Lately, I’ve been on a bit of a craft brew kick.  Actually, that’s an outright lie.  I’ve been obsessed.  Since leaving San Diego, I have been searching for the camaraderie and creativity that only craft brewing has been able to give me.  Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of useful pursuits out there.  But not many are as interesting as the purposeful brewing and joyful consumption of my beloved beer.

My buddy Dave and had I brewed our own Double IPA.  I guess what I’d like to say about it (because the wound is still a little open) is that it was a learning experience.  Looking to increase my knowledge in local beers, as well as a way to drown my sorrows, I decided to go find a small brewery in Moorpark called Enegren Brewing Company.

Enegren Brewing Company – Flinn Avenue in Moorkpark

The idea of being able to visit a brewery is a fairly new development in the beer world.  It has only been with the explosion in home brewing, that the concept of beer as science and craft has been made available to the masses.  There are ancient breweries in Germany, Belgium, and Ireland that had been painstakingly crafting the same beer for hundreds of years protected by rows of razor wire, explosive ordinance and monkeys packing Clint Eastwood-like Colt .45s.  All that changed when the common man rose up against such tyranny and began the crusade for free beer.  (Well, you still have to pay for it, but you get what I mean…)

The people of Enegren embrace this counter-culture approach to beer.  When you walk into their tasting room, the smell of a fresh batch of grain, boiling with anticipation of its destiny, often hangs in the air.  On the wall, displayed like a work of art, is the schematic for their brewing operation.  Rather than hiding their process from “the competition,” they seek to educate and inform on how this nectar of the gods is made.

A glass of the “Protector” IPA

Anyway, enough soliloquy on the freedom of beer.  Here’s what I think about the brewery that is Enegren.

Like many breweries of this size, Enegren is situated in a commercial or industrial complex.  It is located off the main drag in Moorpark, and you’ll actually pass the Moorpark PD building on the way to the brewery.  Needless to say, this is enough to remind most of us about “drinking responsibly.”

The inside of the brewery is simple yet inviting.  There’s a nice little bar that seats about 5-6 people and several bar tables accommodating 4 each.  Hung on the wall is a LMU flag that represents the eden in which Enegren beer making dreams took root.  Above the door, a huge public notice sign sits, prompting Chris to tell me about how hours and hours of research for a presentation before the Moorpark City Counsel was ultimately in vain when their application for a license breezed through.  Beyond the tasting area is where the magic happens, and if the guys aren’t busy working on their latest batch they are more than happy to give you a tour.

Enegren specializes in beers that are a little higher in alcohol content than your typical bud or coors.  They produce a variety of styles to choose from, including an altbier on the lighter side and an oatmeal stout on the darker.  All of the beers are available as 4oz tasters, glasses and growlers.  For such great quality the prices are amazing two.  A taster will run you $1.25, a glass $5-6, 1L growlers $8-9 and 2L growlers $15-16.  I recommend the tasting flight for anyone who hasn’t been before.  Here’s what it looks like:

From L-R: Alt, IPA, Black IPA, Stout, Red Rye Saison w/ Chiles

In addition to the 4 regular brews, the guys at Enegren usually have a special beer, and sometimes a less carbonated cask ale as well.  Since I’ve been going, the special beer has been a chile infused red rye saison which is one of the most unusual and interesting brews I’ve had in a long while.  They call it the Le Fleur de Mars (the flower of mars, for those like me who don’t know french) and it was inspired by a nightmare one of the owner/brewers had once upon a time.  If only my nightmares were so productive…

My take on their other beers is as follows:

The “Valkyrie” Alt is light and fruity but well-balanced and not too sweet.  I’m told this is their most popular beer.

The “Protector” IPA is hoppy and complex.  It stands up against some of the best I’ve had from SD.

The “Contradiction” Black IPA was interesting and took some getting used to.  I didn’t get the hop notes at first (probably because my palate had been blown away by the Fleur de Mars)  On subsequent passes, the hop came through nicely and the smoothness belies the 7.7% alcohol this bad boy is packing.

Then there is the Oatmeal Stout.  They call it the “Daniel Irons” and it is my favorite of the group.  It has delicious notes of chocolate and a mouthfeel that bathes your tongue in what could only be described as a decadent adult milkshake.  I prefer it a little colder than the typical stout, so having it right out of the tap at the brewery is perfect for me.  If I could affix my lips directly to the tap, I would.

As I mentioned before, Enegren allows you to purchase growlers to take home.  They come in 1L and 2L varieties and, due to California law, they can only fill their own glass.  It’s okay though, because a 1L glass will run ya eight bucks and a 2L fifteen.  Basically you pay the 2x the cost of a normal fill, but you keep the glass and can refill it as many times as possible.  Honestly, these things pay for themselves.

I currently have two 1L growlers (because I like variety and hate sharing) and I usually take them in once a week to be filled with Daniel Irons and whatever else I’m in the mood for.  That reminds me, the brewery keeps some odd hours due to the fact that all of the owners also have day-jobs.  They are open from 11-8 on Saturday and 12-5 Sunday.  If you need a fix during the week, they are open from 6-9 on Wednesday and 7-9 on Friday.

By this point I’m sure many of you are wondering why a brewery is appearing on a food blog.  Well, thanks for bearing with my gushing over the beer for this long.  The reason I decided to include Enegren in this post isn’t because of the epic food they serve (they don’t serve any), but because of their recent collaboration with a gourmet grilled cheese shop across town called Custom Melt.

Aside from their awesome beer making skills, the good people of Enegren are hiding a delicious secret.  Brianne (wife of Chris) is as adroit at using Enegren beer in her home cooking as the guys are in making it.  Her short rib recipe (found here) was re-imagined by Custom Melt and turned into a brioche bread, brie and short rib melt.  Here’s what it looked like:

Along with the short rib melt, they offered mac & cheese, grilled cheese and a hot dog topped with mac & cheese on a bun.  The price for each was $5 and the value was tremendous.  Granted, I only ate the sandwich, but I found the meat to be tender and juicy and the combination of the brie and an interesting horseradish aioli was a good pairing.  One bite had a bit too much horseradish, but it’s cool because I needed my sinuses cleared out anyway.

The above photo was taken after the crowd died down a little, but if Enegren keeps brewing great beers (and bringing in delicious food) then people will eventually flood the place and allow these guys to focus on their beer pursuits full time.

In the meantime, I think I’ll enjoy my hidden little local brewery for just a little while longer.

So I reviewed this place shortly after opening last year. Let’s just say that I wasn’t impressed. I’ve been in since, but I was bored tonight so I decided to give them the full EMC treatment.

Umami Burger – Thousand Oaks (The Lakes shopping center)

I went into Umami tonight because, honestly, I felt sorry for them. The whole shopping center felt void of human presence. In fact, when I asked the barman (who is also the manager) why it was so empty, he told me that January is the worst month for restaurants. I’m not going to argue with him because it seemed as though myself and the party of six out-of-towners were the only patrons tonight.

Still, I decided to sit at the bar and have dinner. I figured that, at the very least, my food would be up quickly. The first drawback, though, was trying to actually sit down. It seems that the seats at the bar are constructed from re-purposed bug zappers, fashioned into the shape of ass-hammocks. See exhibit A below:

After one or two attempts to sit and shimmy up to the bar, I finally set my chair in just the right spot and then proceeded to mount it from the western slope. Needless to say, a man of my age (and size) should never be forced to do such a thing in public. I sincerely apologize to anyone sitting close enough to witness the attempt. Also needless to say, I was ready for a beer at this point.

The bar at Umami is fairly compact, and the restaurant appears to be able to seat about 80-100 people. I think the designers envisioned people spending 15-20 minutes waiting for tables and drinking, rather than my plan to actually consume a meal there. The drink menu contains most of the usual suspects for beer and wine, and also a few top shelf spirits. By the time I had ascended mount Umami, I chose the Lagunitas IPA from among the 4 offered drafts. (The other’s being Anderson Valley stout, Kona blonde ale and Allagash white)

It was at this time, to my horror, that the urge to pee overtook me. I casually (at least in my own mind) dismounted and shuffled off to the restroom. Inside I discovered a not un-Starbucks-like commode. A note to my readers: Lock The Door. The urinal was right next to the door so that had I not locked it, some poor, unfortunate soul would have received more than an eyeful of my manhood upon entering. I submit to you, exhibit B:

After relieving myself, I made my way back to the bar and (in the deepest voice I could muster) ordered the Manly burger. Having learned from my past experience, instead of ordering it medium rare as suggested, I instead opted for the medium variety. All in all, despite the drafty void of an empty restaurant and the risk of immodesty foisted on me by the restroom situation, I was having a good time.

The beer was going down smooth and my anticipation for my testosterone fueled delight was growing. And then, the burger was upon me. Excuse me if I digress for a picture or two…

Ok, fine. It was three. Sue me.

I was happy to see that my Manly burger, with it’s cheddar cheese, bacon lardons, and crispy fried onions appeared to be everything I’d hoped for. The sauce, which I presumed to be a beer-cheddar cheesy delight, did not disappoint. As opposed to my first review, the beef was succulent and juicy and not cold in the center. The sauce appeared to have no ill effect on the crispy consistency of the fried onions and I found myself grabbing the orphans that happened to fall away from the burger with the same vigor with which I consumed the parents. This, my friends, is what Umami is all about.

As I paid my check and prepared to go, I had a moment of gratitude. In that moment I realized that a good burger can fix anything. Crappy chairs, average beers, a relative lack of human companionship; all of these negative stimuli were transformed in each bite of that tasty burger.

It seems like this location may be destined to fail. It’s probably the fact that nothing ever seems to survive in that location. But I’ll tell you this: This ain’t the same Umami I visited a few months back. If you give it a chance, you will enjoy it. In a city of burger saturation, on this night, it stood above all the others.

We’ve entered the era of the dog.  It’s official.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, burgers aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.  But the newest trend lately seems to be the gourmet hot dog restaurant.  Today’s review comes from a recent trip I made down to San Diego.  I was staying with my great friend, Lisa, who has the most comfy air mattress in the history of the universe.  Seriously, that thing is goooood.  Anyway, what was I talking about?  Oh, right, hot dogs.

Daddy’s Hot Dogs – On University Ave, in Hillcrest

Back in the day (i.e. the 80s) the concept of gourmet food meant white tablecloths, celebrity sightings and people who I would normally refer to as “total douchers.”  Luckily, the concept has evolved a fair amount over the years and legitimate gourmet food can be found in the most unlikely place, or places (if it’s a food truck).  Daddy’s Hot Dog’s isn’t going to win any awards for decor, and it would not inaccurately be described as a ‘hole in the wall.’  Literally.

See? A hole… in a wall.

I think I might be paraphrasing Yogi Berra here, but the greatest thing about simplicity is that it isn’t complicated.  Daddy’s Dogs is run by the eponymous Daddy.  He is the one-man-band of hog dog deliciousness.  Because he does everything himself, it takes a little while for you to get your dog.  But trust me, it’s worth the wait…

Chicago dog (left) and Pig in slop dog (right)

Daddy’s Dogs gives you 3 options for your frank:  Beef, Buffalo, and Veggie.  Considering that I am a huge fan of the old west (I’ve watched Dances With Wolves like 86 times) I decided to go with the buffalo.  Lisa chose to do the same.

The menu is simple and straightforward, and not overloaded with a ton of different dogs.  I was in a chili mood, so I opted for the “pig in slop” which comes with bacon, chili, onions, mustard and cheese (glorious amounts of cheese).  Lisa decided to go for the “chicago dog,” a delicacy containing onions, tomato, sweet relish, a pickle spear, mustard, peppers & Daddy’s secret ingredient of awesomeness: celery salt.  Here are a couple more closeup pics…

I didn’t get a chance to try Lisa’s chicago dog, because by the time I thought to ask it was already gone.  I didn’t mind though, because I demolished my dog in record time too.  As far as taste is concerned I had no complaints.  The dog was halved on the grill and seared perfectly.  It was equal parts juicy and springy as a perfect dog should be.  The chili was the traditional beef (no bean) chili that you’d expect to find and was spiced well and not overly sweet.  The mound of cheese was enough to provide that mix of melted and unmelted cheese that really separates the men chili dogs from the boy chili dogs.  Finally, the bacon provided a nice crunch and occasional bursts of salty fatty goodness.

Interior view

Even though Lisa and I scarfed down our dogs like they were the first thing we had eaten in weeks, we still had time to get a couple of embarrassing pictures during the process.  These are those pics:

As you can see, we really enjoyed our little visit to Daddy’s Dogs.  One dog was enough to fill me up, and the prices were very reasonable in my book (between $4-6).  If you’d like to see the menu in full, please visit www.daddyshotdogs.com.

Of course, I’d prefer it if you just took my word for it and went down there to grab a dog for yourself.  Tell Daddy that EatMeCalifornia sent you.

So it’s been a year since Mikey has posted and more than two since I’ve been able to come up with anything good to write.  First, I’d just like to say that, no, I wasn’t on hunger strike.  I was working my way toward a law degree and all the fame and fortune that comes with it.  Ironically, I am now in the exact same state as I was when Mikey and I started this site a little over three years ago.  I am currently unemployed.

Alas, a kid’s gotta eat.  So here’s a little post about one of my latest dining adventures at the newest Thousand Oaks hotspot, Umami Burger.

Umami Burger – Thousand Oaks

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit.  I love me some burger goodness.  After all, we’ve had some great ones here at EatMeCalifornia.  The best among them, in my humble opinion, is the Father’s Office burger.  We’ve also had great burgers at The Apple Pan and, of all places, PJ’s dive bar.  With that said, I have to admit that I’ve been hearing the siren’s song that is Umami for quite a few years now, and this, this!, was my chance to dive right in.

The newest Umami location can be found in The Lakes shopping center on T.O. boulevard.  It’s a snazzy kind of place that has had some down luck after the economy took its turn for the worse.  Consequently, the space that is now Umami was once the home of Nate & Al’s deli, and before that, some sushi place that apparently sucked enough to be on Kitchen Nightmares.  I was really hoping that Umami would be the place to break the losing streak.

I was wrong.

My friend and I arrived before the dinner rush and were expecting greatness.  Instead, we got the disingenuous smile of a waiter who was hoping for a 4-top instead of two scrubby looking ex law students.  Still, despite the obvious disappointment, he soldiered on and offered us the house special appetizer…

I call them mega tots, and when they arrived at our table I figured I would be able to get over our server’s poor attitude.  Imagine my surprise when I bit into the tot and realized that the crunchy outer shell was about as thick as the skin on an apple.  Also, it was lukewarm.  Also, also, it tasted like the potato had been blended with sour cream and whoever fried them had erroneously thought that salt had never been discovered.

In an effort to cleanse the palate of what had to have been the worst excuse for a tot that I’ve ever had the displeasure of eating, my friend and I ordered some fries.  Actually, we ordered a combination of the regular fries and sweet potato fries.

So here’s the good news: these fries actually tasted as if they had been seasoned.  The regular ones were thin but crispy and after the tots, were a pleasant surprise.  The sweet potato fries were even better.  They were crisp on the outside, melt-in-your-mouth soft on the inside and were dusted with a generous helping of brown sugar.  If not for how quickly they went cold, I would probably call them the best sweet potato fries in the history of the earth.

So things were looking up, and we still had the main event to go.  My friend ordered the original Umami burger and I ordered the Port & Stilton burger.  In the interest of full disclosure, we both ordered them cooked medium (which was suggested by our favorite server).

That, my friends is the Umami burger.  It supposedly comes with shiitake mushrooms, carmelized onions, roasted tomato and a parmesan crisp, all topped with umami ketchup.  Oh yeah, it’s got a burger in there too.  Still, as you can see from the picture, they were very cheap with the toppings.  For example, there was one sad little shiitake mushroom on my friend’s burger.  Where were all his little shiitake brothers and sisters?

Next up was my Port and Stilton burger with onions carmelized in port (allegedly) and stilton blue cheese.  Once again, they were not exactly heavy handed with the toppings and I was left feeling like the kid who got the PB&J right before the jar was empty.  Still, I was optimistic about the supposedly other worldly flavor that Umami is said to conjure in their burgers.

Then I cut into my burger.

If that’s cooked medium, then I’m best-selling German recording artist, David Hasselhoff.  Alas, I am not David Hasselhoff and that is ri-goddamn-diculous.  Still, I thought I could eat around the middle and see if some of it was salvageable.

For those of you who don’t know me, I never send food back.  It’s partially because I don’t like to rock the boat and partially because I don’t like bodily fluids in my meals.  If ever there was a time when I should have sent something back, it was this time (or maybe this time, with the hair).  Instead, I ate some of what was probably the grossest burger I’ve ever consumed.

The worst thing about it was the fact that it wasn’t even that busy in the restaurant.  By the time we left, there was a line out the door and I was not so subtly cough-yelling to anyone who would listen that they should really get their burgers well done.  Either the guy next to us needed a miracle ear or he was a glutton for punishment.  I guess I’ll never know…

Anyway, after the burger debacle, we grabbed the check and got the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

Based on the experience, it’s hard not to think that Umami is highly overrated.  This could just be an off night, or an off chef, but it says something about the food when you don’t finish any component of your meal.  Even the sweet potato fries were left half-eaten.  The prices are high for a burger place and the decor is more akin to patio furniture than a classy burger lounge.  Service was attentive, although somewhat snobby and the overall experience was utterly forgettable.  Next time I’ll head down to Father’s Office for a real burger, or just save my money and get In-N-Out.

Stay tuned in the coming days for more posts from Mikey and I.  We are back and are looking forward to plenty more food reviews and awesomeness, including my first attempt at a sushi review.

Jabal Lebnan – On Sunland Blvd in Sun Valley

So this was my first taste of Lebanese food.   I was excited.   My friend brought me Beef Shawarma, rice, the house salad, garlic sauce, and hummus.  I also got to try the falafel, fresh pita bread, and some of their chicken.  I love throwing everything in a pita and eating it like a taco.  You can easily do it with this stuff and it’s really good.  I loved the flavor in the beef.  Though it was a little drier than I normally like it, it was still very good.  I know almost nothing about middle eastern cuisine so it was a real education for me.  I was trying to pick things out and garlic was very prevalent along with lemon juice and maybe some allspice.  There was a sauce to try and it tasted like it was yogurt-based.  It was also very good.  I loved the long rice and the veggies too.

Sorry just a menu this time

The falafel was not for me.  I’ve heard that they are very popular and I say have fun.  I’d rather get in a falafel ball fight with them.  I’d love to get a gun that could shoot them. I guess I’m just not into hard crunchy fava beans and chickpeas.

I’ve had hummus before at a couple Greek places and theirs was pretty good.  It seemed to have all the basics: garbanzo beans, parsley, lemon juice, tahini.  It was good. But just like mashed potatoes here, I imagine if you can’t make hummus over there then you need to move to New York and live with Zohan.  So Lets Go!

Just a side note: tahini is a paste made from sesame seeds.  The seeds are hulled and roasted.  This stuff is big apparently (not Oprah final episode big, but at least American Idol Big).

From the look of the menu they have plenty of dishes, a wide range of prices, and they even do the Hookah thing.  I’m a cigar man myself, but if you people enjoy it, Hookah yourself crazy.

For those of you who are really into Mediterranean, middle eastern, and cuisine from that part of the world, hopefully you can give some more insight.  The only thing I can do is tell you I liked it.  I’d go there for sure, and I would love to try some other dishes minus the falafel.  I think they buy their pita bread rather than make it, so maybe someone else who has been there can confirm that for me.

If you’re in the area and want to experiment give Jabal Lebnan a try.  Maybe my friend Bernadette can give you some more insight on the customer service, because this was simply delivery for me.  It was brought right to me with a smile and it allowed me to contemplate why Keanu Reeves is still getting work.

Thanks again to Bernadette for bringing me dinner (and great customer service).  I’m hopin’ she becomes our sideline reporter for EMC so we can really start widening our turf.

Oceana – New Orleans

Last week was twins, this week we got just plain brothers. Don’t worry folks these brothers are not only brining back the George Michael stubble look but they are also crazier than our main man Charlie Sheen. Sorry Charlie we had to throw you in the mix at some point. We also have a red cheeked angry head chef thrown into the mix creating a wonderful red cheeked, gold chained, stubbly, greasy haired anger tornado. Good luck Gordon!

The Ocean located on Bourbon St making it prime stop for tourist and locals. Owned by brothers Moe and Rami who bought it from their father they spend wonderful New Orleans afternoons yelling at each other, the staff, the tourists, the dogs, the Levies, the street lamps, and the food. I seriously can’t understand how they have a staff. There has got to be a better job than this place. I’d rather be a Wall mart greeter. I’d rather be in a Nicolas Cage movie. Hell, I’d rather be the guy who hoses down the streets after Mardi Gras than work for these guys. What’s really great is that the only things that aren’t angry in this place are the cock roaches and the rats that are living off the fact these guys can’t clean to save there angry lives.

Right when Gordon gets there we know he’s in trouble. Brother Mo insists that Gordon says New Orleans correctly as Na lens. At least that’s how it sounded to me. Gordon’s frustration forehead wrinkle starts to show immediately. For those of you who don’t know Gordon the frustration forehead wrinkle is the third one down from the hair line. According to Moe people will make fun of you for saying it wrong so he had to as he says it, “edeiocate” Gordon.

I started cracking up when Gordon looks through the menu its full of pictures of people that Moe and Rami have fired, then we learn that Nell the server has been fired 4 times! That’s awesome. These guys are obvious professionals.

Gordon orders the seafood gumbo, the blackened bayou duck, and the crab cake platter. Immediately Damon the executive chef takes control of the kitchen and cooks up what I’m sure will be a lunch to remember.

The seafood gumbo comes out first and we have our first strike as Gordon simply tells us it’s disgusting, it tastes old, and is an embarrassment. On the bright side it looked like the bottom of a toilet bowl after a frat house party. Executive Chef Damon (just as a side note I had a really hard time saying Executive chef) tasted the gumbo and found there to be no issues as did brother Moe. Moe goes on to dazzle us by saying he does not think Gordon knows anything about Cajun food. that’s kinda like saying Nolan Ryan doesn’t know much about pitching or that John Madden doesn’t know much about football. Crab cakes come in next and Gordon lets us know they are watery and soggy, figuring they had been defrosted rapidly. He sends that back claiming they must be frozen. We top it off with the blackened duck which Gordon describes as tough, and wonders if its been cooked for 5 days. He has Nell taste it and she agrees its tough. Chef Damon who from this point forward will be known as Chef Blinky because he can’t seem to stop blinking and Angry Moe both disagree and say the duck is perfect. Only Rami realizes that the duck has issues and things need to change. Moe then makes a joke about having Chef Ramsey come back there and make a duck dish that he’d call Gordon’s duck then laughs all crazy loud like it’s a funny joke. I’ve heard Rita Rudner tell funnier jokes than this guy. Now we see there are two things he knows nothing about food and comedy.

Moe  actually says he think Chef Ramsey is clueless and dazzles us further with his insight saying that he doesn’t think the British can cook period. Gordon is Scottish Moe read a book!

Gordon meets with the chefs letting them know the truth about the food. As he starts with words like embarrassing, no flavor, and couldn’t be fresh, Chef Blinkys cheeks get redder and his blinky eyes start blinking off the charts.  This becomes great conversation when Gordon asks Damon if the crab cakes are frozen he lies and says no. when Rami says they are and chef Blinky is caught in his lie he gets so uncomfortable its hilarious. It gets even better when Chef Ramsay asks when the duck was cooked none of the chefs know. We all know they know. The blinky, red cheeked, sweaty liar just doesn’t want to tell us.

Moe comes clean and tells us the duck is cooked once a month in some other place and then frozen. Executive Chef Blinky gets angry and actually steps up to Gordon. Rami actually has to push him back and shut him up before he really does something stupid.

We start our first dinner service so Gordon can see how the Kitchen runs. Immediately there are problems as food goes out and comes right back. Chef blinky just spits out constantly with each dish that its not his fault everything taste horrible. Since he’s the executive chef I’m not sure who’s fault it is but at least we know he knows its not his. Gordon meanwhile explores the kitchen and the real fun begins. Finding milky crab, a hot cupboard that’s not hot, spoiling sauce, old shrimp, old pasta, and crawfish from the civil war. As Gordon sets in Executive Chef Damons eyes go absolutely haywire he is blinking and twitching so much I though Gordon was gonna give the guy a stroke. It’s hard to fight with a guy whose face wont stop contorting, its just to damn funny. Executive Chef blinky is sweating like a madman as Gordon pulls out tons of crabs prepped weeks ago, spoiled food, warm soups probably growing bacteria. Thousands of dollars wasted in spoiled food.

Chef Gordon’s discoveries continue as he fights a dead mouse hotel right in the kitchen containing 3 dead bodies. Gordon calls it a night and shuts the place down.  Gordon calls in pest control and moves on to some other areas. We learn then that the kitchen has never been cleaned. Never?

The brothers start to go right after each other blaming each other for the filth. I love listening to people blame other people. It’s almost an art form when someone accepts absolutely no responsible for how things are. Moe finds the staff sitting at a table talking and explodes. This moron throws chairs, kicks tables, and then heads to the bar. The brothers actually calm down and realize they have to let go of Chef Blinky. Brother Moe does his best to let go of Chef blinky very gracefully, and politely. Well not really, he pretty much yells at him then tells him to leave.

Moe lets Gordon know they let go of Chef Blinky and they move on to the menu. We then listen in on a fabulous conversation about how Moe has all the recipes in his head and a refuses to write them down because he doesn’t want anyone to steal them. Gordon wants to know if this idiot is for real and unfortunately Gordon he is. The kitchen has no recipes to follow cause they are all in this guys head. It’s almost like a Seinfeld episode. Gordon goes into this intense speech that not only knocks him off his high horse but actually shuts him up too. Moe learns very quickly that you do not mess with Da Man!

These brothers are a complete crack up. One they keep calling Gordon British, two after being called a busy idiot these guys analyze what the meaning could be. Rami lets Moe know that being called a busy idiot is a compliment. This conversation they have could be in a Tarentino movie its that awesome. Moe finishes the conversation by saying he needs to get a British dictionary. This guys gonna give me a stroke.

Gordon sets in with some new recipes and some big changes and lets Moe know he needs to accept them if he wants to get out of the hole they are in. So Moe kisses the floor and starts convulsing because he so upset his horrible, filthy black hole of a food joint is gonna be changed. Moe’s final statement on the changes is that if he doesn’t like them he’s gonna send Gordon, “back to British with a black eye”.

Gordon and his team, really does a number on the place, new counter tops, clutter removed, lightened up, re painted, and gorgeous. Gordon unveils the new menu, every plate vibrant gorgeous and look absolutely delicious.

Relaunch night begins and Moe is no where to be found. Apparently he was upstairs sleeping, or maybe he was going over his British dictionary. For relaunch Rami runs the pass and Moe is in the front. Though Moe seems to pop up in the Kitchen and Gordon has to send him back out.

Customers are loving the new food, and Moe loves that kitchen cause he’s back in the kitchen again. Moe starts in on food times not realizing he’s now making fresh food made to order. After getting yelled at by Gordon Moe wanders off to take a break. Moe is outside trying to apparently put his head together. Gordon rallies the kitchen and they do Gordon proud by rocking out all the tickets.

You can tell in this episode Gordon has had enough of Moe. Moe is an idiot and a disaster. I feel really bad for Rami. Moe is a weight around his ankle that will probably end up sinking him. Gordon runs from Oceana for his life before Moe lowers his IQ with his stupidity. Run Gordon run!

Right away Jeff and Jim started us off with the lame twin humor. “You’re Jim.”  “No, I’m Jim.”  Then we, of course, need to speak in chorus.  I already want to beat them with a soggy loaf of bread.  So these guys had been going to Capri and loved it so much they decided to buy it.  Anyone who watches Gordon take on these projects knows these are the worst kind of owners.  They are clueless, lazy, and lazy.  Yeah I know I said it twice.  After all, they are twins and are twice the amount of lazy.  Luckily their staff respects them and showers them with praise.  Just kidding.  They basically say that they are lazy, immature, sloppy, loud, and can’t cook. Other than that they are fantastic.  These guys actually go sit in the car together.  Side by side, they just sit in the car.  I know there is not much to do in Eagle Rock but there has got to be something better then sitting in a car.  Jeff sums it all up saying, “Our financial situation has hit the pooper.”

Gordon shows up and looks frightened. He immediately finds out that they are open only for dinner and the twins start in with the stupid twin humor, with the second brother coming out pretending to be the first.  It’s a horrible, lazy, sloppy version of Alice in Wonderland if it took place in Eagle rock in an Italian Restaurant.  The twins let Gordon know they are only open Wednesday through Sunday and seem to be closed more than open.  Gordon also notices how filthy and disgusting everything is.

Gordon starts off with a meatball sandwich, Capri colassal, and chicken scarpello.  While the order is put in Gordon starts taking apart booths, finding dirt and grime everywhere. Lamps are filthy, there is food in the booths and everything is covered in twenty years of filth. Surprise surprise, the twins hate cleaning. Meanwhile, we watch meatballs go into the microwave, bread gets crushed and one of the ugliest meatball sandwiches ever heads out to Gordon.  One bite pretty much ends the meatball, while the twins beat the chicken with a tenderizer until it its been killed 4 times.

Next comes the Colossal Pizza. Seriously?  This pizza is a mess. It’s covered in cheap, frozen and then defrosted, microwave toppings.  Gordon is instantly disgusted and moves on to the Chicken. One sniff of the chicken and Gordon knows something’s wrong and sends Dorothy back to see how old the chicken is.  Surprise yet again, the twins have no idea.  While Gordon is sitting at the table wondering if he’s going to die, he looks underneath it and finds a half a pound worth of chewing gum.  The doors are smashed open now and Gordon checks all the tables.  Sure enough, the twins are running an under the table already chewed gum market.

We soon find out twin Jeff is a big crier. Gordon lays into them big time and Jeff cries more than teen girls watching their American Idol hopeful get booted off the show.  Gordon tells the twins to clean the joint up before dinner and like a great lazy boss the twins go right after their poor staff telling them very sternly that they need to get the gum and everything else taken care of immediately.

Capri opens for the first dinner service.  Gordon starts right in on how filthy the kitchen is.  That’s followed by a tour of the fridge that yields, ancient eggplant, old veggies, and a container full of hot sauce that was placed in the fridge.  Anyone who owns or cooks in a restaurant or at home should know that things should not be placed in a sealed container and go from hot to cold. It is a recipe to grow bacteria. These guys know nothing about restaurant health standards and know even less about cooking, as most of the diners send their dinners back to the kitchen.  Jeff then does what Jeff does best.  He cries, leaving poor Gordon to pick up Jim’s crushed spirit.

Just when we think the twins are on track, we find out one of them has tried to defrost chicken using the steam table.  From frozen to steam table is also a recipe to send your customers yodeling to the porcelain bowl.  Chicken needs to be defrosted naturally, guys. Jim tries to blow it off and does not understand the magnitude of his mistake.  Instead, he just starts getting angry, which is usually the reaction of someone who is embarrassed when being told how dumb he is.  Jim heads to the dining room and announces, “Due to certain circumstances, we have no chicken tonight.”

Roughly translated that means, “Folks, due to the fact I’m ignorant and dumb and have no clue how to defrost chicken we wont be serving it to you tonight so that I don’t kill you and make you angry.”  This pretty much clears the dining room and Jim learns another lesson on being discreet to protect your business.  Jim starts whining about not having chicken and Gordon tells him to stop being a baby and asks him if he needs his diaper changed.  Obviously Jim does not respond well to Gordon’s concern over his possible undergarment issues.  Gordon finds out from the help that the twins act like this on a regular basis.  Customers start walking out the door and the night is, of course, a failure.  But if you wanna make an omelet you gotta break a couple twins.  Gordon tells the twins they need to clean the kitchen and Jeff of course cries and cleans, then cries cause he can’t clean, then cries cause he’s lazy, then cries cause he can’t stop cleaning, and finally cries cause he’s a failure.  It’s my absolute hands down favorite part of this episode. “I can’t clean anything, sniff ,sniff, It’s just making it dirtier, sniff ,sniff. I’m making it worse. Sniff, sniff.“

[Editor’s note from Brian:  He’s right.  It was epic watching that guy meltdown like a japanese nuclear reactor…]

I was laughing so hard my neighbors must have thought I finally cracked.  Jim, I want to thank you for letting us all know no matter how emotionally unstable we are at least we don’t cry when we clean.

While Jim is at home helping Jeff ring out his tear soaked shirts, Gordon opens Capri for lunch.  Adding a kid flipping a sign outside and getting some help from Dorothy and the kitchen staff, Gordon shows the twins their laziness is costing them money!  The twins show up and see the place packed with a very simple menu for lunch.  We then learn that Jeff cries when he’s happy too when the twins realize they are missing out on easy cash.

We then arrive at the next hilarious moment.  Gordon has the twins get in a ring and do some punching.  Jeff of course cries and hits, and cries and swings, then cries and cheers. The chubby twin tears then become chubby twin rage.  Jeff is now ready.  The twins now see they may have to actually work to succeed.  The twins then spar with each other in what looks like 2 huge rolly pollies battling it out.

Gordon goes to work on the food next, creating homemade meatballs.  This is where we learn Jeff likes big balls and makes sure all of Eagle Rock knows it.  Gordon then gets his remodel on and really does a number on the joint bringing the Capri into the now.  This is where I start to lose track of which one is crying.  Personally, I think that both of them should have their man cards taken and burned.

With a remodled Capri, a new menu, homemade meatballs, and plenty of Kleenex for Jeff, we are ready for the re launch. The joint fills up as always when Gordon is in town and it is on.  Jim is trying to keep control of the kitchen, but the chicken isn’t being cooked and he’s starting to plate sloppily.  Gordon gets Jim back on track, but he still manages to get behind again.  Gordon immediately lays into the twins and gets them fired up. With the music of Braveheart in the background, the twins fight on.

The night ends in success and what a crying, sniffling, lazy battle it’s been.  You can tell Gordon wants to get the hell out.  I gotta figure Eagle Rock was not real high on his list of destinations.  I’m pretty sure Gordon grew 3 more forehead wrinkles after this one.

3 months later the twins were going strong, now open for lunch, and making their home made meatball.  Jeff gives us one more sniffle as we head off into the sunset.