If you’re looking for a one of a kind way to drop the “L” bomb, then look no further than the I Love You Bean (Miles Kimball, $5.99). You’ve got everything you need in this kit to let the lovely lady in your life know that she makes you feel all warm and gooey inside. All you need to do is add water and sunlight (the recipe also calls for love, but I think you’ve got that one covered) to the sprouting cup full of soil mix and seeds. Then when the bean sprouts, the words you’ve been trying to spit out will magically appear on the beans: I Love You. It’s recommended for kids ages 4 and up, but I think it just might work in your situation as well.

Ok, so maybe I forgot to mention a third requirement for professing your love – cheese. I’m not kidding, the cheesier the better. Sure, the ladies all like to pretend that they aren’t into the cheeseballs, but it’s simply not true. Take any sappy romantic chick flick and you’ll see exactly what I mean. There’s always, without fail, some sort of ridiculous scene in which the knight in shining armor declares his love for the leading lady. It’s never anything easy or laid back. Some examples:

When Harry Met Sally: Guy runs through the streets on New Year’s Eve to get to girl before the new year to spout big long speech about all the reasons why he loves her.

Say Anything: Guy holds up boombox outside girl’s window playing the song they first consummated their love to.

Dirty Dancing: “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”

Love Actually: The entire movie.

4 out of 5 stars.

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Along the lines of “never in a million years did I think I would buy this,” the d°light Ur Heart (Generate Design, $189.00) is a great gift for your snugglebear. Sure, a light up pillow is a little strange, but I’m telling you, she’ll love it. For one, it lights up, which is always a fun thing but even more so when it’s unexpected. This heart-shaped pillow is also covered in a thousand soft roses, so you’re covering your bases with both the unexpected and the traditional Valentine’s Day gift aspects. You can choose from pink or ivory, depending on just how over the top romantic you want to get. Because it runs off AA batteries, she can take it anywhere and everywhere with her. You know, to show off to everyone how luminescent your love is.

*Warning: There is a good chance your girlfriend/wife will look at you and say, “What the hell is this?!” instead of being overjoyed at your thoughtful gift. But that’s a chance you’re going to have to be willing to take. Oh, and ladies – please don’t attempt to give this to your man because there’s no way he wants it. And if he does, RUN.

3 out of 5 stars.

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The His and Hers Keyholders (Convenient Gadgets & Gifts, $18.00) are a perfect gift for someone like me who is unable to keep track of even the simplest of things, like a keychain. Available in both “His” and “Hers” designs, you can purchase them separately (same sex relationship friendly) or in a set (heteros only). The wall plate of your choice comes with a special key that you put on your keychain, which fit perfectly into the wall plate. Thus, all you have to do when you walk in the door is stick your key into the wall plate. Then you’ll always know exactly where your keys are, provided you can manage that first step. It is a tricky one.

This item lost one star based solely on pricing. I have no problem with the artsy price tag of $18, but I do have an issue with their bulk pricing. You can buy these babies as a set, and if you’re of the hetero couple persuasion, why not? I’ll tell you why not, because the set is $39.95. In case you’re a little rusty with math these days, 2 x $18 = $36, not $39.95 – tricky, tricky right there.

4 out of 5 stars.

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With the I’m Nuts About You! (Firebox, $17.95) keychain, you can secretly think about your honey bunny all day long and your friends will never be the wiser. More importantly, they won’t be forced to vomit every time you bring up the cutest thing your sweetie did today. Instead, all you have to do is look down at your keychain, which seems just like an ordinary nuts and bolts keyring, and think about your glorious love. The only way your friends would know the disgustingly adorable nature of said keychain is if they saw the box branded with the “I’m nuts about you!” slogan because the keychain is free of any such lovey dovey indication.

I’m not asking the moon here. I don’t care what kind of nauseatingly sweet activities you participate in within the confines of your own home, but dial it down a notch when you’re out in the world. I mean, I’m sitting right next to you – do you really have to make out with your girlfriend at that exact moment? And for five whole minutes? In case you’re thinking that’s ok, IT’S NOT!

4 out of 5 stars.

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The Heart Egg Molder (Perpetual Kid, $5.99) is a good way to jump into all this Valentine’s Day nonsense without going overboard. While making a heart-shaped omelet or eggs-in-a-basket (as shown) for your sweetie pie is nauseatingly adorable, it’s not the only way to enjoy fun shaped breakfast items. Perhaps you just enjoy a tasty breakfast and you’d like to liven it up a bit. You know, start your day off on a positive note, knowing that your eggs and toast will always be there for you (unlike your shady ex). Or maybe you know someone who’s a big fan of food (aren’t we all?) so they’d totally eggpreciate (!) such a thoughtful gesture. And then, there are those people out there who want to buy this contraption as some sort of salute to a ridiculous “holiday” – that’s cool too, I’m not judging.

Still taking suggestions for that singles only holiday – we need a name, a date, and a way to celebrate. Scratch that, I think I know how the celebration will go.

4 out of 5 stars.

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One of the Valentine’s Day staples is the candy heart. Certainly not the most flavorful or exciting of the bunch, the candy heart has become a mainstay because it’s quirky. It’s the little sayings on each heart that make candy hearts special; you never know what you’re gonna get. The Bittersweets (ThinkGeek, $5.99) by Despair, Inc. take that idea and run with it – kicking and screaming in the opposite direction. Instead of spouting sickeningly sweet sentiments, these candy hearts tell it like it is and speak to the singleton in all of us. You can choose from dejected, dysfunctional, or dumped and each set comes packaged in a collectible tin. There are up to 37 unique sayings inside each collection that cater to the “D” you select.

Single people should get their own holiday. I mean, there are so many holidays that are built around togetherness and everlasting love – what about the rest of us?! I mean, I guess you could technically annex St. Patrick’s Day as a singleton holiday, but I’m talking about a true Singles Day. Write in and tell me your suggestions!

5 out of 5 miserable stars.

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Yes, you might come off as a bit of a hard-ass for putting your liquor under lock and key, but try to explain to your friends that it’s not them you’re worried about, but other people who come over. And when that little gem falls flat, tell them that it’s all their fault. I mean, if they were able to keep their hands off your booze in the first place, then you wouldn’t have to lock it up. Am I right, or am I right?

5 out of 5 stars.

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Whatever the reason, rainy days need something to perk them up, hence the Colour Changing Umbrella (Generate Design, $49.00). Basically your average everyday umbrella, albeit with a few raincloud designs, this telescopic umbrella doesn’t seem like anything special. I mean, it sure doesn’t seem like anything that’s going to cheer you up when the skies get gray. But in actuality, those rainclouds are on the right track to brightening your day. See, when those rainclouds are printed with special ink that changes from white to bright colors. What causes this fantastical change? Water, silly! You essentially need it to rain for the special ink to yield color. That’s one point for the rain clouds.

There is one exception to my hatred of rain and that’s when it happens with sunny skies. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it’s scorching hot outside and you’re wishing it would rain, and then it actually does? It’s pretty awesome.

4 out of 5 stars.

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For those of you out there who thought it was impossible to improve on the standard cookie, the ABC Cookie Cutter (Amazon, $8.31) is sure to prove you wrong. I mean, we all know that cookie cutter instantly improve any cookie’s popularity by 110% and usually the shape in question doesn’t even matter. These cookie cutters make it acceptable for you to make gingerbread cookies year-round instead of saving them for Christmas. See, each cookie cutter has a body part missing, either a head, a leg, or an arm. This gives the illusion of a deformed gingerbread man as well as a half-eaten cookie. Make them to bring to a friend’s house and see how many people shy away from eating them because they assume these cookies are ABC: Already Been Chewed. And just think of the endless decorating possibilities!

My one real quibble with these cookie cutters doesn’t really have anything to do with the cookie cutters themselves. If you check out their product page, you’ll notice that the shipment time is listed as 3 to 6 weeks. I mean, that’s just crazy talk! What if I decided to make these ingenious cookies on a whim? Do you really expect me to wait over a month to receive these cookie cutters? Oh, you do? Well, ok then. I guess I will.

3 out of 5 stars.

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The Prenatal Musical System (ThinkGeek, $99.99) is the most advanced and complete method of delivering auditory sounds to your unborn child. I mean, you must have heard how much knowledge fetuses can retain while in the womb, so it seems like a no-brainer that you should start educating them early. Now, I’m not saying that you’ll play them some Hooked On Phonics and they’ll come out spouting off full sentences, but it’s not like it could hurt, right? Also, what about music? It’s supposed to soothe babies and babies are thought to recall songs they heard while gestating. Using a four speaker surround sound system, this contraption safely delivers sound to your unborn child in an optimally balanced and effective way, no matter where the baby is hanging out your belly. There are built-in side pockets to house the device’s audio controller as well as your personal MP3 player, you can host a hands-free concert while your baby listens to some tunes. The unit is lightweight and elasticized with a streamlined design, providing new mommies comfort and support while accommodating their growing belly.

My only word of caution would be to make your musical selections carefully. I mean, if you play death metal to your stomach for nine months, the results could be a little scary.

4 out of 5 stars.

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