Sportswritten

25 Cent per Bet Tax: How Illinois Democrats Fumbled the Ball on Legal Sports Betting

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Tue, 03 Jun 2025 20:36:00 +0000

On May 31st, the state of Illinois passed SB2510 which established a $55.2B budget for the government in 2026. The bill did nothing to address the structural problems with spending in the state and instead focused on short-sighted tax increases to attempt to balance revenue with the budget. Due to approaching deadlines, there was less than 24 hours for review of this bill. This is the recipe for how a 25 to 50 cent per sports bet tax was included in the bill purporting to raise an additional $36 Million in tax revenue. Sportsbook operators in Illinois must now pay 25 cents per bet for the first 20 Million bets they accept and 50 cents per bet for any bets in excess of this threshold. The 'per bet' tax adds to the tax burdens of sportsbook operators in Illinois which are already elevated relative to other states. Online only Illinois sportsbooks pay $20 million up front as a license fee just to operate in Illinois, but they can partner with land-based casinos to reduce this license fee to $10 Million. They remit 20-40% of their Gross Gaming Revenue (GGP) [wagers minus wins paid out] as a tax to the state of Illinois. Compare this to neighboring Iowa where sportsbooks are licensed at $45,000 and taxed at 6.75%.

And yet, even with the tremendous tax burden, some operators have been able to conduct business in Illinois. Maybe that's what emboldened Illinois Democrats to include such a poorly considered additional tax which takes effect July 1st, 2025.

Let's analyze a $5 wager on a -110/-110 market like a spread for an NFL game. A typical hold (vig) for a sportsbook on a main market is 4.5%. Overly simplified, this means that in the long run, that $5 wager will make a sportsbook 22.5 cents. Already we can see that this wager isn't viable anymore. The sportsbook can't accept it as they will lose money just on the 'per bet' tax. This is before we start to consider all of the other taxes and expenses like marketing costs a business has to cover. Sportsbooks will be forced to respond. They can continue operations, but they must increase the hold %. They must also eliminate or reduce promotions which were a source of real value for sports bettors. They may instead choose to cease operations.

This tax is a rare lose/lose/lose/lose as I see 4 groups who will be affected by this negatively in different ways.

Sharp Bettors - There are some of us who make a real side living or even a main income from gambling on sports. These people have been completely eliminated by this tax. The sportsbooks will be forced to eliminate promotions and increase hold size on markets to such an extent that it will be impossible for smart bettors to make money. So they will stop. The tax revenue they generated for the state of Illinois will completely dry up. Beyond just thinking of Illinoisians as wallets that can be reached into by the state, consider that these people and their families will now be worse off. They may decide to leave the state of Illinois completely, taking their income, sales, and real estate tax payments with them.

Gambling Addicts - Not only does this law reach deeper into the pockets of those with gambling addiction, but it actively encourages destructive gambling behaviors. 25 cents on a $5 wager is 5% of the wager. With existing hold %, we can expect a gambling addict to lose 9.5% of their money over time with $5 wagers after this tax comes into effect. But something occurs to the gambling addict...if I wager $20, now I'm only losing 5.75% over time. $100...4.75%. The gambling addict won't think in those specific analytic terms, but they will see that this tax is diluted with larger wagers. Sportsbooks will likely have to impose minimum bets to deal with this tax. This tax encourages destructive habits for the most vulnerable among us.

Operators - Obviously the sportsbooks and their shareholders are completely devastated by this tax. They must now make hard decisions about whether to even continue business operations. The bigger operators - Fanduel and Draftkings - need to worry about what to do if they get to 20 million wagers as that's when the tax becomes 50 cents per wager - a figure so horrible I'm not sure what they even do. If I'm an executive at one of those companies, why even try to compete for more betting handle in Illinois? Shut down promotions. Bake extra vig into every bet. Consider predatory practices to increase revenue from losing bettors. Ban winning bettors.

The State of Illinois - This type of tax will actually decrease or keep flat the amount of tax revenue the state collects. Governments often think that they can raise taxes and raise taxes and that tax revenues will go up. But at a certain point, this is not the case [read: Efficient Tax Hypothesis]. This is the type of onerous tax that will force sports bettors en masse to flock to illegal sportsbooks and to those quasi-legal "Sweeps Coins" sites which are not protected and regulated by the state and for which the state sees no tax income. The amount of revenue that the state estimates to collect from this tax does not consider the sharp decrease the tax will cause in legal sports betting and the lost existing tax revenue therefrom.

How bad will this get for legal sports bettors in Illinois? Let's examine the 2024 Sports betting Handle data.

I combined professional, college, motorsports and other events which are each reported separately into a pivot table to get the full picture for 2024. Tier 1 wagers are simply wagers on specific events with an outcome like a team to win or cover the spread. Tier 2 wagers are everything else like player props.

We can see that Fanduel (Fairmont) and Draftkings (Casino Queen) dominate sports betting in Illinois. This means 82.8% of the wagers taken in the state last year were above the 20,000,000 bet threshold. Therefore, Fanduel and Draftkings need to be acting at the margins and analyzing this tax at 50 cents.

The mean wager in 2024 was $37.83. The median is likely much lower due to right skew, but we don't have that data.

On $40 -110/-110 wagers, the expected GGP for a sportsbook would be $1.80 [$40*.045]. Take away 50 cents in tax and they are left with $1.30. Take away another ~30% for GGP tax and they are down to $.76. Now consider that we haven't even addressed covering the cost of the massive license fees in the state. Additionally, it cost money to run a business. There are employees, real estate, technology and marketing costs.

So I think we will start seeing -115/-115 or (shivers) -120/-120 main markets. And the alternative markets which already have massive vigs, we may see -125/-125. Futures markets and other many-way markets like golf where it is easiest to hide the vig will be hit hard. There will have to be some kind of minimum bet which goes against every 'Responsible Gaming' PSA the hypocritical state of Illinois has put out.

After the tax takes effect and we observe these conditions, why would anyone except addicts wager on markets that will have to be 10%+ hold when you can go to sites like NoVig which have a good reputation and hold < 1%. These sites circumvent gambling laws by operating as peer-to-peer exchanges for bets. They can't accept cash bets, but they skirt this by accepting your money, converting into their own currency, and allowing you to bet with that. Then at withdrawal time you can convert their currency back to good ole' USD. There are drawbacks, however. If a legal Illinois sportsbook goes awry of the law in refusing to pay a bet, I can complain to the Illinois Gambling Commission and get my money. I would have no such resource with a non-sanctioned company.

But this is where gamblers are being pushed to by the state of Illinois. Fewer wagers in a functioning, regulated system and more illegal or non-regulated wagers. The result is poorer, less free, and less protected Illinoisians and less tax revenue for Illinois.

4th and Goal - College Football Week 3 Review Podcast

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 22:28:00 +0000

In which we review the 3rd week of college football.

Celebrations: A User's Guide

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Wed, 04 Jul 2012 17:18:00 +0000

Are you a dominant world class athlete? Do you ever win a tournament/championship/Super-Stanley-World-Bowl-Cup-Series and not know what to do next? It can be hard to let out all the joy of winning gracefully, but fear not, for here is a step by step guide enumerating all the do’s and don’ts of how to celebrate your sport’s ultimate victory:

Tennis

Moment of Victory: When the last point is won, immediately release your racket, lose control of all motor skills, and fall to the ground screaming. If you do it right, it should look like you just got shot in the neck. Continue writhing on the ground uncontrollably for a few seconds, then immediately compose yourself to hug your opponent and shake the line judge’s hand.

Your Opponent: After losing a championship match, your opponent is physically and emotionally exhausted. This is the perfect moment to give him shit for all his double faults and mock his comically high-pitched grunts. That being said, keep it to yourself. It’s likely that he’s 5 years younger, and he’ll eventually crush you.

Postgame Interview: You’re probably European, in which case, your broken english is adorable and great for ratings. Don’t fight it.

Kissing The Trophy: Treat it like a “you may kiss the bride” moment. It should be passionate, but remember, your parents are watching. Easy on the tongue.

Basketball

Who To Thank: As a general rule of thumb, God and family are always safe bets. Thanking your teammates, coaches, and fans is all well and good, but considering your 1 in a billion size and stature, you probably owe a tip of the hat to your genetic code.

Postgame Interview: You will inevitably be given the opportunity to guarantee next year’s championship. Do it! History remembers the Joe Namath’s of the world and forgets the Anthony Smith’s. Don’t know who Anthony Smith is? Exactly.

Trophy Presentation: Unlike some other sports, you will have to wait to hold the trophy until after your team’s owner. This might seem unfair to the men who played the games and gave everything they had throughout a lifetime of dedication towards achieving this singular goal, but in the owner’s defense, he is incredibly wealthy.

Golf

Do’s: Get the crowd involved. They’ve been standing around all day, slowly coming to the realization that they actually paid money to watch people play golf. They desperately want to be entertained. Give them a show by dancing around with your 9-iron clearly placed as a phallic symbol, jump into the pond, and make out with your trophy wife. Basically, do everything Happy Gilmore did.

Don’ts: Mess up your scorecard. This is one the few ways you can actually lose after celebrating. You might think it’s ridiculous that they’re making you keep your partner’s score since every shot is recorded on film, seen live by millions, and carefully counted by a man who follows you around all day, holding up a sign telling everyone exactly how many shots he’s taken, but none of that matters if you miscounted his attempted bunker flopshots on 7.

Champagne? No. Think about your audience watching at home. Rich white men willfully wasting expensive alcohol at a private country club might come off a bit 1 percentish.

Hockey

Moment of Victory: Throw your gloves, stick, and helmet in the air and go jump on your goaltender. Don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe to have a dogpile with 20 large men who have sharpened knives on their feet.

Postgame Interview: You might also be European, but given your repeated facial injuries and imposing stature, your foreign accent just makes you seem like a Bond villain. Keep your answers short and pass the mic to a Canadien.

Your Opponents: Fuck ‘em. Celebrate with your teammates for an extended period of time. They will literally stand there and wait. When you eventually go to shake their hands, keep it simple. There’s no need to pretend you’re friends with the brute who slashed you in the back of the knee. Also, avoid sarcasm at all costs. They are still running on a dangerous high of adrenaline and testosterone. One misplaced joke about a funny-looking playoff beard could result in a Todd Bertuzzi situation.

Baseball

Moment of Victory (fielding): Alright, this one can be complicated. First, look around. If there is no one within 40 feet of you, you are in the outfield and you need to sprint as fast as you can to the pitcher's mound. But keep in mind that you are a baseball player, and sprinting in straight lines is the number one cause of injury. Now, if you are an infield player, you must also run to the pitcher's mound. But, be weary! Beating the catcher the catcher to the pitcher is a big faux paus. As the pitcher, keep a wide stance. This will allow you to stay upright when the catcher comes in for a jump-hug.

Moment of Victory (walkoff homerun): This is your opportunity to thrust any dance move you'd like into the public sphere. You have 270 feet of jogging/sprinting/dancing/doing whatever the hell you want and people will love you forever afterwards no matter what you do. Me? I'd slide into every base and signal 'safe' after every one.

Olympics

Moment of Victory: Wrap yourself in your nation’s flag and run around waving at the crowd. (Do this even if you lose. Seriously, being 7th best in the world at anything is awesome.)

On The Podium: Try this out. Invite the bronze and silver medalists to join you up on the top step. Put your arms around each other and sing along to each other’s national anthems. It’s a moving gesture of sportsmanship, a powerful stance of worldwide togetherness, and a great photo op. At the very least, you’ll get a VISA commercial out of it.

Fantasy Football

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 01:44:00 +0000

Fantasy Football

Have you ever fantasized about your favorite football team getting a new player even though you knew it was impossible? No way! Me too!! We have so much in common!!! But I’m not just talking about landing that elusive free agent or picking up a late round gem in the draft. I’m talking about straight up fantasy. Literary linebackers, fake field goal kickers, and conjured up cornerbacks. I’m talking straight fiction.

If you were the owner of the Charlotte Charlatans, who would you sign to make a run for the Superbowl? Here’s my roster.

Head Coach – Morpheus (The Matrix)

Football gets emotional. If he can stay calm, cool, and collected during a surprise Sentinel attack, then he can rally the troops when his team is down at halftime. Plus, he sort of reminds me of Lovie Smith.

Offense:

Offensive Coordinator – Gandalf (Lord of the Rings)

To be the offensive general, you need to be a strong leader, a wise play-caller, and every once in a while, provide a little magic. Gandalf is your guy. The only downside is that he can be a little stubborn about his run-first philosophy. “YOU SHALL NOT PAAAASSSSSSSS!!”

Quarterback – Sunshine (Remember The Titans)

Strengths: Downfield Accuracy, Scrambling Speed, Dreamy Hair.

Weaknesses: Can’t execute a HB Toss, Questionably Homoerotic Locker-room Antics

Running Back – Pablo Sanchez (Backyard Football)

Pros: Best athlete of all time

Cons: Doesn’t speak English

Ethnicity: Short

Offensive Line – 300 Spartans (300)

With Leonidas at Center, these guys have proven that they can bring even the most enormous, terrifying, and physically deformed monsters from getting past them. They are tailor-made for blocking defensive linemen. Good luck getting to the quarterback.

Wide Receiver – Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)

Obviously, the kid can run. Plus, with his ping pong champion caliber hand eye and focus, he’ll snag everything Sunshine throws his way. Warning: His contract includes a 1 year sabbatical every other year for him to pursue personal endeavors. Endeavors may include, but are not limited to, the following: Becoming a war hero, binge-eating of chocolates, co-founding shrimp businesses, narrating his own life, choreographing signature dance moves, banging chicks way out of his league, and ruining perfectly good leg braces.

Defense:

Defensive Coordinator – Griphook the Goblin (Harry Potter)

Griphook knows how to run a defense. He defends the vaults at Gringotts with an impervious system of foolproof securities. It’s impossible to break in (Spoiler Alert: No, it’s not).

Defensive End – Rudy (Rudy)

Height: 5 ’ nothin ”

Weight: 100 pounds, nothin ounces

Heart? Yes.

Defensive Tackle – Jared the Subway Guy

He qualifies as fake due to my sneaking suspicion that he was never actually fat. His only proof is a doctored photo and a pair of jeans he stole from Jabba-the-Hut’s casual Fridays drawer. I want to sign this fictitious 500 pound fat-monger to clog up those running lanes as much as his arteries.

Linebacker – Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy)

He once got 11 sacks in a game!

Cornerback – Del Spooner (Will Smith’s character from I Robot)

A cornerback has to identify when the receiver is about to go deep. Mr. Spooner is so good at sniffing out trouble that he predicted a robot revolution by using only his base-less paranoid suspicions. Good luck fooling him with a halfback pass.

Safety – Smokey the Bear

Only YOU can prevent breakdowns in coverage.

Extras:

Cheer Captain – Ms. Tucker (Tracy Morgan’s character from The Longest Yard)

Team Spirit: A+

Creativity: A+

Gender: TBD

Cheerleading Squad – The Toros (Bring It On)

The Toros were awarded this position after narrowly beating out some tough competition. Sidebar: Their competition consisted of the squads from the four straight-to-video sequels of the Bring It On franchise.

Sponsor – Vandelay Industries (Seinfeld)

Announcer – Harry Doyle (Major League)

Stadium – The Pearly Gates (The Bible)

This will save time for players who would normally point to the heavens and/or go Tebowing.

The Top Athlete Presidential Candidates

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 21:11:00 +0000

Let's face it. American politicians suck. To steal a line from The Hunt for Red October, when they aren't kissing babies, they're stealing their lollipops. Terms like Washington outsider have become some candidates best asset. But really Washington outsider just means inexperienced politicians. Well, I assert that if you want the best Washington outsiders you should look to the community of American athletes. I assert that there is no group that the United States is more proud of than its athletes. Here are the best athlete candidates for president (after, of course, we pass the amendment making it possible to run for president before age 35):

Ron Artest: His name's about to be Metta World Peace. He'll bring peace to the middle east. If anyone can show a region how to change their violent ways, it's a man who once beat up the wrong Pistons fan after having a drink thrown at him.

Ricky Stanzi: the two best capabilities a president can have? The ability to field stupid questions and the ability to deliver a rousing GOUSA#1 peptalk. Here, the Chiefs QB shows both in thirty seconds. Imagine what he could do with 4 years.

Tim Tebow: With his religious fervor, he'll carry the bible belt. My guess is that he'll kill it in the primaries then get to the general election and find that he's way out of his league.

Antii Niemi: Sure, he may not technically be an American citizen, but with his glove speed, you can be sure that nobody's getting across the Mexican border.

J Leman: The former Illinois linebacker sure knows how to dress for the position.

The Nebraska-Iowa Rivalry, Named

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 04:10:00 +0000

This logical rivalry has been thrust upon the Hawkeyes by virtue of Nebraska entering the Big ~~Twelve~~ Ten. A trophy and name have yet to be crafted for this event. Sportswritten is here to help. Rick Reilly suggest naming it the Cornfrontation. Brilliant, but let's see if we can do better.

Names:
Farmageddon
Cornflict Resolution
The Cattle Battle
The Corntest
The StrHOGgle (admittedly forced, when you need capitals for people to understand your pun, something has gone horribly wrong)

And now, the flawlessly photoshopped trophy:

pictured: Kirk Ferentz with a gun, Bo Pelini yelling, corn

CONCACAF Gold Cup And Why You Should Care.

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 13:46:00 +0000

Look. I know you, Mr. American sports fan. You watch your baseball. If you live in the North, you watch your hockey. Of course, you'll watch basketball. And you haven't missed an NFL Sunday since 2003. Oh, and once every four years you'll watch a soccer game or two.

I'm here to tell you there is an important soccer tournament for the Americans happening right now. Stumptown Footy breaks it down more, well, thoroughly. But they use fancy words like world cup implications, automatic entry into the Confederations Cup, and qualifying. I'm not going to befuddle your mind with such European concepts. I'm going to base my argument off of one fact alone: bragging rights over Mexico.

If we concede that we are the inferior soccer team, it can and will only go downhill from there. From there, the Mexican economy will boom after they elect Dos Equis' most interesting man in the world president. The dollar will crash and Americans will be asking their bosses if they can be paid in Pesos, all leading to a Mexican invasion where the USA goes down in a swirl of taco-filled glory.

The following is a list of things Mexico is currently better than the USA at: poverty.

I know what you're thinking. Yes, I have taken my meds this morning.

Look. There is no sport where national pride is more a part of the game than soccer. And there may be no country that chooses to display more national pride than America.

I really don't think you'll be watching the 2011 American football world cup in Austria. USA won the last world cup in 2007 in OT over Japan (clearly, we send our best players).

The World Baseball Classic is alright, but many of the best players don't play and the USA hasn't finished in the top 3 in the WBC's history.

Olympic basketball is fun, but where's the competition?

If you're a patriot, you need to be watching soccer, the game that the entire world measures each other with.

USA vs. Panama semifinal is tomorrow (Wednesday) at 7 PM ET. Watch. Or take a dump on the American flag. The choice is yours.

(maybe, I did forget to take my meds...)

Big Ten-der

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Tue, 31 May 2011 23:30:00 +0000

The Big Ten Conference is now considering a new suggestion with regard to compensating student athletes. The proposal is that each player will receive a payment of between $2,000 - $5,000 per year for living expenses. The reasoning behind such an idea is that collegiate athletes, specifically football players, bring in so much revenue for their schools that they deserve some sort of compensation. And it’s true. The programs at schools like Texas, Florida, and USC bring in enormous profits for the university through TV contracts, ticket sales, and merchandise. As of now, collegiate athletes are strictly banned from benefitting financially from their sports. A star quarterback in a big football town may have an incredible season which results in millions of dollars for his school, but he won’t receive a dime, not from the fans who bought tickets just to see him, and not from the jerseys sold with his name on it. Since all the money is generated by the athletes who actually play the game, it seems that they should be entitled to a fair share. Nevermind the fact that every player at a Big Ten school, like Michigan, already receives free tuition for four years (the equivalent of about $200,000), tons of free equipment and gear, free travel and lodging around the country, and the opportunity to prove their talents to NFL scouts on a national stage.

Let’s move past whether this is right or not, because the more interesting discussion is what would happen if this proposal is approved? The most obvious result is that the Big Ten would have a big advantage in recruiting. Ohio State coach Jim Tressel can tell his best players that they will have plenty of money to pay for their tattoos. Penn State coach Joe Paterno can explain to new recruits how, back in World War I, $5,000 would have bought a house. This payment could cause some of that ESS EEE SEE speed to migrate up to the Big Ten. But money is just one of many perks that a university can give to an athlete. So what can the other conferences offer recruits to stay competitive?

1. College Credits

Football programs can get more players to commit to their schools by simply granting them credit in courses related to sports. Human Anatomy? Check. Anyone who can run the 40 yard dash in less than 4.4 seconds must have a deep understanding of the human body. Public Speaking? Check. If you can face a crowd of reporters in a press conference immediately after fumbling in overtime, then you’ve already learned more than the other students who presented their dioramas to the class. Physics? Check. You’ve already demonstrated your knowledge of projectiles when you launched your body into a helpless receiver running a crossing pattern. (That reminds me, you still might want to take that Human Anatomy class)

2. Make-A-Wish Day

Most of us know the Make-A-Wish Foundation for doing incredibly generous deeds for children with terminal diseases. They bring kids to meet their heroes or visit the place they’ve always dreamed of going. Why not do the same for the promising high school prospects? Maybe Auburn coach Gene Chizik will take the top rated high school linebacker to meet Jay-Z or set him up on a trip to see the set of Avatar 2.

3. $2,000-5,000 a year for entertainment purposes

Why confine the money you're giving to athletes to "living expenses"? Perhaps the MWC could shell out the same amount of money to football players but allocate it towards something that athletes would be more appreciative of. This way, Colorado State players could go out to the bars 5 nights a week, San Diego State players could pay for hookers after failing to get lucky, and BYU's athletes could splurge on lemonade for their bible study.

Fantasy Fill-in

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 22:21:00 +0000

With an NFL lockout next season turning out to be a scary possibility, it’s time that we start preparing a back-up plan for the demographic that has the most to lose: Fantasy Football players. As any dedicated fantasy player will tell you, going an entire season without gambling money and pride on a fortune-telling venture is unimaginable. For years we have channeled our bottled-up male aggression into athletes who play violent sports. We can’t just stop now. There would be riots in the streets. (And not the good kind, like celebrating a championship, or looting the royal castle.) So if the owners and players can’t find some way to adequately divide the profits of the most lucrative league in the nation by next fall, then we’re going to need a new population to follow religiously.

1. Fantasy Legislature

Imagine a fantasy draft with all the characters in the U.S. Legislature. If you think NFL receivers have eccentric egos, then you’ve never been to a district 29 taxpayer funded inauguration party. This band of 535 public servants is both diverse and rich. (By diverse I mean, from all 50 states. And by rich I mean….rich.) Football players simply can’t keep up with all the excitement of the nation’s legislatures. Forget 200 yard games, one-handed grabs, and impossible comebacks. We’re talking about top dollar prostitutes, illegitimate children, and unthinkable flip-flops.

Roster:
- Two Senators per team (max)
- Two Tea Party members per team (min)
- No bench players. We’re at war

The format for points is going to be a little different. Here’s an example:

Congressman

Representative of Nebraska 1st District:

Jeff Fortenberry (Rep)

Week 7 Stats Week 7 Points
Dollars Raised: $4,375 4
Bills Filibustered: 1 15
Babies Kissed: 3 12
Committees Appointed to: 1 10
Sex Scandals: 0 -4

2. Fantasy Talk Show Hosting
This is another exciting league possibility. The playing field here is smaller, so draft wisely. You’ll have your choice of white guys or older whiter guys. Talk show hosts are fascinating not only for their comedic talent and glowing personalities, but also because they give us the feeling that we too could do their jobs. Each day in this world is full of enthralling men and women from all corners of the human endeavor like actors, authors, athletes, and actors. Get ready to dominate your office league with unrelenting witty takes on current events.

Roster:
- One major network host
- One cable network host
- One foreign network host

Example:

Host

Jimmy Fallon

Week 4 Stats Week 4 Points
Monologue Laughs: 13 13
Strange Announcer/Sidekick Laughs: 3 6
Band Member Laughs: 8 0
Celebrity Impressions: 2 10
Audience Member Shout Outs: 1 15
Prop Failures: 3 -9

Credit: Scott Gantner

The Heatles

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 15:58:00 +0000

(Sportswritten wordplay correspondent Scott Gantner is back and at his finest with this piece.)

Lebron has dubbed the 2011 Miami Heat "the heatles". Can you find all 8 Beatles song titles in the following article?

The Miami Heat are a terrible team, right? At least, that’s what Sportscenter keeps trying to tell me. The rhetoric used on the Heatles is deserving of the 2008 Detroit Lions. Miami has been taking heat from the media eight days a week. They have no team chemistry, their bench players don’t contribute, and they’re terrible in close games. In games where the Heat have had a chance to win on the last shot, they’ve lost 15 of 16. This clearly indicates they need to come together and choose a designated leader. Sometimes Lebron takes the final shot, sometimes Wade, even Mario Chalmers has given it a go. After every loss, the analysts declare that Miami needs serious help.

But if all of this is true, and the Heat really are the worst thing since the plague and traffic, then you might be surprised to hear this stat.

The Miami Heat are 2 games back from leading the Eastern Conference.

It’s true, they are currently one of the best teams in the league. It almost seems impossible for this to be true. The only things we ever hear about the Heat are negative. I think the reason this is such a surprise is that we are in denial about how good they truly are. The fact remains that Dwayne Wade, Lebron James, and Chris Bosh are star players who have the talent to dominate a game on any given night. Do they have bad chemistry? Yes, but if they can stay with the top teams in the nation without it, then who cares? Their chemistry is only getting better. So what if they have the fewest bench points per game in the league. How many other teams have two players that average 25 points a game? Their record in close games is so abysmal that even the slightest improvement will vault them into first place.

Back when Lebron made The Decision, expectations for the Heat were something out of this world. It was the first time that two of the top 5 players in the league were going to be on the same team. They were supposed to be the best team ever. To carry that weight, the Heat would need to win 70 games a season. With such high hopes early on, it’s easy to see why some are disillusioned by the team’s performance. But let it be known that they haven’t failed yet. Even as a Bull’s fan, I feel fine admitting that the Heat are a team that’s more dangerous than building a city below sea level (too soon?).

So instead of railing on the Heat for all of their shortcomings, it’s time that we recognize that they are having a strong season, and understand their potential to win it all. Coming from someone who doesn’t even like them, don’t be surprised if they end up taking it to the Lakers in the championship. If this is as bad as the Heat can get, then I pray they never get good.

(Did you find all 8 song titles?)

2011 NCAA Tournament All-Name Team

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 16:55:00 +0000

Many accolades are handed out to the players of college basketball. I think it's time the parents got some acknowledgement. I've compiled a list of the best names in college basketball. These names are sometimes funny, sometimes badass, and always interesting. Here are the best names in the 2011 NCAA tournament:

Starters
G Dalton Pepper- West Virginia
Dalton Pepper is almost unquestionably the funniest name in the tournament. If I were his teammate I would walk up to him and give him a little shake, thus becoming the Dalton Pepper shaker.

G Ivory White- Alabama State
Would Ebony Black be as good of a name?

G Bradford Burgess- VCU
That's a name for parliament. It can only be bettered by adding Willhelm as a middle name and Perhaps making him the third. Bradford Willhelm Burgess III. Yup, that's it.

F Dallas Lauderdale- Ohio State
Without ever seeing Dallas Lauderdale, I would know not to mess with him. That's a badass name. Then, I find out he's 6'8" 260. Now I try to stay out of the same state as him and avoid the city of Dallas just for good measure.

F Colton Christian- Michigan
Christianity, a cult? Good work mr. and mrs. Christian.

Bench
Demertri McCamey- Illinois
Demetri McCamey is reclaiming the name Demetri from the nerds and seizing it for the athletes

Dmitri, backyard baseball Demetri, baller

Kevin Feeney- Xavier
It's Mr. Feeney's son! No? it's not. Well, still a legendary last name. Boy Meets World- quality show.

Demontez Stitt- Clemson
Put this one in the badass category. Names ending in z are generally good.

Dean Melchionni- Texas
Mel-key-own-eee. The name is smooth like milk. Dean is the perfect finishing touch.

Mike Broghammer- Notre Dame
I'm sure this last name will spawn many chants from the Notre Dame faithful if the sophomore becomes a good basketball player.

Venoy Overton- Washington
This name is sweet. His end of game decision-making against UNC? Well, that venoyed the heck out of me. My bracket was officially over...ton.

Pooh Williams- Utah State
His name is Poo. That's amazing.

Re-Write Reilly

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 00:56:00 +0000

Fill in the blanks of this Feb. 19^th article by ESPN’s Rick Reilly in the first installment of Sportswritten’s “Re-Write Reilly.” Submissions will be accepted in the comment section and my favorite will be subjectively declared the winner. The winner will receive tips on how to make a sportswritten t-shirt (hint: it involves a black marker and a white t-shirt).

Wrestling with conviction

DES MOINES, Iowa

year-old wrestler Cassy Herkelman doesn't need

Number

anybody protecting her from . She's broken her

Noun

, split her , deviated her ,

Body Part Body Part Body Part

wrecked her , all from .

Body Part Activity

She's about as as a .

Adjective Noun

She's her district's pony-tailed, 112-pound champion wrestler.

So why did her first opponent in the Iowa state high

school tournament

Competitive Activity in Iowa

default rather than her?

Verb

Because "wrestling is a(n) sport and it

Adjective

can get at times," said 16-year-old

Adjective

Joel Northrup, in a statement. "As a matter

Adjective Noun

of and my , I do not believe

National Concern Religion

that it is appropriate for a to a

Type of Person Verb

in this manner." Coming into

Type of Person

, the Cedar

Tournament Name

Falls had won 20 of 33 ,

Descriptive Noun Plural Noun

every one of them against .

Plural Noun

"We believe in the and of women,"

Noun Noun

the father told the , "full contact sport is not how to do that."

Newspaper

She became the first in the -year history of the Iowa

Type of Person Number

state wrestling tournament to a , but

Verb Noun

thanks to Northrup, it's forever splattered with .

Unpleasant Substance

The last I saw Northrup, he was crying. After the default, he entered the
consolation round, where he won his first , then

Noun Past-Tense Verb

a heartbreaker in , 3-2. He was done, with no chance

   Location
to                                 .
   Verb

Read the full unedited Rick Reilly article here:
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=6136707

Credit to Scott Gantner for this idea.

Here's our first submission, enjoy.

Wrestling with conviction

DES MOINES, Iowa

67 year-old wrestler Cassy Herkelman doesn't need

Number

anybody protecting her from Justin Bieber . She's broken her

Noun

spleen , split her eyeball , deviated her soul ,

Body Part Body Part Body Part

wrecked her Ursa Minor , all from crumping .

Body Part Activity

She's about as tough as a bag of kisses .

Adjective Noun

She's her district's pony-tailed, 112-pound champion wrestler.

So why did her first opponent in the Iowa state high

school crumping tournament

Competitive Activity in Iowa

default rather than plagiarize her?

Verb

Because "wrestling is a Mexican sport and it

Adjective

can get Guatemalan at times," said 16-year-old

Adjective

Balloon enthusiast Joel Northrup, in a statement. "As a matter

Adjective Noun

of 2^nd Amendment Rights and my Manson family worship, I do not believe

National Concern Religion

that it is appropriate for a Methodist to fondle a

Type of Person Verb

Costco employee in this manner." Coming into

Type of Person

Tyler Perry’s Big Momma 3: Iowa State Fair , the Cedar

Tournament Name

Falls Velociraptor had won 20 of 33 cage matches ,

Descriptive Noun Plural Noun

every one of them against mascots .

Plural Noun

"We believe in the observation and study of women,"

Noun Noun

the father told the Cedar Falls’ Yellow Pages, "full contact sport is not how to do that."

Newspaper

She became the first senior citizen in the four -year history of the Iowa

Type of Person Number

state wrestling tournament to win a grammy , but

Verb Noun

thanks to Northrup, it's forever splattered with Nickelodeon Slime .

Unpleasant Substance

The last I saw Northrup, he was crying. After the default, he entered the

consolation round, where he won his first Participation Ribbon, then lost

Noun Past-Tense Verb

a heartbreaker in Valley Forge , 3-2. He was done, with no chance

Location

to Defeat the Commies .

Verb

Cavs Lose Jamison for Season

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 23:59:00 +0000

Cue the music to sum up this season for the Cavaliers

As the rich get richer this week with the signing of Troy Murphy to the Boston Celtics, the poor are getting poorer. Like, Antoine Walker poor. Metaphorically, the Cavs may be pissing in McDonald's and sleeping on the sidewalk.

The Lebron-era Cavs once threatened to get into the history books with a Chicago Bulls-esque run of championships, and now they're in the history books for a much different reason: a record 26 game losing streak. Oh, but the suffering doesn't stop there.

Perhaps the only player on the Cavs worth keeping, Antawn Jamison has gone under the knife to fix his broken pinky and will be lost for the rest of the season.

The once championship-contending, now laughable Cavs have to ready themselves to play the San Antonio Spurs.

That's the 49-10 Spurs vs. the 11-48 Cavs without their best player.

I know I'll be watching.

David vs. Goliath? No. This is like David's little sister vs. Goliath.

BREAKING NEWS: Lebron traded to Cavs

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 22:06:00 +0000

Just kidding.

That'd be about the most surprising trade I could possibly think of. Though, today's Deron Williams to the Nets deal is nearly as surprising. No one saw this coming.

Nets get: Deron Williams
Jazz get: Derrick Favors, Devin Harris, 2 1st round picks

The Nets, a team completely out of the playoff picture, trade to get a superstar player in Williams while giving away current young talent and future young talent with the two first round draft picks.

The Jazz, a team in the thick of the Western playoff race (if the season ended today, they would be the 8 seed), trade away their most valuable player, seriously downgrade at the point guard position, acquire the raw hot-headed Derrick Favors who will certainly require a few years before he can be any good and 2 draft picks.

This trade goes against the logical trend of trades where the currently good players get traded to playoff teams and the promising young talent gets traded to the teams out of contention. From it's outward appearance, it seems like this deal could've waited for next year when the Nets can start over with a fresh record and the Jazz aren't in the middle of the playoff race.

For the Nets, it doesn't particularly matter whether or not they acquire Williams for this season or next season, because this season has already fallen victim to a 17-40 record. Any hopes for salvaging a birth into the playoffs has been lost.

However, for the Jazz, it is almost unthinkable that a team would trade away it's best player in the heat of a playoff race. Until, of course, you think about the circumstances.

Deron Williams has a contract that expires after next season. Someone within the Jazz organization must've sensed that Williams was not going to resign after next season. They certainly didn't want a Melo drama like the Nuggets suffered through this year. This was a preemptive strike by the Jazz.

With this trade, the Jazz are going to get worse, but perhaps the trade will payoff a couple of years from now if Favors develops and Harris gets back to playing at the all-star level. The new draft picks will help reinforce the depth of their roster even further into the future.

The Nets are building a team that people might actually want to go see, a stark contrast from the Nets teams of the past few years.

Overall, this trade will pay dividends to both teams. It's just a matter of the time frame in which these teams see those dividends. The Nets are looking to see them now. The Jazz are now looking to reshape their roster for a couple of years from now.

The Great NU Debate

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 17:40:00 +0000

As Adam Rittenberg outlines, there is a growing debate between Northwestern University and the University of Nebraska-Lincoln over who will get to use the much sought after NU abbreviation in the new Big 12 11 Ten. I've been a firm proponent of giving Northwestern a new abbreviation for years: NERDS. However, I'm against giving the new guys the abbreviation they want. Therefore, I submit that for one season Nebraska should play with the abbreviation CORN. It can be the Big Ten's way of hazing the new guy.

After the first year, Northwestern and Nebraska should have some sort of competition over the abbreviation. Although, they might have trouble agreeing to what that contest should be.

Northwestern might suggest:
- "whose parents have more money" contest
- research contest
- fencing
- "who has the better fight song" contest (for those that don't know, Northwestern's fight song is fantastic)
- "Armani and Brooks Brothers-wearing" contest

Nebraska might suggest:
- beer chug-off
- football attendance contest
- wrestling
- a campus-wide fistfight
- any sort of athletic contest
- "quantity of hot girls" contest

Pullen Pun Here

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 04:06:00 +0000

He's Pullen his own weight.
He's Pullen the Wildcats to victory.
He's Pullen K State back to the tournament.

However you want to say it (and many media outlets had their punny ways of saying it), Jacob Pullen was the man yesterday as Kansas State finally lived up to the wild expectations they had at the beginning of the year. The Wildcats came out with the energy that they have been lacking all year, jumping out to a 29-16 lead with 8:36 left in the 1st half and never letting that lead slip away. When the buzzer sounded, it was pandemonium on the court and an 84-68 score on the scoreboard.

This game has got me thinking, is Kansas State going to be the most compelling bubble team in years?

K-State has undeniable talent, but the fact is they've lost to suddenly decent Colorado twice, Oklahoma State, and UNLV among 5 other teams. None of those losses are unforgivable, but they beg the question of how this team can be expected to put together enough consistent performances in the tournament to make it deep into March. We'll find out a lot on February 28th when K-State travels to Austin to play the Longhorns that are in line to be number one in the country on Monday if they can keep up their winning ways.

That game will be pretty ironic, seeing as K-State has drawn comparisons to last years Texas basketball team. Though, perhaps those comparisons are unfair.

Recall that last year's Texas squad started the year at 15-0 before spiraling into mediocrity. This year's K-State started off the year failing to live up to expectations with 8 losses before February. Now, perhaps they're getting their shit together. Yesterday's blowout of #1 KU will certainly do a lot to gather said shit.

K-State is now staring at a probable 8 or 9 seed and a second round date with either Duke or Pitt (they won't be put in the same region as Texas or KU). And wouldn't a rematch with Duke do a lot to measure if this K-State team has improved?

Whoever K-State plays in the first round of the tournament, they will be overwhelming favorites in Vegas despite being a similar seed. I would not bet against them either.

Perhaps, this is a situation that's exactly the opposite of what we saw with Texas last year. Perhaps, Kansas State is finally finding out how to turn all of that talent into wins just in time. Perhaps, Jacob Pullen is going to finish the season playing like the superstar we expected him to be. Perhaps, you're tired of the word perhaps.

I think this team gets it done in March.

They'll need some help from Rodney MacGruder, Jamar Samuels, and Curtis Kelly.

Jacob can't be Pullen the whole team by himself.

Football Hangover Cured

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 05:21:00 +0000

For those of you out there who are struggling to cope with the fact that football is in fact over, tonight provided some wonderful medicine in the form of college basketball. Wisconsin battled back to get an overtime win over an Iowa team that was coming off back-to-back conference wins for the first time since 2007. Duke played terrible first half basketball against UNC, followed by an out-of-his-mind second half performance by Nolan Smith to get the Duke victory. Rutgers stunned Villanova on its home court. Notre Dame topped Louisville in overtime in a battle of 2 top 15 teams. Georgetown battled back late to get a road victory in Syracuse in yet another top 15 contest. Texas A&M won in overtime against Colorado. Yes, it's that time of year for the casual basketball fan to start watching college basketball so he can pretend to be knowledgable when filling out his bracket. Tonight should mark the night that everyone starts paying attention to what's been a truly interesting basketball season. As my old girlfriend once said, if tonight's events didn't get it up for you, I don't know what will...Wait...

Well, for those of you who haven't been paying attention, I'll give you some advice to help you beat my bracket come March.

1. This is the year a 16 seed beats a 1. College basketball has much more parody...
2. Texas still has no team chemistry. You remember when everyone said that last year, right? well, nothing's changed. At all..
3. The A-10 is deep with sleepers like most years. They haven't lost a beat...
4. The Big East is a weak basketball conference...
5. The Ivy League is stacked with athleticism this year. Yes, things change quickly, I know...
6. Jimmer Fredette will be ineligible for the tournament, so pick BYU to lose first round...
7. Every postseason game will be played in Utah this year. So if Utah makes the tournament, I'd probably pick them to win it all. Don't mind the 14 losses...flukes...
8. Due to the high elevation in Utah, jump shots will be hard to make so pick the teams without good guard play. It's not even important in the NCAA tournament anyway.
9. Leave parts of your bracket blank. It'll make you look smart. Just do it. Trust me. It makes sense if you don't think about it.
10. Write in teams that aren't actually playing in the games. If they manage to get into the game last minute, you get more points.

There. Now you're educated on what's going to happen in March. You'll probably even beat me if you follow my advice close enough. We'll talk about how much money you want to gamble come tournament time.

Wish List for Super Bowl XLVI

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 05:27:00 +0000

Clearly, there were some things wrong with the XLV edition of the super bowl. Here's my wish list for next year:

1. Alright, firstly, are you kidding me NFL? You give me an anthem sung by Christina Aguilera and the Black Eyes Peas? Do you have any idea who your fan base is? Your fan base is not 16 year old girls. Your fans are men that want to hear good rock music. Christina Aguilera botched the anthem and Black Eyed Peas was mostly what I expected- boring pop music. Give the NFL fan what he wants with a rock band like The Who or Aerosmith again. And don't make them play alongside Britney Spears!

2. I politely request that if you buy a ticket to the game, you should be able to attend it.

3. I do not want Joe Buck and Troy Aikman calling the super bowl. Joe Buck's a much better baseball announcer and Troy Aikman is utterly boring. Give me Jim Nantz and a CBS broadcast.

4. If it's going to be a Fox broadcast, give me more dancing robot. Every transition should have a dancing robot graphic. Also, make him do more than 2 different motions.

5. Take the godaddy.com ads off, easily the least funny/cool ad each year. They are so annoying, and I really can't imagine that it's a successful ad campaign. Does anyone really visit that website to watch "the unrated content?" I promise they aren't showing pornography on the domain name site. It's just an extended ad.

Elite Quarterback Class

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 05:10:00 +0000

I try to be as unbiased as possible when viewing sports, but I found it difficult at times on Sunday to withhold myself from cheering from the Packers. Mostly because I was absolutely sick of people referring to Ben Roethlisberger as an elite quarterback in the weeks leading up to the super bowl. ESPN pundits were talking about Roethlisberger in the same category as Brady, Manning, and Brees which is absolutely ridiculous. Roethlisberger is a winner- that much we know. However, much of his success is due to the team's he has been on instead of his own merit. Remember the super bowl against the Seahawks when he was dreadful yet they still managed to win? Roethlisberger had the chance to earn the credit for this super bowl victory. He was one two-minute drill touchdown away. However, it was abundantly clear that he's not the type of quarterback with the capabilities to lead an effective two-minute drill. Calling Roethlisberger elite is like calling Jeter an elite shortstop in today's game. Yes, they're winners but the stats just don't measure up.

Brady, Manning, Brees. That was the elite class last year. Now I think you have to add 2 guys to that class of superstars- Rivers and Rodgers. Phillip Rivers took a Chargers team that was depleted from injury all year and churned out unbelievable statistics. He managed to post a quarterback rating that was second only to the MVP Tom Brady. He also led the league in passing yards with 4710. Rivers joined the elite class this year. The only knock on him is that the Chargers missed the playoffs, but that was due to many factors that Rivers had no control over.

Rodgers won the super bowl, so he is an obvious candidate to move into the elite category. Rodgers had the 3rd best QB rating this year, behind Brady and Rivers. It became evident in the playoffs that Rodgers has an absolute cannon of an arm. I remember thinking during the super bowl after his receivers dropped all those balls how he is becoming more and more similar to Favre. Favre often threw balls so hard that his WRs could not maintain possession of the ball. While causing WRs to drop balls isn't exactly a positive quality, it points to his tremendous arm strength. The accuracy was also there. He threw perfectly placed balls into tight spots of coverage. Everything Rodgers did during the game was near perfect- from the movement of his feet up to his arm. Rodgers has been playing at this level for two years now, and it took a super bowl victory for the majority of people to realize that Rodgers is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL.

So tier 1 of quarterbacks has been extended this year to include Phillip Rivers and Aaron Rodgers.

The Recruiting Pitches of the Surprisingly Successful Classes

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 04:48:00 +0000

I've always stressed that caring about the recruitment process- what essentially amounts to underage kids showing off their muscles- is creepy. In general, SEC fans are creeps, following there favorite local defensive end home and explaining that Auburn has better barbecue than Tuscaloosa. However, some creeps also have a computer. They friend the high school recruit on facebook and tell him LSU has really really hot girls, like, I promise. You're still a creep if you have a membership to rivals.com and look at pictures of juniors/sophomore/freshman in high school. However, now that all ink is on the paper (sort of), it's fair to have some discussion. Basically, the teams you'd expect are at the the top, but there are some surprises that lead me to question some players' judgement.

Florida State- Florida State got the 3rd best class in the country. Not bad for a team that hasn't won the ACC since '03.
Pitch that wasn't used: "You don't happen to kick field goals too, do ya?"
Pitch that was used: "So there's this website I think you should check out."

Texas- 5-7, bowl-less Texas managed the 4th best class.
Pitch that wasn't used: "Well, we fought back really hard against Iowa State and almost had 'em."
Pitch that was used: "Clearly, there's opportunity to play immediately."

Clemson- perennially average Clemson hauled the 5th best class.
Pitch that wasn't used: "Well, we usually start off every year pretty well..."
Pitch that was used: "We get to wear orange uniforms and we have a rock and a hill."

USC- sanctioned USC pulled in the 6th best class.
Pitch that wasn't used: "We had this running back. He averaged almost 10 yards a carry...his name?...oh, it doesn't matter."
Pitch that was used: "Let me take you around campus. Males tend to enjoy the sights..."

Notre Dame- ND still gets the 11th best class.
Pitch that wasn't used: "We're almost always in the top 15 in recruiting...Why don't we win? Well, I just got here, that's not my fault..."
Pitch that was used: "COME HERE OR GOD WILL SMITE YOU."

North Carolina- UNC football does well with the 12th class.
Pitch that wasn't used: "Well, we had a good defense until they all got suspended..."
Pitch that was used: "Powder blue! Sure we call it baby blue, but we're like the Chargers. I bet Phillip Rivers wishes he came here instead of State now- could've been an all-time great college and pro powder blue wearer."

Washington- Sarkisian gets the 15th best class.
Pitch that wasn't used: "We turn great quarterbacks into bad quarterbacks!"
Pitch that was used: "It's easy to win when you only care about one game! We're 2-0 in my time at Washington. Take that USC."

Louisville- Miraculously, Louisville pulls the 22nd best class.
Pitch that wasn't used: "We made the Beef O'Brady's Bowl last year!...almost won it."
Pitch that was used: "Why come here?....ummmm..uhhhh....well, I wasn't really prepared for that question...OH! We have phenomenal fried chicken!"

(All rankings are from here.)

I'm shocked Penn State didn't make the top 25. Who could say no to this?:

No, MVP not Rose

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 05:08:00 +0000

As a neutral NBA observer, I most certainly want it to be. Nobody wants the MVP to be Lebron James. Everyone wants the youthful, fresh breakout player that's leading the Bulls back to playing quality basketball to be crowned the best in basketball. Everyone wants the hometown hero who got to stay home and play basketball in Chicago with only a short six-month vacation to Memphis in between his high school and NBA career. Perhaps that sentiment is valued even more highly now that Lebron spurned his homestate to take his talents to South Beach. Rose is by all accounts a great guy who does a lot for the Chicago community. People try to trick you into thinking Derrick Rose is the MVP with non-basketball related facts, and I think most people are trying to trick themselves.

It would just be so cool...

All you have to do is watch the games and it's obvious that Lebron is the best player in the game.

Most glaringly, Rose is not in the top 5 of any major statistic- Points, assists, rebounds, steals, blocks...nope, nope, nope, nope, and hell no. He dished out less assists than 9 more generous point guards, he's been outscored by 6 more prolific players, and been outstolen by 70 better defenders. That seems like statistics that would automatically disqualify any candidate from the MVP conversation. I did a little research, and it turns out that no one has ever won the MVP without being in the top 5 in points, rebounds, or assists. So there goes that.

"But, did you see this highlight!"

"WHERE'S MY POSTER MACHINE!"

Impressive, yes. It doesn't make you an MVP candidate. Stacey King, the Bull's color commentator, is doing his best job replacing Ron Santo as Chicago's (and the country's) most homerific announcer. If you crave more of Stacey King's voice, click here and you can make him say whatever you want (as long as you want him yelling about the Bulls).

For all the fun provided by highlights of Derrick Rose accompanied by Stacey King's jubilant factory of overused basketball cliches, I can't call what I see an MVP. I know who the best basketball player is. You know who the best basketball player is. We just don't want to admit it.

Jay Cutler and Classifying Bears Fans

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 23:02:00 +0000

Let me start this article with a word exercise. I'll say something, and then you think of what comes to your mind first.

God...

Health Care...

Jay Cutler...

Alternative Energy...

The thing is, most people had already made up their minds on all of these things prior to Sunday. I could've cooked Jesus into my pancake on Sunday, but that would not have made me convert to Christianity. I think most Bears fans who have already decided that they just don't like Jay Cutler could've seen Jay win the game yesterday playing on an injured knee and still dislike him if he made any mistakes later (which quarterbacks are bound to do), say, in the super bowl. There are fans that just don't like him- maybe it's just his face?

What I've noticed from the many Bears fans that I know from my time living in Chicago is that there are two groups of fans in Chicago.

The happy-go-lucky fans are glad that Cutler took the team this far and they don't blame him for the loss. They like Cutler for his aggressive gunslinger mentality and think he's a decent enough quarterback. They are disappointed that the Bears lost, but these fans are moving on, counting down the days until pitchers and catchers report for spring training and the Cubs win the World Series. "This is the year," they say.

Then, there is the angry Bears fan with a vendetta for Jay Cutler. This Bears fan feels the need to blame someone for the loss, because he can't simply admit that the Packers were the better team-- that would be the grownup thing to do. This fan is no grownup. This fan thinks Jay Cutler gave up. Yes, his knee was banged up, but this fan thinks a real football player plays through this injury. This fan thinks he has a right to see the Bears in the Super Bowl, and Cutler took that away from him. This fan has seen Jay Cutler answer questions to the media-- the evasiveness, the lack of eye contact, the condescending answers. This fan thinks athletes need to be likable figures, and Jay Cutler is not that. "This was the year," they say, "but Jay Cutler blew it."

Look, the thing about Cutler is that I don't know him, and neither does random Bears fan. He seems to be an evasive guy with a bad personality, but the only reason I have for saying that are his press conferences and what I've heard from other media members. The media hates this guy. Rick Reilly wrote 2 weeks ago, "For a man from Santa Claus, Ind., Jay Cutler is one of the least jolly people you've ever met." But I don't know anything about Jay Cutler. For all I know, he's a guy who's very nice to the people around him and happens not to care what people he doesn't know think of him. The point is that I don't know, and the impulsive Jay Cutler slander needs to stop.

He got hurt. He couldn't play. The Bears had statue-quarterback Todd Collins (SIDE NOTE: I'm inventing a drink called the Todd Collins. It's exactly like a Tom Collins except that the bartender glues it to the bar so it can't move) playing backup. That didn't work out. They brought in Caleb Hanie who did a respectable job, except for losing sight of B.J. Raji in coverage, which is sort of like losing sight of a bowling ball in a vat of marbles.

So, Mr. angry Bears fan, take a deep breath before you call for Caleb Hanie to start at quarterback next year. Cutler's an above-average quarterback that took the Bears back to relevance this year.

Instead of Cutler-slandering, maybe you should just have a drink to the large step forward the Bears took this year. Todd Collins' for everyone! You'll have to come over here though because its glued to the counter.

Exposing the Lies of College Basketball

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 07:06:00 +0000

Recently, I was looking through the ESPN men's basketball standings page to see each team's record all on the same page. I was startled at what I found.

Perhaps, you're aware that Texas Christian University will be joining the Big East Conference due to their football success. This was the first time I had become aware of the geographical joke that conferences are becoming. Basketball, however, is giving me a whole new perspective on how widespread the issue is. Seeing the teams in these conferences makes me think perhaps we should scrap geographical descriptions for conferences in favor of different adjectives. All teams are welcome in the Superawesome conference. The B1G 10 and Big XII have the idea, but why doesn't someone top them. I would go play for a school in the Massive 10. The chief culprit of these geographical lies is the Great West.

As a conference name, Great West really is one of the better conference names in college basketball. "Great" is obviously better than "Big," which only describes the size of a conference. However, in most cases, "Big" conferences are no bigger than other conferences. In this way, The Great West easily has the Big West one-upped. The name is only beaten by Conference USA, because AMERICA. The USA is better than great. One must delve a little to deeper to see why the Great West is full of liars and cheaters.

I think I got the wrong logo

There, that's better

The following are the basketball schools in the Great West: Utah Valley (well, ok, that's sort of west...it's in the west half of the country), South Dakota (okay, they're pushing it. and there is nothing great about South Dakota), North Dakota (well, if they included South Dakota, they might as well go one state north too), Texas Pan-American (okay, they're all over the place here, but still, it's the Western half), Chicago State (umm...it's....uhh...in the mid-west, right?), Houston Baptist (ok, now they're just making up schools), New Jersey Institute of Technology (......are you shitting me?)

At Sportswritten, we take things to the next level. I was dissatisfied with being lied to. I went straight to the source. I'll translate.

The Great West Conference is made up of 10 intercollegiate institutions that range geographically from New Jersey to Texas to California.

The Great West is made up of 10 schools that couldn't find a different conference that wanted them to join.

The 10 member schools are spread out over seven states and four time zones, giving each school added exposure - both in terms of media and recruiting - in new destinations.

These schools are spread apart, making traveling for conference games more expensive than the schools' average athletic budget of $17.42

The conference affiliation also generates much interest within the 10 institutions' substantial alumni base.

The guy who moved away from New Jersey Institute of Technology after college because he hated it can now see his terrible past follow him to Utah, Texas, or wherever else he may try to escape

The conference, which began as a football-only league

It was flag football

Joining the league on July 10, 2008 were Houston Baptist University, New Jersey Institute of Technology, University of North Dakota, University of South Dakota, Texas-Pan American and Utah Valley University. Chicago State accepted the league's invitation to join in October, 2008. These seven schools joined football only members Cal Poly, UC Davis and Southern Utah University to make up the 10-member league.

The conference only had 3 teams at one point. We still called it a conference even though a more accurate term would have been "club." Like a book club, the conference was a football club.

Conference competition began on Sept. 4, 2004 with UC Davis scoring a 52-0 win over South Dakota State and Northern Colorado notching a 15-13 win over North Dakota State.

South Dakota State really sucks.

The Great West Conference recognizes student-athletes on both a weekly and full-season basis. Individual awards include Players of the Week; All-Conference teams; an Academic All-Conference team; and Player, Newcomer and Coach of the Year awards. The league also crowns team champions for both regular season and post-season competition.

It's like youth soccer, everyone gets a trophy.

When ESPN 30 for 30 does a piece on this travesty, I want you to remember where you heard it first.

Damn, it Feels Good to be a Shurna

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 05:54:00 +0000

For those who have yet watch a Northwestern basketball game, you are missing out. John Shurna and company has the Wildcats out to a 12-5 start, staring at the possibility of making the NCAA tournament for the first time in school history. Michael "Juice" Thompson, Luka Mirkovic, and Shurna have formed an unstoppable trio of athleticism spawning the now famous phrase, "takin' my talents to E-town." E-town, of course, referring to the basketball mecca of Evanston, IL, home of the Northwestern Wildcats. I had a chance to sit down with this dynamic group of athletes.

Me: John, I want to start with you. What is being a Northwestern Wildcat like?

Yo maan, bein' a Wildcat is some dope-ass shit. We got duh hottest chicks dis side uh Harvad. Errabody be rollin down duh street in dem lamboginis.

Me: Right, now Luka, how have you flourished in the Princeton-style offense that Northwestern runs?

ME LUKA EAT FISH FOOD (proceeds to eat fish food)

Luka hasn't really familiarized himself with American culture yet. Plus, he never went to school in Serbia. He just recently learned his name.

Me: How can he understand such an intricate offense as the one you guys run without any intelligence?
If you watch closely, there's always a coach on the baseline with a can of fish food tied to a string running around directing Luka where to go. He always chases the fish food. Then when someone passes the ball to him, the coach puts the fish food by the basket in an attempt to make Luka put the basketball through the hoop. Luka really likes fish food. I think it's a popular food in Serbia.

Me: Wow, that's a brilliant system. But what stops Luka from running off the court to get the coach with the fish food?
We tell Luka that the purple out of bounds line is lava, and if he steps on it, he will die.

Me: Brilliant. So John, people call your shooting form "unconventional." I personally think it looks like you're trying to change an imaginary dirty diaper on the ball while simultaneously shooting, but it has lead to an unbelievable 55% 3-point shooting percentage. How did you learn to shoot like that?
Son, I just ball. I ball harder than any playa eva balled befoh.

Me: Luka, people have called you the Chris Bosh of the trifecta, What do you think about that?
ME FISH SAUCE?

Me: No, Luka, I compared you to Chris Bosh, not fish sauce.

LUKA WANT FISH SAUCE TO PUT ON FISH FOOD! (throws chairs, bangs chest)

Me: Micheal, some people call you "Juice." Why to they do that?
Well, it started when I came to Northwestern. I came here thinking I would find a bunch of level-headed guys on the basketball team, because Northwestern University is one of the best institutions of higher learning in the country. I found that everyone on the team is batshit insane. Kevin Coble, who recently quit the team, always threw feces at teammates. Alex Marcotullio wears a penguin costume wherever he goes. John Shurna acts like a thug. Everyone has a thing. Apparently, I'm the only sane person to ever choose to play for Northwestern basketball. Then, one day, Luka called me Juice. I think he just wanted juice to rinse the taste of fish food out of his mouth, but the name stuck.

(Shurna takes out his gun)

Me: Shurna, what are you doing!?
Gimme dat wallet in yo pocket

(I give him wallet)
(John Shurna runs away)
I've learned not to carry anything valuable when John's around. He does that every day.

Jets: Love them or Hate them? Love them.

noreply@blogger.com (Connor Rundall) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 09:23:00 +0000

So the Jets are kind of assholes. But as Kanye West has so eloquently pointed out, perhaps we should have a toast to them.

In a world where no one wants to criticize or insult another team in fear of giving them "bulletin board material," there exists a group of men who goes against this culture. There exists a group of men that takes a huge dump on the widely-accepted values of modesty and humility. And I love it.

In New England, it was like the calm before the storm. No one said anything hateful. Each player was fielding questions from the media, "the right way." Wes Welker was even benched for the first series for mentioning feet repeatedly to reporters, a nebulous way of taking a shot at Rex Ryan's wife's foot fetish videos. By suspending Welker for his comments that are nothing in comparison to Cromartie's comments, Belichick's conveys that his team has a modest identity, the way Belichick wants it.

In the rematch of the 45-3 shellacking in New England, the Jets showed in the week before the game that they hate the Patriots. The Patriots quarterback is an asshole and Rex Ryan has a personal vendetta against Bill Belichick.

The Jets speak their mind. They aren't afraid of exuding the mythical "bulletin board material" (I guarantee there is no bulletin board in the Patriots locker room with Rex Ryan quotes on it). They aren't afraid of speaking the truth. While to some observers the Jets appear plainly to be a group of assholes, to me they are just a group of men that are honest. Honest in speech and honest in action. They said what they were thinking before the game, and when they clinched the victory with Shonn Greene's touchdown run with 1:41 remaining, they celebrated how it was natural to celebrate. Shonn Greene slept in the endzone with the ball as his pillow (putting the Patriots to sleep, it's quite a brilliant celebration) while Rex Ryan sprinted full speed (granted Rex Ryan running full speed is akin to Plaxico Burress thinking at full speed) toward the endzone to celebrate with his players. Both of those actions are clear penalties. All the while, Braylon Edward's is running around with his arms out like an airplane. Excessive? yes. Gracious? no. Honest? yes.

It's truly refreshing to see a team that speaks it's mind like the New York Jets. It's even better when they back it up. The Jets level of hate for their rivals is no different than other rivalries. I highly doubt Lovie Smith and Mike McCarthy go out to movies together on the weekends, but I don't think the Bears head coach will display a personal vendetta towards the Packers head coach in the coming week. I would bet Brian Urlacher and Aaron Rodgers aren't playing Madden 11 at Urlacher's place before the game, but I know Urlacher won't call Rodgers an asshole, even if he may think it. The Jets are unique because they have an attitude that they are going to express what they feel, even if what they feel may be controversial.

So you have to love the Jets for their candor and pure entertainment value. Unless you're a Patriots fan. Then, of course, you hate the Jets.

This kind of behavior is not new within the Jets' organization; it's in the their history. Quarterback Joe Namath controversially guaranteed victory over the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III. Maybe New York just breeds this say-what's-on-your-mind behavior.

He's just trying to feed his family

Sportswritten

25 Cent per Bet Tax: How Illinois Democrats Fumbled the Ball on Legal Sports Betting

4th and Goal - College Football Week 3 Review Podcast

Celebrations: A User's Guide

Tennis

Golf

Champagne? No. Think about your audience watching at home. Rich white men willfully wasting expensive alcohol at a private country club might come off a bit 1 percentish.

Hockey

Olympics

*Fantasy* Football

The Top Athlete Presidential Candidates

The Nebraska-Iowa Rivalry, Named

CONCACAF Gold Cup And Why You Should Care.

Big Ten-der

Fantasy Fill-in

The Heatles

2011 NCAA Tournament All-Name Team

Re-Write Reilly

Cavs Lose Jamison for Season

BREAKING NEWS: Lebron traded to Cavs

The Great NU Debate

Pullen Pun Here

Football Hangover Cured

Wish List for Super Bowl XLVI

Elite Quarterback Class

The Recruiting Pitches of the Surprisingly Successful Classes

No, MVP not Rose

Jay Cutler and Classifying Bears Fans

Exposing the Lies of College Basketball

Damn, it Feels Good to be a Shurna

Jets: Love them or Hate them? Love them.

Fantasy Football