Step 1: Facebook – For the past week I had been discussing with my Facebook friends about my soon to be triumphant re-entry into the workplace. I received encouragement and assurances that it would all work out for the best. I seem to lack the amount of faith that most people I know have in the inevitability of positive outcomes. Of course I appreciated their kind words and I needed a pep talk anyway so it was all for the best I guess. I was a bit worried prior to the interview and after the interview I was even more worried. I was probably being pessimistic. My Facebook friends were probably right, despite a shaky interview I was probably a lock for the job, I thought to myself. I don’t think I have ever went on an interview and not gotten hired. It is probably more likely a result of my unwillingness to apply for a job, unless I was fairly certain I would get hired, than anything else. Anyway as you know I did not get the job. Ironically my worrying may have been my ultimate downfall, actually I know it was what caused me to not get the job. The woman who interviewed me for the job said that my resume and past work experience were all good, but that during the interview I had not really shown the outgoing personality traits that they were looking for at this job. Now in my defense I was extremely nervous and it was an unconventional group interview which completely threw me off. It really had nothing to do with the potential job, it took forever and it didn’t really give me a chance to explain fully why they should hire me.

I previously said that after a few moments of grief I decided to dust myself off and stop lying around feeling self-pity. Well my first move was actually to roll over and grab my laptop and log onto my Facebook account to tell my Facebook friends the sorry news. They attempted to lift my spirits in various ways. Many of them were sure that this was a sign that it wasn’t meant to be and that I would find something else. One suggested that I drink away my sorrow the next night. I appreciated all the suggestions and condolences, but I was looking for some additional wisdom to let me know everything was going to be alright.

Step 2: The Bible - I am not a religious man, but I know many people who are, so I thought I would turn to the bible for some guidance. Even if I don’t believe in the bible as an historically accurate account of history, surely there is some wisdom to be had by reading it. As luck would have it I had just read about an online random bible quote generator. It was used to insert bible quotes randomly in a blog post. I scoffed at it at first thinking that it seemed to be nonsensical that you would put a random quote into a blog post, but I realized that to the religious mind nothing is random. To them it is all a part of a greater plan by a deity who looks down at us all and is able to influence any event whenever he so chooses by way of Providence. Of course if he is able to do this or perhaps if it is already a part of his greater plan than certainly he could rig the random bible quote generator to spit out quotes that could provide context for whatever the situation dictated. This can also be done through a computer program. Examples of this include Zemanta which I use for this blog. It scours my post and tries to find relevant links, related pictures or articles. Google Adsense also uses a similar process to try to advertise to the readers, whoever few they may be, of this blog. I was not going to use the random quote generator at the end of a post as it was likely intended. In that case it would be easy for the program to use what I had written to come up with a wise proverb or quote from the bible. No, I wanted a truly random one assuming there is such a thing.

‘In the first month, on the fourteenth day of the month at evening, you shall eat unleavened bread, and so until the twenty-first day of the month at evening’

I was not really sure how to interpret the significance of this quote. Let me rephrase that I understand that leavened and unleavened bread played a significant role in the bible and in the subsequent schism between Eastern and Western churches later on, but I do not understand how it applies to my situation. Coincidentally it was the thirteenth of the month when I was searching the random bible quote generator for a meaningful quote so perhaps I needed to eat unleavened bread for a week as the quote says. I know pita and matza are considered unleavened bread, but I would guess that a flat tortilla would also technically be considered unleavened bread. This would give me a good excuse to eat burritos for a week. I don’t really need an excuse to go to Moe’s and a Chipotle just recently opened in my area. I am starting to like the random bible quote generator.

“These you may eat, of all that are in the waters. Everything in the waters that has fins and scales, whether in the seas or in the rivers, you may eat. But anything in the seas or the rivers that has not fins and scales, of the swarming creatures in the waters and of the living creatures that are in the waters, is detestable to you.You shall regard them as detestable; you shall not eat any of their flesh, and you shall detest their carcasses. Everything in the waters that has not fins and scales is detestable to you.”

I don’t really see how that is relevant. Maybe it is saying I am being punished for eating shrimp and that is why I didn’t get the job. Unlike the previous quote instructing me to eat burritos for seven days, this one seems to be a non-sequitur.

Step 3: Random 1980’s song lyric generator – After initially showing great promise, I gave up on the random bible quote generator after it seemed to obsess about my dietary habits. In addition to not having the same affinity for bible quotes as many other people I know, I also lack enthusiasm for 1980’s pop music. Still I wondered if perhaps somewhere beneath the bad music there was some wisdom to be found in the lyrics. Ok let’s find out what the random 1980’s popular music song lyric generator has to say.

“You got to have a j.o.b. if you want to be with me. Ain’t nothing going on but the rent.”

This random generator produced a quote that was in context, but it failed to make me feel any better about my situation. It reminded me that not only did I not have j.o.b., but I was also single. I will give it one more try.

“We don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time. No no. We can dance and party all night and drink some cherry wine. Aha. Nahnah nah nah nahnananah na na.”

Another non-sequitur, and it also seems that the same company may be responsible for producing these “random” generators. All they want to talk about is food and purity.

Unfortunately I was not able to gain any solace from the random 1980’s song lyric generator or the random bible quote generator. Going on Facebook and receiving encouragement and advice from friends was far better than either of the alternatives. Turning my troubles into a rambling slightly-coherent blog post is what finally made me feel better about the whole thing.

Postscript: Since I touched on religion and 1980’s pop music I understand there is a possibility that someone will read this and get offended, maybe not as likely as the possibility that someone will read this and be bored to death by it or that someone will read it and not get what I was trying to say, but still someone may be offended by it. It was not my intent to do so. In fact I did not really intend it to have a coherent message either. I just started rambling about how I didn’t get the job I applied for and one thing led to another. I think the title of the new Larry David movie sums up my thoughts on the post best, “Whatever Works”. If reading scripture, praying, listening to bad music or writing rambling slightly-coherent blog posts helps you to make some sense over the seemingly random events of your life than I think it is great. Now back to one more attempt to extract meaning from a seemingly random unrelated quote. Time for the random 1980’s sitcom lyric generator. In this case I think it is more dramatic if it is read in a preacher’s voice rather than sung.

“The world does not move to the beat of just one drum…What might be right for you…may not be right for some…Because it takes different strokes to move the world.”

Interesting. It seems to be relevant at least to the last paragraph. I have a good feeling about the random 1980’s sitcom lyric generator so far. Let’s try one more.

“Temporary layoffs, Good times. Easy credit rip offs. Good Times. Hanging in a chow line. Good times. We’re so lucky we got em’. Good Times.”

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I have watched the commercial numerous times today expecting to hear mention of why the taco is called the blackjack and have yet to hear a good explanation. I guess I failed to mention that the taco shell is black. So it makes some sense, I guess, but why is it black? Are they using some horribly-mutated new variety of corn? Are they using some other ingredient in lieu of corn? Is there a secret ingredient that allows the consumer who eats a blackjack taco the ability to be able to count cards in blackjack? If it is the latter than eight-nine cents is more than a reasonable price for the taco, but otherwise it is downright terrifying to imagine the possible reasons why this abomination has been conjured up by the good people of Yum Brands Incorporated.

So far I have not been able to get any answers to these perfectly reasonable questions. Now I will admit that I haven’t actually asked anyone these questions yet, but that is just not a good enough excuse for me. The picture above appears to be proof of the devastation that is going to occur after the introduction of this sinister taco.

As always when there is a mystery I cannot solve these days, I will turn to the magical oracle known as Google and see what he has to say about this blackjack taco. If he does not know the origin, purpose and ingredients of the blackjack taco, then we can all agree that the blackjack taco is likely a foreshadowing of the end times. I will let you know when I hear from him.

Update: According to the oracle, it is not as actually a harbinger of the end times, it is fact a pretty standard taco. Perhaps this should serve as some sort of lesson to not overreact to every commercial I see. This was almost as bad as that time Peter called 911 because Taco Bell forgot to give him cinnamon sticks with his order. (Imagine Family Guy clip with Peter, which is not an actual clip from Family Guy ,and if it was it would not be included anyway for copyright reasons. There have actually been real cases of people who have called 911 because they received the wrong order at a fast food restaurant so that allows me to use the based on actual events tag.)

The black taco shell coloring is apparently achieved by some new technology called food coloring, and there is some pepper jack sauce and three kinds of cheeses. This news comes by way of a website called Grubgrade via a Google search.

A crunchy black taco shell filled with seasoned beef,  zesty pepper jack sauce, shredded lettuce and a blend of three cheeses - cheddar, pepper jack and mozzarella.

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I did not have access to a ride back home from the auto repair shop where I was having my car inspected, so I prepared myself for the dread of sitting around in the waiting area reading six month old issues of Sports Illustrated. To be more precise, if I was lucky they would have numerous issues of Sports Illustrated or Newsweek, but likely they would have one or two, and I would spend the bulk of my time sitting there peering out the window watching traffic.

When I used to get my car serviced at this repair shop, I would go across the street to the bookstore and spend most of my wait hunting for as many books as I could find. My appetite for finding and reading new books has become ravenous in recent years. I can never find enough books to satiate my reading needs. I would not have been so apprehensive about the experience of waiting for my car to be inspected, if not for the fact that the book store across the street had recently closed.

I made my way to the counter and explained that I needed my car inspected, the man behind the counter took my keys and told me that it would be an hour to an hour and half. Upon hearing this my brain began to contemplate a new plan for how to bide my time while my car was being poked and prodded like a model on one of those awful reality shows. Thankfully they would likely show more respect to my car’s feelings than the judges on those shows usually show to the fragile young models.

“An hour or and hour and a half?” I inquired of the clerk.

“I don’t know maybe an hour, maybe an hour and a half,” he said.

He hadn’t really clarified his initial statements, but my plan had crystallized into focus.

“Alright, well I am going to go to the movies across the street. I will have to turn my phone off, so when the car is done just leave a voice mail.”

I had given the clerk far more information than he needed, but I was essentially confirming to myself that this was indeed the course of action I was going to be taking. At least I had not told him how I had been meaning to go to the new theater across the street for some time and was glad to finally get the chance to do so. Instead of giving the clerk that superfluous bit of information, I instead chose to give it to you instead. You are welcome.

Roger Ebert had reviewed the movie Zombieland in the morning paper and given it three stars. I was somewhat skeptical that it was possible for someone to make another zombie movie that I would actually enjoy. In recent years 28 Days Later and Shaun of the Dead seemed to have taken Zombie movies as far as they could go. The movie likely could not be funnier than Shaun of the Dead or as well done as 28 Days Later. Ebert somewhat allayed my fears by mentioning his own skepticism of seeing yet another zombie movie. It was either Zombieland or the Invention of Lying with Ricky Gervais. The Gervais’ movie had also received positive reviews and I am a fan of Gervais, but in the end I decided to go with Zombieland. I look forward to a what will probably be a wonderful comedy bit by Gervais about how movie goers ended up choosing to see a movie about Zombies over his movie. Maybe he will point out how America’s obsessive-eating habits make us zombie sympathizers. He has previously made mention of America’s zest for overeating in recent stand up routines.

I can say without exaggeration that I have not had as much fun at a movie theater in the last ten years as I had watching Zombieland. I am usually reluctant to go solo to a movie, but I am glad I made an exception. Zombieland is a great experience right from the start of the movie, all the way until the end. It is equal parts hilarity and ass-kicking zombie movie. Since it was a matinee there were maybe only twenty people in the theater, but it was obvious that everyone in the theater was having a good time.

Woody Harrelson continues to be an undervalued actor. I would complain about how people should give him more credit, but I tend to be one of those people who does not immediately think of him when I think of my favorite actors or actresses. In addition to Zombieland, Woody was also great in The People Vs. Larry Flint, Natural Born Killers and No Country for Old Men. He is one of the few actors in Hollywood today who can pull off comedy, action, drama or a combination of both.

Jesse Eisenberg, who was previously seen in Adventureland, is effective as a likeable, shy loner. Harrelson and Eisenberg are essentially Don Quixote and Sancho Panza as Eisenberg notes to the sisters, who eventually join them as they travel across the country leaving a trail of dead zombies in their wake. The sisters are played by Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin. Eisenberg reminds me of a more subdued Michael Cera, which I was not sure was possible. Like Cera in Superbad and Arrested Development, Eisenberg’s understated performances have worked so far, but it will be interesting to see if either can play more than the one note they have shown so far.

Emma Stone seems like a younger Lindsey Lohan. Maybe not Lindsey Lohan when she was younger as she was more curvaceous than Stone, but she looks a bit like her and also has a raspy voice. A quick look at imdb.com shows that Lohan is about two years older than Stone, although sadly she looks about ten or fifteen years older than her.

My only regret is that I read Ebert’s review that morning. He did a good job in explaining why it was a movie worth seeing, but he spoiled the surprise cameo. It was still a great cameo, but I have to believe it would have been even better if I had not known who the actor was in advance. Ebert is like a trusted-old friend, even though I do not always agree with his opinions about movies, I can usually get a good sense of whether I will enjoy a movie based on his review of it. He is not in good health these days, so I will not get too angry about his unnecessary spoiler alert.

I headed back to the auto repair shop to find the clerk on the phone. He stayed on the phone for the entire transaction, in which I paid for the inspection and signed the form which stated the car had passed the necessary tests required by the state of New York to continue to legally access its roads. I had turned my phone back on after leaving the theater, but I saw no evidence of any message from the clerk. When I got home I received an alert showing I had a voice mail. I checked the message and heard the following:

“Yeah I’m calling about the 99 Mitsubishi Galant. It passed inspection, but the rear tire is a little low and it needs new wiper blades.”

Maybe Tyra Banks or the clerk at the auto repair shop did not appreciate my car, and even though her rear is sagging a bit and her wipers have seen better days, I hope she and Roger Ebert are around for years to come.

Postscript: To be clear I was referring to my car’s rear sagging and her wipers sagging as a metaphor to women who would likely be laughed off the stage at shows such as America’s Top Model, but that I would be glad perfectly happy to take home with me. In no way was I referring to Tyra Banks’ weight or appearance as I’m sure she would likely still pass an inspection based on her physical appearance. The problem would likely be when they went under the hood. Alright I think it is time to end this post and that metaphor as it sounds like I am saying something entirely different than I meant. When I said under the hood, what I meant was that she seems a bit nutty not that she has any issues anatomically speaking. This post will now end as many of my dates have over the years, on an awkward note.

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I know it sounds crazy. I pointed it out to a few people who agreed that it had the same outline and structure of a catfish, but no one believed that it was actually a catfish. I made my case to the skeptical neighbors sitting in my pew.

“I know it seems strange to have a picture of the Last Supper at the front of the church and a stuffed catfish on the balcony, but maybe some people choose to look to the front to worship Jesus and some people choose to pray to the catfish.”

They got a chuckle out of it, but soon dismissed my theory. Is it so crazy though to worship a catfish? I don’t know. People believe all sorts of things that seem crazy to non-believers. Maybe it is just a depiction of a lesser known miracle Jesus created. He could have taken one catfish and some how deep-fried a delicious catfish dinner for a large sum of people. He was known for being able to feed large groups of people with a small amount of food.

I was told it was a Baptist Church. I don’t know much about the Baptist Church, except I think that they do not believe in Transubstantiation like the Catholics do. So if the Catfish miracle was a part of their teachings they would not likely believe that they were eating the body of Christ every time they ate Catfish at a Church function.

There are others theories on the origins of the Catfish in the Church. Catfish Jesus scholars, of which I am currently the only one, believe it is possible that the Catfish is symbolic of the Devil, much like some believe a snake is a symbol of the Devil. First it is extremely strange-looking. I mean look at a catfish sometime it has big Salavdor Dali-esque whiskers.

People often associate strange-looking animals as symbols of evil, and docile cuter animals as being sent by God. Pigs and Cows are the most often to be revered. Second think of some of the other names for catfish; hornpout, bullhead, Dali-fish. Alright I made up the last one, but they do resemble Salvador Dali, the famous painter. (See picture above). Take the name hornpout in particular, the Devil is usually depicted as having horns and the hornpout or catfish also has horns. Hardly seems coincidental if you ask me.

What about goats they have horns, you say?

Surely you can’t be serious. Goats are sort of cute so they cannot be symbols of the Devil. If they were they would likely have a name like Devil-sheep. If they were called Devil-sheep I would agree that your question had merit, but since they are not I will dismiss it outright with no further thought.

Where were we? Oh yes. hornpout as the Devil. I see why some would think that. It makes sense. Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don’t know. Putting a representation of the Devil in the back of the Church makes some sense I suppose. I think from my years of experience the fish more likely to be a symbol of the Devil would be a Bluefish. Those things are nasty and seem to have been created by the Devil himself in an attempt to get novice fisherman to get their fingers bitten off.

Sure catfish have been known to sting people. My dad was stung by one once. A lady passerby instructed him to rub the catfish feces on the wound. Without going into to much detail let’s just say that was the wrong thing to do. Maybe you think this means the catfish and the lady were sent there by the devil to trick my father into being stung and have his wound infected by catfish guano, but I think that sounds far-fetched.

The catfish is it just a simple fish that is fun to catch and extremely cheap or is it more than that? Is it perhaps a symbol of God or the Devil? Maybe it was on the wall in the church because catfish and Baptists are popular in the South. Sure this was a church in Massachusetts so it is likely if it were that simple it would have been replaced by a fish more common in the region such as a cod. Perhaps I need prescription glasses and everyone else was right when they said it was not a catfish on the wall below the balcony. Either way I prefer to live in a world where a man can worship a catfish or a grilled cheese sandwich if he chooses. The only thing we know for sure is not to rub its crap on you if it stings you. Seriously that is a really bad idea. Why would anyone believe that was true.

Postscript: I’m sure it is possible someone will read this and be outraged that I wrote about a catfish as possibly being the Lord and savior. Let me just say that I wrote this a few days after the wedding and not after consuming numerous alcoholic beverages at the wedding reception. Also let me say that it was not my intention to offend anyone or to create a new religion that worships catfish. If the former happens I am sorry. If the latter happens well it would probably be strange because the religion would likely see me as some sort of prophet, but I guess it would make for a good story.

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Much to the delight of Gus and especially Karin, Lars knocks on their door and tells them how he met a woman. He tells them he would like them to make a room for her in the main house because they are Christians and they are not married. Karin is more than happy to oblige. Their initial excitement and relief over learning of Lars’ new girlfriend turns to absolute befuddlement when they meet Bianca. Bianca is not a real girl at all she is what is called a real doll, a doll who is built anatomically correct for the specific purpose of sexual intercourse. If this was a Seth Rogen, Kevin Smith or the Farrelly brothers film it would have taken a much different route from here on out. It would have been funny, but it would have been filled with gross out humor and all sorts of sex, both innuendo and possibly real, or as real as it can get between a man and a sex doll. Instead this film is plays it fairly straight.

Gus is concerned and wonders if Lars needs mental help. He does not want to go along with the charade surrounding Lars and Bianca’s relationship, but decides to on the advice of Karin and Bianca’s doctor Dagmar, played by Patricia Clarkson. Lars believes that Bianca has health problems and needs to go see the doctor, but it is a ruse in order to get Lars to seek weekly treatments. At this point the viewer could have had the same reaction as Gus does initially. In my case I had nothing better to do and had Dvr’d the movie so I was willing to allow a little creative license. Gus cared about his brother and thus also decided to go along with pretending the relationship was real. Soon the whole town is interacting with Bianca. She is working at a store at the mall as a model, aka mannequin. She is volunteering at the local hospital. It is not said implicitly, but I believe she was likely used for cpr practice. She gets her hair done at the local salon and does all sorts of other activities throughout town. If it was a major studio movie it probably would have focused on all these activities of Bianca’s but instead the movie focuses on Lars and his relationship with Bianca and by proxy his relationship with the townspeople, particularly Margo.

Lars and the Real Girl is an independent film. There is no getting past that. Sometimes after seeing an enjoyable independent film I will wonder why such movies could not be released, marketed and ultimately in the end enjoyed by a mass audience. Never in the course of watching this film did that thought cross my mind. Well it did briefly, but only because I thought to myself how the audience likely to enjoy this film was a small niche. I would like to believe that if they went along wholeheartedly with the premise most people would find it enjoyable on some level, but that is not likely true. Some people just would not enjoy this sort of film, but that is alright. It is nice to know that there are filmmakers out there who are happy trying to make a good film that will be liked by a small niche, rather than attempting to make one that tries to be everything to everyone and ends up failing to please anyone.

A few movies come to mind when I think of this film. The First film that comes to mind is Castaway with Tom Hanks. Hanks has a relationship with Wilson the volleyball. Like Hank’s relationship with Wilson, Bianca and Lars’ relationship appears to be mainly platonic, although they were both awfully lonely men so it is not too difficult to imagine that there are a few deleted scenes floating around on the Dvds of these movies. Surely Hanks wishes one of those FedEx boxes contained a Real Doll instead of a volleyball.

Truman Show also has some similarities to this film. In Truman Show, Jim Carrey’s character is oblivious to the fact that the entire town is filled with actors and he is an unwitting participant in a large scripted reality show. In Lars, the town is going along with his relationship with a doll out of affection for a man who, despite having problems, is a kind and decent man. In both stories their manufactured relationships, pun intended, (Yeah I know that is a bad joke, but I could not resist.) eventually end, and in each movie there is a real woman who appreciates the real man.

There was a movie in the eighties called Mannequin which is obviously analogous to this film. In Mannequin the doll would come to life for the protagonist only. No one else could see her. She was flesh and blood for him, but to everyone else she was a Mannequin and not anatomically correct. Although Lars believes she is real it is made clear that this only a delusion. She does not appear as a real actress when he interacts with her.

In a big budget version of this film she would likely transform into Megan Fox when Lars interacts with her, or perhaps it would be Megan Fox playing her the entire time. Sure that could have its advantages, it seems Michael Bay already thinks of Megan Fox as his real doll for Transformers, but they focus on the relationships in this film instead. Also I imagine the character of Margo might have been cast with a statuesque beauty such as Odette Yustman or Amber Heard. I saw them both in movies recently and while I found it enjoyable to watch them, I think the movie was much better served with Kelli Garner as Margo. She did a good job portraying a lonely, slightly nerdy but subtly pretty woman. If she had looked like a model it would have been hard to believe that she could not have found someone more suitable than the emotionally stunted Lars. (After writing this post I saw a few photos of Garner and she is actually more attractive than I initially thought. The point still holds true. They did a good job of making her appear nerdy, but subtlety pretty. It was not one of those cases where she wore glasses to make her look more plain.) The entire cast was effective, but subtle. Gosling most likely did not get the sort of critical acclaim for this film as he did for Half Nelson, which is another indie film which is worth watching if you enjoy that sort of thing. He plays an inner city teacher who is also a junkie. (Actually he was nominated for a Golden Globe for this film.)

I can envision a scenario where I could have watched this film and despised it. The town and everyone in it is too nice to be realistic, sure there are probably people who imagine their town is like that, but it is not. Most movies would have had at least one character who is a total douche. There are no hooligans who steal Bianca to vandalize or commit lewd acts with her. No one beats Lars up or teases him incessantly about Bianca. A few people make subtle jokes that Lars doesn’t pick up on, but that is about the extent of it. Gus lashes out at Lars once about Bianca, but after Lars ignores him he agrees to humor his brother. It would have been easy to make Gus or someone else the bad guy in order to serve as a foil to the innocent, clueless Lars. Gosling could have hammed it up the entire time or the director could have gone for cheap laughs at Lars’ expense. Instead they chose to tell a simple story about love, loss and the importance of human connection. Sure I would see a gross out comedy about the same subject, but it is also refreshing to know that there is a place for a movie like Lars and the Real Girl as well.

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Most Red Sox fans began to believe that they would never witness their beloved team win the World Series. After not winning a World Series in almost a century the Red Sox have won two in the last five years. Most of us Sox fans insisted that the first win would be enough to satisfy us for years to come. At the very least Sox management would get a free pass for a decade or so we said. Well it has been two years since our last championship and already Sox fans are miserable again.

A perfect example of this is the Boston Sports Guy himself, Bill Simmons. Simmons wrote a book called “Now I Can Die In Peace” after the Sox won the World Series in 2004. Well Simmons is now Twittering on a daily basis about how dissatisfied he is with the current Red Sox team. Here is one of his latest Tweets:

Buster O. thinks Sox will stand pat: “Like the Cubs in this way: Guys playing for them now simply must perform better.” I am ready for NFL

Well I guess it is understandable since the Sox have no chance of making the playoffs this year. Oh that’s right they are actually leading the wild card and only two games behind the Yankees for the division. Also they lead the division for almost the entire first half. I have been extremely frustrated with the Sox as well lately so I am not trying to single Simmons out. I think he speaks for a large portion of us Sox fans who have grown spoiled by the Sox recent success. The best comparison I can think of is Leonardo Dicaprio.

Leo can basically have any woman he wants. When he meets a new beautiful woman I’m sure he convinces himself that this time it will be different. Take for example Giselle Bundchen. Leo dated her and many considered her the most beautiful woman in the world. After dating her for a bit Leo set his sights on Bar Rafaeli, another supermodel. He could have considered himself lucky for being able to land a supermodel, but he felt compelled to date the most attractive one. So he began dating Rafaeli. I actually agree that Rafaeli is far more attractive than Giselle, but that really isn’t the point. If you are always obsessed with upgrading than you will never be happy. I know people like this with cars or computers. They buy one and it will make them happy initially, but soon after the purchase they see a new model that they wish they had bought instead.

The Red Sox fans are like this now. We are not content with the fact that we are one of the best organizations in baseball and can contend every year for the playoffs with a good chance of winning the championship. We have to be the best every year or we are not happy. Here is another recent Tweet from Simmons or Sportguy33 as he is known on Twitter:

Sox declined “to trade Buchholz for Victor Martinez.” I will now peel the skin off my body.

I know I said I wasn’t singling him out, I’m not although I’m sure it seems that way. The point is that I feel the same way he does and it drives me crazy. I realize that I need to get a life and not obsess about the Red Sox so much, but I have yet to be able to do so. I wish I had Leo’s problem instead of mine and I bet Kansas City Royal fans wish they had my problem, such is life.

Another story I heard today about a celebrity who is in a relationship with a supermodel.

Andy Roddick recently married Sports Illustrated supermodel Brooklyn Decker. Brooklyn is extremely beautiful and seems to be a sports fan from the few interviews I have seen her do. As a sports fan it is easy to be envious of Roddick, obviously for more reasons than his new wife’s interest in sports. Roddick unlike Leo decided that instead of waiting around for someone better than Brooklyn he would marry her instead.

If that was the end of the story it would be easy for me to say that Sox fans should be more like Roddick, but it is not the end. During the interview Decker revealed that she was introduced to Roddick at his agent’s request. Roddick was looking at a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and like millions of men liked what he saw in Brooklyn Decker. Unlike millions of other men Roddick told his agent to get in touch with Decker’s people and arrange a date. She says after five months she finally agreed to date him. She said it is unfortunate that this sort of thing happens often to models. A celebrity contacts them to try to arrange a meeting after seeing their photos. In this case Roddick was rewarded for this behavior and ultimately she married him. If he was a regular guy who continued to hound her for a meeting he would likely have been accused of being a stalker. Of course Roddick is one of the better tennis players in the world, not a UPS guy so it worked out for him in the end.

Like the Kansas City Royals fan who laments the Red Sox fan and his plight and wishes he could swap his woes for that of the Sox fan.  I would like to think if I was a celebrity and was going to have my agent contact someone for me it would have to be for more than just that her photos in a bikini were hot. Certainly that would help, but it couldn’t be the only criteria. Maybe if I really respected her work as an actress or she seemed to be a thoughtful, intelligent person such as Natalie Portman. Perhaps if she was a beautiful female athlete like Natalie Gulbis, Paula Creamer or Danica Patrick whom I respected for her accomplishments as well as her looks, I would have my agent contact her.

One more Sportsguy Tweet before we go:

This Red Sox season is like Tim Hutton’s girlfriend in “Beautiful Girls” - a solid & uninspirational 7.5 in every category.

What is wrong with a 7.5? I guess if you are used to dating supermodels a 7.5 is bad, but most guys would be happy with a 7.5 just as most baseball fans would be thrilled if their team was in contention to make the playoffs. Seriously Tim Hutton’s character began flirting with Natalie Portman in that movie because he was bored with his girlfriend. Sure if it was Natalie Portman now it would be a no-brainer. She is beautiful, intelligent and seems to be down to earth. The problem is in the movie she was about 12 years old. Regardless of whether Hutton was inspired by his girlfriend or not, he should not have even thought twice about doing anything about his feelings of inspiration for Portman’s character.

Back to Simmon’s Tweet about peeling his skin off because the Sox did not trade Clay Buchholz for Victor Martinez. Maybe if we trade Buchholz we will look back on the deal with regret if he ends up being Natalie Portman circa 2009, but he seems to be emotionally fragile so there is just as much chance he could become Lindsay Lohan circa 2009. Victor Martinez is maybe not Bar Rafaeli, but he is at least Giselle Bundchen and as Tom Brady would tell you if you have a chance to trade for Giselle Bundchen you make that trade every time and worry about the consequences later.

Instead the Red Sox insist on making trades for solid guys who are likely less than 7.5s like Adam LaRoche and us spoiled Sox fans continue to lament how we wish we could get Victor Martinez or Roy Halladay instead of appreciating our solid 7.5 team.

Last I heard Leo dumped Bar Rafaeli effectively making her a free agent. Now you would think Andy Roddick would be happy that he is married to Brooklyn Decker, but there is probably some part of him that wonders if he would have been able to land Bar Rafaeli if he was still single. He probably wouldn’t have been able to and is probably better off with what he has now.

I believe I would behave differently if I was in Leo or Roddick’s shoes, but truthfully you never really know how you would behave until it actually happens. Theo Epstein seems to lean more on the side of Andy Roddick than Leo. Sure he might read FanGraphs or Baseball Prospectus and fantasize about what life would be like if he landed Martinez or Halladay. Instead he realizes that the Sox have the best of both worlds. They are competitive now and have prospects for the future. Sure they may not be the most exciting team in the world, but there are worse things in the world than being a 7.5.

Full Disclosure: The Sox are trying to build their farm system and stay competitive at the same time which is difficult to do. They probably are resisting trading for Martinez because although he is a great hitter, he is a catcher in his early thirties and will likely be transitioning to 1b or DH in the near future. If it was Joe Mauer the Sox would likely have traded Buchholz without even thinking twice. Mauer is really the guy the Sox executives have truly been drooling over. He will be a free agent in two years. The problem is that he is not currently available and if he becomes a free agent in two years, Leo, I mean the Yankees will likely outbid us for him as they also could use a great young catcher. The difference is the Yankees could conceivably trade for Martinez and then in two years move him to DH and still sign Mauer. Also Leo DiCaprio is a Yankee fan for what that is worth. Ben Afflec, a Red Sox fan, locked up Jennifer Garner to a long-term contract. Sure compared to some of the women DiCaprio has dated she may be a solid 7.5, but Afflec has dated Jennifer Lopez in the past so he is probably more than happy to have a solid 7.5. That is sort of the way the Sox look at things post Manny. They are very careful about locking up anything, but a sure thing to a long-term deal.

I am also a huge Bill Simmons fan just wanted to make that clear. I am just as spoiled as he is when it comes to the Sox. Well except I did not make tons of money selling a book about them so I probably have more reason to be bitter than he does.

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My favorite part of Twitter so far are the different tags that become trends. The first one that I followed was 1stdraftmovielines. I did not participate in it, but found it really amusing. The tag was pretty self explanatory. Take a real quote from a movie and change it slightly so that either it does not work or is laughably different than the initial quote. It was interesting to see tweets from professional writers, comedians and regular folk as well.

I find it inspirational to be a part of these trends on Twitter. After observing the 1stdraftmovielines trend, I decided to participate with the next one which was failedwesterns. Another simple premise, just take the title of a Western movie and change it slightly to one that would be a failure or if you preferred you could just think up your own that would likely fail. Most chose to tinker slightly with actual titles.

A Tweet that I came up with for the failedwestern tag was The Assassination of Uncle Jesse by the Coward Robert Saget. I later saw a similar one when I did a Twitter search only it was the coward Kimmy Gibler instead of Robert Saget. That Tweet preceded mine. I had not seen that one so it hadn’t influenced my Tweet, but I actually preferred mine. Obviously Bob Saget’s character Danny Tanner had a seething hatred for Jesse played by John Stamos. Jesse was married to Becky played by the lovely Lori Laughlin. Becky was the co-host of a morning show with Danny and he obviously had a thing for her.  Danny had no shot with Becky as Jesse was not only more handsome than Danny, he was also far cooler than him. He was the leader of a band called Jesse and the Rippers and when he wasn’t performing with the band or writing commercial jingles he spent the rest of his time grooming his perfect hair. Really Danny had no shot at competing with Jesse for Becky nor did he likely stand a chance in a man to man battle with Jesse so he instead chose to kill him like a coward.

A Full House post not about the Olsen Twins or how the show was a precursor to the debate about same sex parenting was made possible by my use of Twitter. I don’t know if I am encouraged by that or slightly alarmed by how much I remember about a show that I always hated.

I have even been inspired by Twitter to come up with my own tag in the hopes that it can become the next trend. It is unlikely it will since I don’t have many followers, but that is not the point. The tag for this new idea is importfail. The idea came to me after watching the Red Sox play the Blue Jays in Toronto. A sign behind home plate said Bud Light Lime now available in Canada. It seemed to me that all of the advertisements for Bud Light Lime showed people frolicking on the beach in skimpy outfits drinking. I don’t think Canada is a natural fit for Bud Light Lime and they may have made a mistake marketing it there. While you may disagree with my premise that Bud Light Lime in Canada is an import fail I would be interested to hear an idea you think would be an importfail. If you have one just log in to Twitter and post it with the country then the import followed by the tag #importfail. For example, Canada: Sonic Drive-in the girls will bring your order to the car on ice skates instead of rollerskates #importfail.

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One idea that I thought of was to buy thousands of pairs of gloves and cases of glitter and assemble gloves resembling the one worn by Michael Jackson. It seemed like a good idea. Maybe it was a little opportunistic and slightly sleazy, but I am desperate to get rich so I went about it anyway.

The first problem I came upon was that Michael only wore one glove. but I set about calling up various glove manufacturers to see if I could get a discount if I bought a large quantity of left-handed gloves. It was shocking to hear the level of venom that was spewed by the glove companies over what I thought to be a reasonable request.

I was perplexed. How did Michael manage to purchase a single glove for all these years? I was pretty sure he did not switch hands every other day for frugality’s sake. Well he was famously terrible with money. He bought extravagant things that he could not afford so it is possible that he would buy a pair of gloves, keep one and throw out the mate. I know to regular people like you and me that sounds wasteful, but celebrities don’t think that way or at least they didn’t in the 1980’s. I believe Hugh Hefner used to do the same thing back in the 80’s. He would invite a playmate or a famous starlet and her mate to a party and then he would throw out the mate. (Drum roll)

Unfortunately I was unable to come to an agreement with any glove manufacturer on single gloves and would instead have to buy them in pairs. I planned to use the one glove to be sold as a Michael Jackson glove and I would have to figure out something to do with the other one later. Maybe it could be sold in the discount bin as irregular or maybe there were more people like me who did not remember which hand Michael wore his glove on. Either way one thing was certain millions of people would soon be walking the streets with one glove on. At first it would be symbolic of their feelings of loss for Michael Jackson and then they would get used to the glove and much like the feeling one gets with a Lance Armstrong bracelet or a watch if you wear it for long enough you begin to feel naked without it.

I knew I should get started on the gloves, but when I started getting the shipments of gloves I was a little overwhelmed. Instead of coming up with a plan to mass produce all of these gloves I bought I instead became obsessed with coming up with a plan for what to do with the other gloves.

I thought of donating the spare glove to the homeless. For a brief moment I was proud of myself. It was a win-win. I could get rid of the gloves and maybe get a tax write off and the homeless would have a glove to help keep warm.

As I started to work on the gloves I had this awful feeling that my plan was flawed in some way, but try as I might to find this flaw in my design I could not. It took me way longer than I anticipated to make these gloves, maybe that was it.

As I was finishing up the 100th glove I decided to take a break and watch some television to relax. There was not much on so I decided to watch an old Seinfeld episode. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, the muffin top episode. That was what I was trying to remember. Elaine tried to give the bottoms of the muffins to the homeless shelter, but the lady was offended. The homeless did not want to eat the muffin bottoms sans the top. Which reminded me of this girl from college. She had a muffin top, but in spite of or possibly because of it I still found her to be incredibly attractive. I guess that is the moral of the story, people like muffin tops. No that is definitely not it actually in the case of women that was the one time I found it pleasing, but really in hindsight she probably would have been more attractive sans muffin top. I apologize for getting off track and for using the word sans twice in one paragraph.

Anyway my point is I can imagine they would not like to receive one glove without a mate. That would probably be awfully depressing. Living out on the street with only one glove by yourself without a mate for you or your glove. It’s heartbreaking, really if you think about it.

Note to self: remember to write Christmas special for the Hallmark Channel based on this idea.

In the Seinfeld episode they eventually give away the puffy pirate shirts to the homeless. This was quite comical on the show. The thought never crossed my mind to glitter both gloves and give the Jackson glove to the homeless, although it would have made for a great ending to a Seinfeld show to have the homeless wearing a Michael Jackson glittery glove. As funny as the image may be in abstract. In reality it would be horrible publicity for my new product.

I managed to table the spare glove problem for a later time. The most important part of any new product is marketing. I had just the plan. I had just seen a promo for a new show with Billy Mays, the enthusiastic pitchman for products such as the big city slider. If I could get Billy Mays to pitch my show that would solve all of my problems. Billy Mays could probably even sell the wrong-handed Michael Jackson glove he is such a good salesman. For those of you who thought that was a shot at left-handed people it was not. Sure they are the work of the devil, but in this case I believed it was the left-hand Jackson wore his glove on and I was referring to a right-handed glove as being wrong-handed.

As I later learned it was the right hand that Jackson wore his glove on, so it was not a misnomer to call the left hand wrong-handed. Of course I also later heard the news about Billy Mays passing away.

As I sit here and reflect on another failure in my quest to become rich I am somewhat disheartened. I thought it was a can’t miss get rich quick scheme. Sure it sounds negative when you put it that way, but really a scheme is just a strategy I’m not sure when a negative connotation was given to the word scheme. Well maybe it is not always used in that manner. Sure there are paint schemes or floral schemes and people don’t think of those as negative, but when placed after get rich quick it has a negative connotation. Nobody asks what kind of crazy get paint on the wall scheme you are going to come up with next. When Bill Gates made billions selling Windows, people didn’t chastise him for his get rich quick scheme. Really that phrase is usually only used when the scheme fails. I don’t accept that and I will continue to use it to describe my quest for riches.

I was pleased when I was walking down the street today to see that no one was wearing a Michael Jackson glove. Sure it was upsetting to know that I could have provided that glove to them if I had better planned my strategy. In hindsight it is easy to criticize. I know I could have probably done a Google Image search and checked which hand he wore the glove on. My depression over not seeing anyone wearing the glove was soon gone after I realized that no one was wearing the glove. That means I was the only one clever enough to come up with the idea, which also means that I probably have a few more clever ideas were that came from.

Alternate Ending: This was originally conceived as a piece about an alternative to Twitter, but I thought of a quick joke about a failed attempt to sell Michael Jackson gloves. One thing led to another and the whole story ended up being about the glove, so in essence the story ended up with an alternate ending rather than one about my Twitter-like site. Also instead of the brief post I planned to write, I wrote in excess of 1500 words including the alternate ending notes. Sadly this does not include my sincere notes of apology concerning the use of Michael Jackson and Billy Mays in my hypothetical get rich quick scheme, which failed to make the final cut of this post. I apologize for their omission, but really the post was getting far too long and it was either cut the apologies or cut the anecdote about the girl from college with the muffin top.

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As a young boy I was a huge fan of Michael Jackson around the time the Thriller album came out in 1984. The album and Jackson were a worldwide phenomenon.

As a six or seven year old I was a fan of his music and of course the moon walk. I used to want to know everything there was to know about Jackson. I was too young to understand much about his personal life at that age, well I guess I still don’t quite understand any better twenty five years later. I just thought he was the coolest guy ever.

I remember him going to the Grammies with Brooke Shields on his arm. I did not know much at that age, but even I knew Brooke Shields was gorgeous. I used to hear people talk about Miss America all the time and I always thought they were referring to Brooke whenever they mentioned Miss America. Of course Michael also brought Emanuel Lewis to that same award show carrying him in. It did not strike me as odd at the time as he used to be in Burger King advertisements with him.

I remember hearing taunts from my sister’s boyfriend and others. The song they would sing was I pledge allegiance to the flag, Michael Jackson is a fag. I would defend him and tell them that he was not. I didn’t really know what a fag was but I didn’t think Brooke Shields would date one.

In hindsight if Michael had been a homosexual it would have been a lot better for him then what he has since been accused of being in recent years. Well at the time it probably would have been terrible for him. There was not much mainstream sentiment for tolerance toward that sort of lifestyle. If he had been interested in adult men instead of what he allegedly preferred he may have been able to be a pioneer. Again it may have been difficult, but Elton John, although the butt of many jokes over the years, has maintained a great deal of success over the years, despite and in some cases likely because of his homosexuality. Really that is a moot point because there was never any mention of him having a relationship with an adult male of any kind.

Being someone who finds humor in just about anything all sorts of jokes spring to mind, but really his life is more tragedy than comedy. Like another childhood hero of mine, Roger Clemens, his life has taken on an increasingly bizarre tone in recent years. Considering the recent history of Michael Jackson if I had not already heard that he had died I would have thought the Dateline special about him tonight was for a completely different reason. It still does seem strange to have a Dateline special that will likely celebrate Michael Jackson. As with Clemens and other celebrities over the years I have grown accustomed to separating my feelings about him from when I was a kid with how I feel about him now. It is somewhat easier with Jackson as he does not even look like the same person.

It is a story of a man who had so much success at a young age and never managed to mature into a man comfortable with himself or the spotlight, which is surprising when you consider how comfortable he seemed in the spotlight as a kid. I used to watch old footage of him performing with the Jackson Five. He looked nothing like the man lying in the back of the ambulance today. He was young and full of life. He seemed to be on top of the world when he was on stage and he always had a big smile on his face as he performed. Somewhere along the line he lost that sense of wonder. He did not like what he saw when he looked in the mirror even though I’m sure he could have found many women, or men if that is what he was interested in, who would have found him attractive. Somehow he convinced himself that he needed to have numerous surgeries that eventually made him look like some kind of alien. He was a pale white man who did not have a nose. He had become an international laughingstock. No longer famous for his immense talents, but instead for his freakish appearance and inexplicable behavior.

It is difficult to reconcile the image I have in my mind of the young talented Jackson with the man in the back of that ambulance. Really he should have been the young man from the Thriller video flirting with a beautiful girl. I like to think that in some alternate universe Michael Jackson was that guy. Instead he warned her to go away. He sang about how Billie Jean was not his love and sadly we know there was not much likelihood that she was his love. He did not have much of a childhood or teen years, and he insisted that is why he liked hanging out with young boys. No one really believes any of that of course.

I wish the alternate universe Michael Jackson had existed. Maybe he wouldn’t have dated that beautiful girl from the Thriller video or Brooke Shields, but at least he could have been less of a disaster as an adult. I imagine that millions of other people who grew up fans of Michael Jackson are as conflicted as I am. I wish I was able to mourn the loss of a childhood hero of mine, but alas he has been gone for a long time.

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In these new dreams I have, I am Eli, aka Paul Dano, from the There Will Be Blood. I believe that I have the commercial property rights to the Jesus Twitter account and that I will be rewarded handsomely for these rights, either through advertisements or merchandising. When I go to collect what I believe I have rightfully earned, I am greeted by Daniel Plainview, aka Daniel Day Lewis. Yes I know it is not logical, but it is a dream so just go with it.

Plainview explains that he has already capitalized on my Jesus Twitter account and does not need to buy the account from me. After a long animated monologue he agrees to buy the account from me if I promise to go on Twitter and tell my followers that I am a false prophet. I find it a bit odd since I am pretty sure no one actually thinks I am a prophet, but he is willing to pay a hefty fee for this account so I figure what could it hurt.

Twitter: I AM A FALSE PROPHET!

“What are you nuts old man? You did not seriously just throw a bowling ball at me.”

Twitter: OMG This crazy old SOB is throwing bowling balls at me. Now he just picked up a pin. BRB.

Post Script: I have been telling my brother for some time that he needs to watch There Will Be Blood. He is almost always working so he does not have much free time. When he does have free time to watch movies he inevitably falls asleep within the first half hour to hour of the movie. I was present when he had finally given up on watching the full movie.

“This movie is really boring. I can never make it through the whole thing no matter how hard I try. I don’t see why people make such big deal about this movie.”

“You can’t even make it through a whole South Park episode and you are a fan of that show.”

“I don’t even think there is one scene worthy of watching.”

“What about the bowling alley scene.”

“I just started to watch that scene, but it looked boring. Alright I will watch it now.”

After watching it he said he thought the scene was decent, but did not justify having to sit through the other two and a half hours of the movie. I could not really disagree more. I think There Will Be Blood is every bit as good as Boogie Nights, also directed by Paul Thomas Anderson. It is obviously a vastly different film and if forced to pick one I would still probably choose Boogie Nights.

I will admit that Anderson made a mistake in not having Heather Graham reprise her role as roller girl in this film. Sure it may not have made any sense having her in the movie and many critics would have been outraged if he had written her into the movie, but I think in the end it would have grossed much more at the box office and really that is all that the studios care about. Well that is not entirely true they also care about dvd and Blu-Ray sales, which I’m sure would have received a significant bump with the inclusion of roller girl. Yes I am sure about that I saw Heather Graham on some talk show promoting her new movie the Hangover and she appears to still be in good enough shape to lace up her roller skates again. She is now thirty nine years old, but she looks like she has not aged much at all. I am still disappointed that she did not make the final cut for There Will Be Blood, but my fingers are crossed that she will be in Boogie Nights 2: Electric Boogaloo.

That reminds me I was just discussing with my brother how there are rumors that the makers of Scream are coming out with Scream 4. I told my brother they should call it Scream 4: Back 4 More Cash. Back For More Cash is the title of a book by Tony Kornheiser. My brother and I both agreed that we would watch Scream 4 even though we hated the third film. So really they will make serious money regardless of the film’s quality and the title would be appropriate considering they always mention in the Scream movies what each film in a horror trilogy is about. What made the Scream movies effective was that they were self-aware. The worked as both a horror movie and a satire of horror. This series was originally supposed to be a trilogy. Everyone knows the fourth film in any series is strictly about the cash. So they might as well admit it. Either way I will watch it and so will everyone else who watched the first three films.

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