Fresh Confessions of a Screwed Up Texan

The Bathrooms Made My Day

2009-11-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

Fair Warning: If you despise NASCAR or anything race related, then stay away from this blog for the rest of the week...well unless you want to laugh at my crazy shenanigans.

Fair Disclosure: I knew nothing about NASCAR before this weekend. I still really know nothing about NASCAR. Somehow though I am a new fan. I'm blaming it on my VIP pass from Chevy. Oh, and as I write this my eyes are bloodshot and I smell like exhaust fumes. And I have an annoying ringing in my ears because I was a dork and didn't wear earplugs.

Yesterday was the Dickies 500 at Texas Motor Speedway in North Texas--just a few short miles from my home. I've passed this Monstrous-City many times, but have never actually been there. In fact, avoiding that area like the plague on racing weekend was the only time I really thought of Texas Motor Speedway. Then Chevy offered me tickets in exchange for blogging and tweeting about my experience and I was all What.The.Heck.Might.As.Well.

So my friends, Andie and LaShawn, and I met up at the Grande Dame Walmart at 8 in the morning to travel together to the weekend city known as Texas Motor Speedway. Walmart/NASCAR--the two inherently go together. Dude, people camp out here. I mean pitch tents, pull in RVs, sleep in their cars camping out. The experience of seeing acres of tents, RVs, temporary grocery stores, et cetera was surreal. It's like real camping out in the woods, but no trees. Let's call it Camping with Cars or Camping on Concrete.

Our first stop: Chevy Village of Champions where we got the experience of meeting real life racing champions like Clint Bowyer:

Jimmie Johnson:

and Ryan Newman (who also happens to share the same birthday with my friend Andie--year and all.)

PS: Ryan, if there is any way you can tell us what time you were born, we'd like to know so we can see who is older--you or Andie. We tried to ask you, but your screener would not let us. KThnxBye.

PPS: I also think it is really cool that you stared right into my camera. Apologies if I fainted a little.

PPPS: Sorry if we left so abruptly in the middle of your interview, once your screener told us we couldn't ask you at what time you were born, we left and engorged ourselves on free gourmet fried chicken. What made it so gourmet I haven't the slightest, but I did grab me a plate of cookies cause man if you didn't have any they were so moist and chewy and chocolaty. That and I wasn't paying a butt-load of money at the concessions during the race.

We watched some wild motocross flips at Texas Motor Speedway while waiting for our Pit Tour to begin. I can't imagine flipping in the air on one of these things. My husband, I think, would have a blast doing craziness like that, but I will just have to sit back in awe and admiration for those in this world that have more guts than turtle crossing a highway.

The Best Part of the VIP Experience were by far the restrooms. I.Kid.You.Not. Where everybody else had to use standard port-o-potties, this is what we got to use:

Which looked like this on the inside:

Oh my word the bathrooms totally made my day!

Stay Tuned for the Pit Tour...

Milk Money

2009-11-05T06:26:00.000-08:00

I needed some milk today, so I did like any other reasonable person would do and went to the store to git me some. Now I don't know about you, but this woman here has this major problem with shopping at the dear ole Wally World--every time I enter that store to buy one thing, I always end up purchasing the rest of the store. This is the very reason I have limited myself recently to only venturing out to the Grande Dame of Walmarts once per week.

So there I was moseying around the grapes and apples when I swear to the Walmart gods that at least thirty Japanese tourists in fancy black suits stormed the produce section. I felt weird alone with my child and my shopping buggie surrounded by tourists in black suits. This must be how Japanese feel when Americans visit Japan, I thought--meek, humble, like dude quit staring at me. So, I grabbed my Nikon out of my purse and began taking covert shots of the tourists.

Being bombarded by those Japanese tourists totally made me lose track of why I went shopping in the first place and made me disregard my sanity for a few moments while I pondered the magnificent reason why a tour bus would even visit the Highland Village Walmart. Geesh...is Wally World that popular? Who'd thunk it.

So my child and I made our way towards the Halloween Discount Aisle and tried of face masks.

More face masks...

Then I bought this Fro, well because we all know it totally completes my look:

(To be honest with you, I think this Fro suits me well. Next time I get my hair done, I'm gettin' a spiral perm like that one I got in college.)

Then I decided it was time to hit the Lawn and Garden Center because I have a two foot avocado tree growing in my garden that needs to come indoors before it gets too cold outside. I found my $5 clearance pot, and I found this:

Christmas. When Faith Hill sang Where Are You Christmas she forgot to venture inside Walmart two months before hand.

So, since I was already making an awesome fool of myself snapping photos of my boy on the Halloween aisle, I ventured over to the kitchenwares section and took some photos of my favorite pot and pan set, because well you know (I know) I'll never be able to afford them so I might as well shoot some photos of them anyhoo. Miss Paula Dean, just so you know, I love the turquoise color the best!

Perhaps I should focus on getting me a fully functioning stove first.

Then, as I made my way back over to the groceries, to get the milk, I saw the shiny black baby grand piano. That is not a sight you see every day at Walmart. No sir-ree. I told y'all the Highland Village Walmart is the Grande Dame of Walmarts. Mark my words: Next time I go to this Walmart I am playing a tune on that piano even if I get kicked out.

It will be so worth it.

Called to Rosa's Cafe

2009-11-04T08:18:00.000-08:00

Breakfast--it's the most important meal of the day.

That is why I made funnel cakes for breakfast before I sent my kiddos off to school (Can you believe it? It is a miracle that I actually rolled out of bed early enough to have the time to make my children such a nutritious breakfast. Ummm come to think of it I believe they had a bag of Halloween chocolate the previous morning before school).

I am the best mom ever!

Of course the rest of our meals were vitamin-packed if I must say so myself. Definitely tasty. For lunch, my youngest and I rolled on in to Rosa's Cafe for the best Tex-Mex around. Freshly made tortillas, grilled beef, several varieties of salsa...Rosa's has to be one of my favorite Tex-Mex restaurants.

Eating at Rosa's this time however was not my idea. My youngest and I went to eat with a few gals from church to chat, socialize, fellowship, and have a good time. I must say I loved it when one of the older gals asked a couple employees to stand up on the dinner table and turn off the fan above us. I was majorly disappointed when I didn't get my camera out in time to snap a photo of that courageous feat.

Nothing beats hanging out with friends over good food. This friend apparently likes a little salsa with her taco salad. Just a little.

(See that lady behind her? That's one of Flower Mound's Marshals. My youngest once ran out in front of her police car when she was trying to pick up some dude in my neighborhood who had a warrant out on him. My youngest, of course, had to keep pointing at her when she'd get up to refill her drink. She was probably thinking, "There's that darned lady and her kid again. Good grief.")

Guess who else showed up at Rosa's?

You guessed it (I knew it would easy)...the LDS missionaries. And not just these two.

Try all these. Don't forget to count the ones in the back. I promise I did not plan this. This is not a conspiracy. I don't think anyway.

What can I say? Rosa's Cafe is the popular hang out for Mormons on Tuesdays. I think half the restaurant was filled up with Latter-day Saints during Tuesday's lunch hour.

Remember Argentina from Guatemala? The lady I got my dog from and the one that helped me pick prickly pears from some random stranger's fence line? You'll never guess who her favorite people in the whole wide world are. Yes, that is her sitting with the missionaries.

Like I said, we Mormons filling up Rosa's Cafe in Flower Mound Tuesday was not planned. Behold, I was there solely for the fajitas.

Oh and we had homemade funnel cakes for dinner too.

Daylight Inquiries

2009-11-03T07:11:00.000-08:00

Monday morning I awoke to bright, clear blue skies with the sun risen high above the horizon. At first my stomach leaped int my throat my mind thinking that I had way overslept and would have to endure the embarrassment again of explaining to the attendance clerks why my children were late for school. I popped out of bed and began searching for the nearest digital clock--the set top box, my cell phone, perhaps my computer--in a desperate effort to discover just how late I had made my two oldest children.
And that's when through sleepy blurred vision I read the numbers on a digital clock: 7:15 am.

Hallelujah Praise the Lord Thank You Amen! 7:15 am is the earliest I have been awake on a school day since my children began school. No one tell my husband. Although I think he has a sneaking suspicion already.

{Irrelevant Question to Ponder: Anyone know why suspicions have to sneak? Or is it sinking suspicion? Is so, then just how do suspicions sink?}

{Redundant Questions to Ponder: First, why is time change referred to as Daylight Savings Time now that nightime arrives at 5:30 pm? Where is the sunlight savings in that? By losing hours of daylight at the end of the day are we somehow saving something from it? In 2005, the United States Congress enacted the Energy Policy Act completely screwing with the dates of when most of us in the US change our clocks. Someone out there please tell me where the energy to waking up earlier than usual is because I want mine back. My own version of the Energy Policy Act would include free caffeine and a vitamin B12 shots for everyone. KayThanxBye.}

I know, I am full of perplexing inquiries.

The only good note to setting my clock back one hour is that my husband will now be using the sunlight to his advantage drawing open the curtains in the morning therefor forcing me out of bed for a have-a-good-day-at-work kiss. Oh, and the kids getting to school well on time. Which reminds me that I was lucky Monday--if Daylight Savings Time hadn't been Sunday, then I might have really been explaining myself to the attendance clerks in the front office.

More than likely, those clerks probably would have had a sinking suspicion I was fibbing.

Halloween Break Down

2009-11-02T07:29:00.000-08:00

I remember as a child looking forward to Halloween each October. Trick-or-Treating was a highlight of my childhood. I always looked forward to dressing up and playing games. My great-grandmother bought me the first costume I remember--Casper the Friendly Ghost. Basically since then it has been my desire each year to dress up on this holiday, and especially now since I have my own children.

When my children were very young, I'd go through the expense of purchasing each of my children a costume. First it was a giraffe, then a dragon, and lastly a mummy. As a result of the economy, this year we forgoed purchasing costumes and instead decided to use our imaginations and create costumes from items we already had on hand in an effort to save money (well except for my vamp teeth) and spark the children's creativity.

My oldest has begged me all month to let him be a skeleton and I almost had to tell him to think of another costume idea when I came across a skeleton ninja outfit in my garage. I have no idea where it came from because I certainly didn't buy it, but I had one content child and that is all that mattered.

After that near fiasco, The Hubs and I decided we were making up the other two kid's minds for them. My middle child then became a pirate. I think this costume was the most creative of the three. We used one of my ruffled shirts, a church vest and slacks, one of my rings for an earring, we made a sword out of cardboard and foil, used my stand mixer's dough hook as a pirate hook, and finished off the look with some random rings for added bling. I later painted a patch over his right eye.

Argh matey!

I really, really, really wanted to dress up my youngest as Falcon the balloon boy, but since The Hubs mentioned it may be slightly inappropriate albeit funny, we also concluded it would take a lot of tin foil to complete the look. So, instead we grabbed my husband's cowboy hat and a my son's red dress shirt and called it a day. I don't think he cared since he was just in it for the candy.

Me? Well I went as a vampire of course. In fact, I dressed up for Halloween a day in advance since I had to fork out $10 a tooth for my vampire teeth. On a side note, I also wore my vampire teeth to church yesterday.

Gotta get as much use out of these vampire teeth as possible!

(Which is part of the reason why when the missionaries showed up at my door last Friday for a drink of water after knocking on doors all afternoon that I made good use out of my new teeth and the missionaries as MissionScary props.)

The Hubs made himself into a zombie. We even glued staples into his cheek for extra scary points. If the world ever does come down with some kind of zombie virus, I'm betting my husband can fake out even the living dead. He's got the look down good:

The Hubs and The Kids:

Me and The Kids:

So, what did you do for Halloween? Or if you don't do Halloween, what would you have dressed up as?

PS: You can check out more Screwed Up Texan photographs on Flickr.

Tonight's the Night for Halloween Fun

2009-10-31T09:03:00.000-07:00

(Poem by Harry Behn, entitled Halloween)

Tonight is the night when dead leaves fly

Like witches on switches across the sky

When elf and sprite flit through the night

On a moony sheen, on a moony sheen!

Happy Halloween!

I don't know about y'all, but I am going to have fun today...cause this vampire can survive both sunlight and motherhood. Especially when there's candy involved.

Takin' Care of Business

2009-10-30T07:16:00.000-07:00

(The following is an actual question from one of my readers.) 

Dear Screwed Up Texan,

How did you get to be so fabulous?

A. Well, to answer your most intriguing and inward looking inquiry, my friend, I'd have to say that my fabulousness comes from my ability to do many things that normal people just simply cannot. For instance, how many people do you know who are double-jointed/hyper-extensive in at least nine different places on their bodies? Better yet, how many people do you know who can fit themselves inside a suitcase after giving birth to three children as a talent and be proud of it?

That's what I thought.

Oh, and I have a pointed left ear. Beat that.

I'd end my discourse on my coolness here, but I'd rather not since I just looked in the mirror and my head hasn't quite swollen that big yet. Not that my head needs to get bigger since face masks already don't fit me all that well (and Halloween is coming up so I have to keep this in check, mmm kay?).

I hear some people think I am fabo because I have this awesome ability to annoy peacemakers and pacify angry turds. Case in point: a couple years ago a frumpy lady at the super cool Smacky D's in my neighboring town had the nerve to yell at me for not taking one of my children into the bathroom with me and his brother while his brother left a contribution for the town. She had the nerve to tell me that I was a terrible parent. A mouthful of angry words back to her for not minding her own business while I took care of business had her stomping out of Smacky D's before the door could smack her back on the rear. See, I'm a problem solver. Add that to my resume.

Most of all, I think my superb fabulousness comes from indulgence in my homemade apple pies. Really.

Go ahead, make yourself some...then one day you might be like me (and that may or may not be a good thing).

Now a Question from Me: How did you get to be so fabulous?

My Autumn Conundrum

2009-10-28T06:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know which makes me more happy, pumpkin pie or home cooked chili. 'Tis seriously a conundrum I have to deal with during autumntime. One more bowl of chili or one more slice of pie? Should I worry about the calories in the pie or the calories in the chili? Will pumpkin pie really work as an aphrodisiac or should I make my husband suffer under the covers with buttercups?

Serious questions I must deal with.

My church's Chili Cook-Off was last Saturday. This is our annual event where members compete in a contest to determine who has the best chili recipe and come for free food--cause you know it's always about the free food. Chili Cook-Offs are a church social event that I do not try to squirm my way out of attending. This year I even brought along my home baked creation of chocolate cake with wild berry filling.

In fact, if it weren't for Chili Cook-Offs, I may have never gone back to church. Okay, maybe a slight over exaggeration, but come on...it's hard to pass up the simple concoction of tomatoes, beef, onions, peppers, spices, and beans slow-cooked to perfection.

I'm tellin' ya, many left that night with a warmth they've never experienced and not from any spiritual connection--after all, beans are the magical fruit if you catch my drift.

Orange you glad I didn't make any bean jokes?

I should have known I had enough ~~magical beans~~ chili when the following joke popped in my mind:

Q: What do Mormon missionaries dress up as for Halloween?

A: MissionSCARIES!

You know you just ~~wanted to slap me~~ laughed.

Some things I've learned from last week's Annual Chili Cook-Off to remember for next year:

1.) Steal entrant #9's chili recipe.

2.) Make sure my kids know how to feed themselves.

3.) Take many more goofy photographs of my kids posing.

4.) Eat more candy corn before the little girl next to me gets to them all.

5.) Learn how to change my camera settings covertly so I don't startle the bishop's wife with a camera in her face.

6.) Learn better jokes. Ah heck, I liked the MissionScary joke, didn't you?

Don't answer that.

Unofficial Grande Tour de Walmart

2009-10-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

There are a few secrets to obtaining the most magnificent of nights out with girlfriends. You mustn't be an experienced painter of the town, but you must be a fun spirited and gregarious soul. Even better, you should have a hot ride such as this one to go cruising the town in and you better be going somewhere elegantly extravagant...

Like Walmart.

That's right, we decided to embark on the Unofficial Tour de le Grande Dame Walmart de Highland Village. The Great Mother of all Walmarts if Walmarts could have parental units. The Walmart where anything is possible such as freshly made sushi and divinely inspired pastries. The Walmart where no People of Walmart can be found...yes, it is possible.

First, proper procedure must be met when indulging on a such a grand tour:

1.) A greasy, calorie laden meal should be eaten in the driver's seat. Each friend should take part in this right of passage. It is especially nice when no one owns the getaway car and so if the pizza does ~~on purpose~~ accidentally get spilled on the steering wheel, someone else has to clean it up.

(For the record, Donna did not tell me to spill pizza in the car, but my story would not be as cool if I didn't embellish it a little.)

Just thank the heavens above that the photo of me caressing said pizza is currently unavailable.

2.) Arrive to the Grande Dame of Walmarts in style. Ensure that the driver parks correctly. Make her pull up if she doesn't. Also for the record books, Donna was driving.

3.) If you have big cameras, like we do, try to take covert shots. You really don't want anyone kicking you out for photographing the store.

What makes the Highland Village Walmart so special?

1.) I like to think it is because they saved this 125 year old pecan tree from utter destruction when they built the Walmart in its present location. It is all about the pecan tree. (Remember: PUH-con, thanks.)

2.) Where else can you purchase both a $2.97 bottle of wine and...

A $238.87 bottle of wine in the same Wally World? If you drink, this is your haven to go shopping with shelves and shelves of alcoholic tonic.

Remember ladies, take covert photographs.

3.) I hear there's a bike for sale here for $2500. Everyday low price, because the same bike in the adjoining town is $4500. So I hear. PS: No automotive center here. Only a bicycle repair shop. Although I have never actually seen anyone ride their bike to this Walmart.

4.) Sushi bar...need I say more?

5.) Automatic lights that turn on and off to conserve energy. More remarkable--nearly empty aisles. Even more remarkable than the more remarkable? Still no People of Walmart in the aisles.

6.) Friendly Walmart Greeters like Don T. here. Don and I are buddies, seeing each other once per week when I do my shopping rounds. What is so special about Don? Besides the fact that he doesn't chase me around in a motorized buggie like another Walmart greeter in another store because he thinks I am stealing something, but on the other hand always greets me with a grin and a "hello".

I found one more reason to love Don last week when out with the girls: his name tag. Instead of having his manager write his name as "Don T." on his plastic badge, he had them spell it "Don'T". Why? According to Don, "because Don T. would have been too boring. What is the fun in that?"

Don'T, I couldn't agree more.

And as Donna said regarding if you like Don, "You either Do or you Don'T." Nice......

Buick - It's Not Your Grandmother's Car

2009-10-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

There's nothing better than having friends and especially friends that you want to be around. I love my friends over at General Motors. I really do. Mostly I love them, because they tell me to do crazy things like spill pizza on the leather seats of a 2010 Buick LaCrosse. See they understand me..they understand my need to be different than the crowd. They complete me. Besides, who passes up pizza? Not me.

I have to be honest with you that when General Motors first approached me about the 2010 Buick LaCrosse that I laughed at the very idea of a Buick being an elegant car that I as a young mother would want to own. One thought kept coming to my mind: my grandmother's and college boyfriend's white boats of Buicks. My perception of Buick owners were that of Geeks, Gangsters, and Geezers. In fact, after Donna from GM invited me to a Buick event I went home and thought of a slogan for the Buick brand: "The Buick Stops Here" to which my other Twitter friend responded, "And Usually on the Side of the Road and Out in the Middle of Nowhere." I had a good and long laugh that night.

Then I actually took the time to look up the new 2010 Buick LaCrosse online and realized the joke was really on me.

I discovered Buick's new sleek design, polished performance, and mastered maneuverability--like a starlet--all caught up in ambient blue interior lighting. There was something special about this car and in the back of my mind I could hear a small voice telling me: "Buick--It's Not Your Grandmother's Car" over and over again.

I was mesmerized.

That's when an idea took a hold of me and I finally suggested it on Twitter last night to General Motors: "How about we take a cruise to Wally World in the new 2010 Buick LaCrosse?" to which they enthusiastically agreed. This wasn't just any regular trip to Walmart, this was the Unofficial Tour de Grande Dame Walmart de Highland Village Texas. This was four fun females arriving in style to the Wonder of Walmarts and we'd be sure to smear some pizza on steering wheel.

But hey, we weren't the ones cleaning it up.

Don't believe me that we had a special reason to visit this particular Walmart? What other Walmart can you buy a $238.87 and a $2.97 bottle of wine all in the same store?

There's even a sushi and olive bar, a bakery with fancy desserts, and automatic lights down the freezer aisles. More on the Tour de Grande Dame of Walmarts later...first this friendly reminder in case you try to do something crazy like steal keys to a 2010 Buick LaCrosse (not that I would ever do something like that):

Don't Go Singing in the Rain Around Mother Hubbard Y'all

2009-10-22T07:02:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 began like any other day with me rushing to get the boys ready for school and dropping them off with just a little time to spare. It was raining this particular morning to which my children were especially gleeful about.

Some moms makes a hot bowl of soup when it rains...I do that and I get out the umbrella and play in the rain with the kids. Seriously. I see no point in staying indoors in the pouring rain if it is not too cool outside. I don't play in it every chance I can, but every once in a while splashing water is fun indeed. Think of it like a ginormous water-park with free admission and no crowds.

So, when it came time to pick up my oldest two from school (and I always have more time in the afternoons to get to the school) I had the choice of either A.) driving my oldest and dog to the two blocks to school or B.) getting out the raincoat and umbrella and walking my oldest and dog to the school. I opted for playing in the rain.

Off we went!

By the time we got to our street corner the skies had decided to open up its damn and drop glorious buckets of fresh water upon us. Lily the Dog was looking quite like a homeless rat and my four-and-a-half-year-old became entranced by the water puddles stomping in them with laughter. At this point each of us were wet to one degree or another, Lily taking the brunt of the wet.

Then we made it to the school where my child and I stood under an eave until the rain subsided. When it did, you can rest assured knowing my son decided to lay himself in a water puddle like little boys do. What's the harm, right?

Wrong.

Apparently, every so often, Mother Hubbard notices your child laying in a water puddle to which he exclaims:

"Who's child is this?!"

Me: "He's mine."

Not two minutes later:

"I can't believe you're letting your child lay in a water puddle. Don't you know that is just wrong? What is wrong with you!?"

Me: "Well, you could just call the police. I dare you."

Can you imagine the newspaper headlines?

Mother Arrested for Allowing Her Child to Play in Rain Puddle.

Thank Goodness Mother Hubbard didn't see my kid the other day without his shoes. I would have had to slap that overprotective parent with one of those sandals I was holding.

You've Got Questions? I've Got Answers.

2009-10-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

Note: the photograph above has nothing to do with the post below.

As I was sitting in front of my computer yesterday morning contemplating life and strategy and blogging and such, a thought occurred to me...and mostly someone else's thought, because I wasn't really feeling very creative at that moment either. What occurred to me is that I write so much about what I like that perhaps I am neglecting to write about what you want to read about me.

Like have you ever had questions for me that you'd like answered? Like questions about love and breakfast options and what the moon is made out of...you do realize the moon is made out of green cheese, right? Now you know. My great-grandmother taught me that fact and she knew everything.

Maybe.

So then I had an epiphany this morning--an epiphany as large and wide as my head. I should hold a Question and Answer session like I've seen several other bloggers do. So what would you like to know about me? Send me your pressing questions to: screweduptexan(at)gmail(dot)com and fire away!

First Question for Me Courtesy of the great Love Feast Table: If you could have dinner with 10 people, who would they be?

It should be noted that I wrote the names of people as they came to me in order of thought...

Wow, ten people is a lot. Well, I am assuming that I am not sitting alone at this wonderful feast. I also assume that dead people don't count so I guess Jesus and my great-grandmother are out. I also notice that you didn't ask me what we'd be eating, so that means you must keep up with me on Twitter...and that is probably a good thing since my family has been known to eat rollie pollies and pecan weevils. Not at the dinner table, just for fun and on a dare. However, I don't participate in those kinds of feasts as the burnt African caterpillar my friend sneaked onto an airplane in college pretty much ended my love of exotic fodder.

But getting back to the point here--the first two people I'd invite to dinner would be Jim Carrey and my twin brother and only if they could make it to the feast together and then be sitting next to each other. The reason is quite simple I tell ya: I think those two paired up would make me laugh more than the scene in License to Wed when the fake baby's head falls off in the shopping mall. Truth is that Mr. Carrey and my male half are quite alike in mannerisms, speech, and tickle-bone funny skills. I've often wondered if Jim Carrey was my brother's idol growing up. In fact, have you seen this Letterman episode with Jim Carrey lately?

WARNING: You should probably stop reading now.

Now that I've got Numero Uno and Numero Dos marked off on my guest list, I'd then invite both Oprah and Ellen DeGeneres to my feast. Now I know what you are thinking--the only reason I'd invite celebrities over is so I can bribe them into buying me a new stove and changing out my carpet upstairs, but you're HALF-wrong. Half-wrong because I don't have any money or neat doodads to bribe them with. I just think it would be hilarious to watch a conversation between my male half, Mr. Carrey, Ellen, and Oprah at my dinner table. Maybe we can talk about the weather or those five kinds of fat sitting on my kitchen counter

Or

Maybe we can talk about Lily, my Yorkie, as she'd be next on my list of invitees to eat with. I think I'd place Lily between Ellen and Jim Carrey and watch the comedian powers unleash. Can you imagine Oprah's face with a dog at the dinner table? I don't think she could handle it. Of course, Lily would have to eat what the rest of us are eating since she still refuses to eat regular dog food. We'd have our meal prepared by Paula Deen in some of uber cool turquoise colored pots and pans set at Wally World. So I guess hat means Miss Paula is coming too.

Which reminds me, Miley Cyrus would also have to make it to the dinner, because not only is she totally awesome, but I also super adore her fashion line at Wally World. She's just not allowed to wear the stirrup-pants.

One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight...two more to go.

I suppose at some point I oughta invite my husband to the dinner party since he's the one that rolls in the dough around here, although I think he'd have serious issues with a dog as a dinner guest, but I think he could live with it.

Last, but not least, Id invite my mail carrier, Gabriel, because I get this impression that he doesn't get out much. Now I could be wrong as he seems completely suave and all. I also have a feeling he'd be fun to carry a conversation with. Plus, can you imagine me running out to meet said mail carrier and telling him Oprah, Ellen, and Jim Carrey were in my house right at that moment? He'd probably freak out and speed off and then call his supervisor to tell them the news. Then everybody would think he was crazy and not me so that is actually a good thing.

Maybe I should just tell him Miley and Paula are there. That's more believable.

PS: You should have just stopped reading at the Letterman video.

Maybe I Should Buy Some Toenail Clippers?

2009-10-21T06:54:00.000-07:00

I think my kid needs a trip to the pedicurist.

And this probably also explains why you'll hardly ever see me wearing flip-flops.

Just keepin' it real...

Have a Happy Wednesday.

I Should Get an Award for This

2009-10-20T07:40:00.001-07:00

You don't want to see me in the mornings. You really, really don't. In fact, if it were up to me, I'd sleep in way later than I do now. More often than I'd like admit, in the mornings I have approximately ten minutes to get my children dressed from head to toe, grab their backpacks and coats, and run to the school half a mile away. And when I say run I mean on foot, not in my minivan. Ten minutes to do this with three boys and a dog. When the crosswalk guard sees me in the morning, he's seen what I look like after being awake for only approximately fifteen minutes.

What can I say? I am a lazy, sleepy mom in the mornings. Thank goodness The Hubs feeds our children before he leaves for work or else my kids would probably go to school hungry every morning too. Laziness to the extreme equals me.

I am definitely not a morning person. And I kinda feel guilty about it.

I often wonder, and this especially holds true on Saturday mornings, when my children will want to sleep in since they are apparently early morning people. I've had my refrigerator raided at 5:45 am, the television turned up very loud at 6 am, a child stuck on the top shelf in the game room at 7 am and my boys sneak out of the house at 7 :15 am. Thank goodness not all on the same day.

I remember myself and my siblings at the age of eleven making our own breakfast and turning on the Saturday morning cartoons long before our parents awoke. Then sometime around the age of twelve or thirteen that all changed and it literally took a bulldozer to get me out of bed. Can you imagine then how hard it was for me at the age of fourteen to attend Early Morning Seminary for an hour before school every morning? An hour of studying religious scripture when all I wanted to do was sleep? An hour of studying religious scripture when religious scripture usually makes me sleepy anyway? I should have got an award I'm telling you for completing three years of Early Morning Seminary and mostly staying awake.

My point?

Wait. Am I supposed to have one? Okay. Fine. Basically what I am saying here is that I think there should be an award for people that get up early in the morning in spite of themselves. Life free caffeine or something.

So, who's sending me the chocolate?

Sunday is a Special Day: It's the Day We Pick Pecans

2009-10-19T07:23:00.000-07:00

I was reading C Jane's blog this morning, the one entitled What the World Needs, and this is what she wrote as the caption of the photograph:

"Less child labor in industry, more child labor at home."

I couldn't agree with her more.

In fact yesterday of all days I had my children outside in the front yard helping me pick pecans off the ground under our glorious pecan trees. Yes, I know, "Saturday is a special day...it's the day we get ready for Sunday...we work and work and work and work so we can rest all day Sunday." But look, these are pecans we're talking about here. Big, sweet, and free pecans and they must be gathered before the squirrels get to them all!

Now for a pronunciation lesson: Pecans are pronounced "puh-CONS" never "PEE-cans!" Pee-cans is what my grand-daddy relieved himself in. I should know--I used to live in Pecan Capitol of the World: San Saba, Texas.

Thank you for minding that bit of Know-It-All-ism.

Truthfully, I could tell the boys enjoyed picking the pecans with me. I don't think they see it as child labor at home at all...yet. Perhaps in a few more years. One by one we filled a large metal bowl with all the pecans we could stand picking for the afternoon, took them inside, and I made some of my famous pecan pie. Well, famous if you've ever eaten it before. So famous in fact that I used to sell my pecan pies in college to the guys up the road from my dorm at Ricks College (er BYU-Idaho cause they decided to change names after I'd been there a year already).

That's right Forrest, the secret to my $6 pecan pies is on my recipe blog. Make some of it for old times sake. But please, oh please:

Do not call it a pee-can pie.

I am Ready for Autumn

2009-10-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

The spectacular entrance of autumn has set the stage for a grandiose melody of crimson, fire, plum, and citrine. Crisp, cool weather and shortening days have brought about a sense of wonder in the air. Each day I look forward to taking a stroll with my youngest, enjoying these few weeks we have left until winter. Winter, my least favorite season only because I am a pansy for cold.

I am ready for fall to be here--it is welcome. After a smoldering hot summer, I was ready to move back to the high mountain plains of Wyoming to escape the fiery furnace I call home. Normally the heat doesn't bother me, but this year was different. Perhaps it is because I am getting older. Perhaps because I am getting fatter. Perhaps both.

I look forward to autumn each year in anticipation for hayrides, pumpkin patches, spices, delicious desserts, and my all-time favorite holiday: Halloween. There is something about dressing up each year and stealing the kids' chocolate candies that turns the corners of my mouth up in glee. Autumn gives me a good excuse to act like a child again--and get away with it.

What is your favorite time of the year? Most importantly, what should I dress up as for Halloween?

Winners! Carol's Club Baking Ware Courtesy of Red Star

2009-10-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

I apologize for taking all day to get this done (I am also supposed to be working on a Preparedness message for my women's group at church--that was due yesterday), but Procrastination is my middle name!

So without further adieu, the winners for the baking products from Carol's Club courtesy of Red Star Yeast are:

The Two (2) Grand Prize Winners are:

Laura
Tufa Girl

The Three (3) Regular Prize Winners are:

Maya
Karen
Linn

Congratulations y'all! Send me an email at screweduptexan at gmail dot com with "Red Star Winner" in the subject line with your mailing information and I will get your goodies off to you! Please read my rules and disclosure.

My Old Man is a Chevy Coloring Kid and Other Fair Tricks

2009-10-16T06:31:00.000-07:00

So far so good--my smallest urchin hasn't told his brothers what kind of fun he had yesterday at the State Fair of Texas...yet. Boy did we have fun! Nothing starts a day at the state fair quite like letting a four-year-old test drive Lightening McQueen at the Chevy Kids Test Drive area--especially when that four-year-old is my kid.

Crash!

After a close call with death in the bumper car arena we decided to do a little coloring...well we should really mean my little man and my old man.

Both were very proud of their artwork.

I think my husband's picture was the oldest entrant in the contest.

In honor of my husband, I thought of a little poem that goes like this:

I don't wanna grow up,

I'm a Chevy coloring kid,

I may be 31 years old but

This is the best coloring I ever did!

If that poem scared you, then don't look at the following series of photographs...and please if you know Falcon the Helium Balloon Boy, please don't show him these photos of my son inside the 2010 Chevy Traverse ever. He may get ideas:

If I ever can't find my kids, I am looking in the back of my van first.

Good memories were fostered, fun times captured at the Chevy Mom Event sponsored by BurbMom and Chevy. There was additional feeding into my addiction of the internet where I sneaked off for a few minutes and checked my blog. Proof of my addiction:

I decided I'd practice with my camera and photograph some other children exploring their creativity coloring at the tables. Some of the children were easy photographing subjects.

Others not so much. Pretty much the look on this dude's face is, "Lady, back off with the camera." Love his eyes!

Then it was time for prizes and to see who would be randomly chosen as the Coloring Champ (I think my husband secretly hoped he would win the grand prize). But no, this sweet girl won instead and my husband's heart was crushed.

I on the other hand won this nifty leather Texas-shaped paperweight. Perfect for this Texan gal.

After winning the paperweight, my life was complete for the day. I thanked the BurbMoms, grabbed some nachos to eat, and found some animals to pet...but not necessarily in that order.

Disclosure: Chevy paid for my parking and tickets to the State Fair, not to mention my nachos, so nanna nanna boo boo.

I'm in Trouble Ain't I?

2009-10-15T06:05:00.000-07:00

So, we're going to the State Fair of Texas this morning for a mom and kid event sponsored by Chevy (just click so you can see my pose in the 2010 Camaro). What I really should say instead of "we" is that my husband, my youngest, and I are going to the fair, because I honest to goodness don't feel like pulling my two oldest out of school to wrangle them all day in a place that is more than likely going to give me a huge panic attack even though my two oldest have been begging me all month to go.

I know--I am a bad mommy. Bite me.

I've already instructed my youngest to keep silent on his special trip to the state fair so his brothers don't throw a conniption-fit. Yes, I know the odds are against me that he will actually stay mum, but it is commendable to have high hopes right?

With a face like this, how could I not take him. He's even practicing for the fried butter on his face routine.

He's really such a lovebug.

Til then, make sure you enter to win free baking ware from Carol's Kitchen courtesy of Red Star. There are 5 chances to win! If you don't see your comment come up, don't worry, as soon as I get back this afternoon I'll be moderating comments.

One Request: Keep your fingers crossed that my youngest won't brag to his brothers what he got to do today at the state fair. I love spoiling this kid.

On second thought, I'm in trouble ain't I?

Entering a Whole 'Nother World

2009-10-14T08:17:00.000-07:00

Remember how I said I bought a new camera since my kids destroyed my old one? Well, that lasted a grand total of eleven days. You see, I went back to the store and exchanged it. The Nikon CoolPix S220 wasnt a bad camera, it just didnt fit my needs--specifically I had no way to control apeture and no reliable way to control exposure.

So I exchanged the camera and entered the world of SLRs.

My oh my is the difference noticeable! In fact, the photo quality is so great that I am having to get used to seeing crystal clear images...more clearly than my own vision. Which in a way is sort of sad, because that means I am getting old.

The camera I chose: a Nikon D40. The salespeople at Best Buy told me the camera is being discontinued so I did get a good deal on it, but I'll be honest in that my stomach had nearly jumped in my throat by the time I arrived home. I hardly ever make large purchases like this, but thank goodness the Nikon D40 was on sale or I probably wouldn't have bought it.

So far I am impressed with the photographs the Nikon D40 takes. I have a long ways to go in learning how to take better photographs, but for now here are some of the results:

Quest to Become Fast Friends with the Devil

2009-10-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

Oftentimes, I wonder if people think I complain too much about my children. What I think they don't realize is that my "complaining" is actually me bragging about my kids.

I have the worst kids on the planet and I am dang proud of it!

Yes, I love my children. No, I would never do it again--that is why my husband got snipped. You parents that looked forward to your children waking up every two hours in the middle of the night are really nuts I think. Then again, I can't really complain too much about that either since my husband took care of all the late night/early morning feedings while I pretended to be asleep.

Oh how it felt joyous to lay still on my side of the bed and hear the kids crying for..."Da Da Da Da!" It still brings a smile to my face.

I think we all have our own way of doing things--of being a parent. I think there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think being different is what makes us uniquely fantastic as parents. I don't know what I would have done without my husband those nights he got up to take care of the children. Well, okay, I'd probably be insane right now.

Being a parent is exhausting. It takes a certain level of selflessness and patience to be a good parent. However, in those moments of pure exasperation when you think your world is coming to an end (you know, the kid just had the Hershey Squirts in the bathtub even though he's four and you were supposed to leave ten minutes ago), your child looks at you in the most innocent and loving way or says something so off the wall that your heart is instantly softened.

My kids usually go for saying the darnedest thing route.

That's right--sometimes my kids say the darnedest things. Well, that whole "sometimes" thing is thrown out at my house, because all three of mine say things that put a bewildered expression on my face on an almost daily occurrence. For instance, my oldest who is in Speech at school has the daily task of making up sentences at school and then putting them together onto paper at home so he can learn sentence structure. Some of the sentences have been rather innocuous such as:

"I see the fire truck and the ambulance" and "I am going to eat ice cream."

Other sentences have been right near senseless like:

"I see a horse and a car and a big little mower." I mean, what the heck is that?

Other sentences evil:

"The girl got baked in a cake" and "I was at home and my brothers were at the dump."

Once, he even tattled on his brothers:

"My brothers stealed Daddy's money."

When my kid brings home sentences like this one, I wonder if my son's teacher thinks my husband and I fight a lot:

"I see the mower and daddy leaved."

You'd think they'd at least instruct him on proper grammar.

But the worst thing my oldest son said was last night as we were all in a frenzy preparing for bed...it went, "Did you ever have a feeling you didn't want something? I do. It's my brothers. I want to get rid of them." To which I had to stop and laugh hysterically at and am now probably going to hell for not taking my son's feelings seriously.

Oh well.

I think I pretty much sealed the deal to becoming fast friends with the devil when I laughed for over an hour at this lady last night:

(Feed readers may need to click this link to see video.)

Oh heck, I am still laughing at her.

TIME'S UP!!! Giving Back from Red Star

2009-10-12T12:09:00.000-07:00

Every action has a reaction and it's those little actions that count the most like opening the door for a stranger and receiving a smile of gratitude in return. Sometimes the reactions are predictable, such as what results from performing a simple act of kindness. Other times, the reaction is unexpected like getting followed for thirty miles by an "over-friendly" trucker just because you waved at him for allowing you to pass him and he took it as a sign you wanted to play around.

Yep. It happens. That's when you snap a photo of his license plate in case no one ever sees you alive again.

Just call me paranoid.

Which is why I have enjoyed baking with Red Star yeast products for over ten years, because I know the results will always be the same. About a month ago, I was given a few Red Star yeast products to try at home. Needless to say, I didn't have to try the Red Star yeast since it's the only yeast I have ever been happy with. I buy Red Star yeast in bulk. There was no need to convince me--I had reached that conclusion years ago.

Like any good company, Red Star has decided to give back to their customers for purchasing Red Star products. It's called Carol's Club and basically what that means is when you purchase Red Star products, each red star saved (which is found on Red Star products) will earn you points towards FREE products in Carol's Club (pdf file)! This is a free program (plus shipping and handling) just for buying Red Star products! I was given a sampling of these products free of charge to try out myself: loaf pans, Danish dough whisks, oven thermometers, adjustable measuring spoons, dough scrapers, an apron, silicone spatulas and a purse-load of yeast pouches and recipes.

However, since I don't need any more loaf pans, yeast, oven thermometers, and other goodies (okay, so I am keeping the apron they sent me), then I thought I'd give them away here on my blog just in time for the holidays!

Here's the Important Stuff:

There will be FIVE (5) recipients of Red Star products which will consist of TWO (2) GRAND PRIZE winners and THREE (3) Regular Prize winners. The Grand Prize winners will receive EACH: one loaf pan, one silicone spatula, one Danish dough whisk, one oven thermometer, one dough scraper, one adjustable spoon, two booklets of recipes and six pouches of yeast (3 regular rise and 3 quick rise). The Regular Prize winners will receive EACH: six pouches of yeast (3 regular rise and 3 quick rise) and two booklets of recipes. The booklets of recipes also have a coupon.

Here's How to Enter:

1.) Leave a comment on THIS POST telling me what your favorite holiday baked food is such as Glazed Pecan Rolls, Homemade Bread, Sweet Dinner Rolls, or even Mom's Apple Pie AND whether or not you bake with yeast. The holiday baked food item need not be yeast based. I want everyone to have an equal chance of winning these great products.

That's It! No extra entries this time!

Be sure to visit the Red Star website for lessons on successful yeast baking, educational resources about yeast, and videos on yeast baking.

**~~One entry per person please. Give away ends Friday, October 16th 2009 at 9 PM and will be announced sometime Saturday the next day and chosen by random.org. Good Luck!~~ TIME'S UP! WINNERS TO BE ANNOUNCED SHORTLY!

Disclosure

Okie Adventures: Riding Solo

2009-10-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite places to drive is in Oklahoma--rolling hills, crystal clear streams and lakes, blue skies that go on forever. It's driving in areas like this that brings a peaceful feeling to my soul. I haven't driven solo since college, so this last week driving by myself allowed me to reflect in quiet on my life and my purpose without interruptions from my boys. Four-and-a-half hours of pure, blissful peace with only the sound of the radio and my thoughts to distract me.

The purpose of my trip was to close some open ends in family matters surrounding my sister's passing in 2008, but I wasn't going to allow that to keep me from enjoying myself and having a little fun on my short vacation. In fact, I was so wrapped up in quiet solitude that I missed driving over the grand Red River and didn't realize I was even in Oklahoma until I was already passing Durant. The Choctaw Casino is what gave it away. I then stopped in Atoka to fill up with gas and grab some sour gummy worms--a snack my husband never lets me indulge in on roadtrips.

Before stopping for gasoline, I had passed Tushka, Oklahoma...and the only thing I could think of was, "If I lived in this town, I'd tell people to 'Kiss my Tushka.'" Sorry, sometimes you have to make stupid jokes when you're alone.

Eventually, I made it up to Sapulpa, Oklahoma a place that has both fond and bad memories for me. Mostly, I am indifferent about the town. Sapulpa has a rich history having Historic Route 66 running through it. Some of my happiest memories of Sapulpa as a teenager are browsing the flea market on the weekends, making friends at school my ninth grade year, and passing the glass plant off Mission Street with wonder of what this factory was. Turned out my late sister had once worked there, so now when I pass by it I think of my late sister and the kindness she taught me.

It's funny how some places conjure certain emotions: anger, peace, happiness, sadness. For me, Oklahoma is a place that has lent all those feelings to me at one time or another. Then as I think of the strength and confidence that specific close ones have taught me, those like my late sister, my mind is filled with happiness and my perception changes to love the places my loved ones hold dear. By loving those places and those things it's like having a piece of my loved ones with me always.

Quick Fried Pies (Turnovers)

2009-10-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

These easy to make "pies" are sure to satisfy your sweet tooth. Technically a turnover, only 2 ingredients are needed to make the shell and then they are filled with a spoonful of your favoring filling or jelly.

Quick Fried Pies

2 cups Bisquick or other biscuit mix (I make my own)
1/2 cup of milk
1/3 cup of your choice of filling such as pie filling, jelly, pudding, et cetera.
powdered sugar, if desired

In a medium mixing bowl, mix by hand using a spoon the Bisquick and milk. Turn onto floured surface and knead until the dough is smooth and ingredients are completely mixed together. Divide dough into 8 even sections.

Using the palm of your hand, flatten a section of dough onto lightly floured surface. Using a lightly floured rolling pin, roll the dough as you would for pie into a 5 inch circle.

Place a tablespoon or so of filling in the middle of the flattened circle. Fold in half.

With a dinner fork, press the side of the dough together. Turn the pie over and repeat.

Carefully place "pie" into an electric skillet filled with 1/2 inch to one inch of cooking oil or melted fat that has been heated to 200 F. Cook for 2 to 3 minutes on each side or until sides are golden brown. After fried pies have been removed from fat, place on paper towels to absorb excess fat.

Sprinkle with powdered sugar if desired. Makes eight fried pies (turnovers).

Recipe for Disaster

2009-10-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

There may be no going back on this one.

Unless I want to breathe in the fumes of melting plastic again so I can scrape the rest of my green dinner plate off my stove.

Yes, oh yes--my 1974 range has seen better days...

And all because I was too busy snapping shots of fried pies with my new camera to notice my youngest's screams of the melting plate.

I'll be sharing the recipe soon. The recipe on how to make the fried pies--not on how to perfectly melt a hole in a plastic plate.

You can thank me later.

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