Anywho, how about we reach deep into the ole sack-o-hate and see what’s up:

To: badadviceforgoodpeople@gmail.com
From: xxx@xxx.xxx
Subject: Missogynist

Dear HateMonger

You are a vile piece of scum and hate women. I truly hope that you one day see the truth in your own trash sight and stop hating women. I hope your mom is proud

- EW, Chicago

You know what EW, my mother actually is VERY proud of me because I’ve chosen to follow my dream and make this thing work. Now that we’re done here, let’s talk about you for a second.

You are either some woman who thinks that “Women’s Lib” somehow means burning bras is an ok symbol of.. I really don’t know, honestly. Either that, or you’re some basement-dwelling Internet White Knight who, frankly, couldn’t get laid with Brad Pitt’s dick and Angelina Jolie’s lips. That said, you’re still going to rush out and defend every woman on the planet from horrible, terrible, HONEST people like me.

That’s right EW. I’m honest. I’m also blunt, crass, forward, and -generally- better than most of the people I come into contact with. What I’m not, however, is a “misogynist,” which is what you completely grammaraped in your email. You see, to be a “misogynist,” I’d have to hate women. Lucky for them, I don’t hate them. I love them, all of them, especially the ones who do that thing with their tongues and the pinky? Yeah, THAT thing. Well,except you have no fucking clue what I’m talking about EW.. but trust me, it’s hot. Wait. Oh yeah, so no.. I don’t hate women. In fact, I’m married to a women (imagine my joy.. -ed) and, honestly, it’s incredible. Don’t let her stories fool you; the fact that we’re still married after a bar-bet is pure coincidence and has little to with the the thousand bucks I’m trying to win.

You see, EW, what I am is actually a humorist. I write stupid crap that makes people laugh. It’s really that simple. They understand that what I write is humor and it’s not meant to be taken seriously. You would do well to learn from them. In fact, YOU might even develop a sense of humor and, eventually, one of those women you so staunchly defend will finally break that curse of a dry-spell that you call your virginity.  Oh who are we kidding, this won’t happen. Just go back to your level 1 night elf and just keep hitting /dance until you get off.

I have a moral question. Is it wrong to ask a girl out after stealing her number from a resume she left behind at my friend’s job?

-KR, Philadelphia

This is quite the dilemma KR. However, there’s a pretty simple solution here.

If you know the girl, then there’s a precedent and you’re good to go. Simply call her up and set the whole thing up. Sure, no challenge, but you’re pretty much committing identify theft anyways, so why not make it worthwhile.

However, if you don’t know the girl… it’s going to be a bit trickier, but not impossible. You’re going to have to social-engineer something here. Granted, you might be tempted to start stalking her neighborhood since you already have her address, but that’s precisely the wrong way to go. You’ve got the phone number, so let’s work with that.

First off, let’s determine what kind of number we’re dealing with here… Cell phone? That could be perfect because you could do the whole “Um, just got a message from this number, who is this?” and then work it out from there. The upshot is that she may be the kind who sends out 1000 messages a day about completely inane bullshit and won’t likely realize that she has no clue who you are and will thus start sending random crap to you. Then it’s just a matter of working up to the “I don’t think I remember you… could you send me a pic?” If she does, then it’s just a matter of time until you have her convinced that sending crude snapshots of her poon will better jog your memory. After all, that’s what modern tech is REALLY for.. amateur porn.

Let us know how it goes! Pictures and video are always welcome. Feel free to send them to the official Deviant Advice Text Line: 503-451-0822

What. The. Goddam. Fuck!?! My friend is absolutely convinced that he’s a rapper. He’s been recording like crazy and trying to put his music all over the net. I really don’t want him to embarrass himself, so how do I help him?

- AM, Ogden

You know what AM. DO NOT TELL HIM TO STOP. Seriously. Just let him spread that crap EVERYWHERE. In fact, why don’t you help him by uploading some of his stuff too? Yes, it’s going to embarrass the ever-loving hell out of him, but that’s exactly what you want to do.

You see, some folks won’t learn until their humiliation is thorough and public. And there’s nothing more public than the entire global stage. No doubt, you’ve probably tried to wave this guy off and, clearly, he’s just not listening. So you’ve done due diligence, now it’s time for the unrepentant hate machine that is the Internet to take over and subtly steer this idiot away from what will, no doubt, be his potential undoing. Yes, it’s going to be ugly and brutal and, in all honesty, Square Cube over there will end up crying over his MySpace/Xanga/whatever the fuck it is that out-of-touch white boys use to emulate gangsta rappers with nowadays (“nowadays”… does Ma and Pa know you’re out late? -ed) and wondering why “they all hate me.” Well, it’s obvious.. we hate you because you’re retarded. But that’s the duality, we also LOVE you because you’re retarded, yaknowI’msayin G?

Pull up your fucking pants too.

Why do men like motorcycles that are so f$&%(&g loud!?

- SL, San Jose

Honestly SL, we’ve no f$&%(&g clue on that either. I mean, how the hell can you hear anything when you’ve got that shit right by your goddam ears? Actually, that’s the reality of it. It doesn’t matter that those guys can’t hear anything. They’re just bad ass. You don’t understand loud? Then you, SL, don’t understand cool.

You see, sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to maintain apperances. Those guy? Yeah, they can’t hear shit because they don’t have any goddam eardrums anymore because those open pipes have obliterated them. However, it’s not a big deal because those hogs sound like death coming for you.  That’s the quintessential definition of “bad ass” right there. Besides, motorcycles SHOULD be loud as all hell anyways. They are the emblem of a rebellious bunch, a class of human being who knows the rules, but is more than happy to skirt right around them. Scofflaws? Oh no my friend, these are “get em drunk on cheap booze, fuck them in the ass, wipe my dick on their sheets, and steal gas money” laws.

Step 1: The Mood

Save for a few souls who are homosexual men, or else deep (snicker) into BDSM, anal sex is something that must be worked up to. Typically this means that you’re probably going to be having regular sex before anal sex. And let’s be honest here, if your regular-sex skills are lacking, your anal-sex skills could very well be best described as “traumatic.” So make sure you start out with some good, regular-style sex. As a personal aside, if your ultimate destination is the chocolate factory, I’d advise starting Missionary and then progressing to Doggy. Again, personal aside and not any sort of “you must…” statement.

Step 2: The Approach

So it’s getting closer to go time. For first timers, this is where things go from “this is a hot fantasy” to “wait a second, this IS a human ass we’re dealing with here…” Translation: reality starts to set in. So advice here splits into two segments:

• Taking It In The Butt: Since you are the one who’s going to have most of their neurons resequenced in a fit of erotic pleasure, it’s best to understand that your body will be out of your control. Granted, you aren’t going to start clucking like a chicken or anything, but there’s a high likelyhood that you’re going to be moving around and your lover can’t follow every move. And since the act of having something in and out of your rear constantly and at a rapid pace tends to displace air, there’s all sorts of exciting risks of “spillage.” So, as a willing host, it’s your job to keep a nice clean basement there. Is all this too flowery for you? Fine, take a poop before sex and try not to have a large meal beforehand. Speaking your language now? Great.
• Putting It In The Butt: Let’s face facts. Unless you’re a guy getting it in the ass somehow, you’re probably the one doing the pushing here. And unless you are a devotee of anal sex (then why are you even reading this?), then you have no clue what the hell is about to happen. As you get ready for this exploration, just remember that the butt isn’t multi-functional like the vagina. The butt serves one real purpose for the body and it’s always trying to manage that purpose. So bear in mind that things may not go as you plan and there might be some unexpected happenings. It’s ok. Just go with it. Still not sure what I’m talking about? Fine. Be ready for the occasional fart or some staining on your junk. Yes, there you go. Now you understand. Fantastic.

Step 3: Lube and Romance

That’s right. Lube AND Romance. Folks, you gotta woo the intended taker of this. Just saying something like “oh god, I want it in your ass” isn’t quite cutting it. On the flip side, saying “fine, if it will shut you up” probably isn’t going to end up in a good experience either. You’ve got to communicate with each other and make it clear that you both are ready. This can be accomplished in any one of a number of ways, but a general rule is that quoting “Baby Got Back” is going to get you slapped… or crapped on if the other person’s laughing hard enough and ignoring what I put in Step 2. So yes. You’ve both made it clear that now is the time. Legs get spread and asses get… romanced. That’s right… romanced. Folks, the butt is a complicated area of the body that, usually, keeps stuff in and tends to be unidirectional (pauses for you to make an “Exit Only” joke……. we good? ok, let’s go). What you’re doing pretty much confuses the hell out of an ass… at first. To make things easier, you want to gently let the ass know what’s going on. And this means romantic stuff like massaging, rubbing (gently… it’s a rectum, not a pork shoulder needing a dry-rub before a BBQ), maybe even getting down there with some kisses. Side note: I’ve never rimmed someone simply because I have a low squick threshold. Some folks don’t mind, it’s a personal thing. This is a great time to bring in the aforementioned Lube of the “Lube and Romance” title… So you’re there and you’ve got your lube and a romanced asshole in front of you. Now what? Well, it’s time to finish prepping the area. Yes genius, that means lube it up. Now, this is an area that is up for fierce debate… namely, which lube is the best? Honestly, it’s a personal decision. Just remember that the lube should at least be water-based with a water spritzer nearby. Trust me on this. If you aren’t sure of why, that’s a whole other article that I can work on later. Just trust me, ok? Fantastic. So here you should start GRADUALLY applying lube. Remember that, typically, a little goes a long way, but it’s best to err on the side of caution here. And by “err” I mean “use a little more than you think is necessary” and not “empty the bottle” ok? Rock on. Make sure you get some inside as well. And with that, we go to….

Step 4: Slow Start

Congratulations. You are now either the posessor of or else in posession of a well-lubed rear-end. This is a good time to, again, split advice into two segments:

• Takin It In The Tookus: this is where you really need to work on relaxing. Breathing exercises, happy thoughts, good music, whatever it takes to get you into your happy place mentally. Please note: if the only way you get calm is through drugs, then you’re pretty much sunk here. Until you actually know and understand how your body feels when it’s got a large load o’ cargo back there, it’s best to do this sober. So get calm. Talk to your partner and tell them how you feel as you feel it.. but do be polite about it. Translation: “That feels ok” or “I like how that feels” or “Slow down” as opposed to “Oh Holy Fuck what the hell, are you jamming a log into my ass or what?”

• Tossing Into The Toss: at this point, you should be stuck on one speed… SLOW. Yes, I know that “slow” is often a matter of perspective, but remember that you’re dealing with a sensitive body part here (rectums CAN tear, ok and you DON’T want that ER trip on your insurance). First off, you might want to start out by using some fingers first. One, then another, and so forth. Take your time here and keep the bottle o’ lube -or else the aforementioned spritzer bottle- handy and freshen up that lube from time-to-time. As you work in a finger, take time to really massage the interior of the rectum. Again, romance. The purpose here is to get your partner used to the width gradually since, unless they have some horrific gastric anomoly, they aren’t used to soemthing as big as what you’re wielding. So exercise caution and concern. Once you have in as many fingers as can reasonably represent what you will be replacing said fingers with, then it’s time to sieze your destiny with both hands and continue on to: Step

5: Ass Fucking (couldn’t come up with a clever title)

So it’s time. All prep has been done and it’s time to go to the big show. Again, advice is in two streams…

• Wide Receiver: at this point, you’re pretty much done. You’ve given signals to your partner that you’re ready and have likely had your ass romanced. You’re ready. Now what? Well… nothing. At this point, you just sorta close your eyes and let the partner take over.

• Quarter-Back: look at your partner. There they are… ready, willing, waiting, lubed, and -hopefully- enjoying themselves. Now it’s time for you to… go slow. Yes, slow… again. Why? Well, even though you’ve used your fingers and gotten the receiver ready, fingers aren’t whatever you’re intending to fill them with. After all, a bundle of sticks is way different than a log.. am I right here? Of course I am. So start slow. Gently ease the end of whatever into your partner, taking note of how it feels (if you’re a girl doing a guy with a strapon, this part won’t be easy) and how your partner is reacting. Listen to any noises they make, feel how they move. You’re probably capable enough to tell good sounds from bad and -likewise- good movement from bad. Now, the one thing you’re waiting for here is for your partner to push back. No, not like “oh sweet Jesus get this out of me NOW or they won’t find your body,” rather more like “I actually want you deeper in me.” As soon as The Push is confirmed, you’re pretty much free to open up that throttle and give it a go. Just remember to keep a careful neuron or two on when it feels like friction is slowing down and retreat the area with more lube or water. Generally you won’t need to do this often, but conditions can vary. While the ass isn’t -by nature- self-lubricating, the body does occasionally find a way to overcome this. So that’s it. You are now having anal sex and, hopefully, enjoying it. If you’re the giver, you’re likely working that ass like an angry sharecropper with a grudge. Conversely, as the taker, you probably are now realizing why the term “Anally Fixated” was coined and are questioning as to why in the hell it was ever considered a bad thing.

All the fun aside, there’s still some things to remember…

1) Going from the ass directly to the vagina is a no-no. In fact, it’s seriously a HORRIBLE idea. The rectum is designed to expel, as is the vagina. However, the vagina is a multi-tasker since it also tends to bring stuff (ie: sperm) in. So by going from ass to vag, you’re likely dragging bacteria from the brink of terror into paradise. If you feel compelled to give it the ole switcheroo, then at least wipe off first or pull on a new condom. Some folks have come up with the ingenious plan to wear two condoms and simply whip off the used and have the fresh ready to go. I’ve no idea of why they choose this route, but I’m guessing they’re Forumla 1 fans. If that makes no sense to you, don’t worry. Just laugh, cause it’s goddam funny.

2) In the shower? No. Not at all. I can’t detail why this is a bad idea, it just is.

3) Cleanup will likely be simple (couple of quick turns with a warm rag) or terrifying (”when did you have corn on the cob?”). Either way, there is a small possibility of blood. Don’t freak. If it’s a small amount, it’s normal as the rectum can tear easily. Conversely, if it’s a large amount (your first thought is “did I slaughter a calf?”) then you might want to freak out, clean up, and head to the ER.

4) Lather, rinse, and -most importantly- repeat. Having successful anal sex once is like having a great dinner out of the fridge once. You always have an ass just like you always have a reasonably-stocked fridge. Indulge often. So there you have it. A nice guide to anal sex for the newbie. Oh sure, I’ve glossed over some more complex facts (why buttsecks in the shower is bad) and gone WAY overboard on other things (I did mention lube and going slow, right?), but this guide will help get you started. Enjoy!

Addendum: guys, don’t think you’re out on the receiving end either… everything I’ve mentioned in this guide applies to you too. The only real difference is that a woman won’t get as much tactile response with a strapon as you do with your dick, so you need to communicate much more clearly and often. So put your fears aside (no, it doesn’t make you gay.. just kinky) and give it a whirl… who knows, you may even see God. If you do, tell him I said hi and that I’m really sorry about that thing in ‘83… he’ll know

This site was created to fulfill a need that keeps coming up time and again; namely, figuring out why some things feel so damn good. Of course, no one needs to know WHY they feel good, they just know that they feel good. However, there are some people out there who aren’t content to merely sit back and enjoy, they want to take it to a whole ‘nother level. And thus, The Pervy Geek was born.

The intention here is to break down why things feel so good so that you, dear, disgusting reader can better get your freak on. We’ll talk about toys, techniques, videos, websites, and even your requests. Think we need to check something out? Let us know! Just curious? Ask us! We can be reached at ThePervyGeek@DeviantAdvice.com

So come back soon. This oughta be REALLY fun.

“I want to be in an open relationship, but he/she won’t go for it. How do I convince him/her/them?”

“Hey… so I want lots of threesomes, how do I make it happen all the time?”

“Why don’t you call me anymore? -Mom”

All of these questions have answers available in this, Deviant Advice’s guide to Open Relationships

So it’s a life-long fantasy for some, an unattainable reality for others, and for others still it’s just an occasional dalliance. Open Relationships have been quite the discussion topic since the show “Big Love” made (at least the Mormon) version of this popular. Once mainstream acceptance (or Bill Paxton’s tacit approval, whichever way you groove on it) was secured, it was only a matter of time before this once-relegated topic began to be a more viable, “accepted” relationship alternative.

So now people are starting to open up to the idea of open relationships. While swingers are seen going “meh, old news is old,” several folks are quite thrilled by this and see it as an avenue of adventure. But, of course, it’s difficult to get started. It’s not often that both parties in an open relationship come to a mutual agreement at the same time. Often, it’s because one party is into the idea and the other eventually gets into it, or -unfortunately- relents just to please the other person. While some may argue the point that it’s all unhealthy, the former is the healthy side of it while the latter (or part of it, at least) is unhealthy. So this guide will take delve into both sides, but primarily focusing on the positive expression of this relationship archetype. Ready? Let’s get to it!

Step 1: are you really wanting Open, or just “open?” Yes, there is a difference. Open is a state where you and your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/smelly vagrant who won’t leave even though you’ve given him $50 agree that seeing other people -both separately and together-  is a good idea and can really spice up the primary relationship. “Open,” on the other hand, is where one party invariably wants their cake, to eat it too, and probably wants someone else’s cake. Basically, “Open” means you’re a greedy jackass and probably shouldn’t be masturbating frequently, much less dating seriously. So now that we’ve set a bit of a precedent, let’s delve more into the idea of Open.

Being Open means several things to several people. Some consider Open to be just a sexual thing (swingers, etc) while others see it as an emotional thing (polyamory). Since the discussion of polyamory is a bit nebulous, we won’t be covering it here (not to mention there’s already the fantastic polyamorysociety.org site).  So for the sake of this guide, we’re pretty much limiting ourself to Swinging. Why not just call this a guide to swinging? Because we hate Vince Vaughn and, frankly, you should too. The idea of an Open Relationship does differ a bit from the idea of swinging. Swinging is primarily about sex (note: PRIMARILY, swinging isn’t all sex, so drop the email, hippie). Open Relationships are about keeping the primary relationship strong while adding the occasional bit of spice to the equation. Being Open has lots of roots, but it’s primary root is just that people like to mix things up a bit. Yes, some of it is emotional, but that’s just the nature of things. It doesn’t necessarily mean that one party is bored with the other. It’s typically the opposite in that one party wants to share the other with others. Yes, sometimes it’s just about bragging over what a great piece of ass/cock/ladyboy you happen to have. Don’t feel ashamed, it’s normal. Well, normalish. Frankly, I’ve seen some stuff that… yeah.

Step 2: what’s next? Well, that part gets a bit clouded, mostly depending on how secure you and your other feel in this decision. If you both are VERY eager, then it’s likely you can start trolling Craigslist, or any one of the hundreds of “Swinger Personals” sites that are out there. If you two are nervous, then it’s better to pick one plan and stick with it, and that’s likely going to be Craigslist. Yes, I’m sure you expected me to point you out to some great Swinger organization, but that’s just not going to happen. Let me explain why CL is so good for Swinging noobs…

It’s inevitable that you’re going to meet some batshit crazy sex-starved idiot who will lie their ass off to you and, generally, attempt to destroy life as you know it. Honestly, it’s good to get this experience out of the way as soon as possible so that you can actually focus on meeting good, healthy people who just so happen to want to diddle you and your significant other.. preferably at the same time.. at a campground… behind the dumpsters… look, I was young, give me a damn break here.

Anyways. So yes. Craigslist will be a great first stop to you. Spend some time trolling ALL of the personals categories there. Even tho some stuff might not appeal to you (like the guy who wants you dressed up like a clown while be blows a conch shell), you will find ads that appeal to you. Take a few notes, hell, copy an entire ad that you like and tweak it to where it more represents you rather than the other folks putting themselves out there. Yes yes, this is indirectly plagiarism, but no one’s going to care since you’re tolling a part of the Internet that unites such pillars of ethics folks as Shit Players and whoever Chris Hansen has a bug up his ass about this week. So yeah, plagiarism is the least of your worries. Your ad shouldn’t go over the top and should be pretty basic about what you’re looking for. Some folks will say to not put in that you’re new, but I say you should. Yes, it opens up some nasty possibilities, but at least you won’t get in too deep… no, I’ll let YOU make the joke there; that’s a freebie.

Step 3: you still good with this? Of course you are. You all have discussed it and realize that this is something you want to do. You all have placed your first ad and managed to sift through the piles of crazy to find that one other couple/solo who doesn’t make you wonder if maybe eugenics wasn’t such a bad idea after all.  So making your first meeting casual might be the best way to go. If things go well and everyone feels like leaving the restaurant at half-past sexytime, then so be it. But for the majority of the first encounter, try to limit it to dinner and light drinks. Just be casual and see how things feel. You’re under no pressure here, so take your time.

Step 4: so you’ve had your first encounter and let’s assume it went well. That’s great. Now what do you do? It’s easy; lather, rinse, repeat. A great first encounter is nice, but additional encounters are much better. The critical thing here is to keep communicating. Talk about what’s happening. Be open about what works and what doesn’t. This is also a great time to talk about rules. No, one one likes them.. but, sadly, they are necessary. Rules gives us order, streamline society, and announces the superiority of one band/car/model over another. Open relationship are no different. They need rules. Now, the rules structure of the relationship can be very dynamic, or they can be absolutely rigid. The best, obviously, blend the two by establishing “Hard” limits (they ain’t-a-changin, so don’t be-a-askin) and “Soft” limits (flexible and can change in the right circumstances). For the four of you reading who recognized those as BDSM terms, congrats.

Some of the more popular “Hard” limits include no “full swap” wherein couples completely exchange partners and, often, go out on their own adventures. Other examples are required condoms, no kissing (rare, but it is out there.. strangely),  and travel/overnight stays. Interestingly, these do sometimes become “soft” limits over time. More common soft limits tend to be things like restricted activities (things you want to be just for you and your partner), time constraints (be home by a certain time, etc). Of course, these are just basic ideas. Your relationship will have its own rules structure and it’s very important that these are fully discussed at almost every step during this. No, you don’t have to recreate the Yalta conference and discuss the division of parts to people (”Sarah has access to my cock and balls, but not my ass. This is determined by the location of the 42nd parallel”), but some formality would help. The main thing to remember though, is that rules are subject to change. Hard limits become soft and vice-versa, so bear this in mind.

And, frankly, there you have it. Most open relationships tend to die because people have unrealistic expectations. As long as you remember that you can always go back and make changes. Sleeping with that one couple who wanted to dress up like Hansel and Gretel while you shoved them into an oven? Yeah, that one’s gonna probably require therapy and LOTS of penicilin.

Good luck!

I love my fiance, but I’m starting to wonder if she’s not the right girl for me. You see, I think she’s becoming a feminist. She talks about the wedding being a “patriarchial ceremony” and says she won’t take my last name since no one “owns” her. She also wants to make sure that the wedding isn’t held anywhere religious since that’s more “patriarchal” something or other.  So what do I do?

-MM, Tulsa

Oh wow MM, you’ve got a hell of a situation there. Where the hell do we even start here?

Well, let’s go with the obvious. Your fiance is a fucking moron. And the fact that she’s actually your fiance also means she’s FUCKING a moron. Or, more appropriately, she’s probably not-fucking you. When she starts hauling out shit like “male-centric,” or “patriarchal,” or “why do I have to be in the kitchen all the time?” then she’s not a feminist, she’s just some bossy bitch who is actually getting away with it because you, limp-dick McGee, can step up and lay the pipe right. Am I right fellas? Goddam right I am. There, now she has enough rage in her to probably want to storm out of the room and send us an angry letter about how absolutely evil we are.

Ok. So now all that crap aside. Here’s the deal. If your fiance really thinks like that, then you have a hell of a problem staring you right in the face. You’ve got a woman on your hands who will always find fault with everything you do and will endeavor to ensure that everyone knows what a strong-willed woman she is by reminding them of this CONSTANTLY. You see, MM, she’s not a feminist.. she’s just a bitch and you really should dump her ass faster than Al Sharpton dumps a poor, repressed, inner-city cause celebre.

That’s what really sucks. The idea that “feminism” is still alive. Folks, it’s not. It’s dead and buried and pretty much needs to stay right there in the cold, cold ground. Granted, a short period (clever, dork -ed) ago, women had it rough. As men go, we were absolute louts. However, we grew up pretty goddam quick and realized that, oh my god, the only real difference between women and men was the whole “birthin babies” thing. So, aside from that, men and women are pretty much the same and the concept of “feminism” is just retarded now. So if your fiance is TRULY a feminist, then she won’t ever use the word and, as long as it really is her desire to not have a “traditional” (the hell does that mean anyways? “traditional) wedding, then it’s ok. But if her decision is pretty much motivated by her trying to please a community who pretty much go out of their way to do the exact opposite of anything a man does based on some idiotic principle, then she’s just an idiot and you should probably get rid of her.

So, Deviant Advice fans… what do YOU think about MM’s situation? Is he about to make a terrible mistake? Is he just overreacting? Is MY wife going to kick my ass out to the couch again? (that divot is starting to take your shape -ed) Why not discuss it on the forums by clicking the link below!

My girl wants to wait until we’re married before we have sex. She’s hot as hell and goes down on me, but I want more you know? I mean, you gotta sample the milk before you buy the cow, right?

-RC, Pontiac

Hell ya RC. After all, if you’re going to -presumeably- spend the rest of your life with this chick, then you gotta know what you’re workin with down there. Nothing worse than dating a 10-star hottie only to discover a set of pastrami curtains, amirite? (at least it’s not a grilled cheese sandwich… -ed) So yes, getting her into the sack is going to be damn important.

But first off… I want to take a second and congratulate her for having the moxy to at least compromise and give up the occasional beej. The fact that she does this is, honestly, reason enough to marry her. I mean, most women who won’t give up the vag till Wedding Night usually won’t give up ANY orifice anyways. So the fact that she’s willing to give you head should convince you that marriage is a safe bet.

Unless, of course, she’s already been down that road and had her cherry busted and, thusly, has no skills in bed. Then that could be a deal-breaker too. So it’s going to be a tough call. Frankly, if it were me, i’d get her drunk as hell and go for anal. At least, then, you can pull out the “well, there’s always…” routine. Sure, it’s a bitch move, but desperate times do call for desperate measures, do they not my friend?

Now, pehaps she IS willing to give it up, but has some sort of hangup (religious, ideological, she’s a lesbian), then you’re going to need to talk her down from that mental precipice. Maybe we can provide you some good arguments:

1) It’s not just about you sampling her. Maybe you aren’t good enough in the sack for her (do you at least return the oral favor?).

2) A Man’s Got Needs (like your need to sleep on the couch tonight? -ed).

3) Compatibility is based on more than just liking the same food, movies, music, etc. It’s also sexual. Why wait until the wedding night to discover that she has a fetish for those “Ricola” horns and loves to blow on one during sex (which would, in essence, explain why she’s willing to “blow” you…).

4) Sex is just sex. It’s not like it’s the be-all-end-all of human existence. It’s meant to be fun and she DOES like to have fun right?

5) Whacking to PornTube is, technically, cheating. Why is she making you cheat on her already?

6) If you do it in the butt, she’s still a virgin (does this actually work? -ed)

Of course, you could also go the “well, I AM spending two months’ salary on your damn ring” approach, but that rarely works since most folks work for crappy pay in this economy.

So RC… here’s my final advice for you.

Get her drunk, do her in the butt. Then “I do!”

Dear Asshole.

I took your damn advice and told my wife that I wanted to hook up with this guy. Now my wife is freaked out and won’t talk to me and also said that we really shouldn’t be open anymore. So there goes my sweet fucking deal. You people fucking suck. Fuck you

Fuckers. I’m fucking LM

Look LM. It’s really fucking easy. You obviously wanted to cheat on your wife and came to us thinking we were going to be all “omg, totally do it and send us teh gay porn pics so our wives can get off on them.” And then we didn’t. You see, you miss the point of what makes “Deviant Advice” “Deviant.” Namely, it’s that we aren’t going to always give the best advice or the advice you want. Sometimes we’ll actually argue for morality. Oh sure, the majority of our text indicates that we’re going to give you the advice you want, but hey… we are fickle people. So we’re sorry LM.

Sorry you’re a fucking nitwit. Man up and realize you fucked up. That’s some REAL damn advice.

So, yesterday, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen opened up in theaters. No, I haven’t seen it. I caught Transformers on opening day, so I feel I have enough qualifications to do a movie review based entirely off a combination of the previous movie and random crap I pull off the internet… plus I was that one guy who actually liked Armageddon (deal with it, k?). So with that, I’m dividing this review into two sections…

WARNING: May contain spoilers… unless you have an IQ over 12. Geeks Like Me

You get 2.5 hours of Michael Bay blowing shit up and, basically, kissing GM’s ass. The only real positive is that Soundwave FINALLY shows up and brings Ravage. the downside is that Ravage is a one-eyed dog that, near as I can dell, is nowhere NEAR as awesome as he could be. Additionally, Laserbeak is nowhere to be found and, frankly, what the hell? Starscream is still nowhere near as bitchy as he was in the show/comic book. Additionally, I can’t seem to find a dick on Megatron, so what can Starscream latch onto anyway? Devastator makes an appearance too, but supposedly he can’t walk normal due to his combined form so ends up walking like an ape. Yes, 7 robots can combine to form a single robot, but apparently can’t figure out a SPINE. Anyways. On the Autobot side, Arcee makes an appearance, which is interesting. In the show she was a single craft, now she’s suddenly a collection of three different bots? WTF? Additionally, Jetfire shows up, ensuring that Bay continues to piss all over my childhood by finding out a way to take a dig at Robotech (y’all know what I mean here…). Mirage still isn’t anywhere to be found and Jazz is still dead. I don’t get it either. Oh and the Chevy Volt gets to be in the movie too. Dinobots? Not so much. I guess if you can’t make a car out of it… Shia LaBeouf seems to be doing a decent job as Sam I guess, so that’s good. I don’t think Megan Fox gets naked, but oh well. Some dreams just never come true. If anyone can confirm me wrong on this, please let me know in the comments so I can better decide if I want to see this or download it wait for the DVD.

Non-Geeku€s

You will love this movie.

For me, I’m not going to really bother with it. I think I got lucky with the first one (despite lots of glaring flaws that I just pushed to the side anyways). Plus, I still haven’t seen the new Star Trek, so I’m probably going to go see G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra as an act of pennance when it comes out in August. *sigh* Sometimes being a geek isn’t as hot as it sounds. So how about you all my fellow PDX’ers? Anyone seen this yet? Got an opinion yet? Maybe you too think that Michael Bay and GM are plotting to eviscerate something else from your childhood soon enough (has anyone optioned Silverhawks yet?). Why not “Duke” it (oh god no!) out in the comments? While you’re at it, why not give me a follow on that new-fangled Twitter all the kids are all going crazy about? And, as usual, if you just HAVE to tell me my advice sucks, feel free to send me a poorly-worded email so that, eventually, I can laugh at you. Dignity, roll out!

If we’re in an open relationship and I see somone but don’t tell her, it’s not really cheating is it? I sorta met someone online and I don’t think she’ll really be into this guy. He’s really hot though and we’ve already hat really hot phone sex and want to take it to the next level… but she won’t be into it. What can I do here?

-LM, Manhattan

LM, I really am not sure where to start here. Is it cheating? Well, if you’re asking then it sure as shit probably is, dumbass. See this situation is pretty easy to figure out. Open relationship? Great. Keeping things quiet? Idiot.

You see LM, any relationship is pretty much nothing more than a carefully orchestrated series of lies. But they’re small lies. By not telling your wife about this dude you got on the back burner, you’re pretty much skipping right past small lie territory and going directly into the Evisceration of Truth. That’s right LM, you’re pretty much stabbing the ever-loving hell out of you and your wife’s marriage and leaving it to bleed to death in a dark alley.

So here’s what I suggest you do. Man up. No, that doesn’t mean go do the other dude on the DL, it means tell your wife and hope that she allows it to happen, or else be graceful if she doesn’t. It’s really that simple. However, if you DO decide to go ahead and hit it on the hush-hush (after all, this IS Deviant Advice), then at least use your big head before using your (very) small head. Use a condom, make sure you keep your mouth shut (unless you’re into, you know, that), and KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT. That’s probably the one thing that destroys most secret plans.. the inability to shut up.

Why not drop us a line and let us know how it works out? We’d love to read up on the results and, well, we’ll probably make fun of you either way. Now get out there and make a decision!

Is it true? Have you finally stopped putting your filth out online?

You know what… anything BUT. Unfortunately, I did have to take some time off and start working on some personal things. After some time spent introspecting and getting a handle on some personal stuff in my life. Now that I’ve gotten a bit better, I’m ready to get back on the laptop and start helping people again. After all, it’s about goddam time, amirite?

Dear Best Advice Givers,

I love this site. It’s so fu*kin funny. Everytime I read it, I lol out loud and everyone at work just stares @ me. I don’t care tho, I love this site! Keep up the good work!

Actually, it’s LOOOOOOVE Mail Monday! While hate mail does seem to pull in the page counts, we figure a love note every now and again is a good thing. We figured we’d toss y’all a curve ball and post something nice since, well, that’s about 90% of what our inbox gets. Love us? Hate us? Who cares, just send us mail!

She wants to swing and I really don’t want to. However, I don’t really mind her going out and having her “fun” and all that. I told a buddy of mine and he says that I’m not being The Man and she’s probably just using me. Is he right?

- DF, Salem

Well DF, it’s like this. Has she made it clear to you that you’re able to get out there and play the field? If so, then you’re golden and your friend is a jealous idiot. However, if she’s saying “you know.. I’m not comfortable with this,” then your friend is speaking the truth and you need to dump her like a bad habit. Or you could try and remind her that this relationship is two-way (3-way? 4-way? -ed) and you need equal consideration. If she’s still not going for it, then you’re on the wrong end of a bad situation and you need to get the hell out of there.

Of course, my opinion here is that you two should consider something called a “soft swap,” which is where you swing with other couples ONLY and all fun is had while all four folks are present and accounted for. That way no one feels left out (I see what you did there… -ed) This is probably one of the best ways to make sure that everyone has fun, plus it gives you plenty of blackmail material for later, if the relationship ends up going to crap.

What? Oh come on… seriously, I can’t be the only one who thinks like this. You’re at DeviantAdvice.com for god’s sake.. that means something people.

Carry on!

I’m totally torn. So my moms makes me go to chuuch with her and there’s this nice honey who caught my eye the other day. So, you know, I go up and spit my game and get her number. Then moms tells me that it’s a sin and I should respect Jesus in hise house. So what do y’alls think? Was it ok to say “what’s up” or is moms right in saying that I should check it until we out of J’s house?

-MA, Detroit

Honestly MA, we’re torn on this one. And here’s why.

First off, we’re Deviant Advice. So hooking up in church is NOTHING to us. After all, if we weren’t meant to hook up, then why are pews like little beds? Are we right here? Of course we are. Now, you’re probably thinking “Ok, so they’re saying I should hook up don’t look back.” Ordinarily, you would be right.

However, it’s Mother’s Day Weekend around here and, well, we’re a collection of Mama’s boys (and girls, for the one girl amongst us). So let’s see if we can find common ground…

First off MA, Moms was right. It’s sorta inappropriate to try and score a hookup while in church.

Unless it’s the preacher’s daughter. Then you’re pretty much obligated to hit it and quit it.

In the future, we recommend that you try andget to know the honeys biblically while Moms ain’t around.

And from all of us Deviants to all you Moms, Moms-to-be, gramamamas, and Muthas… Happy Mother’s Day!

That’s all for now! Feel free to resume relentlessly stalking us for updates!

Hubby is a Trekkie.

Help.

-GG, Allentown

Oh my GG… we’re gonna warn you right away that this post is NOT going to work well for you.

You see, we here at Deviant Advice Global HQ are Trekkies. Not slobbering Trekkies, but we get into it. Unfortunately, there just so happens to be a deep division. My wife, ed, (that’s -ed) is a fan of the Next Generation series (TNG, if you want to get savvy) whereas I’m into the Original Series (you guessed it, TOS). We have regular arguments about which series is better (you realize I have Wil Wheaton, right? -ed). In the end though, I always win because, well, I run the site. So there.

Now, our advice to you GG is to just get over whatever prejudice you have and get into it. And to help you out, we’ll give you some universal truths about the ‘Trek:

1. No question about it. Kirk.  No matter what, Kirk.

2. In en epic throwdown, Spock could totally take Data. Especially if it’s during Pon Farr. Seriously, the android would die.

3. No matter what, Scotty really doesn’t have the power, so stop fucking asking.

4. Forget new life and new frontiers, Kirk’s 5 year mission was to fuck anything with a vagina, or anything with something that at least approximated a vagina  (and wearing go-go boots, you mustn’t forget the go-go boots!! -ed).

5. Uhura would have kicked Crusher’s ass.

6. In his defense, so would we. Chick is hot, ok?

7. KAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHNNNNN!!!

8. Gene Roddenberry should be sainted, immediately.

9. Jim, he’s a fucking DOCTOR ok? Let him doctor.

10. Saucer Separation is for pussies. Live together, die together alright? It’s that goddam simple.

So you see GG, it’s really not that difficult. You have to just understand that Star Trek isn’t just a show and a collection of movies, it’s an entire way of life. You don’t really watch any of it, you bond with it. Frankly, it’s a hell of a lot of fun so long as you take it too seriously.

I’d write more here, but I need to get back to the tattoo shop. I’m having the Joan Collins’ character from “The City On The Edge of Forever” inked onto my back.

What?

Why do you all publish hate mail? You know the people who are sending it to you aren’t going to read it anyways. This site really sucks.

Honestly, we publish hatemail for the very same reason you send it. We’re narcissistic pieces of shit who enjoy conflict and chaos.

Actually, at least 95% of the mail we get is very complimentary and lots of it contains advice requests (just a note folks, we do have a special form for that, but your emails are always welcome). So we feel compelled to publish the hate mail because folks like yourself are in a clear minority when it comes to the site. Plus we get a little vicarious thrill out of talking total shit on you people because we KNOW you’re coming back (come on people, Google Analytics says our returning visitors is at 74%, that’s gotta mean SOMETHING). So the whole “oh they won’t read it” is crap. In fact, you’re probably hoping we pick your email and response to it. We know that, secretly, you get off on it. It makes you happy inside because then you can go tell all of your retarded friends that we totally ripped you a new one because we suck ass and, somehow, it becomes a victory for you and not a win for us.

But that’s where you’re wrong. By repeatedly visiting the site and getting your friends to visit, that helps boost our page counts so advertisers see us as that much more lucrative and, in turn, can help us eventually sell more ad space (once we start offering it) and, eventually, quit our day jobs.

You clearly didn’t think your cunning plan through.

Admit it. You just want to seem cool, edgy; god help you, you want to be trendy. In fact, you want to be on the bleeding edge of a trend, so you’ll go to almost impossible lengths to make it happen. And yes, that includes making shit up.  Don’t deny it, you’ve done it before.

At least, I know *I* did. I’m not ashamed to admit it either. In fact, I’m damn proud of it. Why? Because I wasn’t questioned at all on it. I would make up really strange customs, bands, food combinations, etc and absolutely NO ONE would say “that doesn’t sound right…” That’s because I had my shit together and could be an absolutely convincing liar. And I followed these steps to do it:

1. Don’t tell where you heard of this trend, just make vague references to various websites and/or magazines. Even if someone decides to Google it, the odds of them disproving you are pretty small since, well, there’s little you can’t find on Google anyways.
2. Don’t describe a true origin. It makes it harder for your lie to be convincing since people can narrow it down to a specific region. Try to imply that it’s from a combination of places and cultures.
3. The less-foreign the name, the better. Just go with me on this one.
4. If it’s food-related, make sure it’s something you can cook. Trust me, this will be critical. Nothing like claiming how great a random dish is and then cooking it, only to have it taste like absolute ass. As a precaution, you should probably make the dish a couple times, just to give it at least SOME legitimacy.
5. The more obscure your favorite band/music genre is, the worse it will suck to everyone else. So just avoid talking about new music, unless you’re some hipster who really DOES listen to bands no one’s ever heard of. In that case, just kill yourself.

And there you have it. Five easy steps to ensure that you stay on the cutting edge of whatever preposterous lie you decide to haul out while hanging out with your friends. Granted, once you start being all cultural and edgy, you’re going to want to make up even more obscure crap to see just what you can get away with and we think that’s a GREAT idea because, evnetually, it exposes your friends for being the pretentious wankers that they are.

By the way.. we just heard about this GREAT new band out of New Guinea who do this techno-jazz-country fusion thing that’s insane. But we think they’re already selling out…

I really do love my boyfriend, but lately he’s been putting on a little weight. I really do want to tell him that it’s starting to make him look bad, but he’s sensitive and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What do I do?

-MM, Boston

Sure MM, it could be tough to tell the lardass you’re dating that maybe he should drop the fork every once in a while, but it’ll be MUCH tougher to actually have sex with him when you have to lift a roll to find his dick.

Honestly, there’s no way to do it gently. You’re just going to have to tell him honestly and directly that he pretty much needs to start dropping some weight. Aside from the fact that sexing him up is going to get tougher, there are some other VERY serious side effects:

• little kids will make fun of him
• we here at Deviant Advice will make fun of him
• he’ll be forced to shop in the “Big and Tall” section and the fashions there aren’t kind
• he’ll go on Paula Dean’s Christmas card list

Of course, there’s all the myriad health issues as well, but he likely won’t listen to them, so just skip that crap altogether. So the next question is, how do you tell him?

You could go subtle.. “You know honey.. those pants seem a bit tighter lately.”

You could go gentle… “Sweetie… we need to talk about your weight.”

Or you could be direct… “Why is there a Japanese whaling boat outside our house?”

There really is no good, easy way to tell him. So our advice is to just be honest, but not too cruel. Something like “Look. I love you and all, but Rosie O’Donnell keeps calling the house. So either you’re a lesbian, or you might want to get on an exercise program.”

And by “exercise program” we hope you mean “anal.”

Good luck!

Dear Assholes

Why do you pick on gay people so much? It seems like there’s always some article about gay people here. I bet that, deep down, you all hate gay people because you’re gay yourselves.  You need to stop picking on us or we’re going to come after you. Just remember that we’re here, queer, and not going anywhere bitches.
What the hell? Is this person serious? How are we at all against gay people?  Look, jackass, it’s like this; we love gay people. And we love them for the following reasons:

1. they’re just like everyone else, which means they do stupid shit too
2. there’s the whole “they’re such clean and fashionable people” thing
3. then there’s the wacky gay types down Folsom street who disprove #2 in horrible ways
4. they’re no different than any other person out there
5. “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” was fun as hell to watch (yes, Carson is pretty, we admit)
6. gay people are just like straight people
7. seriously, no difference

I think the reason you’re so pissed off is the very fact that we DO treat gay people just like everyone else, which means we make merciless fun of them. You see, idiot, that’s the beauty of it all. By not seeing you as any different from us, we are able to make fun of you not because you’re gay, but because you’re a moron. Being gay just means we don’t have to switch gender-related pronouns and that appeals to our lazy side.

Honestly, I’m tempted to quote Carlos Mencia here.. but that jackass hasn’t said anything funny in years anyways. So I’ll just close by thanking you for reading and invite you to eat a bag of dicks. Unless you’re a lesbian. In that case, call us…

He’s a nice guy.. but I think it’s over. As fun as he is, we aren’t really that compatible. I need to let him down gently, but I don’t know if it’s possible since he’s a pretty emotional guy. Any advice for me?

-SL, Warr Acres
SL, just pull the trigger.

Seriously. I know guys like this. Hell, I used to BE a guy like this. Emotional, understanding, sensitive, stupid. Everything was taken to heart with me. That is, until I got dumped by the woman of my dreams.

She was hot. She was freaky in bed. She had this killer personality. I loved hanging out with her. I would tell her I loved her something like a brazilian times a day. I wrote poems for her. Then, one day, she let me know it was over. No “I’m sorry,” no “It’s not you, it’s me” and certainly none of that “Maybe we can still be friends” crap you see on the movies. It was a quick phone call… “I don’t think this is working out. Good luck.” Seriously, that was it. So after that, I did what any man would do… I wept like a freaking baby.

Then I went to the strip club and ripped through $200 worth of lap dances and tips. So at least I got that part right. Then I went home and alternated between crying and trying to get myself off with horrible cable porn (it was Oklahoma, after all).

But eventually I got over it, my heart healed, and I developed a healthy feeling of rage and scorn towards her which persists to this day. Sure, you would say that it’s a horrible thing, but I think it makes me better since it means that I can better accept the bitter disappointments that life does occasionally dish out. And that’s what this guy will eventually do to you SL. He’s going to get past it and, eventually, hate the very fact that you’re still alive. Oddly enough, this is what you’re hoping for. That way he doesn’t turn into some strange ex-boyfriend-good-friend hybrid that will attempt to have another relationship with you through the stories you tell him of the relationships that come after him. Unless that’s your thing. If so, then, you’re just pretty damn retarded.

So there ya go SL. Let it rip. Take his heart, rip it out of his chest, and stomp the ever-loving hell out of it. In the long run, it’ll make him a better person, or he’ll go on to form some retarded emo-ass band and sing thousands of dumb songs about your love and, in this day and age, likely go platinum and make more money than he knows what to do with.

I hate life and I really hate emo bands…

Yes, seriously. You you you. 24/7/365/YOU. Why should it ever be about anyone else?

Don’t get me wrong. Humanity does have its share of shining examples in the sea of chaos that we all find ourselves floating in. There are genuinely good people out there… the suckers. You see, most people are concerned with just trying to get their own issues sorted out and you shouldn’t be any different. Despite what you see, no one is out there just waiting to take care of you because they’re just swell people who think you’re a swell person. No, they’re likely trying to forward their own agenda and you just happen to be a pretty convenient pawn in that little game. How do I know? Well, pretty simple: Sally Struthers.

You see, Sally was pretty famous there for a bit because she was involved in one of those “feed teh starving childrens in Africa” programs. Like any other noble cause, it’s mission was to guilt thousands of middle-class folks in America to send money to Africa and, in the process, feed the kids and set them up with vaccines, education, and all the other things that the modern world enjoys. Seems noble enough, doesn’t it? Oh sure… until you realize that, over time, there were fewer and fewer kids in the advertisements. Oddly, Sally kept getting ever larger. So what does this mean? That’s right dear reader, she was eating the children. So what were people sending money over for? Hell if we know. But Sally sure as hell got hers, thus proving our rule that it REALLY is all about the individual.

So remember, as you’re out and about in the world, don’t ask if what you’re doing benefits the world at large, ask if it benefits YOU. And for the smarter amongst you, this does mean you can turn those ribbed condoms inside-out.. it’s what I do!

From: XXX@XXX.XXX
To: deviantadvice@yahoo.com
Sent: Monday, Apr 6 2009

You aren’t helpful.

Well, it’s certainly to the point, isn’t it? I think one of my favorite things is reading the occasional grumble about how we’re just not helpful, we’re horrible, the advice is awful, etc. It tickles me because it tends to confirm that there IS a shallow end to the gene pool and, thankfullly, we’re still not in it. Apparently reading comprehension is a determining factor in this. So if you’re able to go to a website that says “Bad Advice for Good People” and think to yourself “hey.. I bet this site is a humor site” then I would celebrate since you are clearly ahead of the rest of humanity. Congrats!

From: XXX@XXX.XXX
To: deviantadvice@yahoo.com
Subject: Swearing

Why do you swear so much? Little kids might be reading your site. Why not have a warning or something?
Piss off.

Oh, and watch your kids. They aren’t my responsibility, they’re YOURS. Asshat.

My son is turning 21 this year. Hell yeah! This is important and I really want to bring him into manhood in style. Is taking him to the strip club right? Or wrong? Let’s hear what you’ve got!

- ZD, Jacksonville
I can relate to this ZD. Currently I have two stepsons, one is 10 and the other is 8. And yes, I’m already planning their 18th and 21st birthday parties.

Strip club? With Dad? Get ON THAT! Seriously. I can only assume that you had “The Talk” with him when he was younger, so, basically, this is just a logical extension of that. Plus if you’re an afficionado, then the upshot is that you can teach him how to do this right.

But what about you, dear reader who may feel the same, but not know how to go about this? Well, let’s delve into some Strip Club Etiquette.

1. Be a gentleman. Yes, there’s exposed boobs and cold beer. However, the pairing of the two doesn’t give you license to act a fool.
2. They don’t love you, don’t act like it. This is a business transaction, so act accordingly.
3. Don’t throw money. Seriously. Rappers do this and you aren’t a rapper.
4. Let her set the tone. If she offers you the cleavage pickup, go for it. Otherwise, let it go. Wait till later.
5. Did we mention yet that she doesn’t love you? Because she doesn’t.
6. If you pay for a lapdance, you get just a lapdance.
7. Acknowledge the bouncers. Don’t treat them like they’re famil, but be courteous.
8. Don’t haggle the door, cheapass.
9. Help your broke-ass friends, create a Community Chest. Everyone deserves at least one turn at Pervert Row.
10. Seriously, she’s only in love with your wallet.

There you. Ten, 10 simple steps that will ensure your strip club experience is full of quality and, play your cards right, full of quantity experiences. Just remember rule 1 and your experience is absolutely golden, I promise you.

Congrats on your son’s impending entrance into Manhood. If we had a way to get down to Jacksonville, we’d join you there and help bring his drunk ass into a whole new world. We’ve got an entire stack of $1’s that would be MUCH better served in the g-string of some girl who’s dreams we’re destroying.

OMG this rseshun is horrible. But I got myself covered. There’s a man I know who say he wants to be my sugar daddy. My girl says it’s like I’m a ho. What do y’alls think?

-BJ, Detroit
You know. The fact that your initials are “BJ” is going to make me spend hours giggling like a high school prom queen (seriously, it’s adorable. -ed). But you’re not here for that, you’re here for advice. How’s about we get down to it.

But first.. it’s “recession” ok? Thanks.

And that also pretty much tells me that a Sugar Daddy is about the ONLY way you’re going to make any serious money in life. Now, unless this guy is freakishly wealthy and just feels the need to donate to some random stranger (ha!), then you’re likely doing something for this cash. So, BJ (teehee), that does make you a ho. Sorry, but them’s the breaks.

Now. Should you care? FUCK NO. This guy probably isn’t wanting anything major out of you.. unless he’s sent you a coffee cup and asked if you have any friends. In that case, get out of there as fast as you can. Otherwise, who cares? So you either send him dirty pics, send him dirty underwear, sing him “Dirty Laundry,” or something else similarly disgusting. In return, he pays your bills. Honestly, this is economics in it’s purest form. It’s his money, might as well let him spend it however the hell he wants. Food, family, a ghetto princess from Detroit, whatever. And if you have the good looks that can pay the bills, then you should use it to your full advantage.

Oh sure, some people are going to call you a ho and going to say that what you’re doing is wrong, but hey… who eats better? Am I right here? Damn straight I am. And that’s why you write in, people.

So BJ, you go on with your bad-ass self. And if he ever asks, we could sure use a couple bucks ourselves…

I have to write and ask you all if you’re actually serious about this site? Some of this advice is absolutely terrible. I really don’t understand how you can publish this at all. Honestly, if you’re serious, you could do better than give out the advice that you give.

You know. It never ceases to amaze me how often people seem to blow right past the various tag line mentions on the site. Additionally, I’m amazed that most people seem to miss the actual NAME of the site itself. Honestly folks, is reading comprehension that hard? Jesus.

And are we serious? Have you not read the “About Page?” I mean seriously. It’s right there:

“Deviant Advice is built on the idea that people don’t want “advice” per se, they just want someone to tell them to go ahead and go through with whatever insane plan that they are concocting in their heads. So that’s what we decided to do.”

See, we’re not really giving advice, we’re just telling people mostly what they want to hear anyways. So of course this site sucks to some of you, you’re the type of people we DON’T want reading our site. If you’re honestly looking for good, reliable advice, then run the hell away from here. If you just want someone to give the go-ahead to your stupidity, or you just want to be entertained, then stick around.

Remember: BAD advice for GOOD people.

You know, people who can actually fucking read.

It’s actually a pretty good question and something that I really hadn’t much considered until I got asked this question. I took the time to soul search and really investigate what about me made me so deviant. The entirety of my existence was taken into consideration. As I dove deeper and deeper into my psyche, I began to…

Wait. No. No, that’s not it at all. I realized that, honestly, being deviant comes down to five (that would be 5) little points:

1. You’ve gone beyond “looking out for number one.” In fact, you conisder yourself so damned important that you wonder why people aren’t grovelling at your feet.
2. You actually though Denis Leary’s “Asshole” song was about you.
3. You were disappointed when it wasn’t.
4. You actually know the difference between “The Rocker,” “The Shocker,” and “The Showstopper.”
5. You read this site.

Ok. So maybe this list isn’t fully comprehensive. To be honest, there’s lots of things that make one deviant. However, the lines aren’t always 100% clear, but who cares. You’re deviant, right? Absolutely. So what do YOU feel makes YOU a Deviant? Leave something in the comments!

My problem is but a simple one: Why does my life suck so bad?

-RF, Austin

Well RF, suckage happens for oh so many reasons. Let’s delve into a few:

1) You’re ugly. Ugly people just flat-out have horrible lives. If you aren’t pretty then you’re just shit out of luck. Solution? Plastic surgery or try to develop a great personality and be able to tell fart jokes.

2) You’re stupid. Stupid people actually don’t realize their lives suck because, well, they’re stupid. So skip this.

3) You’re poor. Poor people can’t afford to have good lives. Oh what’s that? Money can’t buy happiness? Well, no, but it sure as hell rents it real nice doesn’t it? Exactly. People with money can buy nice lives and, in the end, that’s one of the keys to happiness. Solution? Rob a bank, file a lawsuit, or hope for the lottery. And yes, do those in that order. (note: don’t rob a bank, idiot).

4) You’re Ryan Reynolds. (Hey, whats wrong with him? He’s kinda cute) This should be self-explanatory. Solution: don’t be Ryan Reynolds, duh.

Well RF, maybe that’s the core of it. There are really only three reasons why life sucks. Solution ? Don’t be ugly, broke, or stupid. And if you’re Ryan Reynolds, just kill yourself.

Vern’s wisdom absolutely eclipses his years spent living as a bona-fide redneck from Oklahoma. Armed with real-life experiences (and a plethora of “hey y’all, watch THIS!” experiences), Vernablo brings a practical, earthy tenor to Deviant Advice.

Congratulations and welcome to the fold, Vern!

Seriously. It’s time to go ahead and just be upfront about this. All those crazy stories you tell? Total lies. Complete bullshit. Pure and utter fabrications.  However, that’s ok. And here’s why:

Your life is boring, ok? Don’t try to issue me justifications or any of your “really, I lead an interesting life” excuses. Life as we know it is boring. People who have adventurous lives probably aren’t sitting in middle-management, making barely enough to really care about their jobs. They’re actually out there living an interesting life. So there’s the unabashed truth and you might as well come to terms with it. Your life, is boring. Got it? Great.

So that’s where good story-telling skills come in oh-so-handy. No one wants to hear about that time you and your buddies got drunk as shit on the lake and ended up passing out and waking up in the morning with a dick and balls drawn on your forehead. However, when you take out the personal graffiti and instead talk about going into town while drunk, flirting with everything in the bar that had a vagina, getting someone’s boyfriend pissed off, then hooking up with his now-ex and her freakishly hot girlfriend (from Canada, no less), well, you’ve got quite the audience now, eh? And that, my friend, is why you make up the crap you do.

So what to do if your story-telling skills are lacking? Well, that’s why we’re here. We’ve got you covered.

1) Remember that you have to still be believable. So if you’re a 98-pound acne-ridden basement-dwelling loser, most folks won’t believe that you can do anything short of crank out a good webpage. Don’t even try.

2) Location location location. That’s to say, keep things OUT of where you live, but not too far. You have to figure that if your “adventure” is within a couple counties, you’re probably pretty safe as most folks won’t feel compelled to go check your story out. However, you announce that this happened in another state (and don’t include other vacation-related details) and most folks will pretty much call bullshit right away.

3) Names are important. Most in-experienced bullshitters will tell you “no names, no names,” but they’re morons who will easily waffle under any scrutiny. You will not be that person. You will PROUDLY proclaim any and all names that seem relevant.

4) Remembering those names is equally as important.

5) Where you tell the story is just as important. While it’s tempting to bust one out at work, you really want to wait until sometime outside of work hours for your best material. It’s better if you can do it in the presence of alchohol as it tends to loosen inhibitions and, to your advantage, dulls bullshit filters. The other benefit is that the story then spreads and, if you tell it correctly, takes on folklore dimensions. Soon it’s not just your story, it’s EVERYONE’S story, which is what you ultimately want.

And there you have it. Five easy steps to help ensure that your bland, boring life is really anything but.

Reminds me of this one time I went camping…

You know, you are part of why people are afraid of the internet. People like you who spew nothing but hate are vile and should be banned from posting.

Well, here’s the funny thing about the Internet (and it IS capitalized, you dolt)… no one makes you read any one particular site. It’s like TV and radio, no one makes you watch a program or listen to a particular station. People like you seem to want to just police everything and create some sort of homogenized existence and, well, it’s just moronic. You can’t handle diversity, so you would just rather shut it all away. That’s fine. You’re obviously allowed to be that way.

And one final thing… when you come to the site it even SAYS that it’s “Bad Advice for Good People,” so it’s not like I’m hiding my intent here.

I’m 27 and I’m a virgin. To make it worse, I don’t know if I’m gay. What do I do?

- JH, Lincoln

Wow JH. That sounds like one hell of a dilemma there. I dunno if I want to be in your position at all. But then, I’m not as flexible as I used to be, so most positions for me are a bit difficult. (oh dear god… -ed)

So, that said, let’s get into this and do it right.

JH, the answer to your problem is hookers my friend. Oh sure, you are probably sitting there thinking that your first time has to be filled with romance and love and unicorns or something, but the reality is that’s all a crock of crap. Sex is pretty much an animalistic activity (which is why we were kicked out of that petting zoo -ed) and there’s little romance. Yes yes, there’s folks out there who pull out the whole “I love to make love” routine, but they’re just idiots who, frankly, haven’t a damn clue as to what sex is about… which is basically busting a nut and -if you’re smooth enough- getting breakfast out of the deal.

So yes JH. Hookers. Don’t be afraid to pay for sex. After all, it’s damn liberating to know that the other person is there just to ensure that you get off. Plus you avoid other unpleasantries like witty conversation, remembering names, or asking “are you ok? did you get off?” Oh sure, that seems like my usual snarky advice, but this time it’s absolute truth. It makes things so much easier when you’re just concerned with getting off and then kicking the other person the hell out of your house. Now, before you go picking up some random vagina/peener, there are some things to take into consideration:

1) They don’t love you. They just want your cash and, in some instances, for you to let their sister go (don’t ask) (you couldn’t respond anyways due to that “lawsuit” thing… -ed).

2) For the love of God, don’t go cruising the local streets looking for your first/next adventure. After all, cops just LOVE to bust for prostitution. If you do insist on (stupidly) cruising for strange, at least be weary when they ask YOU to set the price. Of course, even if you drive away you’re still screwed, so seriously… look up a local agency.

3) Skip the romance. When they come to you (and make sure it’s a hotel, don’t be stupid and invite them back to your place from the get go, make sure to have the money out and ready to go. If you INSIST on some form of romance, then put the money into an (unsealed) envelope. Draw hearts on it if you must, but no one’s going to care because, again, they don’t love you.

4) Be prepared. Even though they are most always prepared for those who chose not to plan ahead, you at least want to give the appearance that you have half a brain in your skull, so keep condoms handy. You get double points if you keep dental dams handy in case you want to venture south of the border on your Miss Right Now (cause you at least want to seem like the suave motherfucker you are).

5) Seriously, they don’t love your ass at all. In fact, the instant they leave, they’ll completely forget your name. In fact, they’ll likely forget you actually have a name. While you might be lying there in some sort of post-orgasmic bliss, they’re probably trying to remember if they paid the water bill or not. And that leads to the final consideration…

6) You don’t love them. Yes yes, you’ve probably seen “Pretty Woman” and thought “wow. wouldn’t that be great?” and the answer is fuck NO. It would be a horrendous life to live since, well, the person is in the job because it’s easy money and they have some vague form of fun. If they’re doing it to land a life partner or such, then you’re going to have to really wonder what the hell they’re doing. And it’s probably a greater likelihood that you can’t trust them. So don’t fall in love with them and decide you want to take care of them. It’s just retarded.

And that, JH, is how you’re going to bust that first nut. Oh and BI the way, you’re probably bi. So save up your lunch money and get a dude and a chick. It might be the best $225 + expenses you’ve ever spent.

What? I do a lot of reserach, I know things. Get off my back ok?

(he likes a finger in the butt when I blow him -ed)

You see, there are people out there who absolutely live to tear apart those things that people love. It’s very natural and is something you should look out for. The reason why is that this stops you from going all stupid on the Internet and professing your absolute and undying love for whatever it is that you are absolutely in undying love with. People like that are often pretentious and probably deserve to be beaten to within an inch of their lives anyways. So, clearly, you don’t want to be that person. So what to do?

Well, be subtle and calm about it. Feel free to talk about your passions, but try to condense it. Like you recent “Twilight” fans. Seriously, shut up. You all make absolutely no sense.. unless you’re 14 or something, then I understand. However, if you’re a suburbanite housewife who’s 45.. you need to rethink your life ok? Great. So anyways, yes.. Uhm. Love whatever you love, but do try and occasionally shut up about it.

As we’ve stated, here at Deviant Advice we’re about more than just giving you fantastically warped advice. We’re here to also help improve you as a person. Of course, we do put out the occasional How To, but we feel that’s not enough. As a result, we’ve introduced the “Rules For Living” series. Hope you enjoy them!

HELP OMGLOL.

My roomate is a pretty good guy, but he wears short shorts. I mean, REALLY short fucking shorts. It’s like he wants to create a male camel toe or something. If he were gay, I’d be all “ok” cause that’s what gay dudes do. But he’s straight. What do I do?

- CE, Pasadena

Well. There is the time-honored tradition of shooting him directly in the junk with a high-powered rifle but that does seem to be a bit of an extreme solution. Although I have to admit, forming a male camel toe does seem to merit extreme reactions.

I’d also like to point out that the proper verbage there is “smuggling olives.”

Anywho. So you have few choices here. There’s the aforementioned (and ostensibly illegal) “Gun Method” and then there’s my personal favorite, eHumiliation.

You see, CE (clever. please stop -ed), your friend is sending you a message. That message is “I have no goddam clue what I’m doing, please help me.” It’s YOUR job as his roomate (and even moreso because you are his MALE roomate) to help cure him of this problem and humiliation will be your fastest path to clearing this up. After all, there’s more at stake here than just fashion. I mean, most women I know would see that, assume he’s gay, assume you’re gay, and suddenly you start being her best friend and, in general, acting out “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry,” except it won’t end with you scoring the hot chick. Nono, you’ll end up with her wanting to hook you up with her really nice gay friend who weighs about 400 pounds, has a “great personality” and smells like a week-old sandwich. Goddamit Laura, I still hate you…

Uhm. Yes. So yeah, you need to take care of this so that YOUR prospects don’t dry up. My friend, you’re going to have to make his life miserable. Of course, there’s a plan for this.

Step 1) Get photographic proof of this horrible choice in leisure-wear. Now, this part is going to be tricky since you either have to have a decent zoom, or you’re going to have to get right up on his junk. Either way, God help you.

Step 2) Post the HELL out of that thing. MySpace, FaceBook, FriendFeed, Twitter, Forums, his Grandmother’s email address.. just get that thing out there to as many people as you can.

The ensuing wave of “Dude, are you gay?” or “Dude, are you high?” or “Duuude” will likely knock him out of whatever catatonic stupor he’s in and make him realize that he’s doing something that, well, really shouldn’t be done unless you weigh 85 pounds, have a vagina, or are that really annoying gay kid from that Chuck and Larry film. Don’t ge tme wrong, I’m not gay.. but that dude actually made short shorts look good.

I mean, you know, yeah.

Good luck!

Deviant Advice?

OMG U R SO MEAN!

OMG, Learn to fucking type.

I recently lost my job and was given an enormous severence. Now I have the money needed to start my own business and the time to do it. But if this doesn’t work, I don’t know what I’ll do. Should I do this?

- MC, Tulsa

MC, I have two words for you: Fuck YES! Seriously. Most people are going to argue that now is the worst time to start a business, but they’re dead wrong and you need to ignore the hell out of them. Sure, your business is going to go slow at first due to our economy, but that’s also going to work towards your advantage since property owners are probably going to be dropping rents like crazy to get businesses in. And then, of course, there will be LOTS of programs opening up soon to get small business back into circulation. So now is THE time to get off your ass and claim your destiny.

However, you need to be careful. It really does depend on what kind of business you’re starting. Don’t be stupid and open up something no one is going to care about (like a church or something). Make sure that the business you’re starting is needed… like a porn shop. Everyone loves a porn shop! And if you do, make sure you cut us a discount. After all, we told you to do it.

50% sounds perfect!

Quick note. I’m going to slightly redo the hate mail section. Currently it’s just a page that I update when I get particularly exciting hate mail. However, I think I’m going to change it to where I create separate posts from each email that I feel compelled enough to share and answer.

Until I get it all running, I’ll leave the current Hate Mail page up. Then I’ll figure out some snazzy way to display it later on.

That’s it for now. Got an article in the queue that should be publishing around 11am PST, so stay tuned!

I’m not gay, I’m bi. But no one knows about it. Every one I know thinks I’m straight. I want to tell people i’m bi, is this bad?

- KL,  Manhattan

Is it bad? No. Greedy? Yup, sure as hell is! But who cares.

Honestly KL, your orientation shouldn’t matter to anyone, least of all you. Why? Well, it’s just not anyone’s business or concern. It doesn’t really say anything about you, except that you’re greedy (guess who spent most of his college days not dating? -ed).  There’s really no need to “come out” or anything like that, unless you happen to prefer men over women. If you’re just out for the occasional wang, then you’re bi with hetero tendencies. However, if you crave schlong and only occasionally prefer some vajayjay (goddamit Oprah, I hate you), then you’re bi with homo tendencies. It really is that simple.

Of course, you’re likely to come up against some opposition if you tell people what trips your trigger, blows your hair back, renders your type, puts the bomp in your bomp shebompshebomp, makes you orgasm (sorry, creativity running low). Some folks will likely accuse you of being greedy and indecisive (you’re just greedy, deal with it) and others will say you’re  a horrible monster. Obviously, you just need to ignore these idiots and go on about your greedy life.

Greedy. (issues? -ed)

This is my deal. I like to get high on occasion, but the husband isn’t into it. I used to get high all the time before we got married and I really miss it. Should I stay with him?

- TM, Washington DC

Seriously TM, I don’t even know where to start.

Well, maybe I do.

The fact of the matter is, you made a conscious choice to change a behavior in order to get married to this guy. Boy, were YOU stupid. Changing parts of yourself for no good reason is simply beyond retarded. Since you still crave the chronic, it’s quite obvious you still want to get high. So why stay with this? Clearly, it isn’t working for you.

This isn’t going to be easy, especially since your hobby includes getting baked out of your mind from time to time. There’s a very real chance that you might actually forget what you’re doing, as you’re doing it. So do yourself a favor and write little notes, or take along a trusted friend just in case.  During the whole process, your ex-to-be is likely going to take one of three approaches:

beg you to stay, but with the current restrictions in effect (most likely)
agree to let you toke up every now and again (less likely)
go absolutely insane and start accusing you of being a horrible drug user and never amounting to anything and blah blah blah (pretty damn likely)

Of course, if he does take option two there (hey, it could happen) then that’s likely going to open up a whole other can o’ worms. He’s either going to be constantly resenting you, or -worse- he’s going to suddenly become your best pal and soking buddy. And, honestly, if he does start allowing it, are you willing to take a chance on having  marriage based on spite when, in fact, most marriages are based on outlandish lies? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

So TM, it really seems like there’s only one solution. Get the hell out of there.

And pick me up some brownies. I’m seriously fucking hungry after all this writing about pot.

My father was out of my life for the better part of it. Now, he’s trying to get back into touch with me and it’s just making things worse. Thankfully, he doesn’t know where I live, so I try to dodge his phone calls and that sorta works. But I jusdt cave in and call him back. What do I do? Like I said, I need serious advice.

- MD, Penobscot

Honestly MD, we here at Deviant Advice pretty much keep it locked on the “Deviant” setting for all the obvious reasons. It’s a cornerstone of who we are. Yes, we wrap up the advice in a metric fuckton (I looked it up. It’s “shit-tonne” – ed) of snark, but we’re still pretty serious. Ok, so maybe we weren’t really advocating that the guy in “Rogaine Pills and Other Lies” kill himself, but the spirit is there. So yes. Our advice always comes with a complimentary serving of snark. It’s on the house.

Here’s our take on your situation. You don’t want to talk to him, obviously, so you just need to cut him off. Yes, there’s the whole “he’ll always be family and family is all you have,” but you’ve certainly made it through a pretty large portion of your life without him, so obviously family isn’t all you have. So call up the cell phone company and change your number as quickly as you can. Since he doesn’t know where you live, you can pretty much vanish on him with no real trace. Unfortunately, this also means you’re going to have to exercise some impressive crowd control on the remaining parts of your family that you do like and may also be in contact with him. And yes, you’re going to catch an impressive amount of hell for this decision, but that’s just all part of the process, so get used to it.

Of course, we’d be remiss if we didn’t at least tell you once “try and work it out with him, after all, he IS your father.” Honestly tho, screw it. He walked out on you, right? Of course, reacting out of spite really doesn’t accomplish anything, but who cares. It’ll make you feel better. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of crap and you should stab them. Well, maybe not stab them, but maybe a stab-like motion.

I really need help. I’m about to set off for a week of charity work.. but I really really don’t want to go. I would prefer to stay home and sleep. Is this ok? Am I a bad person? I can handle it if i am.

- AD, St. Paul

AD, you’re a HORRIBLE person. All of those people who could probably use your help are now suffering without it. You could be making the difference in someone’s life that makes ALL the difference. After all, sometimes people just need a hand up, you know?

Oh screw it. I really can’t keep this crap up. AD, you’re not a horrible person, you’re an HONEST person. When it comes to charity, I just have them deduct some from my paycheck at my “real” job. Why? Because I’m damned lazy. Plus, to be honest, I don’t want to be around poor people. They’re unwashed and gross. Yes, this makes me a horrible human being.. but for Christ’s sake, you’re at a site called DEVIANT Advice. So I’m pretty sure you aren’t here because you expect me to be up for a Nobel prize right? Right.

So AD, go ahead and hit the snooze button and rest assured. Or hit the snooze button and lounge in bed in your pj’s, watching The View, and wondering if you really could get off on Joy Behar. Now THAT’s charity.

AH, Ft Stockton

What’s a girl to do? Well, honesty is a GREAT start. Just be honest to your groom-to-be. Tell him straight up “Look… I love you and all, but there is some FREAKY shit I like to do and I need to know I can still do that.” Then you go and make some retarded-ass promise to him about how your love will always be pure, he’ll have your heart, blah blah blah. That last part, skip that. Seriously. Don’t treat him like he’s a moron. If you tell him that you need the freedom to be able to go have a nice freaky-sex session involving candles, blindfolds, swim fins, an EZ Bake Oven, and a gallon of sealant, and he still agrees to marry you… you’re in. That’s all there is to it. Hell, maybe HE might be wanting some freedom of his own. Ever think of that?

You do say, however, that you have cold feet. So what’s the deal here really? Do you not want to be married? Did you say yes after this guy made some empassioned plea? Oh my god… this is a Guilt-ing isn’t it? You know, the horrible combination of Guilt and a Wedding? Christ, EJECT! Eject eject eject! Get outta there Goose! (I actually deleted a reference to “Danger Zone”… you’re welcome. -ed) There is absolutely nothing worse than entering into a semi-binding legal agreement with another human being based purely on the fact that you don’t have the spine to crust their will to live by saying “No.”  So if this is the case, break it off now. In fact, be inventive.. break it off via a video of you doing someone else! “Look.. it’s just not wor.. wo.. oh my god.. worKING!!”

This post brought to you by the fact that I am a total prick…

I’m a lesbian. At least, I thought I was a lesbian. My best friend is this guy I just met when I started this job, about two years ago. Everything’s been ok up until the last 6 months. I can’t stop thinking about him. And now I think I’m in love with him. What do I do? And no, I don’t have a partner right now, I’m single.

AM, Scranton

You know, AM, it’s times like this that I absolutely love my job.

There’s only one answer here. FUCK HIM. Seriously. Why do you care about your orientation? Think you’re a lesbian but want a good dickin’? Then you’re bisexual, congratulations. Now shut up and get laid. Do you feel some sort of obligation to keep wanting to be anti-wiener? If so, why? It’s not like all the lesbians out there have some rule book that says “once you go pink, you’re fucking locked into this decision until the end of your life” (worst slogan ever -ed). At least, the lesbians I talk to don’t. So you really shouldn’t care either.

There is one thing you probably want to change though. Using the word “partner.” Honestly people, just call them what they are. If you’re a lesbian, then she’s your Girlfriend, or your Wife. Are you a gay dude? Boyfriend or Husband. That’s probably the one thing that drives me absolutely batshit crazy about some of the gay folks. Other than that, y’all are cool. Especially the hot lesbian couples. *mmmmmm* Hot Lesbians (best band name EVAR -ed).

So, in short, enjoy the dick. And if his name is Richard, call him Dick.

Penis.

So ther’s this girl I’m dating. Actually, we’re not dating anymore. But neither of us wants to leave the apartment. We spent months finding this place and it’s perfect. Apartments in this town are harder than shit to find, so I don’t know what to do. Any ideas here from the Deviant folks?

- FD, Manhattan

FD, it takes some serious stones to actually stay with a woman you profess to not like. Unless you all are actually in some sort of wierd FWB situation, then I guess that’s ok.

But, if you can’t stand her and you’re staying for just the apartment, then you’re a total moron. Seriously, Man up Nancy. Either pack your shit and go, or else change the locks on the skank while she’s at work (before she does it to you). Still having trouble deciding? Then look at it this way: who makes more money? If you bring home the bacon, then boot her ass at the first opportunity. If she’s the money-bringer, then get out while you can and let her deal with the mess. Unless you two did some stupid shit and decided only one of you needed to be on the lease. then whoever has the lease gets to keep it. Hopefully you or her weren’t that ignorant of reality (aren’t we doing that though? -ed).

But I can imagine you don’t want to figure it out on your own. That’s why you write in. So here’s how it’s going to go down… and bear in mind that I’m assuming you are both on the lease.

One day, you’re going to stay home when she goes to work. Or else you’re going to go, but then come back after a few moments and pretty much box up all of her crap, change the locks, and let nature take its course. If you’ve been put through the hell of  a bad breakup (this is sounding like a movie, you know.. -ed), then it’s only right.

So there. Oh yeah, pee on something of hers as well and bury it in a box. Trust me, it makes it that much sweeter.

I want to unfollow my best friend because his tweets are just not funny. Does this make me a bad person?

- BF, Lexington

Ahh technology and friendship. Two things that invariably collide and cause untold amounts of chaos and destruction. I always love these moments.

BF, do it. Pull the trigger and kill the Twitter relationship. After all, it’s not like it’s a major part of the friendship, or is it? If this friend freaks out over the loss of some random (well, not so random, but I digress -you always do -ed) cyber-stalker, then there’s some major issues that need to be worked out at some point before they decide to climb up into a bell tower with a rifle and a box of Slim Jims (oooooyeah! -ed). If they get all huffy and ask why, you have two choices; honesty, or kindness. Honesty (because you’re an unfunny twat, ok?) is going to be tougher than kindness (we talk every day already). so my advice here is to just be kind. Cut the virtual cord and go on about your life. If they persist in bugging you, then just add them back and then quietly block them and call it a day. After all, lies are part of what makes a friendship work anyways.

I fear I will be single forever because I have issues with love and intimacy. Do you think that watching porn does this to me?

- DM, Madison

Well DM, it’s like this.

Yes.

Nonono. That’s not right. Has porn done that to you? Are you insane? Retarded? Seriously. What has porn done for you other than get you off? Nothing. Nothing at all. If you have issues with intimacy, it’s just because you have issues in general and watching some girl blow a guy through a picket fence in an attempt to cure his raging erection so that he can free himself from the fence-bondage and go back into the house in order to resume pleasing his well-hung boyfriend isn’t really going to do much for that (wtf.. -ed). All it’s going to is remind you that, well, you can’t get laid.

So what to do? Honestly, go out and get your heart stomped on. The only real way to get over intimacy issues is to treat it like a bandaid. Just rip that sucker and get over the 3 seconds of blinding pain. After that, it gets pretty easy.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe I have a fence to mend…

So I’m in love wiht this guy, but he’s just so……… he’s not manly enough really. I love him allot and I could totally marry him, but I know he won’t ask me cuz he’s not really manly. He likes to talk about poetry and flowers and going on nature walks and stuff. Sometimes I wish he would just throw me on the bed and get freaky with me, you know? LOL. I’m not into anything crazy, but I really wish he’d do something other than finger me a whole bunch and then finish up with normal sex. DA, what can I do?

- DD, Chanute

I don’t even know where to start off with this. Oh wait, yes I do.

Congratulations, you’re a beard. Not sure what that is? Well, let’s let the folks over at Urban Dictionary take a crack at it:

And DD, that’s YOU. Let me explain just how I figured this out.

1. “I’m in love with this guy, but…” pretty much tells me you aren’t actually in love with this guy. He just happens to be filling a need at the moment.
2. “At the moment” also tends to be your vagina on occasion.
3. The fact that sex with him is mostly him fingering you and then somewhat grunting a few times inside of you implies either you’re disgusting on some level (possible) or he’s gay (probable)
4. Poetry + Flowers + Nature Walks – Oral Sex = he’s gay sweetie. He’s probably gayer than gay. In fact, even Richard Simmons would go “Damn. He’s gay.”

Now, don’t be sad. It could be worse. I don’t know how, but I’m sure it could be worse. Oh wait. I know. You could be totally playing the part of the young Ryan Reynolds character in “Best Friends.” Yow him, that fat kid with the retainer who loved his BFF so much and wanted to cram his sausage fingers into her pep squad poon but she never would even notice his advances until later on he becomes insanely rich and successful and then he finds her in a local dive bar and realizes that her life went to crap while he worked hard on his and then he’s a jerk to her and she calls him on it and then, eventually, they get together and it all ends out well. Yeah. That could be you. So the moral here is don’t be Ryan Reynolds. Or fat. Or hit on your best friend. Scratch that, just don’t be Ryan Reynolds.

So yes. You are a beard. It’s going to suck, but it’s got some upsides. If you just let him gay it on up you’ll have unlimited access to gay male porn. From my extensive research (translation: asking me -ed), I’ve discovered that straight women LOVE teh gay porns (which I don’t -ed). So if you’re like a normal straight woman, then you have live porn just waiting to be had in front of you. So go for that.

Second, this guy’s gay and they are just SUPER popular right now because most of the country still has no clue that being gay means nothing. People still assume it’s some exotic personality quirk and just go nuts over it and that both confuses and amuses gay folks to no end.  So finding out that you are in direct contact with one? Pure. Win. Seriously. Granted, after about two weeks of these people going gaga, you’re going to want to murder all of them, but cross that bridge when you come to it ok?

Third, he’s touching you. So maybe he’s at least bi. “Half of something is better than all of nothing” and all that, you know?

Super!

If you’r ereading this through the RSS feed, then stop on by the newly-decorated DeviantAdvice.com. New theme, added the original logo back. We’re starting to look like a real website. Go us! Well, go me since it’s just me and all.

Come by today!

I actually got up off my ass this weekend and set up a contact form. I even tested it and it works! So now it’s even easier to send me requests. So send one in today!

BTW: the form DOES ask for your email. This is for contact purposes only in case I need clarification. I don’t sell addresses or anything like that. I don’t send out email blasts either. If you want to keep up with us, feel free to hit our Twitter feed. Thanks much!

Help me please! I’m at the end of my rope here. My boyfriend is absolutely obsessed and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s World of Warcraft that he’s obsessed with. He’s playing the stupid game CONSTANTLY. It’s like he’s living out a second life in there and I don’t. I tried to play a couple of times, but I could care less about Night Zombies or Undead Bulls or whatever it is. I don’t understand why he’s so into this game and not, say, me. I bet you guys know what I’m talking about, right?

-SC, Topeka

I think we can just stop right here…

Let me be clear. I’m goddam pissed off. What’s with this stupid “Princess” bullshit? Even my girlfriend is into it. She always calls herself “Princess” and has the “Stop for the Princess” license plate thing. She always makes these jokes about how I’m her servant and such. What the hell? Do I dare stand up and remind her that Princesses were subservient to their princes? Do I just grin and bear it? I’m about ready to dethrone her!

- VK, Jonesboro

Honestly VK, we’re not totally sure about it ourselves. Frankly, we think it’s just a selfish thing that we can probably trace back to Oprah (don’t you blame her for everything anyways? – ed), or someone. Hell if we know, but we agree it’s damn stupid. We do have a theory though, and it goes like this…

Your girlfriend was probably told by either her drunk Mom or her emotionally-retarded Dad that, by golly, she was special. She was more than the girl who was likely raised in a mobile home park somewhere in the South. In fact, they probably told her that the world was hers for the taking and that should could be anything she wanted. She could be a model, the President, an astronaut, or anything she could imagine. So she took this to heart as a child and thought “hey. I could even be a Princess” (despite having no lands or title, but hey…). Of course, eventually the harsh grip of reality took hold and she realized what being a Princess meant and realized that it wasn’t in the cards for her. So she put the thought away and went on about adulthood. Well, then she hits some strange second adolescence. Suddenly she thought “Hey, so I can’t be a real Princess,  but I can act like one and it’ll be cute.” So she just cutes it up and starts dazzling people (that’d be you, by the way) with her “charm.”

Son, you’re dating Britney Spears.. run.

So maybe I’m just strange, but my girlfriend and I are… I think we’re growing apart. I love her totally and we’re even talking about moving to California to get married. Well, we were at least. Anyways, so we really love each, or so I thought. I came in one day and she’s watching porn, HET PORN. Some guy and some girl having sex. She always told me she was just into girls and didn’t like men at all, but now this? What’s the deal? Is she really straight? Is she bi? I don’t know what’s going on.

- SA, Houston

Well SA, I really don’t envy your position at all. I mean, you all have read to access to both watch AND make lesbian portn. Do either of you realize what you’re sitting on there? I mean, if you’re hot then holy SHIT you could be making BANK! But no… you sound like someone who believes in silly things like “love” and “honesty” and “telling people your real last name.” All great concepts that don’t work out in real life anyways (you mean your last name isn’t Schwarzendepp? -ed), so why not just abandon that now and save yourself some crap later.

So is she bi? Straight? Gay? Honestly, who cares. As long as she still gives you the good lezbo love, then it’s all good right? Of course it is! So why not USE it. She likes watching het porn, then fire it up on occasion. It’s not like it’s JUST about you, ya know? So maybe she needs a little dick in her oatmeal (wtf? I’m checking your browser history -ed) on occasion, it’s not like it’s going to kill you. So don’t be afraid to get your freak on and watch some hot 19-year old destroy her hopes, dreams, morals, cervix for $350/day. Trust me, every now and again me and the girlfriend fire up a little crazy stuff (penguins aren’t erotic.. they simply aren’t, stop it! -ed) and let our imaginations run free. I don’t feel any different towards her and she doesn’t feel different towards me. Sure, she cries more often, but that’s normal right?

I feel so bad. Years ago I lost the man who I loved so much because I couldn’t stop being selfish. Now he’s gone forever and I don’t know what to do so that I can move on. It hurts to know that I made such a mistake. How do I fix this?

- DC, Burlington

Oh wow DC. Now that’s a situation you got there. They say that time heals all wounds and, certainly, time shall heal yours. That said, it sounds like there’s some key lessons you can glean from this.

1) Selfishness… glad you figured out that you were selfish. It’s best if you involve the other partner in your relationship instead of just treating it like some emotional land-grab, so good for you for getting your head out of your ass.

2) Loss… it’s good that you know you lost him forever. Maybe next time you’ll actually participate in the relationship, which always helps.

3) Fixing it… you can’t. You fucked up and now it’s too late. Just try to keep the points where you screwed up in mind and don’t duplicate those mistakes. It’s pretty damn simple, really.

And that’s the biggest piece of advice I can give you here. Realize you fucked up don’t repeat the same fuck-ups and you’ll be good.

Ok. This is embarassing. My boyfriend totally wants to be one of those UFC/MMA fighters. He “trains” all the time and talks about entering the local fights here, but he never does. It’s good though, because he’d get his ass kicked in seconds. I really do want him to be happy, but I also want him to realize that he really can’t make this work. Deviant Advice, how do I break this news to him?

- CH, Ann Arbor

Well CH, we here at Deviant Advice think you’re absolutely wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. You should go the other way and heavily encourage your boyfriend to get into the octagon as soon as he can. Why not? What’s the worst that could happen?

Well, yeah… there’s that whole “get the crap beat out of you and be embarassed in front of everyone you know” thing, but that’s small potatoes compared to the knowledge that you actually went out and went after something you totally believed in.  Of course, the fact that the “something” involves you getting the crap kicked out of you just makes it more entertaining beause we all get to watch you fail as it happens. It’s wonderful really and, frankly, helps us feel better about the kinds of people we are… which is Horrible People.

So CH, get behind me and encourage him. Tell him that he has what it takes to get out there and spar with that lanky meth-head who’s known to occasionally fight people for a sandwich. You don’t need the skills of Tito Ortiz, Georges St Pierre, or even Chuck Liddell. All you need is heart.

And one HELL of an insurance plan.

Let’s get it on!!

I have a lot of vision for the site and one of those is to make it into a great destination that people love to come to (not to mention love to advertise on!). In trying to figure out just how I’m going to do this, I’ve considered several options, but the one that makes the most sense is to make it more interactive through you all.

In the coming months, I will be examining various ways to get you all in on the excitement. At the moment, I currently have a DISQUS comment system in place and run the site on WordPress. I think it’s a great combination, but I’m not entirely certain that it will suit my needs of being able to allow you all to post advice requests and allow folks to answer those requests. Of course, I’m always happy to get suggestions as the site is built to entertain you all, so it needs to reflect you all.

That’s it for now. Thanks for being a reader and I hope you’re having a Deviant Day!

She’s about to get married and it’s to the WRONG GUY. He’s AWFUL. He treats her like crap, but she doesn’t see it. Last time we all went out for “girl’s night out” he texted her like a million times to see what she was doing. If she didn’t text back fast enough for him, he’d call her and ask her what she was doing, if she was drunk, and other stuff. He’s a control freak and I think that her marrying him is wrong. What do I do Deviants? Do I let her do this, or do I stand up when the preacherman says “If anyone objects…” Help help help!

- MR, Puyallup

Well MR, you’ve got quite the dilemma there. Thankfully, we’ve got a great solution for you and it goes a little somethin like this:

Mind your own damn business.

Nonono, we kid, we kid. Honestly, it’s great that you really want to stand up for your friend and be there for her, but you’re really gonna have to just let this go and wait for the whole thing to fuck up on its own. Sure, it’s going to suck a whole bunch for you since you have to watch your friend go through some miserable hell for God only knows how long, but you’re just gonna have to man up about this one and let it go. And here’s why.

Your friend gets this craptacular treatment from this guy right? Well, she’s either 1) retarded or 2) ok with it since he fulfills some need for her. I’m guessing it’s 2 since most state agencies don’t clear retards to marry all that often (despite what “Life Goes On” attempted to teach you). So let’s go down this road. She’s managed to find some measure of happiness with this jackass, enough to make her look past his jackassery (I should have never let you go to Mexico, now all you talk about are donkeys -ed) and go “sure, I can marry this guy.” So she decides to go through with it and, in her world, all is well cause she’s got a potential husband. So then you come boppin along on her special day and decide that, in a dashing show of heroism, you’re going to save her. So now the entire wedding party is looking at you and not her and, for extra fun, you come off like a screeching harpy who’s pissed that your friend is getting married. Besides, the only thing that’s really gonna happen when you stand up is that someone -quite possibly the minister- is just going to tell you to STFU and sit your meddling ass down. Net effect: zilch.

Now you got a friend who thought she was getting hitched, now has this interruption, and you’re there looking like a fool. Since you don’t like this guy (and something tells me that it’s a mutual dislike) you’ve just handed him enough ammo to prevent her from seeing you until we have a black Presi… er,  until the next time Haley’s Comet comes around. So this isn’t your best move.  If you want to save her, you’re going to have to let her fall on her ass.

Now, this whole thing is wrong if this guy abuses her physically. If that’s the case, then you really don’t need to be standing up in the middle of a wedding. You need to be calling the police if you actually witness it happening, or else encourage her to call the police. However, if it’s just that you feel he’s a bad match for her, then you really need to just chill out and let her figure that out on her own.

Like we said: “Mind your own damn business.”

This is so hard for me. I just realized that I want to move to someplace other than where I live. I’ve lived in this town my whole entire life and want something else. But I don’t want to leave my friends and family. I’m so scared, what do I do?”

- ER, Tyler

Well ER, it’s like this… move.

Sure, you’re scared, it’s understandable. But you’ve got to really take a chance and just get out there in the world. Go have a grand adventure and live it up. Go out and take chances, get hurt, hate humanity, consider selling your blood to make rent this month. Life has a lot of interesting sides to it and, well, you should experience as many of them as possible so that it rounds you out as a person.

Yup, you’re gonna be far far away from everything you’ve ever know and, well, you’ll get over that pretty quick. Moving can be a liberating experience and can really open the world up to you. Or else it will knock you down, steal your wallet, and then post that picture of your girlfriend that you keep in there on the Internet. You know the one, that pic of her at the petting zoo and (edited because, dammit, you said there wasn’t any film in there -ed). Life is good and bad, that’s the reality. So pull up stakes, hitch up your wagon (you’re from Texas, that has to mean something to you), and hit the trail to something new and exciting. If you get a chance, drop us a comment on this entry and let us know how you’re doing.

Here’s my situation.  I love my girl. Love her to death. We have a lot of fun together and she’s the best thing to ever happen to me. What makes it fun is that she’s a bit freaky and she likes to do some crazy stuff. We’ve talked about threesomes, but she seems shy about it. I told her that I’m cool if she wants to hook up with other people, but she always says she doesn’t want to.

So then we come to a couple weeks ago. We’re hangin out with our friends and she gets a bit tipsy and, next thing I know, she’s all over some other girl. Don’t get me wrong, I’m lovin it… but what do I do? She says she’s nervous, then does this. Is she just tryin’ to have her cake and eat it too? Should I worry? What’s up?”

- EE, Reno

Well EE, it’s like this… you want her to be freaky and multi-freaky with you. I totally respect that, especially as I’m hoping for the same thing with Mrs DeviantAdvice (we discussed it, I’m not wearing the Kermit costume -ed). You’ve also made the intention known and have even given her the go-ahead to try it solo. So why are you writing us?

Oh. Because she took you up on your offer. Ok sure, that’s a bit strange, but it’s to be expected. Maybe she wants to try it alone a few times to really get the vibe down and see what it’s like. After all, girls are all emotional and stuff. They can’t just get freaky, they gotta feel freaky too. I’m not sure why it is, but it is how it is and that’s all there is to it. So let her go. Let her get her freak going and just enjoy it. If you’re cool about it, eventually she’ll bring you into the festivities and all will be well again. It’s that simple.

Here’s what we want to know… why are there no pictures?

For starters, I’m 25, male, and a virgin. I’ve never been with a girl and I really want to be. I just get scarred though and have a hard time talking to girls. I go out to the bars with my friends and they try to help but it doesn’t work at all. I just keep getting shy and nothing happens. I really hate that all my friends hook up except for me. Help me Deviant Advice, you’re my only hope! (sort of like Obi Wan! LOL).

-XN, Knoxville

Well XN, this is probably going to take some time, but I think that we might be able to help. However, it’s going to take some work from you. No, strike that, it’s going to take a LOT of work from you and time’s a-wastin, so let’s get to it!

First off, you need to change your entire mindset on this one. You have to think like a winner and then act on it. Just going to the bar, sipping some mug of whatever’s cheap isn’t cutting it. You’re going to have to go get so off your tits (why do you write during soccer? -ed) that you won’t care if you get shot down by every drunk skank there and, honestly, it’s gonna happen. You’re going to ask a LOT of women to fuck you and you’re going to absolutely fuck it up by telling them you’re a virgin, so just work it out of your system as quickly as possible so that you can actually get on with getting deflowered.

Oh what’s that? You want romance? No, skip it. It’s dead. You’re a 25 year old guy, not a 13 year old GIRL ok, so man up Nancy. You’re next step is to actually pick out your first conquest and, frankly, beggars can’t be choosers my man. See that lady over there? Yup, the one that pretty much screams “SLUT.” That’s your target bub and you might as well just reconcile the fact that 1) she’s your best/only hope, 2) she’s going to do some freaky-ass shit to you that, well, you won’t recover from, and 3) you’re going to be a moron and fall in love with her and, well, she’s going to forget your name the instant you tell her. You think this won’t happen to you? Well, you’re writing to US aren’t you? That’s what we thought.

So let’s recap… you, drunk, hook up with the slut, stop quoting fucking “Star Wars” ok?

No doubt, you’ve probably noticed that there’s been some changes to the site lately. Well, we decided that going with Wordpress made more sense than Blogger, mostly due to the fact that we wanted more finite control of the site. Nothing against Blogger though, it’s a great platform.

We’ve also added in the DISQUS comment system. We decided to go with DISQUS since it’s a great system and actually reduces some of the load on our site since it won’t have to constantly paginate comments. We also did it because people are wanting to have things centralized and comments are fast-becoming part of that list. For the time being we are allowing people to post without having accounts at DISQUS, but we’re pretty sure that this will change. You’re welcome to sign up at DISQUS of course, but it’s not necessary at this time.

Of course, we’re still using Twitter for article announcements, so feel free to follow us and get the latest as it happens.

Finally, we are considering using FeedBurner to reburn our feeds. Mostly this is to get an idea of how many subscribers we have, but we’re not 100% committed to this idea just yet. We’ll let you know.

And that’s about it for now. We’re still working on some content and, as always, encourage you to Write Us.

This guide will attempt to be a “One Stop Shop” for all your booty-bangin needs as most advice is pretty much applicable to both sexes. As with anything else, your mileage may vary slightly. If it varies wildly, you’ve got bigger problems than takin’ one in the pooper.

Step 1: The Mood
Save for a few souls who are homosexual men, or else deep (*snicker*) into BDSM, anal sex is something that must be worked up to. Typically this means that you’re probably going to be having regular sex before anal sex. And let’s be honest here, if your regular-sex skills are lacking, your anal-sex skills could very well be best described as “traumatic.” So make sure you start out with some good, regular-style sex. As a personal aside, if your ultimate destination is the chocolate factory, I’d advise starting Missionary and then progressing to Doggy. Again, personal aside and not any sort of “you must…” statement.

Step 2: The Approach
So it’s getting closer to go time. For first timers, this is where things go from “this is a hot fantasy” to “wait a second, this IS a human ass we’re dealing with here…” Translation: reality starts to set in. So advice here splits into two segments:

• Taking It In The Butt: Since you are the one who’s going to have most of their neurons resequenced in a fit of erotic pleasure, it’s best to understand that your body will be out of your control. Granted, you aren’t going to start clucking like a chicken or anything, but there’s a high likelyhood that you’re going to be moving around and your lover can’t follow every move. And since the act of having something in and out of your rear constantly and at a rapid pace tends to displace air, there’s all sorts of exciting risks of “spillage.” So, as a willing host, it’s your job to keep a nice clean basement there. Is all this too flowery for you? Fine, take a poop before sex and try not to have a large meal beforehand. Speaking your language now? Great.

• Putting It In The Butt: Let’s face facts. Unless you’re a guy getting it in the ass somehow, you’re probably the one doing the pushing here. And unless you are a devotee of anal sex (then why are you even reading this?), then you have no clue what the hell is about to happen. As you get ready for this exploration, just remember that the butt isn’t multi-functional like the vagina. The butt serves one real purpose for the body and it’s always trying to manage that purpose. So bear in mind that things may not go as you plan and there might be some unexpected happenings. It’s ok. Just go with it. Still not sure what I’m talking about? Fine. Be ready for the occasional fart or some staining on your junk. Yes, there you go. Now you understand. Fantastic.

Step 3: Lube and Romance
That’s right. Lube AND Romance. Folks, you gotta woo the intended taker of this. Just saying something like “oh god, I want it in your ass” isn’t quite cutting it. On the flip side, saying “fine, if it will shut you up” probably isn’t going to end up in a good experience either. You’ve got to communicate with each other and make it clear that you both are ready. This can be accomplished in any one of a number of ways, but a general rule is that quoting “Baby Got Back” is going to get you slapped… or crapped on if the other person’s laughing hard enough and ignoring what I put in Step 2. So yes. You’ve both made it clear that now is the time. Legs get spread and asses get… romanced.

That’s right… romanced. Folks, the butt is a complicated area of the body that, usually, keeps stuff in and tends to be unidirectional (pauses for you to make an “Exit Only” joke……. we good? ok, let’s go). What you’re doing pretty much confuses the hell out of an ass… at first. To make things easier, you want to gently let the ass know what’s going on. And this means romantic stuff like massaging, rubbing (gently… it’s a rectum, not a pork shoulder needing a dry-rub before a BBQ), maybe even getting down there with some kisses. Side note: I’ve never rimmed someone simply because I have a low squick threshold. Some folks don’t mind, it’s a personal thing. This is a great time to bring in the aforementioned Lube of the “Lube and Romance” title…
So you’re there and you’ve got your lube and a romanced asshole in front of you. Now what? Well, it’s time to finish prepping the area. Yes genius, that means lube it up. Now, this is an area that is up for fierce debate… namely, which lube is the best? Honestly, it’s a personal decision. Just remember that the lube should at least be water-based with a water spritzer nearby. Trust me on this. If you aren’t sure of why, that’s a whole other article that I can work on later. Just trust me, ok? Fantastic. So here you should start GRADUALLY applying lube. Remember that, typically, a little goes a long way, but it’s best to err on the side of caution here. And by “err” I mean “use a little more than you think is necessary” and not “empty the bottle” ok? Rock on. Make sure you get some inside as well. And with that, we go to….

Step 4: Slow Start
Congratulations. You are now either the posessor of or else in posession of a well-lubed rear-end. This is a good time to, again, split advice into two segments:

• Takin It In The Tookus: this is where you really need to work on relaxing. Breathing exercises, happy thoughts, good music, whatever it takes to get you into your happy place mentally. Please note: if the only way you get calm is through drugs, then you’re pretty much sunk here. Until you actually know and understand how your body feels when it’s got a large load o’ cargo back there, it’s best to do this sober. So get calm. Talk to your partner and tell them how you feel as you feel it.. but do be polite about it. Translation: “That feels ok” or “I like how that feels” or “Slow down” as opposed to “Oh Holy Fuck what the hell, are you jamming a log into my ass or what?”

• Tossing Into The Toss: at this point, you should be stuck on one speed… SLOW. Yes, I know that “slow” is often a matter of perspective, but remember that you’re dealing with a sensitive body part here (rectums CAN tear, ok and you DON’T want that ER trip on your insurance). First off, you might want to start out by using some fingers first. One, then another, and so forth. Take your time here and keep the bottle o’ lube -or else the aforementioned spritzer bottle- handy and freshen up that lube from time-to-time. As you work in a finger, take time to really massage the interior of the rectum. Again, romance. The purpose here is to get your partner used to the width gradually since, unless they have some horrific gastric anomoly, they aren’t used to soemthing as big as what you’re wielding. So exercise caution and concern. Once you have in as many fingers as can reasonably represent what you will be replacing said fingers with, then it’s time to sieze your destiny with both hands and continue on to:

Step 5: Ass Fucking (couldn’t come up with a clever title):
So it’s time. All prep has been done and it’s time to go to the big show. Again, advice is in two streams…

• Wide Receiver: at this point, you’re pretty much done. You’ve given signals to your partner that you’re ready and have likely had your ass romanced. You’re ready. Now what? Well… nothing. At this point, you just sorta close your eyes and let the partner take over.

• Quarter-Back: look at your partner. There they are… ready, willing, waiting, lubed, and -hopefully- enjoying themselves. Now it’s time for you to… go slow. Yes, slow… again. Why? Well, even though you’ve used your fingers and gotten the receiver ready, fingers aren’t whatever you’re intending to fill them with. After all, a bundle of sticks is way different than a log.. am I right here? Of course I am. So start slow. Gently ease the end of whatever into your partner, taking note of how it feels (if you’re a girl doing a guy with a strapon, this part won’t be easy) and how your partner is reacting. Listen to any noises they make, feel how they move. You’re probably capable enough to tell good sounds from bad and -likewise- good movement from bad. Now, the one thing you’re waiting for here is for your partner to push back. No, not like “oh sweet Jesus get this out of me NOW or they won’t find your body,” rather more like “I actually want you deeper in me.” As soon as The Push is confirmed, you’re pretty much free to open up that throttle and give it a go. Just remember to keep a careful neuron or two on when it feels like friction is slowing down and retreat the area with more lube or water. Generally you won’t need to do this often, but conditions can vary. While the ass isn’t -by nature- self-lubricating, the body does occasionally find a way to overcome this.

So that’s it. You are now having anal sex and, hopefully, enjoying it. If you’re the giver, you’re likely working that ass like an angry sharecropper with a grudge. Conversely, as the taker, you probably are now realizing why the term “Anally Fixated” was coined and are questioning as to why in the hell it was ever considered a bad thing. All the fun aside, there’s still some things to remember…

1) Going from the ass directly to the vagina is a no-no. In fact, it’s seriously a HORRIBLE idea. The rectum is designed to expel, as is the vagina. However, the vagina is a multi-tasker since it also tends to bring stuff (ie: sperm) in. So by going from ass to vag, you’re likely dragging bacteria from the brink of terror into paradise. If you feel compelled to give it the ole switcheroo, then at least wipe off first or pull on a new condom. Some folks have come up with the ingenious plan to wear two condoms and simply whip off the used and have the fresh ready to go. I’ve no idea of why they choose this route, but I’m guessing they’re Forumla 1 fans. If that makes no sense to you, don’t worry. Just laugh, cause it’s goddam funny.

2) In the shower? No. Not at all. I can’t detail why this is a bad idea, it just is.

3) Cleanup will likely be simple (couple of quick turns with a warm rag) or terrifying (”when did you have corn on the cob?”). Either way, there is a small possibility of blood. Don’t freak. If it’s a small amount, it’s normal as the rectum can tear easily. Conversely, if it’s a large amount (your first thought is “did I slaughter a calf?”) then you might want to freak out for a second, clean up, and head to the ER.

4) Lather, rinse, and -most importantly- repeat. Having successful anal sex once is like having a great dinner out of the fridge once. You always have an ass just like you always have a reasonably-stocked fridge. Indulge often.

So there you have it. A nice guide to anal sex for the newbie. Oh sure, I’ve glossed over some more complex facts (why buttsecks in the shower is bad) and gone WAY overboard on other things (I did mention lube and going slow, right?), but this guide will help get you started. Enjoy!
Addendum: guys, don’t think you’re out on the receiving end either… everything I’ve mentioned in this guide applies to you too. The only real difference is that a woman won’t get as much tactile response with a strapon as you do with your dick, so you need to communicate much more clearly and often. So put your fears aside (no, it doesn’t make you gay.. just kinky) and give it a whirl… who knows, you may even see God. If you do, tell him I said hi and that I’m really sorry about that thing in ‘83… he’ll know.

My hubby is a great guy. I love him to death and that may be in the next week. He’s seriously into all of these ‘ghost’ shows. It drives me up the wall because I scare easily. So he watches these stupid things all night (our DVR is crammed full of them) and then we go to bed and I can’t sleep. I’m jumping at every sound, which is a lot since we have a restless dog in the house. I try to tell him that it scares me, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I’m about ready to turn HIM into a ghost, so how about some help here?”

-SG, New Orleans

Well SG, sounds to us like hubby needs a dose of reailty.

Let’s be honest, ghost shows work because they scare the beejbus out of us. Most of us like to be scared out of our wits because it’s visceral and fun since it engages that whole “fight or flight” thing that scientists like to talk about. It kicks in endorphins and makes us into loopy idiots; so yeah, it’s pretty damn fun.

And then you turn 10 and realize that it’s all crap. Oh what’s that? It’s true? Ok genius, then explain something to me… why are there no “ghost pets?” Seriously. You see all manner of crazy shit, but you pretty much never see anything other than displaced humans who need some sort of after-life GPS unit. It’s always “hello, am I talking to {long-lost gramma/grampa/batshit crazy uncle}?” You never hear them hauling out “here boy.. come fetch the ouija board.. c’mere boy {whistle}!” Why is that? Seriously. Can someone actually explain to me in reasonable terms why that doesn’t happen? Do animals not have souls? Are animals just THAT much more in tune with whatever the hell goes on after this life? Nope, it’s just that the idea of “ghosts” is a crock of crap. Anyone who tries to argue that it’s real pretty much deserves to be punched square in the head, your darling hubby included. People, it’s not real.

And don’t even get us started on those “omg, I tooks me a picture of a ghost!!” retards. I once had the unfortunate luck of running into one of these kooks who says they caught a pic of their daughter coming into the house and she was just “surrounded by extoplasm” (seriously, EXTOplasm…) which later on translated into god’s love or some sort of etheral bukkake, I can’t recall which. Anywho, I quickly figured this might be slightly hard to believe because 1) why are there spirits haunting a goddam mobile home in the middle of nowhere? and 2) everyone in the house chain-smokes. Of course, this was refuted instantly, but I find it suspect since these inbreds were the kind who lit a new cigarette from the last gasp of an old one. But what the hell do I know? All I really learned was that these people really believed and -oddly- not fans of The X-Files.. go fig.

Of course, these ghost hunting shows may be on to something. They haul out an epic amount of random gear (heat sensors, high-end cameras, pics of your mom) and proceed to set them up everywhere so that they can capture “evidence” of a haunting. So then they camp out, wander whatever building they’re “investigating” and have some insane experience, pack up, and leave. And somewhere along the line someone actually pays these clowns enough money to where they no longer need day jobs. So maybe there’s something to it after all….

So, in conclusion, your hubby’s a moron, ghosts aren’t real, and that little girl from Poultergeists still scares the piss out of me… but the dude peeling his face was cool. (such a boy! -ed)

-AG, St Louis

Well AG. You’ve certainly come to the right place. Emo? We hate that shit too. So let’s take your son by the hand, look tenderly into his eyes, and let him know that he’s a douche. So sit him down in front of the screen, tell him to read this, and walk out of the room. We’ll take it from here.

Ok. He gone? Great.

Look. We all agree here that emo is whiny-ass shitbag music. It’s a bunch of disenfranchised punks who’ve probably had an easy life and don’t know what to rebel against, so they just sing about.. well.. fuck if we know what the hell they sing about. All we know is the little shits just play god-awful music and cry a whole lot. That said, go ahead and listen to it.

What’s that? Thought we were going to come down on you? Thought were going to tell you that you’re pathetic? No no, not at all. Well, you are pathetic, you’re also still a freaking kid. We know that NO ONE likes emo music for any reason. The only like it because it pisses off other people and that’s why you listen to it. You know it pisses off your parents, so you cling to it like it’s the last salvation for humanity. We know what’s up and we also know that trying to get you to stop only makes you want to listen to it more. So why waste time? Besides, we figure that letting you burn yourself out on this shit is going to be WAY more effective than telling you that you can’t listen to it. So go ahead and cram your ipod full of whatever the latest sad-craze is and gorge yourself. Eventually you’ll realize that it’s just a thousand bands singing the same 4 fucked up songs anyways:

1) I’m lonely because I’m misunderstood
2) I’m lonely because I don’t know how to love
3)I’m lonely because I got my ass dumped
4) I’m not Morrissey

In fact, pretty much EVERY emo song/band that comes out now a days pretty much falls under number 4. Or if you’re “hard core,” then you’re pissed because you aren’t Nick Cave. Either way, both of them grew the fuck up and decided to be adults about their shit and, one day, you will too. So, like we said, go for it. And don’t stop updating your weak-ass livejournal/blogger/xanga/whatever-it-is with your horrible poetry too. Just be sure to save it since, one day, you’ll be all growed up and can look back and realize what a whiny douche you were.

So that’s it really. Now stop cutting yourself and go cut the lawn, or let it listen to some of your music so it -hopefully- cuts itself.

(Listen no one likes that damn music. I got billy goats that make a more pleasant noise. As far as your boy is concerned a good swift kick in the ass does wonders,and so does Military school it’s hard to be a big whiny pussbag with a combat boot stuck in your ass. Like granddad always said spare the rod and beat the little bastard with your fists. -Mak)

So there’s this girl I work with who I’m gettin some serious feelings for. She’s cute, but we don’t really talk much and that bugs me because she totally sets off my radar. You know what I’m talking about here. She’s gotta be a freak, or something. Yeah yeah yeah, I know that we work together and I should probably lay off shopping at the company store, but this is driving me nuts. I gotta know, but I dunno how to bring this up to her. I can’t just flop down a carrot and a doughnut and see which one she goes for first, you know? So let’s get some Deviant perspective on this eh?”

-JR, Bridgeport

Alrighty JR. Honestly, we absolutely LOVE topics like this. You see, here at DeviantAdvice, a job qualification is good FreakDar (you know, Freaky Radar). In order to be part of our staff, you gotta be able to spot your fellow deviants out in a crowd (or the occasional police lineup -ed). So refining this skill is an absolute necessity. And bear in mind, it is a skill. This isn’t a gift or some magical power bestowed upon you, it’s a skill that even the most wayward jackass can learn. And here we go…

Step 1) Pay attention. Do you sit by her? If so, then you can eavesdrop a bit and get an idea of what you’re looking to know. Don’t be obvious about it, of course, but at least put some effort towards keeping one ear towards her side of the playing field. And “pay attention” means to pay CAREFUL attention. You have to learn how to get down every detail. That leads us right into step 2.

Step 2) Take notes. No, Poindexter, don’t keep one of those little notebooks handy. You’re lookin to bang a coworker, not solve a mystery here. Plus it’s going to be pretty obvious when she notices this pad of paper coming out at random moments. So go with Plan B and use your computer. If on Windows, fire up Notepad or else keep the occasional tab in Outlook. There’s lots of ways to gather info and store it, you just have to be discrete. If you lack this ability, then you sure as shit better have a good memory. And sure, some folks will say this is stalker-like behavior, but to hell with them. They aren’t trying to score a piece of fellow corporate ass… or maybe they’ve already tried and failed.

Step 3) Organize. All of your information is pointless if it’s just a massive jumble of crap. Sort your information into something meaningful because you, my friend, need a plan.

Step 4) Plan and Execute. So you’ve got your information and you think you know what’s up. Now’s the time to start moving things from theory to -if you’re damn lucky- practice. The reason you want to plan a lot is you want this to be smooth. You can’t just drop in out of nowhere with “you know, I read this GREAT article about butt-sex” (they aren’t all pimping for you -ed), you have to work up to it. You need to start small, just ask about their day-to-day life and try to steer the conversation in the direction of where you want to go. Wanna know if she’s dating? Then listen for “we” type statements. Or if she mentions going out to do stuff, try to say “oh, you and your ?” Of course, you’re writing in to ask how to figure out she’s a freak. Well, if she is, she’s going to talk about it. Maybe not right up front, but she’s going to mention it and it’s highly likely that she’s just waiting for you to open that door. So fucking OPEN it.. but slowly. Start off with something like “I bet you have some crazy stories to tell,” or else “I bet you’re an adventurous type, aren’t you?” Take it slow and small and let her set the pace and tone. That all leads to…

Step 5) Seal the Deal. Once you’ve got her opening up and her freakiness confirmed, all bets are off and you’re free to kick it into high gear. As long as you’ve followed steps 1 through 4, step 5 should pretty much take care of itself. You can thank us in the morning, after breakfast and the post-breakfast freak-fest.

(If all else fails a rooficolada and an empty supply closet can work wonders. Like granddad said “No just means you need to give her something stronger to drink” – Mak)

So here’s my situation. I’m a guy. I’m 18 years old. And I think I’m gay. I’m really scared to tell anyone because I think people around me in this stupid town hate gays like me. I want to tell my parents, but I think they’ll be disappointed. I know my dad is real proud that I’m doing work-study at a local mechanic’s garage and my mom’s proud my grades are good, so I don’t want them to think that I’m going to change. I want to tell my friends, but I’m afraid they won’t be my friends anymore. I know you guys tend to joke around there at DEviantAdvice, but I need serious advice. I’m seriously scared.”

-GG, Gulfport

Alright GG. You asked for serious advice and you’ve got a serious subject. Let’s do this..

The first thing you need to do is take a deep, cleansing breath. Just expand your lungs, hold it, breathe out, relax. Do it a couple times to steady yourself. Got it? Great.

Now, get the fuck over yourself. Seriously. Are you even aware that it’s 2008? Gay folks are enjoying better times now than in the past. So it’s not like we’re still conducting mass witch-hunts looking for Teh GHEY FOLKS!!! OMG!!!! TEH AIDS!!!! No no, it’s not like that at all. Sure, maybe it is in your world, but most of the rest of the world -and DeviantAdvice is included- could give a shit less that you’re gay. So take a few moments and let that paragraph sink in.

Ok. Harsh right? Absolutely. But you need to understand a few truths in this world. You are not that unique. Sure, you’re probably a pretty decent human being (unless you’ve killed in cold blood, burnt down the rainforest, or actually watch that stupid dance crew show on MTV), but you just aren’t that remarkable. Yes, you’re gay. And that’s the extent of it. It’s not like you have super powers now or anything else, you’re just some guy who gets off on/with other guys. And that’s damned ok in the greater scheme of life. So let’s tackle some of your issues and get past them.

Parents. Always a toughie there, unless your parents are hippies. Then you can pretty much do anything and they’re ok with it. Most other non-hippie parents worry about their kids turning out gay for a couple of reasons:

• 1) they really don’t like you to grow up in any real fashion. Being gay (just like being straight) means you’re about to start dating and falling in love and exploring new feelings and, ultimately, getting your heart ripped-out by some uncaring monster of a human who mostly just wanted you around because they were bored. Your parents don’t want their little angel getting his heart crushed and that’s the extent of it. Of course, your intention is to, eventually, do the exact opposite and get into some stupid relationship that is based more on sex than love. The only benefit your being gay has is that you’re less likely to knock up some neighbor girl. The downside is that -if you aren’t- you’re going to date someone who’s exuberantly gay, by which we mean fucking annoying. If you’re straight, it’s a cheerleader. If you’re gay… well, it’s still a cheerleader. Rah rah go fuck yourself.
• 2) People without kids tend to tease gay people because they -the folks without kids- are empty-headed morons. Your parents know the world is tough and they want to spare you as much as they can. Unfortunately, being gay still has a slight stigma to it, so it can make things worse. However, at some point they just have to deal with the reality that you’re going to get completely screwed by life in some way. Might as well get it going now while you’re still in school.

So telling the parents can be a complicated and tricky issue. That said, here’s a pretty simple method: just fucking tell them. Don’t line it up with “I feel horrible” or “I know this is hard” or anything else. Don’t treat being gay like a condition. Basically just be calm with them, let em know, and move on. When (not if.. WHEN) they react, listen carefully and compassionately, acknowledge their (valid) concerns, and try to talk to them about this. They’re going to be scared FOR you, not OF you. Just remind them that you know the consequences here and blah blah blah. Treat them like normal humans and they’ll probably be just fine. If they flake out on you, threaten to kick you out, etc.. well, then life has dealt you a pretty tough hand there, so you might want to find a sympathetic relative or friend who can help you ride out the storm. Most parents aren’t morons (altho some….), so by treating them like humans, you’re likely to have this part go well.

Your friends are another issue altogether. Honestly, most of them probably already know (just like your parents), so telling them will mostly get you a “duh” type of response. If the “friend” gives you anything other than encouragement… well, now you know who is and isn’t your friend. Don’t cut them out of the picture entirely, just limit activities with them until they realize what a dink they’ve been and finally just accept you for you. If they’re truly a friend, this will happen, it’s just going to take time. Let them have it and let them come to you and it’ll all be smooth in the end (clever… -ed).

Of course, in any situation there are also things you should NOT do. Let’s hit those…

1) do NOT announce your homosexuality to the general public before everyone else. Honestly, this is tacky, stupid, and is going to just get your parents (who are VERY important folks, after all) pissed at you because their worst fears will start running to the forefront. No, not that you’re gay, but that some jackass is waiting to stab you in the kidneys because you are. So tell your parents, then your friends, then fucking YouTube that shit if you want.

2) for the love of fuck, dress like a human being. I love seeing gay “pride” parades where two guys decide the best way to show “pride” is to walk down the street in short-shorts, combat boots, and fairy wings. Yes, I understand that they’re trying to show just how insanely idiotic the insult of “fairy” is, but it’s still idiotic. If a demonstration of pride involves you dressing only slightly less offensively than Britney Spears, then you have greater issues than pride. You’re a moron.

3) please don’t use the word “queer” in any way shape or form. You aren’t queer, you’re gay. Yes, you can cite the whole “taking it back” argument if you would like, but let’s look at how well it worked for blacks and the whole “nigger” thing.

4) don’t be bi unless you’re a hot chick. Bi dudes are creepy.

And that’s really about it. As a human being, you’re going to be inclined to do stupid shit. As a GAY human being, your stupid shit will be only slightly different (you’ll watch reruns of “Will and Grace” instead of “Spin City,” you’ll think IKEA is tacky, etc). The best thing to do is just embrace that you’re a gay human who’s going to do some pretty retarded crap and just move on with your life.

Above all, just BE yourself. Seriously. Don’t bury it under 400 layers of random bullshit that makes no fucking sense. Don’t go out thinking you’re going to be the best goddam homo out there; go out intent on just being the best person YOU can be. You’ll do fine and the world won’t rip itself apart cause you like taking it in the butt. If anything goes horrifically wrong, just shoot us an email here (deviantadvice@endlessmonkeys.com) and we’ll do our best to help you out further.

ps: if you see Bobby Trendy, please slap that fucker. Thanks. We don’t hate him cause he’s gay, we just hate him cause he’s pretentious and, unfortunately, dresses better than us (me included and I’m a chick! -ed).

pss: if you have any hot, lesbian friends… well.. VIDEO ok? Thanks. 

- TM, Newberg

Oh wow, you got quite the conundrum there doncha? Well, let’s see what we can do to help.

You want a job where you don’t really interract with folks a bunch? Well, give up on that. Even if you find some place where you don’t deal with customers all day, then you’re probably going to wind up somewhere that has you working an internal support position and your coworkers will suddenly be your “customers” or “clients” or whatever the hell the latest corporate speak is for “the retards that you deal with on a daily basis.” So you’re always going to have to interract with people.

And even if it’s not customers/clients, then you’re likely going to have to deal with coworkers, including that one jackass. You know the one I’m talking about. That dimwitted moron who feels compell to document every waking moment of their insipid life and then go assault everyone’s desk with “look! pictures!” Seriously, wtf is up with that asshole? I don’t care that you got a new dog/cat/fruitbat/car/boat/surgical procedure. Stay the hell away from me with your pictures. They suck. The fact that you have a digital camera is an affront to both photography and decency and you need to be shot. Of course, there’s also the office-forwarder. Probably the worst human you will ever deal with. They feel compelled to forward ANYTHING that seems vaguely interesting to anyone, even if they don’t work there. These people seem to have some religious devotion to the “Reply All” function and need to be stopped before they foward that fucking email about the million dollar cookie recipe or whatever the hell they send anymore.

Whoah, tangent there. Sorry. So let’s see… what career opportunities are going to fit your criteria…

Well, you could always try to be a security guard on the night shift. But when you have to deal with people there, it’s typically of an unfriendly nature (”you can’t go into that door,” “you can’t park there,” “why do you keep asking if I carry a gun?”). The upside tho is that you will likely have long periods of absolutely event-less time in which you can chill out and surf the web, if the employer allows it (most don’t). The job would be relatively stressful from time to time, but if you have a can of pepper-spray or a tazer handy, then you really won’t be bored for long if you catch my drift there.

About the only other option you have is a long-haul trucker. That wouldn’t be bad really. Tour the country, eat at interesting places (”are you sure this is steak? cause it looks like possum…”), and meet other cracked-out truckers and share stories of the road and drugs. Of course, that means that you live in a truck, but it may not be so bad since most truck stops are now working their asses off to become 5-star resorts (even the lot lizards are taking it up a notch and buying from Target instead of WalMart). The only downside is that a “bad day” on the job may mean that you accidentally jacknifed on the interstate and spilled a whole load of lumber/oil/milk/live-chickens.

So that’s the best we can come up with: security guard or truck driver. Frankly, we vote for Security Guard since… well.. we mentioned the tazer already, right?

Points on your license, rising insurance rates, and a whole host of other crap can take a simple traffic ticket into a hellish experience… unless you know how to fight it and win. Granted, it takes some effort, but it might be worth it. Here at DeviantAdvice, we’re always working to make your life better. So to wit, we give you our guide on how to fight a traffic ticket, althouth we aren’t guaranteeing a win (thanks for making the lawyers happy -ed)

Ok. A ticket sucks, we all know that. Of course, fighting it may seem like more time than it’s worth, but that time may end up saving you money on insurance and fines and such. Now, in order to fight the ticket, you have to be on your “A” game and that’s going to start the instant you are pulled over.

1) Be honest. Were you speeding? Changing lanes without signalling? Following too close? Realize that the cop is pulling you over for a reason. Sure, part of it might be due to the fact that it’s the end of the month and the quota is low, but that just means they’re letting less crap slide. So you are being pulled over for a legit reason. And that leads nicely to:

2) Do NOT take this up with the cop pulling you over. It’s not his job to represent the entire legal system. He’s just some guy with a badge who caught you doing something stupid, or else just being unobservant. Don’t worry, it happens to all of us (I’ve never had a ticket -ed). The cop is just there to enforce the code. So be nice to him, it may help you out. And we move to:

3) Don’t incriminate your stupid ass. The cop says “do you know why I pulled you over?” What he’s doing is getting an outright admission from you that you fucked up. Unless you’ve been caught speeding, just reply that you aren’t sure. However, don’t sound mystified. This is precisely the wrong time to act as though being pulled over is a foreign concept. A simple “Honestly sir/ma’am, I’m not sure” goes a long way. Plus adding in that “sir/ma’am” part helps out too since it shows the cop that you’re a nice person and cops like nice people more than assholes who think that a doughnut joke or a quota-reference is a good idea here. Don’t be that asshole and your chances of getting off with a warning go up dramatically. Now, if you’ve been caught speeding, you REALLY need to be honest here, but only to a point. Don’t answer with “I might have been going a little fast back there while trying to race that stupid-ass kid in the Honda with the park-bench wing and that retarded exhaust that makes his $3000 car sound like a $3000 weed-eater.” Instead, haul out the “Honestly sir/ma’am, I’m not sure” and let the cop take the lead here. When they tell you that you were speeding, look remorseful, but not like a dingo just ate your baby. Unless you were doing 65 on a city street intentionall (dumbass), you were likely just not paying attention. Again, it happens (not to me -ed). And that goes right into:

4) Just accept what the officer says. Don’t argue physics here or explain that there’s no way in hell the car you’re driving could be going that fast for whatever reason (weight of the car, weight of you, traffic, a slow-moving white bronco ahead of you, etc). Also, don’t use this time to explain that you’ve never been pulled over (like me -ed). The cop doesn’t care because it’s not his job to care. He writes tickets and, on occasion, gets to run red lights and that’s it. So go with whatever he says. As long as you’re polite (”oh my, that is a bit fast”), the cop is likely to let you go with a warning. Unless it’s the end of the month or else you were attempting to haul ass in your Prius, then you’re pretty much going to get a ticket. If so, not all is lost. Let’s take this up to:

5) Court date. If you decide to fight it, try to push it off as far as possible. Ask for something called a “continuance.” Basically you’re just saying you need more time to prepare your case and ensure that your defense is thorough and accurate according to your rights as guaranteed by The Constitution. For the less-than-legal amongst you, I’m telling you that a “continuance” is like saying “time out” to the judge. Got it? Great. So yes, ask for one and you’ll likely get it. Ask for a second one and you may get it, but it’s iffy. Ask for a third one and you’ll likely be held in contempt, which means more fines and a potential stay in county lockup. So don’t get greedy. Why ask for one? Well, it’s simple. Cops typically have to come to court on their days off since it would be impossible to keep the police force’s dwindling numbers effective if x amount of cops were out daily for court dates. So if you challenge the ticket, a cop has to come in on a day off and he’s not likely to do that if your fine is small. That said, if you’re challenging a massive ticket (something like, say, 80 in a school zone) then the cop is likely going to show up. If he doesn’t show, you win because your accusor isn’t there to represent the city. If he does show, then you have to move along to:

6) Winning your case. Basically it’s down to your word versus the cop’s and his equipment. Is this a traffic incident like failure to signal or a bad lane change? Well, if you got a ticket for that and the cop’s there, then you fucked up and you might as well just tell the judge and ask for some leniency. He may reduce your fine. If you’re there for speeding, then let’s hope you used your continuance wisely by asking the police department for maintenance records on the equipment the cop used to bust you. You did do that, right? You didn’t? You dumb bastard. Again, just be honest here and ask for leniency. In speeding tickets, you won’t get it usually, but sometimes they’ll reduce the offense enough to where it won’t go on your insurance. Of course, this is where being nice in steps 2, 3, and 4 come in handy. The cop may already have reduced it enough. However, if you DID use your continuance to request the maintenance records (and good on you for that), then make sure you bring it along with any information you can get on how often the manufacturer recommends that the units be serviced (it’s likely that the department doesn’t service it often enough). Also, do detail the scene where you were pulled over. Heavy traffic? Construction? Precipitation? All things that can cause an improperly-serviced unit to report incorrect data. So be thorough, but not unrealistic (”light drizzle” is not the same a a monsoon; two cars is not “gridlock traffic” and so forth). As long as you present your case thoroughly and respectfully, you will likely move on to:

7) Paying your fine. Look, the legal system is built on many things: justice, equality, fairness, etc. However, this isn’t the legal system. Fines are actually a revenue stream for the city and they aren’t likely to give up money for any reason. So while you may present a glorious argument about how the radar equipment in the cop’s car that hasn’t been serviced in 2 years may have misread the speed results by hitting a different car and also getting an incorrect result because of the rain that day, the court doesn’t care. They know the cop pulled you over with cause and that’s enough for them. So you’ll likely have to pay the fine anyways. If you fought it, then you’ve likely taken at least 2 days off of work (one to file your continuance and one to fight the ticket) and who knows how much money you missed out on, or vacation days you’ve wasted all so a judge can reduce your $150 ticket to about $80. If you win, it’s a hollow victory anyways. So why not just pay the fine in the first place. If you were polite in steps 2, 3, and 4 then you’re probably already coming out ahead, so why get greedy?

And with that, we close. We hope that you found this guide useful and informative. While we can’t guarantee you won’t get pulled over (like I never do -ed), we can at least guarantee that following our guide will help the process go much smoother. And hey… let’s be careful out there.

- JJ, Phoenix

Ok, so let’s get this straight “JJ.” You’re some girl working in an office with some hot guy and you seem to be flirting with him non-stop and he’s not even attempted to bed you yet? Something seems askew here. So let’s look at all the possibilities:

• He’s gay.
• You aren’t being totally forthcoming. Are you a fatty? Maybe he looks at you because he can’t pull his eyes away out of sheer horror
• He’s married and you haven’t noticed the ring

So let’s take these one-by-one and see how we can help you:

1) He’s gay

Ok. So this won’t be easy. Most gay guys are usually pretty happy being gay. I mean seriously, have you seen Gay Pride parades? Holy christ, these men are GAY and happy about it. So if he’s truly gay, you’re pretty much out of luck. Your best hope here is that he’s bisexual. However, even then he’s likely to still want a gay angle. That said, if that’s your kink then go for it. Just don’t pin any long-term hopes on this turning into anything more than an office fuck-buddy with the potential for some insane 3-somes.

2) You’re a fatty.

Drop the fork, hit the gym, and try again.

3) He’s married.

This is the most-likely possibility. Sometimes it’s hard to notice the trappings of a settled-down dude, even though our sources say that most women look for a ring first as a matter of course. So maybe you’ve just missed the glaring beacon that says “Attention everyone: I have made a serious error in judgement and will now spend the rest of my life paying for it.” (hope the sofa’s comfy tonight -ed) So if he is married, what are you to do? Well, it’s easy actually. Fuck him. Seriously. Don’t dilly-dally about it. Don’t be all cute and coy. Just go by his desk, look right at him, and inform him that joining you in the supply closet in 15 minutes could be the most religious experience of his life. The flirting game is cute and all, but if he’s not biting then he’s probably just scared and it’s up to you to let him know, in no uncertain terms, you’re wanting to take his dictation, if you know what we mean (she does. she’s not an idiot -ed).

So after you hookup with Office Hottie, you have the aftermath to deal with and this is the part that makes everyone go “don’t get into an office romance.” Honestly, this is such a crock of crap that it makes us sick. When you’re done, you’re done. That’s it. No long-winded “you’ll always mean something to me” good byes; no “I should transfer to -insert freakishly remote office here- and make this less awkard.” None of that crap. Just be done with it. But there is a flip side and that’s SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH ABOUT IT. And that’s for both parties involved. Don’t go bragging to the other ladies in your department about the size of his crank, just like he shouldn’t go spilling the beans about that crazy trick you did with your tongue and that popsicle. Just be quiet about it and let it be a good memory. The instant either of you decides to let the office know that you two hooked up for the most insane sock-monkey loviin’ in the history of the universe is the instant that both of you should polish up your resumes and start looking for another job, preferably one in an office crammed full of ugly/fat/stupid/croc-wearing people.

By the way. If you do hookup and it is hot… do it twice and tape the second one. It’s just so we can measure the effectiveness of our advice. (now about that sofa… -ed)

My daughter, the apple of my eye whose only 13 has started talking about going out. Dating. DATING. She’s 13!!1! I dunno wtf I’m gonna do. She wants to go out now and she’s 13. Come on guys, surely one of you has to have a daughter?”

- LW, Tupelo

Nope LW, I don’t have a daughter. On the contrary, I’ve got two boys. So you think YOU got problems? Well, actually you may.

Look, it’s a fact that girls are maturing faster now. Call it hormones in beef, the angle of the moon, MySpace, Facebook, whatever… you are now in the throes of puberty my friend and it’s about to go from “worrisome” to “can drinking be a hobby AND a sport?” Of course, we’re here for you though. For you and your daughter and her blossoming body. (awkward? -ed)

So you’re obviously trying to figure out what to do. You’re trying to think of every way possible to control your daughter, to slow down the pace of what’s happening. Give up. Give up now, actually. You can’t stop it at all. It’s like The Terminator, it just… won’t… stop… making stupid sequels, oh my god. Seriously… there’s like 14 of those movies now? Damnit. Now granted, we aren’t implying that your precious daughter is a relentless killing machine… not yet at least, give it a couple years. So your main instinct here is to go with the flow. Adapt to the situation. Dare I say it, consider letting her date.

Sure, I know you’re staring at the screen, wanting to grab that shotgun you keep under your couch… and that’s exactly what I want you to keep doing. You see, your little girl is going to date no matter what you say. You should applaud her for her honesty, but also realize that she’s doing one of two things: 1) manipulating you like the ignorant fool that you likely are, or 2) not thinking her cunning plan through (bad choice of words -ed). Hopefully it’s the latter, but we’re reasonably sure it’s the former. So you’re going to have to meet that with a great defense and there’s absolutely NO defense like Parental Insanity. That, my friend, is where that shotgun comes in.

When your daughter has her friends over, be sure to clean it on occasion in front of them. Yes, I am secretly implying that you should “clean” it in a way that suggests you are both lonely and batshit crazy. Long stokes to clean it, caressing it oh-so-softly, giving it a petname, all great ideas that you should consider. Now, don’t get too into your role though as you don’t want people to actually believe you are insane and start calling the doctors on you. You want to be juuuuuuust crazy enough that people will not mess with you and -by extension- your daughter. Oh sure, there’s probably some social stigma in being “that girl with the psycho gun-loving dad,” but that also means that the potential for pregnancy goes way down when the young man trying to bust that first nut into your daughter remembers that you earlier engraved his name on a bullet directly in front of him.

Of course, there are those that say “but you should nurture your daughter, teach her how to be a woman.” These people are clinically insane and you should avoid them at all costs as these people are probably hippies anyway and think that names like “Moon Unit,” or “Star,” or “Hillary” are actually valid names for a human-being. These people don’t understand the primal fear in a father’s heart when he thinks about his little girl being deflowered in a drunken stupor in the backseat of the car that some young guy’s dad is probably still paying on. So instead of celebrating her femininity, you need to advise her that her femininity is sacred and any boy who violates it is going to have to just understand that killing him is part of the circle of life and he should just accept it and move on as best he can… while being very dead.

Of course, the more that you try to stop her development, the harder she’s going to try to defy you. It’s a natural law. So you have to have a Plan B and that usually involves sending her someplace where men don’t exist and women are taught that chastity is an honorable state. The only problem is that no planes are currently running routes back to the 13th century, so you’re pretty much going to have to accept that your daughter is becoming a woman. Your little baby girl is growing up and you can only remember one thing… It’s not murder if he survives; it’s just assault.

Happy hunting!

- LF, Fort Wayne

Well LM, custody battles are always hard and there’s rarely ever a clean/happy ending to these situations. So you’ve got to ensure that you put your best foot forward and by that, I mean destroy him. It’s not enough to just “win,” you have to crush your ex’ very will to live.

The first thing you want to do is to ensure that your relationship with your kids remains strong. Be kind to them, treat them with love and respect, and bribe the SHIT out of them. Sure, it’s a somewhat dirty and potentially uneccesary tactic, but you’re a fool if you think he’s not doing the EXACT SAME THING. So you’ve got to outdo him. I don’t mean you just have to do a bit better, I mean you have to ensure that anything he does, you do at least twice as good on. He gets the kiddos some new toys, you get them cooler toys. He decides that to hire a clown for the birthday party, you see if Cirque du Soleil is in town. Buying your childrens’ loyalty may leave a bad taste in your mouth, but it helps to guarantee that you come out ahead.
Step two is to never bad-mouth Daddy. Since he’s already hooked up with someone who may be entirely too stupid to see the full situation here (is she pregnant yet? cause something tells me..), it’s clear that his ability to make rational decisions is pretty much at 0. Add to it that he’s instigating a full-on custody battle and that pretty much means he spends lots of time talking about Mommy and how evil she is. So sure, you’re probably tempted to fight fire with fire, but don’t. Go the exact opposite, compliment Daddy. Talk about how nice it is for him to help this little girl out. Let the kids know that they should tell their “new” Mommy that she’s nice like you are. “Kill em with kindness” is not just some outdated customer-service mantra, it’s one of the most effective strategies in any legal battle. Plus you also have to bear in mind that, at the least, he’ll get visitation of some sort, so your kids need to be at peace with the person they’ll spend some chunk of time around.

Of course, you have to ensure that all the work you’ve done up to now sticks. So start making sure that you bring people to any court proceedings. Nothing confers superiority more than an entourage. It’s likely he’s going to bring just his lawyer to the festivities and this nitwit he’s dating. So you have to go a bit better than that. Family and friends are critical here, but do try to keep the number low and also try to ensure that they wait OUTside of the courtroom. After all, it proves that you have a support network in place, but don’t really need them (per se). It’s a massive psychological tool and you should maximize it’s overall effectiveness. Also make sure that your people show up appropriately dressed, but slightly down. That means something along the lines of “business casual.” After all, you want your squad to look like an effective unit. Plus it shows you’re a people person and have the aforementioned “Support Network” in place and judges eat that shit up with a spoon, especially in custody cases.

Last and certainly NOT least, just be the better parent in general. No matter what happens, just keep an even keel and don’t let your retard of an ex visibly ruffle your feathers. If the kids ask what’s going on, explain it in simple terms. Resist the urge to explain it as “Daddy has his head up his ass” as the kids likely won’t understand this concept anyways. And if you at all qualify for MILF status, use that to your advantage too. Start off by sending us some pics here. We’re bored and lonely (don’t you all have 35 articles in the queue? -ed) and need, uh, “inspiration.” Yeah, that’s it.. inspire us!

- SF, Beaverton

You know SF, I’m almost thinking that *road* rage is the least of your rage here. But we digress. This is an all-too-common request for advice around here and we think we finally have it down. So let’s do this…

First off, we’re from Oregon too and we couldn’t agree more. People in this area haven’t the slightest clue how to fucking drive. The others are bikers who think that the rules don’t really count for them. Seriously, wtf? All you bikers who think that you can just creep up into traffic, or pull that “half stop and look” move at an intersection.. oh yeah, the gloves are off assholes. Next time you do it I swear to God I’m going to….

Note: Greg is in time-out right now. We’ve got him listening to some Enya and practicing meditation. Actually, we told him to “chill the fuck out” and can only conclude he’s at The Acropolis. He’ll be back in a bit -editor.

Alright. Sorry. So anywho…

Yes, people in Oregon can’t drive and the SUV drivers are some of the worst. They’re better than Subaru drivers, but only because SUV drivers don’t have any smug self-righteousness over the fact that they bought a freakin Subaru. So how to deal with this? Well, it’s quite simple actually, you just need to drive offensively. That’s right, offensively. That whole “defensive driving” crap doesn’t work in this modern age. We’re all part of a nation of morons that has taken a complicated activity and made it much more complex by doing fuck-all behind the wheel: talking on cell phones, working on laptops, reading books in traffic, fucking KNITTING IN TRAFFIC. Seriously. It’s amazing that we don’t have major pileups every hour because of retards deciding that behind the wheel at 70 miles an hour is a GREAT place to eat dinner. So trying to drive defensively will pretty much limit you two keeping the car in the driveway and making “vroom” noises.

So what makes a good offensive driver? Simple, you have to assume that everyone on the road is out to kill you (and they are) and try to outdo them. You don’t want to just kill these people, you want to utterly ruin their lives. So hauling out the single-finger-salute is nice, but utterly ineffective. Most folks are used to that anyways and, as a rule, tend to expect it. So you’ve got to go one better. Why just put out a single finger when a clenched fist works SO much better. But don’t wait until you’re in front of them, try to do it AS you pass. A single burst of angry fist-waving only communicates your rage for an instant. Shaking your fist like a drunk epileptic (good band name? -ed) communicates your message for a greater duration of time, thus raising the likelihood that the intended recipient of the message gets it. You also have to ensure they understand that the message is indeed for them. So after you finish passing them, why not tap the brakes a bit and let them get up-close-and-personal with your critique? There’s a reason Teddy Roosevelt said “Speak softly and carry a big stick” when asked about diplomacy. Now you know it too. Being nice will only get you so far; being a territorial asshole gets you MUCH further (and the occasional chick, too).

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some more rage to work off… and at least $20 in my pocket that could go to a better, more nude-r cause.

- AG, Detroit

Wow NK, sounds like you got a lot goin on over there. Anything that you’re thinkin about keeping secret? Anything you want to divulge? No? Alrighty, we’ll let it go for now and get on to the advice… but we’re here if you ever wanna share. After all, work sucks (you work? -ed).

So here’s the deal. Lie. And I mean LIE. Lie like you were just caught in a murder. Lie lie lie. Know why? Because we sure as shit know you can’t handle the truth when it goes the opposite way. The split second she opens her mouth and admits to sucking 37 dicks, then your head is going to explode. So yeah, you may as well just try to keep your tally down. Besides, there’s other reasons for it.

Relationships are complex things. They are delicate, fragile, and survive almost entirely on a series of lies. At first it’s little lies (”no, those pants look great”) and then it escalates a little (”no really, I’d love to spend the weekend with your family instead of my friends”). Then it just goes out-of-control and you start telling outrageous lies because you’re in too deep anyways (”I take thee to be my lawfully wedded wife…”). The earlier you realize that, the better your relationship is going to be. Of course, lies aren’t just in what you say, it’s also in what you don’t say. Keeping your mouth shut is also a lie. So while you might have some insane fantasy in your head about “honesty” or “trust,” you might as well just abandon those now since it won’t happen. So what does this mean for you NK? Well, it’s simple.

Ask her. See how many she has. Of course, she’s going to lie her ass off as well because she probably already realizes the truth about relationships. So it’s your job to meet that lie with a lie of your own, by which we mean you should try to keep your tally around 1, maybe 2 more than hers. Yes genius, this is a bad time to bring up that night you got ripped on E and fucked 16 “women” (but the sign said? -ed) on that “business trip” to Thailand. Just shut your damn mouth and keep it simple. She’s been with 5? You got 7. 8? 9. 10? 11. She did 14 in a week? Fuck, we want her number. The point here is you have to make her feel good and that’s why a lie is so critical since the obvious truth of your life will likely brutalize the relationship. And for the love of God, resist the temptation to go under her total. All that’s going to do is make her wonder why she’s dating you. Unless you’re rich, then you should already know why she’s there and it’s NOT because she’s looking for investment tips (until after you die, but that’s another issue).

So NK, that’s the extent of it. Lie lie lie. Just keep it simple and you’ll be fine. Also, try to resist the urge to come out with the “it doesn’t matter how many I’ve been with, you’re the only one that matters.” That pretty much says you’ve probably fucked most everything in your zip code and she’s better off getting back to her dildo. Also, if this topic hasn’t come up yet and you are wondering about her tally? Well, it’s like this… Don’t ask, Don’t tell. You can’t handle the truth anyways…

ps: you didn’t come? Who cares. If there was any measurable amount of nudity involved and someone stuck something somewhere, then it’s sex. Don’t believe me? Ask Bill Clinton. Better yet, ask Monica.

So you obviously are going to want to do as minimal an amount of work possible, yet still get paid for a traditional 8 hour day. This is actually quite attainable, but you have to understand that there’s some ground rules that absolutely MUST be followed. As long as you go by these rules, however, you should be absolutely golden.

First off, your wardrobe selection is critical. Nearly everyone who works from home has made at least one reference to “working in my sleep clothes.” For the ladies, this typically means pajamas. For most gents, this is loosely translated as “nude” and, as such, will utterly terrify anyone within earshot of this announcement. Your goal here is NOT to be one of these people. As tempting as it is to make the joke, don’t. Unless you roll with a large crew who all work from home, you’ll likely be the target of scorn and envy amongst your peers when you make the announcement that you can work from home. Adding to it via the “work in my pj’s” routine is just going to set you up for a karmic ass-kicking, so just back off. Instead, DO focus on an actual wardrobe and stick to it. Yes, that means changing out of whatever you happen to wear (or don’t wear, you sick freak) and in to a decent ensemble. Note: guys… this means your shit has to match ok? The ratty shorts and “drink till she’s cute” shirt isn’t going to cut it here. At least look somewhat presentable. Why? Well, there’s a damn good reason for it…

And that’s the ever-popular “Site Visit.” For those who may not be familiar with this term (and somehow unable to comprehend at least 6th grade English), this means someone coming to your house to check up on you, often at random intervals. Now, handling this can be easy, or difficult and it largely depends on whoever it is that does your site visit(s). Those folks come in two flavors and we’ll break them out separately:

• The Office Snitch: this person is typically in the lower-ranks of middle management. Basically they’re above you, but still well below the upper-management level. They may have the ability to fire you, but it’s highly unlikely. At most, they can probably write you up and report you to someone higher who likely doesn’t care anyways. Still, you have to meet their offense with a good defense, which means you have to think like them. Chances are, they’re probably damned annoyed at having to do the site visits, or else jumped on the opportunity because they (foolishly) thought this would get them a promotion. As a result, they’re going to do their dead-level best to bust you in the middle of your attempts to not work at all. Usually they’ll do this by trying to be “random” in their visits, but a pattern will be all-too-apparent. Typical times to “just drop by” are within half an hour of your lunch time, roughly an hour before your day is done, and within 20 minutes of any “meetings” being held in the virtual sense. Favorite days to drop by will likely be Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays.
• True Middle Management: this person is probably very comfortable in their job and probably got that job by bullshitting as much as humanly possible while keeping a straight face. This is the person you want conducting your site visit since they’ll likely call you in advance and give you a head’s up. Why? Well, because they’ve been handed an absolute plum of an assignment. Someone has basically told them to wander the city and check up on employees, all on the company dime. The Office Snitch sees this as a way to help keep a “healthy bottom line.” True Middle Management see this as “5 hour lunch at -insert name of favorite bar-.” True Middle Management also knows that their job is secure and, as such, could give a rat’s ass less about YOUR productivity, so long as it makes them look good. Don’t abuse their faith.

The Site Visit can be a make-or-break time depending on which class of visitor you get assigned. Thankfully, dealing with either of them remains simple. A large part of it comes down to your home work place. In your home you should have a room dedicated to your job. Comfortable surroundings, but not too comfortable. Privacy from the rest of your home. Well-organized and supplied. This room is a fortress against declining productivity and you will never be in it, unless you’ve got a Site Visit. You’re working from home after all and you want to exploit that. Keeping a good Home Office is critical to your survival as a telecommuter and that’s why you should avoid that room at all costs. Anything that breaks the overall organizational flow of that room will come back to haunt you. Also, you want to ensure that this room is as far from the front door of the house as is reasonably feasible. After all, when a Site Visit kicks off, you want to hide the fact that you just scrambled around like a madman and having a Home Office in a remote part of your home helps hide this fact perfectly. You can always use the “sorry, was working so hard I didn’t hear the doorbell/knocking/pounding/calling my phone for 20 minutes” excuse with absolute impunity. Bonus points if this room can be upstairs, or else in a basement, for the obvious reasons of either.

As far as working from home goes, it’s commonly assumed that employees will find all sorts of ways to distract themselves throughout the day and you’re no exception to this (after all, you’re reading this article aren’t you?). However, choosing a distraction is a critical process and one that’s not to be taken lightly. The most common pitfall is the decision to do actual work outside of work. These people baffle me actually. Why would you want to work from home and then spend valuable “work” time by multitasking via cleaning your home, fixing some broken item, or anything else in that arena? Your goal here is to decrease your workload, not find a way to get the company to foot the bill for your Home Improvement projects. No my friend, you’ve got to understand that you’re trying to slack off here, so choose a diversion wisely.

• Good Choices: catching up on TiVO; online classes to get a better job; porn (we’ll discuss this later); home-brewing; pre-planning your next weekend; simple internet games (yes, genius, that means no World of Warcraft, Everquest, etc… what are you? 12?); more porn and/or drinking (again, more on these topics later).
• Bad Choices: home improvement; wedding planning; online dating (seriously… don’t); too much porn/drinking.
• Choices That Indicate You’re Retarded: World of Warcraft; Everquest; MySpace/Facebook/Friendster; a blog; anything else that indicates you’re 14 or younger.

As stated, the “porn” and “drinking” options will likely be the most popular and for damned obvious reasons. So you’re probably wondering “can I really surf porn/get hammered while ‘on the job’?” Of course you can, just be smart about it. Porn is best limited to simple pursuits. While the office is likely paying for a nice high-end connection, they are probably monitoring it as well, so will notice when you decide to download all 400 meg of “Butt Blasters 5,” so resist that temptation. Instead, rely on your current home setup to do this job for you. If you have your own laptop and wireless connection, then you’re probably set. Just keep your company laptop on one side and your laptop on the other and revel in the bliss. After all, nothing really helps productivity by watching gorgeous young ladies give up their dreams for $250 a film. Honestly, being “part of the problem” is pretty damn fun. Plus, if your job entails talking to customers/clients/anyone who’s likely to be upset for trivial reasons, watching porn while they rant is absolutely priceless. Just remember to keep the volume down/off. Don’t trust the “mute” function on your headseat.

Drinking is probably the most common diversion however. Not many joke openly about watching midget porn while working, but most everyone will haul out the “I’m gettin sloshed on the job!” comment at the drop of a hat. These people are usually 1) lying, or else 2) raging alchoholics and, thus, probably not allowed to work from home. You, however, are neither of these because you’re reading this article. Getting plowed on company time is a time-honored tradition. Long have stories been told of wild “conventions” that are thinly-veiled binge events. There’s also the popular “off-site meeting,” followed closely by classic “three martini lunch.” All of them are wonderful in their own right, but can’t beat the pleasure of you being in your own home, working for a living, and getting absolutely shitfaced in the process. Currently, I make $15.30 an hour and I’m usually half off my ass by noon. The key here is moderation. While it’s probably tempting to start your day off with a drink (or 2, 3, 12, you get the gist), you should wait until around 11 – 11:30. The reason here is mostly because you want to ensure that The Office Snitch has already done their rounds, or else that True Middle Management might be on their way over and may even be willing to “expense” a couple rounds at the local watering hole. The other reason is, of course, that you don’t want to turn into a raging alcoholic. So, again, moderation. Start around 11 to 11:30, ease into it. Beer and wine are great libations of choice since most folks can easily nurse a glass of either for long enough to maintain a moderate buzz without getting completely off your ass. Exceptions to this are any type of Engineer as they tend to pretty much stay hammered through the duration of their career anyways. So take it in moderation and try to keep things low-key until about 4 pm. After that, you’ve only got an hour left anyways, so make that shit count.

Of course, doing any of this while “working hard” is flat-out impossible. Working “smart” is the key here. You’ve got to become proficient in the art of stretching things out. After all, why be hyper-effective when, with a modicum of effort, you can be “acceptably productive” and make your work-at-home life that much easier and rewarding:

• “Research” is a great tool. Tell the customer that you’re “researching” their issue and then waste an appropriate amount of time. For added customer-satisfaction, you can also “verify” what your “research” has uncovered. Don’t be greedy though.
• Call-backs are equally as effective. Instead of leaving your customer on hold, just offer to call them back.
• That way you don’t have any sort of incessant reminder of their presence on your line. Plus you can occasionally “forget” the customer to your benefit. Again, do not get greedy here.
• Training/Self-study. Most training anymore is web-based and completely automated, no humans involved. If you are offered ANY sort of training opportunity, you better use it. And make sure that you demonstate a THOROUGH understanding of your training by taking as long as feasible. Fortunately, most training is designed for the slowest of the herd in mind, so timeframes are often wildly inflated. Since you work from home, it’s assumed you are not the slowest of the herd. So if your training is supposed to take 4 hours and it really only takes you 30 minutes… well my friend, you just earned an extra long lunch didn’t you?

With the proper application of these three techniques, it’s likely that an average 8 hour day can actually be filled with only about 2 to 3 hours of actual work. Be prepared, not every day is going to be a holiday. You are going to have those days where you have to put in an actual 8 hours. However, careful planning on your part pretty much means that these will be infrequent.

And there you have it. A simple guide to absolutely capitalizing on your work-from-home experience. By following this guide you will likely earn maximum rewards for only a modicum of effort. Just remember to always keep your goal in mind, which is the continuance of your company handing you this golden assignment. Do it well and it’s yours forever. Do it expertly and you may even get a raise for your “dedication.” Just try not to show up for the “performance review” drunk… see if you can get an offsite evaluation for that one.

Cheers!

There’s this guy in our little circle of friends -we’ll call him ‘Robert’- who we think is a liar. He claims that he has a horribly inoperative form of cancer, but it getting treatment for it. As a result, he doesn’t hold down a job and he mooches off of any of us he can find. He’s gotten hooked up with this one girl and has her pretty much around his finger. He lives with her, but not ‘with’ her, yet they act like it. When we ask about his treatment, he’s vague and noncommital. When we point out that chemo kills your hair, he states he takes Rogaine pills. Frankly, we’re starting to see through his crap, but we don’t know if we should say anything to the people he’s mooching off of. Any advice? It’d be great if it were DEVIANT…”

- MM, Norman

Well MM, I can see where you’re in a delicate situation there. Cancer and other terminal-esque illnesses can be quite difficult to deal with. The treatments, the pain, the weight loss, the endless medications, and Rogaine pills all tend to have massive effects on the bo… Wait. Rogaine? Pills? Ok, so let me quote Billy-bob Thornton in the epic classic Bad Santa… “Are you fucking with me?” Seriously. Rogaine pills? And you said nothing? Shame on you. Ok, let’s get to the advice.

Basically it’s your job to out this fraud. Couch-surfing under the premise of being a grad-student/retarded hippy/Bob Dole/whatever is one thing. But when you start doing it under the auspices of being terminally ill, yet getting some treatment, you’ve crossed a line. If you don’t want to work, that’s fine. If people want to take care of you for that, that’s fine.. it’s retarded on their part, but whatever. Just don’t lie about it. Or, at least choose a PLAUSIBLE fucking lie. Jesus christ. So yes, MM, it’s your job to stand up and proudly proclaim that this man is a sham. However, there’s going to be some fallout and you need to prepare for it…

First off, with respect to those who are currently putting this idiot up… You’ve probably got a losing battle on your hands. If your intent is to save them, then it’s probably going to fail. This person is probably already aware that the guy’s lying his ass off and probably doesn’t care. She’s probably got self-esteem issues out the ass (and I bet it’s a tubby ass, too) and it’ll take more than a simple “he’s lying, kick him to the curb girl!” (fuck, stop watching Maury.. -ed) is going to do fuck-all to help. He probably gives her just enough to keep her flagging self-esteem at least at half-mast, so she comes back for more. So, really, you’re only hope is to confront him directly.

And that won’t work either. It sounds like he’s got a small network of guillable saps pooled together that he can wander in between and, as mentioned before, they don’t care about his lies. You could try to appeal to his sense of ethics, but he likely has none (sold for Rogaine pills? -ed). His dignity is an equally useless target too since he probably has to sacrifice it on occasion to keep his living arrangements up. You could try an intervention, but it sounds like he’s probably at least smart enough to figure that out and either wouldn’t show up, or would just fight to keep up his lie. So, MM, your only real option is to go ninja on his ass.
You’ll need to consider smaller actions. Sublte comments, innuendos, etc. When out with a group, make sure you single him out for his “serious condition” and try to take care of it. Ask him if he needs anything special. Remind him that his cancer treatment can cause incontinence and ask if he needs extra Depends Undergarments? Does he require a special diet? Lots of cancer patients have actually eaten baby food at times since it tends to go down easier, so ask him if he’d like some strained carrots. With enough public humiliation, he might just renounce his ways, or disappear altogether (one can only hope eh?). Either way, you really have to ask yourself if all of the effort is worth it. However, that being said.. you do have a final option… actually, HE has a final option…

Ok so Im a dumbass. I completely missed me and my girls 2 year anniversery. I know Ive fucked up and I have to make it up to her, but I dunno how to do this. I thought about getting her roses or a teddy bear, or even a teddy LOL j/k. I’m lost here so HELP!!!”

- SA, Dallas

Well hoss, you’ve fucked up and fucked up good. Also, considering the submission queue is about 3 months behind, you’re SERIOUSLY fucked here. So in the hopes that you somehow are still with this lovely lady (pics of her tits, or it never happened -ed), we’ll try to help you out.

First off, you have no excuse to forget this date, or ANY date for that matter. Almost any place that offers free email offers a free calendar, so it’s not like this is some Intertube secret. Honestly, get hooked up with a calendar and USE the damn thing. With us? Great.

Second, this is going to cost you, but not in the way you think. Buying her any gift now is going to seem idiotic and weak on your part. You, my friend, are going to have to work for this one. That means all the stupid little shit she likes? Yeah, be prepared to do that by the ton ok. At this moment she’s probably thinking she can use this as leverage to go watch that insipid “Sex and the City” movie. Man up hombre and suggest it to her first. And be SINCERE about it, ok? Don’t mutter or mumble, just grab your sack and go. If it helps, Kim Cattral is sorta hot in a strange way, so maybe you can get some fapable material out of this.

Third, don’t apologize. Seriously. It shows weakness and also puts you in a position where you’re admitting “I have no clue how to fix this” and that pretty much hands over your balls to her and you obviously don’t want this. So resist the urge to haul out a “baby, I’m so sorry” and, instead, try to go with a “It’s moments like this that make me realize how much I take you for granted.” Yes, it sounds corny, but your chick is corny and it’s up to you to meet that level of corniness. If you can’t seem to remove “I’m sorry” from your sorry-ass vocabulary, then at least go one better and do it via a card. For fuck’s sake, don’t make it yourself either. You’re not in kindergarten anymore.

Fourth, gifts are pointless and pretty much say “I have absolutely no imagination and I hope to buy you off with shiny trinkets.” So, basically, you’ve told her you don’t care about the relationship and also think she’s a simple-minded idiot. Yes, a gift communicates THAT much, unless it’s a diamond the size of her head. Besides, start buying her gifts now and she’s just going to expect more and better gifts, something your broke-ass can’t afford since you apparently CAN afford Internet access but CAN’T afford a free calendar so you don’t forget this shit. So instead of gifts, try romance. There’s honestly not enough space here to get into what “romance” really is, so you’re on your own here. Considering that romance has been a relationship-defining characterstic for, oh, the better part of at least 10,000 years, I’m sure you can find SOMETHING on it.

Last, again, the calendar. Seriously. Most of them are free, so use it and let’s not have a repeat of this next year.

ps: you want to buy her lingerie? if you can’t remember an anniversary, her measurements are going to be an even greater mystery. seriously, don’t do it. and don’t get a gift card either, she’ll just think you’re calling her fat anyways.

- JM, Portland

Well JM, it’s like this… a gimp mask can be sexy in its own way and your girlfriend is too stupid to realize that “violence” can solve a shitload of problems if she’d just fucking LISTEN for once. I swear to God I have to tel…

Ok, so maybe that’s not the best approach. Frankly JM, your idea sounds dandy to us. Sometimes it helps to spice things up a little bit and you can even do it without involving the entire spice rack (”be careful of the cumin” is all I can really say here). Probably the best advice I can give here is to go slow. Start off easy and work it up to there. To that end, here’s some tips:

1) Bondage. Tried-and-true, it’s the most common of the bedroom sports. Plus it’s CHEAP too. I’d avoid the ever-popular (and played-out) silk scarves and opt for something like real honest-to-god rope. Why? Well, it’s all about physics. A silk scarf is pretty damn slippery in its own way and if you or your chickie are tugging like all hell, it’s likely that any knots will get pulled that much tighter and you’re now out the cost of your lovely scarf which you probably spent 30 minutes agonizing over at Target. Seriously dude, who gives a fuck if it matches the decor. Christ. So yes, rope. Go to Home Depot, Lowe’s, or your local hardware store and look at their rope section. I tend to get quarter-inch to half-inch rope, depending on what I want to do later. Larger diameters (try not to go past half-inch though, unless you have some unknown circus fantasy) work best for beginners since it’s easy to undo knots. Smaller diameters are better for more complex projects (it’s called “Shibari” and you can’t do it yet, ok.. back away from the hemp rope). And for God’s sake, keep some paramedic shears handy.

2) Blindfolds. Another great and easy way to spice things up a bit. Blindfolds work well because they remove just enough sense to make things somewhat mysterious (can’t see where the other person’s going) and also enhances other senses (you can hear the snap of the latex glove all the better). Blindfolds are good too because they’re CHEAP. Anything that’s fabric and long works well, just don’t be a retard and cover the nose/mouth.

3) Porn. Come on, you probably already have some don’t you? You don’t? The fuck? Seriously, get some. Mix it up a bit tho, try something different. The world of porn is getting bigger by the second and anything you can think of is quickly being subjected to Rule 34. Please note: if I find out that you’re watching/making anything involving “furries,” or “plushies” then I will hunt you down and murder you.

So there’s three simple ways to get started. Yes, there’s lots more, but it’s best to start off easy and work your way up. Plus it gives you plenty of time to get fitted for a good gimp mask.