"2009 Scramble For Unwed Mothers: Let's All Help The Moms & The Little ***Word Censored By The THV High-Sheriff's Of Content***". 

"Well, I was having a round of golf with my wife over at Bob's course, when at that real hard number 4 hole, we both sliced our balls into a herd of Angus cattle.

We went to look for them golf balls and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white stuck in its rear-end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's initials on it stuck right in the cow's backside."

"I was still holding the cow's tail up when I yelled to Roweena, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that..."

What is your favorite beer?

Love the blogs from the trailer park. Keep it up.

Lou
Hot Springs

Hey Lou,

I would have the say the fifth beer.  Thats the one where I get taller and better looking. 

Number eight ain't bad either because thats the one that makes you sing karaoke real good.

But you gotta be careful after number 12 because public nudity could happen at anytime.

Later on,

EPJ

*****************************

Hey dude,

Where should I get my hair cut?

Rock on, man!

Jake
UCA

Jake,

Dude? You need to stop smoking the weed college boy.

But, I am glad you felt you could come to ol' Elwood for tips on hair care. A bad hair cut lasts a while.

Here is the best advice I can give you:

1. Find out where Rick Schaeffer gets his hair cut.

2. Stay away from that place.

Seriously.

EPJ

*************************

Hi Elwood! 

How did your dog Scooter get his name?

Love your blog!

DeAnna
Little Rock

DeAnna,

Much thanks to you for liking the blog.

Scooter got his name because ever since he was just a little bitty puppy he likes to drag his rear-end accross the floor.

Well, you asked.

Ain't no better way to spend a day folks.

Now, it may be that some of you good people want to go fishing, but ain't got a clue about some of those terms you hear fishin' folks banterin' back and forth.

No problemo.  You ol' buddy Elwood is here to help.

Fishing Terms For Beginners:

Catch and Release - An act of conservation that happens usually right before the local Game & Fish officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook:

• A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
• A clever advertisement that makes a fisherman want to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel.
• The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings

Line - Something you give your buddy's at work when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an fisherman into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An real pretty painted length of fiberglass that keeps an fisherman from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for worms or minnows instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped a whole lot like your first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test:

• The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
• A measure of your creativity in blaming “that darn line” for once again losing the big fish.

5:00 a.m. - The time you say you will meet your buddies at the boat launch. It is pretty much known to all fisherman that this really means 7:20 a.m.

Crappie:

• A popular game fish.
• How you feel at the end of a bad day's fishing.

Bail:

• A water removal method usually performed with a rusty old coffee can because water leaks into your leaky old flat-bottomed boat.
• What you need when you tell the Game & Fish officer to "pucker-up, Buttercup" because he says he has to fine you for not having your fishing license even thought you swear to him it is in the truck on shore.

Trolling - What you do after you've lost a $100 rod and reel set-up overboard.

Thumb - A temporary hook holder.

Treble Hook - Triples the odds of your catching a fish. Quadruples the odds of your getting the hook caught in your thumb (see above).

Landing Net -  A net used to help drag a large wiggling bass, or a really drunk Bobby Martineaz, on board.

 *********************

Hey!  I got a brand-new e-mail address:

elwood@elwoodjenkins.com

So that is where you can send all the marriage proposals (ladies only...I'm serious.  Don't make me open a can), funny photos, questions or just to say howdy.

Don't forget you can find me on Twitter HERE and on the Facebook HERE.  And even right HERE.

 Y'all don't catch 'em all!

 EPJ

When I was a kid, Springtime was my favorite time of the year.  The birds was a cheepin', the flowers were a bloomin', and of course the girls started wearing shorty shorts.

But since about the time I hit high school, I started getting real allergic every Spring.  About the time that yeller junk starts to collecting on every dang thing outside I start getting itchy eyes, itchy throat and itchy ears.  Then I start sneezin' every two minutes and my nose starts running like a water hose.

It ain't fun.

I tried a home-remedy that Luke Fenwick suggested that included four types of antihistamine, Nyquil and a horse tranquillizer mixed with a fifth of tequila and some sort of brown powder. 

Sure, It stopped the allergies but I spent 3-days freaked-out thinking that John Stamos was trying to crawl out my bellybutton and afraid to come out of the bathtub because of the purple alligators that had the head of Bea Arthur.  Shoot, I probably won't ever do that again.

You think I would learn about Fenwick's stupid home remedies. One time he had one he guaranteed would work.  It was a diet plan that included a tapeworm and drinking a gallon of pure, undiluted Mexican river water everyday.  It is best not to make plans for a week or so if you do this diet. Sure you'll lose weight, but if you sneeze at the wrong time, you'll mess your socks.

Home remedies are something I have had pushed on me since I was a lil' Elwood.

Whenever we got a bad chest cough, grandma had a tonic made with whiskey, honey & lemon juice.  I don't know if it helped the cough, but you sure didn't care as much that you was sick.

Mustard packs would sure open up your sinuses and keep people that didn't love you far away.

I guess I will keep sufferin' and taking the allergy pills from the store when it gets real bad.

Of course, the girls are getting out the shorty shorts, so I think I can find the silver lining here.

*************************

You folks can e-mail me at epjenkins@gmail.com.  Send some pictures of funny stuff or just questions about life in general.  And gals, I am still a single man.

Y'all be sure and look me up on the Facebook too: http://www.facebook.com/people/Elwood-P-Jenkins/1404923460

Later

EPJ

On the show is Jon and his wife Kate. They were having trouble getting a bun in the oven, so they had fertility treatments and ended up with twins.  The next time around, she gets pregnant with six little ones. 

The show is supposed to be about this woman and her husband who has a whole passel of kids and how they keep up with all the little tax deductions and what everyday life is like when you have your own small school district at home.

What the show turned out to be about is how Kate verbally neuters Jon.

During the shows, they show clips of the hijinks the rug-rats get into then go to shots of Jon & Kate sitting on a couch together where they offer comments. Jon can't say diddly-squat without Kate jumping on him.  

To make sure I wasn't judging this woman unfairly, I asked my sister what she thought of Kate and how she treated her husband.  Without upsetting the content sheriff's at THV, let's just say my sister said something that rhymes with 'witch'.

Good, it ain't just me.

Now, I could take up a lot of time trying to describe this woman to you, but this clip pretty much sums it up:

Click Here To Watch Kate Do Her Thing, Then Come Right Back

But, Kate does have some supporters out there. My sis told me there are two types of women who really like Kate:

1. Those who are just like her
2. And mousy meek women who want to be like her

Good grief, it is like when they were married, after he said “I do” she took out a pair of scissors and said, "Well, you won't need these no more", 'plink, plink'.  Then she ripped out his spine.

This part here is for Kate:  When Jon leaves you for the Hooter's girl that is treating him real nice, don't think you got a shot with me.  You remind me of 2 of my 6 ex-wives.

Later folks

EPJ

************************************

Wanna Twitter?  I am now at http://www.twitter.com/epjenkins

And as always, you can e-mail me at epjenkins@gmail.com

Later

EPJ

It did'nt even hurt.

Any ladies who want to Twitter with ol' Elwood?

Bring it on.

http://twitter.com/epjenkins

Now, I come to this knowledge from my own personal experiences and from watching my friends who get pulled over from the safety of the passenger seat.

Before I start, let me say that I respect all officers of the law.  So don't go pulling me over for any old reason when you see me tooling around in The Love Turtle. (Editors note: The Love Turtle is Elwood's 1981 AMC Pacer). I am trying to help here.

Things You Don't Want To Say To The Police:

• "I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer."
  
  
• "Aren't you the feller from the Village People?" (Well, he looked like that guy)
  
  
• "Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. What you got under the hood, there?"
  
  
• "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?"
  
  
• "I pay your salary!" Let me just say how much they don't appreciate this information.
  
  
• "Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does."
  
  
• When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't come back with,"Well Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
  
  
• "I thought you had to be in good shape to be a cop?"
  
  
• "What? You need a license to drive?"
  
  
• "You look just like the feller in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand."
  
  
• If the officer asks "Do you have any drugs or weapons?" Do not respond with "What do you need?"
  
  
• "Yessir, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely hammered."
  
  
• "Dang man, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!"
  
  
• "A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think Mister George Washington can change your mind."
  
  
• "Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in, Sparky?"
  
  
• "Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either."
  
  
• "Do you have any idea who you're talking to?"
  
  
• "Ain't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?"
  
  
• "Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the real one."
  
  
• "Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too."
  
  
• "You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me."
  
  
• "Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in."

Hope this helps save some of you some time in the crossbar hotel.

*************************

Send those e-mails to epjenkins@gmail.com and look me up on the Facebook.com

Later

EPJ

We were about 3 pitchers into it when Bobby spilled the beans.  Seems Bobby's wife, Juanita, has him sleeping on the couch. 

Being married six times qualifies me as an expert on women, so I asked Bobby, "How come Juanita sent to you sofa city?"

Bobby just looked down into his mug and said, "I dunno Elwood.  I came home and she was all steamed up over something or another. I thought about why she might be mad. I took the trash out. I put the seat down.  But when I asked her how come she was mad, she just said: 'YOU KNOW!'"

Bobby was walkin' on dangerous territory there.  Every man out there has heard 'YOU KNOW!'

The exact words might be different, but this is usually how it plays out:

The man come home a long day of working. Or hunting. Or fishing.

At first, he don't notice anything is wrong. 

This is horror movie scary stuff here. Like when the dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks kid walks into the cabin and has no idea that a inbred psycho with a face that looks like a cheese pizza wants to make teen sushi out of him.  Everyone else can see it coming except the poor kid.

So there she is walking around with a look on her face that looks like someone is holding a little dab of stink bait just under her nose.  She ain't saying anything.  And she ain't making eye contact. She might slam pots and pans around.

It is the silent treatment.  The calm before the storm.

The man notices she ain't saying much.  He always has to ask if she is ok.

Next thing that happens is the period of short answers delivered in a quick burst:

"What's wrong?" - "Nothing"

"Are you sure?" - "Yes"

"You sure you ain't mad" - "**dramatic pause** - Yes"

Ok, some rookies right here will make the mistake of thinking that she really ain't mad.

Poor fools.  Veterans like myself know better. 

It might take up to an hour later before the hammer drops.  But the hammer will drop. It always does.

 It will happen right out of the blue.  You will say something like, "Hey can you pass me those tortilla chips?"

That is when it all starts.  She will suddenly ramp-up, wind-up and start machine gunning you with words. 

"I can't believe you did what you did! You clod! How could you? I swear, momma was right about you! I have never seen someone so insensitive and stupid! What do you have to say for yourself?? Well? Say something!  Don't just sit there with that dumb-look on your stupid face!"

The man will have a look on his face like someone just slapped him up-side the head with a dead catfish. 

He will then ask, "What did I do?"

"YOU KNOW!"

The rookie will mentally go through everything he did wrong lately, and pray that he gets the right thing he screwed-up on.

The odds are not in his favor. The poor goober will probably cop to something else than what she is mad about and whole new fight will start.

There is only one way to handle 'YOU KNOW!" 

This usually works for me most of the time:

First, look sorry.  You do this by looking down at the floor. If you are really good, you can make your lip tremble. If you are really, really good you can think about the Hogs 1998 loss to Tennessee when Stoerner fumbled and work up some tears.

Second, you have to apologize.  Deliver the following line without laughing:  "You know baby, you are absolutely right. I was wrong. So Wrong. I am such a bonehead. I swear it won't happen again. You know I love you!  I just want you to be happy."  Apologize as much as it takes to make her quit talking.

Third, give her a hug right there.  Pick your moment: If she is waving a kitchen knife around, you might want to skip this step. 

Fourth, take her out to eat. Some place nice. Some place where you can sit down and they take your order and bring the food to you. Like Sonic.

Fifth, get her some flowers.  If you are lucky, you live close to a cemetery and you can get them for free.

The beauty of this system is you never really admit to anything.

Of course if this don't work, you might actually have to work on what she is mad about.  Good luck with that.

********************

Hey, if any of you folks have questions you want to ask ol' Elwood, shoot me an e-mail to epjenkins@gmail.com.  I am an expert on darn near anything, so ask away.

That is also the e-mail for you ladies to send your marriage proposals to.

Later

EPJ

You know, there are a whole lot of reasons to want to whomp Slim Goodbody on his noggin.  This album cover is just one reason.

Whatever you do, DO NOT pull off at that rest stop. If you do, things will not go well for you.

I think the puppet raps also.

Thank you for the Dove. Now I really need some hand soap.

This is not the cute little alien critter ET, but an ET that wants to invade our world and make you dumber by listening to this album. 

Included is the hit: You're Just Stalin While I'm Russian Around. 

An album of just drums.  Well, don't that make you want to just bang your head.....into a concrete wall.

This is either a Southern Gospel Group or the most evil death metal band ever.