Funktards

YUKON

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 17:50:00 +0000

Probably Not, Then

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 19:30:00 +0000

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Commodus: PWNED

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 15:42:00 +0000

see more Comixed

Pawn Stars: They Know People

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 15:51:00 +0000

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She's Famous for Her Beef Pies

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 18:43:00 +0000

South Africa Travel Tip Number One:

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 17:50:00 +0000

Do not run from the police.

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The Steps of Knowledge? Why'd it have to be the Steps of Knowledge?

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 03:33:00 +0000

They'll Have to Add "No Homo" at the Bottom

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 16:11:00 +0000

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No One Ever Said Traci Lords Was a Poet

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 04:03:00 +0000

Word of the Day: Bespectacled

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 03:20:00 +0000

be-spec-ta-cled [bih-spek-tuh-kuhld]
- adjective
wearing eyeglasses.
Usage: Suddenly, I have a *thing* for bespectacled hotties.

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'Bout Them Yellow Jackets?

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 03:28:00 +0000

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Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Matrix

noreply@blogger.com (Dalton J. Fox) — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 06:03:00 +0000

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Bitches Ain't Shit: Glee-Style

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 01:46:00 +0000

Somewhere, Dr. Dre is probably all like, "Damn. That shit is tight, yo. Pass me that bud, (n-word) ."

Meanwhile, in the Kitchen

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 05:30:00 +0000

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Inglorious Wookies (Who Also Happen to Ride Giant Squirrels)

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 04:13:00 +0000

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Spiders, Drugs and the Poppin' of Caps

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 14:54:00 +0000

A Funktards Salute to Man-E-Faces

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 18:04:00 +0000

About an hour before I left for my visit with Great Uncle Arthur this week, the phone rang.

It was Great Uncle Arthur.

"Duke," he said, "I need some new ones. And listen, if there's a piece of surgical tubing tied to my doorknob when you get here, I'm busy saying 'see you later' to the old ones."

That was all he had to say.

For the uninitiated, Great Uncle Arthur is a dirty old dude. When he said "ones," he was talking about Playboy magazines. Before he moved into the home, he'd asked me to keep a box of old copies for him at my place. He couldn't safely stash the entire collection in his room, so he decided he would trade them out every few weeks. He calls me his "nekkid book librarian." All of the magazines are from the late 60s. I guess he's got a thing for big nipples and even bigger whisker-biscuits.

I go to the back closet, open the door, push back a few old Starter jackets and a dark-green corduroy blazer (I don't know what the fuck I was thinking when I bought that shit), and reach for the box of magazines. The whole process is second nature. I'm thumbing through the rotation and, out of nowhere, an icon of 80s badassery falls from the shelf above.

That's right. On the floor in front of me was Man-E-Faces, the baddest three-faced cyborg in all of Eternia. A line separated the gray of his Imperial scout trooper'ish face and the bright green of his scary-bitch-from-the-Exorcist face.

I tried to straighten out his facial issues, but the badass knob on top of his head refused to budge.

It was then I remembered ... (cue 'Wayne's World' dream sequence sound effect)

Sometime during the summer of 1983, the portion of Eternia that encompassed my parents' back deck was fraught with danger. There were no heroes. There were no villains. The Sorceress of Grayskull didn't have a clue as to who could be trusted. Yes, my young and brilliant (or maybe just paranoid) mind added a conspiracy twist to the Masters of the Universe.

And so it happened that the greatest damn battle in the history of action figure-dom went down.

Man-E-Faces, dealing with the personal struggle of multiple personalities, had decided to take his face for one final spin and to stop at robot. Never again would he show his man-face, nor would he sport that creepy-assed Exorcist mug. Hell, he was already half-robot, why not go all in? (And, yes, the cartoon Man-E-Faces used the extra faces as a disguise, but who the fuck are we kidding here? His body never changed and, even at age six, I knew that was a pretty shitty mode of going incognito).

Robot-E-Man was born.

His plan to overcome the battle between his personalities actually turned more tragic, as his robotic logic became consumed with upgrades. After doing all he could with scrap materials, he set his eyes on a new goal: Fisto's mighty silver fist.

Long story short, that shit didn't happen. For a guy who wears a purple codpiece, Fisto is certifiably badass.

Fisto pummeled Robot-E-Man and easily knocked him out. Then, calling upon the strength of his shiny knob-shiner, Fisto lifted a cinder block above his head and brought it down corner-first on Robot-E-Man's dome.

"You tried, Robot-E-Man," I thought to myself as I thumbed through the pictures of naked ladies now in their early 70s. "I should have had you travel to the Dagobah system and meet with Darth Yoda."

I grabbed three "nekkid books" and tossed the old action figure aside.

(cue 'The Wonder Years styled voice over')

It's funny how old things like that can take you back ... and make you genuinely fucking regret the fact that you didn't merge two fictional universes.

Here's to you, Man-E-Faces. Fisto may have won the battle, but at least your name didn't eventually become semi-synonymous with cramming one's hand up another person's orifices.

Photo by patobot

Eva Mendes Sex Tape -- There is a God!

noreply@blogger.com (Dalton J. Fox) — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 21:40:00 +0000

Eva Mendes Sex Tape from Eva Mendes

Damn it. That's not exactly what I was hoping for.

Educate Your Children About Cthulhu Today

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 20:58:00 +0000

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The Opposite of Gnarly, Actually

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 04:03:00 +0000

In Remembrance of Dennis Hopper

noreply@blogger.com (Dalton J. Fox) — Sat, 29 May 2010 23:11:00 +0000

"Bad things, man. I mean BAD things!" -- Dennis Hopper as Stanley "The Crazed Ref"

Actor Dennis Hopper passed away earlier today after a battle with cancer. His celebrated career brought us many great films, such as Easy Rider, Hoosiers, and Speed, just to name a few.

My favorite Dennis Hopper work, however, has to be his series of Nike commercials in the mid-90s. For my money, those are the best sports-related commercials of all time. Hands down. See for yourself:

An entire gallery of these commercials can be found at Tailgating Ideas.

Dennis Hopper will truly be missed.

Whipped Cream: It Ain't Just for the Kitchen

noreply@blogger.com (Duke Van Damme) — Sat, 29 May 2010 03:35:00 +0000

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In Remembrance of Gary Coleman

noreply@blogger.com (Dalton J. Fox) — Fri, 28 May 2010 21:37:00 +0000

Due to the untimely passing of Gary Coleman earlier today, the Funktards would like to pay our respects with a repost from May of last year. This still stands as one of the most random (and iconic) things I've ever seen.

R.I.P. Gary Coleman

You Got Talent, Kid

noreply@blogger.com (Dalton J. Fox) — Thu, 13 May 2010 05:53:00 +0000

Never, in a million years, did I think that a Lady Gaga-related post would appear on Funktards. Not only that, but 12-year-old kids performing in talent shows usually ain't our cup of tea either.

But, this performance of Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" by 12-year-old Greyson Michael Chance is just too damn awesome ... and it puts that overrated annoyance Lady Gaga to shame.

Most importantly, I'd imagine this little dude will have his female classmates lining up to make out with him in the corner of the skating rink for months to come. Kids still do that these days, don't they?

Note the "Holy Shit" expression on the blonde chick in the audience during the entire performance. Touche, blonde chick.

They Called Him 'Machete'

noreply@blogger.com (Dalton J. Fox) — Thu, 06 May 2010 07:39:00 +0000

It's not every day that a fake movie trailer becomes an actual full-length film. Luckily, though, this is one of those days when it does.

Badassery.