EMToast

Alexander Hamilton Lives Up the Street from Me

Toastmaster — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 03:02:05 +0000

Alexander Hamilton, our beak nosed fifth president and designer of the 10 dollar bill lives right up the street from me. It’s kind of weird because I live in the 20th century and he died like 300 years ago. But I hear he get by alright. He lives with his mom, sells antiques for extra [...]

Jersey Shore: Meet the Original Bimbo

Toastmaster — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 01:48:09 +0000

Before Snookie, The Situation or any of those other Jersey Shore bimbos hit the scene, the ORIGINAL Bimbo 3 Ring Circus was terrifying children and adults alike. In a forgotten corner of a Seaside Heights boardwalk arcade, Bimbo waits for his next victim to drop a quarter. I was tempted to see what tricks this [...]

Gorilla Head

Toastmaster — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 03:38:44 +0000

It was 3 am and this was the second time her bladder had awoken her that night. She lay there for a moment contemplating whether she should get up and go or just try to fall back to sleep. A pounding at her door made the decision for her. She got up and made her [...]

Mama’s Been So Fat, Since Daddy Learned to Fry

Toastmaster — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 01:14:50 +0000

They say fried food is a killer. I doubt it. The grease is just good for your whole body. It greases up your blood and helps it slip through your veins and to your heart. It makes your bones more rubbery so you can take a fall without breaking a leg. It lubricates your eye [...]

THINKING…That’s How People Get Killed

Toastmaster — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 03:29:50 +0000

THINKING… that’s how people get killed. A public service statement from EMToast. photo credit: Focal Intent Similar Posts: Unfaithful Slut Wife Exposed by Motel Punch Card How Co-Workers Shit Behind Toilet Seat Interview with a Teenage Werewolf

Heat Causes Horses to Foam at the Mouth

Toastmaster — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 01:10:30 +0000

I like horses. They have shiny teeth. You can feed them sugar cubes. When it gets real hot they get all foamy. A horse can’t sweat it just foams and if it gets too hot the foam comes out of their mouth. Keep cranking up the heat and they get blood mane, fangs, and extremely [...]

You Blew Out My Fuckin’ Eye Drums

Toastmaster — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 02:13:58 +0000

Sitting in the dark. Nice and relaxed. You’re both tired. The night is over. You follow her into the next room. Both moving through darkness, comfortable in your familiar surroundings. Without warning, she hits the lights and you can’t help shouting “Christ! You blew out my fuckin’ eye drums.” Similar Posts: 12 Baby Boars Follow [...]

No One in This Family Eats Pepper

bixby — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 23:50:09 +0000

Similar Posts: EMToast Year One Retrospective Russian Scientist’s Family Adopts Tunguska Creature Happy One Year Anniversary! EMToast

“You better shut up or I’ll make your eye bigger than it already is.”

bixby — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 02:44:45 +0000

Similar Posts: You Blew Out My Fuckin’ Eye Drums It Come to Work Nice Shirt… Do They Make It In Men’s?

Commenter Murdered by the Media?

Toastmaster — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 17:25:44 +0000

In recent weeks EMToast has received a number of comments from a visitor by the name of Sickjunior. After visiting his blog MURDER BY MEDIA I learned that he suspects himself to be the victim of a lifelong conspiracy by the entertainment media to trap him in California, destroy his personal life, addict him to [...]

Nonsense is the New Making Sense at UC Berkeley

Toastmaster — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 02:15:35 +0000

Nonsense is the new making sense. At least at UC Berkeley Dept of Psychology where Professors Tania Griffith and Tomas Lombrazo co-teach their Proseminar: Foundations of Disassociative Cognition. CCN: 84955 Much like an immersive foreign language course, students in “Disassocitive” Class are asked to stop making sense as soon as they walk through the door. [...]

I Saw an Ape on the Beach Today

Toastmaster — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 12:47:16 +0000

This is the text message that I received from a family member on vacation. I thought it was a joke at the expense of some hairy French Canadian visiting the Jersey Shore. It turns out there was an actual ape brought to the beach to pose for tourist photos. From what I hear, the beast [...]

If Billy Wizard and April Had a Baby

Toastmaster — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 03:57:43 +0000

This is an artist’s rendering of the result of a hypothetical coupling between a fictional character named Billy Wizard, and April. The child appears to have a 14 head, crippled up fingers, a spray tan, and a frightening toy bear who loves sweets. Billy Wizard is a skinny old man drawing who has a dog [...]

The Wrestler Genie

Toastmaster — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 02:49:38 +0000

Hey! Did you see that movie the Wrestler? Yeah me too. It wasn’t as good as that cartoon back in the 80’s that had Hulk Hogan and all his friends on the good guys team and then on the bad guys team was the Iron Sheik and all his guys. That’s pretty much all I [...]

It Come to Work

bixby — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 00:41:40 +0000

It wake up. It take shower. It get dressed. It eat breakfast with Beatle look-a-like. It wait for bus. Bus is late. It thinking. It drive to work. It come to work on time. For more It Come, please visit the original 1997 Itcome site @ www.itcome.da.ru or http://emtoast.com/itcomeSimilar Posts: Controversial 90′s Artwork Found on [...]

Who Invented the Skittles?

Toastmaster — Sun, 30 May 2010 16:05:15 +0000

Who invented Skittles? It’s a simple question with many answers. An internet search would lead you to believe they were created by ether Paul Michaels and Rick Walden. Further digging proves that Paul Michaels is the current Global CEO of Mars, Inc, and Rick Walden is supposedly a worker at Mars, Inc. Neither answer is [...]

Interview with a Teenage Werewolf

Toastmaster — Tue, 25 May 2010 02:06:46 +0000

It’s not every day that you get the chance to interview a werewolf. One of the benefits of a site like EMToast is that you have an opportunity to meet mythical creatures right in the comments section. Please enjoy my interview with Alex aka Decronis and learn what it’s like to be a werewolf in [...]

Horror Movies, Control Your Volume

Toastmaster — Sat, 22 May 2010 15:08:04 +0000

Attention horror movie makers. Enough with the loud noises. They are a poor replacement for talent. You probably put those loud noises in there because you know that you are boring the audience, and you don’t want us to doze off for too long, but alarm clocks are only scary at 5:45 AM when you [...]

“Throw away the Neil Diamond cassette and I’ll go down on you”

Toastmaster — Sat, 22 May 2010 03:31:02 +0000

As a boy I idolized Fonzie from Happy Days. The Fonz was the coolest guy. He taught me that you can fix things by punching them. I don’t know how many tvs I fixed by giving them a good punch. And he would always put his thumbs up and say aaaaayyyy. At my first job, [...]

Doctors Warn, Wishing Causes Coma

Toastmaster — Mon, 17 May 2010 03:07:34 +0000

Never make a wish. Doctors at the Northeast Center for Brain Injury and Coma Research have released a shocking new study. 99% of coma victims are wish recipients. Studies done over the past 12 years on coma victims who have awakened show they had all made a wish within hours of becoming comatose. Even patients [...]

Infant Body Builders: Limits Are For Adults

Toastmaster — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 02:41:27 +0000

How young is too young? To these infant body builders affectionately known as “baby builders” it is never too early to start. Immediately after birth, their parents have made the choice to take extreme measures to push their babies to the limit of human muscle development. By administering a controversial mix of similac, protein powder, [...]

Black is the New Soylent Green

bixby — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 01:54:29 +0000

Pasta Tagliatelle is Black People!?! A new cookbook published by Penguin called The Pasta Bible has some unique ingredients included in it’s recipe for tagliatelle with sardines and prosciutto, such as “freshly ground black people.” Approximately 7,000 copies of the book were printed with this ingredient listed among it’s recipes before Penguin decided to take [...]

I Think We Gave the Yeti Too Much Sugar

Toastmaster — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 00:57:23 +0000

A strange creature dubbed the “bear yeti” has baffled Alaskan scientists. The animal was trapped by a group of ice fishermen after locals reported spotting what they thought was a polar bear. One fisherman said, “It looks like a polar bear, but moves like a bigfoot. We had it locked up, but the children kept [...]

Avatar Suicide Prevention with Billy Wizard

bixby — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 22:44:26 +0000

Pants on the ground is a life changing song it helps young people not kill theyselves after seeing Avatar the most saddest movie of our generation, says Billy Wizard who demands retribution for the sins against his people. His retribution comes every weds in the mail and cashed it and says he just got back [...]

Jesus Saved Me… from Getting Kicked Out of Community College

Toastmaster — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 00:54:20 +0000

Children’s Literature is the last course I ever imagined I’d take. Yet there I was, analyzing Curious George in my last semester of community college. I was working full time at one job, going to school 3 nights a week and there weren’t any night other options to fulfill the English requirement. I was still [...]