The Army of the Dead Regime

New Twitter Novel!

2009-07-10T02:21:00.000-04:00

For those who read our Twitter Novel interview you know that Twitter Novelist Shawn Kupfer was putting the final touches on his book when we posted the interview. Well it seems he couldn't keep his pen down and has already started on another. If you'd like to get in near the ground floor, make sure you're following @Tweet_Book if you're on Twitter. If you're a ludite and have no interest in Twitter, you can still read the fun (or catch up since he's already into Chapter 5 as of this posting) you can hit the Twitter Novel Project blog. Keep up the good work Shawn!

Rapid Review - Red Faction: Guerrilla

2009-07-08T06:25:00.000-04:00

Buying Red Faction: Guerrilla is like getting two games for the price of one. One game is an absolutely terrible third-person shooter where you die every 5 fucking minutes and quickly damn an oppressed Mars to a life of misery because you really don't give a shit about their clumsily hashed out sorrows. The other game is an incredibly fun, ultra destructive game where you still don't give a shit about the down trodden, but you don't care that you don't care. The only difference between these two games is the difficulty setting. While your natural tendency may be to play on normal or even trying to challenge yourself to something harder, don't fucking do it. Suck up your pride, flip it to "Casual" (a.k.a. Pansy Ass) and prepare to fall in love with the common sledge hammer. Yes, the greatest weapon in the battle for Martian Freedom is a sledge hammer. On anything but casual it's a 5/10, but drop that baby down to the wussy setting and it's a good 8/10. For details, hit the jump

Red Faction: Guerrilla is an odd mixture of a little bit of Crackdown and a little bit of Mercenaries which results in a sci-fi open world game of mass destruction and bringing down buildings with bombs and a sledge hammer - learn to love the sledge hammer, it's a thing of beauty. The premise is that it's x-number of years after the original uprising in the first Red Faction and the Earth Defense Force, Mars' governing body and your ally in the first game, is now a military dictatorship-slash-consortium that are beating down and killing miners to feel better about themselves and push them harder to drive profits higher. You play Alec Mason, who arrives on the planet searching for work and are met by your brother who quickly dies, long before you could even possibly give a shit, and then somehow you are unwillingly enlisted in the resistance army known as the Red Faction that it seems your brother was a part of. How being conscripted into a fight to overthrow oppression is any better, I'm not sure. The story is pretty flimsy, but if you play it for the right reasons - that being the pure joy of killing and blowing shit up - you won't really care.

While there's nothing terribly wrong with the graphics in the game,they aren't exactly stellar either. The world is divided up into several districts, which you have to liberate individually, each with their own unique look and feel. By unique I mean they all look pretty utilitarian and sparse except for the capital district, which looks really gray, slightly futuristic (actually it looks more European Modern than futuristic), and still kinda sparse. There aren't very many structures taller than 3 or 4 stories, which leave everything feeling rather small, and the population clusters are very far apart leaving the planet feeling very empty. There's no attempt to even try to explain the planets sparse, squat habitation, which would be relatively easy to BS away - just throw some crap about high winds from dust storms or something. If I can do it ad lib, people who get paid to sit around and write this shit can do it too. Lack of variety isn't just in the buildings, it's pretty much everything. Actually, sparsity is probably the games overall biggest flaw as it's not just graphics but lack of variety in missions, music, and so on that keep this from being a phenomenal game.

The issue with missions is the same argument that has been made with Assassin's Creed. There are only a handful of mission varieties where the goals and mechanics remain the same, only the location changes. Much like Assassin's Creed, Guerrilla has story progressing missions which directly affect the plot, and then what they call Guerrilla Missions that lower the governments control over an area and act as filler in between the plot elements. However, where Assassin's Creed was severely stunted in it's variety, Guerrilla is only moderately stunted as there are about 10 types of missions. On paper that sounds like quite a lot, but after you play them all once or twice you realize they are very cookie cutter. The varieties include defending targets against EDF attacks, tracking down defectors and returning the seized information to random places across the plant, tracking down vehicles that need to be returned to random places across the planet, tracking down convoys that need to be seized and delivered the random places across the planet, tracking down "house arrested" compatriots that...yep, need to be delivered to random places across the plant. Each of these is considered to be a different type of mission, however it's basically just swapping out one premise for another with the same mechanics and end result. Now there are others like challenges to destroy certain structures with certain weapons and limited ammo, and ridding gunner on a vehicle where you are tasked with causing a certain amount of destruction within the confines of the mission, but in the end there are really only about 4 mission types.

Despite the short comings, the missions really only serve as a vehicle to get you to the next location when you run out of shit to destroy in the current location. Even though destroying one building is much like destroying another building, the act of taking down a skyscraper, bridge, or even a flimsy wind turbine with remote controlled bombs and a massive sledge hammer never seem to get tiring. Throw in some vehicular destruction and taking out an army with a hammer and you just feed an ever growing fire of testosterone fueled aggression. It's been enough fun that even though I beat the games story in about 12 hours, I keep jumping into the single player to go blow shit up. And then there's the multiplayer.

Guerrilla's multiplayer basically takes the very successful mechanics that were started in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare and transplant them on mars. You have a similar XP ranking system that grants you minor bonuses, that have no effect on actual gameplay, as you advance. The game sports the normal array of team and free-for-all style game modes, as well as those that take advantage of the games destruction mechanics, the favorite of which is Siege. Siege is basically a just that, a siege. One team holds a group of structures as their base while the opposition comes in and tries to take out the buildings while dealing with the besieged troops. In addition to the on-line mutliplayer modes, there is an offline only mode called Wrecking crew where 2-4 players compete individually to wreak the most havoc using a limited number of weapons and ammo. Multiplayer games also implement packs that act to augment a certain style or element of playing or fighting such as stealth, jet packs, a tremor pack that shakes the ground to bring buildings down and more. While it's not necessarily going to stay in my staple of multiplayer games (like Modern Warfare has) it is definitely a fun distraction and helps make the game more worth your money.

One thing I would like to make a note of in regards to anyone who played one of the previous games - the only destructible elements of the game are the vehicles and buildings. Despite the large "GeoMod 2.0" logo on the box and splash screen, you can't actually do any Mod'ing to the Geo. While previous games had special types of terrain that could be blown up and played a key role in progressing through a level, no such thing exists in Guerrilla. While some of it could be seen as balancing, since tunneling through a mountain and completely bypassing a bases defenses could easily make the game a total pushover, I don't see why there couldn't be counter measures to prevent tilting that balance so heavily.

Final Verdict: I really hope developers Volition read the reviews and learn from their mistakes because I'd actually love to see a sequel. Make a more densely populated world of skyscrapers and shopping malls with throngs of people and a terrain that you can actual mutate and destroy. Regardless, the pure joy of causing death and destruction in the game far outweighs its other rather mediocre elements, but that only stays true if you keep the game on the casual difficulty level. As soon as you raise it up a notch (and I'm actually afraid to play the insane level that is unlocked after finishing the game) the game instantly starts to piss you off. You will never live long enough to enjoy the true fruits of Volition's labor. With that in mind, I give Red Faction: Guerrilla an 8/10 (but for you idiots out there who can't bring yourself to drop the difficulty level for fear of being deemed a total pussy, it's only a 5/10).

The Passing of a True Genius

2009-06-29T00:50:00.000-04:00

Nope, I'm not going on again about Michael Jackson, I've moved on to more somber news. Billy Mays is dead. The man who turned "projecting" (a.k.a. yelling) and wildly flailing your arms about into a multi-million dollar empire of useless tchotchkes has suddenly and needlessly left our lives. Just when it seemed like he was on a meteoric rise into even greater stardom, he came hurtling down..dead...on the floor...for no obvious reason. Click the jump to watch Mays' recent appearance on Conan O'brien.

Air date 6/23/09

Arr Eye Pee: Emm Jay

2009-06-26T00:05:00.000-04:00

...and children everywhere breathed a great sigh of relief. Yes, that's right. You heard the news right, Michael Jackson is dead. Unlike when I first heard that Steve Irwin (the Croc Hunter) had died, I did NOT bust out laughing. Irwin's death was just ridiculous, the circumstances not the fact that he died. M.J.'s death was like karmic retribution, and although unexpected, not really that surprising. I had no idea he was going to die today, but like Hunter S. Thompson committing suicide, it wasn't that surprising. He was a mostly dead, walking plastic surgery zombie as it was (Jackson not Hunter).

However, just for the sake of theorizing conspiracies, and so I can legitimately say "I told you so" when the time comes, I'm going to go ahead and call it now - He's not dead. I don't mean this in an Elvis is still alive and hanging out in a Nevada trailer park kind of way. He's going to pop up again in about 6 months, he'll face charges, people will be outraged...but he will have gotten out of his contractual obligation for those 50 some-odd performances he had no intention of doing at the O2 Arena.

In the event that Mr. Jackson really did croak, well I'm sorry for the pain his family is going through (the video of Jermaine giving the press conference was kinda hard to watch), but it's really about time he stopped being a menace to society, and I don't just mean pedophilia.

To show I'm not a completely heartless bastard, I was sad to hear that Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon had passed away. I'll actually miss them.

It's E3, Bitches! - Day 3 (Final Verdict)

2009-06-05T02:33:00.000-04:00

E3 is finally over - the booths are packed up, the lights are off, and the glitz and glamour are dead for another year. Except for the two videos below, I didn't find anything new worth posting, but I do have a few parting thoughts about this years conference.

Darksiders: Wrath of War is a game in which play War, of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, that looks like a combination of God of War and Devil May Cry (though they cite Zelda as an influence, I don't see it). While I'm not convinced they put a whole lot of thought into the story (War seeks to redeem his integrity after being framed for wiping out humanity?) it looks like it could be fun.

I had seen a few Bioshock 2 videos with a short, looped reel of actual gameplay in the background, but this is the first good taste I've seen yet. Looks interesting, and I'm a shameless Bioshock fanboy, so I get hard at the sight of this stuff.

Final Verdict: I have to say, if I had actually wasted my time and money going to E3 2009 I think I would be incredibly pissed. More was announced in the weeks leading up to E3 than at any of the press conferences, and it didn't seem like a whole lot of those titles were shown off. There were way too many games whose only presence was a logo, a few screen shots, and a pre-rendered teaser trailer. I was glad to finally see Bioshock 2 in action, but even that was rather meager. I was incredibly disappointed that there was absolutely nothing about Thief 4, Deus Ex 3, or the next Hitman game. Though I suppose Sony came out on top of the conference with more solid titles announced, there wasn't any obvious game of show that I saw.

Both Sony and Microsoft are now obsessed with gimmick controllers, with Sony showing off their new EyeToy add-on, the motion sensing Wand, and Microsoft showing off their new camera based motion system, Natal. Sony probably pissed a lot of people off by announcing that the new PSP Go (which has no UMD drive at all, bringing up questions of the availability of the PSP's back-catalog) is going to be $250 but still only has one analog stick, no touch screen, and the screen is rumored to actually be slightly smaller than the PSP3000 which gives consumers very little incentive to upgrade. The biggest surprise, in my opinion, and the announcement that seemed to create the biggest geek uproar was that of Left 4 Dead 2, which was announced only 7 months after that of the first, which has a fair share of problems that gamers feel should be fixed, but the fact that Valve has yet to live up to the promise of downloadable content for L4D. Valve has tried to backpedal by assuring players of the existing L4D that after-launch content will still be released, but this leaves most people feeling a bit neglected and taken advantage of since it seems hard to believe that L4D 2 isn't stealing some of the fixes and content that was initially slated for L4D.

Overall it was a lackluster E3, the surprises were mostly negative, the omissions at the show were sorely missed, and god knows how much money was wasted on a show whose efficacy was pretty much obliterated by the press release extravaganza of the weeks preceding the show. Yay, E3 is back!

It's E3, Bitches! - Day 2

2009-06-04T02:52:00.000-04:00

Day 2 of E3 is over and while there wasn't much new of interest announced (Kojima unveiled his 3rd Metal Gear game of the show, and a new Castlevania game that looks like a shameless God of War clone), there was a lot more hands on time with the games announced over the last several months. I'll refrain from commenting on my overall disappointment in the show until tomorrow, since there is one last day to redeem itself. Oh, and it seems I fucked up yesterdays post and only the intro went up. It's fixed, sadly a whole day later. So if you want to catch up on my picks for yesterday, please do.

As far as I'm concerned Tim Schaefer is a god. He's responsible for the Monkey Island games, Grim Fandango, Psychonauts, and now Brutal Legend - a Heavy Metal inspired comedy brawler starring Jack Black (who is NOT a god, in my opinion). Unfortunately you have to put up with the constant stuttering of that G4 douche Adam Sesler. Also of note, those Donkey Kong noises you hear in the background throughout the video is more than likely Steve Wiebe trying to break the Donkey Kong score record (WTF? You say? Go watch King of Kong, though take it all with a grain of salt)

I really enjoy sneaky-bastard games, and was a big fan of the first few Splinter Cell games. Unfortunately it seemed that as they progressed they got further and further from what I loved about them to the point that I didn't even bother to finish the last one. After seeing the heavily revamped SC: Conviction and a darker and more brutal Sam Fisher (no more Emo Sam) I am getting pretty excited about this one.

I've had a secret crush on the developer Quantic Dreams since the release of the flawed but brilliant Omikron. Despite the annoying quick-time events in Farhenheit (their 2nd game), I felt they were taking a step in the right direction with their quest to meld the dramatic story telling of a movie with the interactivity of today's video games. Now we finally get to see footage of their 3rd game, Heavy Rain, and it's starting to look like they've gotten it right. This is a pretty long interview/demo (19:00), but worth watching. Also, skip ahead to about 1:30 into the video cause they have technical difficulties they don't bother editing out (sloppy ass Gamespot).

And that's pretty much it. There were quite a few videos with the Alan Wake team, but they all showed the same few, mostly uninteresting seconds of gameplay. There were also interviews with Tell Tale Games about the recently announced Tales of Monkey Island episodic series (there's also going to be an XBLA/PSN re-release of The Secret of Monkey Island), but not much of interest was shown. I'm still hoping for something big tomorrow, or to see some footage of recently announced games that have yet to be seen at E3, but I'm not holding my breath. I'll do a wrap-up tomorrow regardless.

It's E3, Bitches! - Day 1

2009-06-03T01:04:00.000-04:00

It's been 10 years since I actually attended an E3, back in the day when it was big, gaudy, and industry only. Back when you could restock your wardrobe and redecorate your nerdy bachelor pad with mountains of free swag. The expo was a lot of fun, but since I was reporting from the floor it was also a lot of work. There were lots of boring press conferences, closed-door meetings, and schmoozing with PR reps in hopes of making a lasting impression and getting favorable treatment during the next year. These days I'm mostly content with getting my fix from the work of others and staying comfortably at home watching the news roll in. In poring over the announcements and videos of the first day I've already got my favorites and thought I'd distill the fray down into a much more satisfying drink for you all. Here's my top picks from Day 1.

First off, let me explain a few things here. I don't give a shit about Halo. Yes, they announced Halo: Reach, but they also couldn't be bothered to show any more than a burning planet. I also refuse to get even half an erection for purely CG trailers. No gameplay, no interest. There were a few games that I was pretty interested to see (Crackdown 2, Alan Wake, and Modern Warfare 2) but there were only pre-rendered teasers videos with little actual gameplay shown, so I won't be wasting your time with those.

I'm one of those people who could overlook the repetitive nature of Assassins Creed and ended up enjoying it a great deal. As a result, I was pretty excited to see the following gameplay video from Assassins Creed 2.

Although the release is got a ways off (March 2010) one of the games I was most eager to see in action was God of War III. It's not revolutionary per se, but it does look like it will be a lot of fun.

Although my first gaming memories are from a few text adventures and a fuck ton of Sierra and Lucasarts adventure games, I also have a nostalgic weak spot for good old side-scrollers like the original Duke Nukems, Commander Keen, and the early days of the NES. As such, I was pretty psyched to see what looks like a very high-quality 3D side-scroller called Shadow Complex, which is to be released on XBOX Live.

This particular trailer, for the Star Wars: Old Republic MMO contradicts what I said about not going for CG trailers. It in no way represents what the game will be like, but it seems like this trailer alone is 10 times better than Episodes I-III combined, so I feel obligated to show it. It's definitely better choreographed.

As far as videos go, that's really it. A pretty disappointing showing so far. Microsoft spent a lot of time pushing the camera-recognition tech demo, Natal, by showing a presentation created by Lionhead and presented by Peter Molyneux, a man with terminal hype-diarrhea. Sony talked about a PSP Metal Gear as well as a multi-platform MGS game in which you play as Rayden (ugh). Crackdown 2 was announced, Alan Wake was shown off, but the trailer had very substance, and Modern Warfare was shown in a rather long gameplay demo that was unbelievably boring. Rockstar announced Agent, a PS3 exclusive in which they gave us absolutely no information about. Some Finaly Fantasy crap was shown (XIII, XIV: Online, and the DS game Crystal Bearers). Absolutely no one was surprised or impressed by the Super Mario Galaxy 2 announcement, though some super fanboys got their pants moist when Metroid: Other M (yeah, good title) was shown off, but the gameplay shown was pretty generic. And that's pretty much the major things I got out of my vicarious E3 attendance. Hopefully there will be some more goods coming out tomorrow.

Dead Reckoning: Twitter Novel Interview - Part II

2009-05-26T09:00:00.000-04:00

This is Part II of our two part interview with Shawn Kupfer, the brainchild, mastermind, or other compound word that sounds intelligent and somewhat maniacal behind the Twitter Novel Project. If you missed out on Part I, check it out and then come back to read the riveting conclusion. Enjoy.

DR:: You mentioned that you use music a lot when you write. How do you choose what is compatible with the story?

SK:: I listen to a lot more diverse stuff than my main character does, but when I started writing him, I was listening to Black Flag (I think), and punk rock just seemed to fit with this guy. Music is pretty important to me, and I do love putting it into the novel wherever I can. . . but only if it suits the scene, the mood, and the character.

Like, I really want to use Nine Inch Nails somewhere in the book, but it just doesn't fit with the character.

DR:: Does music, specifically the punk music, play into the story any further than just shaping the character or does it actually have plot pertinence?

SK:: It tends to set the mood and feeling for certain scenes, and kind of gives you an insight into how the character thinks. Punk music was kind of a DIY business, and that's how this character works -- he doesn't necessarily wait around for someone to help him or tell him how to do something, he just gets in there, gets dirty, and hopefully lives through it. Which means he makes a lot of rash decisions, which gets him into trouble all the time.

DR:: When you're writing, are you writing in normal format and then converting it so that it makes sense in a Twitter stream, or do you write factory-direct to Twitter?

SK:: Kind of both. I write a bit in Notepad, check to make sure I hit my word count (at least 500 words a night), then go directly to Twitter with it. No editing, not even for spelling. (Sadly.)

I hate misspelling things. I've been an editor for a couple of national magazines, and I work as a writer in the Defense industry now, so I really, really piss myself off when I misspell something.

And Notepad has no spell-check. I'm just that Old-School, yo.

DR:: Has writing for the Twitter format and audience created any unexpected hurdles, changed how you write, forced you to do things you wouldn't when writing traditionally?

SK:: You know, it has. I'm one of those people that constantly anguishes over a word choice here, a sentence there. With Twitter, I have to write something and put it out there, scars, bruises, and all -- because if I don't, I miss a day of posting.

That, and when the Internet goes out at my house (our service provider sucks), it gets really fun. I go wardriving like it's 1998.

DR:: You mentioned a self-imposed 500 word minimum a day. Are there any other rules you have set for yourself in this project?

SK:: Sure. Post every day by midnight PST, no exceptions. Post every chapter to the blog as soon as it's completed on Twitter. (I'm in Eastern Time, incidentally -- I use Pacific to give myself a little cushion in case I run into snags).

DR:: Do you have a punishment/reward system for yourself for meeting your goals, or is it just on the personal-integrity honor system?

SK:: I'm obsessive-compulsive to some degree, so I probably wouldn't be able to sleep if I missed a day. And I let myself have a cigarette after I've posted, even though I'm "quitting."

DR:: As of right now, how far along are you in the first draft?

SK:: Twenty-one chapters as of tonight, which is [let me check]

47,950 words.

The original goal for the novel was 50,000 words, but that was a minimum. It's going to end up longer.

DR:: Over how long of a period of time? What is the goal length now?

SK:: I'm thinking 60,000. And I started writing Feb. 19 -- I plan to have the first draft wrapped up by the end of the month.

DR:: Now the goal is to write a first draft on Twitter. What happens to the novel, the project, and even your followers once that goal is reached?

SK:: Oh, they might actually get @ replies from me then!

The novel -- there has been some minor publisher interest, but I'm not sure what I want to do with it other than go through and revise, edit, update. . . all of that.

DR:: Now that you're well beyond the point of return, knowing what you know now, would you do this project again, with the same rules, restrictions, etc...?

SK:: Honestly, I'd build myself a day off into the schedule here and there. I don't sleep much anyway, but this project has cut it down to a couple of hours a night. But I would totally do this again, and probably will -- this time with more meta-content, like Twitter accounts from different in-novel characters commenting or adding more to the story.

DR:: Novel/Performance Art?

SK:: Sure. I don't think they have to be mutually exclusive. Books are changing. Projects like this give the readers the chance to interact while the novel is being written, which is all sorts of fun for me.

DR:: In that respect, do you consider yourself a pioneer, genius, fool, all-the-above for doing this? Do you see projects like this becoming more common?

SK:: I certainly hope they do. I'd love to see more of them -- and people are starting, but they're barely updating in a lot of cases, or losing interest 200 tweets in. And I just consider myself a guy who can put a sentence together who had an interesting idea.

But that's the fun of it -- an agent won't accept your novel? Screw him. Put it out there for other people to see. Let them judge. Anyone who wants to write and publish himself can now.

DR:: What kind of preparation do you make for a novel? Are you meticulous and have it plotted down to the most minor details, are you more stream-of-consciousness and let the characters and story go as they may, somewhere in between?

SK:: I kind of think about it during the day when my brain's not too occupied by other stuff. I have a general idea of where I want to go each night, but I really just sit down most nights and see what comes out.

I had a basic beginning and ending in mind for the book when I started, but the rest of it? Pretty much on the fly.

DR:: Have the characters and choices made in this novel surprised you? Have they taken on lives of their own? Do you always know how it's going to end?

SK:: I used to know how it was going to end. Now I'm not entirely sure. And one character has surprised me by surviving this long. I thought he'd be dead chapters ago.

So, yeah, they kind of do take on a life of their own, and make their own choices. A lot of times, I just feel like I'm watching them do their thing.

DR:: Have you had to punish them, set obstacles or anything to get them to do what you want?

SK:: Actually, yes. I ended up waterboarding the main character. He needed some kind of challenge to show he wasn't just running scared, that he was actually a lot tougher than he seemed -- so I waterboarded the poor guy and threw him in a commercial freezer for 36 hours.

I'm glad he's fictional, or he'd be pissed.
DR:: In any of your writing, how much of yourself and those you know go into characters, and how much of them are completely fictional?

SK:: They always start based on people I know. Or I should say, traditionally they do -- I've based some characters off of interesting user pics of Twitter accounts this time around. But yeah, any of them is probably a small piece of me. Which I'm thankful for, actually, because they'd actually be a lot harder to write if they weren't.

I apparently really like the word "actually."

DR:: What kind of information do you draw from a simple user pic?

SK:: None whatsoever. But I see a user pic, and I think "That guy looks like a hacker." So I write a hacker character with that guy's face in my head. Or "that dude looks like a cop." So he becomes the Shift Commander of Criminal Investigations for the Douglas County Sheriff's Department.

DR:: Have you been nervous or worried about how certain people would respond when/if they realize a certain character is them, or pieces of them?

SK:: Yep, but they've all been pretty cool. I tend to DM them to let them know I've done it, and no one has freaked out on me. With one exception, none of the characters based on them have been insulting, though. And that guy turned out to be cool in later parts of the novel, but he was a real asshole early on.

DR:: Well, people should take pride in their skills, and if that skill happens to be being an asshole...so be it.

SK:: Indeed. And the Twitter account I based him on was my non-book one. So I basically called myself an asshole. Interestingly, the character was supposed to stay an ass the whole book, but he evolved on his own.

DR:: Did you evolve?

SK:: Oh, god, no. Just ask my wife.

I want to think Shawn for taking the time to chat with me when he should’ve been packing. To find out what the deal is with the novel, follow him on Twitter or check out his blog and read the nightly posts. If you want to check out Shawn’s previous novel, Mr. Six, you can find it on Amazon, or your favorite online bookseller.

Dead Reckoning: Twitter Novel Interview - Part I

2009-05-25T09:00:00.000-04:00

About a year ago I joined Twitter after hearing about it from a few friends. It was one of those things that looked interesting but I had no idea what to do with it, so I ignored it. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I went back in to see what was going on and if I could get anything out of it. What I found were a lot of surprises; celebrities talking to the little people, idiots being treated as sages and making bank while they were at it, and then there was some guy writing a complete novel on Twitter. That guy was Shawn Kupfer, who posts his literary progress each night before he goes to bed for the masses to see, respond to, and possibly even have a real effect on the final product. It was such an interesting and unique idea that I wanted to know more, and to my great surprise he agreed to an interview. So read on and see just what is going through the mind of this mad Twitter genius.

Shawn Kupfer: I guess I'll just start with how the project started. I don't really sleep much, so I end up having a lot of time, even though I work a normal 8-5 job. I'd just gotten through writing a novel and sending it off to my agent, so I got to wait for months before I heard anything. Instead of just sitting around, I decided I'd work on another first draft of something else entirely.

Dead Regime: Are you previously published, or is the novel that you sent off your first?

SK: I was published waaaay back in the far off year of 2000, when cell phones were the size of cars.

DR: And cars the size of buildings?

SK: And the buildings. . . don't even get me started. Size of modern-day cell phones, actually, which was odd.

Anyhow, I was WAY too into Twitter at the time, and I started thinking -- what if I could send the novel out there in near-real time, getting feedback as I go? At least I figured someone would be reading it, and I wouldn't have to wait forever for that to happen. Publishing a book traditionally is a long, long, boring process. . . but who says you need to publish traditionally?

DR: So for those not up-to-date on your current project, can you give me a brief synopsis of your twitter novel? And can you do it in 140 characters or less?

SK: Oh, totally. It's on.

A former felon in Witness Security is hunted by killers from his old life, strange shadow-assassins, and various strangeoids. He likes punk.

140 characters exactly, sir. The "he likes punk" thing is kind of a throwaway, but punk rock is kind of linked with the novel now in interesting ways.

DR: And now the dust jacket version?

SK: Dust Jacket Version: Eric Hawkins is a boring man. He goes to work, to sleep, and to work again, and not much else. So why is a Sheriff's Deputy constantly following him around? Why are Federal Marshals constantly tearing up his apartment? And who are those two horribly thin guys who keep shooting at him?

DR: Aside from the immediate gratification of having an instant audience, what did you expect to get out of the Twitter outlet, and what has actually happened that wasn't planned?

SK: You know, I thought the medium of Twitter would be interesting, as I could link directly to people and places that use it. Another thing I hoped to get out of it (and did) was the motivation to keep writing, because I knew there were at least a couple of people out there waiting on it. Writers are very lazy people, and unless we have someone to hold us to a deadline, we can waste a day like you wouldn't believe.

DR: What kind of feedback from the Twitter community have you gotten? Any good suggestions, corrections, expert witnesses?

SK: Funny you ask -- I just got a correction tonight, and the guy was completely right on it. He's a mystery author from Boston, and he corrected a bad use of a steak knife as a slashing weapon. I've had some doctors follow, who gave me great ideas on damage and torture, and a couple of military folks, who gave me good advice on tactics and procedures.

DR: Dr. recommended torture?

SK: Not really, but they did explain what it would probably do to a person. I would LOVE to see doctor-recommended torture, though. Probably something to do with a colon cleansing.

DR: Sounds like a Lifetime Television movie - Prescription for Pain - the true story of a murdering doctor.

SK: Starring Richard Dean Anderson as NotMacGyver.

DR: death by enema?

SK: Torturous, for sure. But so is watching a Lifetime movie.

DR: So have you gotten any negative feedback, or has it all been helpful or positive in some way?

SK: Here's something I realized about 1500 followers in (where I still hadn't gotten any negative feedback) -- Twitter is cool because if you piss someone off, they don't bitch at you. They just unfollow. Though, I did get one negative comment, from a guy who didn't like all the swearing. It's a crime novel -- criminals don't say "shucks." Except on Lifetime.

DR: That's true, instead of complaining I just lost a few followers the other night for saying that I wanted to be the actor known only for the role "guy with dick in his hand"

SK: You wanted to be Jason Mewes?

SK: I just realized I never answered your "unexpected" question, which actually does have an interesting answer. What unexpected things have happened posting the novel to Twitter, that is.

One of my very first followers was actually someone I've admired for a very long time -- Dennis Thompson, drummer of the MC5. He and I have actually started talking because of the novel, and I've written some guest posts for hisblog.

I also got accused of being the lead singer of the Dead Kennedys, back when I was writing this thing anonymously. I mentioned two Dead Kennedys songs in the novel -- I mention music frequently when I write, and as I said, the main character is a punk rock fan. I got an email (I seem to get a ton of email and DMs, very few blog comments) from a guy who was like "I know who you are." I got a few of those in the early days.

Then this guy goes on to flat-out ACCUSE me of being Jello Biafra, and writing this novel and giving it away for free simply to sell back-issue Dead Kennedys records. The conspiracy theories in this dude's head must be mind-boggling, because that is probably the most inefficient way to make money ever.

DR: Was it a conscious decision to initially write anonymously, and was that sort of confusion what made you change your mind?

SK: Yep, exactly. I felt like the author wasn't important -- the story was. I got a lot of email from people asking if I was this guy or that guy (no one got it right), so I just decided, hell, it's not a big deal.

So I posted on the blog who I was, and how you probably haven't heard of me unless you're one of the 15 people who read my novel back in 2000, or you're a hardcore computer geek who read some tech articles I wrote.

My wife didn't even know it was me initially, nor did a good friend of mine who was following.

DR: Was your wife following before you unmasked?

SK: A couple of weeks before, yeah. She even mentioned it, and said I bet I wished I had come up with the idea

Come back tomorrow morning for Part II of our Shawn Kupfer interview, where we cover such Earth shattering topics as OCD, waterboarding, and assholes (the people, not the poop chutes).

What's Up(coming)?

2009-05-22T01:43:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note to let you, the dear, gentle, lovely...oh so lovely...mmmm....

Anyways, just wanted to drop in, let everyone know I'm not dead (though I am Dead) and that coming up on Monday we have a pretty cool two-part interview with an interesting guy I met on Twitter a couple weeks ago.

Sooo...tune in on Monday and Tuesday for that interview.

Awesomely Bad: Hard Ticket to Hawaii

2009-05-08T02:36:00.000-04:00

You know a movie is going to be good when a former Playboy Playmate model (Dona Speir - Miss March 1984) invites a soap-opera star (Bold and the Beautiful’s Ronn Moss) to join her in the warm ocean waters and his reply is “I’ve got better things to do with my body temperature.” I mean really, you just don’t find good dialogue like that anymore. Oh yeah, and then they have sex. That’s how Hard Ticket to Hawaii starts. Hard Ticket is the first release (though not first to be filmed) in the 12-movie Triple B Collection, films predominantly written and directed by camp auteur Andy Sidaris. The three B’s in Triple B? - Bullets, Bombs, and Babes of course. Considering Hard Ticket is a cheesy action movie littered with a hand full of Playboy Playmates it manages to deliver all three with gusto.

Hard Ticket to Hawaii is a by-the-numbers action flick in which a very poorly explained ring of generic bad guys are guilty of something. The story is convoluted to the point of absurdity. Initially it seems the movie is about a generic group of drug dealers that have taken over what used to be a small, family-run pot growing operation on the small Hawaiian island of Molokai. Two cops stumble upon this newly subverted operation, which should be too small to really be of interest to a group of hard drug lords, and end up dying for their blunder. Now let’s add to this a poorly copied Jeremy Irons-ish mastermind with a bad English accent, even though played by legitimate Brit Peter Bromilow, who is smuggling a rather small amount of diamonds into Hawaii by way of remote controlled helicopter launched from his yacht and delivered to our new drug lord friends. This delivery of diamonds gets intercepted by supposedly undercover FBI agent Donna Hamilton, the aforementioned Playmate Dona Speir, and her sidekick Taryn who is a mob whistle-blower under witness protection, played by Hope Marie Carlton (Miss July 1985). If this weren’t enough, let’s add to this mix a vicious, man-eating, “contaminated” snake that gets loose on the island.

I have no idea where the snake storyline comes from; it makes no sense and adds absolutely nothing to the movie - but damn is it funny. The story behind the snake is that the Department of Health has shipped this snake, in a flimsy wood-slatted shipping crate, because it has been “infected by deadly toxins by cancer infested rats.” Why anyone would ship such a snake to Hawaii is beyond me. Even more so, why in a cheap see-thru slatted crate? The problem is that there is also a non-infected, perfectly normal snake that is supposed to be delivered to a nature ranch on Molokai. The inevitable slip-up sends the monstrous super snake to the tiny island via a small charter plain, inexplicably piloted by our undercover agent and witness-in-hiding, along with a honeymooning pair of tourists. The snake gets free when the drug lord and a pair of his thugs, one of whom is a scary female bodybuilder, show up at the undercover agents home, where witness and super spy wannabe Taryn is also staying, to recover the filched diamonds.

The snake makes a number of cameo appearances throughout the movie to terrorize the tiny islands inhabitants, and I suppose add a sense of danger to island life. It scares off the macho drug lord, ominously named Seth, just by sitting there, relatively far away from him. It eats the honeymooning couple (come on, you knew they weren’t gonna make it anyways). And even pops up, literally, in the final showdown between the good guys and the drug lords by bursting through the toilet in a foamy froth of green light, shattering the toilet as it goes. The snake is a badass however, as it takes several shots straight to the tongue, yes tongue, and only meets its match when blasted to bits by a 4-barreled rocket launcher that keeps popping up and getting fired in close-quarters. This 4-barreled rocket launcher is super-agent Rowdy’s favorite weapon, and supposedly the only one he can hit a moving target with, as he uses it to take out a skateboarder using a blow-up sex doll as a body shield (he also blows up the sex doll), an assassin hiding behind a Japanese paper screen, and even a helicopter (which, if you kept a tally, accounts for all four barrels).

Considering there are at least four Playmates in the movie it shouldn’t be a surprise that there’s a good bit of gratuitous nudity in the movie. With the exception of the very noticeably 80’s hairstyles, they’re all quite attractive and deliver their lines better than most of the men in the movie. So you can check off the Babes. The movie has enough of a budget to do some explosions and although the shootouts are ridiculous, they’re still shootouts so it covers the Bullets and I guess Bombs on the list as well. The movie has some brilliantly cheesy lines, such as “Man, he must be smoking some heavy doobies.” when the two male leads see the skateboarder, who will later come armed with blow-up doll, skating down the middle of the road while doing a handstand. When the agents realize there’s a rat in their midst, the cross-dressing identity of said rat is revealed when Agent Hamilton pulls of some CSI Miami bullshit saying “I recognized the cigarette in his left hand and his pinky-ring.” And apparently it’s someone’s idea of sexy pillow talk to say “All I wanna do is suck the polish right off your toes.” And finally, how can you not like a movie that works its title into one of its cheesy original songs? “It’s a hard ticket to Hawaii; it’s not paradise all the time.”

Final Verdict: This movie is absolutely brilliant. It’s got a completely retarded story, with pointless subplots. It’s got horrible and hilarious dialogue. The acting is laughable in so many ways, though as I said the ladies did much better than their male counter parts. Hard Ticket to Hawaii is just loaded with so many fun things to laugh at and make fun of, and the best part of it is that it’s actually hard sometimes to tell if it’s intentional or not. Something that is actually very uncommon for straight up cheesy B-movies is bonus content on the DVD and this one actually delivers a directors commentary with Andy Sidaris and a behind the scenes featurette with Andy and B-move goddess Julie Strain (and yes, she shows her tits in it too). Hard Ticket to Hawaii is a must-own and gets my first 5/5 rating.

What's On TV? or What's Wrong With TV?

2009-05-01T01:23:00.000-04:00

I've been watching a lot...a whole lot...of TV lately. In the last few months there have been quite a few new shows to pop up that initially had me rather interested. I was excited about the return of Ian McShane, who was an absolutely genius as Al Swearengen in Dead, as King Silas in Kings, which is a modernized retelling of the biblical story of King David. I also had high hopes for the new, gritty and realistic cop drama Southland. Being a huge fan of The Wire, I thought maybe it would have that same real-world, dirty look at crime. And what about the quirky, comedic cop show The Unusuals - whose previews showed them tracking zombies, guys in hot dog costumes, and a whole host of bizarre characters. Sadly it seems that all of the new shows, and most of the existing shows, have left me incredibly disappointed. What's up with Chuck, House, Heroes, and Lost? Oh yeah, and Caprica. The run-down, after the jump.

Kings - It's occasionally heavy handed on the religious aspects of the story. Biblical allusions are one thing, biblical pimp slaps tend to sting a bit. On top of that, they completely wasted Ian McShane's Shakespearean ability to deliver beautiful soliloquies, and his oddly cool way of being a complete son-of-a-bitch. The story is a roller coaster of plodding and boring episodes with peaks of mildly interesting but still mostly plodding episodes in between. The show has already been halted and supposedly ran again over the summer. Whether it's being revamped, or just going to have the remaining episodes run out and canceled is yet to be seen.

Southland - This is one schizophrenic show. The first episode was borderline great, but then the second episode was borderline shit. Third episode...pretty damn interesting. Fourth episode...shit. The problem is that the 2 episodes so far that have focused on Det. Lydia Adams, the only non-white major character so far in a town that is approx. 50% Hispanic, have been crap. She's and overly sensitive and rather boring character who has overly sensitive and rather boring cases. The episodes that show the rookie and the vet are good so far, and any scene with the crazy ass retired/not-retired Officer Dewey is incredibly entertaining. I just don't think it's gonna make it, especially when Jay Leno comes back in it's current time slot.

The Unusuals - This is a text book case of bait and switch. They show us all this quirky, cool, silly stuff that is going to happen, making it sound like a NYPD Blue meets The Twilight Zone. Then when we actually get to see an episode, all that weird shit that happens is so minor and inconsequential that a majority of it is just filler and squawk being randomly spewed out by dispatch. The cases are boring, the characters are boring, Amber Tamblyn, as hot as she is, is all wrong as Det. Shraeger and Adam Goldberg, as funny and awesome as he is, is wasted as Det. Delahoy. I'm hoping this one gets canceled because I'm pissed off at being lied to.

Chuck - I love Chuck. The fictional man and the show. Chuck the man represents all off us dorks out there. We're weird, but there's so much more to us than social inadequacies. The show represents all our dreams. Action, adventure, espionage, really hot women that dig us for our minds and hearts. But after watching the last two episodes, which includes the season finale, I have to wonder if ONLY us nerds and dorks like it. It seems like the writers set the show up to where it would be just as logically for the show to be over as it would to continue next season. The network seems to be just as on the fence. Rumor has it that execs love it, but the ratings just aren't there. Hang in there Chuck!

Heores - God damn you Heroes. I keep giving you chances and you keep raping my eyes and remote control. I loved, loved, loved season one ALL THE WAY until the 1st season finale. I hated the finale. But I figured, ok....one bad episode out of an entire season...not bad. Then season 2 when all Back to the Future and sucked. Season 3 I thought I was finally going to be able to kick the habit because it had hit a new low with a solid 13 episodes that were absolute crap. Overly cliche, and poorly executed, with stories (like the secret formula) that built up to some great battle that never happened and repercussions (Hiro getting stuck without powers) that ultimately had little effect...and then they ripped out the whole Mutant Registration storyline from Xmen and it actually got better. And then they brought on the awesome Zeljko Ivanek (Damages, Oz) and shit started heating up. And then they had their finale where Sylar, who was again becoming interesting after taking shape shifting powers, rearranged his body and no longer had a known weakness, killed Nathan Petrelli (something that should have happened at the end of season 1, and hopefully Peter is next), but they fuck it all up by tranquilizing Sylar (despite his hyperactive, self-healing body, amongst other powers) and having Matt Parkman (who should also die) frying his brain and turning him into the dead Nathan Petrelli. Bull...shit. Die Heroes! Just die! Please!

House - What the fuck? Kumar leaves to go work at the White House (in real life, Kal Penn took a job as Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Liaison, for really real) and they have him commit suicide, and even they can't figure out a reason why? So now they have House staring at the face of guilt, grief, and possibly love like he's some alien trying to understand Shakespeare. He's an asshole, not retarded. Regardless, I still love you House (the man and the show).

Lost - It's lost, that's all there is to it. I don't think they have a fucking clue. Supposedly next season, reportedly the last season, will answer all the questions. At this point I don't think it even matters. What answer could possibly make all their flip-flopping and self-important ambiguous mystery worth the wait? Kill Jack, once and for all, show more Loche (I can't remember the last time we saw him for more than 5 minutes), find some way to make up for the whole time travel crap they've been pulling, and either do something with Desmond or get rid of him. Quit wasting so much damn time trying to make dramatic revelations that we figured out at least an episode prior (oh no, Charles Whitmore and white-haired lady are Daniel Faraday's parents). Oh, and I want an entire episode of Juliet and Kate making out.

Caprica - Now I left this last in case nobody bothered to go out and pay full DVD price for a 90-minute pilot episode. Essentially I think it's going to be crap, the series. The pilot wasn't terrible, but it seemed to cover a lot of ground that I really thought would have made up the first half of the first season. Instead of a good jumping point, it felt like a really long episode of The Outer Limits that doesn't quite wrap everything up right. None of the characters are very interesting. In fact they really only focus on three characters. They seems to have either rewrote or taking a lot of liberties with some of the history that was established in Battlestar Galactica. Either that or in 50 years (which is the time frame between Caprica and BSG) people got kinda stupid and forgot all their history, including that of their own families. It's a piss poor substitute for BSG and I don't think it'll last.

And that, is the lumped proof of the fact that I watch far too much crap on TV. Do you have any opinions on current TV? Do you have and disputes with my views? Let me know, leave comments.

Awesomely Bad: The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai

2009-04-21T00:09:00.000-04:00

Though nearly destroyed by allergies and a sinus infection, I return with what may be one of the weirdest movies I’ve ever seen. The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai is about as close to all-out porn as you can get without actually being pornographic. It’s what the Japanese call a “pink film”, which is basically a porn film that falls within Japan's very strict censorship laws that prohibit the showing genitalia. The typical result is a movie with a loose story (though not as bad as your typical porno) with simulated sex scenes in which the participant’s junk is hidden by conveniently placed props or careful framing of the scene. Sachiko Hanai started out as just a straight up pink film (then called Horny Home Tutor: Teacher’s Love Juice), but due to it’s incredible popularity, director Meike Mitsuru expanded it to the full-length feature I now present.

The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai starts by following a role-playing hooker, Sachiko Hanai, who is playing the role of a boy’s tutor who wants to sex him up. The result is a short simulated sex scene, of which the film is littered with, which comes complete with simulated money shot (that’s right, fake splooge). Once finished, Sachiko decides to celebrate another job well done by getting a tasty drink at a local coffee shop where she inadvertently stumbles upon a high-stakes deal between a North Korean and a Middle Easterner of some sort. Through clumsiness on Sachiko’s part she ends up fouling the deal and accidentally stealing the goods (a small metal canister that I initially thought was a vibrator) and her reward is a bullet right in her brain. Instead of killing her, the bullet ends up awakening a vastly superior intelligence and mental capabilities making it so that she can speak languages she's never heard and understand.

With her newfound mental powers, Sachiko goes on an intellectual sex binge, hooking up with a college professor, his son, and even the North Korean who is now searching for Sachiko and the loot she inadvertently stole. That loot turns out to be the cloned, severed finger of George W. Bush, which is bright red with an American flag painted on its fingernail. This isn’t just some boring finger though, it also seems to be possessed by some sort of G Dubya spirit, and logically the finger proceeds to rape Sachiko. Yes, the girl is raped by a possessed, cloned George Bush finger. While this is easily the weirdest thing in the movie, it’s not so far from the existing vibe of the movie to seem out of sorts. The finger makes a few more cameos, along with a few visions of George Bush (which is some Japanese guy with a paper G.W. mask on), including one point where Sachiko sticks the finger in the bullet wound in her forehead that never seems to heal (it’s usually covered by a band-aid with something odd written on it) to enlighten her so she can find a hidden Russian device that controls all of the U.S. stockpile of nuclear weapons.

It’s a little odd to see what is essentially a porno actually try to have a political message, even if it’s a little skewed and not entirely clear exactly what the message is. It’s obvious that fun is being had at the expense of George W. Bush and his administration, but there doesn’t seem to be anything specific about his policies that director Mitsuru Meike or writer Takao Nakano are targeting except maybe G. W.’s, and essentially all Americans, predisposition to war. If a porn star can run for governor, why can’t a bizarre Japanese sex film have a message?

Now it seems that there are a few very vague rules to have a film qualify as a pink film. I’m not sure who oversees these prerequisites and how they came to be, but there are 4 basics. There is a minimum number of sex scenes (how many, I couldn’t find out), the film must be approximately an hour (Sachiko Hanai is 90 minutes, but presumably the original was much closer to an hour), the film must be shot on 16 or 35mm in a week or less, and must be on a very small budget. These rules explain a lot about the look and feel of the movie. Despite being originally filmed in 2003 it has a much older feel as a result of the film it was shot on. The rules also explain why the effects, such as the severed finger and bullet wound, are so cheap looking. Despite the lo-fi approach that is inherent in the genre, the film still manages to do a good job of delivering its...uhh...story. The actors put those of a traditional porno to shame as they actually convey emotions and deliver lines without sounding like they’re trying to read the back of a cereal box.

Final Verdict: While the movie is incredibly entertaining and Emi Kuroda, who plays Sachiko Hanai, is pretty damn hot in the mostly pleasing sex scenes, I have to knock the film for one thing. I’m just not a big fan of rape. Not the George Bush finger rape, which is more ridiculous than anything else, but two flat out rape scenes. Both of the scenes do nothing for the story that couldn't be done otherwise, and one doesn't even have any bearing on the story at all. I just don’t like rape scenes. Especially in this case, where it’s just there as a fantasy fulfillment, in which rape seems to be romanticized by the sexually repressed Japanese in much the same way that war is by Americans. I’m not sure if there are going to be a lot of people watching this movie with friends, since it seems to verge on breaking the rule that guys shouldn’t watch porno together, but it’s definitely an entertaining movie. It gets a 3/5, but would’ve been a 4 if not for the rape scenes.

The 9 Best Vomit Scenes Ever Filmed

2009-04-09T02:38:00.000-04:00

There are few things in life funnier or more disgusting than vomiting. It's one of those things that just hearing someone starting to gag can start a whole crowd retching. There's a thin, possibly even non-existent, line between hilarious and disgusting vomiting. This isn't a list of little spews and tasteful hurls, this is over-the-top projectile vomiting at it's best. This isn't necessarily a count down, nor is it complete. There are a few scenes I fought with including like The Exorcist, but then I'd have to include the much more extreme rendition done in Scream 2. The Problem Child 2 scene could easily be replaced with a nearly identical scene from The Sandlot, but these are the ones that made the top of my list. Click on to see the chunky spew-fest.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)-
For the most part, this was a rather unsatisfying attempt to bring Douglas Adams' venerable and riotous books to life. There was nothing in this movie that wasn't done better in the 1981 BBC miniseries. To only two redeeming values of the movie were Alan Rickman voicing the part of Marvin the Paranoid Android, and a brief scene in which everyone turns into yarn dolls and our hero Arthur Dent spews yarn. Watch the first minute and a half, then do yourself a favor and stop.

Porky's 2 -
Porky's has an important spot in the history of comedy. Without the success of it, and it's inevitable sequels, there easily could never have been Revenge of the Nerds. The first Porky's had the distinction of Canada's highest grossing film for 24 years, and as of 2006 was still it's second. Porky's 2 doesn't have what you would call a traditional vomiting scene, instead it has tit vomit...yes...tit vomit.

EMBED-Porkys 2 Puke Scene - Watch more free videos

Problem Child 2 -
The Problem Child series of movies weren't exactly my favorite, as I never found them to be quite a laugh riot, but I had to admire Junior's tenacity and ingenuity when it came to being a total pain in the ass. This particular spew scene involves the little antagonist getting some good, old-fashioned revenge. As I mentioned, this scene (minus the ridiculous premise) is played out very similarly in The Sandlot a couple years later.

Meet the Feebles -
Before Peter Jackson became a made man by making the geek porn known as The Lord of the Rings, he made really shitty movies. But he was really good at making really bad movies. Meet the Feebles is a dark comedy featuring an animal cast made entirely of puppets or people in costumes who are members of the Feebles theatre troupe. One of the many actors is Harry, a rabbit who has a terminal STD who gets sick while trying to perform.

Guest House Paradiso -
This is a British movie based on a TV series called Bottom. It is the story of an English guest house (sort of a bed and breakfast) inhabited by various crazy characters, run by completely inept staff. After serving a meal with radioactive fish, guests begin to vomit in unbelievable quantities and with admirable gusto. This goes down as THE weirdest vomit scene I have ever watched.

EMBED-Guesthouse Paradiso Puke Scene - Watch more free videos

Bad Taste -
This is Peter Jackson's second nod on this list, and incidentally the first film he ever made. In the movie, a small New Zealand town has been invaded by enterprising aliens who are harvesting humans as food for a pan-galactic fast food franchise called Crumb's Crunchy Delights. "Aren't I Lucky, I Got A Chunky Bit."

Team America: World Police -
This notoriously raunchy and hilarious movie by the psychotic minds who bring us South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, has a lot of things to be proud of. It's got some of the funniest songs ever made in a movie, the best puppet sex scene I've ever seen, and of course - an over the top vomit scene. In this clip, hero Gary has hit rock bottom, gotten drunk and kicked out of a bar and lets it all fly.

Stand By Me -
This is actually a very poignant and well made coming-of-age movie that is worth a serious watch in different circumstances. However, during a round of campfire story telling, one of the young raconteurs delivers the story of Lard Ass and the pie eating contest. It's another revenge vomit-fest.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life -
The Meaning of Life really has nothing on Holy Grail or Life of Brian, but it does have some really great scenes. One in particular is that of Mr. Creosote in the fancy restaurant. He a disgusting, apocalyptically obese gourmand who ends up splattering more than just a little food.

Thus concludes the oddly numbered list of my all-time favorite, most outrageous vomilation demonstrations. If you have any suggestions for other truly epic exhibits of artful ralphing, feel free to leave a comment.

A Quick Note About Scheduling

2009-04-08T05:11:00.001-04:00

It seems that any time I try to set deadlines for myself, I take them as a challenge to miss them and see what the repercussions are. I had initially setup the Awesomely Bad reviews up as a Bad Movie Monday idea. Mostly cause I have this weird OCD for alliteration. But it's been pretty consistently not-Monday when they get posted. Maybe 2am Tuesday is still Monday for the the 3rd shift world I live in, but not for most. So to hell with the schedules, I'll get shit done when I get shit done. Also, I've stopped doing the Weekly Reamer column. It's not really that fun to do, and not all that funny as far as I can tell. So why bother? I doubt you'll miss them. The Rapid Reviews will stay rather random, though they do seem to approach a bi-weekly schedule by the nature of hhow my free time works out. I do have some new segments in the works, but they rely on some input by others so they're mostly out of my control.

I do have one request, to all one and half of my readers (according to Google Analytics latest report), if you have a decidedly sinister, disgusting, or naughty job (hitman, porn star, splooge cleaner at a peepshow), send me an email at dead@deadregime.com and tell me a little be about what you do and maybe set up a super short (come on, you can handle 10 questions, can't you?) interview. Now run along, I know you've got some porn waiting for you.

Awesomely Bad: Brides of Blood

2009-04-07T00:16:00.000-04:00

I had to go through quite a few unworthy movies to get to one that I felt I could write more than a sentence or two on. Turns out watching bad movies is harder than I thought. After quite a few tries, I finally got to a true Mystery Science Theatre quality bad sci-fi called Brides of Blood. While the other movies were just bad, Brides of Blood was bad with potential, which in turn made it good. Which in turn made it Awesomely Bad (kinda like a non-non-non-heinous from Bill and Ted). Brides of Blood is either the first or second (depending on which source you trust) in a series of "Blood Island" movies that have little to nothing in common plot-wise, but share a common theme of being poorly written and acted. I didn't know about the whole series going in, but did manage to watch the last in the series (Brain of Blood), and I feel that Brides of Blood is a much more enjoyable film to watch solo or with a group of trash talkers.

The basic premise of the film involves three Americans traveling to Blood Island (should've known it was a bad idea from the name alone); Jim Farrell is a supposed Peace Corps. pacifist who wants to enrich the primitive islanders lives, Dr. Paul Henderson is a doctor who wants to study to effects of radiation on flora and fauna (due to the islands proximity to the Bikini Island testing grounds),and Carla Henderson (Paul's wife) is a whore who wants to fuck her way through the boredom of life as a doctor's wife. Things start to go wrong as soon as they arrive at the island when they are informed by one of only two natives on the island who speak English that they have reverted back to primitive ways since Peace loving Jim's "last visit". This "last visit" lends some credibility to Brides of Blood being the second film, but in Mad Doctor of Blood Island (the other candidate for first in the series) John Ashley, who plays Jim in Brides of Blood, plays a completely different character. This doesn't seem too out of character in the whole "Blood Island" series, since the final film (Brain of Blood) seems to have absolutely nothing to do with Blood Island.

The primitive ways of the island eventually reveal themselves to be the practice of sacrificing two really hot Filipino girls at a time to some sex deprived monster. And by sex it seems they mean completely devouring a body. How they came to a mutually beneficial agreement or the reason monster sex involves no actual sex but lots of blood and death is never quite clear, but who am I to get caught up in semantics. But a strangely calm acceptance of a monster and sacrifice aren't the only things amiss on Blood Island. It also turns out that some of the trees are alive and really like the taste of Filipino kids, there are vicious moths and cockroaches running rampant on the island, and there is a unusually suave English-speaking half-Spaniard man that lives in a small fortress home with an army of midgets who do his bidding whom watches and reports on the island and its inhabitants.

While all this craziness is going on, garnering little more than an arched eyebrow from the islanders or it's Don Juan caretaker but sending any woman into absolute hysterics, our pacifist Jim Farrell is trying to get the natives to build an irrigation system and the good doctor is..umm...looking at stuff in jars and being all scientific by talking about radiation and stuff. He's really a bad doctor...not an evil doctor, I just mean he doesn't seem terribly good at his job. Then again, our Peace Corps pacifist Jim doesn't make a very good pacifist and doesn't seem like he's too keen of the peace thing either as he spends the entire movie trying to get the natives to kill the monster, mostly because he's fallen in love with the hottest girl on the island who also happens to be his personal translator. No one seems to pay much attention to the fact that the monster is clearly just poorly painted latex, the killer moth looks like it's made of construction paper and has a visible wire, or that the sexy Spanish/Filipino/American/Italian whatever the hell he is suffers from unexplained migraines and has "episodes" and starts to disappear whenever the monster comes. And Mrs. Henderson is still a whore.

Final Verdict: So the movies plot is paper thin and even seems to contradict it's own established story (assuming that The Mad Dr. of Blood Island is indeed the first), the acting is so very 60's/70's sci-fi that it's hardly worth mentioning because this is pretty much de rigueur for the times and genre, and the special effects are so low-tech that when they pull off a decent one you're actually impressed. So what. This is exactly the kind of movie I love spending time with. Bring in a friend or two with a bit of wit and you've got your own commentary worthy of Mike Nelson, Crow, and Tom Servo. It's just good ole bad sci-fi and a 3/5.

Rapid Review - Wanted: Weapons of Fate

2009-04-02T04:41:00.000-04:00

If you were a fan of the movie Wanted, only ever so slightly based on the awesome short series of comics, and are thinking that Weapons of Fate is going to serve as a way to sate your thirst for more hot chicks, ridiculous action, and gritty story then let me give you an alternative - just read the comics. They're a million times better than the movie (which I didn't like), and a zillion times better than the game. The action is dry and trite, the story is a nonsensical stream of cliches and set changes, and the damn thing is less than 6 hours. That's right, you're being expected to shell out $60 for an absolute max of 6 hours. That's a cost-per-hour that's twice what you paid to watch the crappy movie. Unless you hate yourself and want to be ridiculed when your friends see that you've played a shit game then avoid Wanted: Weapons of Fate if at all possible. It's not even worth it as an achievement/trophy boost. A dismal 4/10. For specifics, hit the jump and read on.

I'm not a man who has read a lot of comics. I loved them when I was little, but once I learned to enjoy the written word of a great novel (and got distracted blowing up G.I. Joes) I ended up leaving them behind. Ever since college I have found myself being one of the odd ones that still doesn't read them much, only picking up the rare graphic novel or series if I'm all but forced. Someone all but forced me to read the Wanted mini-series by Mark Millar and J.G. Jones, and I thank them. Then someone forced me to watch the Wanted movie and I beat them to death with a 12-inch floppy dildo behind the theater (don't ask where I got the dildo). Sadly, I only have myself to blame for playing the game. Although equating to a complete ripoff, I must thank someone for only making me punish my brain for a little under 6 hours.

Weapons of Fate picks up a few hours after the events that took place in the movie and sets you off on an absurd revenge hunt for some mysterious French SWAT leader that leads you through betrayal on various completely uninspiring levels. Despite taking place after the movie, it seems dear Wesley Gibson has forgotten every goddamn thing he learned in the movie and you have to slowly regain the use of essential skills like curving bullets. It's about 1/4 of the way in before you even get that skill, which proves to be of very limited usefulness. One of the things touted in the game was it's Max Payne style use of bullet time, but your slow-mo abilities are exclusively tied to a retarded and faulty cover system, which limits it's use substantially.

The cover system (or gaining cover by whatever means necessary) in the game is both absolutely essential to survival, but also maddeningly flawed and poorly implemented. One of the first things you will notice is that while in cover mode, any time you aim your weapon you instantly lose your entire depth of field. For no apparent reason you become exceptionally near-sited and lose the ability to target or even hit enemies outside your limited focus. Once you get used to it, and sadly I did, you learn that Wesley doesn't seem to realize his own size or have any concept of space as he will often crouch behind objects that don't even come close to protecting him from fire. When you are behind something substantial enough to deflect a bullet or two, the camera ducks so fire behind you that you have to pop out into aiming mode to see anything...which completely defeats purpose of the cover system as you are immediately vulnerable again. I had initially discarded the cover system entirely because of it's faults until I unlocked the bullet-time ability, which required you to use cover to activate it, and was forced back into the system I had learned to do quite well without.

Once you do begin unlocking new talents, you should quickly learn that they completely unbalance the game. I, sadly, did not learn this as quick as I should. I squandered by abilities, thinking I should save them for a time in the level when I really needed them. It took me a while to realize you never really NEED them, except for a few bosses, and can use them wantonly. The game tries to balance the use of abilities by making each one cost "adrenaline", with advanced abilities costing more. Considering that you earn adrenaline "shots" for every bad guy you kill, double if you kill them in melee combat, you never feel that Resident Evil ammo squeeze, and can kill quickly and indiscriminately without repercussion.

As the story of Weapons of Fate progresses you are embroiled in a flashback story that revolves around Wesley's father, the previous master assassin Cross, and his mother Allyse, all in regards to the truth of Wesley's birth and the death of his parents. In these flashbacks you get to play as Cross, who is infinitely cooler than Wesley in the game, carries dual pistols from the get go, and doesn't run like he's got his dick in his hand at all times (which is exactly how Wesley runs). These levels not only feel more polished, but have a more cohesive story and the progression through the levels actually makes sense. Where as Wesley's levels have you making leaps and jumps to conclusions that are never quite explained and then drop you into levels where you're never quite sure why you're there and what you're supposed to be doing. The only real motivation for killing the bad guys is because they say so, and they happen to be shooting at you.

One thing that really surprised me about Wanted was how absolutely awful the game looks. It's not so much that the graphics are sub par, it's the fact that even though it looks like a beginning of the current generation game itd still has frame rate issues. The game chops and jerks its way from beginning to end. Add to this the fact that so much of the game is set at night and in dark settings (dark AND at night - nice) but the color pallet is so muted and the contrast so negligible that you could be killed by enemies never seen...not even by their muzzle flash. At this point games shouldn't both look like shit and run like shit. At least pick one or the other.

Final Verdict: While none of this is all that great, it would at least slide as a mediocre game if it weren't for the fact that it's only 6 fucking hours long...and I died a lot - especially during the last half with the stupid quick time events they threw in there just for the hell of it. Charging full price for this piece of shit, and not making it a PlayStation Network or Xbox Live Arcade title, is just pocket rape. At least with the Watchmen game they made it downloadable and episodic so that once you realized it sucks balls you weren't out a sizable chunk of change with nothing to show for it. In the end you have a game that is short and shit, two things I don't like in my games, which earns it a 4/10.

P.S. - Go buy the Wanted trade paperback - it's too awesome not to.

Awesomely Bad: Mulva/Filthy McNasty Double Feature

2009-04-01T00:29:00.000-04:00

Oh dear sweet lord, I know we haven't had many reasons to talk to each other, but right now I have to ask a huge favor. Please kill writer/actor/director/producer/cinematographer/shit peddler Chris Seaver, the man responsible for the series of Mulva, Fithy McNasty, and various other cinematic abortions. Very rare is the movie that actually causes me physical pain and discomfort, but the Mulva/Filthy McNasty double feature really made me consider snorting lines of Comet and doing shots of Clorox. That honestly seemed like a better time. The non-existent budget and exclusive use of someones dads camcorder really don't play into the pain and suffering that come under the guise of this seeming tribute to the Troma film spirit. Let's take a look at each one.
First up is Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker. The flick starts out with this obnoxious chocolate addicted girl, Mulva, with a slurry lisp that is not only annoying but hard to understand. Mulva, the girl named after a punch-line from a Seinfeld episode, suddenly realizes that today is Halloween, which is both her favorite day of the year, because of the candy, and the source of her darkest moment, which is when two jackasses that show up later in the movie stole her Halloween candy years before. At some point, for no reason, with no background at all, zombies show up. Mulva and her friend Cassie are rescued from a zombie attack and from Mulva's candy-stealing nemesis by a black-faced Bill Cosby/Don King mash-up, played by my new hero/actor/director Chris Seaver.

Even taking into consideration the fact that Mulva is just a low-budget horror spoof and there shouldn't really be high expectations, I am still in awe of how unbelievably bad it is. It's unfunny to the point of just being awkward and uncomfortable to watch whenever an obvious joke, pun, or slapstick moment not only fails but fails catastrophically. What few flatly delivered jokes there are have been done verbatim in better movies by better actors, which considering how bad both the movie and the actors are isn't really saying much. While there were two amusing cameos from Troma Studios head hauncho Lloyd and a bad original song by NY's world famous Naked Cowboy, there is absolutely nothing redeeming about Mulva except for the fact that it somehow manages to be better and less repulsive than it's double-feature compatriot, Filthy McNasty.

Which brings us to the second act of this painful duet, Filthy McNasty. Where Mulva was just a failing and flailing horror-comedy, Filthy McNasty is just an obscene Carrie ripoff that aspires to be a foul-mouthed horror porno, if only they could have afforded actors willing to have sex on screen. The movie starts with geeky and tragically unpopular friends Julie and Liz commiserating over how tragically unpopular they really are. The obvious solution to their social woes is a Faustian deal with an obviously undersexed demon that turns them from nearly invisible geeks to super-popular sexy vixens. The price for fame and fuckability become too high when horny and murderous demon decides to kill off all the popular kids at a party that Julie and Liz attend after their new found social ascension.

It's when the party starts that things really take a steep, steep dive down into the murky depths of shittyness. The group of party goers end up engaging in dialogue that would usually be reserved for cheap porn and one-night-stands. The greatest offender, and sadly the only person who actually ends up showing any nudity, is the slightly obese Vivian(played by Ali Kat) who plays the role of the groups blow up doll and fuck buddy. Ironically, or appropriately, after Filthy McNasty (which is her first movie) Ali Kat appears exclusively in porn thereafter.

Final Verdict: Whether taken separately or combined as a budget buy double feature as was my case, neither film warrants any serious attention. I suppose that it is possible given enough friends and a steady and potent supply of beer or drugs, that these could be an enjoyable experience. As is, both of these movies are absolute shit - nasty creamed corn baby shit. The only things worse than these two movies are the fact that each one has at least one sequel (Filthy McNasty has 2) and Grand Shit-Meister Chris Seaver has somewhere around 14 films to his dirty, dirty name. I give this double doucheer a 1/5 and recommend you keep well out of sight of it unless you plan on getting so shit faced you already have a reservation with the stomach pump in the ER.

PS - If you ever find yourself looking at the cover of this movie and think to yourself "Oh, well it's got a hot chick with a big gun, how can it be that bad?" Well it can be that bad because the girl on the cover is a dirty, lying whore! She's not even in the movies and there aren't any goddamn guns in sight.

Breaking News: Twitter Hates Grammar

2009-03-26T01:36:00.001-04:00

We interrupt your regularly scheduled internet for this late Breaking News. Sources close to Twitter have confirmed that use of proper grammar, spelling, and moderation with smileys is widely considered to be one of the top weaknesses of aspiring Twitter Whores. Embedded reporters in the Twitter scene have noted increasing aggression towards those who try to use proper English and have even been forced to become pseudo-twitspeakers for fear of their lives.

One user, who had initially been approached to be an example of the degradation of the use of proper English revealed that she abhorred the downfall of propriety and consented to an interview.

@ih8english it's been lyk a livin hell

@ih8english strunk n white wuld weep

@deadjournalist so why do it? why perpetuate the "atrocity"?

@ih8english i'm a blogger and i get all my traffic from twitter. if i became a grammar nazi i'd lose credibility

@deadjournalist you don't feel like you've sold out?

@ih8english of course I've sold out. but there's no money as an english lit major. teaching pays dick!

This undercover English major and lover of fine literature went on to talk about the stigma of being a proper grammatical writer, being called such names as "tweet twat", "grammar slammer", and "stupid poo poo head". Our source also talked about having to enter Twitter Protection and opening yet another pseudonym as a result of this interview. More news as it develops.

Awesomely Bad: Microwave Massacre

2009-03-24T00:34:00.000-04:00

You know a horror movie is going to be pure quality when the star is the guy who voiced Frosty the Snowman in all those classic kid's cartoons. That's right, legendary "King of Deadpan" Jackie Vernon plays lead role in what the director self-appointed as the "Worst Horror Movie Ever Made." With bonifides like that, Microwave Massacre had a lot to live up to. Could this tale of an Average Joe turned cannibalistic serial killer really be that bad?

The quick answer is; No. The sordid tale of Don, a milquetoast construction worker with a nagging wife with culinary retardation, who snaps and begins killing and eating his savory victims - starting with his wife - is not the worst horror movie ever made. It is a very poorly made movie with deplorable acting, oddly paced scenes, and frighteningly bad effects but it also happens to be a pretty funny movie that also earns some points for it's gratuitous boob shots.

For a movie that's supposed to be about a guy who kills and eats his wife, I did find it rather surprising that it took nearly half an hour (of a movie only 76 minutes long) of his wife's ridiculous nagging before he killed her, and slightly over 30 minutes before he ate her. The only reason he ate her then was because he had nothing better to eat - makes sense to me. Except for an odd boob shot that I couldn't tell if it was a low-impact workout/rape scene or just a really casual sex scene, absolutely nothing happens for that 30 minutes. The nagging is pretty uninspired, and if the man married and stayed with someone that stupid and useless, he kind of deserves a life of slow, passive torture.

Once his wife is dead, and his rather subdued lust for lady-meat is activated, our boring, bumbling, and slightly pudgy hero blindly stumbles his way into a rather active sex life with whores, sluts, and immigrants who obviously don't have pickup lines in their country. At first his attempts at getting it on don't work, but once his sex life and food cravings merge to be one in the same, Don becomes a junkie for both. Considering the now atrocious fashion of the early 80's, the women are still pretty attractive, especially since the movie looks like it was made on a 12 year old's allowance. Where his wife failed in the art of culinary delights, Don masters the ancient skill of slow broiling broads in his nice, new Massive Electric microwave (an enormous, oven-sized beast that actually gets it's own credit at the end of the movie). Don even begins sharing his food creations with his construction co-workers, who find that they love this strangely unique meat and also find that they seem to like Don a lot more now that he has "separated" with his wife.

All good things must come to an end though, and in the last 2 or 3 minutes of the movie, when it seems there's no logical ending in sight, Don suffers a fatal heart attack. At some point in the muddled story of sex and babe-BBQ, Don had a minor heart attack and ends up with a pace maker. At the very end, after his friends randomly find Don dead and a selection of body parts in the microwave, a group of movers clearing out the house discover some faulty wiring in the microwave that was a "ticking time bomb for someone with a pace maker."

There are some truly funny moments in the movie that come from the lines delivered or the gimmicks displayed. While hatcheting up his latest victim in his kitchen (with a hatchet that he checked it's sharpness by splitting a hair) Don suddenly realizes how famished he is and blurts out, directly to the camera, "I'm so hungry I could eat a whore." He also has several short run-in's with his sultry and promiscuous neighbor, who's name is Dee-Dee-Dee because her mom stuttered and couldn't get her real name right, where she's doing such odd things as gardening with a small vibrator (which also gets a "provided by" line in the credits).

Final Verdict: Had Microwave Madness had someone other than Jackie Vernon who was capable of delivering a good line, especially his wife, the movie would have been a lot funnier as there seemed to be humorous potential in the script that never got realized. A little more and higher quality gore, especially blood that didn't look like strawberry syrup, would have been appreciated, but the completely unrealistic severed head of his wife was perfect. Especially considering it fooled his wife's sister during a unannounced visit, at least until it fell out of the bed and Don was forced to keep his in-law tied up in his closet for the remainder of the movie, gagged by a increasingly molding piece of baguette. With just a little more effort, the movie could've shined, but as is I give it a 3.5/5.

BSG Finale Live Blog (of a pre-recorded episode)

2009-03-22T23:44:00.001-04:00

I decided to try my hand at this craze of live-blogging significant events. So I chose the series finale of Battle Star Galactica. The only problem is that I was at work during the finale and didn't get to see it. So now I'm going to live-blog a finale that happened 2 days ago. Please note that the time stamps of my blogging will coincide with the time in the show, but I am skipping commercials, so my times won't correspond with those of someone who watched it on network TV. (it was 2 hours long on TV, it's only 1:35 without commercials...yeah, we all got jypped 30 minutes of awesome). Here goes:

0:00.27 - Sweet, recaps...I love recaps. I get to see all the stuff I've already seen. I like Frisky Dingo's recaps, most of them either never happened or happened completely different than what the recap is showing.

0:00.58 - Oooh, it's the present day now...but it's all flashbacks. So it's not REALLY present day.

0:02.10 - Caprica looks like LA in Bladerunner, but strippers are the same in any universe.

0:07.50 - Mommie Darko is gonna get some "Hot For Teacher" action. Nice.

0:08.47 - Aww, poor Adama can't hold his liquor. Mmm...vomit.

0:10.02 - Is Gaius gonna be a big ole pussy and let everyone go off and kill themselves?

0:14.40 - Isn't that nice. Adama gave command of the fleet to some guy I only remember for being Gaeta's gay lover.

0:18.09 - I knew Gaius wouldn't let me down. He can't go out as a big wet wimpy gash of a man. And damn that's a lot of toasters.

0:19.30 - Museum Force Go!
0:20.40 - Bathtub Boy? Go!

0:25.00 - Poor Galactica, it's all busted now. :(

0:26.00 - At least they spray painted the good toasters so they'd know the difference when they turn against them.

0:28.47 - So is he sucking the gravy out of her, or harvesting ADAM?

0:31.25 - Very nice! They each have their very own Harvey inside them.

0:33.44 - Boomer down! Boomer down! You knew they had to kill her...

0:43.10 - Well it's nice for this scene that we've seen on and off for the last few seasons to finally make some sense.

0:51.44 - What happens in Bathtub Boy's water, stays in Bathtub Boy's water.

0:55.30 - Wonder what Jimi Hendrix (or Bob Dylan)would think about being the key to saving mankind?

1:01.13 - So we're at the 1-hour mark and I'm afraid the next 30 minutes are gonna be kinda preachy.

1:05.22 - "...he'll guide the entire fleet directly into the sun." Soo..no testing the waters, make sure it's all cool before you blow up the only way off the rock, huh?

1:21.55 - Uhh..ok. So...see ya later Starbuck. Have fun storming the castle.

1:26.50 - Well that's depressing.

1:35.00 - All part of God's plan, huh? And...credits.

And thus the end of a great, albeit, short era of sci-fi ends. Hell, even Sci-fi is ending, considering they plan on changing their name to Syfy (yeah, that'll lose that geek stigma). It's kinda sad, I felt the same way after Star Trek: The Next Generation, Babylon 5, and Farscape ended as well. Sure, there is the prequel series, Caprica, and even talks of a movie by Glen Larson which would actually be based on the original series, but for all intents and purposes, the throne is now empty and there aren't any suitors for the king of sci-fi.

There were some things about the finale that I felt were a bit odd or a bit off. One odd thing was that the special effects seemed to be a bit lower quality in this episode than in any of the previous ones I can remember. I wonder if it was the budget versus the running time. Throughout the series there has been the allusion to God's plan made by the Caprica 6 in Gaius' head, and to a slightly lesser degree by the other Cylons, like Cavil, but stating that Caprica 6 and Gaius' delusions were actually angels was a bit odd, and then the epilogue with the two angels walking through modern day New York talking again about God's plan was kind of cheesy.

For the most part, however, things were tied up nicely. There was the poignant ending of Laura and Adama, the divvying up of all the survivors to save humanity, and even a cute little family scene with Helo and Athena. There were two big questions I was left with by the end that weren't answered. The obvious one was what the hell was Starbuck? A ghost, an angel herself, the second coming of Jesus, the product of a ship-wide hallucination because of an overactive meth lab? That one is likely to never be answered. The other one, which seems less obvious to me, is how exactly was Hera the savior of humanity. It has ended up as BSG's "Save the cheerleader", which never really panned out in Heroes, at least not to my satisfaction. If it was because she lead Cavil to CIC, which lead to a cease fire, which lead the destruction of the colony that housed the remaining threatening Cylons, then yeah, I suppose. That's a bit tangential and kinda pushing it for me. All in all, I was glad the show was able to go out on a high note, unlike so many other initially great shows, and get a true ending that didn't seem rushed or forced. So say we all.

Weekly Reamer : 3/20/09

2009-03-21T02:09:00.000-04:00

Yep, it's that time again. Time to get reamed. If you ignore the fact that the stock market has been on the rise for the last two weeks (well, it kinda stumbled today), it's been a pretty depressing week. So it's yet another week where it seems like a bad idea to stay informed. You have to listen to report after report trying to shock people with revelations that the sub-prime market spurred on this It's-Not-Just-Good-It's-Great Recession. Even though just about everyone has known for...umm...a year? I mean they've only been pushing that at us from the beginning. But hey...SURPRISE! Meanwhile the all powerful Postal Service, with the omnipotence to tell us we WILL have a stamp with surf legend Duke Kahanamoku, isn't faring so well as it forces 3,000 to live like beach bums and will offer another 150,000 their own tiny not so golden parachute early retirement package. Hell, even hair isn't doing so hot. That's right..our hair is suffering. Or at least the people that butcher our hair. But hey, the new Camaro was unveiled, and that's gonna save the auto industry, right? I mean the V6 starts at only $22,995, the V8 $30,995 - yeah, not at that price.

However, the real winner (if you want to call it that) this week has no doubt been AIG. It's the little engine that never should, the belle of the bailout ball, and not just the whipping boy but the beat the unholy shit out of boy of all that's wrong with the economy today. And while things continue to spiral in the rest of the world, Americans can sleep safer, albeit broker and homlessier, knowing that the government is gonna kick and beat that dead horse until it's even deader.

Reamer Value: 12 Reamers. Yup..just 12. Cause they obviously don't give a shit and aren't the only ones being supreme cunts.

Rapid Review - Resident Evil 5

2009-03-19T03:00:00.000-04:00

Let's say you were being chased by zombies. Now let's say that you have a gun. And for the hell of it, let's say that you're part of a special task force and have a long history of dealing with zombies. Now that you've put yourself in this scenario tell me, if all the above was true would you stop, take aim, fire a shot, and then slowly turn around to continue running? Of course you would because you're not a stupid fuck with a hard-wired death wish. Unfortunately, Chris Redfield is. And unfortunately in Resident Evil 5, you are Chris Redfield. And that right there is pretty much the only real problem with Resident Evil 5. Otherwise it's a good, sometimes gorgeous, looking game with a passable if a bit expected story and a fair bit of fun action and a great opportunity for some superb co-op experiences. Take out the ridiculously placed quick time events (something I loathe in general) and you'd have a fantastically fun game. Resident Evil 5 gets an 8/10, but it potential for better. For specifics, hit the jump and read on.

Resident Evil 5 (RE5) follows Chris Redfield which, aside from Code Veronica and the Umbrella Chronicles, is the first time we've really seen him since the original Resident Evil where him and now deceased partner Jill Valentine battled Albert Wesker after the outbreak of the original T-Virus (the strain of virus that first started turning people into mindless flesh connoisseurs). The story starts with Chris showing up in Africa to investigate a major weapons deal going down. Since Raccoon City has fallen and STARS is no more (the Umbrella Corporation has also since fallen), he has joined with the Bio-terrorism Security Assessment Alliance (BSAA), and is met in Africa by fellow BSAA agent Sheva Alomar. Sheva plays your constant companion throughout the game, but is not directly playable. Not too surprisingly, the weapons deal goes sour and suddenly Chris finds himself in yet another zombie infested land with a new super virus on the loose.

The gameplay is pretty simple, or at least it should be, but Capcom has intentionally handicapped you (presumably in an effort to raise tension) by forcing your to completely stop anytime you aim your weapon. It seems with each iteration of Resident Evil, it slowly becomes closer and closer to being a straight up run-an-gun game, and the fact that you completely stop is the only thing that keeps RE5 from giving in completely. The typical throng of zombies coming after populate the world, though there is quite a variety in their looks and in the types of zombies. Not just your average brain-dead flesh followers, these zombies wield various weapons that get deadlier and more explosive as the game goes on and even attempt, though rarely succeed, in using strategic tactics. At the beginning of the game I was frantic and paranoid every time I saw a zombie and ran for high ground, but once you find your first shotgun you slowly begin to get more and more confident an less and less tense.

The weapons in RE5 are a lot more varied than in previous releases, not only offering more classes of guns, but different options within each class. Not all rifles, shotguns, and pistols are created equal. Add in the upgradable aspects, which improve damage, clip capacity, reload time and more, and you can wield massive damage in small packages. The upgrade system uses money, which you find throughout the levels and get in exchange for selling artifacts you also find, to pay for each upgrade, which gets more expensive the higher you go. The only problem is that I often invested a lot of money in a weapon I found early in the game only to later find another weapon whose base stats are better than the original weapons base stats, but don't compare to what you souped-up weapon has. The dilemma is that you have to decide if the max potential for the new weapon is worth abandoning all that money you invested in the one you have now. Often I found that I stayed with what I had and knew was a sure thing.

As I mentioned earlier, you have a new partner, Sheva, in RE5 that stays with you throughout the game. Sheva is better than most AI partners, but it's much better and much more fun to have a human in the role. The good thing is that RE5 makes it really easy to have a real partner, even if you're sad, lonely, and have no friends. When you start a game you have the option of playing a private game in which no one can join, a friends-only game where only those on your friends lists can join, or a completely open and public game where anyone came come and go throughout the game and serve as your wing man or woman. Even when you're solo, the AI Sheva does a pretty good job of drawing fire or helping in the fire fights and automatically gets out of your way when she's in your line-of-fire (Hey, Ubisoft! You taking note? I'm sick of that shit in your Tom Clancy games.). The only real drawback to the AI partner is that you end up having to do a lot of round-about resource management on her behalf. You have to make sure she's armed and well stocked with ammo. On the plus side, you can also use her as a limited pack mule to tote the stuff you don't want and she acts as a great medic, relieving you of having to shuffle through the inventory system mid-battle to heal yourself.

Visually the game can be very stunning, but it seems that you often find yourself in environments where that isn't taken advantage of as often as it should be. The locations are varied, ranging from the slummy African city to the swamped marshlands, to some pseudo-Mayan underground ruins. There are a few vehicle scenarios that aren't too involved, but also don't feel stapled on after-the-fact and seem relevant to the story. Not nearly as welcome are the ridiculous Quick Time Events that are spread throughout some of the games many in-game cut scenes. The problem with the QTE's is that you have no idea they're coming up, and sometimes the game doesn't seem to recognize that you've done what was asked of you, even though you were quick on the draw and mashed the right buttons. The surprise factor of the events are the most maddening because you will go through 4 or 5 cut scenes without anything, and then suddenly one is sprung on you leaving you fumbling for the controller or randomly mashing buttons. Cut scenes are not the time for a quick piss or to grab a drink.

Final Verdict: While the stop and go action of the game may seem counter productive, it ends up working out once you get used to it, and it seems that Capcom was very conscious of what this choice would mean to the way you play the game. In the end, Resident Evil 5 is fun, relatively low on the fear factor, but makes for some occasional tense fire fights and a story that's worth paying attention to. The opportunity and predominance of co-op in the game is welcome and loved as I'm not big on the competitive side of multiplayer but a huge fan of getting the chance to have a friend join in on the core campaign. Overall Resident Evil 5 gets an 8/10 for good fun and good action.

Awesomely Bad: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

2009-03-18T03:43:00.000-04:00

I was out of town so I missed my usual Monday release, but fear not, I have another bad movie for you this week. First off, I have to admit that I was torn as to whether or not I could justify reviewing this movie after stating last week that Cannibal: The Musical wasn't eligible because it was intentionally bad. After much soul searching I decided to tell myself to fuck off and review whatever I felt like. So...fuck you...me. Now let me introduce Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. This is a real gem of a movie. It's a low budget comedy horror in the same vein as Evil Dead II. Much like Evil Dead II, the makers of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter seemed to take the idea that since they couldn't afford a realistic gore movie that they would spoof their own intentions by way of a comedy.

The story is pretty simple; lesbians all over Ottawa are being abducted and killed by a quickly growing population of day walking vampires. Two young Catholic priests become aware of the situation, but because the victims are lesbians the church won't officially get involved. This is clearly a job for a higher power, so the priests go down to the beach and recruit Jesus Christ. That's right, Jesus is back and he's hanging out at the beach. But he's not slacking on his second coming, he's busy kicking ass - vampire ass. Jesus, with his powerful kung-fu, is aided by Mary Magnum, a member of a secret organization that has had their eye on the Ottawa vampire situation.

The movie is a combination of slapstick comedy action and a cleverly written script with some good, genuine, intentional laughs. The low-budget production value seems to justify and even endear you to the poorly choreographed and executed fight scenes that pit Jesus against an army of Atheists that feel his presence on Earth is an affront to their beliefs, a bar full of rockabilly loving vampires, and a super-vamp duo that serve as the movies main antagonists. There is a guest appearance by an overweight El Santo impersonator, the Mexican Luchodor wrestler who starred in a ton of his own cheesy horror movies, who is brought in to help Jesus fight the growing hordes and assists in a the showdown junkyard fight at the end. The fights, while incredibly simplistic, embrace their cheesiness and actor Phil Caracas, who plays Jesus, seems to have a natural flair for slapstick expressions and actions. While the fights don't push the martial arts to their limits, or even to actually being martial arts, the gimmicks are great. Jesus and crew take out vampires with drumsticks, toothpicks, and even a pair of crutches.

The movie was released in 2001 but the shooting style makes it look like a much older film. Whether this was intentional and part of the paltry $100k budget was used in post-production to get this effect, or if this was just because of the equipment at hand I can't say but it lends to the genuinely campy aspect of the intentionally campy production. The cast seems to be primarily acting school dropouts, but Phil Caracas plays of Jesus rather convincingly, even when he gets a modern-day make over, trading in his iconic robe and long hair for street clothes, a buzz cut, and some medium-gauge piercings, he pulls it off rather convincingly for a satirical attempt at Jesus.

Final Verdict: Although Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is intentional campy and cheesy, it really seems that with the budget and available actors it was destined to be so one way or another. Wisely the cast and crew decided to embrace it instead of fight it and end making a film that suffers as a result. What ends up on screen is a rather likable and entirely laughable action horror comedy.
4/5 - it's not a top 10, but it's in the permanent library now.

Weekly Reamer: 3/13/09

2009-03-14T01:04:00.000-04:00

This weeks Weekly Reamer was a pretty easy choice. Of course there was the usual unfortunate pet (which have become a Reamer staple), Bernard Madoff got sent to jail with out bail, and a Mexican drug lord made the Forbes' billionaire list. Nothin, however, has been quite as entertaining as the epic reaming that CNBC's Jim Cramer has been getting at the hands of The Daily Show's Jon Stewart.

It all seemed to really start firing up when Stewart went on his tirade about CNBC when Rick Santelli canceled, and has since escalated with barbs and zingers being aimed at Cramer in particular ever since. It all finally came to a head on Thursday's episode when Cramer appeared on The Daily Show and...kinda whimpered and did a lot of what I think was supposed to be perceived as apologies. In all likelihood this one-on-one interview had more to do with the big hit (24%) in ratings that Cramer has suffered in the process of this feud, and less to do with a feeling of guilt or honest admission that he's a horrible adviser and a great shill for a network that could conceivably be accused of causing the financial crisis to begin with. While ultimately it's just two talking heads doing their job on each other, it's both entertaining and serves to call out the media to quit fucking around. It won't work, but it's a nice try anyways.

Reamer Value: 100,000 Reamers.
(It's probably only worth a couple hundred, but because it entertained me so much, I spent the reamers out of my own pocket to get it up to a cool, even 100k)