Sickened disease, a nation on it’s knees.

Gasping for a breath. Praying for an escape.

But all they receive is death.

Unsure, scared, surrounded by desolate earth.

“Can we escape it? Will we survive” Is the nation’s cry.

All hope forsaken, all loves lost.

Until in the midst of the winter sunset, a stranger comes, with him a lack of fear.

“Be wary, be swift, leave this place”

“Ride till the end, run to the east”

He screams outloud.

“Hope can be found.”

But alas, the people live in fear.

Never to leave as the stranger sets off, screaming in tears.

“Forgive me, my Lord, if I did not try,”

“But lost them all I have, leaving them all to die”

He spoke out loud, while he hears their cries.

Riding off in the path of the east.

This stranger rides ever on, to survive this horrific feast.

The feast, of the unforgiving moon.

First night w/ my new toy

————————

Just something that I kind of daydreamed one day. Sounds like it would make interesting book, no?

Give me your honest thoughts. On the story, what you think my mind is like, if i’m crazy…etc

But anyway, why is it that everything, anything, effects our mood? That the wrong colors together, the wrong note, pitch, or just sound can make or kill a moment? Why are we so controlled by our own bodies and life around us that IT defines how are day is…not by our own choice.
How is it that even through hundreds, thousands even, of years that we cannot learn to control our body over this? Personally I believe we never truly want to in everything. That it is worth the downside of ruining our day for the times it makes it.

But still, moods. I never have understood why it is that we are restrained in these meatsacks we call bodies and their many, many limitations. We have so much potential in our minds and spirits…and alot can be restrained or stopped because of the limits our flesh and soul have caused us to have. Yes, I know it is strange to think of it like that.

But if I do not, who then, will?

Simply put, I like to question things no one ever even thinks to complain or question about. It amuses me the limitations we put on our minds and how we react to the world and it’s many hidden, stone set rules around us, and that no one ever stops to think why they are there, what made them so, or even why they cant change. I think it’s because everyone else is satisfied with how it is. It works right? hah.
But for me, even if it works, I want to know why it works, if anything else would, and if so, why choose this way for it to?

I’ve literally sent myself into a type of trance thinking about things like this. Thinking so far into my mind and creativity that all my senses intertwine and are no more at the same time. That I’m looking at blackness at night, but I see so many things I cannot fathom into words, sounds, shapes, or colors.
And it sometime scares me that I never hear of anyone else who does the same, haha.

But I guess that is just how it is, how it goes, how it will be. And for me, I am done with my rambling that is inside my brain. So until next that I decide to type my heart, mind, and spirit into words that you can read and try to venture and envelope into my world of thought,

goodbye.

And I think I know why. We want to be like God, we want to create, change, and enjoy what we make. And what more free of a place then our free-will enpowered mind? I think he did that on purpose. In our body, we have limits. Many limits.
But in the mind, wow, in the mind the end is endless, the unbreakable is breakable, the right is wrong, left is right. Whatever we choose to fathom. With no-one to blame, thank, or enjoy it but ourselves. Now, it is possible to break some barriers and make a bridge between that universe and this. And that is with The Arts. But that, sadly, is still at limits.

But still, back to the matter hand on which I began to speak of, I sometimes scare myself, and all that is in me, that sometimes what I see isnt fiction, but only reality without it’s masks. And that isn’t a good thing. This world is very dark, and only 1/3 of it is seen with the naked eye. But to know that what I see, what horrible, terrible things I have been beset upon me in my restless night’s dreams and visions are real?

That is something is shakes me to the core.

Sick nights, bright lights, silly kids, enjoy it while it lasts.

Silver suns, black skies, death and decay, that is what enclasps.

Empty sex, filled lungs, dirty needles, lips, and tongues.

Bloody wrists, broken hearts, needless hurt, is this all we’re worth?

Nevermore I say we should be this way.

Nevermore I pray we stay this way.

Live, love, and repeat.

With this the pain, hurt, and death, we will defeat.

Am I forsaken, or am I forsaking?

Am I unique, or am I losing it?

I ask you, all of this.

And what do I get?

Nothing, nothing but silence.

Why am I here?

Why did you make me like this?

Is it for a cause?

Is it for a purpose?

Why give me this, and not give me the instructions.

Why make me like this, but not make it easy.

Would that make it too easy?

Would that make it too open?

If so, than what am I supposed to do?

Sit here alone?

Go out a fight?

Help the wounded?

Or just keep on asking why?

Oh, why, why?

Why would you leave me here?

Oh, why, why?

Why wont you answer me here?

Oh, why, why?

Why wont you tell me?

Oh, why, why?

Why do you keep trying to break me?

All I want, all I ask, is a little help

But all  I get, all I hear, is a little hurt.

Why? Why make it like this?

Are you this cruel?

Or is there a point?

Can’t you just nod, or make some sign?

Oh, why, why?

Why wont you answer me?

Oh, why, why?

Why wont you comfort me?

Oh, why, why?

Why would you give me this?

Oh, why, why?

What can I do with it?

But sit here alone, staring up at you.

Asking you these worthless questions.

I guess I’ll never know, but it was worth a try.

Until the next I cry, This is goodbye.

Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm. – Abraham Lincoln

Isn’t it funny how our former self can be the worst foe we ever face? How we are still be haunted by the demons of the past like we only had made their acquaintance that very evening.

How is it we can be trifled and overcome by the past, killed in our sleep like a slow poison…eating at our very soul… and decimate our very being; blood wrenched and worst of all…victorious.

How is it we cannot truly defeat this once welcomed; but now worst enemy…what is it’s name? Oh, you know it well…it is your past mistakes. Not done by another, only by your own blood, your own vices, your own lust…and the only one you can blame is yourself as it overcomes you like a ocean; wave after wave…until you are too weary, and are overcame…and ultimately defeated.

Why is it that we can not just own up to it all, get it in the open…share our faults, our fears, our pain… Instead, like little ignorant fools we keep it to ourselves…in shame, in hatred, in fear. So really, honestly…why not? Do we not realize every other being on the planet has done something as well? That we are all equal, that we have all fallen at one point or another? Then why is it, we cannot come together in whole, and truly be equal with another in all things…instead of digging our own grave.

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. – Romans 3:23 (NIV)

I don’t know, life has been shooting me in the face this last month… Not just this and that… just everything; the point, the flow, the love, the reason, the peace, the hate. Just everything… I’ve felt so disconnected to the real world here lately…no reason to… just have been… I’ve been slowly reconnecting, especially with help from loved ones. But still, it’s just like taking everything in, its hard not to… to think of earth as a small dot in the works of everything. To think of work, play, sleep, and all the in-between.
I cant help it, I cant stop it. All I can do is try and rejoin the rest of you living your daily lives among another, while I feel like I’m observing ants in a ant habitat. Going about your daily life, all connected to one another without even realizing it really…but still all connected to each other. But I’m not, I am some kind of observer in the distance, commingling amidst you, and putting on a smile like I am part of you, but in reality only half of me is…only part of my spirit is, the rest is in a different world, a different everything. No one knows but me, and my God above…and most likely all but a handfull will ever know.

What can I do? nothing, ever. I have to live the rest of my human life in this meatsack of sin until the day my flesh dies and rots, maggot infested in the ground below, it almost is like the sin catches up with the body through the decay of the maggots…if you think about it that is what sin is coming out of our lives, life decaying maggots harvesting on our souls, much like they do our bodies once we die.
I’m stuck, I’m afraid, I’m slipping away… I’m tired, I’m scratching at the walls trying to hold on, I’m…I’m ready to feel at home again…reconnected, warm, at touch with my soul. Instead I am at war with myself, my will, and my heart. Because that is all I can do, and it cannot ever end… This, is my blessing and curse. To have this war. To have this disconnection. To have what I have, be who I am, and become what I will.

Is it worth it? Yes.
Does it always feel like it? No, rarely ever does.

Is this fair, you ask? Really, the answer is up to the eye of the beholder. To me, yes, it is for reasons noone would understand but me. But alas, I still have to bear it with passion, with pride, and with honor till the day I die.

Only me, myself, and God. But I know one thing…I have, and shall always be Semper Fidelis to it all.

So, in short?

Had amazing times with Madison which I’d love to go into detail about each one…but I will say we are growing closer than before… we might have our moments… but when it comes down to it… I love that woman whole-heartedly and endlessly, and cannot wait to marry her :] I love you Madison. Time, trials, and tribulations might come our way… But I’m in this for the long run… and that is not ever changing, my love.

Anyway, had an amazing concert in a school cafeteria with The Joshua Band…ahhh…it felt so nice to play somewhere like that and have such an amazing show, word, and altar call (over 50 kids got saved/rededicated).

I have rekindled my love for tinkering (soldering to fix stuff, build stuff, or change stuff…messing with pcs, building pcs..etc)…and in doing so I have made it once again harder to choose my career path

I have began to make/already made new close friends…and I know they’ll prob be life friends…and realized some that I lost…that I wish I didn’t. And I will continue to miss them until I rekindle or close that relationship that I severed.

I still don’t have a job.

I am getting near graduation…May 22nd!

I am still–if not more–insane/crazy/random.

I really don’t know what else that there is to say of importance atm… prob will have forgotten something big and have to make a new one…but oh well haha.

Hatred ever kills, love never dies; such is the vast difference between the two.
What is obtained by love is retained for all time. What is obtained by hatred proves
a burden in reality for it increases hatred. – Ghandi