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Freudian Slip of The Day

garamoni@gmail.com — 2009-03-20T17:12:44-04:00

After talking about a painful divorce and custody battle with his first wife, a man smilingly declared that when he met the woman who would eventually be his second wife, he had “a new leash on life.”

Anger Management: Recommended Books

garamoni@gmail.com — 2009-03-11T16:52:27-04:00

I have just created a list of five books I am recommending on anger management. For years and with good results I have recommended these books to help people deal with anger control issues both in individual therapy and marriage counseling: I have been recommending Asserting Yourself by Sharon Bowers and Gordon Bowers for years to help people learn and substitute new, healthy assertive behaviors for old, self-defeating patterns of aggressive behaviors or passive (nonassertive) behaviors. If you like the look and feel of a workbook, you will like this book because the authors provide lots of exericises. My favorite part of the book is the four-step technique for handling interpersonal conflicts--DESC scripts: Describe the other person’s behavior objectively in concrete terms, Express your feelings calmly about this behavior, Specify the concrete actions you want to see stopped and those you want instead, Consequences--make them explicit--rewards for change, punishments for no change. This four-step process of formatting an assertive response helps you steer a course between the extremes of being aggressive and passive. I highly recommend this book to anyone with assertiveness problems, including those with anger management issues. Now in its ninth edition, Your Perfect Right by Albert and Emmons is the guide for assertiveness most recommended by therapists. Read the reviews on Amazon and you will see why this book is called the ‘bible” of assertiveness. As the title suggests, we have the perfect right to express what we want and act in our own best interests in family, work, and social situations. And we can do this while respecting the same right that others have to be assertive. I have been recommending this book for years. Some of my clients like this book better than Asserting Yourself. I highly recommend getting both books. Therapists commonly recommend the The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns to their clients. This book is a follow-up to Dr. Burns’ classic, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. I usually recommend the Handbook because it provides help on a broader range of topics. Dr. Burns gives a clearly written summary of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). He provides written exercises to help you understand the connections between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in stressful situations. He then helps you gain control of the thoughts and behaviors that contribute to depression, anxiety, and other emotional problems, including anger. The signature strength of this book is not that it covers anger in greta detail; it does not. What this book does do is help you understand (a) the general cognitive theory of emotions--that what we feel (including anger) is determined by what we think--and (b) how to feel better by learning and using various techniques to identify and change dysfunctional patterns of thinking. Also useful to those with anger management issues is Part IV. Feeling Good Togethr: How to Strengthen Relationships Through Better Communication. How To Control Your Anger Before It Controls You by Drs. Albert Ellis (“the grandfather of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and Raymond Chip Tafrate present cognitive-behavioral techniques to help understand that angry reactions to difficult people in work, home, and social situations are rooted in the way people think about these situations, and that by changing our thoughts, people can change their reactions. I highly recommend this book. Patricia Evans book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond, is a classic self-help book targeted primarily at woman in abusive relationships with men. Read with an open mind, the book offers insights that also apply to men in verbally abusive relationships with women. When people with anger management issues read this book, it can help them see more clearly the impact of their angry behavior has on other people and motivate them to change.

How Often Do People Do It? On YouTube

garamoni@gmail.com — 2009-03-08T18:23:03-04:00

Take a guess how often people do it. You might be surprised by how often some people are doing it and how often others are not doing it. I hope you enjoy the strip tease music courtesy of YouTube.

Recommended Books

garamoni@gmail.com — 2009-03-07T16:29:45-05:00

Anyone who has been to the self-help and psychology sections of a book store knows that there are very many books offering information and advice on topics related to emotional health and well-being. So much to read, so little time! I thought I would help you sort through this mess and pick some of the best of these books. So I have added a page to my web site--"Book Recommendations"--at http://www.drgaramoni/book_recommendations.html. So far I have listed 21 books in several categories, including: • Children, Adolescents, Families • Generalized Anxiety, Panic, Phobias, PTSD, Social Anxiety • Love, Marriage, Divorce • Mood Disorders, Depression, Bipolar Disorder • Self-Esteem • Sex & Sex Therapy I have also posted relevant book recommendations on related web pages (i.e., books on sex and sex therapy on the page "Sex Therapy"). By clicking on the pictures of the books, you can buy them at Amazon, my favorite online book store. I will be adding more books to these and other categories (e.g., anger management) as time permits. You may also want to bookmark this page for future reference. Positive and negative feedback on these books is welcome and may be posted in future updates of this page.

Related Psychology Web Sites

garamoni@gmail.com — 2009-03-06T18:04:16-05:00

I have added a new page to my web site--“Related Psychology Websites”--where you will find links to useful web sites on psychology, depression, anxiety, cognitive therapy/cognitive behavioral therapy, learning disabilities, giftedness, self-esteem, sex and sex therapy. More links will be posted as time permits. There is a lot of “information” about these topics on the web that is of dubious quality. I have personally found the web sites I have listed here to be useful resources and hope that you do, too. Here it is: http://www.drgaramoni.com/Related_Psychology_Web_Sites.html.

Deep Thought for The Day

garamoni@gmail.com — 2009-02-20T00:32:43-05:00

A client said: "Anal people are a pain in the a@#." What do you think? What makes them seem that way to you? My favorite phrase for people who are the opposite of being anal? “Tolerant of Disorder.” You gotta love it--not messy, disorganized, or even dirty, but tolerant of disorder.

Deep Thought for The Day

garamoni@gmail.com — 2009-02-18T23:06:16-05:00

“Enmeshment knows no boundaries.” Anyone with training in family therapy immediately knows what this means. Anyone who has watched “Everybody Loves Raymond” also has a sense of how intrusive some family members can be to the dismay of other family members. We say that these families don’t have a sense of proper boundaries--they are “enmeshed.”

Six Steps to A World-Class Apology

garamoni@gmail.com — 2009-01-28T19:10:53-05:00

I remember walking into the lecture hall one day and seeing Father McGrath doing what he usually did before every lecture: He was methodically outlining on the chalkboard the main points of the day’s lecture. ... Over the last 28 years, I have constructed my own secular model of a “world-class apology” by building on the foundation laid by this insightful and engaging man. In individual psychotherapy and especially marriage counseling, I am often called upon to help people apologize to a spouse (or other loved one) whom they have hurt. I see my job as one of helping couples author and enact a “script” that will lead them to a restoration of trust and commitment in their relationship. ...I have found from experience that couples appreciate this framework because they are usually engulfed in a sea of emotion-laden and disconnected details of what is happening in their relationship. The notion of a script marked by a beginning (Prologue) and an end (Epilogue) provides a conceptual context within which they can interpret the unfolding sequence of events in their unique personal drama as being similar to the universal drama of other people who have hurt, or been hurt by, a partner in an intimate relationship. The idea that couples can author their own script with the expert guidance of an experienced professional provides a much-needed sense of safety, empowerment and hope. My involvement usually begins in Act I or Act II--some time after the “victim” has been “injured” by the “transgression” of the “perpetrator.” What I want to focus on here is the “script” for Act II: The Offer of Apology. For ease of exposition, I will describe the offer of apology in the context of marriage, but the principles are general enough to be applicable to any significant long-term relationship. I have been able to identify six steps that need to be taken to deliver a “world-class apology” worthy of, and likely to elicit, a genuine response of forgiveness. ...The first step is to admit and describe what you did or said--or failed to say or do--that hurt your spouse: ...Also etched in our historical and public memory is President Clinton’s denial in the Lewinsky scandal: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky!” When we are deceptive, we need to admit to that as well because that form of betrayal hurts as much as if not more than the original one. ...Please tell me more about what you have been going through so I can better appreciate what I have done to hurt you. We’ll take as long as it takes for me to fully understand what you have been going through.” ...Equally if not more important is that your discussion leads your spouse to be thoroughly convinced that you really do understand the pain you have caused because, well, you really have taken the time to understand AND empathize AND communicate your understanding and empathy. ... • Your emotional ability to empathize with your spouse--to jump out of your own skin and vicariously experience what it must be like to be your spouse--making it real to yourself what your spouse has been experiencing--thinking, feeling, and doing--as a result of your behavior; and  • Your behavioral ability to express this empathic understanding in a way that convinces your spouse that you really do understand what it must be like to be hurt the way he or she is hurting. I have found that it is impossible to achieve forgiveness and the restoration of trust when couples try to sidestep or rush though this process. ...The third step involves saying your are sorry, expressing your feelings of remorse, and explicitly apologizing for the hurt you caused: ...He or she would find it hard to forgive you and ever trust you again if you displayed a lack of sincere contrition, remorse, repentance, or sorrow. If you have dwelled on the hurt you caused (see step #2 above), you will of necessity experience feelings of regret, pangs of conscience, shame, guilt, or compunction. ...The fourth step to a world-class apology is to promise your spouse that you will never do this again. ...Running though the back (or front) of your spouse’s mind are a series of questions about your willingness and ability to keep your promise, such as: ...These questions are not put to rest easily--especially when you have hurt your spouse on more than one occasion and/or you have been deceptive afterwards. ...You have checked out alternative models and this one has everything you need--comfort, safety, cost of ownership, etc., so you feel confident about your decision to get this one and drive it off the dealer’s lot with an abundance of owner’s pride. On the way home, you step on the brakes as you go into a sharp turn in the road, but the brakes don’t work. ...You tell them to keep it, but they apologize profusely, tell you they have fixed your car, promise you this won’t happen again, and do their best to assure you that it is safe to drive this car. ...When the dealer promises you this time that your car is safe to drive, you don’t take him at his word. You instead rely on your friendly mechanic to give you his diagnosis of the problem and to tell you whether the problem has been fixed, and, bottom line, whether your car is safe to drive. ...Like the mechanic, you need to assure your spouse that you have spent the time necessary to “diagnose” and “fix” whatever problems that led you hurt your spouse. Perhaps you even decide to hire a therapist to help you “re-wire” yourself so you won’t ever do something like that in the future. Without explaining away or otherwise excusing yourself from your responsibility for the choices you made and the hurt caused by your choices, you need to understand and then explain to your spouse how you were “pre-wired” to make the hurtful choices you made. ...“What was going on inside my head and in my life that motivated me to make the bad choices that hurt my spouse? ...Above all, you need to help your spouse see that you have indeed made the necessary internal and external changes in your life so that you are no longer “pre-wired” to do what you did. Your spouse needs to believe that you will not veer off course from your commitment to be a safe and trustworthy companion in your future journeys together. ...The fifth step is to try to make amends by doing something to help make up for the wrong inflicted on your spouse. Here we are talking about some reparation or compensation, real or symbolic, that will objectively express the sincerity of the other steps (#1-#5) you have taken to apologize. ...Her husband delivered a “world-class apology” that included an offer of amends: He promised that he would never again hang out with his friends at these singles bars. ...The organization he worked for fostered a “work-hard, play-hard” culture in which the attitude, “what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them,” was prevalent among male employees. When the infidelity was discovered, it did serious damage to this man’s relationship with his wife. ...The last step in Act II: The Offer of Apology is to ask your spouse for forgiveness. At this point, you must be prepared to wait until your spouse is ready to enact her reciprocal and leading role in Act III: The Response of Forgiveness. If you have conscientiously followed steps #1 through #6, the likelihood is that your spouse will explicitly forgive you and act accordingly. Sometimes couples have to recycle through the apology process several times until all of the emotionally-laden material is adequately processed and can be put to rest. Sometimes people who can’t readily forgive in the face of a “world class apology” just need some more time. Sometimes professional help is needed to uncover and resolve feelings of betrayal and issues of trust that pre-date the marriage and stem from one’s family of origin. ...v=20" onmouseover="return addthis_open(this, '', '[URL]', '[TITLE]')" onmouseout="addthis_close()" onclick="return addthis_sendto()"> ...sub=addfavbtn&add=http://www.drgaramoni.com/Blog-Living-Your-Whole-Life-Well/Blog-Living-Your-Whole-Life-Well.html">

An Example of Non-Verbal Intimacy

garamoni@gmail.com — 2009-01-27T08:19:47-05:00

In her book, The Psychology of Intimacy, psychologist Karen Prager calls attention to the fact that the word “intimacy” can be used to refer to a characteristic of relationships, behavioral interactions, and subjective experiences. An important question for scientists and practioners--and all of us who cherish intimacy--is: What kinds of verbal and non-verbal behaviors bring about the experience of intimacy? Dr. Prager offers the following example of the connection between intimate behavior and intimate experience: “Katie has been listening to an uninspiring lecture for nearly an hour and has found her eyelids dropping more than once. Suddenly, the speaker catches her attention by making a substantial factual error. Amused and now awake, Katie, without reflection, looks in the direction of her close friend and colleague, Grant, who is sitting several rows away, to see if he caught the error. To her delight, he has simultaneously turned in her direction. When their eyes meet, both mime raised eyebrows and wide-open eyes in feigned horror. Both smile and turn back to the speaker. Katie’s feelings of warmth and amusement persist for several minutes.” Here we see that Katie and Grant experience a moment of intimacy. Their interaction is intimate because they share something that is totally private. Katie’s intimate experience is constituted by two things: positive feelings of warmth toward Grant and her perception that she and Grant both understand each other’s meaning. Of interest is the fact that their intimate behaviors are all non-verbal: They each use eye contact to seek out the other and then use facial expressions to express and share their amusement. This example nicely illustrates the general ideas that (1) intimate experience is a product of intimate behavior, (2) non-verbal behaviors can produce intimate experience, and (3) intimate experience consists of a sense of shared understanding accompanied by some positive feeling(s).

Mutual Understanding in Intimacy

garamoni@gmail.com — 2009-01-26T20:27:51-05:00

Intimacy is one of the three components of relationships in the Triangular Model of Love proposed by psychologist Daniel Sternberg. I think an intimate relationship is constituted by four feelings: mutual understanding, mutual liking, mutual respect, and mutual admiration. Here I share some of my own thoughts about one aspect of intimacy: mutual understanding. Your verbal and non-verbal interactions with your partner may lead you to have the experience of intimacy. A core component of intimate experience is the feeling of being visible, understood, and known by your partner. To help you better understand this point, I want to share Psychologist Nathaniel Branden's refections on intimacy. In his book, The Psychology of Self-Esteem, Branden wrote about an experience he had with his wire-haired fox terrier, “Muttnik”: “We were jabbing at and boxing with each other in mock ferociousness; what I found delightful and fascinating was the extent to which Muttnik appeared to grasp the playfulness of my intention: she was snarling and snapping and striking back while being unfailingly gentle in a manner that projected total, fearless trust. The event was not unusual; it is one with which most dog-owners are familiar. But a question suddenly occurred to me, of a kind I had never asked myself before: Why am I having such an enjoyable time? What is the nature and source of my pleasure? . . . “When I identified the answer, I called it "the Muttnik principle" because of the circumstances under which it was discovered. Now let us consider the nature of this principle. “My particular feeling of pleasure in playing with Muttnik contained a particular kind of self-awareness, and this was the key to understanding my reaction. The self-awareness came from the nature of the "feedback" Muttnik was providing. From the moment that I began to "box," she responded in a playful manner; she conveyed no sign of feeling threatened; she projected an attitude of trust and pleasurable excitement. Were I to push or jab at an inanimate object, it would react in a purely mechanical way; it would not be responding to me; there could be no possibility of it grasping the meaning of my actions, of apprehending my intentions, and of guiding its behavior accordingly. It could not react to my psychology, i.e., to my mental state. ... The effect of Muttnik's behavior was to make me feel seen, to make me feel psychologically visible (at least, to some extent). Muttnik was responding to me, not as to a mechanical object, but as to a person.” The dog’s response, writes Branden, was "objectively appropriate, i.e., consonant with my view of myself and of what I was conveying to her." Branden observes that we experience ourselves as a process over time; our "self-concept" evolves as "a cluster of images and abstract perspectives." The act of being perceived by other living entities enables us to have "the fullest possible experience of the reality and objectivity of that person, of [the] self." Through Muttnik's responses to him, Branden was able to see reflected an aspect of his own personality--playfulness. “This, then, is the root of man's desire for companionship and love: the desire to perceive himself as an entity in reality--to experience the perspective of objectivity--through and by means of the reactions and responses of other human beings. “The principle involved ("the Muttnik principle")--let us call it "the Visibility principle"--may be summarized as follows: Man desires and needs the experience of self-awareness that results from perceiving his self as an objective existent and he is able to achieve this experience through interaction with the consciousness of other living entities.” Now to grasp this point just imagine being with the one you love and experiencing a warm feeling of intimacy unfolding during an interaction--where you are the “I”: ...So I express what is on my mind . . . something personal . . . and private . . . ...And you look at me and listen to me with undivided attention . . . ...And you express your understanding of what is on my mind . . . ...And I look at you and listen to you with undivided attention . . . ...And then you sense that I feel this way . . . ...And knowing that makes you feel drawn closer, too . . . At its best, this feeling of being understood, known, and visible is mutual. ...And you express that to me . . . ...So you express what is on your mind . . . something personal . . . and private . . . ...And I look at you and listen to you with undivided attention . . . ...And I express my understanding of what is on your mind . . . ...And you look at me and listen to me with undivided attention . . . ...And you feel seen by me and heard by me . . . ...And you feel drawn closer to me . . . ...And then I sense that you feel this way . . . ...And knowing that makes me feel drawn closer, too . . . ...And I want to touch you . . . and you sense that I want to touch you . . . and you do want me to touch you . . . and I sense that you want me to touch you . . . ...And you want to touch me, too . . . and I sense that you want to touch me . . . and I want you to touch me . . . and you sense that I want you to touch me . . . ...And we feel close to each other . . . and we both really like that . . . and we both express that to each other . . . and knowing that about each other makes us both feel very good . . . ...You feel touched by the other’s mind and body. ...That is my best take at describing the experience of mutual understanding during an intimate interaction. ...v=20" onmouseover="return addthis_open(this, '', '[URL]', '[TITLE]')" onmouseout="addthis_close()" onclick="return addthis_sendto()"> ...sub=addfavbtn&add=http://www.drgaramoni.com/Blog-Living-Your-Whole-Life-Well/Blog-Living-Your-Whole-Life-Well.html">

Model of Love

garamoni@gmail.com — 2009-01-03T17:09:57-05:00

In couples therapy, one of the first things I do is to introduce a model of love and encourage partners to use this model to understand their own relationship. ... D., the Triangular Theory of Love characterizes love relationships as being constituted by different combinations of three elements: Intimacy, Passion and Commitment. Different types of love can be described by different combinations of these three elements. A relationship based on a single element is less likely to last than one based on two or more elements. The relative emphasis of each component changes over time as an adult romantic relationship develops. • Liking includes only one of the love components: Intimacy without passion or commitment. In this case, “liking” is not used in a trivial sense. Intimate liking characterizes a developing friendship in which a person feels a bondedness, a warmth, and a closeness with another, but without intense passion or long-term commitment. When I worked for PepsiCo International, I had many occasions to sit next to get to know people on long international flights. Hours of conversation later, I would feel a sense of mutual visibility and liking with this person. I call this relationship the “would-be best friend.”   • Infatuation also includes only one component: Passion without liking or commitment. This is "love at first sight" or what is better captured by the phrase “lust at first sight.” But without the intimacy and the commitment components of love, infatuated love may disappear suddenly. We have all known people who can meet someone and have sex with them the same day. Do they get to know each other and feel intimacy? ... I call this type of relationship “The Fling.”  • Empty Love consists is the third form of love that only has one component: Commitment without intimacy or passion. A stronger love relationship can deteriorate into one in which the commitment remains, but the intimacy and passion have died. Also, relationships often begin as empty love in cultures in which arranged marriages are common. So what is the “glue” that keeps a couple together when there is no intimacy and passion? Religion, the children, illness, fear of being on one's own--these are some of the motivations I've seen for people in empty love relationships. This kind of relationship might be labelled “The Obligatory Marriage.”   • Romantic Love is a combination of intimacy and Passion. Romantic lovers are bonded emotionally (as in liking) and physically through passionate arousal. ... I recall a woman who spent years in love with a married man. They shared deeply held values and beliefs and had many common interests. ... But he had children and would not abandon his commitment to his family. His relative lack of commitment to her was apparent when he was unable to be there for her during a serious illness. This type of relationship might be called the “The Affair.”   • Companionate Love consists of Intimacy and Commitment. This type of love is often found in marriages in which the passion has gone out of the relationship, but a deep affection and commitment remain. I call this type of relationship “The Best Friend.”  • Fatuous Love has the Passion and the Commitment components but not the intimacy component. This type of love can be exemplified by a whirlwind courtship and marriage in which a commitment is motivated largely by passion, without the stabilizing influence of intimacy. I recall one couple who went to a year high school reunion. ... After some drinks and dancing, they disappeared into a hotel room and never emerged to join in the rest of the weekend’s activities. Engulfed by passion, they got married a few days later. Then, after learning they had little in common and didn't really like each other, the marriage was annulled several months later. I call this type of relationship “The Hollywood Marriage.”   • Consummate Love is the only type of love that includes all three components--Intimacy, Passion and Commitment. Consummate love is the most complete form of love, and it represents the ideal love relationship for which many people strive but which apparently few achieve. Maintaining a consummate love relationship may be even harder than achieving it. The three components of love must be expressed in action for this form of love to flourish. I call this type of relationship “The Ideal Marriage.” ...

The Art of Love: The Conversational Palette

garamoni@gmail.com — 2009-01-04T08:46:43-05:00

A painter’s colors, a composer’s notes, a poet’s words – all are chosen by the artist to affect us in some way – to move us to feel something the artist wants us to feel. Like an artist, you can choose topics from your “Conversational Palette” that move your partner to feel more intimacy, passion, and commitment in your relationship. If you want more intimacy, choose a topic that makes your partner feel positive about you. For example, talk about something you did today that your partner would like, respect or admire. Alternatively, focus the conversation on something about your partner that you like, respect or admire. Or if more passion is the goal, talk about something – real or imaginary -- that might arouse attraction, affection or lust. This might be anything exciting in the past, present or future. And if commitment needs a lift, discuss a topic that reflects your devotion to each other. Talk about anything that highlights acts of caring, trust, support, or appreciation. The Conversational Palette is the key to romantic love.