CRUNCHY CEO CANAPES

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce Watson) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 12:45:00 +0000

CRUNCHY CEO CANAPÉS

1 box stale crackers

Sliced cheese

3 CEOs in stretch limos

assorted crudités

Gently spread an assortment of crackers along a Wall Street sidewalk within shouting range of Zuccotti Park. Garnish with sliced cheese. Wait for CEOs to pass in limos. Have Occupy Wall Street veterans hurl crudités at limos and scream, “You fucking greedheads, you ruined my life!”

Eat the Rich -- The Cookbook

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce Watson) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:22:00 +0000

EAT THE RICH -- THE COOKBOOK

"Greed is Healthy" -- Ivan Boesky

“Eat the Rich.” Since starting out as a bumper sticker in the 1970s, this catchy and tempting phrase has become a song, a film title, and a mantra in several countries. When times are tough, when CEO salaries are obscene, when corporate execs have one hand at the trough and the other on the Lamborghini, everyone talks about eating the rich. But no one gives you any recipes.

Until now.

PONZI PECAN PIE

2 cups pecans
1 cup flour
200 shares of Citibank
Bernard Madoff
½ stick butter, melted
1 cup molasses
1 cup brown sugar
1 pie crust

Blend butter, molasses, and brown sugar in a bowl. Add Bernie Madoff, minced. Mix in flour, beating with a furious rage. Pour mixture into pie crust and top with pecans and Citibank shares. Hurl into the oven. Bake at 400 until the greatest Ponzi scheme crook of them all is toasted to a crisp. Serves a grateful nation.

This blog -- “Eat the Rich -- The Cookbook” -- will offer tantalizing recipes for all occasions. Each recipe contains not just butter, sugar, and flour, but one of the greedies, snottiest, most succulent billionaire assholes on the planet. Why wallow in envy of the rich? Why merely loathe them, despise them, blame them for creating the worldwide financial meltdown that ruined your life, when you can serve them in a sizzling soufflé? Turn them into a savory stew? Make their private parts into a rich fondue and get their trophy wives to serve the crudités?

Stay tuned here to sample recipes ranging from hors d’oeuvres (“Crispy CEO Canapés”) to soups (“Salomon Brothers Sleazeball Gumbo”) and from Main Dishes ("Auto Exec Eggplant Casserole") to Desserts (“Gooey Greedy Gumdrops”).

But enough about the blog. Time for today's recipe! Bon Appetit!

HEDGE FUND HUMMUS

3 cups garbanzo beans, cooked

2 tablespoons Oil of Oligarch
2 Hedge Fund managers, pureed
1 copy of yesterday’s Wall Street Journal
salt to taste

Blend garbanzos and Oil of Oligarch in food processor. Add hedge fund managers. Sprinkle with salt. Serve with carrots, celery, and yesterday’s Wall Street Journal headlines.

“Wow!”
“Incredible!
“Best hummus I’ve ever had!”
“I’d kill my broker for seconds!”
You soak up the compliments, then add the kicker. “Wait till you hear the secret ingredient.” Heads turn. Notepads come out. And when you reveal that the succulent hummus your friends are devouring contains actual hedge fund managers, the real celebration begins. Your guests dive into the dip for more and more and more. Champagne corks pop on their own. Wit abounds.
“I was wondering what that oily taste was.”