Dear Murray;

hustler, asshole, or idiot?

Ahh, ain’t America grand? While much of the world is happy to have a job makin KATHY LEE t-shirts for a bowl of plain rice a day, and drink their bathwater for the additional nutrients, our society’s become so spoiled, that even the mothafuckin homeless are demanding caviar and fuckin’ Cristal. Shit, in my day, if we were hard up, all we’d need was a bottle of Thunderbird and a packet of Kool Aid. Or a goddamned bottle of Everclear and a bottle of anything else. Kool Aid, OJ, Rhinelander, whatever the hell you could mix that shit with, you would. And we fuckin’ loved it. Because it got the job done. What was the job, exactly? TO TAKE THE MOTHERFUCKIN PAIN OFF.

Shit, if you’ve ever hidden from the goddamned landlord, if you’ve ever rooted through the sofa for change to buy a pack of fucking smokes, then had to light those smokes off of the stove… an ELECTRIC STOVE, if you’ve EVER EATEn RAMEN SURPRISE FOR TWO FUCKING WEEKS STRAIGHT AND LOVED IT, you’ve got no goddamned sympathy for a mothafucka being all demanding about wanting help then telling you how they want it.

SHITDAMNMOTHERFUCKER I can testify that govament cheese not only makes a mean ass grilled cheese sammich, a stellar mac n’ cheese, but that shit also makes an excellent caulk to repair your whole fuckin household. Shit, when I was little, I lived in a mothafuckin trailer HELD TOGETHER by govament cheese and DUCT TAPE. IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE, GODDAMNIT.

So who’s to blame for all of this? Yep. You guessed it. LADY AND THE TRAMP. In one fucking scene, Disney changed the whole landscape of American beggary. GODDAMNIT I DON’T WANT SOUP KITCHEN FOOD! I WANNA MOTHERFUCKIN ‘SGHETTI AND MEATBALLS!

Shit, it’s rampant in our society. We’ve all developed such a sense of fucking entitlement, we expect the whole fucking world to just be handed to us on a silver mothafuckin’ platter. I WANT MY PSP! YOU BOUGHT ME THE BLACK ONE, I WANTED THE WHITE ONE! I HATE YOU, MOMMY!

Christ. We really are doomed.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray,

My woman wants to name our baby boy Draco.

Well, I think that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard. There are plenty of kids out there named Moon or Rock or Earthfart, and they desperately need someone else’s ass to kick. You’ll be doing the world a great service!

People really need to think about the repercussions of the name they stick their chilluns with. Picking a name just because of shit that YOU think is cool is going to automatically give them built in reasons to hate your asses. Just ask my friend Farsheed Mahboubi’s son, Phil.

Of course, if you read into the subtext of all the names out there, you’ll never settle on a name. DANA, KELLY, SAM… you’ll be setting the kid up for a life of androgeny and sexual confusion. BROC, ROC or any variation… hell, why not just name your boy MEATHEAD?

I have thought long and hard about this subject, and the only infallible name I’ve come up with for a boy is Thor. Thor Thunderdick Jones. Ain’t nobody gonna fuck with that kid. Nope.

If it’s a girl, hoo boy. Don’t name her after a virtue. CHASTITY, HOPE… guaranteed WHORE names. Black women have the naming shit down. Name her something that ain’t nobody ever been named before. Just start grabbing syllables from the air. CHANTICLEEROESHA. That’d be my daughter’s name. Chanticleeroesha Stem Cell Research Garcia, III. We’re bringin back the matriarchy!

So go ahead, name your kid Draco. With a little luck, all those ass whoopings will make the little bastard a badass, and he can pretend to be an Eastern European action hero someday. Oh, and lay off the Harry Potter.

What are your thought on illegal immigration? I say fuck ‘em! If their forefathers were too lazy and stupid to hang on to their real estate that’s not our problem. Plus, look what squalid garbage heap countries most of these people come from. What makes us think our country won’t end up looking exactly like that??! I say we bill the countries of origin of these assholes and start tying the tubes of every woman who wades across the Rio Grande!

AMERICA IS TEH AWESOME! SPEAK ENGLISH OR DIE! Hell, if I don’t find a flag and a Bible to jerk off to in the next 65 seconds, my head is gonna explode.

Well, you wanted to know my thoughts, not the prevalent thoughts, so here goes. First of all, to get all worked up about this shit, you’ve gotta buy into the load of shit that is borders and property ownership and all that crap. Sure, we’re territorial beasts, but what do we really own? You buy a plot of land for which to make your homestead, and some company owns the mineral rights underneath. Hell, we’re not too far off from water being the new oil.

It’s gonna totally suck for all you lazy, stupid people who gotta pay $5.00 a gallon at the pumps for some ExxonH2O, just to brush your rotting teeth. Hey, you shoulda seen it coming, though, right? Personally, I can’t wait until all the land and everything under it are owned by five white guys. It’s too damned confusing having to pay so many different motherfuckers every month. One world, one check. Hell, he’ll also be my boss/missa massa, so I won’t even have to write a check. Woohoo! Convenience. It’s what our forefathers died for!

But I digress.

Sure, you motherfuckers can buy into the whole illegal immigration bullshit all you want, just like you bought into the whole MUST PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE crap they’re feeding you. These are obviously the most pressing issues of our times. GAY MESSICANS ARE RUINING OUR COUNTRY!

I mean, hell. If you add up all the money that every illegal immigrant who has ever come here has made, it couldn’t pay for the war in Iraq. Illegal immigrants make peanuts, so your asses can have cheap tomatoes, and your favorite chinese restaurant can offer the $2.99 special. Our economy is dependent upon cheap Mexican labor, and the minute they’re all deported, the cost of goddamned everything will skyrocket, and soccer moms everywhere will go on shooting rampages in the Wal Mart checkout lines. WE ARE AMERICANS, AND WE HAVE A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO FALLING PRICES!

But the part that really gets me is how this whole illegal immigration makes being a racist trendy again. It’s one thing to discuss illegal immigration v. legal immigration, playing the game and going the legal path and all that bullshit. That isn’t the debate I hear. What I hear is “HOW COMES AH GOTS TUH PRESS 1 FER ENGLISH ON MUH PHONE? IT AIN’T RIGHT!”

I never realized the English Colony REPRESENT instinct was still so embedded in us. English is OUR language? Who the fuck is WE? VA FANGUL! I’ve got more Italian in me than anything else, so lick my ass with that British empire superiority bullshit.

I could understand if we’d made up our own language, but here we are, 200+ years later, clinging to the fucking language of the country we seceded from. THE ONLY LANGUAGE WE HAVE INVENTED SINCE WE CAME HERE IS EBONICS.

Now, if all y’all want to make Ebonics our official language, and force everyone to learn to speak it, I am totally down with that idea. Otherwise, shut the fuck up with all the speak English or die crap.

We’re headed toward squalid garbage heaps faster than any country in history. We consume shit, we dump shit, we eat shit, we pollute shit. Our toilets are the biggest toilets in the whole goddamned world. They have to be, to swallow the ginormous turds that flow from our fat assholes. WE ARE COVERING OUR OWN SELVES IN SHIT.

I’m not worried, though. Once BP buys the garbage rights to my land, I’MA BE SET!

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Feed my some of your wisdom. What is your viewpoint on Love in general. I am a mother of one and my husband and I are seperated. I doubt that we will ever get back together. I am quite sure it will end in divorce. I am not ready to date obviously, but when I finally am, what would some good advice be for getting back into the scene and finding the right one. ‘Cause I don’t want to waste my time a second time around. Thanks

When asked to define love, I’m not sure that anyone has ever defined love better than Brak, from Space Ghost:

You know love is a happy time. All throughout the universe. It’s when the male part of the species goes to the female part of the species and says: “Hey, do you want to go on a date?” And then she would say: “Why yes, I’d like to go on a date.” If you’re LUCKY!- And then you go to a restaurant, and she gets something called A salad. And then he gets a big piece of beef, that he eats. And that to me ladies and gentlemen, is LOVE. Kinda makes you cry, doesn’t it?

Anyhow, there’s a bazillion websites out there raking in fortunes from everyone’s neverending quest to FIND THE RIGHT ONE. OMG COULD YOU BE THE RIGHT ONE?

Fuck all that nonsense. The harder you try, the more desperate you’ll be, because you’ll just wanna get the whole stupid thing over with. You’ll settle down with someone just as desperate as yourself, and you’ll cling all over each other like mold on rotting tomatoes. Note: This is also a preview of what your chilluns will look like.

The desperation of the world is getting even stronger, and I’m sure the innerdating sites are largely to blame. YOU MEAN I CAN JUST TAKE A QUIZ, HIT ENTER, AND IT WILL COMPUTE AN SPIT OUT MY SOULMATE? YES, IT’S TRUE! AND FOR ONLY $49.95, I CAN DO THE SAME FOR YOU! Take a look at the last happy couple I brought together:

If you prefer to go it alone, and keep up the great eternal hunt, you’ll need the proper equipment to make sure you don’t pass the right one over.

The “right one” could be living literally right under your nose! He’s been holed up in his underground bunker beneath your back yard since 1972. He’s just waiting for the “right one” to come along, and replenish his supply of canned meats.

These guys got tired of waiting around for the right one to find them, so they utilized their hunting instinct. Ya gotta be careful, though. The nets can damage the right one’s tentacles if you’re not careful!

If you’re looking for the HUMANE way to snare the right one, this is your best bet. Set the trap, bait it with some booze, nachos and playboys, and wait. You may even catch more than one, but you may have to separate them, so they don’t fight. This method will not harm the right one, and gives the added benefit of holding them in place long enough that you can be sure that they won’t flee.

Good luck trapping the right one. I found love the ol’ fashioned way. By being myself and not being so intent on FINDING THE RIGHT ONE so badly that when my Maybelle came along, there was no doubt about it.

And THEN i put her in the cage!

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Good job, America. You’ve just proven that it’s never too soon for a little opportunism!

Saw this shit going around on the Facepage yesterday. “Like this page for 9/11! Woo!” You motherfuckers would sell your own grannie into slavery for a share.

I’m sure that seemed like a brilliant marketing ploy. “Who doesn’t like 9/11? I mean, come on.” Instead, you come across looking like a complete and total fuckwit, and I hope your shitty business gets filled with hantavirus.

Soon, you’ll be having your 9/11 sales. Call now and get a large pizza for only NINE DOLLARS AND ELEVEN CENTS!

What next? HELP US GET TO SIX MILLION LIKES, for all the Jews killed in the holocaust! ANNE FRANK LIKES THIS NAIL SALON.

If you posted that shit, I’m coming to your business and shitting on your floor.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray,
In your blog, someone wrote in about having sex with someone unattractive. I don’t understand this point of view.

To me, life is too short to want to have anything to spend time with someone you don’t like, let alone get nasty with them. Otherwise, it seems there is something (not necessarily physical) that one finds attractive in order to get it on.

Since you seem to have engaged in a grudge fuck or two in your day, what is the mindset behind this? Help me understand.

– Lubbin the ladies

See, now a good ol’ hate fuck is an idea that I can support 100 percent. I’ve testified many times before that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

If you hate someone REALLY passionately, you are just as moved as if you were mad ass in love with them. You’re in love with everything they’re not. Every. goddamned. word. out of their mouths riles you up even more. THAT IS WHY GRUDGE FUCKING WORKS. You’ve got all this pent up frustration wanting to explode, it doesn’t matter which head explodes first, but one of them’s gotta BLOW.

If you REEEEEALLLY hate someone, you do find them attractive. There’s nothing you love to do more in the world than sit around hating that person. If you’re that emotionally moved by someone, it’d probably be the BEST SEX OF YOUR LIFE. Much better than the $20 Tijuana black-eyed whores you’re getting now.

It’s kind of a one money shot deal, though. Once you’ve dropped the bukkake on your nemesis’s face, the whole dynamic is destroyed. Future sex would be futile, and it’d take extra hard work to keep hating them after that. SO CHOOSE WISELY, AND DON’T BLOW YOUR LOAD TOO SOON TOO SOON!

The part that confuses me is the people who will bang motherfuckers they don’t find attractive, who don’t move them in any direction on the dial. Just throw it in ‘em. Like flossing the teeth every night. Scratching an itch on your pimply asses. Draining the vein.

Y’all should at least try incorporating some domestic violence foreplay into that shit, or something. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE = THE SPICE OF LIFE.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:

hi i have read alot of the stuff you had typed and agreed with it thats why im asking you for some help if you could you see i live in floirda and this guy i am going out with lives in ohio i am 25 hes 29 but the problem is he lives so far its really hard i never cheated on him and would do what ever i can for him is there any way to make a long distance realanship work out with out getting to sad and not seeing that person ?

ABSOLUTELY. You should build effigies of that person in your basement. Get a mannequin, and plaster a printout of their face on it. Dance with the mannequin every night. If yo’ mannequin’s got the happy feet, you should get down and grind with it. Next time your long distance lover’s in town, propose a 3-way with them and your ersatz lover. DUDES LOVE THAT SHIT. PROMISE!

Face it, if you’re ever in a long-distance relationship, at least once a week you’re gonna find yourself saying “WELL, IF THIS WASN’T THE STUPIDEST MESS YOU EVER GOT YOURSELF INTO, DUMBASS!” Hell, in LA, if they live more than 3 city street miles away from you, that shit’s too long distance to bother with. Oh, sure, it can theoretically work out, and I’m sure it has before. Just like I’m sure that someone somewhere has gotten a FREE ipod on the internet before. I sure as hell ain’t seen it, but it’s probably happened!

Dating someone across the country is just opening your own ass to a whole load of problems for yourself. Before long, you’re gonna be so paranoid jealous you’ll be calling their ass 17 times a day, just to make sure they’re not seeing anyone else. BUT DON’T WORRY, THAT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU CLOSER!

I’ve never seen one single long-distance relationship work out. But hey, you’ll always have your MAN-nequin! We already know he’s the better dancer, anyway.

Come on, don’t you watch TV? All long-distance couples are now all required to go on the Amazing Race, JUST TO SEE IF IT IS GONNA WORK OUT. It never does, and they always hate each other, and one of them throws the race because they hate the other one THAT goddamned much, but hey! At least you’ll get to bungee jump, which is more action than you’re getting now. Maybe you’ll even meet your next long-distance lover while on a mission to find a fish shop in Kampuchea!

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:

You may not remember my story, but I wrote you last year. The guy I was involved with was about to get married in November. After reading your response and the criticizing comments from others, I decided to give you an update. Well, yes he did get married. (I’ll admit that I was very hurt) But to make a long story short, nothing between us have changed. He was married on a Saturday, I fucked him the Wednesday before. He called me right before he got married. One week later, he was back at my house. I used to feel bad for fucking a married man. But you know what Murray? Why should I feel bad. I think that if these women knew how to take care of their fucking men, then they wouldn’t have to stray away. I consider myself the lucky one because at least I can just walk away from the situation when I want. He’s married now, and is regretting every moment of it. Don’t ask ME why he got married in the first damn place. Guess you didn’t believe me when I told you he must’ve felt obligated to marry her. I on the otherhand, I would rather just fuck him when I want to and send his sorry ass home to his wife who apparently doesn’t know how to please her man. And like before, I see him more than his damn wife does because she puts her fucking job before their new marriage. (Big mistake ladies!!) So, to all of your bloggers who criticized me for staying with this guy, I know he ain’t hittin on shit. The sad thing is that his wife doesn’t know and she probably should have done an investigation on his ass before comitting herself to him. I don’t mean to sound like I’m bashing the wife because honestly I don’t even know her. You, Murray, may look at the situation and feel so sorry for the wife and think of me as the trifling ass hoe. Well, go right ahead, but let this be a lesson to all the women who think the have a perfect marriage and the perfect man. There will always be some other woman out there who can and will have your man.

Signing Off…….

And this right here is why I started doling out my heart felt advice in the first damned place. People are all HEY WHAT SHOULD I DO? The answer is always obvious, but they’re gonna do what they want anyway, which is the most retarded path possible. U DON’T KNOW HIM LIKE I KNOW HIM!

Honestly, I don’t feel sorry for anyone in the situation. I don’t much give a fuck. It takes years and years of hard ass work on your point to get to the point where this shit will be funny on Springer for 10 minutes of our time. So, keep up the good work, and you’ll get there! AIM HIGH!

At least you’re not sitting there telling us “BUT HE LOOOOOVE ME! HE LOOOOOVE ME!” which, quite frankly, is making this letter kind of boring. We’re pulling for you, here. YOU CAN WIN YO MAN. You need to fight that bitch, film it, and provide us with a live video feed! You need to marry him and have like 154624516452 of his babies. THEN WE’LL CARE! I PROMISE!

Meanwhile, quit bothering me with this petty, run-of-the-mill cheating ass other woman on the side thing. Woman, you can’t even do a good job at being a crazy ass ho. We’ve got standards around here.

You want a REAL problem? I had to drive a cocklicking fucking PT CRUISER for two weeks, and FIGURE OUT HOW TO SOMEHOW NOT BLOW MY FUCKING HEAD OFF!

Now leave me the fuck alone.

THE CARS YOU DRIVE AND WHAT IT MEANS ABOUT YOU.

 = 

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

Keep on truckin’, and leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:

Why the fuck does everyone hate Wal-Mart so much? All it does is employ all the immigrants and hold them down and away from the good jobs? It is puzzling.

Oh, I loves me some Wal Marts. That’s what the folks in Indiana call them, ’cause they add an unnecessary ‘S to the end of everything. Wal Mart’s. Kroger’s. TRAILER PARK’s. Hell, where else can you buy an entertainment center for $27.87? Sure, that piece of shit corkboard crap will collapse within two weeks under the weight of your 19 inch tay-vay and rabbit ears, but when you’re broke ass, you take what you can get.

Where else can you buy certified MADE IN THE U.S.A! U.S.A.! Sam’s Choice weak ass New Coke formula soda made in REAL American sweatshops in Korea? That’s what America’s all about. Making the rest of the world work hard, so we don’t have to (or have a choice to, once our factories all have shut down).

I beam with pride knowing that Wal Mart helps my tax dollars subsidize thousands of hard-working American families who would otherwise make too much damned money to earn a cut of welfare, and that shit would just be UNFAIR!

I love Wal Marts because, no matter what city I’m in, all I’ve got to do is look for some falling prices, and I’ll find the white trash contingent, and I’ll be right at home. They could drop a Wal Mart right in the middle of the Hamptons, and it’ll be crawling with toofless dudes in John Deere hats, lining up to buy giant bags of pork rinds and ammo.

Most of all, though, I love Wal Marts because, every time I go in one, some dude who used to beat my ass is working there pushing carts. I don’t buy anything. I just push carts all over the lot, and watch him go get them. It’s much more entertaining than my broken ass $50 Wal Marts TV.

Now leave me the fuck alone.