Deadpan Inc.

Stupid Edison

2010-05-08T10:04:00.003-05:00

Boy, it's been awhile since my last post. Busy, busy, busy. I'm not sure if the following is all that funny, but it is something that really bugs me. Wires on poles. In the 21st Century? Seriously?

Every few years my electric company, ComEd, comes down our street with crews to trim the trees under the electric lines, carving them into Y shapes to make room for the wires. It looks ridiculous. And the branches still knock down the wires when it storms. How can we force them to invest in a more reliable, less visually-polluting, infrastructure?

Am I starting to sound a little like Andy Rooney? I am not a curmudgeon. I'm not.

Foreign Accent Syndrome

2010-04-20T23:23:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I know, it's been a while. But I've been really, really busy. New episodes of Breaking Bad are airing!

This was a half-baked idea I had bouncing around in my head for a long time and kind of forgot about it, and then I saw the story of the British woman suddenly talking with a Chinese accent and it came back to me. Enjoy.

Update: I found video of the lady in the news story. She's not talking in a Chinese accent any more; now it's sort of generic European.

Touchless Soap Dispenser

2010-04-03T08:47:00.004-05:00

This seems to be a totally different subject, but it could be considered a sequel to last week's health care reform episode, which for some reason is getting 10x the normal number of YouTube views.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a socialist, at least not all the time. Free-market capitalism is great for some things. If it weren't for free-market capitalism, we'd all still be toting around Commodore SX64s. Here's what that looks like:

I used to use a box like that to program multimedia shows. (I'm really old.) That open bay is for a second $400 170 KB floppy drive, which was handy for making back-up floppies. But I digress.

I'm glad capitalism drives so much innovation and creativity, most of the time. But when it comes to my health insurance, I'm not sure a corporate entity whose primary objective is maximizing ROI for the investment community has my best interests at heart. There it seems all the innovation and creativity goes into finding new ways to screw us.

Here's one of those nifty soap dispensers. Only thirty bucks (batteries not included). Note the handy built-in tray for catching the inevitable dribbles due to lack of hand/motion-sensor coordination.

The Health Care Reform Puppy

2010-03-25T07:56:00.003-05:00

I'm just going to throw this out there and see what people think. I have a feeling it might be a little divisive. Please feel free to leave a comment--just try to avoid the worst obscenities and death threats. There are kids here.

The Fattest Woman

2010-03-19T19:32:00.005-05:00

I started writing this about the woman who wants to eat her way over to over a thousand pounds, and I was going to have them talk about the consequences for her if she fails, the function for society that "the fattest man" and the "the fattest woman" serve in helping us feel better about our not-so-fat-after-all bodies, and what not. But then the idea took an entirely different turn for the better, I think. Enjoy.

Shaving Accident

2010-03-08T15:27:00.005-06:00

Here's another news item from Florida. I'm actually in Florida as I write this, working with some local guys that in no way live up to the stereotype set by some of the stories I've covered previously.

Please allow me this blatant bit of content-relevant SEO: pussy shaving. I feel more than a little dirty doing that, but you know it's going to boost my page views.

Take Your Child to Work

2010-03-05T00:44:00.003-06:00

Haven't heard anything in the news lately that has inspired me, until this story came along. Not that there hasn't been idiocy in the news. Repubs trying to make a simple application of a Senate rule sound like an unnatural sex act. Making bills passed by both houses match up so they can get a simple majority vote and become law??!! Reconciliation??!! Our legislative branch actually making laws??!! OMG!!!

Sorry. Enjoy this fine episode.

Just a few more things about health insurance reform. First, it's not health care reform, it's health insurance reform. And second, don't show me polls that say most people don't want this reform. Other polls show most people want everything that's in this reform. There's a reason our founding fathers didn't set up our laws to be made by public referendum. Sometimes the public wets itself and says stupid shit to manipulative poll takers.

Lap Dances for Haiti

2010-02-16T07:00:00.001-06:00

I actually respect these people for trying to help out.

All kinds of corporations (oil companies, tobacco companies, etc.) try to burnish their images by giving to charity. Why shouldn't a strip club? I guess they have been trying to do something like this for years, but no charity wanted to be associated with them. But in this case, the International Services for Hope charity welcomed their money.

This gives me a good chance to mention that even though it's not it the news that much anymore, they still need our help in Haiti. I'm pretty sure you can still text HAITI to 90999 to contribute $10 to the Red Cross. It's cheaper, and actually makes you feel better, than a lap dance.

I love how the YouTube thumbnail caught Brad in the act of making air quotes.

Lotion Bandit

2010-02-13T09:30:00.003-06:00

This episode practically wrote itself. It's one of those cases where the true story is funny enough that you don't have to do much more than just tell it. Enjoy.

I do really wonder what this guy was thinking. Was he planning on renting one of those kiosks and setting up his own business there at the mall, where he could just wander over to Bath & Body Works whenever he needed to replenish his stock? If so, you have to admire the creative entrepreneurial thinking of the guy.

The "My Way" Murders

2010-02-10T00:50:00.002-06:00

Hard-core karaoke in the Philippines.

From what I can gather from my research (the New York Times article I read) here are the factors that contributed to this social phenomenon:

1. There are about a million illegal guns in the Philippines.
2. For economic reasons, many Filipino wives have to work out of the country as maids in wealthier countries, leaving a lot of lonely guys at home with nothing to do but go out to the karaoke bars.
3. The country is crazy for karaoke--you can't go to a public gathering without someone breaking out the karaoke machine.
4. There are strict rules for karaoke there (you must not laugh while someone is singing, you must not sing a song already sung by someone else), and breaking the rules can start a fight.
5. Singing "My Way" makes you look like an arrogant ass.

So there, you learned something today. You're welcome.

As a special treat, here's a great version of "My Way" by the original artist.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, da Vinci

2010-02-04T19:29:00.003-06:00

Leanardo da Vinci invented some kick-ass military weapons. He also might have been gay.

Here's that painting they found that could be the R-rated version of the Mona Lisa. Should I have marked this post NSFW? Oh well, deal with it.

I'll bet that if da Vinci did paint his face on a woman's body, his contemporaries would have thought it was just a goof, like when Milton Berle wore a dress on TV in the fifties. They would crack up if they saw it being treated as serious art.

Banned Dictionaries

2010-01-27T07:00:00.001-06:00

I must thank Facebook fan Leigh Erskine (if that is his real name) for suggesting the topic of this episode. Leigh, feel free to reward yourself with a snazzy (and quite reasonably priced) Deadpan Inc. hoodie in the swag store. You deserve it!

I think the funniest part of this story is the "sexually graphic" entry that bothered these school officials was "oral stimulation of the genitals." Not nearly as descriptive as it could be, and not really all that helpful. I would think that if kids need to look up "oral sex," it's the "oral" part of the phrase that's tripping them up. They probably already know "sex" has something to do with the naughty bits.

Sure, I guess the kids could stumble on the definition while looking up "oracle" or "orange." With that in mind, teachers should probably avoid using "cunning" as a vocabulary word.

The All-American Basketball Alliance

2010-01-23T12:52:00.003-06:00

An all-white basketball league. Seriously?

The guy who wants to start this league, Don "Moose" Lewis, uses the example Gilbert Arenas' suspension for pulling a gun in the locker room as an example of the problem with "street basketball." I'm going to go out on a limb and assume Moose is a staunch supporter of stricter gun control legislation.

Got to give props to Lily for her basketball knowledge. Here's a picture of Luc Longley, a member of the first legendary Bulls "three-peat" championship team, sitting next to an unidentified player. These are the kind of guys Moose doesn't want to see on the court. Good luck with that, Moose.

Full Body Scans

2010-01-12T12:08:00.004-06:00

I'm with Brad on this one. I'm much more concerned about the government tapping my phone and tracking my web surfing than I am about some bored TSA employee taking a peek inside my Haynes boxer-briefs. (To my lady-friends, regarding that mental image...you're welcome.)

This script could have gone on for several more minutes. I'll post the additional script at the fanpage on Facebook. There's a link to the right, if you'd like to go there. But if you do go there, you have to click "Become a Fan." It's the only way to protect your identity from the Nigerian scammers who administer my page. See you there.

Oh, and here's a picture of Kelly Ripa for those who don't know who Brad is talking about. She looks nice. (She's the one on the right.) Don't make eye contact with the cat--it'll steal your soul.

Wow, I never noticed those guns before. Do they test for 'roids at ABC? I'm not really a big fan--though she is a cutey--I just thought she'd be a quirky choice for Brad.

Sponge Painting

2010-01-08T07:00:00.001-06:00

The New Year's Eve event is creating complications.

Father and Son Reunion

2010-01-06T07:00:00.000-06:00

Am I the only one making this connection?

Dirty Tricks

2010-01-04T07:00:00.002-06:00

Yet another celebrity divorce was reported last week. Sad. If this guy can't make a marriage work, what hope do the rest of us have?

Just to be clear, I couldn't care less if he is gay and is finally discarding his beard to pursue his forbidden love. Good for him. But I'm disgusted by the hypocrisy of gay Republicans who fight gay marriage and demonize gay people just win elections. (And there are more than just a few of them.) And--legal disclaimer here--I have no evidence or opinion about Mr. Rove's sexual proclivities. Any implications here are purely rhetorical musings and not expressions of fact.

If you're curious, here is the article that caught Lily's eye. It was by The Frisky, but actually posted on CNN.com.

If you missed last week's New Year's Surprise II episode, you might want to check it out. Era especial.

New Year's Surprise II

2010-01-01T07:00:00.003-06:00

Last New Year's Day episode was done in French because it just felt right for the situation. I'm not sure if that went over well, but I thought I'd try to come up with a suitable sequel anyway. This time, I went with the style of a telenovela mexicana. Enjoy.

As with last year's, I created this under the not-insignificant handicap of not speaking the language. I used an online translation program, so this could be a really bad translation--or a really awesome replication of telenovela dialog. Hopefully someone who speaks Spanish will let me know if I came close.

Happy New Year! Let's hope that 2010 treats us all a little better than 2009 did.

Butt Sniffer Manhunt

2009-12-30T15:53:00.004-06:00

Here's another true story that can't be ignored.

I saw the security camera footage of this incident and it's very strange. The guy spent about ten minutes trying to get a good whiff, pretending to reach for products on the lower shelves nearby, and not even being discreet about it. Very bizarre. But I did wonder what law they were going to use once they caught the guy. That convenient catch-all "disorderly conduct"? Do they have that in England?

The Christmas Sweater

2009-12-12T09:40:00.003-06:00

In the interest of full disclosure, I haven't read Glen Beck's maudlin autobiographical novel. And like virtually every other person on Earth, I didn't attend his live-beamed-to-movie-theaters dramatization of it. I gleaned all I needed from an online transcript of an interview he gave Don Imus.

The thing that really pissed me off about The Christmas Sweater is how he tried to turn it into a live-beamed-to-theaters event. I think the live-beamed-to-theaters medium offers a lot of potential, but using it for something as lame as TCS can't be good for future productions. It's like if the first rock band ever recorded was Boston, would the Beatles ever get a recording contract?

In closing, Glen Beck is an evil, disingenuous ass-clown pandering to a weak-minded, easily-manipulated, xenophobic audience.

Tiger's Transgressions

2009-12-07T23:49:00.004-06:00

I had hoped to get around to doing a few episodes over the weekend, but I got laid low by a wicked toothache. Nothing seems funny when all you can think about is using a rock and the blade of an ice skate to knock that throbbing demon out of your mouth. (I totally get that scene in Castaway now.) Anyway, I'm still in a little pain, so I have no idea if this is funny or not. I just want to know when I'll be able to chew again.

Too bad for Lily, the going price on a mistress' story takes a steep drop once the number of mistresses gets into double figures.

Lucid Dreaming IV

2009-11-21T11:48:00.004-06:00

The Lucid Dreaming series of last year was popular, so here's another installment. If you'd like to check out the others in this series, go to Lucid Dreaming, Lucid Dreaming II and Lucid Dreaming III. Enjoy.

And just for easy reference, here are some pictures of Rihanna. She looks nice.

Half a Man

2009-11-19T21:40:00.003-06:00

I have a good feeling about this one. It's one of those that seemed to write itself and I just sat back laughing at what I was typing. Maybe I'm just tired and giddy.

Did you like it?

Esquire Technology

2009-11-14T12:04:00.004-06:00

I still have a subscription to Esquire Magazine, solely for the "A Funny Joke Told by a Beautiful Woman" page. Though, to be honest, without Esquire, how would I know how to roll up my sleeves?

Seriously, do they focus group these ideas? Did anyone actually say to them, "You know what's missing in your magazine? The ability to wave it in front of a computer to launch web pages. That would be awesome." Is it just me, or do you get a hint of desperation in the face of the death of print media? I guess if I worked at a magazine, I'd be freaking out too.

Beefeaters

2009-11-05T23:42:00.003-06:00

Actually, the formal name of this group is the Yeomen Warders of Her Majesty's Royal Palace and Fortress the Tower of London, not to be confused with the Yeomen of the Guard, a completely separate organization. Confusing those two will mark you as a complete moron. I learned that from Wikipedia. Speaking of which, feel free to turn "What am I, Wikipedia?" into the hot new catch-phrase. Saying that will mark you as a hip, cool follower of Deadpan Inc. to those in the know.

Here's a photo of Moira Cameron, the first female Yeoman of the Guard in their 1,000-year history. Seriously, dudes, couldn't you wait for the second female Beefeater before starting with the dirty talk? Way to sully history, Beefeaters.