Depression Marathon

Still Overwhelmed

2012-01-24T09:41:00.000-06:00

I've been home for a few days now. I'm not doing very well. I called my mother over the weekend, and she flew into town yesterday. I was lucky. She had a free ticket to use, so she's here for the next week to help me out. We have one month worth of bills to go through, tax information to gather, and general housework to accomplish. It's really hard for me to ask for help, but I'm glad she's here.

Overwhelmed at Home

2012-01-22T10:10:00.000-06:00

I got out of the hospital yesterday. My sponsor picked me up from the hospital, and then we picked up Puck from her house, and then we all came home. Oh my God! I am totally overwhelmed being home. Totally overwhelmed! I haven't been in my house since just after Christmas. My home feels sterile and unlived in. There are over 30 days of bills piled on my kitchen table. Nothing feels like my own.

The Last ECT

2012-01-20T17:48:00.000-06:00

I had my last ECT treatment today. It was uneventful, just the way I like it. I will be in the hospital overnight, and I will return home tomorrow morning. I can't wait to see my dog! I miss him so much! Apparently, he's been quite the charmer for his caretakers. I can't wait to return home with him and settle into our normal routine again. Overall, I'm feeling 100% better than when I came into

Doing better

2012-01-17T17:50:00.003-06:00

Just a quick note to let you know things are looking up. As I said in my last post, we changed some of the ECT parameters on Friday, and so far that seems to be making a difference. I've had two treatments with the new parameters, and I'm definitely feeling brighter. At this point, I may be able to head home as early as Thursday. I have another treatment tomorrow. If things go really well, I'll

Three more treatments

2012-01-15T17:51:00.001-06:00

It's the end of another long, inpatient weekend. Thankfully, we at least had football to watch both Saturday and today. Other than that distraction, and a visit from Puck yesterday, it's been another long, boring weekend here. Puck is now staying at the home of my sponsor, as friends Bill and Cindy went on their own two week vacation. He seems to be no worse for my absence, but I worry about him

The Gorilla

2012-01-11T22:59:00.000-06:00

A one ton gorilla sits atop my chest. It is depression. I am pinned. Suffocating. There is no chance of getting up. A one ton gorilla sits atop my chest. I can't breathe. My thoughts race looking for a way out. But the gorilla will not let go. I squirm with might. I wiggle and flail. Past successes matter not. This time the gorilla is not phased. I know not what else to do. My tool box is

Tough days

2012-01-11T17:50:00.000-06:00

It's been a couple of really tough days here. My mood is again in the toilet, and I'm still in the hospital. The current plan is to dismiss Friday after ECT #9. I feel like I've been here forever, yet I'm still so low. I'm worried and scared right now. I've had 8 ECT treatments with little to show for it. My mood doesn't seem to be responding, and that drags me further down the darkened path.

Why harm thy self?

2012-01-09T23:43:00.000-06:00

"What is it about banging your hand against the wall that relieves you," she asked? "I don't know," I said. "I don't really understand it myself." What I do understand is the shame and humiliation I feel admitting such a practice. It doesn't happen often. It's actually quite rare. But when my depression symptoms drag me into the darkest depths, this shameful compulsion sometimes greets me

Going home?

2012-01-07T14:48:00.000-06:00

I thought I was going home this morning. I had it all planned. I was going to finish my ECT course as an outpatient over the next two weeks, and I was going to return to part-time, part-time work on Wednesday, January 11th. Unfortunately, after a brief reprieve, I've been very low over the past two days. My mood absolutely tanked again, which meant returning home this morning was not the wisest

Hospital Update

2012-01-04T19:00:00.000-06:00

This is my first post of 2012, and it's about being in the hospital. Bummer. Actually, things are improving for me here. I had my 5th ECT treatment today. I am beginning to notice a brightening of my mood. I'm laughing a little easier, and my sarcasm is back. That's always a good sign. Unfortunately, the days are long here. We have plenty of groups, but it is just hard for me to be in one place

Back Inside

2011-12-31T18:08:00.001-06:00

I had my third ECT treatment yesterday. Unfortunately, I didn't return home afterwards. I was feeling so low I was in tears, and I was re-hospitalized. I think I am now here for at least one week or more. The doctor wants to do my remaining ECT treatments while I'm an inpatient rather than an outpatient. I'm hoping he doesn't want to do all ten while I'm here, because that would put me here for

2191 Days

2011-12-28T17:22:00.003-06:00

Six years ago today, I took my last drink. It's another birthday for me. It's hard to imagine my life today had I not quit drinking. In fact, I doubt I would have a life today. It's much more likely I'd be dead. And even in the dark moments of these recent weeks, I know I am privileged to be leading the life I lead. I have safe housing, a healthy body, the time and ability to do things I love, a

ECT--it's a waiting process

2011-12-27T20:13:00.000-06:00

I had my first ECT treatment today. I got home from D's house last night, spent the evening re-settling into my home, and got up early this morning to get going. I arrived at the hospital around 8:00 AM to begin the process. My least favorite part of the process is waiting. After having our vitals taken, one by one, each patient is sent to a tiny room with about 8 chairs to wait. It is a tiny,

Inpatient, Outpatient, ECT

2011-12-25T16:27:00.001-06:00

You may have been wondering where I've been. I was hospitalized Wednesday night. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to be there, but it was the safest, most sane place for me to be. While inpatient, I had no access to a computer, so no updates for you and no therapeutic writing for me. I got out of the hospital yesterday just in time to drive to my boyfriend's home for his family Christmas

I understand I'm not

2011-12-21T07:13:00.001-06:00

I don't understand the ups and downs. The rapid descents following the sanity discourage the most. Nobody can tell me what's going on. Focus on getting through, that's what they say. But I can't understand these rapid descents. Crashing to earth after feeling so, dare I say, normal Hurts. I want to understand what's going on. Struggling through is admirable, but it doesn't make it stop.

Happy Birthday!

2011-12-18T07:08:00.000-06:00

It's my birthday. Wow, I'm getting old! I remember when I used to think 40 was so old! Now I'm a bit into my 40's...yikes! I am blessed. I have everything I need, but it is a little tough for me to get older. I can't help but think about every year that passes, and what could have been, if not for depression altering my life. I'm grateful to still be a living, active participant in life. But I

Okay

2011-12-14T19:01:00.000-06:00

Okay. That's how things have been going since the weekend. Okay. My mood has dipped a bit since Sunday's post. Actually it's dipped a lot a few times, but I've survived. I'm working hard on dealing with the dips by remembering they are only temporary. Along those lines, I heard something great at a meeting last night. One woman laughed and said that she somewhere got the idea that she would

A good weekend

2011-12-11T17:48:00.000-06:00

It is nearing the end of the weekend, and the good news is things have gone well. I am with my boyfriend, D, at his house. We've been together for the past two days. We've been busy, and I think that has helped keep my mood in check. We were especially busy yesterday. I had trouble sleeping overnight, so I was out of bed very early. D awoke several hours later and we took Puck out for some

Focus forward

2011-12-08T06:24:00.000-06:00

There's no change thus far in the mood department, but I'm tired of writing about that. I'd rather turn my focus forward. Today I am preparing for a weekend away with D. Actually, I've been preparing for several days, as he and I are attending his semi-formal Christmas party on Saturday. Semi-formal is not something with which I am typically associated. I had to go shopping. It's hard to shop

Sometimes survival is ugly

2011-12-05T07:10:00.000-06:00

Another Monday, and here I am. I am dressed and ready for work again. The weekend was long. I wish I could say it was pretty, but it wasn't. I grappled with the decision of whether or not to go to the hospital more than once. I was so low, suicide crept in and took up residence in my brain. I couldn't see a way out, and I couldn't stand feeling so miserable any longer. Yet here I am. It's Monday

Glad it's Friday

2011-12-02T06:21:00.000-06:00

I last wrote here before work on Monday. Now I'm in the midst of my morning routine, and it's Friday. It's been a really long week. I haven't had the motivation or the words to write since Monday. My mood continues to challenge me to the fullest. I'm not sure how I've survived. I did my best to travel the path God laid before me. I made it to work. I went to my meetings. I met with and worked

Off to work

2011-11-28T07:09:00.000-06:00

Sitting under my artificial sun light, eating oatmeal, drinking coffee, and watching ESPN, I'm already dressed in my scrubs and ready to go to work. It's Monday, after all, and work is what I do on Monday. I made it through the long holiday weekend. It wasn't necessarily pretty, and it certainly wasn't easy, but I did not let depression totally knock me down. At times it was hard to move.

trouble

2011-11-26T09:54:00.000-06:00

trouble, trouble, trouble I'm in trouble feeling out of control feeling so low depression has me in its grip I'm not sure what to do don't know where to go I'm in trouble making the effort taking the steps the mood doesn't care getting harder to make the effort difficult to take the steps so low worse than low unfeeling, unemotional listless, impassive, indifferent numb worse than low hurts

A difficult day?

2011-11-24T07:17:00.001-06:00

Everyone knows holidays may be emotionally difficult, especially for those of us with mental illness. Maybe we are no longer close to family or friends. Maybe we don't tolerate large gatherings of people. Maybe we can't get off our couch and out the door to partake in the holiday cheer. Whatever the reason, holidays may be emotionally difficult for a wide variety of people in a wide variety in

Eleven Years

2011-11-21T19:27:00.001-06:00

It's time to change the description on my blog again. When I first began this blog, it read, "Diagnosed with depression 8 years ago, I lost the life I once knew..." And then it was 9 years. And then, until today, the number was ten. It's now been 11 years since my journey with depression ensued. Around Thanksgiving, 2000, I first noticed I wasn't feeling quite right. Eleven years ago... Not