Words hurt more than a blow to the jaw. And its even harder for us because it took me so long to come out of the denial that i was in that he was truly unhappy about things that have been said between us. i don’t want to give up but as the days go by and i feel the distance between us, even when making love i feel it. I feel it when i rollover at night to caress him only to find that he is awake, in his office, talking to people (female)on Facebook or giving himself a hand while watching porn. i feel like I’ve lost all his attention and all his sweetness. There is this wall between us right now and i cant help but feel that hes more comfortable, more happy, more wanting to keep that wall up. I know hes mad and hurt but I’m just ready for him to get over it so we can move on. But we cant move on till he gets over it.  (   ~Desiree

A: Oh sweetheart. My heart hurts as I read this. Your pain is so huge.

The Wall: To dismantle the wall that has built up between you two will take time, patience, and work. I coach couples through exactly this kind of situation. It is best done with outside support, but the right support is hard to find. Email me at venus@HealMyFamily.com and we can schedule a free 30-min consultation, so you can decide if relationship coaching sounds right for you.

Meanwhile, here’s what I can share in this limited space: See if you can get him to tell you what he’s feeling. The wall that’s built up is mostly on his side. If he gets the chance to take each of those bricks of stored up pain, and share them with you without judgment or defense, he will most likely start to soften.

Sweetheart, this is where your inner work will happen, for you will have to make this a one-way conversation. HE needs to be heard. He needs to know that you completely get how deeply he has been hurt by your words. This would require you to not explain, defend, or contradict anything he says about how he feels or what he experienced with you.

Your job would be to let him get it out, receive it, thank him for sharing. You may also simply repeat back to him what he said, so he’s clear that you are hearing him. You may be able to work in an, “I’m sorry,” but not more than that. Let his feelings and experiences fill the room and hang there. Let them just be, don’t try to fix them.

Be strong. What he’s talking about is in the past. It cannot hurt you. The intensity of his pent up feelings will not destroy you. Remember, he’s talking about HIMSELF and what HE felt. Even if he’s talking about what you did, he’s not talking about YOU. Especially not the new you, because you’ve said yourself, you were in denial back then. You were a different person back then. Use this opportunity to learn about who you were and the effect you had on him. But don’t take offense, because that’s not you anymore. That was a completely different person.

See if you can schedule these healing talks once a week. Tell him that you simply want to hear him tell you how hurt and angry he’s been about what you said in the past. You want to completely understand his side of the story. You don’t intend to answer back with your side at all. Just listen.

Start each healing talk by asking, “Tell me about an incident where I said something that upset you?” Follow with questions like, “What happened, exactly? What did you do? What did I say? What did you feel after I said it? What were you thinking about me after I said it? What did you assume that I meant? What did you want most in that moment? On a scale of 1-to-10, how upset were you? Was there a time when you were little that you ever felt that same way? What happened back then?”

When he’s done, you can ask, “Is it ok if I tell you what I heard, just to be sure I got it?” Then say back what you heard - in HIS words. Ask, “Did I miss anything? Is there anything you wanted me to hear that I left out?” Let him restate what you missed. Then you restate it.

End by saying, “Thank you for sharing that. It might have been hard for you to say. It was definitely hard for me to hear. But I love you, and I’m so sorry that I hurt you that I really need to understand the depth of your pain to make sure I never hurt you like that again.” Let him know you’re looking forward to hearing about a different incident (or the same one) next week.

He might think it’s crazy. You might think it’s crazy. But those bricks can only dissolve if he feels heard. Like you said, “We can’t move on till he gets over it.” This is the biggest way to help with that.

Love and peace to you, Desiree,
Venus

p.s. If you want help with this, just email me.

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The other day, my son Buddy (12), was upset about something that happened at a friend’s house.  He was freely expressing his frustration at how kids’ disputes were handled, how younger siblings were catered to even when they were being obnoxious.  You know, typical stuff.

At first I did my usual thing:  Asked questions.  Allowed him to verbalize his feelings.  Asked him to locate those feelings in his body (as in, “When the little brother does that, and you start to feel angry, how does that anger feel in your body?”).

Then, before I knew it, I started offering my two cents.  “You may want to try this…” and “Look at it this way…”

It’s so easy to slip into advice-giving.  It’s so habitual to think, “Got it!  I know where this should go.  Let’s cut to the chase.  I’ll tell you what you need to know to make this situation better.”

I noticed that he wasn’t…shall I say “receiving”…my suggestions.  He kept saying what he was saying.

Then I noticed my slight frustration and checked in with myself.  “Venus,” I thought, “Are you really expecting him to shift gears and say, ‘Ah, yeah…you’re right.  I didn’t see it that way before.’”

I recognized that yes, indeed, I was waiting for him to be changed by my wisdom.  Then I laughed at myself.  My son wasn’t looking to be changed.  He was looking to be heard.

We all hate it when we’re just trying to vent…to articulate what we’re feeling so we can see it more clearly…and the person we’re venting to starts trying to “fix” the problem.  “You should do this.  Why did you do that?”

It’s infuriating for us as adults.  Why would we think it’s any different for kids?

If we want our kids to build their own “Insightful” muscles, and not just rely on others’ advice, we must support them with questions rather than answers.  The stronger their capacity for “Insight” and “Empathy,” the better decisions they’ll make we’re not around.

I returned my attention to my son during that conversation.  I listened more deeply, and started asking questions.

• What do you imagine the little brother wanted?
• What did you sense that he was feeling?
• Have you ever felt that way as a little brother?
• What did you want to say, but didn’t?
• How do you wish things had gone?
• What could you do or bring next time that might help things go more smoothly?

He seemed to feel relaxed, heard, and validated.  He stopped repeating himself, because he knew I “got it.”

When conversations go like this, I sense him feeling closer to me, rather than more distant.  I imagine that he feels understood and not judged.  He doesn’t hear me wishing he were different.  He hears me respecting his right to feel the way he feels.

Parenting can be one huge ego trip!  Just because we’re bigger and older, we can get carried away with believing that we must thrust our wisdom upon our little ones.

Often, what’s best is to help them tap into their own wisdom, by sharing more questions than answers.  This teaches them to self-reflect, tune into their own inner guidance, and be led by values of empathy and compassion.

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Q:  My husband can’t forgive me for betraying his trust.  It has been 3 years.  I don’t know what else to do.

A:  Let it go.

It can be painful when others do not feel what we want them to feel - love, tenderness, forgiveness.  But it only hurts as long as we focus on what we cannot control.

There is nothing you can do to change what your husband feels.  He, too, is focusing on what he cannot control - the past, you, and your actions in the past/present/future.

When we focus on what we cannot control, we can’t help but feel pain.  Continuing to do so just leads to more frustration.

Instead, focus on what you can control and on what you want to feel.

What can you control?  Your actions and your thoughts.  Act in loving ways toward YOURSELF and toward him.  If he won’t forgive you, then YOU forgive you.  Shower yourself with the tenderness you seek from him.

Think about what makes you feel good.  Thinking about his unforgiveness doesn’t feel so great?  Then stop focusing on it.  Focus, instead, on things that bring your heart joy:  the favorite part of your job, your favorite hobby, your fun friends.

As you radiate love and joy, it’ll be hard for anyone NOT to feel attracted to you (your husband included) - and not just romantically.

If your husband wants to bring up the past, create a phrase that rolls off your tongue, and simply repeat it anytime the subject comes up.  Something like, “I was wrong.  I hurt you.  I’m sorry.  But from now on, I’m focusing on love.”

If he wants to miss the Love Party, that’s on him.

~ He can either happily join you in the present, or stay miserably stuck in the past.
That’s his choice.  What you focus on is your choice. ~

If he questions you every time you leave the house, answer his questions without reacting to the assumptions you sense underneath them.  You have nothing to hide.  You don’t have to feel judged.  You can choose to see it as “Ooh, he has a passionate interest in me.  He loves and misses me so much, he wants to know how I spend every minute of the day.” (How you feel is determined by how you interpret what is happening.)

If you prefer not to answer a litany of questions, say so.  “Honey, when you asked that question, I felt a wave of anger rush over me.  I said to myself, ‘He doesn’t trust me.’  If that’s true, even answering your questions won’t fix it.  So it may anger you, but I am choosing not to answer questions like that anymore.”

[If the woman who submitted this question truly lives in Africa, the following paragraph may or may not be culturally relevant.  You be the judge.  If not, my apologies.]

Determine how long you can stay committed to someone who sends you negative energy.  Tell him honestly and lovingly, “I’ve decided our relationship must feel better than it does now within the next 6 months.  If it doesn’t, I’ll have to move out for a few months.  This negative energy feels draining to me.  So let’s give it our best shot at resolving this, ok?”

In the end, how he feels is up to him.  What you feel and what you do is up to you.  Neither of you can control each other.

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I tried and tried to keep this one targeted to women as I’ve done with the other four.  But when it comes to “Acts of Service,”  traditionally, women don’t need prompting.  We can do “Acts of Service” in our sleep.

However, IN GENERAL (there are exceptions), it’s our men/partners/husbands/boyfriends who could use a little schooling on “How to Show Love Through Acts of Service.”

It’s not that men don’t love - they love powerfully.  It’s just that our culture doesn’t train them (the way it trains us) to think, “What can I do to brighten this woman’s day, to help her out with all that she does?”  Typically (there are exceptions), men are taught that earning money and having sex are great ways to express love.

Too often, we women feel unloved and under-appreciated.  We feel taken for granted.  We feel alone.  And our men scratch their heads wondering, “Why are you complaining so much?”

So, gentlemen, this one’s for you.

Ladies, cut and paste this list in an email to your man, with asterisks beside the ones you like most.

Or, better yet, have a conversation with him that starts like this, “Sweetheart, I love you so much.  And I am incredibly grateful for your love.  I have a few requests that, if you could do just 1 or 2 of them, would help me to feel so much less alone and so much more connected to you…”

Then share with him the 3 or 4 items from the list below that, if he did just 1, would really feel like “love” to you.

10 Ways to Show Love Through Acts of Service

1. Wash or Clean one thing - Her car, the kitchen floor, a chaotic closet.  So often, a woman juggling lots of roles - mother, daughter, wife, friend, employee, boss - just can’t get to EVERYTHING.  The smallest assistance would help her feel so loved.  (Cleaning things always falls to the bottom of my To Do list.  In college, both my best girlfriend and my soon-to-be husband washed my car (at different times) just because.  It felt more loving than any physical gift.)
2. Massage or Backrub - Doesn’t have to be professional quality.  Doesn’t have to last more than 5 minutes.  Just the feel of your hands on her back would melt away the stress of the day.  (My man’s big hands on my small back remind me of his strength and my femininity - a real turn on.)
   
3. Meet and greet - Men, when you come home from work…if she’s already there…take the 30 minutes or so you need to decompress.  Then ask her, at least once a week, “What could I do that would help you most right now?”  A few times a week would be even better.  But even once a week would be a huge help.
4. Share the load - Doing work together makes any job less burdensome.  Laundry, dinner, envelope stuffing, sorting Legos to sell on Ebay - just move in beside her and pitch in.  Often a woman is turned on by simply not feeling alone in everything she does.
5. Volunteer your strength - What is “play” for you may be “work” for her.  If you have a knack for balancing the budget and she hates doing the bills, then YOU do them.   If you’re naturally more organized, or a great cook, and she struggles with these things, then YOU take on those roles in the house.
6. Run an errand for her while you’re out - Before you get home, at least once a week, call and ask her if she needs anything.
7. Do the same (#6) in the house - Just say, “I’m heading to the kitchen, can I get you anything?”
8. Take the kids - If your partner is the primary care giver for the kids, she may be worn out DAILY.  Raising children works muscles that you can’t see.  It can be exhausting.  If she’s with the kids more than you are, show your love for her by taking them off to do something fun once in a while, leaving her in a quiet, peaceful house to do whatever she pleases.  Or choose to be the one that gets them ready for bed.  [NOTE:  You'll stress her out more if you're harsh with the kids.  Make them happy and you'll make her happy.]
9. Send her away - Ask her if she’s the type that would enjoy a get-away.  Then plan a day (or weekend) when you’ll manage everything at home and let her go off and do whatever would rejuvenate her.  Even 3 hours, to just read a book or hear her own thoughts, can feel like a good break.
10. Make or Order food - Again, if she’s the one who normally works to feed everybody, take that responsibility on once or twice a week.

With most women I know, little acts like this would go a long way.

Here’s how you’ll know if “Acts of Service” is your partner’s love language:  You’ll hear her saying things like, “I could really use your help around here,” or “I feel like I do everything,” or even, “How could I possibly want sex right now when I’m so worn out?”

If this is her love language, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been showing her love in other ways…she won’t feel it.  Her love tank will be empty.

Fill her love tank and YOURS will overflow.

*   *   *

Ladies, what other “Acts of Service” help you to feel truly loved and connected?

Comment below.

*   *   *

Read all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service

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One secret about Love Languages:  You can often tell what someone’s primary love language is by the ways they try to express love.

In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman explains that if your partner TELLS you how much he loves you, chances are, HIS primary love language is “Words of Affirmation.”  If he surprises you with gifts, it may mean that HIS love language is “Gifts.”

Learning about Love Languages, you’ll be able to explain to your sweetheart YOUR primary love language so he can get better at filling your love tank.

Meanwhile, if you suspect that your partner’s primary love language is “Gifts,” here are a few ideas.  Remember, gifts don’t have to cost a thing.  They are simply a token to show that you’re thinking of that person when he/she is not around.

10 Ways to Express Love with Gifts

1. Notes - Write little notes like, “I love you,” or “You make me smile,” or “Thanks for last night.”  Write them in the snow, on a post-it near his shaving equipment, or in a kitchy little e-card.
2. Wrap ANYTHING - If you’re out running errands, and you remember something that he needs, get it and wrap it, with a note saying, “Thinking of you.”  We’re talking anything - socks, soap, spaghetti.  Wrapping makes anything feel special.
3. Frame a memento - Still got those ticket stubs from your first date, or the printed napkin from your anniversary, hidden away in a shoebox somewhere?  Drag it out and frame it.  He can put it in office or on his bedside table - even on the fridge.
4. Drawings/Doodles - Got a fun or funny doodle you worked on during a meeting?  Does it have anything to do with him?  Share it with him.
5. Music - The police won’t crash down your door for sharing a piece of music w/just one person.  Send him a copy of the song that makes you think of him.  (Recently I stepped outside of my “easy listening” genre and shared “Hustlin’” w/my hubby, just to acknowledge him for how hard he works.  “Ev’ry day I’m hustlin’, Ev’ry day I’m hustlin‘…)
6. Tiny gifts - Tie a ribbon around just one cookie, and tell him you want him to have something sweet.  Stick a bow on his favorite snack and give it to him before the game.
7. Gag gift - Start a Gag Gift tradition.  Choose an item that relates to an inside joke or the movie you most like to re-watch together.  Or regift to each other a gift the two of you got from family members, that neither of you liked.  Just for fun.
8. Mental / Fantasy gift - We all have dreams of financial abundance.  If you had all the money in the world…or one day when you DO have lots more money…what would you like to get for him?  Tell him about it.  “If we ever won the lottery, I would buy you…”  One of my most fun memories is of a past boyfriend who dreamed of buying me a Toyota Celica full of Trident Cinnamon.  My favorite car filled with my favorite gum.  Felt so romantic.
9. Yourself - As mentioned in The Five Love Languages, if he’s going through a rough time, sometimes the gift of just being there for him is enough.
10. Public delivery - Take that “anything” that you wrapped in #2 (above), and take it to his job with a funny note.  If it’s wool socks, attach a note saying, “You won’t need these tonight…I’ll keep you warm.”  If it’s a gift bag filled with a package of pasta and a jar of sauce, write, “Hungry?  See me.”

SPECIAL NOTE: Buy a dozen miniature gift bows.  Stick them on ANYTHING you ever do “just-because.”  Organize his desk?  Put a bow on it.  Proofread his document?  Put a bow on it.  It’ll acknowledge that whatever you’ve done, you’ve done it out of love as a gift to him.  (Recycle the bows by sticking them with scotch tape.)

*   *   *

Tell us some fun, $0 gifts you’ve given to your special one?

*   *   *

Read all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service (coming soon)

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We say it all the time:  Life is short.  If your primary love language is Quality Time (see Gary Chapman’s, The Five Love Languages), you may be particularly sensitive to the brevity of life.  You may uniquely treasure the time spent with people you love most.

Quality Time is more than just time spent in each other’s company.  It’s time spent FOCUSING on each other.  Talking, playing, laughing.  Really engaging with each other - not watching TV or playing on your cell phones.

A person whose primary love language is Quality Time really wants to be seen, heard, appreciated, and understood.  This person feels connected to people who deeply know her and enjoy her presence.

If your partner’s primary love language is Quality Time, here are a few ideas to help him feel fully loved by and connected to you.

1. Ask him to retell a story from childhood – Even if you’ve heard all his stories before, listen deeply, as if you may write his biography one day. Ask, “What was that like for you? When do you feel like that now?  What makes that memory so important that you’ve treasured it above so many others?”
2. Laugh a lot – Don’t let life get so serious that you’re not having fun together regularly. Tell jokes, funny stories, silly dreams. The memory of you rolling with laughter is the one memory you want burnt into his mind.
3. Listen with your whole heart – When he’s sharing something that’s important to him (even if it’s something hard for you to hear),  set aside your agenda and just be his friend. Be a safe space where he can share his thoughts and feelings without judgment.
4. Welcome him home – Stop whatever you’re doing, for just 30 seconds, and greet him when he comes home. I have a friend in NJ who has made this a practice for over 30 yrs of marriage. Once, while giving a speech, he shocked her by mentioning how much he appreciated that…how special he felt.  Such a small gesture can make a big difference in anyone’s day.
5. Play – Board games, card games, video games.  Anything that gets you interacting with each other in a fun way.
6. Read together – Out loud or silently.  Share a small passage of something together – one paragraph, one chapter, an interesting article from a magazine – and discuss your different perspectives.
7. Do something healthy together – Go for a walk (even if it’s a stroll), do a paired floor stretch, walk up the stairs of your apartment complex together (do lots of reps if there aren’t many stairs).  When my husband and I lived in a 20 story building, we would sometimes walk all the way up, just for exercise.  It’s fun to share that memory together.
8. Parallel Play – If you’re both really bogged down, and rarely make “face time,” try working in the same room at least once a week.  The goal is to give yourself more opportunities to break for eye contact and quick conversations.
9. Attend something you wouldn’t ordinarily – Don’t like attending philosophy lectures or baseball games?  Go at least occasionally with this goal in mind:  Getting to know him better.  Afterward, ask him what he liked most, what he thought could be better.  Use the event as a doorway into his soul.
10. Ask for feedback – From time to time, ask “How loved / respected / cherished / appreciated are you feeling this week? How ratchet that up another notch?”

Time with loved ones is what we’ll miss most when one of us has passed on.  Savor it.  Revel in it.  Especially if your or your partner’s primary love language is Quality Time.

Next Up:  Expressing love with Gifts.

*   *   *

How have you used “Time” to express love to your significant other?

Comment below.

*   *   *

See all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service (coming soon)

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Gary Chapman really earned my respect in The Five Love Languages when he explained that men often crave sex more than women due to hormonal differences - DUH, right?  But my favorite part was this:  THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEIR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE IS PHYSICAL TOUCH.

If you bracket the hormone-induced desire for sex, and listen to what your partner requests or complains about most, you can hear clues to his true primary love language.  For example, if he often exclaims, “You’re going out with your friends AGAIN,” that could be a sign that his love language is Quality Time.  Or if he asks, “What do you like about me,” could be his love language is Words of Affirmation.

One other thing:  Physical Touch doesn’t always equal “Sex.”  There are dozens of ways to show love through physical touch that don’t immediately proceed or coincide with sex.

So, if you and your partner check out Gary Chapman’s book or website, and discover that one or both of you has a primary love language of Physical Touch, here are…

10 WAYS to Love Your Lover through Touch

1. Rub his back – Since most of us can’t touch our backs by ourselves, it’s a very neglected body part.  The feel of a soft hand (not even massaging, just stroking), can be wonderfully comforting.
2. Place his hands where you like to be touched – I get a kick out of taking my husband’s hands and placing them on my face. I don’t know why, but I like the feel of his hands on my face. And I think he enjoys knowing that his touch is sacred to me.
3. Cuddle – Just being physically close is spiritually and emotionally rejuvenating. Lay your leg across his lap while reading a book. Put your head on his shoulder while watching TV. Stroke his arm while he’s driving (if he’s not easily distracted).
4. Play – Chase, tickle, piggy back ride. Remember the physical fun of being a kid? The thrill of being chased. The suspense of that handslapping game (where you try to move your hands before the other person can slap them). No law says you can’t still have fun like that.
5. Kiss him in unusual places – A sweet, delicate, adoring kiss on the cheek, forehead, back, bicep, knee…can be surprisingly stimulating.
6. Try to memorize his body – Close your eyes and run your hands over a particular part of your man’s body. Could you identify it in a line-up, blindfolded? Could you sculpt it from memory? What curves, textures, angles are uniquely his? What do the veins in his hands feel like? How would you map the hair on his thigh?
7. Massage a body part – Ask him in which body part he holds the most stress.  Then offer him a 5 minute massage of that part. Doesn’t have to be a professional level massage. Touch is healing. Just a nice oiled rub will do. Note:  If it’s his back - which part?  Upper?  Lower?  I spent years massaging my husband’s upper back before we discovered that he gets the most benefit from a lower back rub.  Another note: If he’s not sore, and you’d like to massage him anyway, try his hands or feet.  They’re small, and appreciate the attention. 
8. Ten Touches a Day – Add completely unnecessary touches to your day. Touch his hand when he passes the salt. Graze his butt with yours as you’re passing in the hall. No reason. No excuse. Just for the fun of it. See if you can add 10 no-reason touches a day.
9. Mold your hand to your favorite body part – What’s your favorite body part on him? Explore how your hand is like a puzzle piece that fits that part perfectly. You were made for each other. I like to rest my finger in my husband’s chin dimple. It’s like his chin was made as a finger-rest for me. Then I notice other parts fit in there too, like my nose, my teeth. It’s fun.
10. Measure body parts - Hands, feet, arms.  Whose is bigger?  Smaller?  Wider?  Warmer?  No reason.  Just a casual, fun thing to do that presses body parts against each other.

Again, I mostly talk to women loving men…but this stuff works well with anyone.  And if  YOUR primary love language is Physical Touch, then ASK for these things.  Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. TEACH him or her how to speak your love language.

Next up:  Expressing love in the language of Quality Time.

*   *   *

What other non-intercourse-related ways can you show love through Physical Touch?

Comment below.

*   *   *

See all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service (coming soon)

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Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages is a great toolkit for couples wanting to draw closer and strengthen their bond.  It teaches how you and your partner can learn each other’s primary love language (i.e., what makes each of you feel the most loved), and then learn to speak that language fluently.

If you haven’t read the book, check out Gary Chapman’s website to learn about the 5 Love Languages.

As we wrap up February (”The Month’O'Love”), I’ll sharing with you 10 WAYS to express love to your partner in each of the 5 LOVE LANGUAGES.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

If you feel tingly, appreciated, and loved when your partner tells you all the wonderful things he likes about you, speaks highly of you to other people, compliments your hair, body, or personality…then your primary love language may be WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

If that’s your partner’s primary love language - if he beams with pride and swells with confidence when you tell him how awesome he is - then here are 10 ways to show him love in a way that he’ll REALLY appreciate.  (Hey, there are 10 months left in this year, right?  How about focusing on one each month?)

1. Describe one way that he excites you - Observe your physical reaction when he comes into a room, or says your name, or touches your back.  Then, in a tender moment, put your physical reaction into words.  Let your heart pour out of your mouth.  One Valentine’s Day, I wrote my husband a note saying, “I may not always show it, but when I hear your car pull up into the driveway, every hair on my arm knows you’re home.”  That man felt SO loved, he showed that note to everyone in his office.
2. Tell his family how awesome he is - Not just in a general way.  Be specific.  Tell them one thing he did or said that you especially liked.  Or describe the quality that you most respect about him.
3. Use the word, “Respect” - When he’s telling a story about work, a hobby, or his friends, pay attention to what the story says about him as a person.   Does the story illustrate his great sense of humor?  His ability to see the good in people?  His undying loyalty?  His courage?  His honesty?  His steadfast determination?  After his story, tell him how much you respect that quality in him.  When I tell my husband, “I really respect how patient you can be with difficult people,” or “I have the greatest respect for your work ethic,” I can see him take that into himself.  He pauses for half a beat, and, I believe, respects that part of himself as well.
4. Use the word, “Admire” - “Admire” can be used in a similar way as “Respect.”  But the feeling each inspires can be different.  To me, “Respect” simply acknowledges the other person for who they are, while “Admire” suggests that you find their qualities particularly desirable (that’s just IMHO…observe how do they feel for you).   I admire my husband’s ability to tell really entertaining stories about his childhood.  When I tell him so, he gets that I enjoy his talent, I get that I’d like some of that talent to rub off on me.
5. Make his picture your computer or cellphone wallpaper - A picture is worth a thousand words.  So seeing his picture on your computer (or if he doesn’t see your computer, TELL him about it) will remind him that you think he’s handsome and want to look at him often.
6. Talk him up to the kids - Even if he’s not perfect…If the kids see only his difficult side…don’t try to persuade them to see/feel differently, just share with them one good thing they might not have caught on to about him.  It’ll help preserve their relationship until the tough times blow over.  Years ago, when my husband was stressed out and a little abrupt with the kids, I’d assure them during the day, “He may not have best way of showing it, but he is absolutely crazy about you…”
7. Make an Appreciation Sandwich - If you have something to get off your chest that might be hard for your partner to hear, start with something you appreciate about him (relative to the situation).  Then insert your concern.  Then end with assuring him that this one concern doesn’t mean you don’t love or feel loved by him, you simply wanted to be transparent with him.  For example, once I used this approach to share a concern, “Sweetheart, I really appreciate how hard you’ve been working.  But, I really miss feeling like a team here at home.  I’m feeling lonely doing everything here by myself.  It would really help if you’d do the dishes while I get the kids to sleep.  Could you do that for me please?  Seriously, though, I’m grateful that you make it possible for me to stay home with the kids…”
8. Tell him YOUR side of the “How we met” story - Share with him what you were thinking and feeling when you first took interest in him.  Reminiscing can remind you both how awesome it was that you found each other.  Retell the story every year…or even a few times a year.
9. “Seek first to understand…” -  My favorite of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is “Seek first to understand.  Then to be understood.”  If you two have a disagreement, put on your Objective Journalist hat, and delve into his point of view.  Don’t take anything he says personally - it’s not about you, it’s about him.  Let him know, “I honestly just want to understand your perspective.”  Then ask, “What’s most important to you in this situation?  What did you feel inside when I said what I said?  What were you thinking about me in that moment?  What did you really want?”  Then use HIS words to summarize his feelings, just to see if you got it right.  Request that he listen to your perspective the following day.  Once people feel heard and understood, they are more open and less hostile.
10. Say, “Thank You” Acknowledge the things he does that you feel he’s “supposed” to do.  Recognize how important they are to you and to the family.  Celebrate them verbally.  Let him know, at random times, “Thank you so much for playing with the kids.  I’m a happier mom knowing what great memories you’re making with them.”  Or, “You work so hard to provide for us.  When I see you bent over that desk, I am so grateful for all that you do.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being that kind of man.”

Now, I hope this all doesn’t sounds like some 1950s b.s. about showing reverence and deference to your husband, because these suggestions EQUALLY APPLY TO MEN LOVING THEIR WOMEN (…and women loving their women…and men loving their men…Love doesn’t discriminate, so why should I).

I’m addressing this to women because most of my readers are women, and I get tired of writing and reading “he/she” so it’s just easier to write it all one way.

Next up:  10 ways to show love using PHYSICAL TOUCH.

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How else do you use “Words of Affirmation” to show love to your partner?

Comment below.

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See all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service (coming soon)

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Here’s the brief review I posted on Amazon:

I use “The Five Love Languages” in my Family Healing work with couples and parents. It is a simple, powerful tool for infusing any relationship with tenderness, empathy, and respect.

Gary Chapman describes the 5 Love Languages as:

1. Words of Affirmation - including Encouragement and Kindness.
2. Quality Time - giving your undivided attention via Quality Conversation and Quality Activities
3. Gifts - anything from trinkets to gifts of yourself.
4. Acts of Service - showing love by being helpful.
5. Physical Touch - including sex, casual touch, massage.

Dr. Chapman advises that we learn to speak our partner’s (or kid’s) primary love language, so that their “love tank” is filled.

In the video, you’ll hear the 3 things I like and the 1 thing I don’t like about this book.

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(Thanks to my good friend Janette, at www.BuildBetterRelationships.com for forwarding it to me.)

My husband, Hycel, and I loved this little video.  To me, its message is:  Love doesn’t require “perfection.”

I have many friends who have been single their whole lives, never married or committed to a relationship longer than a few years.  Why?  Because they didn’t find Mister/Miss “Perfect.”  If he was was a good guy, he wasn’t drop-dead-gorgeous enough.  If he was good looking, he wasn’t ambitious enough.

Those of us who have been married, or in a long-term relationship, know the truth:  There is no such thing as perfect.

At least not in an absolute sense.  But there is a such thing as “Perfect for Me.”

3 Signs that Someone is Perfect For You

1. His/Her Weaknesses are Your Strengths (and vice versa) - This is why opposites attract.  We each would (secretly) like to be more like the other.  If he’s a saver and you’re a spender…or he’s more fun-loving and you’re more serious…you both may crave some of what the other person has.  You’re hoping that just a little of it will rub off on you.
2. You Agree On (or at least can respectfully discuss) the Major Life Issues - Religion, food, childrearing practices…those are my big 3.  What are yours?  What’s the stuff that’s gonna set the tone of your whole life together?  The stuff that will affect how each day is lived?  The values that will determine who you are as a family?  Do you have that major stuff in common?  If not, can you respect each other’s perspective enough to talk openly about and accommodate your differences?
3. You Can See Living With the Things You Don’t Like About Him/Her FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE - Forever.  Seriously, accept that it will most likely never change.  Ask yourself, “Can I live with this forever?”  Visualize yourself 10, 20, 50 years from now…he’s still picking his nose when he drives…still grinding his teeth in his sleep…can you live with that?  Will it affect your quality of life?  (If he smokes, yes it will.  If he snorts when he laughs, maybe not.)

Relationships provide opportunities to practice “presence” and to grow as a person.  Whomever you’re in a relationship with, that person’s “stuff” is the material you can use to work on yourself, to develop emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.  The buttons that person pushes in you are the buttons you need to work on.

Remember, you’re not perfect either.  Like you, your partner wants to be loved for being himself.  Let his quirks endear him to you.  Don’t try to make him over in your image.  Love him for who he is, warts and all.

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A PERSONAL NOTE:  My husband and I will celebrate our 21st anniversary this May.  I was 21 when I married him…so that means I have spent half my life with him.

We are so happy that we weathered the storms that destroy many marriages, because now we have something very rare and precious.  We each have a person who shares our history.

We can talk in shorthand.  He knows all my feelings and memories that surface when I say “My mom,” or “High school”  I know all his feelings and memories that surface when he says, “My dad,” or “Second Baptist.”

We have inside jokes.  As a family (kids included), we find a way, EVERY DAY, to use a line from the movie “Booty Call.”  [Don't ask why...but that is our all-time favorite comedy as a family.  It's our version of "Rocky Horror Picture Show."]

All this is to say:  Something magical happens when you’ve been with someone more than 10 or 20 years.  They become a part of you.  They leave an impression, like a thumbprint, on your life.  You would miss everything about them if they were gone.

Cherish everything…Find beauty in everything…even the imperfections.

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If you’re in a relationship…What did you once find annoying or off-putting about your partner, but eventually found endearing?

If you’re not in a relationship…What are your “Major Life Issues” or most important values that the right partner must share?

Please share.

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