Extraordinary Hope

"A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Don Miller

2009-09-29T22:30:00.002-05:00

When Don Miller released "Blue Like Jazz" way back in 2003, there is no way he could have envisioned the phenomenon it would become. Looking back now, we see that "Blue Like Jazz" became somewhat of a cultural icon, a rallying cry for an entire generation of young Christians. The book reflected much of the underlying tension this new "emerging" class of Christians has felt in inheriting our unique faith. In fact, I would go so far as to say that if you polled the "favorite books" section of any 20-29 year old Christian's Facebook page, over half would list "Blue Like Jazz" or another Don Miller book as being foundational in their spiritual growth.

So what has he been up to since then? That is where we begin "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years." The incredible success of BLJ led a team of filmmakers (well, two) to desire to adapt the book into a film. Thus, Don begins the often difficult task of looking back at his life and deciding where the true "story" exists. Really, this book is more about analyzing the general foundational aspects of story and narrative than Don's specific screenwriting journey. Along the way, Don falls in love, hikes the Inca trail, meets some amazing people, and bikes across America.

My response to the book is rather mixed. On one hand, I deeply admire and appreciate Don's vulnerability in writing. We see a part of Don's life and his character that most writers would be very hesitant to unleash. Further, I believe that narrative and story are key aspects of our faith journeys and thus really appreciate Don's emphasis on that and breaking down what our stories mean and how to live out a "good" story.

On the other hand, I feel that aspects of the book come off as disingenuous. The people Don meets and prop up as heroes are mostly rich and white. Yes, they do some great things with their money and their time, but I just don't sense that these people live their lives in the "real world" that you and I do. Perhaps this is more a reflection of where I am and what I am passionate about than an actual unbiased critique of the book. Throughout, though, I couldn't help but feel that we were being taken for a ride through the white Christian American subculture. There are parts of that specific story that are beneficial, but I just cannot identify with it. It seems too much of a fairy-tale world inhabited by jet-setting non-profit CEO's who live in suburban mansions.

Additionally, the book is extremely scattered. Throughout, as Don moved from random story to random story, I kept wondering "Where is he going with this?" And then the book just ended. Did the movie get made? Was the character of Don in the movie anything like the Don of real life? What about Don's new relationship with his previously-absent father? This type of structure works well in a book of essays such as "Blue Like Jazz," but it just doesn't translate well to this type of story telling.

In the end, it really does pain me to offer these critical comments about Don Miller. As I read his thoughts and enter his mind, I find myself in familiar territory. He and I have some of the same thoughts on our faith and on life in general. The journey he takes us on, though, just doesn't seem authentic, and that hurts. The moral of the book is to live your life as a good story, and while I do agree with that, I don't think that a good story has to involve huge trips to South America and riding your bike across the country. Those stories are at least in part, self-gratifying. A good story can instead start right now with where you are, and that's a beautiful thing.

The value of silence, a reaction to Shane Hipps

2009-07-13T23:36:00.003-05:00

"i win" starflyer 59

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What a fantastic weekend I had. Was able to spend some time in Michigan to celebrate the wedding of my two dear, dear friends Jon and Amy. It was so cool to not only meet so many new people there, but to be completely taken in by both families. Toward the end of the weekend, I had met so many awesome people and made so many great memories with them that it was very difficult to say goodbye... and I had just met them two days prior! I tell you, there is incredible power in human relationships... relationships with no pretense or barriers. Just people coming together and spending important moments with each other. Honestly, this whole weekend was absolutely filled with Kingdom moments, and those are the moments I cherish the deepest.

I got my birthday present from my dad and stepmom as well: a new (used) set of golf clubs! I broke them in twice this weekend and shot a 123 and 117. Definitely room for improvement there but not too bad considering it had been at least two years since I had swung a club prior to this weekend.

Real quick tonight I want to post observations and react to my trip to Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids. I decided to stop in there on my way home from Detroit. For those unfamiliar with Mars Hill, it is a progressive church situated in a former anchor store in a mall. Rob Bell (author of "Velvet Elvis" and "Sex God," as well as the teacher in the "NOOMA" video series) is the lead pastor. However, he did not speak on Sunday morning. I had the absolute treat to hear Shane Hipps speak as he was visiting Mars Hill for the Poets, Prophets, and Preachers seminar series that was held there this past week. I was extremely interested in hearing him as I was a HUGE fan of his book "The Power of Electronic Culture" that released last year (and its followup "Flickering Pixels" released in April). A basic summation of the book actually points more toward noted communication theorist Marshall McLuhan than Hipps as Hipps admittedly borrows much of his teaching from McLuhan. What each says is that the message is so intertwined with the medium used to project it that when the medium is altered, the message inevitably is altered as well. This stands in stark contrast to the accepted perspective in the general church that "we will use any method available but the message will always stay the same!" What Hipps (and ultimately McLuhan) is saying is that you cannot separate the two systems, they are way too tightly intertwined. An example: prior to the advent of the printing press, the Christian faith was far more communal than it is now, by sheer necessity. The canon existed in the hands of only the foremost priests and scholars and they shared the knowledge of scripture to the church through integrated community. HOWEVER, once the printing press came about, the entire faith was altered to move toward a much more individualistic perspective. You could now study the scriptures on your own time and did not require to be part of a community. Thus the idea of having "quiet time with God" and ultimately the advocacy of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as salvation came about. Not saying that this is bad, per se, just pointing out that the medium had much more to do with shaping the message than we are willing to admit.

All of that being said (and if you want more I really do highly recommend both of Hipps' books. Get only one or the other though, the Flickering Pixels book is basically a rewrite of the Electronic Culture book aimed more at laypeople), I was definitely excited to hear Hipps speak.First though, some observations on Mars Hill (this was my first time visiting there):

The church exhibits very minimalist architecture and decoration. There is no flashy sign outside advertising the church and its pastor. In fact the only way you could know it is Mars Hill is by seeing the stenciling on the doors at each entrance. Inside the church the minimalism continues, it is very utilitarian... and I like that. I'm tired of extravagant buildings and flashy wastings of money. The church is a body of people, not a building.
Free coffee as you walk in... HUGE plus!
In the sanctuary (if you wish to call it that), the seating was in the round. I LOVE seating in the round. I firmly believe it intrinsically enhances the spirit of community by forcing you to see the reactions of your neighbors in worship. It also puts the service leaders on less of a pedestal.
Communal scripture reading in the middle of the worship set. I am also a firm believer in the impact and power of the spoken word, and it takes on a much greater meaning when you hear it read aloud by the body of Christ. Super cool!
A time of silence built into the service. For most, this was the only time all week that they could actually breathe and not be overcome by thousands of exterior distractions. More on this later.
A lyric in one of the songs absolutely blew me away. It read "The world is good, the world is fallen, the world is being redeemed." AMEN! AMEN! AMEN! We sang that lyric over and over again, it was a beautiful experience. That type of theology cannot hit closer to home with me. A thousand affinities from me on that one.

So those are my brief observations on the actual church and structure of worship. Again, I cannot say enough good things about the experience of the Holy Spirit I felt on Sunday morning. Now, to Shane Hipps. Hipps spoke on the spiritual practice of silence. The first thing he did in his message was present a scriptural apologetic for the practice of silence. He quickly read many verses describing how Jesus would often go away to a solitary place and pray. The last scripture he read (didn't record the passage, working from my memory here) exhibited a change in verb tense from passive to present-future, showing that Jesus continually went to solitary places alone and sat in silence. The basic explanation from Hipps on silence is that it "turns down the inner monologue and attunes the soul to the voice of God." I love that description. Hipps talked about how much trouble he has with exhibiting silence as he is an extrovert and finds it very hard to stop everything and be silent. The biggest and most important part of the whole message was this: "Silence is crucial because it is an experience of the heart, not a concept of the mind."

Whoa. That's huge.

All day long we are stimulated intellectually. We have to process everything we see and do through the mind. However, being silent means learning to turn down the mind and listen a little closer to the heart. God definitely speaks through the heart. This dualism really floored me but I definitely think I agree. Hipps then taught us all an exercise in silence by teaching that a deep breath will keep the thoughts of the brain from trying to take over the heart. The brain cannot help but go crazy when silence happens, but we must be disciplined and exercise ourselves to learn to turn down that inner monologue and let the heart speak through the silence.

I really think he is on to something here and I am going to start working on practicing times of silence on a much more frequent and daily basis. What do you think of all of this? I have read some criticism of Hipps on the internet, mainly from those who casually throw around the term "heretic," who say that he is nothing more than a new age proponent and the gospel he teaches is not the gospel of Christ. Hmmmmmmmm.... I think I'll sum up my thoughts on that in this statement: anyone who flippantly throws around the term "heretic" is not worthy of being heard in the first place. Folks, like it or not, we are all in this together. Stop trying to erect walls and throw stones and learn to dialogue and converse. That is how we will begin to understand each other and ultimately, understand God.

Okay enough from me for the evening. It is late. It is now my birthday. I am 24. *insert lame Jack Bauer joke here*

ONE MORE THING: I almost forgot! If you direct your browser to http://www.jeremybixler.com you will find it redirected right here. Big plans for the site coming in the future (perhaps distant future). I am spinning some ideas in my head for what to do with jeremybixler.com... would love to hear some of your thoughts! And with that, I bid you good night!

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"If I stray too far from you, don't go and try to find me. It doesn't mean that I don't love you, it doesn't mean I won't come back and stay beside you. It only means that I need a little time to follow that unbroken line... to a place where the wild things grow... to a place where I always used to go..."

"new year's project" further seems forever

2009-06-21T22:47:00.005-05:00

happy father's day! i spent my father's day at a mini golf course in valparaiso, indiana. i drove up to my sister's place in chicago then the three of us (including my 2 year old niece iris) drove to valpo to meet dad and chris. my father's day present to dad was a six stroke defeat! oops! after that we went to red robin and had some great food and then to target. at target i ran into newlyweds mike and jessica denny! small world, haha! all in all, a great great day filled with fun and laughter.

the best part of days like these are spending them with my two year old niece iris. i will miss her oh so much when i move to kansas city. here are a few highlights:

spending time with iris inevitably brings my mind to that happy day that will come in the future when i can look into the eyes of my own child. i have many goals in life, personal and professional, but in the end i believe that if i am so fortunate and if God so decides to richly bless me, it will all be worth it if i can come home at the end of the day to a wonderful loving family. oh how i long for that day to come!

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one of the things I enjoy most about visiting my sister is stopping at trader joe's on the way back home. for those who have not encountered trader joe's, you are definitely missing out. it is a grocery store that stocks all organic and wholesome foods (for the most part!). everything is fairly priced and is of the very utmost quality. well, i didn't get a chance to stop there this time (too late heading back), but i did find a new stop that i will have to make: half price books. I found out recently that there is a half price books shop just beyond a certain exit i take to get to my sister's. i was first introduced to half price books in kansas city and am SO GLAD there is one near here. on this stop, i picked up seven books for a total of $25 (yes you read that right!). my haul:

"the inner life" thomas a kempis
"Jesus - god and man" pannenburg
"the return of the prodigal son" nouwen
"let me tell you a story" tony campolo
"Lord, teach us: the Lord's prayer and Christian life" willimon & hauerwas
"confessions" st. augustine (yes, i didn't have a copy before)
"the secular journal of thomas merton"

you should be able to sense a common theme in this trip to half price books. i'm trying to gather more theology for my personal library. i'm so excited to get these books at such a steal. i especially loved getting pannenburg's work at six dollars, the cover price is $30! as always in my blog, i will report my thoughts and findings as i delve into the stack.

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well, left over from my previous hauli have some thoughts and reflections on the lauren winner book i am currently reading. the book is entitled Real Sex and the main thesis is the idea that the church has cast aside the virtue of chastity in its teachings. i especially want to rest upon chapter three of the book tonight, "communal sex." in this chapter, winner dissects the rather recent overarching cultural opinion on sex: "one person's sexual behavior is not anyone's concern." Winner outright proclaims this as a lie. she contends that this is a result of the relatively recent advent of birth control which privatised everyone's sex lives. instead, our sex lives should absolutely be of public concern. "Because sex forms us, sex is a community matter" (51). this way of living out your sex life publicly is just an additional way that the christian community should be at its core countercultural. the privatization of man is a modern artifact brought about by the advent of the printing press specifically (borrowing from shane hipps here). that privatization of man has moved from secular culture into the very understanding of christian culture now. we ask for personal commitments to Christ yet we never (or almost never) emphasize a communal faith that requires particiaption in the greater christian community (now borrowing from rodney clapp and stanley hauerwas). anyways, back to winner: she herself borrows from wendell berry in saying that households are the foundations of communities, thus the things that directly contribute (or take away from ) the health of the household (namely, marital sex) should absolutely be the concern of the community. to end the chapter, winner says:

"To say that sex is communal is to... encourage married Christians to speak to one another - not just about sexual sin, but about all the complicated emotional and physical thickets one can find oneself in when one is having sex. It is to urge Christians to speak frankly to one another about the realities of chastity, about the thrills and tediums of married sex, about the rich meanings inherent in being sexual persons who live in bodies. It is to ask the church to serve as narrator, reminding ourselves who we are, and why we do what we do" (59-60).

i especially resonate with the final sentence of that quote. i do realize that next to nobody reads this, but if you do happen to come upon this blog, i would LOVE to hear your input on this. winner is speaking about a type of community that i, frankly, have never encountered or seen on this earth. not saying it doesn't exist, but it must definitely be rare. should sex be communal?

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in lieu of posting another old poem, i want to do something different tonight. the poems will return in my next entry. i know you're all worried...

don't look ahead, just run to me. each step will find the next one recklessly. we'll find ourselves on the safest ledge... well pardon me, i couldn't help myself. fall into your life here. if only for a while, i'm here. could you be happy to fall like a stone if you'd land right here safe in my arms? it's fine, lock all your doors thorugh the night... keep it all right here safe in my arms. it's fine.

you felt alone before you ever really knew how alone you were. an empty house, a lonely room... the TV talks the fear right out of you. you feel like someone's standing by... but you'll never know... could you be happy to fall like a stone if you'd land right here safe in my arms? it's fine, lock all your doors through the night... keep it all right here safe in my arms. it's fine.

the sun burns a hole straight through your old flaws, if you look toward the sky even on your grayest night. could you be happy now with the wind in your hair, your eyes open wide and your feet going nowhere? could you be happy to fall like a stone if you'd land right here safe in my arms? it's fine, lock all your doors through the night... keep it all right here safe in my arms.

it's fine.

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"what am i supposed to say? my talent's an acquired taste..."

"thanks to you" by: copeland

2009-06-14T22:48:00.005-05:00

well, it has been quite a while since i have had access to a computer. i've spent the last four days back home in huntington. on friday night i was fortunate to be able to participate in bethany's recital. i was co-emcee for the event, sang a duet with bethany, and then participated in two group songs. it was SO GOOD to sing again, to be challenged with learning and memorizing new material, and then to PERFORM. oh it was awesome. i must make room in my future adult life to perform in some capacity whether it be community theater or church productions or whatever. anyways, that was friday. then on saturday i spent the day in fort fun and found two awesome bargain book stores. my catch?

"desire of the everlasting hills" by thomas cahill
"death on a friday afternoon" by richard john neuhaus
"Jesus Christ for today's world" by moltmann
"dangerous wonder" by mike yaconelli
"the secret message of jesus" by brian mclaren
"the sacred way" by tony jones
"real sex: the naked truth about chastity" by lauren winner
and two youth ministry curriculum books from doug fields for a dollar apiece

all of that for around $30. wow! then on saturday night i watched the ufc ppv with my good friend dan. good times were had as we were able to catch up with each other. this morning was church and we had a very intriguing discussion on civil disobedience. the question posed for the class was, "at what point is civil disobedience expected from Christians?" and a couple examples were given: one of harboring slaves in the mid-1800's and the other harboring jews during nazi-occupied germany. my response came from Jesus' teachings to give to caesar what is caesar's and to god what is god's. in the two examples, the civil disobedience is concerned with human life, something that i believe we can all agree would be god's above of caesar's, thus the civil disobedience is expected. now matters such as taxes i believe should be of much less importance to christians. when suffering and cruelty exist in the world, how dare we look past that in favor of fighting a battle over taxes?? unfortunately, the discussion in class moved to the recent trend of "tea parties" all over the nation and several people advocated for those. their reasoning was that we give taxes to the government and trust them to do the right thing with it, so shouldn't we rebel when our tax money isn't being used how we want it?? someone then brought up how the constitution is being perverted and we must fight to protect it. my friends, again and again i wonder: what would happen if we got as upset about Godly matters (such as injustice) as we do about frivolous issues such as these?? I tell you what would happen: a revolution.

...but i digress.

i wanted to throw in this little tidbit on civil disobedience but couldn't due to time constraints, so i'll bring it up here: i read a book recently that described baptism as a form of civil disobedience. i immediately felt a resonance to that description. baptism is our initiation into a different way of living, in stark contrast with our culture. thus, it is a direct act of civil disobedience. i love that image, what do you think?

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the very first book i opened from my haul was the winner text "real sex." not completely sure why i jumped to that one first, but so far i am happy i did. i am four chapters in and am being sufficiently challenged by what she has to say about the virtue of chastity and the role of the church in advocating that virtue. look forward to some discussion of this book in future blog entries.

for tonight, though, i want to follow through on my previous entry and continue our discussion on what it means to be missional. so far we have discussed how missional means a different way of evangelizing and how it means we look at the human race in a much more optimistic light, that God is at work in redeeming the imago dei that exists within each of us. tonight i want to touch briefly upon the missio dei. missio dei, much like imago dei, is a latin phrase meaning the "mission of god," or "sending of god." the missional church is the body of Christ united together in the fulfillment of the missio dei. missio dei is the understanding that God has intiated his mission in the world: the redemption of the world. he sent his son for this purpose and sends the church for the same reason. missio dei is one of the very key foundational aspects of missional. it implies an active working of the church, in contrast to the passivity that can be seen in many branches. align this with my first entry in this series, about how the missional church goes to the people instead of expecting the people to come to them. this happens because of the missio dei. God sends. and it is God that has this mission, not the church. the church participates in the missio dei, it does not initiate it. our God is a sending god, and the church must be an active participant in that mission.

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another old poem (this one i am proud of!):

"I Reached" by: jeremy daniel bixler (10/20/2004)

I reached into my pocket
And found yesterday.
Dirty and disgusting it was,
Covered with thorns and bristles.
I quickly covered yesterday
And threw as hard as I could,
Watched it darken
And slowly disappear.

I reached into my pocket
And found today.
Beautiful, yet blemished it was,
Imperfections throughout.
I carefully covered today
And placed upon the altar,
Turned my back
And walked away.

I reached into my pocket
And found tomorrow.
Shining and shimmering it was,
A kind of beauty not known.
I lovingly covered tomorrow
And wrapped in fine lenin,
A gift for you
And for us.

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"I'm waiting to give you whatever the world may bring. I'd give you my life, cause I don't own anything. It seemed like the bottom was all that I had until now. I'd give you my life if you'd give me yours somehow."

"jane" by: ben folds five

2009-06-11T00:07:00.004-05:00

oh what a wonderful evening i had tonight. it all started with 2 hours of ultimate frisbee with my young friends at the park. highlights there included getting tackled while jumping for the disc by a freshman, getting single-leg taken down by an 8th grader and losing red rover. (i hit the ground a lot tonight! and by kids half my size and half my age, hah!! i'm not ashamed!) after that we headed to steak n shake where i was thoroughly embarrassed by matt talking to our waitress about me (sensing a trend here?) although it was in a harmless fun way, giving updates from the rest of our group in denver right now, and my personal favorite: trading our favorite poop stories. after that, i took a couple kids home and we rolled down the windows, played the unforgettable chicago love ballad "you're the inspiration" and sang along at the top of our lungs while driving through the "ghetto" of kankakee. again, what a wonderful night!! it is nights like these that make everything involved with this occupation worth it. just good old fashioned fun.

i am having a very odd week. to follow up on my entry about "thawing out," that process increased tenfold in the past couple days. i heard from a couple old friends that fell away years ago. a strange happening indeed. i wonder why... i wonder what God is trying to tell me. updates to come.

on to part two of my discussion on the missional church now. if you recall yesterday i blogged a bit about how the missional church goes TO the people and does not expect them to come to us. recall the "lobster-trap" analogy of getting them in and then dropping the trap and making them accept Jesus. well, tonight i want to discuss briefly on the restoration of imago dei. the term imago dei is latin, meaning literally "the image of God." the imago dei describes the initial state of humanity prior to the fall in which man was created in God's image. sin entered the world and distorted that imago dei and the domino effect continued all the way up to today's world.... blah blah blah. if you want more on how the imago dei was perverted and evidence of that, i will be happy to go further on that. i am assuming, however, that my audience (or lack thereof) is well acquainted with the doctrine of fallen human nature. i want to focus here on something a little more positive, though. the missional church believes that the initial imago dei can indeed be restored to its prior glory. this belief looks at humanity in an optimistic "glass-half-full" light. viewing humanity in this way leads us down some very productive roads. first off, the missional church finds it easier to forgive. understanding that the imago dei can indeed be redeemed, the missional church chooses to see humanity as essentially good and having inherent value and worth. further, we recognize the ongoing restoration of the imago dei in our own lives as well. thus, we can more easily forgive the transgressions of others by choosing to look at the value of all humanity. second, belief in the restoration of imago dei brings more responsibility. i would like to borrow from the apostle paul on this note: "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Belief in the restoration of imago dei means constantly looking forward and taking responsibility for the state humankind is in. being missional means taking responsibility not only for the restoration of mankind in the kingdom of heaven but also seeking the restoration of that which God has entrusted to our care. society could possibly describe this in literal terms as "going green," but it means so much more than that. it means taking responsibility for our planet, our relationships, our habits and behaviors, etc etc and striving to see each of those individual systems in our lives be redeemed by God's holy hand. we choose to never embrace complacency, for complacency only results in failure.

choosing to embrace imago dei means a total shift in how you view others. for example, i saw the image of god today in:

matt's humor
sam's innocence
lindsay's smile
sara's love
scott's enthusiasm
ami's devotion
rob's laughter
dave's passion
patrick's new friends
andy's way of saying things
brittany's helpfulness
kelley's care for her friends
patty's love for her family
dan's self-knowledge
ben's concern for a friend

i truly believe in the inherent good of all God's people. this is missional thinking.

so today's topic was imago dei. i cannot guarantee when the next entry will come as i am visiting family in indiana for the upcoming weekend (and visiting family means no internet), but i can guarantee that the next time i write, i will touch on the missional church's understanding of another type of dei: missio dei.

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seeing as i did promise old embarassing poems, i must deliver:

8/1/05 (written while working in a general motors assembly plant for the summer, ironic given the current state of GM):

"beauty and the beast" or "blonde beauty" by: jeremy daniel bixler

from the moment i saw you, i was captivated.
in the midst of the darkness, you were illuminating.
your smile, exciting,
your face, electrifying.
you symbolized everything this place was not...
you, my Blonde Beauty.

in my mind's eye, i saw things to come
i caught a glimpse of a dream.
you and i were together.
you and i were happy.
all my doubts were washed away...
for i had you, my Blonde Beauty.

as i awoke from my stupor, i finally decided
the time was now..
i sucked in my breath,
gathered my thoughts,
prayed that God would look over me...
and approached you, my Blonde Beauty.

the bell sounded and break had arrived.
i cautiously drew near to the area
and saw what words could not describe...
my dream shattered and my heart collapsed,
for there, inhaling the filthy smoke
was you, my Blonde Beauty.

it's a shame to see such beauty wasted,
decisions made that change everything.
maybe my hopes were too high
or my heart too eager
but i will never forget the shock
of seeing my Blonde Beauty...

...devoured by the Beast.

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"there are no more tears. we've used them all so now we'll rely on our laughter and the faith that pain brings joy..."

"etcetera whatever" by: over the rhine

2009-06-09T22:49:00.000-05:00

so as i was parousing my old xanga site yesterday, i came across several poems i had written. i will be re-publishing them here one at a time. some are good and some... well, some are a little painful. i'll start with the good ones though.

pens won tonight, as did the cubs. my fantasy team did decent. overall, a good day for sports. life is good right now.

thinking a lot lately about what "missional" means and how to communicate and share the missional vision. might blog a little bit each day of what i am understanding. first, missional means going TO the people, not expecting them to come to you. a lot of what we do in the church is what a friend of mine describes as "lobster-trap" evangelism. we conduct sporting leagues, organize events, and do all kinds of other "ministries" with the intent of getting people into the church. once they are in, the church then makes what may be a gap in logic by assuming that they will stay. to follow the analogy, they get the people into the lobster trap and then close it on them. definitely trying to think this through. on one hand, i don't want to throw all our evangelistic programs in this mold out. some of them are extremely successful and there are many people who can trace their conversion experience to this type of ministry. on the other hand, i don't think we are being true to our calling in the great commission by choosing to draw them in instead of going out. Jesus did not say "now get everyone in the world to come to you." no, he said "now go out into the world..." that is part of what missional means. it means encountering your community. it means serving your community. it means meeting your community exactly where they are and not where they should be.

okay, as promised: "one" by jeremy daniel bixler (written in the summer of 2005, a monumental time in my life)

i sat at home plate assessing the situation
one run down, one inning left
the men were weary
the battle was fierce

two gave up
three just left
four made an excuse
and five went home

all were gone but one
who had never left my side
and that voice rang through the dugout,
one asking “what now boss?”

i thought of what to say
to give a speech or to motivate
i finally found the words:
"just stay, one”

one sat with that unblinking stare
i had known all too well
and as i closed the door that night
i left one to see it through

one sat at home plate assessing the situation
one run down, one inning left
one was weary
the battle was fierce

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"you're worried there might not be anything inside. but that you're worried should tell you that's not right. don't try to see yourself the way that others do, it's no use..."

the thaw has begun...

2009-06-08T23:15:00.006-05:00

i have many thoughts at this moment. i think i can sum them all up with this statement, though: i feel like i am finally thawing out from a deep, deep freeze. i was going through old xanga posts tonight and had mixed feelings. on one hand, i can see in several instances how i have grown up in so many ways since beginning college. i feel that God has instilled upon me an incredible discerning spirit and wisdom that i absolutely know was not present in my character before. i forgive easier, i serve with a much less reluctant heart as before, i see humanity in so many broken people.

however.

the flip side of that coin is that i have lost vision of my own humanity. and i'm talking about a lost vision that has gone back years now.

i can't feel.

or perhaps more clearly: i've forgotten how to feel.

i've tried so hard over these past months and years to focus on others (a step i HAD to take) and yet i feel that i have lost myself in the process. i've learned to disguise my true feelings so well that they themselves are foreign to even me. true, every so often i am confronted with my human condition and brokenness and i have no response other than weeping, but those moments are too few and too far between. now, i'm not saying i want to be an emotional wreck who lives on the highs and lows, all i'm saying is that i want balance.

...and who knows? maybe this is balance. maybe this is who i am supposed to be in this grown-up world. maybe this is how adults deal with their issues. if that is the case, though, i guess this season of my life is my final kick against growing up.

as i said in the beginning, though, i feel i am beginning to thaw... and it feels good. i need to set my focus on a list of goals i set years ago that have slipped from the forefront of my mind:

(reposting them here for history's sake:)

i find myself often dreaming of your smile... i already know how it makes me feel inside, i just can't wait to see what form it will take.

i'm in love with your infectious personality. you bring light and life into every room you enter... it makes me beam with pride.

i love that you love me even when i am not at my best. i love that i can tell you anything without fear of rebuke or disapproval. believe me, beautiful, i want to be my best for you, but thank you for accepting me even when i am not.

your laugh brightens my life. whenever i hear it, i am assured that life isn't nearly as bad as it can often seem.

i have never questioned your love. thank you for never giving me a reason to.

i see the passion in your eyes... i know that you love what you do and that you mean what you say. i want the best for you, my love, and i am happy when i know you are doing what you love.

i love that we are connected... that i often know what you're thinking before you even say it. i love that when i screw up, you take me back unconditionally... because you know me so well that you accept my apology immediately because you know how bad i feel. thank you for knowing me.

you are my best friend. there is no one else i would rather spend my time with than you.

i don't feel condemned around you... i can be myself. and for some reason, you like it.

i need someone who cares as much for students as i do, and your passsion is just that. knowing that you are counseling so many young women who need someone to look up to comforts my heart. they will model the best, because that is what you are.

music captures my heart, i love that you recognize how amazing music can be... that's one of many reasons why my heart was captured by you.

i love who i am when i am with you... you bring out the best in me. that is reason enough to stay with you forever.

you've never treated me any less than i deserve, i intend to return that.

you are mine and i am yours. thank you for that peace.

i love you for who you are. now i only need to find you.

so yes, that is my sappy letter to my future wife. if you are reading this, please know i am coming for you, and i pray every day we will be united sooner rather than later. (and if you aren't her, why are you reading this you perv??)

the thaw has begun. here's to tomorrow.

---------------------
i think i want to post in here more often and from looking at my old xanga posts, i want to start a practice there that was pretty cool. at the end of each of my blog entries i will write a lyric. feel free to guess the song the lyric is from in the comments section. then i will reveal the song at the top of the next post. sound good? okay here is the first one:

"we don't need a lot of money. we'll be sleeping on the beach, keeping the oceans within reach. (whatever private oceans we can conjure up for free...) i will stumble there with you and you'll be laughing close with me, trying not to make a scene... etectera, whatever, i guess all i really mean is we're gonna be alright. yeah, we're gonna be alright. you can close your eyes tonight, because we're gonna be alright.

i still see your eyes... close your eyes. close your eyes."

An Update

2009-05-18T01:05:00.005-05:00

Well it has been quite a while since I have written in here, eh? Hah!

I am supposed to be writing reflection papers for a class this week, but I am being distracted by memories of Regional Celebrate Life this past weekend. What a wonderful time! I cherish this weekend each year, even though I am completely wiped out by the end of it. It is just so awesome to have so many worlds converge upon one spot. I was able to catch up with friends and family from Huntington that have supported me for twenty years. In addition, I was able to hang out with youth from Huntington that I myself have supported since they were born. I also got to hang out with so many awesome youth workers and students from my current district. We are so blessed to have a tight core of leadership and a very unique personality among the students of Chicago Central. Coming from the uber-competitiveness of North East Indiana, it is nice for my uncompetitive self to be associated with some people a little less obsessed with winning (not that there is anything wrong with that!). Sometimes I am a little overwhelmed with how blessed I truly am. The best part of this job is the people you get to work (and laugh!) with.

A short update from my life: after a long and sometimes-stressful search process, I have found a direction for the next part of my life. In accordance with the second year of my Masters program here at ONU, I will be moving to Kansas City in September and will be working with the team at Nazarene Youth International. These are the same incredible people who I got to work with during the summer of 2007 at Nazarene Youth Conference in St. Louis. My responsibilities will primarily involve event planning (District Leadership Conference, Q2010, One Audience, NYC 2011) and helping facilitate an internship program in cooperation with MidAmerica Nazarene University. I am so excited for this next step and for all the awesome things that will take place in Kansas City. I am also looking very much forward to worshiping with my friends at Jacob's Well once again.

God is good and he is continually teaching me new things along this journey of life. I am so grateful for all of the friends I have made along the way and am looking forward to making so many more!

The Fragility of Life

2009-01-28T21:58:00.002-06:00

I saw a man die yesterday.

I got off work around 2:15 and headed down Kennedy Drive to my apartment. As I got to the intersection of Kennedy and North I saw something unusual. A car had driven inexplicably into a pole on the right side of the road. Now, this intersection is a T, so the car had wrecked in someone's front lawn. As I got closer to the accident I realized it had JUST happened. Steam was still coming from the torn-apart engine. Several people were running toward the car. A man was simply pacing back and forth. I had been in the right lane, so I eventually got a chance to look inside as I drove by.

What I saw haunted me. What I saw was an image I will probably remember for the rest of my life.

At first I could make out one woman in the back seat behind the driver. Limped over and unconscious. As I was directly to the side though, I made out the driver and passenger. The passenger was another woman, head back and unconscious as well. As I got a good look at the driver, I immediately knew he was dead. I don't know how or why I knew, but I just knew. He was an old man with white hair. He was slumped over the steering column. Lifeless.

I was absolutely frightened. Should I stop and get out? I didn't know what I could do and several people were already there. Instead, I called 911 and reported the accident.

As I continued to think about it, I wondered how in the world the accident could have possibly occurred. People don't just drive off the road in the middle of the day on a busy street. I figured the man had to have suffered some sort of medical issue, perhaps a heart attack. Something that would force him to lose control of the vehicle. I tried to imagine that split second of terror that the two women must have felt before impact, when they realized their dad/husband was no longer in control. Then I thought of how precious life is. How precious my family and friends are and continue to be to me.

You are guaranteed nothing beyond this exact moment. Refuse to live a life that does not honor that fact.

I love you all very deeply.

A Few Thoughts

2009-01-04T17:56:00.004-06:00

Just a few thoughts:

Had a wonderful break back home with some very good friends from high school. Miss them dearly!

On my way back here I stopped at an Arby's at 11:00 to get some food. They were SWAMPED from the drive-thru and obviously understaffed (I counted three people doing everything!). I was second in line to an elderly couple inside the restaurant. The woman had a bunch of coupons and was getting snippy with the man taking their order. At one point someone else came up to finish the order since the first person had to go take care of something. The second person was a little confused by the intricacies of the order and had to go over the receipt with the couple, trying to figure out who got what type of drink and so on. THEN, the waiting began! The couple had to wait about five minutes to get their order (with a full drive-thru and specialty orders) and they were NOT happy. Several times they made glaring remarks to me about how incompetent the people working there were. I just did my usual response (smiling and nodding, occasional laughter) and let them get it out of their system. They finally got their food (to an overabundance of apologies) and went to their seats. Guess what they immediately did upon sitting down? That's right, they held hands and prayed together! How sweet!

On Saturday I found my very first GeoCache!

I enjoyed the response to my previous entry and will update soon with potential hypotheses into why supposed "good" people act the nastiest of all toward people serving them.

A Simple Sense of Decency

2008-12-29T21:11:00.003-06:00

Ok. So one of my new year's resolutions (ehh, just an excuse to ingrain some habits in my life) is to write in here every day. I believe it will help me to improve upon my writing skills while allowing me to see life in a different light, by looking for things to blog about. So here are my thoughts for today!

When I was hired at the Honey Baked Ham five months ago, I once again rejoined the service industry. For those not aware, the HBH is actually a pretty ingenious business. They have four different types of diversified income:

1. Obviously... HAM. Selling hams and turkeys particularly during the holidays
2. Appealing to moms who need a night off. This means selling premium frozen sides and desserts. Again, a big income maker during the holidays
3. Catering and business deliveries. Making box lunches for businesses to serve at meetings. I hear their delivery driver is always on time and is one of the nicest guys around!
4. Finally, sandwiches. We follow a Subway-like in store lunch option which is actually very successful. Lunch times are often packed.

I really want to focus on that last area of business, the common fast (or faster) food business. Right away I learned just how rude people can be toward the people serving their food. In fact, the employees there let me know that Olivet people are (surprise surprise!) the most rude and mean people who come in. Unfortunately, over time I have seen that they are exactly right. Being an Olivet Alum and a member of that community for almost five years now, I know most of these people. Honestly, I wish I could back them up (and I've tried!) but it's not possible. For some reason, people I know to be decent and kind make a transformation into rude and unkind when ordering a sandwich. They will lean over the sandwich bar, reminding us over and over again that they didn't want onions on their sandwich. They'll ask us to leave the lid off of the soup because "your soups are always way too hot!" It's little comments like that that can really bring you down, especially dealing with people like that all day.

Now what is the reasoning for this transformation? My best guess is that people who have dealt with a boss all day telling them what to do will relish the opportunity to tell someone else what to do and will unleash kempt up anger at being a subordinate in their daily work. Basically, I believe all people have this desire to be lord over someone and that desire is intensified when someone is lord over them. Thus, when they finally have a chance to tell someone what to do, they will transfer that emotion onto the person serving them. It's just a common human reaction. However, does that make it okay? No, not at all!

Being around this all day every day has changed the way I treat others in the service industry. I am now fully conscious of my attitude when out and about and try my hardest to be patient and pleasant to people at a fast food restaurant, wal mart, the post office, and so on and so forth. I would encourage all of you (all one or two!) to do the same. A simple sense of decency when treating others can go so far in making someone's day. Don't give in to depraved reactions, but buck the trend and serve those who serve you!

Intuitive Leadership Chapter One

2008-10-26T17:40:00.006-05:00

Intuitive Leadership Chapter One

"Rediscovering the Power of Story"

Keel brings up some really interesting points in this chapter. He begins by explaining how essential stories and narratives have been to his own life. "Stories shape and create identity" (32). They not only create individual identity, but they shape the identities of families, communities, and entire cultures. The Bible is absolutely FILLED with stories. Stories of murder, adultery, war, betrayal, but also stories of love, friendship, sacrifice, and some of "the craziest people you could ever imagine" (33). Basically, Keel says that stories aren't just a part of our faith, but they are a vital and essential part of our genetic code! Throughout the Bible, we begin to notice that particular words appear and reappear over and over again. One such word is the Hebrew zakar, which means "Remember! Do not forget!" Don't forget what? Don't forget these stories and above all, don't forget your identity as people of God that flows from these stories.

"In the world we inhabit today, we are scandalized by the story of particularity. We like a universal God, not a particular one." (36)

Keel says in our world today we are almost embarrassed by these stories. We set them aside for children and ignore them for any other age group. We are embarrassed (in our modern mindsets) by their particularity. Thus we strip them in search of universal truths that can be applied to anyone and everyone. We view the Bible as a handbook, a blueprint, an encyclopedia, a systematic theology textbook, but never as a collection of particular stories in which the confusing presence of a personal deity engages unpredictable people in astonishing and mundane ways over a long period of time.

The big problem Keel believes we have is that we don't know our story. In fact, we don't even think we have a story. And that lack of knowledge of our story IS the story of the modern western world! Several hundred years ago, we began to lose track of our story and begin focusing only on the future in an attempt to logically explain the question "why?" Enlightenment thinkers argued that the only impartial court of appeal is reason without tradition. Descartes is famous for his phrase "I think, therefore I am." That pretty much sums things up for this period. The rational, cognitive self is thought of as the starting point of reality and reality can only be accessed through thinking. Our story over the past hundreds of years is that we are independent, autonomous knowers objectively encountering the world in a rational way as we progress toward a bright future and away from a clouded and ignorant past. Keel claims that we, in a way, jettisoned story in favor of rational knowing and while those two do not have to be mutually exclusive, they seem to have become so.

"When our confidence in God's revelation diminished, we replaced it with increasing confidence in our own ability to discover truth using our minds" (41).

Well, for better or for worse, the church in the west completely bought into these claims of modernity. "We mistook our contingent knowledge of God for God" (43). Our faith became domesticated and made in our own image. In the pursuit of things systematic, rational, objective, and universal we lost the particular, intuitive, imaginative, poetic, and creative. Here is the crucial part, though:

We no longer live in the world of modernity.

The world is changing, postmodernism is here, but it seems the church is in denial. We know something is going on around us but we don't know what it is, how we should feel about it, and what, if anything, we should do.

Here is my favorite part of this first chapter. Keel explains what kind of story he wants to tell in the book. it is a story of living in tension, not obsessively trying to resolve it. I think that is key. Just as I said in an earlier blog post here, maybe hope exists in tension. We are often so obsessed with resolving tension or conflict. But I find so much more hope, hope that what we are doing indeed DOES matter, in the hard times.

Thoughts on all of this?

BBC - Intuitive Leadership

2008-10-19T19:02:00.008-05:00

I need to read more. I feel intellectually and spiritually stagnant. SO, I am beginning what I like to call the BBC.

Bixler Book Club

Isn't that an awesome name? Hah!

The first book I will be encountering is called Intuitive Leadership by Tim Keel

Tim Keel is the founding pastor of Jacob's Well, a church in Kansas City. I was very fortunate to attend Jacob's Well in 2007 and even briefly meet Tim. Tim is a leading voice in the emerging discussion on how to "do" church in these changing times, and this book is key to that discussion. This book is all about leading the church through embracing a paradigm of narrative, metaphor, and chaos. In the following weeks, I will be posting periodically on this book and my thoughts as I continue to read it. It would be so awesome to get a dialogue going as well. So if you are interested, get a copy of this book and let's read it together!

"Questions"

2008-09-23T00:20:00.002-05:00

in this my act of devotion and contrition
i beg to you, O LORD, for understanding.
i want to know why.

why is love hard?
why do your people hurt each other?
why does ignorance rule our land?
why do you often feel so far?
why do i feel such despair?
why do i feel alone?

and yet...

and yet i declare that YOU are bigger than i
and some things are not fit for my knowing.
(at least at this moment)

so tonight as i lay my head upon my pillow,
i shall sleep well knowing

you have the answers
you give hope
you love those i struggle loving
you love me even when i am broken
you know my questions
and you will supply answers one day.

and until that day?

You Are.

Insecure Christianity

2008-07-06T22:53:00.003-05:00

As an active member of the Facebook community, I often notice different "groups" that people join. Some of the groups I am in include "I Rick Roll People All Day Like Its My Job" (a true statement), "I Made My Television Debut on 'Happy's Place'" (another true statement), and "I Wanna See Jake Chastain In A Kilt" (I'll let you decide if that is true or not...).

One phenomenon I have noticed recently, though, is the huge influx of groups desiring to gather 1,000,000 Christians on Facebook, or the "One Body of Christ Experiment" which wants to have all Christians on Facebook join the same group.

Now stop and think about this for a second.

As I continue in my journey of faith and maturity I am increasingly made aware of the overall insecurity of my faith, and it distresses me to no end. What does 1,000,000 Christians on Facebook prove? For that matter, what is the point of an "experiment" that tries to gather all Christians? Do you think someone would see 1,000,000 Christians in a Facebook group and then realize that Jesus is indeed the Way??? NO! All this does is satisfy some carnal desire of man to prove himself better than someone else. All this does is shout to the world that we are an incredibly insecure people, trying to make up for something by advocating empty statements. This insecurity reinforces the common Christian stereotype of a hypocritical tribe of loud Pharisees, pointing out the fault of everyone but themselves. It is like a light that gathers the provocative and argumentative moths who fight each other in an attempt to prove who is "right." I would even say that these qroups employ bullying tactics to bolster their numbers, implying you must join or else you are denying your faith.

Now, this blog entry is not meant to cast judgment upon certain Facebook groups or those who join them. This is only an example of insecure Christianity.

Is this really what Jesus died for? A people who wander aimlessly in the desert and are easily distracted by societal constructs? Really? Don't you think we can do better than this? Shouldn't we concentrate more on doing what God wills of us and less on trying to "prove" we're right or better than everyone else? Shouldn't our lives be our witness?

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only those who do the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’"

Showbread's anorexianervosa

2008-06-13T10:03:00.005-05:00

Friends, I have an incredible experience to share with you. The "raw rock" band Showbread has released two concept albums that put the story of redemption into music and words better than anything I can recall. Anorexia and Nervosa are albums that require their stories to be experienced while listening. Each album has a story in its liner notes with time cues that explain when each part of the story is to be read with the music. Anorexia is the story of Anorexia, a girl with one mission: to build a tower as high as possible and to reach the sky. "'When I am in the sky', she thought, 'I will finally be happy.'" Thus starts her tower-building journey. Along the way she is encountered by a vulture, a pig, some flies, a goat, and a lamb. The music seamlessly accompanies the story and it becomes an all-encompassing experience of multiple senses. Nervosa is the story of Anorexia's sister Nervosa who desires to plunge into the depths of the earth. "'When I venture into the depths,' she thought, 'I will finally be happy.'" Along the way, she is encountered by the same creatures but with often-different results than her sister. The feeling of being entrenched in complete depravity while still hearing that "knocking" voice of the Lamb of God is amazing. The crux of the entire project is a song written by Reese Roper of Five Iron Frenzy fame. This is something you don't want to miss... and you have to listen to the album while reading the story or else you just won't get it. It takes a time commitment (around 1 1/2 hours) for sure, but trust me: it's worth it. I will leave you today with the lyrics of the track I described previously: the Lamb trying to break through the horrible voices of depravity that accompany Nervosa's trip into the Earth:

Before there was anything, I loved you endlessly.
There are no words to make way for this truth, this love for you inside of me.
And if I paint a sky with bronze or blanket you with stars,
It’s not enough to prove to you, this love inside my heart.

What if I knit you together inside your mother, with artistry...
Crafted in my very image because I need you here with me

What if I gave everything just to have you close to me?
What if my love was the only truth?
Would you believe it could set you free?

There isn’t anything that you could ever do,
Not death or life, nor depth or height can ever take my love from you.

There is no greater love than this: that a man should lay his life down for his friends.
And though I have, I’d do it all again.

Regenerative are my bones and my skin, my nerves are dismayed by intrusion.
Yet if you are gone, for short or for long it all aches with no sought restituion.
I would do anything for you, it’s obvious and in plain view,
Like the life that I’ve laid before you: everything that I’ve done is for you.

So look for me with open eyes, knock and I will open the door.
I have loved you before there was time and I will love you for forever more.

2008-05-30T10:54:00.003-05:00

From Eugene Peterson's "A Long Obedience..."

Hoping does not mean doing nothing. It is not fatalistic resignation. It means going about our assigned tasks, confident that God will provide the meaning and the conclusions. It is not compelled to work away at keeping up appearances with a bogus spirituality. It is the opposite of desperate and panicky manipulation, of scurrying and worrying.

And hoping is not dreaming. It is not spinning an illusion or fantasy to protect us from our boredom or our pain. It means a confident, alert expectation that God will do what he said he will do. It is imagination put in the harness of faith. It is a willingness to let God do it his way and in his time. It is the opposite of making plans that we demand God put into effect, telling his both how and when to do it. That is not hoping in God but bullying God.

chew on this...

2008-05-12T16:35:00.001-05:00

ideals do not exist to be fulfilled, they exist to be striven for.

"I Want To Be Things"

2008-04-24T21:34:00.003-05:00

i'm finishing up some final stuff for school and listening to some good music. a lyric just struck me from the song "give up the war" by starflyer 59. the song talks about how the singer (jason martin) has this desire to "be things" and yet always seems to get discouraged by life's circumstances.

"it's simply that i am still afraid, i want to give up the war."

martin talks about some of the biblical characters who never gave up the war, specifically paul. he says he wants to be like paul, he was simply not afraid and never gave up the war. the resolution of the song, though, is nothing extraordinary or mind-blowing... martin just continues to sing "i want to be things, always living, pressing on"

i think there's value in that. our culture thrives on quick fixes and incredible resolutions that tie everything up and make everyone happy at the end of the show or movie. further, it seems that we pursue that and desire that in our everyday lives. i mean, heck, look at the self-help industry! what if that wasn't the right way to live, though? in fact, what if that was the exact opposite of what our response to life should be?

i think hope exists in that place where one has nothing left to do but "press on." otherwise, why would someone choose to continue? i find no hope in a quick fix, nor in a tidy resolution. what if hope existed in difficult situations??? and not that hope that says "oh well, it will get better i promise." no... it's a hope that says "yeah this sucks, but God never said it would be any other way." what if that hope could fuel you in the hard times? it's a hope that causes you to press on. why? because its what we're supposed to do.

"i want to be things, always living, pressing on"

i'm tired

2008-04-20T23:07:00.003-05:00

i'm tired of fighting.

why must we always fight? i'm following this whole "expelled" movie thing and it's making me weary. why do we have to fight against culture and against science? why can't we encounter culture without pretense? why must there be an agenda for everything?

i'm tired of setting up boundaries. i'm tired of drawing battle lines. i'm tired of christianity always seeing things with a battle mindset. why are we so insecure? it's like we feel the need to prove our faith right and better than anything else. the thing is, we aren't supposed to! what we're supposed to do is encounter the world and show them the right way to live, and i'll tell you right now... throwing grenades is NOT the right way to live. it's about living life together. its about settling down for a process and not concentrating on getting evangelistic "notches on the belt." the ONLY way to convince people that our way is the right way to live is to live it with them! it's not about setting your friends down, drawing them a nice tidy diagram and leading them in the sinner's prayer. it's about being an example of Christ in ALL things to ALL people. when Jesus ascended, his commission to the disciples was to be his witnesses.

what is a witness? a witness is a testimony. it's a living example of some truth. witnessing isn't canvassing. witnessing isn't starting conversations with people having some sort of ulterior agenda or motive. our example is the witness, not our words.

does this all make sense? we're so damned misguided. and the sad thing is, in the average church, more people would be upset that i said the word "damned" than be upset about the body of Christ not achieving the prerogatives set for us by our Lord. it's not a battle, folks. it's a journey.

let's do this the right way.

"tired heart"

2008-02-18T23:19:00.003-06:00

i haven't felt good in months.
the well has run dry all at once.
the habits come easily, but they're so hard to break.
i really need to hear... to hear you say:

"peace be still, I am with you. rest in me for one more night.
peace be still, I am with you. replace your tired heart with mine."

so i'll sing songs of life, for all these broken hearts just like mine.
and i'll lay down all this pride so i can hear you whisper that it's alright.

"peace be still, I am with you. rest in me for one more night.
peace be still, I am with you. replace this tired heart with mine."

i'm so sorry, i haven't come home.

but i'm coming home soon...

2008-02-09T03:35:00.000-06:00

i'm going through some old blog posts from a previous site and found this little gem i wrote around 2 years ago. it hits me hard, and it is just as true today as it was then:

i find myself often dreaming of your smile... i already know how it makes me feel inside, i just can't wait to see what form it will take.

i'm in love with your infectious personality. you bring light and life into every room you enter... it makes me beam with pride.

i love that you love me even when i am not at my best. i love that i can tell you anything without fear of rebuke or disapproval. believe me, beautiful, i want to be my best for you, but thank you for accepting me even when i am not.

your laugh brightens my life. whenever i hear it, i am assured that life isn't nearly as bad as it can often seem.

i have never questioned your love. thank you for never giving me a reason to.

i see the passion in your eyes... i know that you love what you do and that you mean what you say. i want the best for you, my love, and i am happy when i know you are doing what you love.

i love that we are connected... that i often know what you're thinking before you even say it. i love that when i screw up, you take me back unconditionally... because you know me so well that you accept my apology immediately because you know how bad i feel. thank you for knowing me.

you are my best friend. there is no one else i would rather spend my time with than you.

i don't feel condemned around you... i can be myself. and for some reason, you like it.

i need someone who cares as much for students as i do, and your passsion is just that. knowing that you are counseling so many young girls who need someone to look up to comforts my heart. they will model the best, because that is what you are.

music captures my heart, i love that you recognize how amazing music can be... that's one of many reasons why my heart was captured by you.

i love who i am when i am with you... you bring out the best in me. that is reason enough to stay with you forever.

you've never treated me any less than i deserve, i intend to return that.

you are mine and i am yours. thank you for that peace.

i love you for who you are. now i only need to find you.

i had a lonely night tonight... and it sucked. but there is hope, even when it's not explicitly visible. i pray tonight that God can speak to the heart of my love and tell her i'm coming. i'll be with you soon...

2008-02-06T21:52:00.000-06:00

i am truly blessed.

words come slowly.

let me just say that God has been teaching me a lot lately. he has shown me what it means to love, truly love, one another. he has also burdened me, but i recognize that not only is that burden a good thing, it is absolutely crucial. i must be honest, it sucks sometimes. but i have to remind myself that the 'suckiness' of burden is a result of my carnal nature. war breaks out inside of me often. i war against the emotions that cry out to me to say things and do things that are simply not right. i am learning to see things for what they are. through maturity, i am learning to distinguish sinful desire from the Spirit that lives inside of me. it really is a wondrous thing, when you learn about yourself. it's so hard to articulate that which i barely (or in some cases do not yet) know. however, that is the beauty of the journey.

anyone who knows me a smidgen below the surface knows that much of my spiritual development has been led by the music and lyrics of five iron frenzy (and more specifically, reese roper). lately i have been drawn more and more to the song "eulogy" and i am beginning to see the song in a different light. allow me to give the lyrics:

"today, all the sources would agree that the day of their death was a cold, dark day. scuttled ships have blocked the sea and the pallid light of morning melts into an ashy gray. goodbye to everything, sayanora everyone, they are tired... write the eulogy.

no one understood a word they said, hailed them all as kings up upon a pedestal. their names scribbled on a parchment piece would sink like any ship, listing fast from ruptured hull. goodbye to everything, sayanora everyone, they are tired... write the eulogy. and i saw them as they passed, it was like a millstone cast far into the deep, blue sea.

the murky sea is black, dismal, and so deep. millstones rocket through the dark into its icy keep. a resting place for broken ships, a cemetery for the humble... no one's here to make you stumble.

if Jesus Christ is truth, then i am mostly lies. if Jesus Christ is love, then i have failed to try. if Jesus Christ is life, then please just let me die. let. this. die.

and goodbye to everything, sayanora everyone, they are tired... write the eulogy. and i saw them as they passed, it was like a millstone cast far into the deep, blue sea."

obviously there are references here to Luke 17, where Jesus says "It would be better for you to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around your neck than for you to cause one of these little ones to stumble." i used to think this was a song about the fans of five iron frenzy who lauded the band and loved them, yet ignored the message behind their songs. this interpretation is mostly from the verse about nobody understanding a word "they" said. however, i think if one looks deeper there are some definite connotations to sin and sinful nature. there comes a step in the process of spiritual maturity in which an active choice is made to die to sin. Romans 6 is all about dying to sin and being made alive to God in Christ Jesus. there comes a point where you have to let the Spirit take over. this is definitely some of what God is trying to communicate to me.

"If Jesus Christ is life, then please just let me die. Let. This. Die."

thoughts?

2008-01-13T01:44:00.000-06:00

i just found a free album online. it's called "strong tower" by tim mcallister and you can download it HERE. here are the lyrics to the title song:

this time, this place, this shirt, this face, this bomb, this plane, this cloud, this rain.
this knife, this meal, this smile, this deal, this drink, this bar, this game, this car.
these are the agents that grow me slowly blind. sewing shut these recently-opened eyes.

this job, this pay, this work, this day, this year, this month, this pile of junk.
this fight, this sigh, this kiss, this lie, this world, this climb, this song, this time.
these are the agents growing me slowly blind. they're sewing shut these recently-opened eyes.

but i keep asking myself... asking myself:

"what shame is there to seek shelter in a strong tower?"

isn't that beautiful? i have found myself directly sympathizing with the tone of this song (minus the kiss part!). there is so much in this world that is designed to sew shut our eyes. it's overwhelming.

how are you?

2007-12-02T23:45:00.000-06:00