“Keep up the roughhousing, son.  Without a strong male presence in the house, you could turn sissy overnight!  Oh, these stubborn grass stains.” – Homer Simpson

In “The Saga of Carl”, Homer, Moe, Lenny and Carl win the Springfield Lottery. But when Carl takes off to Iceland – his Homeland – with all the winnings, the guys embark on a Nordic adventure to rescue the cash.

In “Dangers on a Train”, looking for a cupcake website, Marge mistakenly ends up an online dating site for married people to arrange affairs. There she encounters Ben, who tries to seduce her based on their mutual love of TV series Upton Rectory, mostly over the phone.

Oooohh!  Double Feature!!  I can’t recall The Simpsons ever trying to end a season as fast as possible like this before, so that’s new.  Also Seth MacFarlane and Lisa Lampanelli are both guests tonight. I wonder if Fox realizes that the people who still enjoy this show are either too young or too out of it to know who Lisa lampanelli is? Not that I care, although now I may spend my time from 8-9 pm tonight listening to her standup instead of watching this 60 minute void.

“I don’t need a card, you live in the room next to me.” – Lisa Simpson
“Note: next year, order fewer cards.” – Bart Simpson

“Okay, Homer, bases loaded and you’re up.  Where’s that secret weapon?” – Carl
“Check it out, boys, my magic bat.” – Homer Simpson
“That’s it?” – Carl
“Yeah, I got a magic bat, too.” – Lenny
“And I got an enchanted jockstrap.” – Carl

“It took the children forty minutes to locate Canada on the map.” – Marge Simpson
“Marge, anyone can miss Canada, all tucked away down there.” – Homer Simpson

Whenever Zombie Simpsons hitches its fading star to a currently popular celebrity, your Katys Perry and Ladys Gaga, the internet throws a brief but mild fit wherein huge numbers of pop culture sites that normally couldn’t give a fuck about the show write about how Celebrity X is gonna be Simpsonized.  That very thing happened this week in regards to Justin Bieber’s brief and pointless cameo, so it’s a bit of a clipped Reading Digest.  Bieber clogged the tubes, and once you’ve read one blog post lamenting the brevity of his appearance, you’ve read all several thousand of them.   Besides that deliberate omission, we’ve got some cool fan art, a statistical analysis of other celebrity guests, some excellent usage, several people who agree with us, some (possibly dubious) statistics about Duff, and a plastic donut.

Enjoy.

Oh, and this is basically obligatory today:

The Curse of the Simpsons! – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this statistical look at whether or not guest voicing on The Simpsons is bad for your health.  Short answer, no:

So there is no curse, celebrities who appear on the Simpsons live about an extra 3 years (on average at least).  If we look at the ages Simpson guests have been dying, the average is 76 years, with some folks pushing 100.

No wonder they keep having pointless cameos like Bieber and Captain Picard, it makes people live longer.  Jean’s probably got a lucrative, off the books sideline in selling guest spots.  (At this rate, Bieber’s going to be alive until 2130.) 

Went to get my oil changed and found this… – This is a reddit link to a positively amazing set of images of styrofoam cups with elaborate drawings, including the Simpson family on the inside of one.

Bizarro Baseball: the Isotopes – Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made:

Perhaps the strangest, most incredible part of this origin story lies in the annals (or lack thereof) of subsidiary rights:

In the three months after the team’s name was announced in September 2002, before the team ever took the field, the team sold more merchandise than the Albuquerque Dukes sold in any single season, and led minor league baseball in merchandising revenue in 2003.

The real life Simpsons: The Groening family tree – This is what happens when you have to come up with characters in the waiting cubicle at 1987 FOX.

Canadian ‘couch gag’ a dream come true for ‘Simpsons’ fan – So that couch gag contest they’re running isn’t just a desperate ploy for attention, it’s an internationally desperate ploy for attention:

Savaya, 22, earned the trip to Hollywood by coming up with a “couch gag” for the opening credits of the season 24 finale of The Simpsons. It airs Sunday at 8:30 p.m. on Global.

Savaya’s couch gag will air only on the Canadian broadcast of the show.

“I’ve never seen a Canadian couch gag before so I figured I might as well make it as Canadian as possible,” he says of his decision to include Sir John A. MacDonald, a hockey player, a loon and a beaver — and Maggie replacing her pacifier with a hockey puck.

Not now, Ralph. 

Top 8½ Overlooked Games – Video game nostalgia that agrees with us:

lots of people bought it but many dismissed it as another crappy licensed game. And those who did so were wrong. Sure, it’s a GTA clone without the violence, but it’s also some of the best ones out there. Good gameplay, good Simpsons-esque humor (not nearly as good or daring as in the golden age of Simpsons, but still), voice acting by the original cast and so on.

The Simpsons writer hails North West talent – More about that new British show Weinstein is doing.

Voice to Vexed – Perfectly quoted excellent usage:

This is a verbatim message I recently spoke to my brother’s Voice-to-Text service, quoting Chief Clancy Wiggum from The Simpsons: “This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a . . . car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat: hatless.”

I can’t wait till they throw his hatless butt in jail.

Huzzah! – Because all dictionary entries should reference The Simpsons and be written on bar napkins. 

“Mad Men” accidentally includes anachronism, sets Internet ablaze – Quoted at length because, yeah:

As aforementioned, “The Simpsons” provides an excellent send up of this. But Comic Book Guy does not only pick apart fictional TV shows and comic books of the “Simpsons” universe. In thinly veiled moments of meta-commentary, he pokes fun at the “Simpsons’” devoted fan base. This is done beautifully in an old episode when the Simpson family obtains a pet horse. Comic Book Guy references a previous “Simpsons” episode with a similar plotline. To a crowd of surrounding people, he cattily insinuates the series’ laziness. The “Simpsons” writers proceed to throw shade at obsessive fans such as Comic Book Guy, as Homer asks aloud: “Anybody care what this guy thinks?” The crowd resoundingly replies: “No!”

In the past weeks, some voices in the media have played Comic Book Guy to “Mad Men’s” “The Simpsons.” In a recent episode of “Mad Men,” Joan Holloway referenced eating at New York restaurant Le Cirque. Upon fact checking, people discovered that there was no Le Cirque in 1968 New York. Ostensibly, this quibble seems reasonable; historical authenticity is a vital part of “Mad Men’s” mojo, and to let if fall by the wayside seems a disregard for what the viewers love about the show.

Joan has the Wizard Key, I knew it! 

Childhood Nostalgia: Mmm Donuts. – Eat it, Freeman and Nicholson:

Around the time the Simpsons Movie came out, 7-11 came out with these pink sprinkled donuts, identical to the one from the character. Of course I immediately bought it when it came out and man did I fell in love with it. It wasn’t the best donut I have ever eaten, overload on sugar and frosting and mediocre dough. But the fact that I accomplished a childhood dream (to eat that little pink donut), the taste didn’t really matter to me. Besides that feeling where you eat that little pink donut alongside the POP! Homer Simpsons figurine that has the same little pink donut in his hand, priceless.

Bucket List: Eat a Homer Simpsons donut – CHECK

Your childhood dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?

Dag 097 – Yet more t-shirt. 

Best. Episode. Ever. (Round 25) – In a competition between “Homer the Heretic” and “Lost Our Lisa”, I must respectfully disagree.

7 Pensamentos de Homer Simpson – You know it’s a good joke when you can recognize it even in a foreign language:

5. Lisa, vampiros são faz-de-conta, como elfos, gremlins e esquimós.

♫♫ I don’t care, I love it ♫♫ – Speaking of languages I don’t speak, I have no idea what’s going on here, but there are two ladies painting Homer on a wall.  Cool. 

The Great Gatsby…In 10 Words – And then I saw the lighthouse, and I remembered how you love blinking lights.

Doctor Who Monday: Nightmare in Silver…In 10 Words – Oh, I forgot to, uh, carry the one.

Randy Jackson Leaving American Idol…In 10 Words – I wouldn’t. 

The Office (US)…In 10 Words – Determined or not, that cat is long dead by now.

You’re Wrong about the Worst Draft Pick in Packers History – Excellent usage:

Everyone is feeling pretty good about the prospects picked. We’re in that afterglow period where we can imagine all the good things that our team can do without being pestered by the reality of games played, injuries suffered, potentials not reached.

As Homer Simpson would say, “that Bart is a little miracle … he reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.”

Homer actually says “that Bart of ours”, but close enough.

I lack direction – The show has always provided a roundabout introduction to pop culture:

I also realized that, though I had not really heard of or seen Doctor Who before then, I had glimpsed Doctor Who out of the corner of my eye; I started watching The Simpsons maybe in 2000, or thereabouts, both the new shows on Sundays and the reruns that played in the afternoons, and there was that Halloween episode where the Comic Book Guy turned into a Comic Book Villain, The Collector, and started collecting famous people, including ‘Doctor Who’ or the Fourth Doctor.

Duff Beer | Beer Of The World – Not entirely sure that this is trustworthy, but five percent seems about right:

BEER DETAILS

• Name: Duff Beer
• Brewery: Duff Breweries
• City: Springfield
• Country: USA
• Produced since: 1989
• Style: Pilsener
• ABV: 5%
• Ingredients: water, malted barley, maize, hops

TV – The Top 15 episodes of The Simpsons (Part 2) – An otherwise fine list spoiled by an entry from Season 19. 

PIXIE and PIXIER: Lisa Simpson Girl Gang – A snazzy Lisa hat for the fashionable Simpsons fan.

Homer Simpson Listening to Ned Flanders – An animated .gif of Homer not caring about that rowboat of decorative geraniums. 

The Simpsons/Robot Chicken Couch Gag – In case you missed it, here’s the YouTube.  (It took too long and it was still the best part of the episode.) 

Analog 365 Project Day 133 – Good enough:

I found this giant plastic doughnut my boyfriend has from a Simpson’s game and couldn’t resist taking a goofy self portrait with it.

Everyone loves plastic donuts. 

You Don’t Make Friends with Salad! – Weight loss sucks:

Homer Simpson was right; you don’t make friends with salad.

1-800-COLLECT – I’d forgotten that the show did collect call ads.  Why collect call numbers were ever worth advertising on television I will never know.

When my blog gets foreign visits: – Animated .gif of the shifty eyed dog from “Beyond Blunderdome”.

lenny loves carl – This is a new blog with the fantastic title you see at left.  Also: just one week until Arrested Development! 

The Simpsons Season 7 Review – Yup:

After re-watching The Simpsons Season 7 it made me realise how good the show was and how much it has gone downhill.

My Hero: Lisa Simpson – And finally, I get to end the way I like, with someone who agrees with us.  And besides, who doesn’t love Lisa?:

Now, right off the bat, I have to admit that I haven’t been as much of a Simpson’s fanatic as I was as a child. When I talk about The Simpsons, I’m talking about post-the-three-eyed-crow-opening, the old school Simpsons that had obscure literary references, sexual innuendos and morally thematic episodes. It was in these early years that I first fell in love with Lisa Lionheart, the girl who never backed down from a fight.

Amen.  (Also, lotta good screen grabs and YouTube there.)

“Leonard Nimoy, what are you doing here?” – Bart Simpson
“Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.” – Leonard Nimoy
“Uh-huh.” – Bart Simpson
“Hey, Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?” – Hot Dog Guy
“Surprise me.” – Leonard Nimoy

“You see me as a god, right, Smithers?” – C.M. Burns 
“Absolutely, sir.” – Mr. Smithers
“You’d kneel before me.” – C.M. Burns
“Boy, would I.” – Mr. Smithers
“Yes.” – C.M. Burns

“Tonight on Smartline, the power plant strike: argle-bargle or foofaraw?  With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers.” – Kent Brockman
“I brought my own mike.” – Dr. Joyce Brothers

“My hair!  You chopped off my hair!  Oh, God, I’m ugly!” – Homer Simpson 

• Well, it was certainly nice of the Robot Chicken guys to eat up ninety seconds of screentime with that opening. 
• And it’s a good thing they did, because if this scene with Marge and Skinner is any indication, we’re mostly in for filler here.  Skinner is now playing a guitar he pulled from behind his desk as surely as if it was a rabbit from a hat, and this goes on until well after Marge had left the building.
• Sideshow Mel is now giving Bart music lessons, why?
• And then Frink and Comic Book Guy because . . . oh, the hell with it.
• What’s with the licorice thing?
• “Let’s drink vodka” – Good advice for anyone watching this episode.
• The scene where Bart walks across the playground to deliberately run into the bullies made very little sense, then they topped themselves by having Marge and this Russian guy sitting in her car in her driveway.  Impressive.
• I’m confused by the Russian Makin’ Whoopee montage, though I really shouldn’t be.  It’s 30 seconds long, the entire episode (credits to credits) is only 18:30, so that ate almost 3% of the runtime right there.  And it was only the first of two montages.
• Krusty and Captain McAllister sure had valid reasons for being at that recital we never learned anything about.  Someone in comments pointed out that this one was heavy on people just showing up for no reason, and they were correct.
• Uh, is that going to be the whole Patrick Stewart thing?  [End of episode note: Yes, yes it was.]
• Whoa, Helen Lovejoy really doesn’t sound like herself anymore.
• Hey the Russian guy is back to exposit the end for us.  That was nice of him.
• “It was wrong of me to force my dreams on you”, where did that come from?  Marge made Bart take up music because Skinner suggested it, not because she wanted to be a piano player.  Is it possible that by the end of these they’re phoning it in so badly that no one remembers the beginning?

The incoherence of this episode cannot be overstated, and yet I also cannot use any extreme superlatives because, let’s face it, it’s no more or less incoherent than most episodes these days.  Characters appear out of thin air, stories are dropped for no reason whatsoever, the plots (such as they are) get resolved with single scene twists instead of having anything to do with what came before. 

To take but one example from this episode, here is the entirety of Homer’s plot:

1.  Homer’s last two hairs fall out (note that this has happened before).

2.  Homer goes to the Kwik-E-Mart where he gets atrocious jokes spat at him by Apu, Flanders’ Dad (for some reason), and the Rich Texan.

3. Homer goes to Moe’s where Moe rips off his own hair and gives some to Homer.

4. Homer goes to work where he talks to Patrick Stewart, who tells him being bald is okay.

5. Homer reveals his baldness to Marge, who doesn’t care, which in turn causes his hair to grow back.

That’s it.  That’s the entire story.  Homer doesn’t do anything, he isn’t in any way affected by his brief loss of hair, and then it’s over.  And this was – by far – the most put together of the various goings on here.  It certainly made more sense than the Russian guy learning to drive, or Bart’s story, which started with him wanting to impress his teacher and then abruptly switched gears mid-episode to him being afraid to disappoint Marge. 

Anyway, the ratings are in and they are just as bad as the episode itself.  On Sunday, just 4.05 million viewers wished they had bootleg Russian vodka to make the time go faster.  That dismal total is good for second worst on the all time list.  Next week is the two episode season finale, which appears to be just two random episodes crammed together and not an actual two-parter, though the descriptions FOX has released are so vague and pointless that I really can’t tell.  Oh well, we’ll find out soon enough.

“You have to start putting money back into the school.  You’ve cut back on everything, salaries, supplies, the food!  I don’t care what you say, I can taste the newspaper.” – Mrs. Krabappel
“Bosh, shredded newspapers add much needed roughage and essential inks.  Besides, you didn’t notice the old gym mats.” – Principal Skinner
“There’s very little meat in these gym mats.” – Lunchlady Doris