Funny Moment

King's Island

2009-11-03T17:46:00.000-08:00

Funny comments made by sports commentators

2009-05-17T13:18:00.001-07:00

Here are several comments made by sports commentators that we think their authors might like to take back...

Rugby Commentator: "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Motor Racing commentator: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Weathergirl: "So Trevor, where's that eight inches you promised me last night? Oh, hell! Are we still on air?"
Becky Mantin - BBC weathergirl, the day after it was supposed to snow and didn't, to Black newsreader, Trevor McDonald

Astronomy commentator: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and it looks like he's just come in his shorts."
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage

Golf Commentator on caddy Fanny Sunneson: "Some weeks Nick Faldo likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to play with himself."

Running commentator: "Paula has a quick look between her legs and likes what she sees."

Motor Racing commentator: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix

Cycling commentator: "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing us what balls he has!"

Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

At the rowing medal awards ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?!"

God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church

2009-04-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Parishioners at the First Presbyterian Church were left stunned and in awe of His glory Sunday, when the Lord God Almighty dropped by their 11 a.m. service unannounced.
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Our Father, the Almighty God, popped His all-powerful head into First Presbyterian Church Sunday.
Interrupting Pastor Terry Pridgen's sermon on His unending mercy, God appeared suddenly before His flock as an intense beam of white light, instantly dispersing the earthly forms of those seated in the first two pews. Sources said the remaining congregants had to avert their eyes from their Creator, whose booming celestial voice overwhelmed their worldly senses and humbled their hearts as He politely apologized for not calling first.
"I AM the God of Abraham, the LORD MOST HIGH, who brought you forth from the bondage of Egypt," God said unto church members, many of whom cowered in reverent fear of Him. "Thought I'd just pop in and see how things were going. Please, pretend like I'm not even here."

The Supreme Being then thanked the choir for its "lovely introduction" and took a seat to the right of the altar.
According to wholly repentant witnesses, who were scarcely able to look upon the Alpha and Omega, much less conceive of the enormity of His Might, God did not speak again for the entirety of the service, but was seen nodding approvingly during the Nicene Creed.
Attendees reportedly did not ask the One Who Made Them Flesh why He had chosen to visit their small parish, though some suspected the church's new electric organ might have had something to do with it.
"I don't think anyone knew He was coming," said churchgoer Ron Stiehl, adding that, for once, he was happy his wife dragged him to church. "At least it seemed that way when He started walking toward us and everyone was yelling their heads off like it was Judgment Day."
"Turns out the King of Kings was just making the rounds," Stiehl continued. "I thought He'd be taller."
While God did not reveal unto man a reason for His visit—nor did He, in His great wisdom, offer to pay for the six stained-glass windows that shattered from the awesome power of His presence—the Almighty sat among His followers for the last 35 minutes of the Sunday service, as well as the free coffee and pastries that followed.
Sources said that Our Father sat alone eating two cinnamon-sugar doughnuts, and was approached only once, when 5-year-old Jeremy Pacheco tried to hug the omnipotent deity. The boy's parents immediately yanked him away.
The other 112 church members avoided God entirely, and reacted to His continued stay with a mix of astonishment, confusion, fearful reverence, and the sublime inner peace that comes with the knowledge of a power greater than oneself.
"I wanted to ask the Lord what heaven is like, and if my mother is there, but I wasn't sure if it's still considered taking His name in vain when you address Him directly," Wendy Alston said. "And I didn't dare draw attention to myself with two teenagers wearing blue jeans to church. I could barely look at Him, I was so ashamed."
"Oh dear God," said 72-year-old church volunteer Michael Sharpe, completely enraptured by the materialization of the One True Creator before his very eyes. "Oh, dear God in heaven."
Since the Almighty's decision to stop by the First Presbyterian Church, the theological world has been thrown into chaos. Presbyterian leaders said God's appearance was indisputable proof that their denomination is the one true faith, but afternoon sightings of the Lord at two other Fayetteville churches, as well as one synagogue, have cast doubt on that theory.
"God said He just wanted to see what we were up to," Pastor Pridgen said. "This is His house, after all. He can drop in whenever He wants."
"Although, you'd think an all-knowing deity unbound by time and space would be able to give us some warning so we could at least put a bulletin in the church newsletter," the pastor added. "Not that I'm complaining or anything. All praise be to God. Is He still hanging around the parking lot?"

Christ Getting In Shape For Second Coming

2009-04-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

HEAVEN—Emerging from a grueling 90 minutes of cardiovascular exercise and light lifting for tone, Son of God Jesus Christ said Monday that He is "definitely on track" to achieve peak fitness condition for the Second Coming.
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The Son of God spends each morning trying to attain perfect abdominal definition.
"If every eye is going to see Me, and all the tribes of earth are going to wail on account of Me, I think I owe it to them and to Myself to be in the best shape of My life," Christ said. "Right now I'm up to 35 minutes at seven [miles per hour] on the treadmill and benching about 165 [pounds]."
"I'm really starting to feel like I'll have the strength and endurance to move every mountain and island from its place," Christ added.
Since His birthday last Dec. 25, Christ has committed Himself to a demanding daily regimen of exercise and prophecy fulfillment. Each of His workouts, Christ said, starts with an hour of cardio, after which He focuses on two muscle groups, replacing conventional free weights with the Rod of Iron with which He intends to rule all nations.

On Mondays, Christ works His chest and biceps and completes three sets of 10 transfigurations. On Tuesdays, He switches to triceps and abdominals, and passes as many sets of Last Judgments as He can in a minute. Wednesdays are devoted to the back and legs, and Thursdays and Fridays are for core and flexibility.
Even Sabbaths are spent doing yoga, swimming, and basic strength-training isometrics such as push-ups, leg lifts, and chin-ups.
"There can be no day of rest," said Christ, His eyes filled with flaming fire. "Rest is for mortals."
The determined Savior has also forsworn His favorite high-calorie, high-carb foods such as fatted calf, loaves, and even His own body and blood, instead embracing muscle-building high-protein shakes and electrolyte-replacing sports drinks. And when temptation calls, Christ need only look at two pictures taped to His refrigerator: an icon of Himself prior to starting His regimen and a reproduction of Michelangelo's "Last Judgment" fresco torn from a magazine.
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"The thought of being unable to seize the seven-headed serpent and hurl it into the abyss really keeps Me motivated," Christ said.
The Lamb of God said He made the decision to get in shape late last year when, after two millennia of relative inactivity, He realized that at His age there was "no way" He could return to Earth, judge the souls of the innocent and wicked alike, and reign over the Kingdom of God for 1,000 years without prior conditioning.
"The Second Coming isn't just Me sitting on a great white throne and judging away," Christ said. "I also have to make all of the stars fall and shake all the powers in Heaven. That's why I've been working a lot with the medicine ball."
Christ, however, admitted that centuries of heavenly grace had enabled Him to "really let [Himself] go."
"I can't lead the armies of Heaven looking like some flabby slob," said Christ, who declined to disclose His "before" weight. "That guy can't be the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. The faithful want a Messiah they can truly fear, not someone who's afraid to take off His shirt in public."
At first, Christ said He thought such a physical transformation would "take a miracle." During the first couple weeks of His exercise program, He couldn't work out on the treadmill for more than 10 minutes without gasping for breath and aggravating the old spear-point injury in His side. Now that He can deftly complete 20 ab-bench push-ups on the highest incline and almost as many chin-ups, Christ said, He feels more energetic than He has since His early 30s.
And not only has frequent exercise made Christ feel more healthy and confident, it's "cleared [His] head, which will really help [Him] deal with the massive amount of smiting and condemning."
Encouraged by His progress, particularly the increased definition in His pectoral and abdominal muscles, Christ is focusing all of His attention on visualizing the success of His Second Coming.
"Right now, it's all about Aug. 2," the goal-oriented Savior said. "And no matter how I look, there's no going back on this one like I did seven years ago."

Noisy sex recordings played in court

2009-04-18T04:31:00.000-07:00

A WOMAN has been slapped with an Antisocial Behaviour Order after magistrates were forced to sit through tapes of her loud love-making sessions.

Caroline Cartwright, 47, was also fined £515 after being found guilty of breaching a noise abatement notice served on her after 25 complaints to police about her marathon sex romps with husband Steve.

He escaped prosecution because he was less noisy than his more enthusiastic wife.

Their sessions were so loud that one partially-deaf neighbour of the English couple told the court she hadn't had a decent night's sleep in two years, The Sun reports.

Environmental Health placed recording equipment in the flat next door to the couple’s house in Washington, Tyne and Wear in Sunderland.

The Cartwrights’ neighbour, Rachel O’Connor pressed a button on the machine every time she was disturbed by noise from next door.
She said: “I heard sounds of a sexual nature, they were really loud, and there was a lot of moaning and groaning and screaming as if in pain.

“It wasn’t just the woman, it came from both parties.”

Ms O’Connor told the court that when she first moved in around November 2007, the noise started at midnight and lasted until 3am.

Now, she said, the noise started at about 6.30am and lasted until 9am.

Environmental Health officer Pamela Spark, told the court she had heard 23 recordings of the couple having sex.

She said: “There was an excessive screaming female voice on the recordings.

"I felt that the noise was a clear breach of the abatement notice at that level.”

Another neighbour, partially-deaf Margery Ball, said she had not had a decent night’s sleep in two years because of the Cartwrights.

Janet Cunliffe has surgery to look like daughter

2009-04-17T00:49:00.000-07:00

A 50-year-old British woman has spent thousands on plastic surgery - to become the spitting image of her daughter.

The former size 14 redhead has overhauled herself with diet, surgery and blonde hair extensions to bridge the 22-year age gap.

Pictures of Janet Cunliffe and daughter Jane, published in Britain's Daily Mail, show they are now virtually identical - though Jane is taller.

And Janet has told the paper she is now the centre of attention after years feeling "like an old bag".

"It might sound barmy that I had cosmetic surgery to look like my daughter, but she's gorgeous," she said.

"Now instead of mum and daughter we look more like twins."

The newspaper reports that she spent £10,000 (more than $20,000) on surgery including breast enlargement and work on her eyes and nose, carried out in Croatia.

With new hair and a new wardrobe, the change was dramatic.

"The first time we went to a local wine bar, we were the centre of attention," Janet said.

"Men kept doing a double take and all night people asked if we were sisters. We both loved the attention."

Daughter Jane said she was proud of her mum's new look, and said they were now "closer than ever".

"She looks better than Madonna at 50, which is saying something."

Maid 'poisoned' food with menstrual blood

2009-04-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

AN Indonesian maid has appeared in a Hong Kong court accused of adding menstrual blood to her employer's food in an effort to improve their stormy relationship.
Indra Ningsih, aged 26, mixed the blood in a pot of vegetables in the belief that the recipe would help ease her difficult work environment, The Standard newspaper reported.

In some southeast Asian cultures, menstrual blood is thought to have special powers, the paper added.

The maid has been charged with one count of "administering poison or other destructive or noxious substances with intent to injure'' and has not yet entered a plea.

The report cited a prosecution statement that said Ms Ningsih's ingredient had been discovered after her female employer, surnamed Mok, peered through the kitchen door and saw the helper acting suspiciously.

She entered the kitchen and found the accused throwing something into the rubbish bin.

When she checked the pot, she found a suspicious substance mixed with the vegetables and water, the English-language daily said.

Ms Mok later discovered a used sanitary napkin in the bin and called the police.

Ms Ningsih told police Ms Mok had been unhappy with her performance since she was hired last July.

Courage beer advertisement banned by British watchdog

2009-04-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

BRITAIN'S advertising watchdog has banned a poster ad for cheekily suggesting beer could increase a shy young man's confidence with women.

The poster showed a nervous looking man next to a large-bottomed woman in a new figure-hugging dress, with the slogan "Take Courage my friend" - a slogan used by makers of Courage beer in the past.

The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) said it had received three complaints from people saying the ad implied beer could give the man confidence either to make negative comments about the woman, or to take advantage of her.

But brewer Wells and Young's, which makes Courage, said the poster featured a situation many men could relate to, and noted that the slogan echoed previous ad campaigns from the 1950s to the 1980s.

"We are very surprised by the ASA's decision regarding our Courage advertisement," said Wells and Young's marketing director Chris Lewis.

b-rad of Kununurra
"The advert depicts a very common situation which our target demographic would relate to and there is certainly no indication that our 'hero' in the advert would say anything 'negative' to his partner or 'take advantage of her'.

"Our intention through this advertising is to portray humorous everyday occurrences which Courage drinkers can relate to."

The ASA said that, while it understood the humorous intention of the advert, it breached advertising guidelines "by suggesting that the beer could increase confidence".

But Mr Lewis said: "Every man with some life experience has been in the situation where they have been asked the infamous line: 'Does my bum look big in this?' And as every man in Britain knows, the correct response is 'No!'

"It is because this is universally understood that we did not put these words on the poster."

Doctors 'find tree in man's lung'

2009-04-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

SURPRISED surgeons performing a lung cancer operation apparently found a 5cm fir tree growing inside the patient.
The Daily Mail reports doctors thought Russian man Artyom Sidorkin, 28, had a tumour after he complained of extreme pain in his chest and had been coughing up blood.

The x-ray image shows what looks like a large tumour in his lung.

During the operation, surgeon Vladimir Kamashev said he thought he was hallucinating when he saw the fir tree needles inside the tissue.

Medical staff said the 5cm tree is too big to be swallowed and believe Mr Sidorkin had inhaled a seed which later sprouted.

“It was very painful. But to be honest I did not feel any foreign object inside me,” said Mr Sidorkin. “I’m so relieved it’s not cancer.”

'My dog ate my g-string'

2009-04-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

A DOG'S knickers fetish almost cost him his life when he swallowed his owner's g-string over the Easter long weekend. The Northern Territory News reports the elastic on the size 10, lacy black G-string became wrapped around the intestines of Baxter, a two-year-old cavalier King Charles spaniel.

Baxter's owner, who was too embarrassed to be named, said she rushed her tiny pooch to the University Avenue Veterinary Hospital in Palmerston at 9pm on Saturday after she became concerned when the ''usual pig when it comes to food'' was refusing to eat and started vomiting.

Her fears were recognised when an X-ray revealed something was obstructing the 9.7kg spaniel's bowel and vets said if he wasn't operated on immediately he would be lucky to survive the night.

But the $2200 life-saving operation turned to hysterics in the surgery when vets found a piece of underwear was to blame for Baxter's misfortune. The dog's owner said she couldn't believe it when the vet rang her at 3am on Sunday following the surgery to say they'd found women's undies.

'When she rang back and said that it was a ladies black g-string I couldn't believe it,'' she said.

''He had 20cm of elastic all through his intestines, they had to untangle it all.

''Now we know he is okay we can have a laugh about it but he is very lucky.''

She said it was not the first time the spaniel had ran off with her underwear.

''The dog's a real guts and will eat anything,'' she said.

''He's taken off with undies before but we'd learnt not to leave them around.''

Man caught in high-speed sex with woman on lap

2009-04-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

A NORWEGIAN man faces a heavy fine and a driving ban after police caught him having sex with his girlfriend while speeding on the motorway, police said today.

The unnamed couple, a 28-year-old man and a 22-year-old woman, were caught in the act late on Easter Sunday by traffic police on the E18 highway, some 40km west of Oslo.

Officers who clocked the couple's silver Mazda 323 racing at 133km/h in a 100 zone realised they were doing more than just breaking the speed limit, police said.

“It was veering from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man's lap while he was driving and doing the act, shall we say,” said Tor Stein Hagen, a superintendent with Soendre Buskerund district police.

“He couldn't see much because her back was in the way. Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know.”

After following the couple for nearly a kilometre, officers pulled the car over at a service station.

Tango “We have taken away his driving licence because of the danger that he caused,” Supt Hagen said.

Prosecutors will decide within the next week what his punishment will be, with police having filmed the incident to use as evidence against the driver.

Supt Hagen said he expected the man to face a fine of “several thousand Norwegian crowns” and a lengthy driving ban.

Bizarre holiday complaints made by British tourists

2009-04-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

THE strangest holiday complaints ever made by British tourists have been revealed, with hilarious results. Thomas Cook and the Association of British Travel Agents compiled a list of the bizarre complaints, including one where a holidaymaker said he felt inadequate after seeing an aroused elephant, which in turn ruined his honeymoon.

It seems many British travellers aren’t used to beaches, with a tourist complaining that “the beach was too sandy” and another upset when they discovered fish swimming in the sea.

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled," the tourist said.

It seems some travellers also have a lot to learn about nature.

"I was bitten by a mosquito – no-one said they could bite," a holidaymaker complained.

In another complaint a British guest at a Novotel hotel in Australia said his soup was too thick and strong, not realising he had been supping from the gravy boat.

Voodoo of The Swamp In an even stranger twist, one traveller blamed a hotel for her pregnancy.

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant,” the guest said.

“This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Other complaints included “there are too many Spanish people in Spain” and “too much curry served in restaurants in India”.

Man taunted young girl with rape near home in Ourimbah

2009-04-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

A MAN taunted his nine-year-old victim, threatening to rape her, as she cowered in bushes during a terrifying, violent abduction attempt.

The man - encouraged by an accomplice - grabbed the girl as she made a break for safety.

The girl's parents yesterday described the horror of almost losing their child to a "psychopath" in the broad daylight attack on the New South Wales Central Coast on Easter Sunday.

"Nothing like this has happened here before. It's your worst nightmare," her father said.

The small girl - who bravely agreed to talk to The Daily Telegraph as long as her identity remained concealed - was traumatised.

She was very upset and stood behind her father clutching his leg as he spoke.

Detectives interviewed the little girl yesterday for the second time.

Inspector Tim Winmill, who described the incident as "extremely serious", said she retold her ordeal exactly as she had the day before.

Police are expected to release an artist's impression of the attackers today based on her detailed description.

About 3.20pm on Sunday the girl rode to the end of her street in quiet Ourimbah, as she had done countless times before.

As she turned around to ride home a black van pulled up, cutting her off. One of two men inside said "get in, get in".

The girl said "I just want to go home" and was trying to get around the van when he jumped out. She fled on her bike into a nearby park and hid under a bush as the man hunted her. "Come out, come out wherever you are. I like raping little girls," he taunted.

"I've raped 15 girls and you're going to be number 16. You're never going to see your family again."

The girl told police he was wearing a fake beard or similar disguise.

Scared senseless, the girl waited until she thought he had left before jumping on her bike and escaping down a lane behind the park. But her attackers - driving what is believed to be a Toyota Hiace - saw her as she fled for home.

"The van pulled up and the same guy jumped out," her father said.

"He's grabbed her by the arm and leg and tried to drag her off the bike. He's said 'you're never going to go home again'."

The terrified girl thrashed about screaming until the man slapped his hand violently across her face to cover her mouth, leaving her with a bloodied nose. Her father said she lashed out with her leg and kicked her attacker, which gave her enough time to pedal away.

"She said she was going to ride up the street and I said don't go too far ahead. About 25 minutes later she comes flying home in hysterics with a bleeding nose.

"She told me (what happened) and I said 'are you sure?' Imagine it was your child . . . I was scared sh. .less.

"She's scared they're going to come back."

The girl was taken to Gosford Hospital where she was treated for the blow to her nose, bruising and a bad scratch.

Police have taken her clothes and bike for forensic examination. Insp Winmill said the van had NSW number plates similar to VRW41R.

Anyone with information should contact Crime Stoppers on 1800 333 000.

Fists fly when the political arena turns nasty

2009-04-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

CONTROVERSIAL Queenslander Pauline Hanson has kicked off her latest political campaign with a tirade against a Channel 7 journalist who quizzed her about her motivation for standing in the state seat of Beaudesert. But she’s not the first pollie to resort to screaming in the rough and tumble of politics. And her explosion pales next to the punches, chair throwing and bitch-slapping of some political forums.
These videos show just how violent politics can get.

Minister David Rath v Dr Miroslav Macek - Czech Republic

Fighting a personal battle, Dr Miroslav Macek slaps former Minister of Health Care David Rath during a dentist’s conference in May 2006.

The brawl ensued after a Mr Rath questioned Dr Macek’s ethics and accused him of marrying for money.

"I have known him from the time when he went to every party with a different girl. Suddenly, he married for millions," Mr Rath said.

On his website, Dr Macek said he would “handle it just like men do".

Nads of Sydney Parliament slap – Taiwan

Taiwanese politicians are notorious for picking fights with opposition members – and some end in all-out parliamentary brawls.

In this case, a slap started a full-on cat-fight.

According to the commentator: “Punches are thrown, hats are ripped off and hair is pulled."

Joe Redner v Tony Katz - United States

This televised political debate soon descends to schoolyard name-calling.

Joe Redner, left, resorts to making fun of Tony Katz’s physical appearance at the conclusion of the debate.

“Am I a liar? Are you fat?” Mr Redner asked.

"Tell me what I have lied about and you can get up and show them that you are fat."

Tip: Watch until the end.

Judo Master – Korea

The average political fisticuffs amount to wild flailing. But this member of Koren parliament whips out his martial arts skills.

After flipping one, the judo master attempts twice to trip another representative that was trying to keep him calm.

The Prescott Punch – United Kingdom

Sometimes politicians come off second best when resorting to blows.

After being egged, the UK’s former deputy Prime Minister John Prescott launches at the offending protestor with a punch square on the jaw.

No more fishing, says man speared in head

2009-04-13T12:44:00.001-07:00

A BRAZILIAN man says he is done with underwater fishing after an accident left him with a spear embedded 15cm into his skull.

Doctors removed the spear from Emerson de Oliveira Abreu's brain and said he would have died had it entered his skull at a different angle, The Associated Press reports.

Mr Aberu is now in a stable condition and said he would "never more" fish with spears.

Mr Abreu told Globo TV he felt "a sharp pain" after the spear hit a rock and bounced back into his head just above his left eye.

He described the pain he felt every time he touched the spear or when the ambulance hit bumps in the road as unbearable.

He is expected to be released from hospital in about a week and said he was looking forward to hugging his family.

Rescue helicopter sent to rescue laughing man

2009-04-13T12:43:00.001-07:00

YOU can't even escape into the wilderness these days to enjoy yourself without someone coming to spoil your fun.
Take one German chap who thought he'd enjoy a day out in a forest in the town of Elmstein in the western state of Rhineland-Palatinate.

He reportedly parked up and started reading a book which made him laugh uncontrollably - for three hours.

It was only a matter of time before a rescue helicopter was dispatched to rescue the man whose laughter was mistaken for screams, German police told Deutsche Press-Agentur.

The police did not say what had made the man laugh so much.

UK schools hire bouncers and ex-soldiers to control kids

2009-04-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

NIGHTCLUB bouncers and former soldiers are being hired by schools in Britain to help control unruly students.

A teachers conference has heard that "stern and loud" bouncers were being hired as teaching assistants to help when permanent staff were off sick.

One London head teacher, Andrew Baisley, told the annual National Union of Teachers conference in Cardiff, Wales, that his school hired two bouncers from an employment agency to cover for two absent teachers.

They were paid about £20,000 ($41,350) a year, but one of the bouncers quit after a dispute with other teachers.

"It is about crowd control and child minding," Mr Baisley told Britain's Daily Telegraph.

"If you are stern and loud, that's what's necessary to do the job."

The conference also heard how a Birmingham employment agency had advertised for "an ex-marine, prison officer, bouncer, policeman, fireman, sportsman (or) actor" to "control the kids in schools throughout the Midlands".

Two daredevils eat 'killer' chillies and survive

2009-04-13T12:39:00.000-07:00

IT'S the hottest chilli in the world with the potential to kill. But that hasn't stopped two New South Wales Central Coast daredevils from taking on the potent naga jolokia chilli in a test of resistance to its burning qualities.

The naga jolokia is rated at more than one million Scoville units, a scale used to measure the potency of chillies. No other chilli comes close. It is dangerous for people with heart or breathing problems.

Originally from northwestern India, this extreme pepper is now being cultivated in a custom-made hothouse at the Chilli Factory, Morisset.

The Central Coast Express Advocate reports Ryan Duke and Alex Fanning of Gosford took on the beast this week - and won't do it again.

It left them gagging, grunting and groaning and with tears pouring down their faces. "I don't want my dad to see this," Ryan said as he pulled his singlet over his face to hide his tears.

Alex went pale and called for milk, yoghurt and anthing else available to stop the burning.

Chilli factory director Marcel de Wit will take the chillies - and a newly-created paste made from their pulp - to the Sydney Royal Easter Show this week.

He said the burn of the jolokia could only be described as "severe".

"It's wicked. It's really, really bad," Mr de Wit said.

"It's not just hot, it's too hot for 99.9 per cent of the population."

So hot that Mr de Wit has warned against those with heart problems or asthma from eating it. The Chilli Factory is inviting people visiting the Easter show to taste the new product - under supervision - at its stall in the Woolworths Food Hall in The Dome.

Swedish researchers to build flat-pack house on the moon

2009-04-13T12:36:00.001-07:00

WHO needs the International Space Station? Swedish researchers are readying a robot to build a flat-pack house on the moon.

They say the small cottage will stand as a symbol of what humankind can achieve, the Advertiser reports.

The project is a collaboration between Sweden's Malardalen University and artist Mikael Genberg, who reportedly has approached the country's flat-pack furniture giant Ikea for sponsorship.

"If you aim for the stars, at least you'll reach the treetops, or even the moon," said Malardalen professor Lars Asplund.

The cottage is to be erected on the moon's surface by 2012 by a small robot known as "Roony", developed by Malardalen.

Link

Project Roony - http://www.projectroony.com/

Mondrian Hotel has cars for sale in world's biggest vending machine

2009-04-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

DON'T you hate it when you get to a hotel and realise you've forgotten your toothbrush, shampoo, designer dress or muscle car? The Associated Press reports the Mondrian Hotel in South Beach, Miami, has installed a vending machine in the lobby for hotel guests who've forgotten something.

Customers can purchase items priced from $10 to $1.2 million, including a Jean Paul Gaultier dress, a 1965 Corvette, a 2000 Bentley Azure convertible or a penthouse condo.

Although the machine is large, it doesn’t actually contain the larger items. For those you have to see the front desk after paying a non-refundable $1500 deposit.

Front desk manager James A. Bryant III said the “in your face gift shop” matches the “really sort of brash and out there” nature of the hotel.

The item description for a $90,000 luxury car reads: “When admirers ask where you bought your 2003 Bentley Arnage T, we dare you to say you bought it from a vending machine”.

Man arrested for throwing money

2009-04-13T12:30:00.000-07:00

TAIWAN police have arrested a 55-year-old man for lobbing bank notes worth about T$1 million ($41,000) from vehicles, causing disorder in the streets.

The man tossed the bills from a taxi in a crowded part of Taichung city yesetrday as people stopped to pick up the cash, Changhua police official Lin Shih-ming said.

"He might have had a nervous condition, as his state of mind wasn't normal," Mr Lin said.

He is believed to have thrown heaps more money on an earlier road trip starting in the capital Taipei.

The man also burned about T$400,000 ($16,500) and had two more sacks of cash, apparently the proceeds of a property sale, Mr Lin said.

Some of the passers-by who picked up the bills turned the money over to police, while others pocketed it, he said.

The taxi driver turned the man in to police in Changhua county, just south of Taichung.

The suspect would be charged with public endangerment and destruction of currency, Mr Lin said.

Blowjob Etiquette

2009-04-12T12:46:00.000-07:00

Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

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A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Beer VS Pussy

2009-04-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a Breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

BEER WARNING LABELS

2009-04-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have
accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be
placed immediately on all beer containers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
asshole.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you
can't remember).

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named
FRANZ.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH YOU.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes )large gaps of time may seem
to literally disappear.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Bee in her pussy

2009-04-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a
sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted
her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my
God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the
situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have
a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very
concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee
out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub
some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina.
When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw
it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes,
whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of
his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.
After few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has
noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor
went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young
lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She
began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked
like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's
breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now
wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown
the bastard!"