Tantra with Suzie Heumann

Ritual and Ceremony: Innate Longing for a Revival of Tribal Intimacy

2010-10-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

We are tribal. It doesn’t look this way today but only 100 years ago most of us were living close to relatives and in small communities were we knew many of the people. Because there was no television, Internet, video games and PDD’s (personal digital devices) we all actually talked to each other. We organized events that brought us together in many ways. In Westernized nations most of this has been lost today.

All kinds of things can unite us and bring us together with ‘tribe’. The music festival season has just passed here in Northern California. The offerings are infinite and, yes, it’s about music but it’s more than just the music; it’s about seeing and being with tribe. Your tribe, even if you actually don’t know anyone at the event!

Music unites us. It is proven in brain science that two different brains sync and move together in every detail when they listen to or play music together. Our brain waves actually fall into sync and create a similar pattern. This is why drumming during ritual ceremonies, both ancient and modern, is used. It unifies the brain, body and soul of the individuals participating in the ritual.

We go to places where we will find our ‘tribe’ because we want to be surrounded by the same values, actions and activities that stimulate us. This is a process of activation of mirror neurons. Mirror neurons help us to assimilate with the others of our family, culture, society and tribe. The same areas of our brain that fire when we see someone else doing an action, fire when we do the action ourselves. This is part of what makes us social human beings.

I’ll be dancing at a festival and see another person, usually a woman, do some great dance move and then I will effortlessly and simple do the move, too. There is usually very little problem in copying the move. Why would that be? It is because we have the innate ability to copycat everything. This makes us a part of our tribe, our culture, our family of biological kin and friends.

We are copycats. This is how babies learn and how we all are life-long learners. This is also why we need other people in our presence. We are learning all the time, even when being passive about it. That’s one of the reasons we go to where our tribe will be. We go to festivals, school events, soccer games, the hairdressers (you know, the gossip tribe is there), church, the skateboard park, bingo and on and on. We are hungry for our tribe. Being with like-minded people is a necessity of life.

But all of these modern things are sometimes poor substitutes for the real thing. Deep, ceremonial tribal experiences fulfill our longing for belonging and entrain our brains and souls with an infusion of intimacy. Rituals and celebrations are needed in life and it’s time we brought them back into our lives. Creating a ceremony or ritual is easy. It requires a bit of imagination and an intuitive freedom to begin. Here are some examples of simple ceremonies and rituals you can create:
- A prayer of gratitude at every meal
- A conscious recall when you feel thankful that is acknowledged with a…
- Sitting in morning meditation each day
- Picking flowers for your home out of the garden each week
- Creating a bathing ritual with your lover
- Sharing massages every Friday night with your partner
- Reading a book to your toddler each night before bed
- Creating a coming-of-age ceremony for your daughter or son
- Holding a blessing way for your new born grandchild
- Creating a community dining experience in your neighborhood on a regular, weekly basis
- Manifesting a community garden where everyone meets on Saturday morning to grow flowers and vegetables
- Joining or creating a woman’s group or a man’s group in your area so that you have a resource by which to go deeply into life’s issues
- Making love more often, with conscious intention

Ceremony creates lasting memories by increasing the neural chemicals that result from emotional involvement in the ritual. Social well-being is far more than the Facebook lives we lead today. We need to be in each others presence so that our mirror neurons can work and our music sense can sync us and we can look into each others eyes and flood ourselves with the bonding neurohormone oxytocin. We need tribe to survive. Create a ceremony or ritual for yourself that involves the people in one of your ‘tribes’. Everyone will be happy and more connected if you do!

Touching Can Save Lives

2010-08-05T13:21:00.000-07:00

I'm a sensual kind of person. My body informs me. As a species, we humans have generally forgotten to pay attention to the information our bodies are revealing to us. We're a thinking species and by being thus we think ourselves through situations rather than feeling through situations. This leads to a systematic demise of our abilities to recognize bodily functions that can lead us to healing modalities we used to know about back when our brains weren't so big.

Scientists, with the aid of new tools and resources, are leading us back to an understanding that will help us reincorporate this deep and ancient knowledge. For instance, recent studies have revealed an incredible healing facet through touch. These studies have come about through the curious representation of whiskers and the understanding that some parts of our bodies take up larger areas of our brain matter than other areas do. Remember the homunculus? This is that odd looking little "man" that is superimposed over the brain with big hands, lips, genitals, feet, head and other features that are out of proportion to the rest of his body. He is a representation of our brain parts and an illustration of how they are mapped on our brain. Some parts have much more sensory input than other parts hence the bigger representation on the homunculus.

This stands to reason because our feet, hands and lips do a lot more "testing" of the environment than do, say, our elbows. These parts have more neurons, and more of a variety of neurons, than other areas of our body and so need more neural space in the brain to hold the information they gather and use for future advancement. It turns out that they also have the power to heal us in some very profound ways.

What's happening to you when you melt under someone's touch? You relax. You breathe more fully and deeply. Your blood vessels relax and open. Your skin responds and you feel your body more acutely. In Western spiritual sex practices, like some Tantric sex approaches, adoration is used in touching exercises. A couple will sit opposite each other with one the Receiver and one the Giver. The Giver will slowly, gently and loving caress their partner's face. They will "adore" their eyes, cheeks, hair, forehead, neck, nose and lips with soft, loving touch that lets the Receiver know how much they are loved and appreciated and, well, adored. The eyes, lips and the area around the lips (our whisker area in mammals) all have larger homunculus representation in our brains. They have many more neurons leading to brain regions.

It turns out that recent studies by a team of scientists at the University of California-Irvine, have discovered that stroke induced rats recover 100 percent when they've had their whisker area stroked (pun intended!) within 1.5 hours of the "stroke." They recover fully. The researchers have never had this fail. They cannot reproduce failure in their experiments and they are blown away by this. This means that if you are around someone who has a stroke and you gently massage and touch their lips, mouth area (whiskers!) and, it turns out, their fingers they will probably recover full from any stroke symptoms. This is shocking. Touch fully inhibits the brain from the affects of stroke. Stroke is the number three killer in the US and leaves hundreds of thousands of people severely disabled every year.

The mechanism to recovery has to do with rapidly dilating blood vessels that look for an alternative route past the blockage, that the stroke has induced, to get to the brain area that is being starved of blood and oxygen. The touching also super-stimulates the blood vessels to relax and open wider resulting in more easily transported blood and oxygen. Adoring touch and massage relax our bodies, brains, blood vessels and muscles and this all adds up to the incredible possibility that if we give and receive much more touch it will heal us, make us more whole and very possibly save us. Oh, and maybe each of us will be lucky enough someday to save someone's life by adoringly stroking their face, lips and fingers.

There are more articles on the healing power of touch and "How-To's" about touching here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/suzie-heumann/
And here: http://www.tantra.com
And here is the summary of the research for this article. Again, as always, I have taken a little 'speculation' liberty (but not much): http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0011270

A New Purpose for Sex: Unplug Into the 'Now'

2010-06-23T16:16:00.000-07:00

When we first fall in love sex is often a fevered, fumbling and sometimes unconscious act. All of our interest is focused on the object of our love and we are overwhelmed by it with a constant awareness process of the beloved. It's satisfying, to a point. After a period of time things slow down and you're left with finding new, edgier and slightly exciting things to do to keep your interest from waning.

Doctor Helen Fisher would say that you have left the Dopamine era of new love and entered the bonding phase where Oxytocin plays the favored part. Dopamine drives desire and the satiation of that desire by some kind of a reward. The 'reward' in new love is the attention from the other and the continued feelings that the love chemicals pump into your brain and body. This often drives sex. Oxytocin comes into play when the couple moves to the next step of setting up a household and possibly having a child.

Long lasting love, or pair bonding love, is associated with the time needed to, at the very least, raise a child to the age of about four or five years old. In ancient times that is the age that the child could keep up with the 'tribe', fend for itself in some ways so that the mother may not need the father's care, especially if there is tribal or societal care to help raise the child. Our love interests still run on old scripts from thousands of years past! But there is evidence that things are changing.

Ok, let's keep that intense, new love stuff, the dopamine high. Then, if two people decide that they are very much in love and want to move to the next steps of relationship the 'cuddle' affect takes over. And though sex may slow down the bond between the lovers gets tighter. Then a few years go by, there are babies and careers and a mortgage and responsibilities galore. Time seems to have disappeared and stress can seem to take center stage. What does love look like now?

It turns out our brains are growing and changing all of our lives. Scientists didn't used to think this was so. They are proving themselves wrong and it now has a name: plasticity. With recent studies on meditators and yogis showing marked increases in brain volume, increased immune response and the ability to show higher cortical, or executive function control, all the reasons for being in the present time or Now are coming to bare. And the practices of Western Tantric Sex can bring you into the Now with some of the benefits the meditators derive from exactly the same Now-ness.

People who meditate can quickly access the Theta Wave state that is indicative of deep relaxation. Deep breathing, mindful relaxation techniques, massage, yoga and no-goal Tantric sex practices can bring you to a super-relaxed state of mind. Once you have these experiences available to you in your growing, plastic brain you'll be able to draw on this relaxation, and low-stress condition, whenever you need to.

Set 30 minutes a day aside for practicing being in the Now with your lover. Make Love be a meditation, of sorts, at least some of the time. This is a more feminine approach, guys, but that doesn't mean hot sex is going to be a thing of the past. It just needs balance, like everything in life.

Begin by positioning yourselves so that you can gaze into each others eyes. This begins the oxytocin drip and re-enforces bonding between you. Oxytocin increases calm, trust, empathy and generosity too.

Breathe together. This synchronizes the heart, body and emotional state and lowers blood pressure. You can 'spoon' or sit opposite each other for these practices. In the 'spoon' position add slow, gentle pelvic rocking, in unison, as an advanced practice. This will relieve the stress of the day on your lower back in addition to putting you more in synchronization. You can set an intention, and vision it together, if you'd like, also.

Design a gentle massage exchange. Even if this is simply 10 minutes apiece it can transform you both, especially when done every day. Reverently start with adoring your beloved by softly touching their face, neck, eyelids, ears, lips and cheeks. You can then move to their arms, legs, torso, breasts, back, feet and buttocks. Don't strain, this is to be relaxing for both of you. It's about the skin-to-skin touch and not necessarily a deep tissue massage. You may even include a bit of soft fur, silk fabric, rose petals or a feather to massage with sometimes. Relax.

Take 30 minutes, every day you can, for this kind of recharge. Make a study of it and experience the differences you'll feel by the end of your experiment. Create your own super-relaxing practices that work well for you. Bring an attitude of focus, relaxation, mindfulness and reverence to the practices. If a great sexual experience sometimes follows then wonderful, but take the pressure off to start, because life seems to be about the pressure these days so let it happen naturally.

3 Easy Steps to Recharging for Two with Tantra

2010-05-26T18:03:00.000-07:00

It's a crazy life and you probably don't need to be reminded about it again. The thing is, we get stuck in the rut like hamsters on a wheel, and we can't see clearly enough to get creative about shifting our experiences. How do you integrate everything you want to do in life and have less stress? Here are some ideas that will help you loosen those wound-up strings, increase your love juice, help you relax better at any given time and radically improve your sex life. Sound too good to be true? Only you will be able to tell, once you give it a try.

What do you think when you hear the word Tantra? You probably think: "A lot of sex for a long period of time." You can go there if you want to but Western Tantric practices are more about taking the goals out of sexual activities, bringing in the practices of consciousness and relating consciously, sensual expression and the experience of spending time in the realms of oneness with, well, everything. Everything includes your lover, partner, your breath, their body, a "higher power" and even maybe the whole universe. In these times of global change, feeling more a part of everything around you helps to recharge and replenish You.

If you're putting off sensual and sexual activities because you're too tired or busy you are undermining your emotional connection with your lover and your self. The neurotransmitter oxytocin is the bonding hormone that is produced during birthing, breastfeeding, nipple stimulation, kissing, orgasm, eye gazing and touching. In fact, researchers are finding more actions to attribute the release of oxytocin to all the time. Whether it is a big expression or a relatively small dose, this is the stuff of emotional bonding, relaxation and lasting love. Five out of the seven things on the list above occur during sex!

Though an orgasm, or two, is wonderful, devoting 30 minutes to some softly structured intimacy practices can be the icing on the cake or the preliminaries to actually eating the cake! Whether sex is in the picture or not here are three practices that will keep you intimately connected and charged up while bringing you pure relaxation at the same time:

Eye Gazing is a simple practice that allows your lover to see into your soul through your soft, expressive eyes. Sit opposite each other and get comfortable. Cozy up by touching your knees together and maybe even holding hands. Relax. Drop into this experience. For five minutes sit and gaze. There is no need to smile or make your partner respond. Simply and softly gaze into their eyes. If you find this difficult at first keep with it. This will pass. You are creating bonding by expressing oxytocin and you are deepening your understanding and empathy for each other whether you realize it or not. (P.S.: You can even do this with your children! It will relax them and trust will build between you.) As babies we endlessly eye gazed with our mothers as they fed us. It is the foundation of learning to be a social, empathetic human being.

Breathing together synchronizes your bodies and drops you into relaxation. You can incorporate this practice while doing the eye gazing or do it separately. If you decide to do it as it's own exercise then try lying in the Spoon Position that is used in lovemaking. Either partner can be in front but the one in back places their arm over the other's body and can press their partner's heart region to hold them closer. This helps 'feel' the breath movement too. Breathe together: in through the nose and out through the mouth, as this method will lower your blood pressure too. Pace yourselves and find the speed that works for both of you. If you want to get fancy you can try alternate breathing also. Spending five to 10 minutes with this practice will relax, bond and synchronize your moods.

Sensual Touching simultaneously wakes up every nerve fiber on the skin and soothes and relaxes at the same time. Skin stimulation and human touch are as necessary for human survival as social interaction. When you focus on the touch you are giving, in this part of the practice, notice how your own fingertips feel. Begin by having the Receiver close their eyes. The Giver begins to gently caress the cheeks, eyelids, lips, neck, hair and ears of the Receiver. They can continue down the neck to the outer arms, forearms and hands by moving slowly and softly, all the while putting their attention on the quality of the touch. Giver, make sure that the Receiver is breathing and remind them to relax into the minute sensations as they take in every tingling nerve fiber reaction. This is a mindfulness practice on the part of both of you.

Oxytocin is being produced in both of you during this kind of experience. You are improving your emotional awareness, your trust for your partner and your memory for faces and social experiences. This means that new neural connections are being made in your brain when you eye gaze, breathe consciously together and touch with sensual consciousness. You are re-wiring your brain's reactions to your partner, something most long-term couples need a lot more of.

The stronger these neural connections are the more brain plasticity you'll have. Scientists are discovering that brain plasticity is one of the signs of anti-aging. Behavioral conditioning changes your brain and the more you can cultivate fluidity, by introducing new practices and adventures into your relationships, the more plasticity you'll have. It's up to you to choose if it's going to be negative conditioning or positive conditioning but in these days and ages it seems obvious that we are all in need of the healing power of love.

Kissing Lessons

2010-04-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

Kissing is one of the most sensuous, erotic and thrilling things couples can do together. It can be done just about anywhere. So, what’s to keep you from being a great kisser?

Many men and women complain that their lover doesn’t know how to kiss very well, and that their kissing actually turns them off. How do you kiss? How does your lover do it? Has your technique gotten a bit stale and is there something you can learn about kissing?

Our mouths, lips and tongues are alive with nerve endings. Voluptuous lips are one of the sexual stimuli that turn on both men and women. We wouldn’t love eating nearly as much if we didn’t like the texture of things in our mouths. Kissing has an erotic power over us and the better you are at it the more you’ll get kissed. The pleasure you can deliver and derive from kissing can be expanded to take on an importance of its own. Take a step back to ‘innocent mind’ and start over to find the thrill in it again.

Lesson One: Wet your lips generously, right now. Use your tongue and moisten them well. Put your lips together in an exaggerated pout. As you pout, rub the insides around on each other and feel the silkiness of your own inner lips. Imagine kissing that part of your mouth. Now, again exaggerating the pout, part your lips slightly so you can just suck a little air in through the opening. That is how your lips should feel when you are about to kiss someone: moist, juicy, voluptuous, open, and inviting.

Lesson Two: Kiss the back of your own hand as practice. You should leave a wet mark and make a small, seductive smack as you finish it. Slight suction can be felt when a full set of lips meets the skin. Attitude plays a big part in kissing, too. Are you being seductive and coy or lustful and aggressive? Practice different attitudes while sucking and kissing various exotic fruits, such as a mango, a peach or nectarine, or maybe papaya. Peel the skin away and practice different styles of kissing while you’re eating it. Nobody is going to see you, so go for it!

Lesson Three: Try recreating your first kissing experiences, as mentioned above. Tell your partner that you want to practice with them. Pretend you know nothing. Ask for pointers. You want to be a great kisser! Surrender some of the time. Be aggressive at other times. Dance back and forth with soft, slightly open, moist full lips.

Lesson Four: Don’t introduce your tongue until after you’ve been kissing for a while. Wait until you and your lover yearn for it. When you do start tongue play, do be playful. Tickle and tease. Run the tip of your tongue around the inside of your lover’s lips. Give them a little tongue, then pull back and nibble at one lip. Run a finger erotically across their inner lips and then leave it in the corner of their mouth while kissing them. This gives a sense of urgency to the deeper kisses and adds extra sensuousness to the act.

Lesson Five: In Tantric practice the lower lip on the man provides a direct channel to his sexual organ’s excitement, so gently suck and kiss his lower lip. For women, the upper lip connects energetically to the clitoris so as the woman sucks the man’s lower lip he can gentle suck her upper lip. Nibbling and soft biting are kissing techniques from the Kama Sutra and definitely apply too!

Lessons Six Through 1001 (as in the Arabian Nights Tales): Sensuously introduce warm chocolate, juice, or a liqueur into your lover’s mouth before kissing. Share it back and forth. Lick the drips off of their lips in the most luscious way you can. Use your soft lips to kiss your lover’s body all over. Ears are highly erogenous, so kiss, lick, nibble, suck and bite an ear lobe and breathe softly into the ear. You can create even more sensual pleasure if you slip down and kiss and bite their neck. Get creative and have fun!

If YOU have any great tips on kissing please, let us hear them!

The Yoga of Sex Muscles

2010-03-22T17:37:00.000-07:00

Today's PC muscle exercises, or Kegel exercises, are not the ones your mother might have done. Oh no, they've been upgraded a whole lot so it's surprising that they aren't considered one of the "yogas". The truth is that they are a type of yoga. Mindfulness, along with these physical exercises, was taught by many ancient traditions for both men and women.

Dashing off a couple of squeezes here and there is not what I'm talking about. Learning and practicing the correct way to do Kegel exercises isn't hard but it is important to do them right for the desired physical benefits. There are many reasons to do these little gems of internal exercise. They radically improve arousal, blood flow to the pelvic region, strength of grip of the phallus during intercourse, bladder control, amount of orgasm and strength of orgasm, lasting longer, stronger erections, prostate health, thickness of pelvic floor muscles, health of internal organs and more. I recently had to have a sonogram of my lower abdomen and the doctor exclaimed, with some excitement, that my uterus looked like that of a 35 year old. I'm quite a bit older than that, and have had three grown children too, but I attribute this to years of doing my Kegels.

I began doing Kegels many years ago because I wanted to tighten my muscles for more "feeling" during sex. Then I began to get into the more subtle facets of using those built-up muscles to explore the "courtesan" in me. Many stories exist of women so highly trained that they could grip a man's phallus and not let go until they chose to. The Kama Sutra lists the sex technique Vadavaka as "The Mare's Trick" and a skilled woman could rhythmically and consciously massage and "milk" with her pelvic muscles. What the literature doesn't tell is that by learning and enabling this set of muscles the body core becomes more stable and healthy.

However, the yoga part has to do with the awareness and mindfulness that more advanced practices bring. Learning to do PC muscle exercises correctly is the first step to learning how to employ "bandhas" during regular yoga practice or even breathwork (pranayama) and meditation. By locking the pelvic muscles, and visualizing the upward movement of energy throughout the inner body, the topography of the interior organs can be felt and explored. This is called proprioception. Proprioception - from Latin proprius, meaning "one's own", and perception - one of the human senses. This term is often referred to only for outer limbs but it pertains to our inner topography as well. When we pay attention we can begin to feel our bladders, uteruses, prostate glands, cervixes, many of our organs and other soft tissues. This, in turn, aids visualization and potential healing.

In studies with athletes, scientists have discovered that they can improve the muscle strength and performance skills of the athletes by up to 15 percent when they use visualization to imagine their muscles growing or their game improving. This is also the case with learning the relaxation techniques that go with mastering ejaculation control. This pertains to pelvic muscles too. Evidence is growing that we create our own realities by our thoughts and actions, at least to some degree. We can take advantage of this fact to enhance the experiences of our lives.

Here we are on earth. We have a life that we have created to the best of our abilities. Yet both learning new "things" and refining what we already know are very important aspects to a cultivated life. This is what mindfulness is and what further refinement is when we are constantly improving our ability to "know" our selves. It is always interesting to me that many people believe that sex is not a worthy path to knowledge. Better put, that it is something that should only be spontaneous and free. That can be true some of the time but when we focus our minds, bodies, and spirits on sex, the sky can be the limits on how we do it and what outrageous consequences can come from it. Studied and practiced, those consequences can help integrate the mind and the body far more thoroughly.

Here's a very thorough Kegel lesson I wrote and I know you can find others around the Internet, also. This one has the basic practices, inquiry questions and advanced steps for visualizing and moving energy.

Jivamukti founder David Life says it very well in this quote on YogaJournal.com: "Through gradual refinement, mula bandha becomes less muscular and more subtle, energetic, and etheric. This movement from outside to inside, from mundane to rarefied, from unconsciousness to enlightenment, is the basic pattern of transcendental yogic awakening. On an energetic level, mula bandha allows us to feel, restrain, and then direct our energies toward enlightenment. Finally, when practicing mula bandha on the highest level, the yogi sees the Divine in all with equanimity and detachment."

Partner As Guru:Relationship As An Evolutionary Tool

2009-12-04T14:34:00.000-08:00

Suzie Heumann

I once proposed to my husband that we choose 'Devotion' with a big 'D'. I meant that we would be completely devoted to each other 100 percent. Let me define that a little further. That would look like we idolized each other. We would see each other as God and Goddess and there wouldn't be any 'if, and or buts' about it. Period.

One of the ways I defined it meant that we could make 'loving, critical assessments' of the other. You got it - criticisms - and the other would lovingly take it for what it was - a guru-like practice that the criticized one needed to hear and subscribe to. Yeah, right. I was quite naive. That was a long time ago; we've been married for 30 years!

I had an agenda. I wanted him to love me unconditionally because I felt that I had loved him that way for many years and he hadn't reciprocated the way I wanted him to. This is unconditional? Obviously this isn't the way to heal from whatever it was that caused me to even think I could get what every woman (and man for that matter) fantasizes about and thinks they want - pure devotion. Ah...

Devotion might look like what a student has with a teacher or an aspirant has with a guru. Of course, the teacher must be true and of a high mind and the guru must be of the best kind with the highest goals of his or her student's in mind. What of two lovers, partners and couples; can they be each other's gurus? Is it possible to move the obstacles of family history, culture, one's own agenda, hurts, disappointments and all the rest of the deeply embedded stuff we bring along with us aside and actually guide our partner along in life?

Lover as guru might be possible if the couple sees themselves as divine manifestations of the cosmic couple: Shiva (the male principle in Hindu cosmology) and Shakti (the female principal). Seeing and holding ones self and lover as the cosmic couple representing universal energy might hold a clue to this transformative process. The polarity or dualistic aspects of everything around us from male and female, God and Goddess, fire and water, truth and lie, giver and receiver - are only outer manifestations of the universe creating an interesting life for us. The cause of suffering, however, is a perceived separation of the self from the universal.

What if you really, fully embraced 'Partner/Lover as Guru'? Watch this short video of a conversation I had with Mark and Patricia who are a well-known Tantric teaching couple. They have some spirited words of wisdom for us all:

Sensual Intimacy Video

So, what would life look like? For one thing you would have to put aside ego and reaction to criticism. In fact, better yet, you would not have the concept of 'criticism' running your emotional process. Relationship would need to feel like a loving parent or grandparent who cares, has compassion, understand your hurts, lets you speak and listens to you, holds your hand when you need it and lets you struggle when you don't. Your guru would have loving words to direct, console, teach and guide you and you would have the skills to receive and to give back in turn. The separations of jealousy, anger, fear, desire, envy and pride wouldn't hold much weight. Trust would grow strong. Helping others, not just your own partner or family, would become easy and effortless.

When you see yourself as an intrinsic part of everything and representative of everything it becomes easier to hold the influence that you might have with others to a higher standard. Each partner might try to take the other higher and have the other's evolution in mind. Life would become more of a collaboration and dance. Each generation beyond ours would become more empowered, more trusting, more loving, more compassionate.

How do you do this even when you don't want to? Can you step up to the plate, even a little?

Sex And The Memory of Sexual Experience

2009-11-16T21:12:00.000-08:00

Recent scientific research is beginning to investigate the relationships between experience and the memories of experience. Researchers are seeing that certain areas of the brain light up depending on the thoughts, actions and experiences of a person. Detailed maps of the brain now exist for the repeated patterns that we human's experience. There are precise regions of the brain that light up when we see our child or grandchild. Everyone has similar patterns with slight variations that depend on how you feel about that child or grandchild. The rush of 'love' chemicals; dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, opiates and other neurotransmitters, fill our body and brain quickly to produce the incredible feelings of love and attachment that are involved in the profound moment when that child's eyes light up upon seeing you and hugging you.

Like any event, if this series of actions happens a few times, the solidifying effect in your body/brain becomes codified and remains. If you come across a picture of that child, and the memory of the happy face and hug has the opportunity to become visceral, you can experience the same 'rush' though you may be sitting by yourself half way across the world. The same exact regions of your brain are lighting up as they did when the real event happened. That's why we can cry at the drop of a hat sometimes or smile when nothing but a fond memory traces our mind. And we can experience even more physical manifestations during these memories too. You only have to recall a very bad memory or experience, to 'feel' it all over again in your body.

Our memories dictate how we will feel about a similar situation because our brain and body is coded from past experience. If you are a person who has had a series of unfortunate or 'bad' experiences with intimacy, relationship or sexuality, these memories are codified in your brain/body. You probably relate to them as 'real' and consider that they will always be a part of you. Scientists are discovering that this isn't true. Our brains are much more 'plastic' than they ever understood. But how do we change our mind/body experiences, and memories of the experiences, so that we can have a fresher, newer outlook? How do we shift if we're so plastic?

One of the tenants of neo-Tantra is just say 'Yes' to everything! While I actually don't advocate for that, especially for beginners, I do believe that saying yes sometimes, with a calculated risk assessment, is a very good thing. When you say yes to something that is risky you are being brave and you are probably about to have an experience that will make a shift in your perspective, especially if you make the decision to go forward consciously. That shift has the potential to lead you out of a negative feedback loop and into a more balanced attitude about the past experiences that do not feel so good now. This takes courage to change.

Scientists are beginning to understand that it takes very little brain 're-wiring' to make changes in our brains but the 'little' has to be pretty big to make the change. In other words, risk, boundary breaking and most importantly trust has to occur in order to make the profound changes that are needed. So if you have had some not-so-pleasant experiences with intimacy, or maybe reaching an orgasmic state, then a whole new way of approaching the situation may cause a break through to occur. Your brain/body can make a profound change for the better.

Many people have done this during experiences with skilled teachers, healers and workshop leaders in the Tantra community. Sometimes it's difficult and sometimes it happens easily. There's no guarantee ever but one thing that is assured is that the door will open to the opportunity to see things differently; to understand that our brains, bodies and memories are not frozen in us but malleable and changeable. Old memories can be transformed and new ones can grow and nourish us more fully.

On a personal level, I believe that the mind, body and 'spirit' manifest powerfully within us. They work so tightly together that it is a small wonder that modern science hasn't made more discoveries about their interconnectedness than it has in recent years. It makes me wonder if we will be able to keep up emotionally, educationally and rationally with many of these discoveries. Reading and studying about scientific breakthroughs is an important part of basic education and many of the current fascinating discoveries would help us right now with personal growth and evolution. Yet it takes years for many of these discoveries to come to light.

I know that scientists like to have proven results, beyond a doubt, but in the fields of sexuality, spirituality, energy, quantum physics, meditation and neurology the many deductions that can be formed from the current science aren't being expressed, and speculated on, as much as I would like to see. Maybe speculative ideas are going on behind closed doors, in the academic institutions doing research in these areas, but I would like to hear more about them.

Suzie Heumann is the founder of Tantra.com. She studies, writes, has authored three books and makes films about conscious sex, Tantra and the Kama Sutra. Check out Tantra.com Premium for the most comprehensive tantra training available on the Internet!

Thank You Darwin: Phallus Evolution

2009-10-20T14:54:00.000-07:00

It's Darwin's 200th birthday this year and we'll be hearing a lot about him, I'm sure. I'm looking forward to seeing the new movie Creation, which is about his life and will include a look at his fear of reporting all he understood about evolution. Given the Victorian culture he lived in, no wonder he hesitated for some 50 years before he put On The Origin of Species out to the public.

My own evolution wanderings have caused me to wonder for a long time about why the human penis is structured the way it is. Why would evolution make the penis have a head on it, with an obvious bulbous, almost ad-on bigger part? Why does it have that extra skin, the foreskin, added to the mix? And, for that matter, why is that skin cut off (I know about the religious part, I just mean how did it really start)? I won't be covering that one.

I have some ideas about all of this and I'm hoping you'll chime in too.

Why do pigs have corkscrew penises? Why do Orcas' have bones in theirs and ends that 'grab' on to things? Why do some monkeys have barbs on theirs? I don't really care so much about these penises except that they do show that there is a vast arena of shapes, sizes and peculiarities about the phallus world. But most animal penises are straight and smooth so why does the human penis have a head on it?

If you consider the details in the shape of every male phallus you can't help but notice the head attached to the shaft. It is almost unique in the world of animals. The great, revered, male tool goes along nice and straight, for the most part, and then, right there on the end, it has a head on it - a nice generous head, for that matter, but an add-on piece non-the-less. The interior tissue is even different than that of the shaft. Some penises have bigger heads than others but, basically, it's there. There are more nerve endings near the underside called the frenulum where the foreskin is attached and around the head (the corona), and more girth, generally speaking. It's also got an interesting shape sort of like a heart or arrowhead with one side longer than the other. All-and-all, a little strange when it comes down to it.

Of course, I have a theory.

Close to the point of no-return, or ejaculation, the head of the penis actually swells. This can be felt by some women (with tight PC muscles) and can allow them to help their man learn ejaculation mastery by slowing down and reminding their lover to breathe and relax. The partners have to be pretty darn connected, though, so don't rely on just this method without practice.

Upon closer examination you can see that the upper lip of the head, or corona, is thicker than the lower part on the frenulum side. In some men it is a lot thicker. If you consider frontal intercourse positions (something that is supposed to distinguish us from many of the higher apes) then what is this thickness for? Why is it there? Evolutionarily there is always a reason.

I propose it is there for direct stimulation of the G-spot. There is no other reason. Evolution has triumphed yet again! Oh yeah, and we women are the lucky receivers of this male evolution, though we helped men co-create it. Many thanks to you evolving guys for your care in doing this for us! Seriously.

Being of the firm belief that doing your Kegel or PC muscle exercises (more on these in a future post) every day is of the utmost importance, I see a connection between these muscles, just to the interior of a woman's yoni (Sanskrit for vagina), and the head on the penis. The G-spot is located just beyond the entrance to the yoni and also just beyond the layer of muscles call the Pubococcygeus muscles or PC muscles. These muscles get thick upon adequate exercise. When they are very strong and in good shape all kinds of good Karma comes to the person who has exercised them. No leaking upon dancing or laughing, much stronger orgasms, orgasms - period, female ejaculation, exotic artist-like abilities during sex and a pelvic floor that can hold up your insides through thick and thin.

The thicker the muscles get, and the tighter the opening, the better in shape the muscles are. What happens is that a wall builds up at the entrance of the yoni that is formidable. This thicker 'wall' actually enhances the G-spot area but for purposes here let's just say that on the inside of that wall, a barrier to exit is created when her muscles are strong. As the ridge of the phallus head passes by the G-spot, on the outstroke, it gets 'caught' on the enhanced muscles and provides much more stimulation to the G-spot area. That thick ridge is there for a purpose - woman's pleasure. If the man pauses here and makes little tiny in-and-out movements it could send her into orgasm. If she squeezes her muscles just as he is at the end of his outstroke, well...

Understanding this can make a huge difference in how both lovers interact during intercourse. Here's the best video example I can give that will visually show the ridge's importance to the G-spot. Watch specifically the head of the lovely anatomically correct bone dildo as it comes back out from the ring I'm making with my thumb and forefinger.

Let's keep co-evolving! Comments and experiences please!

Suzie Heumann is the founder of Tantra.com. She studies, writes, has authored three books and makes films about conscious sex, Tantra and the Kama Sutra. Check out Tantra.com Premium for the most comprehensive tantra training available on the Internet!

Add Intensity To Life: Pay Attention

2009-10-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

I'm reminded of Witness Consciousness today. The world is changing outside of my window. Fall is splashing her golden hues all over the place and this makes it relatively easy to be hyper-conscious of the beauty and life that is all around me. Forget stress, the economy and my messy house - it's gorgeous out there!

It takes many varying practices to become more conscious. Right now I'm paying attention to nature in all of its glory. Last night I was paying attention to breath, sensual sensations and my G-spot. Later today I will even pay good attention to finishing my taxes. It's all the same really.

How does one promote consciously being able to witness ones self? There are many, many ways but I like to use the breath as a starting point. Watching my breath and breathing into my belly - softly, fully - is one of the practices I like. It's like a mini-meditation each time I do it.

Years ago I started this practice and would remember it maybe 20 times a day. I would put post-its on the front door and stickers on the steering column of my car. I would try to 'just remember' - I used all kinds of mechanisms to learn to pay attention to how I was breathing. The interesting thing is that this practice got me used to remembering multiple times a day to just pay more attention to whatever I was doing. The other sure-fire way is to practice meditation.

Research in the past few years is confirming that practices like meditation improve not only focus and attention but that it improves cognition, also. This is not only true of those practiced at meditation but of those new to the practice, too. A study reported in June of 2007 from researchers Amishi Jha and Michael Baime of the University of Pennsylvania found that mediation changes the way the brain works at the level of attention, the ability to prioritize, manage tasks and goals, focus on specific information and stay alert in whatever environment a person might find themselves in. Research has also found that improving attention makes whatever you are experiencing seem more intense.

Once I felt accomplished in my practice of mini breathing meditations, so that I could more fully witness myself, I moved this practice more deliberately to sex. After years of practicing and learning all about my body, my lover's body and all the myriad ways we could pleasure each other I could finally let go of the 'thinking' about those moves and begin to 'witness' my self during sexual experiences. This isn't about judgment or critical thinking or even imagination or fantasy - it's about the gentle practice of witnessing. To witness one simply watches with ease and wonder what is happening to them.

When you get good at this it becomes really useful. If I'm enjoying some great sex and I notice "Oh, that is an interesting sensation. I'm going to breathe into that touch, put more attention on it and see what happens." Or maybe we've gotten ourselves into a new position and I like it but I notice that my G-spot isn't quite being stimulated to my liking. We don't stop what we're doing and find a new position I simply move slightly one way or another to make a subtle shift. If I hadn't been able to gently 'witness' this about myself I could have blamed, gotten frustrated or even quit all together.

It's just like that, simple and useful. The 'witness' helps us to add on to the experience. When you get good at this you can really explore and up-the-ante on your experiences, what ever they are. It's a playful practice that becomes an increasingly interesting sort of arousal stimulator. And I'm using it today because of the beauty all around me - nature is arousing me and I'm using this experience to make it even more exquisite so I can enjoy the taxes and enjoy the garden and enjoy the sex and enjoy this life!

Playfulness - Can Getting Experimental Lead To Orgasm?

2009-09-21T15:19:00.000-07:00

Women have a lot of complaints about their male lovers. It's one of the reasons that women are unhappy, I think. They get frustrated feeling as though they have to teach their lover over and over again and then, over the years, they just give up. Great sex doesn't happen naturally despite the prevalence of the myth that says it's supposed to 'just happen naturally'.

I am sure that the most inspiring, out-of-this-world sex you've ever had was a result of good technique, great set and setting (music, lighting, location, vibes), playfulness, a lengthy time period but most importantly a lover who was fully present with you. This combination of factors doesn't just happen naturally. It takes practice and consciousness.

The truth is, though, that you are responsible for your own pleasure. You're lover isn't responsible, you are. It helps to have a trained lover but there are ways that women can better advocate for themselves in the arena of great sex. It requires work (fun work), a sense of playfulness, a commitment to conscious communication, body knowledge, a sense of your own adventure-driven nature, time and a sense of amazement and wonderment.

Surveys and sexuality reports tell us that roughly 20% of sexually active women have orgasms during intercourse. Assumptions will need to be made about that number because we don't know if that includes manual stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse or not and several other issues that might skew the statistics. I personally find this number to be a sad testament to Western culture's lack of understanding that sex is a healthful addition to anything we might do for our physical and mental wellbeing.

Orgasms are important to women no matter how convincing the idea of being in pleasure without being goal oriented is. Some of the time you can do this and some of the time you want an orgasm, pure and simple. Cultural constraints, modern media, lovers and friends can all influence how you might feel about your body, emotions and your ability to orgasm. Sometimes you just want what she's having and you want it now. If that's the case with you then find your lover, get playful and read this:

The famous anthropologist Desmond Morris wrote: "A group of 27 couples were asked to vary their sexual positions experimentally, employing postures that would allow greater stimulation of the two vaginal 'hot spots', and it was found that three-quarters of the females involved were then able to achieve regular vaginal orgasms."

In other words, it has been confirmed that becoming more uninhibited, playful and less self-conscious are all important ingredients in freeing orgasms and in producing multiple orgasms in women. Sexual liberation can translate to sexual ecstasy when a sense of freedom and playfulness is brought to lovemaking. Experimenting with even the most subtle of movements, or shifts of a single position, can make a huge difference in getting the right kind of stimulation. You can't find those distinctions unless you are playing.

Here's a position from the Kama Sutra that you can try being playful with. See my short video explaining a bit about the best angles of penetration for intercourse:

Kama Sutra Positions Angles Video

The Kama Sutra Position: The Splitting of the Bamboo
In this position the woman lies down on her back and the man straddles her as in the Missionary Position. She then raises one of her legs and places it on her lover's shoulder. Her other leg stretches out to the couple's side or she can bring it up closer to her body by bending it at the knee. After a brief time the legs are switched and then switched again creating a back and forth motion that can sweep the head of the penis across the G-spot in a windshield wiper like fashion.

In this position the woman may discover that one side works far better for her than the other. If the couple decides to stay in that position for a while she can begin to move her buttocks and legs in small, specific ways to increase the friction and pleasure. She can lift her buttocks, shift it to one side slightly, have her lover put a small pillow under her on one side or the other, slide her leg up further on his shoulder - I think you get the picture. There are a million subtle shifts that can occur that will make a significant difference in the results.

Try this one over the weekend. Let me know how it goes!

Suzie Heumann is the founder of Tantra.com. She studies, writes, has authored three books and makes films about conscious sex, Tantra and the Kama Sutra. Check out Tantra.com Premium for the most comprehensive tantra training available on the Internet!

Got Chakras?

2009-08-19T16:56:00.000-07:00

I think about my charkas all of the time. They’re kind of ingrained in my mind. I have a relationship with my charkas. They inform me about how I’m doing, what I might want to shift about what I’m doing, how to perfect a certain posture or attitude, when to connect my heart with my powerful drive and more things like that. By using the understanding I have of my chakras in these ways I can promote my own better wellbeing.

One of the best ways I get in touch with my charkas is to sit and breathe from the base of my spine up to my crown, following my spine all the way up with my mind and breath. During each slow breathe in I quickly visualize each chakra as the breath moves through and past it. I will often do my Kegels, or more precisely bandas ( a banda is a lock of the PC muscles and the anal muscles), in a seven-step sequence to correspond to my charkas and breath movement up the spine. It’s easy to learn to do this and very effective to help learn to visualize the chakras more fully.

This all works especially well during intercourse as I can imagine the energy and upward thrusting coursing through my body and up towards my head. I can move the energy freely and effortlessly because I’ve had my solo practice. Even when it comes to simple belly breathing it’s very important to do some of the basic Tantric practices solo. Don’t expect to be able to be in full command of your mind and body if you haven’t done some practice by yourself!

If you’d like to learn more about the charkas here’s a good overview of them:
http://www.tantra.com/tantra/tantra_yoga/lesson_the_chakras.html

Pheromones – Can You Tell?

2009-07-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

All animals use the sense of smell to tell them a lot of information about other members of their species. The only exception to this rule is with dolphins and whales. Their specific ‘noses’ migrated to the top of their heads as blowholes and thus they don’t have the benefit of smell that they once had eons ago. They do have, however, a very sophisticated system based on pheromones, as do the other animals in our fair kingdom.
It turns out that when researchers turn off the nerve in rats that connects the brain to the small, specialized area of the olfactory bulb that understands the signals that pheromones send, the rats don’t mate.

Rats have much better olfactory systems than humans do. Humans, in fact, have lost a lot of their sense of smell to other organs like the eyes. We just don’t need it as much as other animals, or do we? In small studies there is evidence that women on birth control pills have less response to pheromones. These women may be missing some of the important features of sensual attraction. And in a study of erotic dancers it was discovered that tips increased by up to 70% on nights when the women dancers were ovulating. There isn’t anything else that points to why this might be than the presents of pheromones.

If you’d like to discover the more subtle world of pheromones take a sniff behind your lover’s ear or underarms after they’ve been working in a warm environment for a few hours. Make sure they don’t have cologne on – it covers up scent and pheromones (so don’t wear it guys!). Does the scent turn you on? In a blind study women who, unbeknownst to them, either smelled a man’s pheromones or a more neutral scent, while trying to assess the attractiveness of pictures of different men always rated the men higher in attractiveness when they smelled the pheromones. It just turned them on more!

So, how do you get some of those pheromones? Don’t wear cologne or perfume. It interferes with our olfactory senses. Kiss more. Nose to nose gets us up close and intimate with the pheromones that are near our necks, ears, hair and nose. Those little chemical messengers don’t have to travel as far to reach their goal, either. Take more time to use your nose, even if you don’t think you smell anything while cuddling. Keep doing it because they are there. Treat your lover to a non-visual sensual date sometime. Blindfold them and bring out different pleasant scents that you can gently wave in front of their noses to tempt and mystify them. Suzie Heumann

What Do Singing, Throats, Orgasm and the Vagus Nerve Have To Do With It?

2009-06-29T16:07:00.000-07:00

It’s fairly gorgeous in Sonoma County this time of year and the days are getting warmer. This afternoon I rode in my car with my windows down and the radio blasting. The song was Tina Turner’s What’s Love Got To Do With It. It doesn’t matter as much what song it was as that it is a full-throated, lusty song, one that you have to open up your mouth to sing and open it big. And you have to open up your throat, too.

When we open up to sing that fully, especially songs that have a deep, lower resonance to them, we are triggering and using our vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is a big one. It’s long and it branches a lot of times as it snakes throughout our body. You can look it up on any resource site to understand it better.

But what those research sites don’t say is that not only does it innervate the throat and chest, it is directly connected to the cervix and uterus. What does this mean for women’s pleasure? Beverly Whipple and Barry Komisaruk have investigated the vagus nerve and deep vaginal orgasms in women who have spinal cord injuries. This spinal cord compromise causes them to lack feeling in their lower extremities, thus not allowing them the capability to feel orgasms by other nerve structures. The vagus nerve doesn’t travel through the spinal cord, however. Deep, penetrative sexual activities trigger orgasm via this nerve, even in these women, and they can feel the orgasms.

Here is what I am speculating: That opening up the mouth, chest cavity and orgasmic capacities via the vagus nerve may lead to powerful orgasms and possibly multiples and female ejaculation. When women emit deep, low sounds from their abdomens and with their mouths wide open this can sometimes lead to longer lasting, powerful orgasms and even female ejaculation. This all makes sense if you consider that the vagus nerve connects all of these functions, throat, chest, cervix and uterus, and that when they are utilized to the fullest extent of the nerve, and all of its endings, the nerve becomes so activated that it produces out of body pleasure that is more than the sum of its parts, so to speak.

I had a direct transmission of this ‘action’ years ago from Caroline Muir but I have puzzled over it until I learned about this nerve. During some filming with the Muirs that my husband and I did, I noticed some deep, moaning sounds she had made during her orgasms and ejaculation demonstration. Her mouth was wide open and the sounds were coming from down deep inside her abdomen. Making these kinds of sounds also causes a ‘pushing’ down or out, as in childbirth, of the pelvic floor and genitals, giving even better access to the depths of the yoni. You can even feel this when you are simply singing full-throated songs. The diaphragm pushes downward on the pelvis. I tried copying her sounds and had an immediate experience of multiple orgasms and female ejaculation that continued unabated for a long time. How and why would these conditions all work together to produce such extremes in orgasmic pleasure? Is the vagus nerve the ‘unusual’ suspect?

So, any thoughts or similar experiences would be interesting. I don’t care how speculative they are, I would love to know other’s thoughts on this subject.

Suzie Heumann

Why Does Surprising Your Partner Trigger So Much Excitement and Pleasure?

2009-06-23T15:46:00.000-07:00

Novelty increases the amount of dopamine, a neurotransmitter, available to the blood stream and brain. Dopamine is associated with the parts of the brain that involve pleasure and rewards. When we meet a new person and fall in love serotonin levels are suppressed and Dopamine levels are increased. Love is new. It’s exciting. It’s intense and it propels the lovers to do things to win their new, potential lover/partner. It’s a feedback system.

This same feedback system can be employed to re-create intensity in a longer-term partnership. It can be used consciously to up the ante. But, caution is required too because the unconscious drive to keep upping the ante can cause problems. Dopamine is kind of addictive (think Cocaine). There is the possibility that trying to hold on to the intensity will drive one or both of the couple to seek adventures that are outside the boundaries of the other.

We’re an intensity driven society. This may be why we are seeing an increase in things like threesomes, cheating, swinging, polyamory, BDSM and other behaviors. The desire for creating new, hot, and deeper connections may also lead the other direction to the recent interest in Tantric sex and the arts of the Kama Sutra.

Exciting new behaviors, practices, positions and other creative bedroom endeavors take very little thought and can add a lot to a long-term relationship. Some of the things you can try are making love in some place other than the bedroom, changing your bedroom to seem like another place, using blindfolds, restraints and pleasure-inducing items (think velvet, makeup brushes, silk, satin, rose petals, feathers) to treat your erotic skin with new sensations. Dress-up in something you usually wouldn’t, undress your partner to a slow, sexy favorite piece of music, learn a new sexual trick and try it out, wear a wig or high heals or both, have sex with your sexy underwear on, play with each other, under your napkins, during a dinner at a sexy restaurant or do a strip-tease for your lover. Get wild.

Or…sign-up for the Tantra.com Premium Member’s area and create a lifetime of pleasure, enlightenment, hot sex, subtle nuances and far deeper intimacy. It’ll fuel your craving for novelty and will increase your dopamine levels in the ‘good’ sense of addiction!

Blessings,
Suzie Heumann

The Best Sex Positions for Female Orgasms - Part 3

2009-06-16T12:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes becoming more uninhibited to try Rear-Entry Positions. If either partner is self-conscious of their body then that is the first thing to let go of so that both can enjoy this fabulous category of positions. There isn’t a person alive who thinks they have a perfect body.

Gals, most men love looking at jiggling breasts and round buttocks. They aren’t going to be critical if they know you are enjoying every minute of the pleasure the two of you are creating so go for an edge and let go into the experience and the pleasure.

If you haven’t discovered how to find your G-spot yet then that’s a good place to start to amplify the sexual ecstasy from Rear-Entry Positions. There are some good articles on Tantra.com for this. It’s best to explore your G-spot with fingers and dildos before expecting to have orgasms via intercourse. It’s a fast path to G-spot orgasms, once you’ve had a taste of orgasmic sensations with a little sex play, so hang in there. These explorations may also lead to multiple orgasms in women, or men, and possibly female ejaculation.

Without a doubt this is one of the best position groups there is. Your ‘animal’ nature can really let loose! Rear-Entry Positions aren’t always the most appropriate, though. The moment must be right. This is because it’s often more appropriate to be facing each other. Eye contact, breath connection, heart chakra connection and deepened intimacy are all facilitated through facing your partner.

Rear-entry positions enhance G-spot stimulation. In addition, they leave the man’s hands free to touch and stimulate the secondary erogenous zones along the back and buttocks and the breasts and chest, much like the tiger that uses his paws and teeth. Variety is easy to come by in this position. You can adjust the angle of penetration, the ways you move about and the depth of penetration in the basic position. This allows the woman to tailor-make the experience for herself while having a lot of room to increase the pleasure for her partner. It also enables the woman or the man to stimulate her clitoris.

Try this position first up on your knees, instead of having the woman flat, on her stomach. It’s best for her to support herself with both her hands so that she can keep her spine moving and undulating. Make a study of how it feels as this is a base to explore from. Use the different ‘modalities’ of rhythms and depths of penetration. Try pumping and squeezing your PC muscles in this position.

Now, try sitting down on your thighs. What has changed? Take notice. What works for you in this variation when you apply the different ‘modalities’ of movement to the position? Lean forward and lie your head down. This is a good position to stimulate your partner’s inner thighs. You can also help him stay focused on non-ejaculatory pleasure by applying pressure to his perineum (the external area between the anus and the scrotum that covers his Prostate Gland or P-spot). This will help him from going over the top, so to speak.

Keep these exercises soft, fun and explorative. Take your time and enjoy every delicious moment. You are becoming an artist – enjoy it!
Suzie Heumann
Tantra.com

The Best Sex Positions for Female Orgasms Part 2

2009-06-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

The famous anthropologist Desmond Morris wrote:

“A group of 27 couples were asked to vary their sexual positions experimentally, employing postures that would allow greater stimulation of the two vaginal 'hot spots', and it was found that three-quarters of the females involved were then able to achieve regular vaginal orgasms.”

In other words, it has been confirmed that becoming more uninhibited and less self-conscious is an important ingredient in freeing orgasms and in producing multiple orgasms in women. Sexual liberation can translate to sexual ecstasy when a sense of freedom and playfulness is brought to lovemaking. Experimenting with even the most subtle of movements, or shifts of a single position, can make a huge difference in getting the right kind of stimulation.

Let’s look at the position from the Kama Sutra called the Splitting of the Bamboo. In this position the woman lies down on her back and the man straddles her as in the Missionary Position. She then raises one of her legs and places it on her lover’s shoulder. Her other leg stretches out to the couples side or she can bring it up closer to her body by bending it at the knee. After a brief time the legs are switched and then switched again creating a back and forth motion that can sweep the head of the lingam across the G-spot in a windshield wiper like fashion.

In this position the woman may discover that one side works far better for her than the other. If the couple decides to stay in that position for a while she can begin to move her buttocks and legs in small, specific ways to increase the friction and pleasure. She can lift her buttocks, shift it to one side slightly, have her lover put a small pillow under her on one side or the other, slide her leg up further on his shoulder – I think you get the picture. There are a million subtle shifts that can occur that will make a significant difference in the results!

None of this is possible, though, unless the woman knows her hot-spots intimately, which is why she must self-pleasure and discover them. Oh, and it takes a lover who is willing to explore and have fun trying new things. Rear Entry Positions are next so stay tuned!

The Best Sex Positions for Female Orgasms

2009-06-03T13:56:00.000-07:00

This blog will be a little mini-series of three blogs because this is a big conversation. Surveys and sexuality reports tell us that roughly only 20% of sexually active women have orgasms during intercourse. Assumptions will need to be made about that number because we don’t know if that includes manual stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse or not and several other issues that might skew the statistics. Let’s work with that number, however.

Orgasms are important to women no matter how convincing the idea of being in the pleasure without being goal oriented. Some of the time you can do this and some of the time you want an orgasm, pure and simple. Cultural constraints, modern media, lovers and friends can all influence how you might feel about your body, emotions and your ability to orgasm. You want what she’s having and you want it soon. If that’s the case with you then you’re going to have to know a whole lot more about your body and how it works in order to journey to the fertile fields of G-spot and vaginal orgasms. The positions come after you have the knowledge of your interior topography down and know your hot-spots from your not-spots. Self-pleasuring is the necessary evil! Set aside the time to spend with yourself soon. An hour three days a week should do it.

So here is a quickie lesson. You can find more out at Tantra.com, too. Most women’s clitorises don’t come near to getting the attention that is needed to stimulate that part of the anatomy during intercourse. If any position is going to do this then it is the C.A.T. (Coital Alignment Technique) position (this is a modified Missionary position where the man is on top and he has shifted his body up a bit towards his partner’s head so that his pubic bone rubs on her clitoris in an up and down (head to toe) motion. The other is the Woman on Top where the woman is leaning down, not sitting up, and she is doing the same motions as the man does in the C.A.T. position. That is, she is moving in a head to toe, up and down rubbing motion so that her clitoris is getting stimulated. Both of these positions do not, however, involve much G-spot or deeper A-spot (a spot above the cervix, deeper in the vagina, A is for Anterior Fornex) stimulation.

The first step, in discovering your vaginal, or yoni, hot spots, is to find your G-spot and begin to arouse, investigate and find orgasms through manual or digital (finger, G-spot wand or vibrator) stimulation. You can stimulate your clitoris first as it’s important to be very turned on when investigating your G-spot. Both are very connected with one on the inside and one on the outside, kind of back-to-back. They share nerves, blood flow and vibrational energy with each other! While I personally don’t feel that G-spots like much vibration yours may be different, but I wouldn’t start with a vibrator, I’d start with fingers (yours or a partner’s) or a Lucite wand. I have an earlier blog about the analogy of the upper palate in the mouth and the G-spot location so read it if you want to here. It may help.

Ok, let’s assume you’ll find it and have a good experience with noticing the pleasure, though maybe not an orgasm, in your early sexploration. You can up-the-ante by starting to strengthen your PC muscles by doing Kegel exercises. These will help tremendously; stronger orgasms, healthier pelvic floor, more orgasms, better (no much more) awareness of your body, great sex tricks by you for your lover and a bunch more reasons if you need them. The last and best thing about strong PC muscles is that when you move into more Tantric practices you will be able to move the sexual energy up, throughout your body more easily and effectively. That’s when it all gets really juicy!

So the stage is set for take-off. In a couple of days you’ll see installment two of this mini-series. You’ll discover a set of positions that you can try, modify, and try again to get the best out of them. I'll give you clues and tips for having the best intercourse sex ever.

Creating Intimacy

2009-05-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

Doing ‘things’ together does not equal intimacy. Intimacy is the act of showing one’s self to another. It is about being vulnerable and about revealing personal information about one’s self. Intimacy doesn’t occur just between lovers, either. Friends, co-workers, family members and neighbors all require different levels of intimacy. Being intimate with another person heals you and it helps heal them, too. We all want to feel connected, valued and meaningful to others. Scientists understand that it is what keeps us young at heart, healthy and living longer lives.

We think about intimacy as something that is primarily with our significant ‘other’ most often. Having a deep, intimate connection during sex is just about the most fulfilling thing that can happen for lovers. It’s about trusting yourself and your partner. When you give yourself over to vulnerable, open, playful sexuality, sexuality that gently pushes your edges and keeps you taking gentle risks, you see how sweet and easy deepening intimacy can be.

Some things you can do to help create more intimacy with anyone:

Softly eye gaze with another person for 5 minutes.
Tell something vulnerable to another person. This can be an apology or an admission of something you feel guilty about or a personal learning situation that was difficult for you.
Offer a helping hand to someone and then engage in conversation that is meaningful and stimulating and that revels something about you.
Play a truth telling game of any sort. There are some that are perfect for friends, families and even lovers. Try Dr. Susan Campbell’s Getting Real Game. You can find it here: http://www.susancampbell.com/products/games/index.html
With your lover, try setting up a time, say once a week, when you try something new out during lovemaking. It can be a new position, technique or place (like outside!). Talk about it later and each of you find at least one good thing and one not so good thing about it to revel.

Kama Sutra – The Tsetse Fly

2009-05-22T11:55:00.000-07:00

It’s been discovered that if you can stop the genial rubbing of the female tsetse fly then you can slow down the reproduction rate. Duh. (This is important because the tsetse fly carries sleeping sickness in African nations.)

Science Daily reports that: “By snipping off parts of male genitalia and reducing genital sensation in both male and female tsetse flies, researchers induced a suite of changes in female reproduction, including reduced ovulation and reduced sperm storage.

This is wonderful news, though I don’t know how scientists will stop the genital rubbing. How are they going to go around snipping off parts of the male’s genitals?

"The tsetse fly Kama Sutra is long and elaborate," said Eberhard, who described the 30-minute ritual during which the male rubs the underside of the female's abdomen with his hind legs, sings to her by buzzing his wings, rubs her eyes with his front legs, and so on. This sounds great – 30 minute foreplay!

William Eberhard is a staff scientist at the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute and professor of biology at the University of Costa Rica. "We were surprised by the number of female processes that were influenced by modifying the stimuli received by the female from the male's genitalia," said Eberhard.

Science just doesn’t get women yet. There is a lot of catching up to do! But I object to the name ‘Kama Sutra’. It’s an inappropriate use of the name, don’t you think? Geesh. What’s the world coming to.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090514130636.htm

Fearlessness

2009-05-14T08:08:00.000-07:00

“The only religion that ought to be taught is the religion of fearlessness.”
Swami Vivekananda

“Fear comes from the selfish idea of cutting one's self off from the universe.”
Swami Vivekananda

“Fear is man's greatest enemy, and it manifests itself in forms as diverse as shame, jealousy, anger, insolence, arrogance...What causes fear? Lack of confidence in oneself.” Swami Prajnanpad

How does a person court fearlessness? Tantricas are known for saying that Tantra is about saying ‘Yes’ to everything. That’s scary if you think about it. But it doesn’t have to be so extreme. What is a little fear that you might tackle? How about during lovemaking? Find something that you would like to transform, to break through a cycle that you know isn’t serving you, and look at what it might take to change it.

As you get older two things can happen; you can either open up more or shut down more. If you begin asking questions about the source of a notion, idea or limitation often you can make a breakthrough that helps you take the next steps towards creating a new way of being or maybe even a practice. ‘Living well’ is an art form and can be perfected by taking small risks.

Maybe it’s about just saying ‘Yes’ sometimes too. Magic can happen when you stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone. You learn new things about yourself and that kind of experience can make you a bigger person. It creates more self-esteem and allows you to trust yourself more. Fearlessness grows on its self and expands you in ways that nothing else can.

The next time you find yourself about to say ‘No’ stop and ask yourself if this time you can say ‘Yes’ and feel good about it. If you can take the calculated risk then do, say ‘Yes’ and watch what happens. If you do it in baby steps things should go well!

Keeping Intentions Grows Your Brain

2009-05-06T12:02:00.000-07:00

I'm reading about and thinking about setting intentions and keeping intentions. It turns out that people who have more self-control have an area in their brains that is more highly developed than those who do not keep their promises to themselves. And because our brains are so 'plastic' it is possible for each of us to increase this area of our own brains by practicing more self-control. Ok, 3 choc-covered almonds, not five!

Why would we want to do this? Self-control sounds like a dirty word sometimes but if you finesse it to harness its power then you have a tool in your basket that can help you discern and stick to the kinds of things that will make you happier about your life and yourself.

A few researchers have discovered that we can actually increase the size of areas of our brain when we exercise them. This is a hot topic these days. Exercise simply means using them more and so the more you might use the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (this is the area that is bigger in people who have more self-control) the better you will be at, well, using it to help yourself with the things you want.

What do you want? Do you want to study Tantra, have a successful dieting plan, add an exercise regimen to your life, grow your business or maybe go back to school? By planning and then executing your plan in a way that helps you to stick with it to make the most of your life you’ll be feeling good about yourself and helping your brain to grow too. By the way, if your answer included studying Tantra then you might want to investigate our learning area Tantra.com’s Premium Membership. It is designed to help you help yourself to knowledge and mastery. And it might even increase your brain size!

We Create Our Own Reality - What Are You Creating?

2009-04-28T16:06:00.000-07:00

“The phrase ‘to meditate’ does not only mean ‘to examine, observe, reflect, question, wish’; it also has, in the Sanskrit, a more profound meaning, which is ‘to become’." Krishnamurti

To Become that which you practice is the ultimate goal. This idea then requires us to look at ‘what do we want to become?’ because what we do practice does in fact become us. I am thinking of the times I get frustrated with my husband. He, and I, then become ‘frustration’ unless I hold him in other ways that will counter that ‘practice’ of thinking of him in that way. When I think or ‘meditate’ on “He is so chaotic and stressed.” my guy becomes fixed as those things – chaos and stress. I must confess that it is rarer for me to think of him as ‘brilliant, productive and a hunk’ but he is those things too.

This is scary because quantum physicists pretty much believe that we are what we perceive - literally. We actually do create our world – all of us help perpetuate and create the cultures we live in, the family we grow, our personal life issues and even what Mother Earth looks like. It’s a bit difficult to fathom but this is rapidly becoming common thought today. We are creating everything we see before us.

If this is the case then what are we doing? And when will we wake up to it? Brain scientist and neurobiologists who study long-time meditators say that the neo-cortex of these people is thicker than the average person. The neo-cortex is our higher brain, the part that is the ‘executive’; the one who calls the conscious shots. People who meditate have become able to call on their higher selves better than those who do not meditate. They can calm themselves and stay rational if they need to.

Pretty amazing brains we have. They can grow and change and become what we want to make of them and therefore make of ourselves. Meditation doesn’t have to be hard. Dr. Richard Davidson, from the University of Wisconsin, believes that just one half hour of sitting in contemplation of love and compassion, every day, can add that bulk to each of our brains and make us wiser, calmer, more loving and less judgmental. Now that’s Becoming to me!

Book recommends for those interested in the latest Sex Science

2009-04-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

A while back I read May Roach’s Bonk. She’s a journalist who writes about interesting subjects with odd twists and a great sense of dry humor. Bonk is her third book and is about, well, bonking. In one of the chapters she discusses going to Europe with her husband and getting into an imaging machine that takes images of their interiors as they ‘bonk’. Yes, how the lingam meets and greets the yoni! There are a myriad of possibilities!

I want to volunteer! It would be so interesting, and of great importance, to explore subtle angle shifts related to G-spot, clitoral, and anterior fornix orgasms. Just what does it take to actualize vaginal orgasms for women? As I have always said, it’s all about discovering the right angles of penetration for each of us. We’re all different so even small, subtle changes in angle can make big differences.

Here’s a great over-view of the female sexual hot spots by none other than the famous Desmond Morris: . It’s the last line that is the most telling: “It has been claimed that two out of every three women fail to reach regular orgasms from simple penetrative sex. As mentioned above, most of them find that only digital or oral stimulation of the clitoris can be guaranteed to bring them to climax. This must mean that, for them, the two 'hot spots' inside the vagina are not living up to their name. The reason for this, it seems, is monotony in sexual positioning. A group of 27 couples were asked to vary their sexual positions experimentally, employing postures that would allow greater stimulation of the two vaginal 'hot spots', and it was found that three-quarters of the females involved were then able to achieve regular vaginal orgasms.”

I don’t know the origins of this study but I would love to know. If you know please let me know.

Here’s another book that looks good though I have not read it yet myself. I intend to. Sharon Moalem’s How Sex Works: Why We Look, Smell, Taste, Feel, and Act the Way We Do.

And a very good book, especially for those of you who are inclined to be a bit more scientific minded is: The Science of Sex by Beverly Whipple (the first G-spot book was co-written by her), Carlos Beyer-Flores & Barry Komisaruk.

Summer is coming. Time to make your reading lists.
I’ll take more suggestions if you have any…

Free TeleSeminar today 4/22/09 3pm PST

2009-04-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

I'm doing a FREE 60-70 minute TeleSeminar today. You can
sign-up here.
I'll be talking about Tantra and Tantric practices in addition to some neurobiology and the reasons why these practices work to expand our experiences and our brain chemistry. I'll be taking live questions on the call so sign-up and let's talk!