Lz1M/TyCgFdn5vUI/AAAAAAAAAE4/BPDGmoIUBhM/s320/3239810114_4fb50418d8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>A very wise choice indeed.</i></span></div>
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But despite my initial stigma with the genre, I have to say that The Old republic is actually pretty damn good. It's definitely good enough to warrant more play time but doesn't have same exceptional quality to put it in the same league as Star Wars: Knights of The Old Republic. The reason it fell short can be chalked up to the nature of massively multiplayer games and their mechanics. It's impossible to have the same feeling of importance for your character in a MMO that you can have, say, in a tightly focused single player game.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q1RYEp9Hee8/TyClp26TtjI/AAAAAAAAAFA/jwZDaLilD2Y/s1600/sithwarr.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="176" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q1RYEp9Hee8/TyClp26TtjI/AAAAAAAAAFA/jwZDaLilD2Y/s320/sithwarr.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>"OK, so we're just gonna throw this flag in the air and whoever catches it will be the new protagonist."</i></span></div>
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It can't be said that Bioware didn't try, however. In fact, they tried around <a href="http://beefjack.com/news/star-wars-the-old-republic-cost-200-million-to-develop/">200 million times</a>. The reason why they failed wasn't because of lack of ambition or a divided development team; they failed their goal of a story-based Star Wars MMO because they tried to splice into a genre that they couldn't quite mesh with their game's intended story-based direction. Massively multiplayer games have a targeted fan base of people who spend their money and time trying to accomplish ridiculous amounts of nothing while pretending that they are accomplishing a whole lot of something. The target audience doesn't play to develop their character's story -- they see MMO's like World of Warcraft as a controlled Facebook-like environment where they can interact with others while being kept on a fairly entertaining set of roller coaster tracks. While the MMO genre could work with the KoTOR formula in theory, in practice it makes the world seem like a cross between a controlled environment like Disneyland and the fast paced and high loser ratio of Live Action Role Playing.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AnT_Ns0pEJk/TyC_Hj61dII/AAAAAAAAAFI/o5GURwmstCk/s1600/larp-dymwan-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AnT_Ns0pEJk/TyC_Hj61dII/AAAAAAAAAFI/o5GURwmstCk/s320/larp-dymwan-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">This is what I like to call "fantastically normal".</span></span></div>
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At the end of the day the game is still fantastic. The game is fast-paced at times and interesting at others. The voice acting quality is incredible and there is a <a href="http://www.computerandvideogames.com/331443/the-old-republic-crowned-largest-voice-over-project-ever/">whole hell of a lot of it</a>. However, besides all the positives, it just doesn't live up to either the legacy of its namesake or its fore barer. Don't get me wrong, if you are looking into playing a MMO than this one is worth at least the initial price of admission. If you want an actual Star Wars experience that makes you relive the feeling of first seeing The Empire Strikes Back, well, you'll have to look somewhere else.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JhloSrnc12g/TyDBYsxeN1I/AAAAAAAAAFQ/SqqOL70Tcq4/s1600/3d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JhloSrnc12g/TyDBYsxeN1I/AAAAAAAAAFQ/SqqOL70Tcq4/s320/3d.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>And probably not here either.</i></span></div>
</div>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-23332918010024814262012-01-24T00:16:00.000-07:002012-03-05T16:28:41.075-07:00Apples Vs. Oranges 2: Electric Booga-fuck-you It has been nearly three years since I wrote<a href="http://gearedtogame.blogspot.com/2009/03/beginning-plus-some-thoughts-on-psp-2.html"> my prophetic article</a> regarding the inevitable cluster fuck that the next iteration of the PSP would prove to be. Of course, 2009 was a simpler time for the portable gaming market and I was, at the time, confident in my assumptions that the “PSP2” would either follow the Sony tried and true technique of “shiny black— but this time even more so!”, or a more experimental strategy of “plastic that is as BLACK as the void but also so polished that, like, light kinda just slides off of it: like a plastic slip-and-slide. <span style="font-size: 78%; line-height: 115%;">Oh, and we duck-taped an extra screen on there too – with touch controls</span>”. Unfortunately, the future proved to be even more ridiculous than what I had originally envisioned. And I mean, holy shit, my original vision was already pretty fucking ridiculous.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DOdgH6FT6-8/Tx5bSfETYYI/AAAAAAAAADE/SE17FkTSNHA/s1600/psp2.png"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5701094551432946050" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DOdgH6FT6-8/Tx5bSfETYYI/AAAAAAAAADE/SE17FkTSNHA/s320/psp2.png" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 180px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 85%;">Pictured here: Ridiculous</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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At the very moment that I’m typing this, the new iteration of the PSP is already barreling towards store shelves faster than an alcoholic trying to desperately find the nearest Total Wine & More. So what can we expect to see in this “highly anticipated” launch from Sony?</div>
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<i>Drum roll….</i></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UB54irDVelA/Tx5ce6VUc1I/AAAAAAAAADQ/S3EjjhUbqzI/s1600/psp.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5701095864422134610" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UB54irDVelA/Tx5ce6VUc1I/AAAAAAAAADQ/S3EjjhUbqzI/s320/psp.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 240px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Ta-da!</span></span></div>
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</div>
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<br /></div>
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Wait a second. I’m pretty sure that’s the wrong picture.</div>
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No, wait. Here it is:</div>
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<i>Drum roll….</i></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3JxYggHmKeA/Tx5dAAHsvOI/AAAAAAAAADc/-Q8gUPJVz4s/s1600/psvita_02.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5701096432911301858" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3JxYggHmKeA/Tx5dAAHsvOI/AAAAAAAAADc/-Q8gUPJVz4s/s320/psvita_02.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 180px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /></a></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-size: 85%;">TA-Fucking-DA!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 85%;"><br /></span></div>
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</div>
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No really, that’s the new system. They actually managed to take fewer chances than a designated driver would on an average Monday morning. Just in case you happen to be one of those people that can’t spot differences in two nearly identical pictures, I’m going to go ahead and point out the main difference to you John Madden style.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EIlra6vzGOE/Tx5fUDpIA4I/AAAAAAAAADo/A5U2TahXS6g/s1600/psvita_03.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5701098976477447042" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EIlra6vzGOE/Tx5fUDpIA4I/AAAAAAAAADo/A5U2TahXS6g/s320/psvita_03.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 180px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-size: 85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">BOOM. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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And that, my friends, is that. I can count the changes of this system’s design on one hand – even if I amputated all of my fingers. Hell, I could probably still make it work even if I amputated my whole hand and tied a string around my stump so I wouldn’t forget that they added an analog stick.</div>
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This should be the point where you’re wondering whether they did anything new to the system at all and honestly, the answer is that they did add a few new features. Well, that was before the PlayStation design team got drunk and decided to add even fucking more. So if you like gimmicks then there are enough of those to make the Wii look more conventional than an Atari 2600.</div>
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But c’mon, you have to see Sony’s point of view. The people like gimmicky bizarro controls, you say? Fuck it. Let’s just give ‘em a touch screen. What’s that? Not enough? Well how about a completely arbitrary second touchpad without a screen on the back! Now we’re cooking with propane!</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QodOcfVExtE/Tx5hysC2QrI/AAAAAAAAAD0/FLXwK75EN4k/s1600/Sir_Howard_Stringer_2_Shankbone_Metropolitan_Opera_2009-620x430.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5701101701742084786" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QodOcfVExtE/Tx5hysC2QrI/AAAAAAAAAD0/FLXwK75EN4k/s320/Sir_Howard_Stringer_2_Shankbone_Metropolitan_Opera_2009-620x430.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 222px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 85%;">Happy now, fuckers?</span></div>
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</div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And then there’s the godamn name.</i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></div>
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When I hear “Vita” my brain doesn’t automatically correlate it with an amazing mobile gaming device. In fact, my brain tends to shoot me images that look like this:</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SYHp88hevlg/Tx5iNX9c0pI/AAAAAAAAAEA/cwXSA7tPI14/s1600/mexican-refs.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5701102160207205010" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SYHp88hevlg/Tx5iNX9c0pI/AAAAAAAAAEA/cwXSA7tPI14/s320/mexican-refs.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 288px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /></a></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-size: 85%;">But then again, that could just be because I’m American.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 85%;"><br /></span></div>
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</div>
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<br /></div>
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What about the competition? Let’s look at the Nintendo 3DS and compare how laughable Sony’s “design change” really is:</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-o4sWR8Ip_Os/Tx5jCrAP3-I/AAAAAAAAAEM/rYMVaH3LEmA/s1600/nintendo_3ds_817924_g13.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5701103075852279778" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-o4sWR8Ip_Os/Tx5jCrAP3-I/AAAAAAAAAEM/rYMVaH3LEmA/s320/nintendo_3ds_817924_g13.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 180px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">GODAMMIT</span></span></div>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-15302373142925536432011-01-06T23:20:00.000-07:002012-02-21T22:24:56.919-07:00I'm Rich<span style="font-family: "; font-size: 130%;">Sometimes it pays to be a lucky motherfucker. This is one of those times.<br /><br />Today, I was fortunate enough to have an auditor from a large South African bank send me an email alerting me to my new found wealth. The message reads like a wet dream. If you have erotic dreams about Africans struggling to write in English, that is.<br /><br />The original message is as follows:<br /><br />"Good Day,<br />I am Patrick Phila Auditor/ a staff in one of the leading bank in South Africa. During the annual year account auditing I discovered an abandoned large sum of money (US$14.7M) belonging to one of our late Foreign Customer, who happened to have similar surname with you.<br />The owner of this account was involve in ghastly car accident here in South Africa.<br />I am writing you to seek for your Sincere Co-operation to present you as the heir to the available cash since he does not specify anyone as his next of kin on our record. Due to the sensitivity of this matter i have intentionally left out some final details.<br />If you are interested and capable to help me, please state your full names, Address, Age, telephone/fax number and occupation to enable me make you the next of kin to the available funds.<br />I will provide details and sharing ratio once I hear from you this deal is between two of us no third party. Please get back to me.<br />Regards,<br />Mr.Patrick Phila."<br /><br />After reading this incredible message I knew that I had to respond quickly. It was quite obvious to me that, on this very day, God had decided that he would shine upon me with his glorious grace – his grace being hundred dollar bills.<br /><br />Knowing this, I quickly wrote out this response:<br /><br />"Good day, Pat.<br /><br />I was rather excited when I saw your listed amount for $14.7M (which doesn't sound like a made-up figure at all). I also agree with you that, since I am the awesomest person in the world, I do deserve to be lucky enough to earn this grand sum from my poor, recently deceased family member (who I don't feel a shred of sadness for. Seriously, I'm fucking glad that he's dead. Fuck him). By the way, it is a good thing that I am the only person with my particular surname in the world; otherwise I might have been slightly suspicious of your intentions.<br /><br />I would also like to thank you for being so kind as to do a long, hard search for me after my (enter particular mysterious family member)'s death has occurred. I imagine that, had I been in your position, I probably would have funneled all of the money into a sock puppet bank account that had been registered under my name. But then again, we all can't be geniuses, now can we, Patty? I hope you don't mind if I call you that, do you, Patty?<br /><br />This brings me to another issue: the whole "I don't know your name" thing. Now, I do understand that it can be rather difficult to do research on someone who you are writing an email to. Especially if this said email is about $14,700,000. And it makes things even more difficult if you have already suggested that you knew my name from the beginning of the email. But hey, no one's perfect, right?<br /><br />Since I'm a very understanding person, I have decided that I will call up my records to give you my full name and identification. Unfortunately, however, I have run into a bit of a snag. You see, I seem to have forgotten all of my personal information. What makes things worse is that my house was just involved in a ghastly house accident that burnt it to the ground. Because of this tragic event, I have no way to access my recently forgotten ID.<br /><br />For me to give you my identification I'm going to need financial help so that I can go to the "American ID Record-o-tron"(AIDR) and pay to have all of my information re-implanted into my neural-synthotronizers. Seeing as I have no Republic Credits at this time, I'm going to need you to give me a bank account number or PayPal account so that I can pay the AIDR in advance. I would appreciate it if you could send me the relevant information as quickly as possible.<br /><br />Thanks again.<br /><br />Your loving business associate,<br /><br />-Apollyon"<br /><br />Unfortunately, I'm still awaiting a response.</span>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-53044630576860830722009-03-23T17:34:00.000-07:002009-03-23T21:26:23.532-07:00CryENGINE 3 Impressions<span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Hello there, prized internet gaming enthusiast demographic. I’m here, once again, with glad tidings of video gaming news and cheer.Today we got our first look at Crytek's new CryENGINE 3</span></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" >. How was it? Well, to be frank, it was pretty fucking badass. I mean, look at that shit.<br /><br /></span><p class="MsoNormal"></p><center><embed src="http://videomedia.ign.com/ev/ev.swf" flashvars="isStandAlone=true&highRes_ID=2793722&lowRes_ID=2793725&article_ID=965172&downloadURL=http://pcmovies.ign.com/pc/video/article/965/965172/cryengine3_trl_032309_flvlowwide.flv&allownetworking="all%"" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="380"></embed><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >Good luck running that on your 100$ laptops, African children</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br /><p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I mean, seriously. Look at it. It makes my eye balls want to escape from my skull and jump, gleefully, into the CryENGINE 3 pool of polygonal Valhalla. It looks fucking fantastic. Fuck that – it looks fucktastic. Usually, I judge video game graphics by my own patented method of “squint until it looks real” (S.U.I.L.R), but with the video above, I hardly have to squint at all. In fact, I think it looks so real that a person living in a CryENGINE 3 world would have to squint his fucking eyes while looking at our real universe just so it would match his own world’s visual fidelity. That shit is fucking bananas.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://lauraberry.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/space-invaders.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 203px; height: 242px;" src="http://lauraberry.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/space-invaders.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >Pictured: What real life is compared to the CryENGINE 3</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">You remember how crazy the concept of a virtual reality world where people couldn’t tell the difference between reality and simulation was back when the Matrix was released? Well, if our graphical capabilities keep increasing at the rate that they are now, people who are released from the Matrix in the future will be begging to get back in.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.beefjack.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/pong.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 209px; height: 161px;" src="http://www.beefjack.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/pong.png" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >Welcome to the real world, Neo</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:85%;">.</span><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">What’s even crazier is that it is conceivable that in ten years video games may make a leap as significant as the PS1 to what the CryENGINE 3 is now. If you have even a small interest in video games then that should appeal to you. Future based simulations may advance to the point that you will be able to go on vacation without even leaving your goddamn house. And all that may be available as soon as Obama has completed his second term.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Once again, my dear friends, our epic adventure in madness has brought us to the end of this post. Since I want to leave you with something more than a nice pat on the ass and reassuring “ya’ll come back now, ya hear”, I’ve decided to post graphical comparisons of games that have come out through the last 30 years.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.thegoldbrick.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/centped2.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 256px;" src="http://www.thegoldbrick.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/centped2.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >1980</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.goth-night-savannah.com/Myspace/sinistar.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 253px; height: 307px;" src="http://www.goth-night-savannah.com/Myspace/sinistar.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >1982</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.consoleclassix.com/info_img/Super_Mario_Brothers_NES_ScreenShot2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 224px;" src="http://www.consoleclassix.com/info_img/Super_Mario_Brothers_NES_ScreenShot2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >1985</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d3/MD_Sonic_the_Hedgehog.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 252px; height: 173px;" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d3/MD_Sonic_the_Hedgehog.png" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >1991</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://cdn.cloudfiles.mosso.com/c10711/virtua_fighter.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 252px; height: 193px;" src="http://cdn.cloudfiles.mosso.com/c10711/virtua_fighter.png" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >1993</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/84/243837619_c22e931c69_o.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 250px; height: 162px;" src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/84/243837619_c22e931c69_o.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >1996</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.coolrom.com/screenshots/n64/Jet%20Force%20Gemini%20%282%29.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 249px; height: 187px;" src="http://www.coolrom.com/screenshots/n64/Jet%20Force%20Gemini%20%282%29.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >1999</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://seganerds.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/sonic-adventure-dx-4.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 247px; height: 172px;" src="http://seganerds.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/sonic-adventure-dx-4.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >1998</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_CWor6UdXxBk/Rt8XRjma_kI/AAAAAAAAAQw/aQxmU5q-N2E/s400/oddworldmunch.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 245px; height: 187px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_CWor6UdXxBk/Rt8XRjma_kI/AAAAAAAAAQw/aQxmU5q-N2E/s400/oddworldmunch.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >2001</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://peregrimme.com/images/halo-2-4.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 243px; height: 181px;" src="http://peregrimme.com/images/halo-2-4.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >2004</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i287/devious742/wargame-g4wlive2007-11-1320-14-03-3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 243px; height: 179px;" src="http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i287/devious742/wargame-g4wlive2007-11-1320-14-03-3.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >2006</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.joystiq.com/media/2006/03/Crysis_direct_feed_shot.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 239px; height: 160px;" src="http://www.joystiq.com/media/2006/03/Crysis_direct_feed_shot.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >2008</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.knowledgehound.com/images/matrix3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 231px; height: 275px;" src="http://www.knowledgehound.com/images/matrix3.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >?</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d3/MD_Sonic_the_Hedgehog.png"><br /></a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p></span></center>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6339433924165456998.post-5468394656880209602009-03-21T18:51:00.000-07:002009-03-22T01:52:42.067-07:00The Beginning and Some Thoughts on the PSP2<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> 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first blog here and I want to hit the ground running, I decided that I should give some background information about myself and the new blog that I’ve started today to my incredibly large readership of two or three people (all of whom most likely stumbled upon my dark little corner of the internet by pure accident). First off, I would like to say, welcome to the future most popular video game blog in the world. Yes, it will be </span><i style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">that</i><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> awesome. How do I know this? Well, besides my overwhelming urge to mumble in a cool menacing voice that “</span><i style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I have foreseen it</i><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">”, I’m just generally talking out of my ass.</span><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.dmeb.net/speb/foryoureyes/Emperor03.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 289px; height: 216px;" src="http://www.dmeb.net/speb/foryoureyes/Emperor03.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span> <span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >My ass has foreseen it</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><o:p></o:p></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">However, I can honestly say that I do have passion for video games and also the ability to string together fandabulously-complex-sounding sentences (now with 50% more words that I actually didn’t make up). These skills tell my highly-developed ape brain that I will be an incredibly successful video game blogger/journalist. What is a video game blogger/journalist, you ask? Well, I’m pretty sure that they’re awesomely successful people who write about things that tend to make you somewhat fat and amazingly charismatic (in my case, anyway). </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">The topics that I cover will mostly, as I have said about four times now, revolve around current news stories in video games. I might sometimes rant about a topic that’s annoying me, but generally I will keep to my regular format.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Now that I have gotten that out of the way, welcome to the future of awesome – and don’t forget to mark this day down on your calendars.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">The PSP 2: Why Sony Is On the Right Track<o:p></o:p></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Recently there’s been a shitstorm of rumors that a new PSP is in the works. Now, when most people hear the word “rumors” they also hear a little whisper in the back of their head that says something like: “unreliable” or, if your inner voice is a little slower than most: “OMG SO FAKE”. In this case, however, we have not just a couple of rumors coming from the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet">big-black-stupid-place-filled-with-idiots</a>, but also an assortment of video game publishers that have gotten tired of having jobs and thus feel the intense urge to break company policy – an urge that I have felt many times. So what’s the result? Deliciously <a href="http://kotaku.com/gaming/top/rumor-no-denying-it-psp2-is-coming-242845.php">rumor filled articles like this</a>, apparently.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">For those of you who have an aversion to reading more than one article a day, the article above basically pointed to the release date of the PSP 2 to be around Q4 (around March of next year). The changes we can expect to see, if Sony isn’t comprised of pants-on-head-retards, will be a better form factor, another analog stick for FPS shooters, the removal of the UMD (though the Kotaku article said that they may keep it in), and hopefully a few others.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Normally, I think that releasing new hardware this early in a race is fucking retarded, especially if your competitor is outselling you like mad. Why would you give up what sales you have accumulated and the fan base that you’ve kicked your ass to make? It usually isn’t worth it. But this is by no means a usual case.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Sony has proved over and over again that it isn’t afraid of selling the same system with a few minor changes. And I do mean <a href="http://www.psp-3000.org/"><i style="">minor</i></a>. What were the results? People bought them. <a href="http://www.gamepro.com/article/news/207588/psp-3000-selling-well-despite-screen-issues/">A lot of people in fact</a>. What does that mean? It means that people apparently have lost all concepts of the value of money. Oh yeah, it also means that Sony’s fan base isn’t afraid of spending large amounts of Republic Credits on a system that has a couple more pixels on its six-inch screen. For Sony, this means that selling a brand new system is a win/win situation. The current owners of the original PSP will have no issues with buying a new shinier PSP, and the people who have graduated from the “DS School of Baby-Gamers” will want to buy the newer, sparkling, black, more mature-looking system in droves.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Sony cannot possibly lose. As long as they position themselves as the more adult system they will always have a place in the industry. That is, unless they sell it for 599 US dollars.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.geckoandfly.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/sony_ken_kutaragi_playstation.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 252px; height: 190px;" src="http://www.geckoandfly.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/sony_ken_kutaragi_playstation.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt; text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;"> <span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >A small price to pay for awesome</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Since this is the end of the blog post, I feel that I should leave you with some, presumably/hopefully, fan made PSP 2 designs. Enjoy.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.techdigest.tv/psp2-concept2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 287px; height: 194px;" src="http://www.techdigest.tv/psp2-concept2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://cache.kotaku.com/assets/resources/2008/02/psp22.jpeg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 285px; height: 235px;" src="http://cache.kotaku.com/assets/resources/2008/02/psp22.jpeg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://cache.kotaku.com/assets/resources/2007/01/fake_psp2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 280px; height: 241px;" src="http://cache.kotaku.com/assets/resources/2007/01/fake_psp2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/gizmodo/2008/10/new_psp2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 272px; height: 203px;" src="http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/gizmodo/2008/10/new_psp2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></p><p class="MsoNormal" face="trebuchet ms" style="margin-top: 12pt;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 12pt;"></p>Apollyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13713169980340352456noreply@blogger.com0