Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating for four years. We think we are ready for sex. My love language is physical touch. Do you think sex would help our relationship? We are both willing, just not sure if it is right for us.

Answer: If you will listen to my advice, I can save you a lot of pain, and give you a better foundation for a successful marriage. I know that my advice is not very popular in today’s culture, but it is backed with 10 years of research. Sex before marriage does not enhance a relationship. It often stimulates guilt, and insecurity.

If one of you eventually breaks off the relationship, it will create extreme emotional pain in the other.  I’ve counseled scores of such individuals over the past few years.  If you eventually decide to get married, your chances of a divorce are increased significantly. To get the full scoop, read the book; The Ring Makes All The Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Co-habitation, by Glenn Stanton. It’s worth the read.

The good news is that the first and last of these problems can be corrected without the help of your spouse. If you’re willing to get more intimate with God, and take a fresh look at yourself, you’re on the road to growth.

Seek the help of a mature Christian friend, a pastor, or a Christian counselor. Read Christian books on spiritual growth and self-understanding. Pray that God will show you the changes that need to be made in your thinking and behavior. Ask God to show you how and when to express both tender and tough love.

Answer: We are to forgive others as God forgives us. So, how does God forgive us? The Scriptures say, “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive our sins.” If we don’t confess, the Scriptures indicate that God will discipline us (Hebrews 12). Jesus gave us clear instructions in Luke 17: 3, “If your brother (or wife) sins against you, confront him or her. If they repent forgive them.”

In Matthew 18 Jesus said we should make more than one attempt at confronting them. Eventually, if they don’t repent, we are to treat them as a pagan. How do we treat pagans? We pray for them; we love them; we return good for evil. It is unconditional love that often touches the heart of the offender. You will need God’s help to follow God’s plan, but it is the most powerful thing you can do when someone refuses to apologize.

Answer: The short answer is, “Yes”. The longer answer is that couples who live together before getting married are no better prepared for marriage than those who did not. In fact, their divorce rate is even higher. The topics I deal with in Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married are designed to help all couples whatever their past experience.

I include such topics as: I wish I’d Known that…apologizing is a sign of strength; forgiveness is not a feeling; toilets are not self cleaning; how to solve conflicts without arguing; that romantic love has two stages; and that personality profoundly affects behavior.

Most couples who have lived together before marriage have not learned these realities nor the skills to apply them.

Separation forces us to admit that we have serious problems. When we examine divorce, we realize that divorce doesn’t solve anything. In fact, it creates more problems. The best of our options is to seek reconciliation.

The Christian who makes this choice has all the help of God. God instituted marriage. He knows that marriage is not easy, but He also knows that He wants to use the pains of marriage to build us into more Christ-like people. When this happens, then the potential for a renewed marriage becomes real.  Are you asking God to use your present pain to make you more like Christ? As you grow in your own intimacy with Him, you will have His wisdom in what you should do in relating to your spouse. Your actions cannot control your spouse, but your actions will influence your spouse, for better or for worse.

A: You are identifying one of the major scars of pre-marital sex. Sexual intercourse is not simply the joining of two bodies. It is a deep emotional and spiritual experience. It was designed to bond a man and woman together for a lifetime.  It is very difficult to erase the memories because the two of you ‘bonded’.  Your memories and your wife’s imagination create an emotional barrier.

My suggestions include: confessing your sin to God and your wife. (I think you have already done this.) Then picture the blood of Christ, flowing over your sin and hiding it from your sight. It happened, but it is now covered by His blood. That is the way God sees your past, and that is the way he wants you to see it. The blood of Christ is the most effective medication for healing the memories.

A: Thousands of people can identify with that question. In my book Desperate Marriages, I address the problem. My approach is to see yourself as a positive change agent. The process is two pronged: First, tender love and second tough love. By ‘tender love’ I mean—learn their love language and speak it daily, no matter how they treat you.

Then, six months into this process, you make the request that they seek treatment. Keep loving them. Then, apply tough love. You might say, “I love you too much to sit here and do nothing while you destroy yourself. If you do not go for treatment, then I’m moving in with my mother.” Then move out. Since you have been loving them in a meaningful way for 6 months, they now have something to lose. Typically, they respond. After treatment, you can get marriage counseling and rebuild your marriage.

But my spouse is not willing to change! Okay, then are you willing to change? Are you willing to let someone help you examine your marriage to see what went wrong? You can’t make changes until you know what changes need to be made. Are you willing to admit that you may be just a small part of the problem? And your spouse may not always be the mean evil person they are today. God has changed some pretty rough characters in the past. Your spouse is not beyond the hand of God!

A Story of Preparing for Marriage: Betsy Barnett & Scott Prentice

A: My first suggestion is postpone the marriage. If you are 20 years old and already applying to graduate schools, you must be exceedingly smart. So, use your smarts. Don’t get married until you have both been accepted into graduate schools and have part-time jobs. This will give you a realistic idea of how much time will be left over for your relationship.

You have plenty of time for marriage. Why not finish graduate school before you get married? If, however, you decide to get married while still in school, I can tell you from experience, you will have minimal time for each other. I got married at 23 while in graduate school and we had some very difficult years. Before you get married, talk with at least two couple who got married while in graduate school – they will give you realistic advice.