Em on Coaching

Inspired by Imperfect Action; Thanks to JoLynn Braley

noreply@blogger.com (Em Stecker) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 00:08:00 +0000

In February I happened upon JoLynn Braley's concept of Imperfect Action, and I have been inspired by it ever since. You can read about it in her Feb 25th blog post, but basically the idea is that it's better to take action today than to wait until either the circumstance is perfect or the intended action will be perfect.

The founder of The Fit Shack, JoLynn focuses on fitness for body, mind, and spirit. But the concept works well whether your goal is weight loss, career change, healthy relationships, or any other life improvement project.

It happens to many of us... We want to make a change in our lives. We tell ourselves that we'll make that change as soon as the time is right, or the right person comes along, or the right opportunity opens, or our bank account is full. Or, we say that we'll make the change when we know we can do it right, because there's no point in doing it if we can't do it right.

When the stars are lined up and everything is perfect, then we'll make the change.

And a whole lot of waiting happens. Does the perfect circumstance or perfect action ever show itself? Not often.

The idea of Imperfect Action has inspired me several times over the past two months, usually when I'm stuck or overwhelmed. A little voice inside myself asks, "What could I do about this today, right now? It doesn't have to be big; it doesn't have to be perfect. Just something that is a step in the right direction." And, suddenly I can see all the small steps that I could choose to take.

Small=Doable=Unstuck=Moving=Progress!

Here's to progress, rather than perfection. Thank you, JoLynn!

No More Nail Biting

noreply@blogger.com (Em Stecker) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 18:56:00 +0000

I mean that literally. For more than 30 years of my life, I was a nail biter. More accurately, I was a nail tearer. On some regular basis, I would tear at my nails, each time taking one or more of them well below the quick.

(As an aside... It doesn't really hurt much at the time of the tearing. But when the exposed nail bed gets wet or starts healing the next day, then it surely does let you know that it's unhappy! Nail bed anatomy and physiology is quite fascinating!)

It sounds bad, but there's no long-term damage. And, I wasn't hurting anyone else. It was just a relatively harmless habit, something that happened unconsciously when I was bored or stressed, and generally while my mind was occupied in a meeting or a classroom.

Still, it wasn't a habit that I was proud of. I'd try to hide the exposed nail beds for a few days until they healed, no longer red and angry-looking. I'd tell myself that I should stop doing this, and I'd decide that I wouldn't do it any more. And then sometime later, there I'd be, in a meeting or classroom, and, well.... I couldn't help it.

Then one day, five to ten years ago, I had a flash of insight. For some reason, I became aware of the moment when a session of nail tearing was starting.

The nail under attack had caught my unconscious attention because it had a corner. Not a sharp corner, but just a normal corner--one that happens when a nail grows a bit beyond the nail bed. To something in my personality, that corner was irritating and it had to be rounded off, immediately.

My unconscious solution was to round it by tearing off the corner, using a fingernail on the other hand. But then that tear resulted in a jagged edge, which needed to be smoothed. So I made another tear to smooth it, which then created a slanted nail, which needed to be straightened. Etc., etc., until the nail was smooth and straight across simply because the nail bed doesn't let go easily once it's exposed by a third or more.

It was a monumental "aha!" for me to recognize the irritation at the root of the issue, and to see my undesirable behavior as a solution to that irritation. That awareness gave me an opening to find an alternate solution: I started carrying a pair of nail clippers with me all the time. Pairs, really, as I had one in my car, one at the office, one in the bedroom, one in the den, etc.

Since then, I have never torn a nail to the quick. Rather, whenever a nail grows to the point of having a corner, I simply use a pair of nail clippers to round it off.

Bringing awareness to the minutiae of this behavior allowed me to find a better solution. I feel so fortunate to have had the flash of awareness that led to shifting this life-long habit!

Other habits, such as disempowering beliefs and thought patterns, are less tangible. We often don't even know that there's a habit to be shifted; we just know that we don't like the results we're getting in daily life. When I'm ready to shift one of these, it can make all the difference to have a good coach, an external observer to help me gain awareness and see alternate possibilities.

Awareness leads to choice. Choice leads to new opportunities. Blessed be!

Why a Coach Gets Coaching

noreply@blogger.com (Em Stecker) — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 10:50:00 +0000

In my coaching training, they taught that every coach should have a coach. They gave several reasons, and I'm sure I nodded as they spoke.

In the years since then, I have engaged various coaches. Sometimes I have called on a coach to help me clarify my thinking and determine a course of action. And, sometimes because I had something important to accomplish and wanted a coach's support.

Every time, with every coach, I have taken bigger, better steps than I would have done alone. The "step" may have been reaching a broader or deeper perspective, or recognizing a belief that was limiting my potential, or accomplishing larger goals sooner than I thought possible.

For me, then, the best reason for a coach to have a coach is to gain the benefits of coaching. Doh!

Then there are reasons like furthering my own personal and spiritual growth (How can I ask a client to grow if I am not actively growing myself?), witnessing the art of coaching as practiced by others, and supporting the coaching profession.

I have discovered yet one more reason.

Experiencing coaching as a client keeps me in touch with the joy of having a coach. By that, I don't mean that having coaching is always fun; rather, it can be very challenging to witness my self-limiting habits and to change my life-long beliefs. The joy comes from walking this sometimes-challenging path within a relationship of unconditional support, in which the other person fully adopts the agenda of my Best Self.

It can be profound, truly beyond words. And, it fuels my passion for coaching, for offering that unconditional support to others' Best Selves.

Past Performance Predicts Future... Or Does It?

noreply@blogger.com (Em Stecker) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 20:49:00 +0000

In the hiring process, it is common practice to predict a candidate's potential success by considering his past performance. It makes sense; what other data do we have?

We do this past-predicting-future exercise in other areas of life as well, such as when engaging a contractor to work on the house, taking on a teammate, or predicting the actions of our family members.

I assert that looking only at past performance misses an important dimension--the person's self-awareness and willingness to learn. My assertion applies not only when looking outward at someone else, but also when looking in the mirror.

Consider how often we say "I always..." or "I can't..." or "I am someone who..." These are all ways of describing past performance. For example:
* I always end up putting my foot in my mouth during a visit with my mother-in-law.
* I can't ever remember people's names after I meet them.
* I am one of those people who is always late.

Notice that we tend to use present tense in such statements, predicting our future behavior by our past performance.

While it may be undesirable to speak poorly or forget names or be late, it's familiar and expected. No effort is required; we may continue on auto-pilot. And everyone around reinforces us with comments and actions that say, "That's just the way he is."

What if we shifted our self-descriptors to past tense? Then the statements above become:
* In the past, I have sometimes put my foot in my mouth during visits with my mother-in-law.
* In the past, I have struggled to remember people's names after meeting them.
* In the past, I was late so often that it's what people came to expect of me.

These statements are more true than the present-tense ones, because the supporting data all happened in the past.

These statements are also empowering, as they allow for the possibility of a different future outcome. But only if we are willing to stand in the bright light of self-awareness and face the fear of failure to learn new behaviors.

In coaching, we consider past behaviors for what we can learn from them. Then we design a better future and walk a path to bridge the two.

It's Not About Only You

noreply@blogger.com (Em Stecker) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:03:00 +0000

It's January 8, 2009. That means that some of us are eight days into our New Me projects. If you are one of those people, you may be remembering 'bout now that although family, friends, and coaches may offer valuable assistance, only you can change your life for the better.

As true as that may be, today I offer you this: while it's up to only you, it's not about only you. In other words, for the best chance of making lasting change in your life, consider the impacts both on and of the people around you.

First, the impact on others... Realize that every shift you make has an effect on the people around you. For example, when you change your address or phone number, you require all of your correspondents to update their address books. Changes in behavior likewise affect others. You stop complaining; others who shared in your misery have to find new company. You start exercising; family members must adjust to your new routine. You take action to improve your relationship with someone; that person must respond in some way.

There's also something a bit more subtle at play... People in your life believe that they know who you are. And, the longer they have known you, the stronger that belief is. So, now you decide to change something about yourself and you start acting differently. This throws those people off course; they not only have to adjust their behaviors, but they also have to change their beliefs.

For example, perhaps you are known as someone who is always late to meetings, and you make changes so that you start arriving on time. For the first several of your on-time arrivals, you may endure teasing or snide comments, gestures, or facial expressions from the others in the meeting. Whatever their responses, the underlying message is, "your behavior doesn't match our expectations." Consider this: people don't generally embrace change, and they don't like to be wrong. Whoops, you've just asked for both--you want them to change their expectations and behaviors, and to accept that their beliefs about you are wrong.

That brings us to the impact of other people. Asked to change their behaviors and beliefs, the people around you may actively resist your attempts to improve, sabotaging your best efforts. But, it's not malicious. Reduce the impact on others by ensuring that you make your change in a way that works well for everyone involved. And, understand that you may have to exhibit your new behaviors consistently and long enough not only to form your own habit but also to convince others that the new you is here to stay. They will gradually adjust both their beliefs about you and their corresponding behaviors, and all will settle into a new status quo.

For the best chance of success in making a lasting change, actively engage the people who will be affected. Tell them ahead of time what you are planning to do differently and ask for their help. Then, stay in touch with them through the change process.

Yes, only you can change your life for the better. Just remember that it's not about only you.

Commitments to Yourself

noreply@blogger.com (Em Stecker) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 20:55:00 +0000

This isn't intentionally a New Year's Eve post, but the timing is quite appropriate, given the number of resolutions that may be made within the next 24 hours.

As a coach, I need to have a good answer to the question, "Why would I need a coach to achieve my goals?" And, honestly, sometimes I wonder that myself.

The truth is that while some people are good at setting goals and going after them until they're accomplished, the vast majority of us are rather unsuccessful at fulfilling commitments we make to ourselves. It's not because we're slackers, necessarily, but we let other things get in the way.

Sometimes we put commitments to ourselves at a lower priority than commitments to others, such as responsibilities to family, friends, and career. After all, when we're accountable to another person, the results we achieve create consequences within our relationship with that person. We don't notice the consequences within the relationship with ourselves when we miss a commitment to ourselves (which doesn't mean there isn't one!).

Sometimes it's an internal saboteur, such as our fears about failure, about success, or about change. We have a goal, but we procrastinate because it's easier than facing the fear.

As a coaching client, sometimes I think, "I should be able to achieve these goals without my coach's help; why don't I just sit myself down and do the things I want to do?" But without exception, I get more of my goals done with a coach than without one.

Not because the coach does the task for me or with me, but in part because I declare my goal to another person who will hold me accountable for the commitments I make to myself. And in part because I am more conscious of my process, my habits, and my stumbling blocks, such that I approach the setting and working of my goals with more self-awareness. It seems so simple, yet it is so powerful.

As you set your new year's resolutions, if there is one or more that you are serious about achieving, you might consider getting the help of a coach.

Are you 100% sure that your goals are doable?

noreply@blogger.com (Em Stecker) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 17:47:00 +0000

Often when I have felt the heaviness of failure it's been because the goal or expectation I had set was a stretch from the moment I set it. There are many examples of this in my life. I would commit to being somewhere at a certain time, knowing that I would need clear roadways and all green lights to get there on time from my prior commitment. Often, I was late. Or I would commit to doing something for someone, knowing that I would be stressed to do it well in addition to my other commitments. Often, I would short-change the assignment, or finish it later than agreed.

Every time I failed to meet a commitment I'd made, I felt really bad - disappointed in myself and wanting to crawl under a rock somewhere. You'd think it would be easy enough to change the behavior, but like all well-entrenched habits, it took years of awareness and effort to make the significant shift. I wouldn't dare to say that I am perfect at it, but these days I do things better, consistently.

Now, before I set a goal for myself or make a commitment to someone, I ask myself whether I'm 100% sure that the goal is doable. That means considering the task itself, as well as everything else I have going on around it. If I'm not 100% sure that it's doable, I modify the goal or commitment to something that I *am* 100% sure is doable.

That doesn't mean that I don't ever have to reset expectations with someone I've made commitment to. Things happen. People understand that. But setting doable goals means a lot less resetting of expectations.

There is risk in saying "No, I can't do that task in that timeframe, but I can do..." The other person might be disappointed. They might decide I'm incompetent, or less competent than someone else. I might not get to do the task, and maybe it's something I really want to do. I'm sure there are other bad things that could happen, too. That's why it's easy at the commitment point to over-promise; all of these bad things are avoided and the other person goes away happy.

But then when my razor-thin margin of error turns out to be too thin and I fail, well then I surely have disappointed the other person, as well as myself. And now they're even more likely to decide that I am less competent than someone else. And maybe they're now wishing they'd asked someone else. So, while they might have felt good when I said "yes," in the end, it was worse that I failed than if I had set reasonable expectations to begin with.

I have learned that it's wayyy better to make sure that a goal or commitment is doable before I agree to it. If the other person doesn't like my counteroffer and decides to take their request elsewhere, so be it. I have saved myself not only the stress a stretch goal creates, but also the probability of disappointing someone else and, more importantly, myself.

Next time you set a goal or make a commitment, ask yourself, "Am I 100% sure that this is doable as stated?" And wait for an honest answer before proceeding.

Back to Blogging

noreply@blogger.com (Em Stecker) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 17:18:00 +0000

My last post was in the middle of summer, and here it is almost winter. Since then I've done some coaching and a lot of introspection. Before it becomes en vogue to make resolutions, I'm making one to keep my blogs more current... Stay tuned to see how well I do with that!

How I Got Started

noreply@blogger.com (Em Stecker) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:21:00 +0000

I was recently asked how I got interested in coaching. Here's what I said:

After 10 years or so in the workforce, I found that I was good at a lot of things, but what got me really excited was witnessing a person or a group in a growth or learning process. For example, I was hired to be a manager of a team that was really unhappy and dysfunctional for a number of reasons. Through working with them one-on-one and as a group, we shifted the energy of the team to happy and functional. It took 18 months to turn it around. We also did a heck of a lot of project and customer service work during those 18 months, as our team was responsible for the computer systems for about a thousand people. So, I did a heck of a lot more in my daily work than focus on the individual and team dynamics. But the part that I really enjoyed was facilitating, encouraging and witnessing the personal, behavioral, and attitudinal shifts in the individuals and the team. That's one example of several in my overall career to date, but probably the most compelling.

After that experience, I decided to take some coursework in the people side of the work world, so took a 10-month class in organization development, [apologies to O.D. specialists for the following pedestrian description] a broad field that seeks to improve the "how" part of a workplace, such that the "what" part improves as a by-product. In other words, if people are happy and teams are functional, then the work gets done and gets done well. When I finished that course, I was in the middle of a fast-paced, interesting job, so I didn't seek O.D. work right away. Time passed and two years later I was back to wanting to do more people-focused work. Considering the breadth of O.D., the part that called to me the strongest was coaching. My perception is that in O.D., you mostly work with teams of people. Maybe this is because often a managerial perspective sees the organization as teams first, individuals second. Or perhaps because there is better economy of scale if the O.D. specialists focus on teams. In any case, my perception is that most O.D. people work with teams, doing lots of different things with them, including coaching.

But my preference is to work with individuals, because I prefer to see individuals first, teams second. I think that one person on a growth path, making strong decisions for himself or herself, can make a difference that ripples through their team and beyond. And, even better, ripples through the other parts of his or her life and beyond, with life-long impact. So, I took another 10-month class, this one focused on business coaching. After that course, I did another couple of years in my former line of work before deciding that switching careers would require an intentional stopping the first and starting the second - seems a no-brainer, but not as easy as it sounds when you have bills to pay. So, I quit my job, sold my house, went hiking, and moved to a new state. And here I am, starting the second.

We're all in this together,
Em

Want Some Advice?

noreply@blogger.com (Em Stecker) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 19:54:00 +0000

I took a 10-month certificate course to facilitate my becoming a coach. Early in the program we were told, "Never give advice." Late in the program, the instructors pulled back from that a little, as an experienced coach might choose to advise from time to time. For me, etching the "never give advice" mantra into my coaching brain means that giving advice is something I do intentionally, consciously, and rarely.

What's so wrong with giving advice? Well, nothing, if you're in the role of parent, friend, mentor, advisor, or supervisor. These people give advice freely, sometimes solicited, sometimes not. But how often do we follow their advice, and if we do follow it, how often are we successful as a result? (My mother must have said "pull your gut in" hundreds of times as I was growing up. But, to this day, I'm not sure my body came with abs. ;-) )

If the advice matches an idea we'd already had, then maybe we'll follow it and find success. That's because we're more likely to put heart into something that we're fully bought into, something that feels right to us. And we're more likely to do it successfully if the approach we take is one that feels natural to us.

I have coached people who have asked me what I would do if I were them. And they've probably been unhappy when I have chosen not to answer. Rather than tell you what I would do, it's more effective to help you explore your options. In that process, I might choose to offer what I would do as one of the options. Or, I might not.

Find out what works for you. Start noticing when people offer you advice. Then start noticing how many times you feel that their advice really fits you, such that you get excited about following it. Then, how many of those times do you follow through and take action?

If you discover that advice works for you, seek a mentor or advisor. If you find that it doesn't, seek a coach, preferably one who has "never give advice" etched into her coaching brain.

We're all in this together,
Em

What is Coaching?

noreply@blogger.com (Em Stecker) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:44:00 +0000

So, what do I mean by "coaching?"

Coaching is a process of discovery within a relationship between two people in the roles of coach and client. The client has one or more goals they wish to achieve. The coach facilitates the client's clarifying the goal, setting a strategy for achieving the goal, taking the steps required, and surmounting the obstacles along the way.

So why does a person need a coach for achieving their goals? Well, lots of us achieve lots of goals without coaching, of course! But sometimes we have a goal that we say we want, but can't seem to get there. (Check your New Years resolution list, and compare it to last year's list; you might find one or more of these.) Or maybe we are in a situation we wish we weren't in, but we can't seem to find our way out. Or perhaps we have a habitual behavior that is no longer serving us, but we find ourselves repeating it again and again--it is a habit after all.

Sounds like counseling or therapy? Counselors and therapists may incorporate coaching into their practices. However, coaching does not include counseling or therapy. Coaches focus on helping people move through the gap between where they are today and where they want to be, in whatever aspect of life they are dissatisfied. If a person's growth is hindered by mental illness or wounding from the past, a coach will not be able to help them heal.

I'll leave it there for now, rather than risk sounding like an infomercial. Just wanted to have a "what is coaching" post so my future posts can be "about coaching."

We're all in this together,
Em

All Things Coaching

noreply@blogger.com (Em Stecker) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 18:35:00 +0000

In this blog, I'd like to share my thoughts about coaching. Life coaching, that is.

Several years ago I spent ten months earning a certificate in business coaching. Before, during, and after this training period, I served "corporate America" as a project and process manager. I found changing careers to be more challenging than I'd expected. Sigh!

I am intent on making that change now, as indicated by my quitting my corporate job, selling my house, thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail, and moving to another state. It's now or never!

On any given day, I may choose to share thoughts about the profession of coaching, about my journey in starting my coaching business, or about a book or other resource I've found.

We're all in this together,
Em