tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81747659901916219222026-05-29T19:53:11.886-06:00Funny & Interesting Email ForwardsFunny e-mail forwards, jokes, silly stuff and more. Visit often for the latest funny e-mails!Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.comBlogger291125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-8898272409969347422015-04-29T18:28:00.002-06:002015-04-29T18:28:31.746-06:00Disorder in the CourtHow do court stenographers keep a straight face?
These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-32003353045998947732015-04-16T16:02:00.003-06:002015-04-16T16:03:00.592-06:00Grizzly bear vs toyota
Last Monday morning he came out to find the inside of his 18 month old Toyota Sequoia trashed. A grizzly bear had somehow got a door open (easy considering the way the handles are) and once inside got trapped when the door shut behind him. Probably the wind. The Toyota was a platinum edition, all the door panels were ripped off, the headliner torn to pieces, all headrests, the leather seats, theNifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-1583491970515198732015-04-16T07:18:00.000-06:002015-04-16T16:03:14.969-06:00Another senior moment...Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream "prejudice' these days ...
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage???"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish???"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian???
Or if I had asked Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-41001817276387008672014-11-24T13:22:00.002-07:002014-11-24T13:22:16.068-07:00Cooking EggsNifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-18800390231479685022014-11-06T09:53:00.002-07:002014-11-06T09:53:35.662-07:00The Second ComingThe Pope had called together a meeting of the cardinals and said, "I have some good news for you and some bad news. The good news is this. Our blessed Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, has returned to earth for the long-awaited Second Coming, and the Day of Judgment is at hand."
There was an exalted silence for a few moments and then one cardinal said, "But Holy Father, with good news like that, Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-3909527239033258762014-11-05T16:03:00.000-07:002014-11-05T16:03:00.019-07:00Holding a RopeEleven people were hanging on a rope
Under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all
So they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
Until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
Because, as a woman,
She was used to giving Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-52505523743963355542014-11-04T12:42:00.000-07:002014-11-04T12:42:01.986-07:00What a Man NeedsRule 1) A man needs a women who he can trust unconditionally.
Rule 2) The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. A man needs a women who cooks for him once in a while.
Rule 3) A man needs a women to balance him out when he makes poor decisions.
Rule 4) A man needs a women that enjoys being with him and makes love to him often.
Rule 5) These 4 women must never, ever, ever find Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-47152691823217180662012-11-14T17:19:00.001-07:002012-11-14T17:19:57.655-07:00Deer HuntingGetting ready for deer season I did all my prep-work early. I scouted the area all summer.
I searched out the best location for my tree-stand. I set it all up a month ahead of time.
I trailed the herd, and I picked out a trophy buck.
Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt. Everything was in place.
Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am, I put on my camo, loaded my Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-20763625445603678232012-11-14T16:46:00.000-07:002012-11-14T16:46:17.704-07:00Three Men and a RiverThree men were hiking through a forest
When they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof!!!
God gave him big arms and strong legs.
And he was able to swim across in just two hours, though he almost drowned twice!
After seeing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-4812192227136788142012-11-14T16:07:00.000-07:002012-11-14T16:07:12.755-07:00An Obituary for Common Sense
An Obituary for Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why theNifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-25412117681580952122012-03-30T06:06:00.000-06:002012-03-30T06:06:31.985-06:00Difficult ReadIf you can read this you have a strong mind:
7H15 M3554G353RV35 7O PR0V3H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4ND0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG17 WA5 H4RD BU7N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3Y0UR M1ND 1SR34D1NG 174U70M471C4LLYW17H 0U7 3V3N7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,B3 PROUD! 0NLYC3R741N P30PL3 C4NR3AD 7H15.PL3453 F0RW4RD 1FU C4N R34D 7H15Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-68546353340387212832012-02-21T09:49:00.001-07:002012-02-21T09:50:52.537-07:00Life is a GiftThere was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see
everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, “now that you can see the world, will youNifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-83673759547836348062012-01-05T10:46:00.000-07:002012-01-05T10:46:00.381-07:00Sherlock HolmesSherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-50504027224631498822012-01-04T10:45:00.001-07:002012-01-04T10:45:11.248-07:00Two Hunter'sTwo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-57633295964176733002011-12-27T08:51:00.000-07:002011-12-27T08:51:00.204-07:00A Blond and Her Rolls RoyceA blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blond hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bankNifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-56161191401681400152011-12-26T08:46:00.004-07:002011-12-26T08:46:00.285-07:00Racial Truths10 Truths Black And Hispanic People Know, But White People Won’t Admit:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not White.
3. Rap music is here to stay
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year child is too big for a stroller.
8. N’ SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5
9. An occasional butt-whooping helps a childNifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-89422236879124077462011-12-23T10:45:00.000-07:002011-12-23T10:45:00.663-07:00Dear DadLetter home from school...
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
A week later..... a letter from "home"
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-25158093387963331392011-12-22T08:44:00.002-07:002011-12-22T08:44:23.700-07:00Smart Words1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage sheNifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-410364010972694042011-12-21T09:10:00.002-07:002011-12-21T09:10:55.416-07:00Holiday Eating TipsHoliday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare… You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-25702214405591792582011-12-15T10:57:00.001-07:002011-12-15T10:59:04.167-07:00Don't Mess With Italian MothersMrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-28150664258738649212011-11-22T12:10:00.002-07:002011-11-22T12:10:43.204-07:0012 Things My Mom Taught Me1 – APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside; I’ve only just finished cleaning.”
2 – TIME TRAVEL: “If you don’t behave, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
3 – LOGIC: “Because I said so, that’s why!”
4 – FORESIGHT: “Make sure you’ve got clean underwear on in case you’re in an accident.”
5 – OSMOSIS: “Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.”
6 –Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-79738338712214398172011-11-01T10:06:00.000-06:002011-11-01T10:06:30.716-06:00The VeterinarianOne Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of
a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened
again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw
an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This
went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-12953304393967445552011-10-19T17:42:00.001-06:002011-10-19T17:42:35.202-06:00The Difference Between Heaven and HellHeaven is a place where the police are English; the chefs are Italian;
the car mechanics are German; the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is a place where the police are German; the chefs are English
the car mechanics are French the lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-21871743975119156662011-10-14T13:13:00.000-06:002011-10-14T13:13:28.284-06:00How Flight Announcements Should Be“To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8174765990191621922.post-70244519234145334882011-09-16T09:44:00.000-06:002011-09-16T09:44:33.264-06:00A Letter From HomeDear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive. I’m writing this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast. We are all doing very well.
You won’t recognize the house when you get home – we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that Nifty Nickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09004824192938994800noreply@blogger.com0