I am in a relationship with this man for about 6 months and we have really gotten very close. The other day he accidentally sent me a text message that was supposed to be for his baby’s mother but came to me. That wouldn’t be a problem except he never told me that he had kids. I am hurt by the fact that he would hide something. He said he hid it from me because he said if he had told me earlier that he thought I would never have given him a chance or continued to date him. Could he be hiding more. Should that be a deal breaker?

M (Atlanta)

Dear M –

Call me old fashioned but that seems like something that should have been mentioned on the first, second, third or fourth date. The fact that you define it as “being in a relationship” is worse because it sounds like the two of you are exclusive. You say that he felt that you would not have dated him had he told you. That was not his decision to make for you. We can’t decide for others what they are able to handle. He robbed you of that opportunity to make that decision on your own. My question is, after 6 months… how long did he think he had to keep this information from you? I don’t know whether he is holding back any more information and don’t want to jump to the conclusion that he might be. But what I will say is that perhaps he has demonstrated a pattern that he will lack openness with you as long as he feels that you would be objectionable to it. That is not a real good quality to have in a relationhip. Whether it should be a dealbreaker is not my call to make — it’s yours but consider carefully that even if he has not lied about anything else, he has helped to taint the trust that he had developed in you over 6 months and potentially caused you to have that in the back of your mind.

If you have an “Ask David” question and want some Davidism send me an email at davidisms@gmail.com

So I just wrote How To Apologize  and realized people also don’t know how to accept an apology. When a person is apologizing don’t just stand there and take it and walk away. It takes a lot for people to work up the nerve to apologize and when you don’t give an appropriate response it could possibly do further damage to an immature apologizer. (Is that a word?) And it could possibly result in further argument.

How To Accept An Apology:

1. Allow the Person to Apologize: I see lots of times when someone goes to apologize the offended party says, “I don’t want to hear it.” Like I mentioned above, it sometimes takes people a lot of time and courage to apology. When they have worked up the nerve to issue a sincere apology the least you can do is hear it.

2. Drop the idea that they have an ulterior motive: Sometimes the offended party allows their offense to prevent them from hearing an apology objectively. Realize that it’s possible that the offender really understands that they’ve done something wrong. Realize it’s possible that that person wants to bridge the gap and restore peace to the relationship.

3. Give the Person Credit For Apologizing: In the same way that common sense is not so common, apologizing for wrongdoing seems like it should be the norm, but it’s not. Think about it. When was the last time you initiated a sincere apology? How easy was it? Give the person credit for coming to you unforced. They don’t HAVE to apology. Realize that they had a choice not to, but did. Vocally give them credit. There are times when an offense is one-sided, but there are other times when it takes two to tango. You may have done something wrong too, particularly if there was an argument. But if nobody takes a step, then you are still far apart, but even if one person takes a step you are one step closer. And the person took the first step by initiating the apology. Honor that, even if there offense was a big one.

4. Express How You Felt: This is an appropriate time as any to tell the apologizer how their offense made you feel. They are open to hear it now, even when they weren’t open to hear it before. Try to avoid absolute words like “you always” or “you never” because they gender strife. But let them know how it made you feel. Sometimes in a calm forum you will help them understand something about how to relate to you that will help them avoid this offense against you and others in the future.

5. Express How You Feel Now: Perhaps you feel differently after the apology. Let them know how their coming to you made you feel. Maybe you still feel the same way and will need some time to “get over it.” Let them know that. But at least let them know where you stand. Don’t leave them hanging.

6. Forgive Them: Depending on how large the offense, this may be a tough one. But you need to forgive them. For your own sake. You may have to forgive them “by faith” and pray that you can feel real forgiveness later. The problem with unforgiveness is that it ONLY effects YOU. Once they’ve apologized (or not) it is generally off their conscience. Your unforgiveness springs up as bitterness in you, and it’s been proven that unforgiveness can effect your health. I’ve heard it said that “Unforgiveness is like YOU drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.”

7. Restore Them: For a close relationship this is important. Let them know that you and them are ok. (Or for big issues, that you will be ok). Don’t let them pour their guts out in a sincere apology and you give a callous “ok” and move on. It’s your responsibility at this point to restore them. It can be damaging to your relationship to let it simmer for days with no words as if it didn’t happen, particularly for immature people.

For not so close relationships, just say, “No worries” or “no big deal” and move on.

8. Apologize: What? Why is this step in here? Because like I wrote earlier, sometimes it takes two to tango. Acknowledge where you were wrong. If it was a two-sided offense, you need to admit your wrong too. It will speak volumes and will help grow your relationship when it shows that both people are involved in the success of the relationship. It shows the other party that you are not selfish. If it was only a one-sided offense then disregard this step… but you better be honest with yourself whether or not it was truly a one-sided offense.

There’s a running joke on the show, Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry David has to apologize to someone for something stupid that he’s done. His wife yells, “You’re going to have to apologize Larry!” to which he replies that he is always apologizing and is an expert. I feel like that sometimes. I do a lot of apologizing. Not the annoying kind though that reeks of insincerity. I worked with a guy who constantly apologized. “Oh, I’m sorry to interrupt you,” and “Sorry David, can I borrow a pencil? I’m so sorry to ask you that” ad nauseum. But I do apologize whenever it’s appropriate and it’s often appropriate to when you’ve wrong someone. It’s better to apologize rather than to let things linger.

There is a famous Welsh revivalist in the early 1900s who would like to ask people, “When was the last time you apologized?” He believed that if the last apology was a long time ago that something must be wrong because it is inconceivable that a person could live a very long period of time without offending someone. More than that he felt that it’s worse (and sometimes more likely) that people get into the habit of offending others without being conscious of it, thus proving sometthing is wrong with your conscience. Perhaps if you fall into that category you are void of sensitivity.

I tend to agree with Evan Roberts. Any time I have an argument, say curt words, or step out of good character towards a person I get a bit convicted over it inside and feel the need to apologize. And I do. Even when it’s uncomfortable to do so. And it usually is, which is probably why people fail to do.

So how to apologize:

1. Realize you have offended someone and own your wrongdoing: This is probably the biggest part of apologizing. It will take some real mind renewal and self-honesty. You have to get into the habit of putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. People don’t get upset with you for no reason. If you find yourself in an argument and you believe that you are right, you may be still wrong in some area otherwise you wouldn’t be arguing. Find out what part you played in being wrong even if it’s just saying for example “When we were arguing, I shouldn’t have said that I can’t stand the sound of your voice, that had nothing to do with what we were talking about and I know that may have set you off.”

Sometimes your offending someone does not lead to an argument. This is where general sensitivity and concern for others comes into play. Be aware of your motives. If you have done something wrong towards a person or said something hurtful that you should not have said, you need to recognize that and apologize. The fact that you recognize it and own your part will go a long way with the person.

2. Say What You Did:  Don’t just come out and say “Look, I’m sorry” and be done. Even if it seems obvious why you are apologizing, say exactly what you are apologizing about. That is why step 1 above is important. Otherwise it seems like a superficial apology and nobody likes to be pacified.

3. Explain Why You Did It Or Say It: This is where self-honesty comes in. If you were in the heat of an argument and you made a statement for the whole purpose of pushing a person’s button, then say that. Or if you said or did what you did based on some sort of misunderstanding on your part, then let the person know your thought process and how it probably led to the offense. Sometimes it’s an ugly truth. It might lead to deeper and hurtful discussion, but the honesty and transparency will help smooth the problem over. It shows that you judged what you did as wrong.

4. Say I’m sorry: Don’t forget to actually apologize

5. Allow the Person to Vent if They Need To: You hurt them. They may want an opportunity to let you know how what you did made them feel. Don’t let this cause another argument. Be understanding. If it were you in their shoes you may also want a chance to vent. Remember, when you offended them they may not have gotten a chance.

6. Don’t Expect Them To Always Welcome You Back With Open Arms: Sometimes when we offend it is one-sided, often times it is two sided. When it’s two-sided, don’t expect an apology from them just because they apologized to them. Although I feel when it’s a two sided offense (like an argument) when one person comes clean it’s a perfect time for the other person to clear the air as well, often times that’s just not going to happen. Sometimes that person just didn’t take the time to consider their own wrongdoing in the situation. So don’t expect it. Disappointment is what happens when you expect what you don’t have a right to expect and the expectation is not fulfilled. You may pour your guts out in the apology and they may just say, “Ok.” Don’t let it derail you. You have cleared your conscience. And salvaged the relationship.

(Also know that if your offense was egregrious, don’t expect to be welcomed back with open arms – at least not right away. Just take comfort in the fact that you did the right thing and can sleep at night.)

Now, when was the last time you apologized?