DEBBIE DOES DRIVEL

BAREFOOT BUTT

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 03:55:00 +0000

Spring has sprung

Winter's gone (Pffft! Yeah, right.)

Time to drop 10

And put on the thong

With the onslaught of the warmer weather, thoughts turn to summer clothes. Time to lose the annual Christmas cheesecake butt and chocolate butter cookie hips just to keep the Hanes Her Way undies from riding up. Thong, my ass. Those things are just wrong. How the hell do you walk with your underwear up your butt? OK. If I looked like SI's Bar Refaeli maybe I'd think otherwise, but have you noticed she walks funny?

Fellow blogger Longrooffan doesn't care about Bar Refaeli. Nope. He's more concerned with matters of science that's why he sent me the following info.

Just in time for the skimpy clothes season, science has come through with a proven weight management method:

Booze.

Yup. I'm gonna get me a big bottle of Barefoot Bubbly and a straw and watch my butt melt away. Dr. Lu Wang from Boston's Brigham and Women's Hospital said it was OK. Actually, what he said was that women who are relatively slim that swill down 15 to less than 40 grams of booze a day were less likely to become BMWs (Big Maine Women - figure out your own state acronym) as they age.

This means there is no hope for Oprah 'cause she could suck down a gallon of Tangueray a day and she'll always see her butt without even turning around.

A short shot or a pony shot = 1 ounce = 30 grams. I haven't calculated the alcohol value for a glass of Barefoot Bubbly yet, and I don't plan to, 'cause there's nothing better than cheap booze with bubbles so it has to be good for you.

Watch out Melanie Nunez Fronckowiak, winner of the Best Butt Contest in 2008. My Fronckowiak's gonna beat your Fronckowiak by the 4th of July.

She walks funny, too.

Once you get over the photo above, you can check out Dr. Lu Wang's theory on booze and butts.

CLIPPINGS FROM THE FRIDGE: BAD HAIR DAY

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Clippings From the Fridge is a weekly series found here every Monday, inspired by the Two Nuns, One Gun story. These are wacky true news stories straight from the insanity fringe of society.

Cops: Woman Crashes While Shaving Bikini Line

CUDJOE KEY (CBS) ―A two-car crash on a Florida highway was caused by a 37-year-old woman who was shaving her bikini area while in the driver's seat, according to the Florida Highway Patrol. Her ex-husband was steering from the passenger seat.

 
Megan Mariah Barnes and her ex-husband Charles Judy were driving southbound Tuesday morning when they slammed into the back of a pick-up driven by David Schoff after he slowed to take a turn, CBS station WFOR-TV reports.

Barnes said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be "ready for the visit," trooper Gary Dunick explained.

Barnes and Judy allegedly drove another half-mile before switching seats. When they were pulled over, Judy claimed to have been driving. The trooper noticed burns on Judy's chest from the passenger-side airbag, which disproved their story. The airbag in the steering wheel apparently did not deploy.

Three passengers – a man and two women – were treated for minor injuries.

Barnes had been driving with a suspended license, just a day after being convicted in an Upper Keys court of a DUI. She was sentenced to nine months of probation, and her license was revoked for five years.

Now, Barnes is being charged with reckless driving, driving with a revoked license, leaving the scene of a crash with injuries, and driving with no insurance, WFOR-TV reports. She could face a year in jail if found guilty of violating her probation.

Judy was not charged in the crash.

This is beyond weird. She's driving with her ex-husband to meet her boyfriend. Like that in itself is not weird?

Apparently not weird enough.

She's shaving while driving with the ex, Chucky Judy, steering from the passenger seat.

Weird enough now?

Nope.

She rear-ends (how appropriate) a car, but keeps on driving. WTF? Didn't that hurt?

Apparently not enough 'cause she keeps driving, then switches seats with Chucky Judy so he can be the fall guy.

NOW is it weird enough?

Only when you look at her face. Maybe the agreement with the boyfriend is she shaves, he brings the paper bag to put over her head. I can't begin to rationalize where the ex-husband fits into this.

And I thought I had bad hair days.

Credits:

WBZ.com

Send your true, wacky news stories with "Clippings" in the subject line to DebbieDoesDrivel@gmail.com

CLIPPINGS FROM THE FRIDGE: LIFE SAVERS COME IN LOVE HANDLES NOW?

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Clippings From the Fridge is a weekly series found here every Monday, inspired by the Two Nuns, One Gun story. These are wacky true news stories straight from the insanity fringe of society.

Woman Says Her Love Handles Saved Her Life

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. -- A Florida woman said her love handles saved her life when she was shot entering an Atlantic City bar. 

Samantha Lynn Frazier said she heard two pops when she walked into Herman's Place early Saturday. The 35-year-old then felt pain and saw blood on her hand after she grabbed her left side.

 Atlantic City police said Frazier was an innocent bystander.

Detective Lt. Charles Love said the gunman was aiming for a man who escaped with only a bullet hole in his down jacket. 

The shooter is described as a 5-foot-5-inch male weighing about 200 pounds. The suspect remains at large. 

    Frazier told The Press of Atlantic City that 'I could have been dead. They said my love handles saved my life."

Frazier also told the newspaper that she had been "hollering" that she wanted to lose weight. She now said "I want to be as big as I can if it's going to stop a bullet."

Apparently Samantha Lynn Frazier is a few twists short of a Slinky. If Sam had NO "love handles", the short square dude that couldn't aim, likely due to his own love handles being a hindrance, would have missed her completely. Sam now thinks she has the perfect excuse to increase her Twinkies and Doritos intake so she can make herself the biggest target she possibly can. What logic.

Press of Atlantic City

Modesto Bee

Thanks to Wirecutter from Knuckledragging My Life Away who has shown me that the Modesto Bee is an endless source of wackiness.

Send your true, wacky news stories with "Clippings" in the subject line to DebbieDoesDrivel@gmail.com

TIE ONE ON WITH A BUNCH OF BOOBS

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 05:01:00 +0000

When did this so-called fashion thing start? Have they no mirrors? Have they no testosterone?

This is SO WRONG!!

Wait. That's Pretty Boy Brady. I bet that horse-faced Gazelle made him do it. Maybe she bought him the shirt with the tree that's growing out of his pants, too.

Frodo made him do this, but oddly enough Frodo is scarfless.

You've got to be kidding.

OK, well that's Pete Wentz on the left, so there's his excuse.

I don't know who the guy wearing the shade pull on the right is.

A more appropriate use of a scarf.

But this is even better.

CLIPPINGS FROM THE FRIDGE: THIS BALL GAME GIVES YOU FREE PIZZA AND A BAG OF FROZEN PEAS

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Clippings From the Fridge is a weekly series found here every Monday, inspired by the Two Nuns, One Gun story. These are wacky true news stories straight from the insanity fringe of society.

Urologists: Get A Vasectomy Before NCAA Tourney

ORLAND PARK, Ill. (CBS)--Are you a man planning to have a vasectomy? Urologists say this is the perfect time, as March Madness is set to start. 

Urologists say men should get vasectomies three days before the college basketball tournaments begin. They have been encouraging this for years. 

That way, they will have an excuse to sit in front of the TV and watch the games, all in the name of recuperation. 

Doctors at one Chicago-area urology clinic are even throwing in freebies. 

The doctors at 21st Century Urology in Orland Park are offering free pizza and a free bag of frozen peas to help with the swelling. 

"Just think, the perfect excuse to sit around, relax, and enjoy the games!" the clinic says on its Web site. 

The clinic has also been advertising their pizza-and-peas promotion on local sports radio. 

The urologists at the clinic, Dr. Robert Bonzani and Dr. Tony Mammen, bill themselves on their Facebook page as "the go-to guys for vasectomy in the Chicago area." They specialize in vasectomies that don't require scalpels.

A beer in one hand, slice of pizza in the other, and a bag of frozen peas in your crotch (male version of brain freeze), while you relax in your recliner watching a bunch of extremely tall sweaty guys play with their big orange balls. Male multi-tasking at its very best.

WBZTV.com

Send your true, wacky news stories with "Clippings" in the subject line to DebbieDoesDrivel@gmail.com

WARNING! SATAN IS IN MAINE AND RIDES IN AN SUV!

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 23:53:00 +0000

Dog is supposed to be man's best friend but my dog channels Cujo on a regular basis. Other times, she will snuggle you, sit on your lap, lick your face, chase snowballs and play endlessly, so she is known as NutJob.

Despite NutJob's rather fickle disposition, she is very cute when her jaws are not wrapped around a limb.

See?

A few days ago I pulled into a space in a store parking lot. There was an SUV parked next me and when I looked over at it, I jumped right out of my skin. The scariest looking, certainly Satan in one of his many disguises, was silently staring at me with his soul-sucking beady little eyes through the driver's side window of that SUV. I just know he was ready to burst through that window and grip my throat in his jaws, shaking me like a rag doll until I died from either fright or loss of blood because his eyes were truly demonic and his fangs were glowing.

See?

WTF is that thing? Bat-wolf dog? Westminster never had anything like that. He wasn't big enough for me to see the rest of his body and no way was I going to get out of my car and go over to his car to get a closer look.

Of note, when I returned to my car from my errand, that thing was running around inside his dark blue SUV, obviously possessed by some demonic being, in a forest green sweater.

CLIPPINGS FROM THE FRIDGE: ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE SWEET JESUS

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Clippings From the Fridge is a weekly series found here every Monday, inspired by the Two Nuns, One Gun story. These are wacky true news stories straight from the insanity fringe of society.

Border Agents Find Pot In Jesus Pictures

Agents: 3 Pounds Of Marijuanna Tucked Behind Frames

EL PASO, Texas -- The U.S. Border Patrol says agents found a stash of marijuana coming across the border in El Paso in an unusual spot: tucked behind a framed portrait of Jesus.

A Border Patrol statement issued Wednesday said the bust was made just before 3 p.m. Tuesday at the Bridge of the Americas in El Paso. A 22-year-old Mexican woman arrived at the port of entry from Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, in a sport-utility vehicle. According to the statement, she told agents that she had nothing to declare but some framed art. Cesar the drug-sniffing dog found otherwise. He was drawn to three framed pictures of Jesus Christ in the SUV. Agents found 30 bundles totaling about 31 pounds behind the backing of the three pictures.

The Border Patrol said it turned the woman to El Paso police for prosecution.

TheBostonChannel.com

One toke over the border sweet Jesús, one toke over the border.

Prayin' in my car Cesar can't sniff ganja

One toke over the border.

Dale and Gale, no relation to Chip and Dale, sang this "modern spiritual" best on the Lawrence Welk Show:

Thanks to Claire, DDD Chief Research Editor, and her uncanny ability to sniff out the wacky stuff on the Internet.

Send your true, wacky news stories with "Clippings" in the subject line to DebbieDoesDrivel@gmail.com.

HAPPY VD!

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 12:54:00 +0000

Don't forget to tell your Valentine how much you love them and appreciate them....all year, not just this one day.

If you don't have a Valentine, I took care of that stupid Cupid for you.

You're welcome.

THE WUSSING UP OF AMERICA

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 01:31:00 +0000

From an article on the Drudge Report during what the Big BO called Snowmageddon:

Shawn Punga and his wife, Kristine, of Silver Spring, Md., went to a hotel because they lost power and were concerned for their 2-year-old daughter, Ryder, (ride her punga?) who was bundled up in thick pink pajamas and slippers.

"I have just been watching the thermostat," he said. They left the house when it hit 60 degrees.

Are you kidding me? These two bailed when it hit 60 degrees?

60?

Here's a digital thermometer in my kitchen in front of a high-powered heat source. This is the average reading during the day in the winter. First thing in the a.m. it usually reads 52 to 54 degrees. The thermometer is really not necessary since I can just use NutJob the dog to tell me when I am in pipe freezing mode. If she walks in the kitchen and I see steam come out of her mouth, I know I need to kick the thermostat up a degree.

So Shawn, Kristine and Ryder Punga, congratulations on contributing to the wussing up of America.

Sixty degrees.

JHC.

The same area is expecting more snow tomorrow. I bet the Punga's packed up Ryder in a U-Haul and are heading to Florida, Wuss Capital of the World.

PS: For those non-wusses during the blizzard, what an awesome snowball fight at Dupont Circle in D.C.! Way to go!

CLIPPINGS FROM THE FRIDGE: CHILI, CHILI, CRASH, BANG!

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Clippings From the Fridge is a weekly series found here every Monday, inspired by the Two Nuns, One Gun story. These are wacky true news stories straight from the insanity fringe of society.

LOWELL, Mass. -- Police said a Massachusetts lumber truck crashed into a home after the driver was knocked unconscious by a small chili from Wendy's. Lowell police said Eric Gremm reported that he choked on the chili when the truck hit a bump, causing him to pass out as the flatbed truck veered off the road and slammed into the home.

The man, 59, said emergency workers at the scene told him that he had passed out, but he could not remember losing consciousness. 

Police said the truck hit the foundation of the home, and authorities were worried that the home might collapse when the truck was pulled out. 

Gremm was taken by ambulance to a local hospital for treatment of minor injuries. 

...and a followup: 

LOWELL, Mass. -- A Massachusetts house struck by a lumber truck whose driver said he passed out after choking on chili will be demolished.
 
Police said Monday that structural engineers and city building inspectors determined that tearing down the entire home is the only safe way to remove the truck, which has been lodged inside the house since Friday.
 
The truck driver claims that he choked on the chili he was eating when his truck hit a bump. The flatbed truck veered off the road and slammed into the home in Lowell, which is about 25 miles northwest of Boston.
 
The driver was hospitalized with minor injuries. A woman in the home was not hurt. 
 
Police said alcohol and drugs have been ruled out and that he could be cited for eating while driving.

You can be sited for eating while driving? Really? How many cops are woofing down a jelly doughnut while swilling coffee as they track down those evil overdue library book offenders? Mr. Gremm probably has an aversion to silverware and was just slurping the chili out of the cup. If he hadn't hit the house before he finished the chili, I wonder what would have happened about 1 hour after he finished the chili.

Article: Modesto Bee

Last Sentence & Photo: Boston.com

Story submitted by Wirecutter, owner/author of the wildly popular Knuckledragging My Life Away. Yeah, he's from California, but from the far right side.

Send your true, wacky news stories with "Clippings" in the subject line to DebbieDoesDrivel@gmail.com

SUGAR MAMA MIA

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Here in small town Maine, we have a local internet news site, which is pretty much the same content as the weekly local rag seeing they are both owned by the same company. As you know, it is different here, and that is not necessarily a bad thing 'cause it's blog fodder for me. Woo hoo!

While reading that local internet site, without even trying, i came across the following ad:

Sugar Mama Wanted

Category: Positions Wanted

Posted: Feb 01, 2010           

30 yr old male seeks wealthy, mature female to support songwriting/recording lifestyle.  Will perform handy-man tasks as needed. 

Pffft! Yeah, like he's a songwriter/recorder. The dude just wants to live the lifestyle. Don't we all, pal? I wonder if he plays the banjo.

Since the ad didn't give a phone number, just an e-mail address, who knows where he's from. So, using the power of Google, I typed in 'Sugar Mama Wanted'.

I won't do THAT again.

One of the first results was this, which I had to edit after I Googled all the acronyms listing his, uh, preferences 'cause there is apparently a world out there I know nothing about. I did not correct his spelling errors 'cause I'm not his mother, thank God:

Sugar Mama WANTED!  - 26

posted: January 20, 2010, 05:23 AM

Looking for someone that will do whatever you want or whatever you need? Then look no further. I am willing to do whatever you like. I will be at your every beck and call. The only thing I ask is that you throw a little something at me and I do love feet (message and worship). So if I interest you send me your needs and where you would like to meet. See you soon mama.

Jesus H. Christ. See? Right there. On the wall behind the loser of a human he created. THIS is the photo the moron chose to post in his sugar mama ad. Amazing waste.

Enough of that.

This ad for an auto repair shop was also on the local Internet site. As a member of that site, you can post your own ads without the benefit of having editors fix any errors. I changed the name of the shop because I am afraid there may be some Mafia ties here, but I left all else exactly as it was printed:

JOE SCHMO'S AUTO MOTIVE  rattles ?

By Schmo's Automotive Repair         

Feb 01, 2010                 

hi as we all no the rodes are getting rough and it isnt even spring yet if you start to hear rattles or thumps when going over these bumps it mite be a good idea to have things checked befor your car desides to go were it want to not were you want it to go!!!  stop in or call 596-7768

Unless you're driving a Flintstone mobile, I'd think twice about taking your car here.

CLIPPINGS FROM THE FRIDGE: OH, RATS!

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Clippings From the Fridge is a weekly series found here every Monday, inspired by the Two Nuns, One Gun story. These are wacky true news stories straight from the insanity fringe of society.

Woman Pleads No Contest In Rat Lunch Scheme

Investigators Say Rat Was Brought From Home

APPLETON, WIS. -- An Appleton woman who tried to extort money from an upscale restaurant by putting a rat in her lunch has entered no-contest pleas to two criminal charges.

The Appleton Post-Crescent reported 43-year-old Debbie R. Miller was found guilty after she entered the pleas to a felony extortion charge and a misdemeanor for obstructing police.

Prosecutors said Miller planted the rat at The Seasons on April 17, 2008, and then demanded $500,000 from the owners. She threatened to alert the media.

Instead of paying, the owners turned the rat over to investigators for their insurance company. They determined it was a domestic rat that had been cooked in a microwave. The restaurant doesn't use microwaves. Miller was arrested about three months later.

Sentencing is scheduled for March 8.

TheBostonChannel.com

The investigators determined it was a microwaved rat? Did they get two more rats and microwaved one and slow-baked the other? Did they do a blind taste test? Did they use seasoning? Was the rat organic? Did it taste like chicken?

So many questions, so few recipes.

Send your true, wacky news stories with "Clippings" in the subject line to DebbieDoesDrivel@gmail.com

DOES ELVIS COME IN XXX-LARGE?

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:01:00 +0000

We all see obese people every day. Sometimes I feel bad for them, but not when they are holding a banana split in one hand and one of those frozen thingies with the whipped cream on top from Dunkin' Donuts in the other. I have never seen an obese human in the produce section of the supermarket. Ever.

The other day I saw a woman who was about the size of the linebacker on the far left in this photo. She was in her late 60's/early 70's. She had no neck and she was as wide as she was tall.

In her best Weebles wobble but they don't fall down walk, she passed me and I did a double-take at the t-shirt she was wearing...in January...in Maine. Nevertheless this beauty was strutting her stuff in her XXX-large Elvis t-shirt. Now wait. This wasn't any old Elvis t-shirt. It was a gigantic Elvis head and neck picture on a gigantic t-shirt, with the photo beginning at the neckline of the t-shirt and ending at the bottom hem. It wasn't even the young handsome Elvis, but the fat bloated Elvis holding a microphone up to his mouth with a leather jacket on and a white scarf. The background of the shirt was bright royal blue. It was so her.

Can't you see her getting dressed in the morning? Turning left and right in the mirror (obviously she doesn't have a mirror), giving the double thumbs up to her reflection, and declaring "Damn! Lookin' good, Mama!"

NOT THIS DEBBIE

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 23:34:00 +0000

Here I am, minding my own business and everyone else's, when I checked SiteMeter ( a site that tracks how readers end up on a website) to see how and why you all get here and that's when I learned there is someone in the world looking for donkeys and Debbies.

Together.

***shudder****

Fess up. Which one of you searched the internet using the words "Debbie Does Donkeys"?

Donkeys? Asses? Oh, we will not go there, literally or figuratively, thank you very much.

I went to Google and put in "Debbie Does Donkeys and lo and behold, the second result is my blog for this post about a couple of asses.

There goes my pristine reputation.

Yay!!

ROAD OAFS

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 05:01:00 +0000

I'm driving home from work. It's raining like a cow peeing on a flat rock. Wind gusts are hitting 50 mph. Eighteen inches of snow still cover the ground and it's 45 degrees out - that means fog that covers the ground and only rises up about 4' so you can't see the lines in the road or the soft shoulder. You certainly can't see if a moose is playing chicken in the road, AND there are no street lights.

The average speed tonight is about 25-30 mph rather than the usual AFAP (As Fast As Possible). My Mini-SUV-Wannabe is getting tossed around in the wind and the wipers cannot keep up with the water cannon that is using my car as a target.

Add all these factors up and what do you get?

Road Oafs.

Most of my ride home is behind an oil delivery truck, which is a good thing because I'm following his lead in hopes he can see where he's going 'cause I can't see a freakin' thing. I'm like a Blue Angel pilot: if the lead pilot crashes and burns, so do the followers.

Coming up fast behind me is a Road Oaf in a pickup with high beams on. After a few minutes he flips the high beams down but he's rightonmybumper. Where does this moron think I can go with that BAT (Big Ass Truck) in front of me? I know he can see the BAT 'cause he's close enough to use my cup holder for his can of Bud.
I couldn't afford the James Bond package when I bought this car 9 years ago, so I have no choice but to tolerate the Road Oaf...all the way home.

Tomorrow I am looking into a retrofit of the latest James Bond edition from GM. I'll be sure to post photos.

CLIPPINGS FROM THE FRIDGE: THERE'S STILL A SPARK

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Clippings From the Fridge is a weekly series found here every Monday, inspired by the Two Nuns, One Gun story. These are wacky true news stories straight from the insanity fringe of society.

After her husband announced he was leaving her,  an Olympia, Wash., woman sought revenge by reversing the wires on his power tools. When he turned on his 220-volt table saw, he was knocked to the floor by a powerful electric shock.

The man, who works as a carrier for the U.S. Postal Service, told investigators with the Thurston County Sheriff’s Office that the table saw carried 220 volts. The arc from the plug adapter knocked him into some boxes located along the wall of the work shop, he told authorities. 

 Carolyn Paulsen-Riat, 33, was arrested on suspicion of one count of third-degree assault, domestic violence, and two counts of second-degree malicious mischief. She has no prior criminal record, court papers state.  A Thurston County Superior Court judge released Paulsen-Riat from jail Friday on her own recognizance, meaning she did not have to post bail.

It's a scorned Tool Time Tim in drag! Though hubby works for the US Post Office, she's the one who went all postal on him. You can bet hubby's walking to work rather than risking starting his car since Mrs. P-R is out on bail.

The Boston Herald

The Olympian.com

Send your true, wacky news stories with "Clippings" in the subject line to DebbieDoesDrivel@gmail.com

RED HOT CHILI SQUIRRELS

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 23:12:00 +0000

From the ever-trusted source, Wikipedia:

Crushed red pepper flakes are used in pickling, chowders, gumbos, spaghetti sauce, pizza sauce and sausage.

They forgot to add "squirrel" to the list.

I've been battling squirrels at the bird feeder for years. Those fluffy-tailed rats can go through a 5-lb bag of bird food in just a few days. I switched to thistle seed a couple of years ago which works great 'cause squirrels don't like thistle. Now a 5-lb bag of thistle costs more than it does to fill my car up with gas every week, so that ended.

I then got one of those Yankee Flipper bird feeders. It has a weight-activated perch that spins and flips the little suckers off.

Found this awesome 24-second clip on YouTube:

The only problem with it is that it's like friggin' Disney World for squirrels. They hang on, spin around fall to the ground, then back up the the tree, slide down the feeder and do it all over again. And again. And again. My Yankee Flipper rechargeable battery no longer holds a charge.

I even shot one of those little furry bastards right in the butt from my living room window with my BB gun. He fell off the feeder to the ground and glared at me. He limped away, looking over his shoulder at me, flipping me the bird.

Last week I mixed in some crushed red pepper flakes with the bird food. OK, so it wasn't "some", it was more like the whole bottle. Hopefully the info I read is correct in that it is harmless to birds, but squirrels and other furry beasts like raccoons, skunks (and even, hallelujah, cats), have the same reaction as humans:

I have not seen a squirrel for the past 6 days near my feeders. In fact, I haven't seen a squirrel within a 1/4 mile radius of my house. My non-spinning Yankee Flipper is only down 1/4 in seed since last weekend, the normal rate of consumption by tiny little birds. There were lots of birds at the feeder today, so I guess I haven't killed off the bird population...unless those are new birds from another neighborhood.

CLIPPINGS FROM THE FRIDGE: DUCK! MOOSE!

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Clippings From the Fridge is a weekly series found here every Monday, inspired by the Two Nuns, One Gun story. These are wacky true news stories straight from the insanity fringe of society.

Suit: NYC Eatery Patron Hurt By Falling Moose Head

New York -- A Web designer says she was struck by the decor at a New York City restaurant when it fell on her head.  Raina Kumra says in a negligence lawsuit filed last week that a 150-pound stuffed moose head with 3-foot-wide antlers plummeted off a wall at the Scandinavian-themed White Slab Palace on Oct. 4 and hit her. She says she suffered a concussion and other injuries.

The owner of the Manhattan restaurant hasn't returned a telephone message left by The Associated Press. Nor has Kumra, who's representing herself in the case.

Kumra filed her lawsuit in state Supreme Court in Manhattan. She's seeking unspecified damages.

Oh, what I would have given to have seen that! However, I did get to see something that was almost as good as a falling moose. A man was seated a table away from me in a restaurant/bar, reading a newspaper, holding it up in front of him, blocking his face. The waiter came by and lit all the candles on the tables. Yup. Newspaper dude didn't see the candle. He moved the paper to turn to the next page, was reading the top of the page, oblivious that the bottom of his newspaper was on fire. When he did discover it, 'cause no way was I telling him, he did a little fire dance, beating the paper on the table and pouring his water over it. He then continued reading, as if it was perfectly normal to have 1/4 of a newspaper, the bottom 3/4 burned off and all over the white table cloth.

Source:

Modesto Bee

Thank you once again to Wirecutter for this story. Take a click on over to his site, Knuckledragging My Life Away, just be sure to wear your Rambo pants when you do.

Send your true, wacky news stories with "Clippings" in the subject line to DebbieDoesDrivel@gmail.com

THE 11TH COMMANDMENT

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 00:48:00 +0000

This morning, as most Sunday mornings, Mr. Man asked if I minded if he went to church.

Huh?

Why would I mind? Just don't ask me to go with you and we're good. See, Mr. Man is a regular church-goer and I swear he's a saint. He's not a Holy-Roller-Praise-Jesus guy, just a quiet unassuming man who doesn't believe everything the church does, but has faith and gets something out of going to mass, like the flu.

Then there's me.

(OK, so I'm not blond, but otherwise it's the spitting image of me)

I imagine Mr. Man's real reason for going to church is to pray for my sorry soul 'cause someone has to. So, while he's in church worshiping and trying to get the Communion wafer unstuck from the roof of his mouth, I am at home worshiping this:

Recorded by Moses, that clumsy ox, before he tripped on his sandals while skipping down the mountain and dropped The Tablet breaking off the 11th Commandment:

Thou shalt not worship tea, instant coffee or coffees flavored with hideous false flavors, especially that named hazelnut.

THOSE FOOLS

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 03:47:00 +0000

Have you noticed? It's not pitch black out at 5 pm any more! Yay! I now wait until at least 6:30 before putting the PJs on.

On the drive home from work last week I noticed three red blinking lights slightly above one of the islands out on Penobscot Bay. I never noticed them before and I have seen them every day since. Hovering alien spacecraft? Control towers erected by the Chinese? Nah. This is Maine.

Nothing like that happens here. Yet.

When Mr. Man and I were driving by the harbor this past weekend, we stopped to look out over the water and at the islands. Twelve miles off in the distance (I Googled it) rising up over Vinalhaven Island, I could see three white spindle-looking things that I never noticed before. Then I knew.

Back in November, the Fox Island Wind project made it's debut on Vinalhaven, erecting three gigantic wind turbines which now provide power not only for the island of Vinalhaven, but for the nearby island of North Haven as well, about 2,000 homes. I could even see the blades turning on the turbines just by using my Super Eagle Eye Magenta Glasses of Power, closing my right eye and squinting really hard with my left eye. Hey, I still saw it! I'm not THAT old! Right? Damn you all.

I received an AARP card in the mail today. Can you believe it? What's wrong with those fools? I can't even think about retiring. I can still find my way home every day. Hell, I even know my name most days. Don't they know I can see wind turbine blades turning 12 miles away? So what if it took me two months to notice them or that I have more gray hair under the L'Oreal and a few new "laugh lines" on my face? I've earned everyone of those suckers and AARP can kiss my saggy butt.

WHADDA YA THINK?

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 04:09:00 +0000

As I was giving DDD a makeover these past few days, I noticed the last time I changed the template/format was almost one year ago to the day! I must get wacky hormones or something around this time of the year.

I need feedback. Let me know what you think. Is it easy to read? Easy to navigate? Are the colors too harsh? Does it make you want to puke?

Good or bad, leave me a comment so I can be done with this foolishness and get back to the important stuff, like getting my taxes ready and picking up frozen NutJob presents off the snow and ice that is my driveway until July.

CLIPPINGS FROM THE FRIDGE: IGNORE HER DUCT TAPED MOUTH OFFICER, WE'RE JUST HAVIN' SOME FUN!

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Clippings From the Fridge is a weekly series found here every Monday, inspired by the Two Nuns, One Gun story. These are wacky true news stories straight from the insanity fringe of society.

Dad Nabbed In Kidnapping Prank Involving Daughter

COVINGTON, LA -- A Louisiana father and his 12-year-old daughter were arrested for an alleged practical joke that startled motorists on an interstate highway: The father allegedly drove his pickup truck with the girl sitting in the passenger seat - bound and gagged with duct tape.

Authorities booked 45-year-old Tim Williams of Lacombe with criminal mischief and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. He was released on bond.  His daughter was cited for criminal mischief and released to her uncle.

Motorists called authorities Wednesday after seeing the phony kidnapping in progress. Several motorists boxed in Williams' moving pickup on Interstate 12 near Covington until police caught up with them.

A sheriff's spokesman didn't know if Williams has a lawyer.

The daughter was cited? She's 12 and has an imbecile for a father. I can think of times when I wanted to duct tape my son to a ceiling fan, but I never acted on it (I didn't have a ceiling fan at that time), and I'd never duct tape him in full sight of others. Geeze. Some people just don't think.

Modesto Bee

Thanks to Wirecutter for this story. Now go visit his site before he comes and finds you.

Send your true, wacky news stories with "Clippings" in the subject line to DebbieDoesDrivel@gmail.com

ASS EFFECTS

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 00:05:00 +0000

I'm sitting here minding my own business, Googling how to rid the world of squirrels, with the TV on in the background. Yeah, I know, I'm a wicked good multitasker, huh?

The Andy Griffith Show is on and Aunt Bee has a hot date with the guy whose voice you used to hear on the Aesop's Fables segment of Rocky and Bullwinkle, actor John Ruggles. A commercial comes on about acid reflux and the voice over says to ask your physician about Ass Effects.

Ass Effects?

WTF are Ass Effects? Donkeys gone bad? Jeans with holes where the rear pockets are sewn on (shut up) 'cause, um, someone's butt is getting too big? The results of politicians screwing up the world? Damn. There's a pill for everything.

Do you think the makers of "AcipHex" are regretting the name? If you pronounced it the way it is spelled with the capital A and capital H, it would be Assip Hex, but noooooo, they very clearly say Ass Effects. Upon checking out their web site, this is found on the bottom of the page:

ACIPHEX is a registered trademark of Eisai Company, Ltd., Tokyo, Japan.

End of mystery.

While searching for an appropriate photo for ass effects, I see a fellow Humor Blogger posted about this very thing back in August. Check out Unfortunate Names, a blog dedicated to the brilliant naming of products, such as Women's Horlicks.

SO HERE'S THE SCOOP

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Yeah, I know it's Thursday and it's supposed to be Why I Love ME day, however, things are out of control here in the Land of Drivel.

Seems my crack research staff, these three sons of bitches...

...can't handle the winters in Maine so they've left for Fiji until spring, which is usually around July 4th. Great, huh? Therefore, Why I Love ME is officially on hiatus. I know. What will we all do?

Now that 2010 is upon us, it's time to start the new year with a clean slate...or at least a clean blog. There's some heavy duty sprucing up coming this way, but I need Al Gore's help with all the Internet stuff, 'cause who else can figure this crap out? Only thing is, I can't find what rock that idiot is hiding under so I have a feeling I'll be figuring this all out solo.

In the mean time, there will still be the Monday Clippings From The Fridge series, thanks to Wirecutter over at Knuckledragging My Life Away. He lives in the Land of Fruits and Nuts, poor thing, and he just sent me a link to the Modesto Bee which has enough wacky stories to cover the next 627 Mondays.

There will still be regular posts from me, just no Why I Love ME. Since the last few WILM posts were only viewed by half-a-handful of people, I suppose you'll all survive.

Back to business. It just so happens I came across two engagement photos that made me do a double-take.

Check out Batman Dude:

Then we have The Groper:

WTF?

(I'm loving my new Mac's photo editing stuff! Suck eggs, Gates.)

Suggestions, complains and comments can be left here where it says "comments" (duh), or send an e-mail to debbiedoesdrivel@gmail.com....as if I'll read it.

CLIPPINGS FROM THE FRIDGE: THOU SHALT STEAL FROM LARGE NATIONAL CHAINS

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Clippings From the Fridge is a weekly series found here every Monday, inspired by the Two Nuns, One Gun story. These are wacky true news stories straight from the insanity fringe of society.

Priest Tells Hard Up Parishoners To Shoplift

LONDON (AP)-- Parish priest Tim Jones says it's OK to shoplift at times as long as you don't take more than you need — but British police, retailers and clergy disagree. Jones says people in desperate need may at times be justified shoplifting items from large chain stores. He serves a village in York 220 miles north of London. He defended his comments Tuesday despite much criticism, saying society is wrong to ignore the desperate plight of many poor people. The Archdeacon of York, Richard Seed, has released a statement saying the Church of England does not condone shoplifting. North Yorkshire Police have followed suit, pointing out that shoplifting is a crime. The British Retail Consortium also condemned Jones' views.

Ah yes, listen to your fellow priests, those humans who are supposedly closer to God than all others. Those men in black who have such upstanding morals, values, ethics and a penchant for small boys. Yes, listen to them for they will guide your moral compass and steer your ship right into the Bay of Hell.

Does anyone ever stop and think what traits a man must possess to become a priest and live their supposed pious lifestyle? Do they truly think that a human being is capable of upholding the rules that a priest must obey? Oh, come on! The Catholic church is nothing but one huge deviant magnet providing cover and protection for their priests, bishops, cardinals, right on up to the Pope. Bring on the nuns with guns! They'll straighten this crap out.

Gotta go unplug my computer, I hear thunder.

CREDITS: WBZ.com

PHOTO: Daily Mail