The thing about sharing your life + thoughts online is that you have to be ready for the push back. You have to be ready for the accusations that will inevitably come from an anonymous commenter – the person who judges every inane action and proclaims to the world that you’re a bad mother.

I say this because I’ve experienced it many, many times. So I’m here to say it gets easier. But it remains part of the gig.

Blogging has been an incredible outlet and I’m always enthusiastic about seeing new & creative folks join in but one thing I rarely mention is that at times, this whole social media thing can be very painful.

YouTube is a particularly harsh audience and putting my body + weight on display has allowed for an endless stream of comments like “you may have lost the weight, but you’re still fugly”. The drivel of internet troll hate usually makes me laugh – it doesn’t affect my self-esteem, and if anything, it’s given me a chance to fine-tune clever comebacks that showcase their jackassery.

I thought I had developed a thick skin, until baby Jude came along.

Then I realized the worst comments were yet to come, and they would arrive from among my peers… from women, and moms… comments about my parenting. They’d be related to choices like putting my son on the internet, opting not to have him circumcised, trying for a home birth, and taking him to oh-so-dangerous places in the world.

“You’re a bad mother” is what some have said. And I’d be lying if I claimed those words didn’t hurt. They’d finally found my Achilles heel and managed to penetrate through to stab me in the heart.

The good news? I’m learning to let it go. To agree to disagree. To be kinder and less judgmental when I see other moms yelling at their kids in the grocery store because maybe that’s not an accurate or complete picture of her mothering skills.

So this past week when I was at the Mom 2.0 Summit and there was a panel made up of three brilliant women I admire and the topic was self-proclaimed bad mothering – I knew I had to attend.

While they also talked about marketing issues and working with brands, I edited together pieces where they shared their personal journey:

This week two milestones occurred: (1) getting his first tooth… and trust me when I say having your nipple chomped down on by a sharp tooth feels even more painful than it sounds; and (2) trying his hand at crawling up the stairs.

The first I expected, the second I did not.

It’s like he knows this makes our life more difficult.

We no longer have the luxury of looking away for even a split second… because if we do, it’s a mad dash to the staircase to tempt fate and see how far he can climb before the inevitable tumble down to the hardwood floor below.

Since the sheer thought of him falling down terrifies the bejeezus out of me, and we’ve yet to put up a safety gate like good parents do, we’re stuck with being ultra-observant until we get our baby proofing act together.

Watch as he tries to make his way up:

My freshman year of college was the worst year of my life. I was depressed, at times suicidal, and living an isolated existence. It was light years from how I’d envisioned my collegiate experience.

Halfway through the year I quit attending classes altogether.

Suffice it to say I was drained, wallowing in pity with “I’m a failure” stuck on repeat in my head. I had pushed my Dad hard to let me move across the country to attend that school, and with cancer wracking his body I was guilt-ridden and embarrassed to return home.

At the time I chose not to tell my family I’d quit because I knew it’d open a can of questions I wasn’t emotionally prepared to answer yet. So I stayed through the second semester and just sat in my room – most of my daily interactions occurring online.

In the midst of my swirling sadness a simple pop-up via Yahoo! Messenger opened up on my computer screen. A seemingly random question, “Are you from Corvallis?”.

I figured it was another guy looking through local profiles – I was used to these kinds of conversations.

His name was Josh and he shared a bit about his story – he’d just moved from Ohio to Corvallis, Oregon with his cousin; he was bored and looking for new friends in town.

I’d done the same kind of thing when I’d moved from Oregon to Indiana for school. Although I was 2,000 miles away it just so happened that he shared a connection to a town nearby – his cousin had attended a university in Valparaiso, Indiana… a place I’d recently visited. That kept the conversation going long enough for us to add each other as friends, which ensured we’d chat again.

Months later when the bottom dropped out and I moved back to Corvallis we were still in contact. By the end of the summer me, Josh and his cousin Zach were hanging out regularly.

That fall when Josh invited me to check out a Christian ministry on campus with him, I reluctantly accepted… it’d only been a year since I had left the uber-conservative church I’d grown up in and was pretty sure I’d never be a regular anywhere again. I wasn’t even sure I believed in God, let alone Christianity.

On the days I thought I might still believe in Something, all I could really manage to say was that I was mad as hell at It for all I’d been through.

But that first night I attended Something happened, I started to cry. From the depths of my soul I pleaded: For help. For guidance. For some damn relief.

I’d kept my anguish to myself, and it was there, surrounded by a handful of strangers that the tears started to fall. They were friendly, but not pushy, and in their midst I felt a much-needed reprieve from the pain.

So, the next week I went back. And then again. And again.

It didn’t happen overnight, but in time, those people saved my life. They walked with me as I dealt with the feelings I’d tried to bury – anger, depression, hopelessness. We had a ‘come as you are’ – no judgments allowed kind of policy, and that freed me to find myself. Those friends became my family through college, Josh included. And the rest of my college years turned out to be fabulously fun, just like I’d originally envisioned – 80’s parties, winter retreats up in the mountains, and lots of hanging out eating pizza and drinking beer (or in my case, wine – because let’s face it: beer tastes like pee).

Our chance encounter on Yahoo! enabled Josh to bring me into a whole new community.

Without that connection I would never have found my tribe. And without those friends, I wouldn’t be the me I know today.

Footnote: Josh (on left) and his cousin Zach (on right) were ushers in our wedding. Nick was a member of the same campus ministry in Wisconsin, and that common link was what initially brought him to my blog and into my life.

The power of connecting online

For more, check out the original inspiration for this series on people I’ve met online who’ve changed + bettered me.

{Links will be added below as the posts go live.}

Part 1: The Great Depression: How I survived college, with a lot of help from Yahoo! Messenger
Part 2: Internet Dating: Meeting my husband through my blog
Part 3: Finding Business Partners Online: Establishing trust through YouTube
Part 4: Mom Bloggers: Sharing heart + passion with other parents

You are the love of my life.

I am honored to be your wife.

When I was a little girl and dreamed of what an amazing Daddy would look like – the kind of man I wanted to marry – I wasn’t sure of all the attributes to include. Funny, sweet, caring, intelligent, handsome.

You’re all of those and more.

So for Valentine’s Day this year I wanted to give you more than the cologne you missed from Christmas. Here’s my gift from the heart:

lyrics of: “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green

And for a stroll down memory lane… I just came across this Valentine to you from 3 years ago:

Our wedding day.

My sister-in-law just started a blog to document her experience as an American student in Prague. Reading her first post gave me a flashback to 2004 when I first started writing here. The initial purpose was to chronicle my travels and keep up with friends while spending a year working on my Arabic at the University of Jordan.

I started out simple. I had no idea that participating in this online community would alter my worldview, change the course of my career, cause me to move to the Midwest… and turn a commenter into my husband.

I got online in 1997 at the age of 14. It was before the parental hysteria had broken out about the potential danger of online predators so I was pretty much given free reign. With a computer in my room I spent most evenings dialed in to chatrooms and instant messengers. I had lots of ‘real life’ friends (who did not get my obsession) but I also bonded deeply with the folks I met online.

But it was more than that.

Those digital relationships shaped me… probably in ways I’ll never fully understand.

My first date was online – like most people remember the name of who they first kissed, I expect I’ll never forget his AOL handle. We dated from 15-17yrs old and only met in person once when I was 18, after we had broken up. We were both early adopters and while most of our peers thought we were weird & geeky for spending so much time on the computer – we got each other, and believed someday the wall between the virtual and concrete would come crashing down.

And we were right.

Now nearly every person I’ve ever met uses email, and most have Facebook accounts.

Even my mom.

So, thanks to my first internet boyfriend I stuck around this place. Made it my home. Even saved up & bought a webcam in ‘99 so we could talk face-to-face… which was less like live streaming and more like taking a series of photos.

Many of the people I’ve met online through the years have provided life-altering interactions. They’ve also become my best friends.

So, in order to honor those people and do the stories justice I’ve decided to turn this into a series of posts. {Links will be added below as the posts go live.}

Addicted to being connected

Part 1: The Great Depression: How I survived college, with a lot of help from Yahoo! Messenger

Part 2: Internet Dating: Meeting my husband through my blog

Part 3: Finding Business Partners Online: Establishing trust through YouTube

Part 4: Mom Bloggers: Sharing heart + passion with other parents

*This post was inspired by SOBCon’s BlogIt EarnIt question for #SOBCon2010

{Blissdom is an annual conference for women in social media, and since mom bloggers make up the biggest portion of attendees it’s often called a mom bloggers conference}

I attend a lot of these types of functions and had pretty minimal expectations; after all, I’d been last year and didn’t experience any magical moments.

My plan was pretty low-key. Speak at my workshop about video blogging, meet up with a few friends, and support the Saturday morning walk being sponsored by Weight Watchers. I figured if I connected with a few new folks that’d just be a bonus.

Boy was I mistaken.

Lightning struck and I completely fell head-over-heels in love again.

With blogging. With storytelling. With video. And most of all, with these amazing women.

My experience at BlogHer ’09 had jaded me – I had become guarded and it was killing my desire to be part of the community. In a lot of circles it seems that distrust, competition and cynicism have crept in and replaced the spirit of openness that once dominated the space. I don’t want it to be that way, and neither do the others in this Blissdom tribe.

And then it happened – sitting amongst women I admired at 2am – the spark was set ablaze again.

The love was palpable.

Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps because it was that real.

The whole room seemed to pulse with positive energy. So I snatched some of it up and decided to take it home.

I heard the wise Liz Strauss say that companies and conferences are reflections of the people who run them. And while I don’t know Alli or Barbara well, I want to, because they created an atmosphere that enabled authentic interaction at the heart-to-heart level. Sure, there was swag and there were sessions… but it wasn’t about either of those things, which was a refreshing change.

It was about building relationships. And that’s just what we did.

Women from the Blissdom Conference

My friends (new + old) are brag-worthy, so here goes:

Alicia @todaysmom: We shared one of my most memorable conversations of the trip – somehow I ended up baring my soul about the adoption process to this smart + sassy lady, and felt so much love in return. She’s a big time New Yorker with the hot designer shoes to prove it, and I consider myself lucky to have bonded with her. By the way, check out her book Today’s Moms (yes, she’s an author on top of being a producer for the Today Show!).

Ally @AllyBSpeakin: Ally & I met at Blissdom ’09 where we were two of the only non-moms in the crowd (although as she pointed out, I was pregnant so I had a bit more street cred). She’s been heading up social efforts at Zwaggle but is also getting ready to launch a co-writing project with her mom.

Casey @mooshinindy: We laughed together over shared BlogHer horror stories. I’m pretty sure I won. She always had a camera in her hands and her photographs are some of the best from the whole shindig. Added bonus: lot’s of snarkiness.

Cecily @cecilyk: This amazing woman also has some crazy life stories to share… the fact that she’s a great writer makes it possible for the rest to sense + feel the world through her lens. I also think it’s great that she cleverly managed to give her client @EdenFantasys a presence at the event by giving away facials… one of which I won! It’s obvious to anyone who knows her that she is the real deal in every way – and I’m honored that I can call her my friend.

Christine @bostonmamas: She’s one smart cookie and getting to chat her up after reading her blog for so long felt incredibly natural. I could’ve spent hours more, and luckily I might just get the chance since we’ll both be at the Mom 2.0 Summit in a couple of weeks. Oh & she’s soon going to be changing the world with minimalist parenting tips any day now.

Dina @babycentermom: One of my new BFFs. She’s hilarious and smart. And dances her booty off when necessary. Oh, and she can sing all the words to “Ice Ice Baby” which always equals a great time. She works almost non-stop pounding out blogs and PR for the uber-popular parenting site BabyCenter as well as side projects like MightyNest.

Lizzie @LizzieBtv and Meredith @Hoo_Dee_Hoo: An impromptu video blogging session broke out in the hallway with these two ladies which was incredibly fun.

Jennifer @mombloggersclub: Sitting on the steps eating breakfast we talked about how to support each others projects. I got to know her last year through the work I did for Kmart, and I love just how easy it is to connect with her. She’s the savvy founder of the popular MomBloggersClub.

Rachel @sthrnfairytale: She’s got great energy and is so fabulous she won the coveted Tastemaker Challenge, toothpicked-together potato trophy and all.

Sara @sarasophia: We were set up by @babycentermom after she heard Sara talking about adoption. We became fast friends and I can’t wait to follow her journey as she explores what route to take!

Sarah @sarahviola: I was lucky to have met her at Cupcake ’10 but this time around we got to know each other more… and even sat together on the plane ride back to Chicago. She’s got an amazing talent for design and was the chief creator for all the lovely Blissdom signage including the logo and schedule. Plus, she radiated a beautiful glow the entire trip!

Steph @babysteph: Steph is just one of those rare combinations – she’s sweet + fun, and really cares about people. Sitting on the veranda people-watching with @sarahviola was a definite highlight… although watching her baby girl Ivy dance the last night took the cake.

My fellow panelists, Audrey @audreymcclellan, Jendi @jendisjournal, Danielle @extraordmommy, and Jo-Lynne @dcrmom: All of these ladies are incredibly talented and I had a great time getting to know them via Skype calls in the weeks leading up to our workshop (which went fabulously!).

A special congrats to Danielle who will be the face of P&G for the Winter Olympics!

I’m running out of steam but wanted to send out some linky love to a few more friends: Isabel, Hollee, Janice, Renee, Catherine, Jessica, Carla, Stephanie, Miranda, Kelby, Deb, Liza, Arianne and Leah.

I’m kind of stunned by the realization that I’ve had lots of friends over the years who were really ashamed of sexual choices made along the way and so rather than owning up to it – they lied. Either by claiming virginity or by lowering their number.

I totally get that shame and familial/religious expectations come into play but owning your truth is incredibly empowering; after all, living a lie is exhausting. It’s a kind of self-inflicted silent torture.

I understand there are cultural considerations that come into play, and I find myself unable to make judgment calls for women in potentially dangerous situations. For instance, in some parts of the world the mother-in-law will go so far as to look at the sheets on the wedding night to make sure there was blood. (Which is actually a lousy indication of virginity as it turns out since not every woman bleeds.) The point remains, that if she doesn’t bleed then her marriage is likely to be annulled and her life could even be at stake.

Anyways, this whole situation got me thinking about the dichotomy modern women face – because for so long a premium was placed on virginity that I think that ideal still haunts many women. The desire to fit the fantasy then leads to fudging on the # of partners, or even claiming purity that doesn’t exist.

In high school and college I saw this play out time & time again – female friends of mine made a big fuss out of keeping their sex life under wraps so they wouldn’t be branded a bad girl. At the end of the day, my feeling is if you have to hide it than you probably shouldn’t be doing it, because shame + guilt are not supposed to be part of the package.

The first step to being accepted by others, is to accept yourself. When you find that peace you won’t settle for anything less than someone who will love you – the real you.

If you knew a friend was being dishonest, what would be your response? (Mine has been to tell her I think she should just be honest – but I won’t make that decision for her by telling him).

Last summer we painted a section of our dingy, dark basement green and blue so we could have a ready-made backdrop for photos + videos, since we’re a media-saturated household… so after Jude fell asleep the other night we crept downstairs and had ourselves a mini photoshoot. And it was fun!

Thumbing through the photos I kept thinking “wow, that girl looks pretty” or “that’s a beautiful photo”, but I struggle to say it in the first-person… to say, “I am pretty” – it’s not the photo that is beautiful, it’s me.

I’ve had this problem for years. I’ll look at an old photo and wish I looked like that and wonder how I didn’t feel attractive at the time. Why can’t I feel attractive in the moment?

Slowly but surely it’s starting to happen and it’s an amazing feeling.

I’m pretty sure it has everything to do with the brainwashing Nick has been working on since we met in 2005. He has always had this wonderful ability of being insanely in love with all of me (fat + skinny + pregnant + make-up-less + too much make-up + fashionable + homely looking + naked). And trust me, that last one ::naked:: still makes me shudder a bit.

The great news is that I am getting over it. Getting over myself. My irrational “can’t be beautiful unless [insert unattainable goal]” nonsense.

Jude has also helped change my perception. He’s teaching me to see beauty in everything, even silly things that I used to miss or take for granted. Washing machines. Cheerios. Monkey footsies. Chubby cheeks. Walking. Bathtime. Peekaboo.

—

Outtakes are always the best part of a photoshoot. And FYI, yes, I really look like I’m about to eat your face off when I’m laughing… that’s how you know it’s a real full-belly laugh. :)

At 6:30a I find myself stumbling down the hall, using my sweatshirt’s sleeve to wipe the dried drool from the side of my cheek. Another day has started with Jude’s cry calling to me from within a dream. By the time I’m nearing his room I’m already struggling to recall the adventure I’d been immersed in only moments earlier. Had I been flying again? Or was I falling? I can’t quite remember.

Before pushing the door open I call out in a sing-song voice, “Hey baby, Mommy’s coming… I love you and miss you!”.

As I peek my head in I see he’s already standing, holding on to the crib bars anticipating my arrival. I lean over and swoop him into my arms, pulling him tight against my chest to give the first hug of the day.

With his cheeks still red, he snuggles in to my shoulder and then promptly pulls away – frantically looking around wondering if there’s anything to see – even though it’s still dark enough outside that I’d stumble without the glow of the nightlight.

We head back to my bed where I lay him down next to me so that we’re still touching. He pulls at my shirt and opens his mouth waiting for our special time to begin.

In seconds I feel the familiar force of his latch and he begins coaxing the milk out.

At first his gulps are audible but his rhythm slows down as he settles in to the bed, knowing there’s really no rush.

As his belly fills I sense what feels like a warm stream of water swirling around and through me and I think this is real peace. Authentic serenity.

With his eyes closed his tiny hand reaches out, looking to tap on my skin – a simple yet profound reassurance of my presence.

I can’t help but smile. My heart is so full of love.

_____

I worry that I’ll forget as time passes so I need to share these thoughts because I want to remember to savor them.

I’ve been so lucky to have this amazing routine with baby Jude for almost 3 months, and there’s no doubt that those special moments we share each morning will be some of my most cherished memories of him at this age.

I almost gave up on breastfeeding because it was really difficult for me. I often cried as I went through the motions of pumping and feeding, frustrated that my efforts seemed in vain for so many weeks. Would my milk ever come in enough for him to be satisfied with just me?

It would.

And the incredibly tender and intimate moments breastfeeding has created – the bond it helped cement – was worth it all.

Jude at 8 months, 3 weeks old

In fact, when my dad moved us up to Oregon by him when I was nine (it’s a complicated story), one of the first things I asked for was a membership to SuperKids Gymnastics. I’d been bugging my mom for years and would prance around in a leotard but my mom just couldn’t afford it.

I had big dreams. I mean, BIG. Like, Olympics B-I-G.

Alas…. what I found was that the 5 year olds were miles ahead of me and after only a year of weekly group lessons I quit and focused on sports I was more competitive in.

For a very brief time I tried starting again. But when I tried out in 8th grade and they placed me with a bunch of 3rd graders I gave it up for what I thought was the last time.

Until last week, when I found out Turner Hall offers adult gymnastics classes. *insert hallelujah chorus*

Okay… so clearly I’ll never be competitive in any sense of the word but I really love the feeling of flip-flopping around on cushy mats and attempting to fly through the air on the bars. And, although it’ll be awhile before I can even pull myself around a bar without support I am so excited at the possibility of having fun while exercising again.

I was thisclose to letting my fear and self-consciousness keep me from joining, but I didn’t. And if I were in therapy I’m pretty sure they’d call that a breakthrough.

Truthfully, I even surprised myself with what I could do:
A cartwheel, a round-off, a handstand (plus forward roll), a front handspring… and with a bit of assistance I even landed a few backflips.

From now on I will refer to myself as a gymnast. Ohhhh yeah. I can see my inner eight year old beaming with pride.

Sore doesn’t begin to describe how I’ve felt the last couple of days but it’s a great feeling to hurt this much and still want to go back for more. I’d like to believe that with some hard work I could do the splits (!!!) and a few beam tricks (!!!) again.

Thanks to FitMilwaukee and Tracy for inspiring me to push myself and try new things. :)