Fortunately, money is just the most often preferred means to an end. There are so many ways to show them that they are important. Here are a few ways to make this special day and a significant other feel important.

• The Fancy Dinner: Restaurants can be hotspots of turmoil and chaos during Valentine’s Day. Emotions run high, and not everyone there is happy. This doesn’t even consider the fact that every single remotely romantic restaurant is packed to the brim. Lovers who find their wallets tight or reservations beyond them should simply throw a fancy dinner right in their own home. Those who cannot cook can purchase fancy take home meals from the grocery.
• Gift Customization: Those who cannot afford expensive adornments may instead elect to go for something a little more heart-warming. You can give your partner a pendant with a picture of both of you inside. This gift can last him for years, if not forever. If pendants are not his thing, you can always customize a watch or similar item.
• The Handmade Gift: This gift varies, depending on the talents of the person involved. If you are a skilled artist, you can paint or make a picture of the two of you. If you’re particularly good, a stunning portrait of him will do as well. If you can knit, you can give him a scarf. This scarf will keep him warm during cold nights and remind him of you. Even those who lack artistic flair can follow a simple cake recipe. It is truly the thought that counts, though it is always better to give something of good quality. Go with what you are good at and the ideas will come rushing.
• Thanks for the Memories: A memory box may seem cheesy, but it can be made into a memorable gift. This box is something that will mean more the longer the relationship has lasted, but is also something that is best introduced at the beginning of one. A memory box is where couples can keep mementos of moments they had shared, from ticket stubs, to petals from the first rose he ever gave her.

These gifts are nice, but time is the best gift a loved one can receive – time spent on gifts and time spent with each other. Those who are available on not just Valentine’s Day, but on days important to their significant others will make them feel like they matter.

It is also important to remember that these gestures are not limited to Valentine’s Day. They can be done any day of any year. There is no reason not to make every day Valentine’s Day.

Related posts

• February 9, 2011 -- Valentine’s Day – Love it or Hate it?
• December 8, 2007 -- Holiday Inspired Ideas for that First Date
• November 2, 2007 -- Want to Plan the Perfect Fall Date?
• September 19, 2007 -- First Date Ideas for Fall
• June 9, 2007 -- Online Dating for Beginners
• September 14, 2006 -- Taking the Pressure Off the First Date
• January 2, 2012 -- 7 Go-To Excuses for Canceling a Date with a Guy

Just because you are getting older doesn’t mean that your husband will leave you for a younger woman, but it does happen sometimes. There are usually contributing factors when a man leaves his wife of many years for a younger woman. It is rarely about age only. After all, he is getting older too.

What makes men start looking at younger women?
Of course, younger women have a physical appeal that attracts men, but men are usually seeking attention. Men have a need for attention and like to be admired. The need for attention can be stronger as men become older. Women shower their husbands with attention, affection and admiration when the relationships are new. Couples fall into a comfort zone as they grow older together. Sometimes people become too comfortable with each other and take each other for granted.

Women may not shower their husbands with as much attention as they once did and men long for the days of affection and excitement. A man may look for attention elsewhere if his wife takes him for granted for too long. Younger women are often attracted to older men for stability and security. Older men are flattered by the attention lavished on them by younger women.

A marriage that’s fallen into a rut…
Men may also complain that after being married for so many years that their wives do not take care of themselves anymore. Women may stop fixing their hair or putting on makeup. A man may complain that his wife has put on weight and walks around in her bathrobe all day. He may say that she does not wear attractive or sexy clothes anymore. An older woman may have a decreased sex drive and her husband feels neglected by her lack of sexual desire. A man may think that his wife is no longer interested in him if she stops caring for her appearance and becomes distant.

There are several ways a man can nudge his wife into taking better care of her appearance. He can suggest that they go out on a date. She will then need to fix her hair, wear something nice and apply makeup. The husband can even take her shopping for a new outfit. The husband can suggest activities such as hiking, bicycling, swimming or nature walks to lose weight and become more physically fit. He could even suggest taking a class together such as dance, yoga or aerobics. The wife may be prompted to take more interest in her husband and herself if the husband puts forth extra effort. More romance and attention can also fuel the sexual flame.

Regaining his attention
A woman that notices her husband taking interest in a younger woman will need to put forth the effort to re-gain his attention. She can remind him how much she loves him. She can spend more time with him and encourage him to participate in activities that he enjoys. She should take care of her appearance and dress attractively so that her husband will take notice of her.

An overweight woman should embark on a healthy diet and exercise routine after consulting her physician. She should make her husband aware of the steps she is taking to lose weight and get him involved by asking him to participate. He can help coach her to reach her goals by providing her with positive reinforcement.

The wife can let her husband know how much she needs him and how helpful he has been. Helping each other can bring them closer together. They can have fun together and spark their relationship on all levels. The husband may then realize he doesn’t need a younger woman to make him feel admired and needed. He just needed his wife to step out of her comfort zone and love him like she once did.

Related posts

• October 13, 2011 -- How to get your ex back
• March 24, 2011 -- Remaining Friends After a Breakup
• June 4, 2009 -- You’re Just Not Feeling It – Now What?
• March 28, 2009 -- Fire Your Significant Other
• October 4, 2008 -- Is Breaking Up Really Hard to Do?
• June 3, 2008 -- You Aren’t Going to Fail When You Commit
• November 30, 2011 -- After the Affair – How to Move On

Guys are interested in a girl who is fun, exciting, exotic, and most importantly, NOT CLINGY. This seems impossible at times—girls need a lot of attention!—but with these three tips, you are sure to have your cake and eat it too. You’ll come off as sexy and aloof, and he’ll be so intrigued that he’ll be calling and texting you nonstop for a second date!

The first tip is a golden rule that every girl should follow on a first date; try to keep from talking about your self too much! It’s a proven fact that humans love to talk about themselves, so try asking him some interesting questions about himself! If you ask questions that allow him not only to talk, but to brag a little about his strengths and talents, he’ll start to feel confident and masculine around you and have no idea why! When you do talk about yourself, try to keep the conversation fun.

Don’t talk about all the girls you hate and the ten reasons why you hate each one—or your best friend and all of her drama—guys aren’t interested, and drama scares them away! So keep it cool, ask him questions, and answer his with poise and a little sass!

The second tip is the easiest one to understand, but the hardest one to follow; after your first date goes well, ignore him! Okay, don’t ignore him per se, but do try to let him be the one to contact you first. Think about it; how do you feel when a guy doesn’t call you back right away? Even if the first date was awful, he suddenly starts to be all you can think about!

Well it’s time to turn the tables and make him crave that next text from you! If you two hit it off, keep in mind it’s important to take a few extra minutes to text or call back every once in a while. It’s amazing just how much of an effect this one simple trick can have on a guy. There’s a certain mystique about a girl who isn’t constantly fawning all over you!

The third tip is fun and sexy; try to add a little sex appeal to every interaction! Use these little tricks to keep him itching to see you again. On a first date, instead of wearing a skin-tight dress, or a super form-fitting blouse, wear an off-the-shoulder shirt that shows off your neckline, collar bones and a flirty peek of bra strap. Let it slip out every once in a while, and then fix it like you’re hoping he didn’t notice. Then, add a little eye contact after your wardrobe adjustment, and immediately look away and laugh when he catches your eye as though a little embarrassed.

This sequence of events is like a magic spell that works on every guy you’ll meet. It may seem silly and goofy, but if you really want him to see you as that sexy girl-next-door once-in-a-lifetime catch, try it out! Sporadic use of flirty eye contact is always a game-winning move, so don’t be shy!

When it comes to setting yourself apart from all of the other girls out there, these three tips can be your secret weapons to win over Prince Charming. Use these on your

Related posts

• August 28, 2006 -- When You Want to Meet the RIGHT Guy
• October 13, 2011 -- Title: 10 Signs that She is Attracted to You
• March 8, 2011 -- Does “Instant Attraction” Break New Ground?
• November 22, 2006 -- How to be Confident
• December 20, 2011 -- 5 Reasons Women Aren’t Impressed with Your Online Dating Profile
• November 10, 2011 -- Getting Dates Via Instant Messaging (IM)
• November 10, 2011 -- Three Easy and Inexpensive Ways to Get a Man to Notice You

1. Give no excuse. Just ask to reschedule nicely.
No guy likes to have an anticipated date canceled, especially not last minute. Sometimes, it is effective to remain mysterious and stingy on the details, leaving him curious about your reason for ditching him. Is there someone else? Did you change your mind about him? Do you have something more important that you’d rather be doing with your time?

2. Tell him you accidentally double-booked.
While men do not like women who play games, they are competitive by nature. If you tell him that you said yes to the date without checking your schedule, it will make you a hot commodity. Canceling your date will let him know that there is competition for your attention. It does not matter whether it is from a good friend or a love interest.

3. You don’t own a cell phone, your watch’s battery died, and you had no idea what time it was. Rain check!
Most people own cell phones, so when a woman claims to not have one, it will intrigue her prospective love interest and cause him to take a double take on the woman who he would like to date—in a good way. She will seem different, and he will start to wonder about her hobbies, likes and dislikes. For example, does she read hardcover books vs. kindle-formatted books? Also, how many women still wear watches?

4. One of your friends just went into labor!
There’s no way a guy can get mad about your friend going into labor. Babies trump dates. Just never tell him your friend’s name because he might bring it up later in conversation. For the best results, keep this excuse short and sweet. After all, you have a hospital to get to pronto!

5. Your grandma is sick, and you have to stay in with her for the night.
Blame it on your grandmother’s health. There’s not much he has say about your grandma without coming off as a total jerk. He can’t insist that you blow her off or try to bargain with you. Just make sure that your grandmother lives locally to cover all of your bases in the future.

6. You have a work deadline that you overlooked in your calendar, and it needs to get done as soon as possible!
Be the ambitious career woman who puts herself first before any man. This attitude may sound conceited and self-absorbed, but men really dig confident women who know what they want. This little setback will only make a man want you more.

7. You’re really sick and don’t look or feel your best for a date.
Avoid putting on your “work call-out” sick voice with the extra cough to seal the deal. A fake sick voice will only make the situation more dramatic than it needs to be. Keep your voice low and just tell him that you are feeling under the weather. Say that you were looking forward to getting to know him more, but hopefully you guys can still do that another night. If he asks you what is wrong, tell him that you have a touch of the flu and refrain from going into details.

Canceling a date can be tricky. There is no right way to cancel. The only guide that you have is your desired outcome. If you don’t care to speak to the person again, you obviously don’t have to pay too much attention to what you will say to him. If you would like reschedule the date, extra measures have to take place. Whatever you do, always say it with a smile. Put a smiley face via text messaging, and most men will be less reluctant to blow you off for the next woman.

Related posts

• February 10, 2012 -- Love on a Budget: Four Valentine’s Day Ideas
• August 10, 2011 -- Don’t be This Gal if You Want a Second Date
• October 17, 2010 -- Aiming for a Second Date
• December 8, 2007 -- Holiday Inspired Ideas for that First Date
• November 2, 2007 -- Want to Plan the Perfect Fall Date?
• September 19, 2007 -- First Date Ideas for Fall
• August 14, 2007 -- YouDate?

This type of person feels they must control everyone and every situation in order to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy. Relationships with controllers become stagnant because they cannot grow when one person seeks to dominate the other. There are several red flags that will indicate a relationship with a controller. Most controllers will not display these warning signs at first for fear that the relationship will end immediately but as soon as they feel they’ve reeled in their catch, the warning signs will begin to appear. Look for the warning signals.

Shallow Emotions
Controllers have very shallow emotions. They can attach and detach with amazing speed. They show very little remorse following a breakup, divorce or even the death of a spouse and can become involved in another relationship very quickly. They may find another romantic interest in as little as a couple of weeks or even days. They often display shallow emotions toward their loved ones, such as parents and even children.

Once a controller sets her sights on a love interest, she moves in quickly. She may outwardly declare her love and start talking about marriage in as little as 2 to 4 weeks of dating. Soon, she may announce that she is pregnant. Male controllers act in much the same way, usually proposing marriage soon after the start of the relationship.

Self-Centered
Controllers are very self-centered individuals that have a “me” mentality. A controller wants all of the attention to be focused on her. She has to be the center of her partner’s universe and she perceives anyone as a threat that may divert the partner’s attention away from her. The controller resents the time her partner spends with his children, family or friends and will try to control that aspect of his life.

Controllers have little regard for the concerns of others, focusing almost exclusively on their own needs. They often appear to act as though they are deeply concerned about others, displaying actions such as calling friends to ask how they are feeling, but in reality their behavior is only a mask to hide their own self-centered concerns.

Entitlement
Controllers have an enormous sense of entitlement. They believe that they have a right to be the center of attention. They feel they deserve respect, power or acknowledgement. They feel that they have the right to do whatever they want to do and that others should meet their demands. If their desires or demands aren’t met, they often react by creating a scene or punishing their partner with the “silent treatment.” Their behavior can be compared to a child that has a temper tantrum because he doesn’t get his way.

Isolation
A controller may fear that her partner’s friends and family will detect their controlling behavior and reveal her true intentions to her partner. In order to prevent this, she will attempt to isolate him from his friends and family. Controllers are natural manipulators and they will use manipulation tactics in order to exert control. The two most common manipulation tactics that controllers use are to make grandiose promises or threats.

They have a strong need to be in control and if they feel they are losing control they become threatened. They will try to get their partner to become angry at friends or family in order to create a rift and keep the partner isolated. The controller may tell the partner that friends or family are jealous of him or using him. A controller may go as far as telling her partner that his friend made a pass at her to get the friend out of the partner’s life. Controllers will also get angry if the partner’s friends or family come to visit.

A controller will try to prevent her partner from participating in outside activities. She will attempt to persuade her partner to abandon all hobbies and interests that she can’t have total control over. If her partner does participate in any activity, she will insist on accompanying him. A controller will even insist on taking the children along, knowing that her partner will have to focus his attention on her and the family, thereby preventing him from completely enjoying the activity. If the controller cannot prevent her partner’s participation in outdoor interests, she makes sure that she is present, so that she still has some degree of control.

Interrogation
People who are controllers would make excellent interrogators because they question their partners as if they had committed a crime. A controller will question her partner incessantly. She will want to know his whereabouts, who he talked to, what he did and all the details. A controller will call her partner several times a day, even when he is at work. If he doesn’t answer his phone right away, she will interrogate him.

Controllers often like money because they are self-centered but they also resent the amount of time their partners spend at work. Controllers have paranoid tendencies and will look through phones, wallets and other personal items for evidence of cheating. A controller may even go as far as following her partner around, spying on or stalking him.

Physical Abuse
Although most controllers exert control by using emotional abuse, some also use physical abuse. Both male and female controllers may hit, kick, slap, punch or otherwise physically abuse their partners. A controller may also display violent behavior by breaking items or destroying property to intimidate the partner.

Blame
Controllers love to play the blame game. They always blame the partners for everything that goes wrong in the relationship or more accurately, when they don’t get their way. When the controller doesn’t get her way, she becomes verbally abusive and tries to destroy what is left of her partner’s self-esteem. Then suddenly her personality will become sweet and docile. She will say she’s sorry, although she doesn’t really mean it and start making promises she doesn’t intent to keep. The next time she doesn’t get her way, the cycle of blame will begin again.

Know-it-All
Controllers are often know-it-all personality types. A controller will correct her partner all the time, in effect like she is disciplining a child. She sees herself as superior to her partner and others. She may insult his speech, dress or other behavior. Controllers act self-confident even though they have very low levels of self-esteem and often berate their partners in front of other people. They also tend to be arrogant and quick to make sarcastic remarks. The partner often feels as though he is walking on eggshells for fear of interrogation or never being able to do enough for his controlling partner.

Listen to Family and Friends
People are often blinded by their relationships and don’t always see the truth. People close to the partner of a controller are often able to see through the manipulative behavior. If the majority of the partner’s family and friends do not like the controller, it may be wise to listen. While it is always true that there will be people that don’t like others, in the case of a controller type relationship, family and friends are usually right. It is definitely wise to listen to what other people say regarding the controller and take it into consideration.

Fear of a Break-Up
If the partner has finally had enough and decides to get out of the relationship, the controller will panic and try a multitude of tactics to keep the partner from leaving. They will go to extreme lengths to stay in control of the relationship. A controller may beg, plead, cry or threaten the partner to make him stay. She will promise to change and may even threaten to commit suicide if he leaves.

If the partner does manage to escape from the controller, he should keep his distance and not return to the relationship. Once a person has left a controller, if he returns, the controller will make it even more difficult for him to leave again. Once a person has left a controller partner, she will call repeatedly and may even call the ex-partner’s friends and family members, begging them to tell the ex-partner to come back to her. She may send the ex-partner gifts or even show up at his workplace and cause a scene, begging him to come back.

Escaping the grasp of a controller personality type can be extremely difficult and stressful. In some cases, it may even be necessary to get a restraining order against the person. People with a controlling personality need professional assistance and should seek the help of a qualified therapist.

Resources and further reading:
Stanford.edu
MentalHealthMatters.com
Way2Hope.org

Related posts

• November 30, 2011 -- How to leave a failing marriage
• August 3, 2011 -- How to Know When You’re Dating a Loser (And Possible Abuser)
• July 12, 2011 -- Massachusetts Teen Victim of Dating Violence
• March 24, 2011 -- Are You Trapped in a Possessive Relationship?
• March 24, 2011 -- Remaining Friends After a Breakup
• October 26, 2008 -- The Truth about Dating Violence
• December 11, 2006 -- Dump or be dumped

Online dating scammers (or predators) are highly adept at manipulating others. They are so practiced in their craft that the red flags to their behavior are typically only realized after someone’s heart (or pocketbook) has been broken. To keep from becoming a statistic in the online dating scene, watch for these common indicators:

Red flag #1: A life story that is larger than life itself

Scammers can’t work their magic without first drawing in a victim. Therefore, their life story is often a feel good tale of rags to riches, jet-setting, charity and privilege. Or, he or she may be the underdog fighting for some good cause. Whatever the case, dating scammers portray themselves as doing the incredible all while maintaining a seemingly modest and approachable disposition.

Red flag #2: The wonderful life tinged with tragedy
Just like the rising action of a well-laid plot, there will likely be a parent, a sibling or grandparent struck down by a rare illness or sudden accident. If not this, it will be something to pull at the heartstrings of their victim. At this point, the financial scammer may begin sniffing around for money. Conversely, the emotional scammer is simply looking to feed on sympathy.

Red flag #3: Communication is erratic
Once the trap is laid, the predator will subtly arrange it so that he or she does all the contacting. This contact comes only between certain hours, certain days of the week or a combination thereof. During these times, he or she may talk in hushed tones or end phone calls abruptly. There may even be long spans without communication.

One of the biggest red flags of an online dating scammer is someone who claims to travel extensively or make trips ‘out of the country’ for extended periods of time. The scammer may claim to be stranded in a remote African country, and require your assistance to get home. African countries are the source of numerous dating scams; be especially wary of Nigeria, Senegal, Ghana, and the Ivory Coast.

Red flag#4: An online relationship that feels meant to be — until it’s time to meet

An online dating scammer will make any excuse he or she can to not meet in person. Or, he or she will agree to meet but cancel or consistently put off plans at the last minute. This will be weaved with heartrending excuses, promises to meet at a later date or more ‘tragedies’ in order to distract a victim from questioning the predator’s motives.

Red flag #5: An online relationship that is one-sided and all give

A relationship with an online dating predator is not only financially or emotionally draining, it never goes anywhere. After a while, the victim begins to notice that everything revolves totally around the person on the other end. When the jig is finally up, the scammer will likely disappear without a trace and move on to the next victim.

What to do in the case of a suspected online dating scammer:

Cut all communication immediately. Do not answer emails and, if necessary, change phone numbers. Expect further attempts at manipulation via sob stories, emotional blackmail or even new and sudden “misfortunes”. Do not be drawn back in to the trap. Be prepared to document any behavior that suddenly becomes abusive or threatening and report it immediately to the online dating site hosting the scammer’s profile and/or the police.

Practice online dating safety. Just because an online dating site implements identity confirmation procedures or background checks, do not toss personal accountability aside. For the dating scammer, a victim is nothing more than someone who aids in keeping the con alive. It is therefore imperative to establish firm emotional boundaries when choosing to meet and date people online.

Do not feel stupid. Getting financially or emotionally scammed by an online dating predator has nothing to do with one’s intelligence. Even the most astute individual can be drawn in by a skilled con artist. What matters most is learning from the experience and maintaining control of one’s online dating experience at all times.

Related posts

• May 6, 2010 -- Protect Your Identity While Dating Online
• March 16, 2010 -- Re-Billing Gets Rejected… An End to Auto-Renewals?
• March 8, 2007 -- Should Online Dating Be Controlled by the Government?
• October 10, 2010 -- Are You Who You Say You Are?
• April 16, 2010 -- Maryland Targets Unfair Pricing Schemes
• December 13, 2009 -- Watch Out For Online Dating Scams
• September 29, 2009 -- Singles App For iPhone

Online dating is an increasingly popular way for eligible men to meet interesting woman, but, unfortunately, this avenue isn’t immune to the snap judgments and superficial filters commonplace in conventional dating. In fact, because dating sites allow women to effortlessly search, block, and favorite potential mates, creating the illusion of a never ending supply of suitors, guys must be especially careful when crafting their online dating personas to avoid immediate dismissal. Here are some top reasons why your profile might have women quickly fumbling for the back button.

1 – You sound unbelievable full of yourself

Resist the urge to treat your profile like a diary/resume, as you risk appearing painfully self-obsessed. Yes, we want to know more about you, but your 2,000 word essay detailing your ten year ascension into your perfect job just makes you sound pompous and self-aggrandizing. Instead, opt for more generalized language, like ‘successful financial planner,’ or ‘very happy with my job.’ This brings home the point, while still piquing our interests.

2 – Your picture is kind of creepy

Online dating has the distinct advantage of giving users full control of first impressions, making it almost inexcusable to display strange or unflattering pictures. Avoid pictures that were taken from an awkwardly low angle, that include your shower curtain as the backdrop, or that feature you in a fedora. Forgo the hard, aloof expressions best suited for male models, using instead pictures that showcase a warm, genuine smile. Try pictures from a night out with friends or from your best friend’s wedding, as you will likely exude personality and confidence. Just remember to crop, particularly if your buddy is slightly more attractive. And if you like to include body shots, please adhere to a 2:1 ratio of clothed to shirtless photos.

3 – You create unreasonably high expectations

Even a beautiful, confident woman may be taken aback by a laundry list of partner requirements, particularly if they’re mostly superficial. Instead, politely mention deal breakers, such as smoking or having nine cats, while describing a few of your preferences using welcoming language. (“Although, I appreciate women of all shapes, I find myself often attracted to curvy women.”) Refrain from posting any pictures with a svelte, devastating hot friend or ex-girlfriend, as this just invites women to see how they stack up. And, under no circumstances, mention by name any models or actresses who you think are the ‘ideal woman.’ Not only is it exceedingly unlikely you’ll woo her carbon copy, but you run the risk of sending away an attractive women with feelings of inadequacy.

4 -You sound stupid

Yes, you list your occupation as a civil engineer, but your grammar and syntax are deplorable. Is it fair to conclude that you’re unintelligent because you failed to use the past perfect tense while describing your recent vacation? No, but without the benefit of conversation or nonverbal cues, we are forced to use something to gauge your intelligence. So turn off caps lock, spell out any text shorthand, and take ten minutes to copy and paste text into a word processing document for spelling and grammar help. This way we can focus on what a great guy you are, not your inadequate use of punctuation.

5. You sound like you’re looking for sex

If you are actually looking exclusively for casual sex, feel free to skip this one. But for those men who are looking for something more, please be aware that certain words and phrases, such as ‘healthy sex drive’ or ‘enjoys being physical,’ send the message that a shallow, physical relationship is your main objective. Either you will attract women who seek that particular type of relationship or repel the ones who do not. Rest assured that any woman reading your profile assumes you like sex, so don’t feel compelled to needlessly reference your carnal desires. Instead, use that space to describe your most enduring personality characteristics that would make us swoon at the chance to be with you emotionally and sexually.

Remember that the real key to online dating is capturing a woman’s interest enough to set up an offline meeting. With some thoughtful editing and mindfulness to presentation, you can increase your chances of finding a wonderful mate.

Related posts

• January 26, 2012 -- How To Get the Boys Falling At Your Feet
• April 19, 2011 -- Mapping Out a Date
• March 22, 2011 -- Online Dating Profile: What Not to Include – Men Seeking Women
• October 10, 2010 -- Are You Who You Say You Are?
• April 22, 2009 -- Are You Off the Online Market?
• March 2, 2009 -- Upping the Odds With More Online Dating Profiles
• February 20, 2008 -- Does Your Car Actually Matter?

Your Initial Reaction
Your initial reaction might be one of disbelief or even, perhaps, resignation. You might be so angry that you‘ll do or say something you‘ll regret. It‘s possible you‘ll be engulfed in sadness which will lead you into a state of depression. It could be none of these or a combination of these. It could be something else entirely. Everyone reacts to and deals with infidelity differently and none of these reactions are wrong.

Once the initial shock, anger and sadness have subsided, you’ll have to make a decision as to whether or not your marriage can survive. Essentially, you have two options. You’ll either decide to stay together or you’ll decide to end your marriage.

Deciding to Stick it Out
If you decide to work it out, there are a number of steps you and your spouse must take in order to get through the situation and salvage your marriage.

The first and most important event that must happen is for your spouse to end all contact with the other man or woman in their life. There can be absolutely no negotiation regarding this issue. In the unfortunate and tricky event that your spouse was cheating with a co-worker , it goes without saying that your spouse will have to find another job immediately. You cannot move ahead in your marriage knowing that your spouse will see his or her ex on a daily basis at work. Even though the job market is tough right now, you’ll never be able to build any sort of trust again if the two of them continue to see one another. Of course, the same principle applies in any other area where your spouse and the ex are bound to have routine contact.

Once all contact ends, both you and your spouse need to attend marriage counseling. It’s important to find a counselor that you both feel comfortable talking with about extremely personal issues. It may take multiple visits to multiple practitioners to find the right match for both of you. One positive aspect of marriage counseling is that a counselor can often open up lines of communication that have been long gone or were never there to begin with. Unfortunately, a lack of communication in your marriage can often lead to feelings of isolation, resulting in infidelity. It’s exceptionally important that you feel comfortable talking to your spouse and they feel comfortable talking to you. A counselor can help greatly in this area and can often recommend tools and techniques for improving those verbal, and nonverbal, lines of communication.

Moving Beyond the Lack of Trust
You’ll also need to be extremely realistic in dealing with one another. You will not get over an affair right away, and if your spouse expects you to, you will continue to have issues. The lack of trust will overwhelm you and cause you to question everything your spouse is doing, everyone your spouse is talking to and every minute your spouse is not with you. No matter how hard you try, this lack of trust is inevitable. Although it won’t be an easy task, your spouse has to rebuild the trust that was lost overnight. It could take years for that to happen, so you both have to be committed to rebuilding the relationship.

Establish “date-night”. Though it might seem cliché, having a set time for you and your spouse to spend time with one another alone, talking, laughing and enjoying one another, it can be one of best gifts you give yourselves as a couple. The responsibilities associated with marriage, parenting and life in general bring with them massive amounts of stress; yet another factor in the evolution of infidelity.

The simple fact is that your relationship will never be the same again, but perhaps that’s not a bad thing. Maybe it was never great to begin with and it can improve through the trials and tribulations you’re currently facing.

When Separation is the Only Option
You might find that you’re simply unable to move ahead with your marriage. In that particular case, you and your partner will need to make extremely difficult decisions regarding how to move forward individually. This can become even more stressful when there are children involved.

No matter what, don’t have discussions or arguments in front of your children. It’s not fair to them and will do nothing but hurt them in the long run. What’s happening in your marriage is between you and your spouse and children don’t need to hear the sordid details. Once you’ve reached a decision regarding divorce, both of you should sit down and talk with your children together. If your kids can see a united front when it comes to them, it will help them heal and move forward. In addition, your kids will see right from the get-go that they won’t be able to manipulate you and use you against each other with the popular mom-said-this, dad-said this game.

You’ll want to find a good divorce attorney, but keep in mind that the more cordial you can be with your spouse, the better it will be for everyone in the long run. If possible, sit down with your spouse and discuss options. Make a list of your wants and needs and have your spouse do the same. Then, do your best to combine those lists into one acceptable agreement. You will both have to make concessions, but it’s much easier to divide the marital assets if you go in knowing that neither of you will get everything you want.

The Healing Process
Once your divorce is final, give yourself time to heal. Dating will not be easy for a while, so it might be best to concentrate on yourself and your children. Take up a new hobby, follow that dream you put aside when you first got married and take a lot of time to get to know yourself as a single person. Once you’ve taken those steps, you will find it a lot easier to move forward with your life.

There is no right or wrong answer regarding the path to take after infidelity. Be realistic and honest with yourself and your spouse. Ultimately, it’s simply a choice of what you can or can’t forgive.

Related posts

• March 24, 2011 -- How to Forgive Your Spouse After Infidelity
• March 24, 2011 -- Possible Causes of Sexual Infidelity in a Relationship
• October 14, 2008 -- Online Cheating and You
• August 23, 2008 -- Summer Romance Anyone?
• November 24, 2007 -- How To Deal With A Cheating Partner
• September 1, 2006 -- Signs of an Affair Can Be Tricky
• September 7, 2011 -- Is Cheating Learned Behavior?

Abusive Relationships

Step 1: Plan where you and your children, if you have any, will live. If you are in a relationship where there’s been physical violence, you and your children’s safety should be your most important consideration, and will be a major determining factor in your plan. If you are a woman, find out if there is a battered women’s shelter you can use as a temporary place to stay. Do not tell your spouse when you are going or where you have gone until you know you are safe — but do tell him so he doesn’t assume you have kidnapped the children and then try to take legal action against you. If you stay with friends or family, ask them not to disclose where you are until you have told your spouse.

Step 2: Set aside enough money to set yourself and the kids up in a new place, if possible. The more money you have, the more power you will have. Get a bank account and credit card in your own name that your spouse can’t access. This will require as much advance planning as possible. You will have to consider rent (including moving-in costs), utilities, food, car or travel expenses and clothing at the bare minimum. You will also have to have enough money to retain an attorney as soon as possible.

Step 3: Consult an attorney before you leave, if possible, and follow his recommendations. Be honest about your situation and disclose the abuse. People in abusive relationships are often in denial about the seriousness of the situation and consciously or unconsciously defend their partners. This is the time to shake off any denial and be emotionally honest with yourself. Ask your attorney if he believes a restraining order is appropriate and obtain it.

Step 4: Gather together your most important belongings–medications, documents, clothing, personal items, your children’s things and other personal things you don’t want to leave behind. Remember the title to your car, birth certificates, bank and credit card statements, unpaid bills, diplomas, and professional licenses. You may not be able to go back to your old house, so be thorough.

Step 5: Get a cell phone if you don’t have one. If you have a cell phone, get a separate account and change the number, or get a pre-paid phone. Ensure your spouse doesn’t get the number until things settle down and you and the children are safe.

Step 6: Get a post office box to minimize the chance of your mail getting lost, and your spouse getting your new address. File a forwarding address with the post office.

Step 7: Seek support through a group or individual counseling. Abusive relationships take their toll on self-esteem and can lead to depression and other mental health issues. Counseling or therapy can help you learn to take care of yourself and empower you to learn to have healthy relationships. This is as important for men as it is for women–abusive relationships aren’t exclusive to women.

Non-abusive Relationships

Step 1: Make a plan to move out. If your relationship is not abusive, there will be fewer things to worry about, like getting a restraining order or seeking shelter in a public facility. You will need to budget how much money you will need for a new place to live, including moving costs, monthly living expenses, and attorney’s fees. If you and your spouse agree that a divorce is the best option, your process will be much easier and you may be able to come up with a plan together. If you are not employed, or are only employed part-time, wait until you are more financially self-sufficient so you won’t have to rely entirely on your spouse for support.

Step 2: Inform your spouse that you are leaving. Have a discussion that will do as little emotional damage to everybody as possible. Be frank about your feelings by stating that you don’t feel the marriage can be saved. Take responsibility for your own feelings without laying blame on your spouse. State that you want to be as cooperative as possible through the divorce process. Be firm about your decision and don’t allow yourself to be talked out of it. Have an overnight bag packed with enough things for a few days away in the event the discussion becomes heated, and until you can go back and pack everything you need for a permanent move-out. Leave with as much kindness as possible, and if you think you can stay friends with your spouse, say that.

Step 3: Consult an attorney as soon as you are certain that you want a divorce to determine where you stand legally. If there are children, custody and visitation rights will have to be arranged. If there are substantial assets, they will have to be divided according to state law, or according to any prenuptial agreement. Divorce laws don’t always seem fair (for example, a husband may be required to pay spousal support even when a spouse refused to work during a marriage) so be aware of what kind of battle you will be up against. If leaving the marriage is your idea, your spouse will likely take it as a rejection and may react severely by using the law against you.

Step 4: Make a plan for your children. If you can, discuss with your spouse who the children will live with and how you will tell them. If not, discuss it with the children yourself. Be frank without giving them too many details, and let them know that it’s not their fault. Tell them that mommy and daddy can’t be happy together anymore, that life will be better if they live separately, and don’t lay blame on anyone. Children often take responsibility for the breakup of their parents’ marriage. Reassure them that they are loved and that the divorce will be the best for them in the long run.

Step 5: Get emotional support by joining a divorce support group or going to counseling. Talk to people who’ve been through it so you know what to potentially expect, emotionally, mentally and financially. Also consider getting emotional support for your children, and keep communicating with them throughout the process to determine if there will need to be a therapeutic intervention. Some signs are changes in behavior, such as problems in school, fighting, or becoming withdrawn or angry.

References
Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide
Divorce 360: Beginning Checklist: Planning to File for Divorce

Related posts

• August 3, 2011 -- How to Know When You’re Dating a Loser (And Possible Abuser)
• July 12, 2011 -- Massachusetts Teen Victim of Dating Violence
• June 23, 2011 -- The Internet Can Help Us to Find True Compatibility
• March 24, 2011 -- Remaining Friends After a Breakup
• October 10, 2010 -- Are They “The One”?
• June 4, 2009 -- Single With Children
• October 26, 2008 -- The Truth about Dating Violence

1. Don’t Start With “Hi”

While “hi” is a perfectly nice thing to say, it’s not incredibly interesting. Almost anyone who receives their fair share of attention on a dating site with IM features routinely gets so many “hi”s that they become easy to ignore. Your opener should make it obvious that you read their profile and were so interested that you simply had to IM them. For example, asking someone their opinion of the book that they just read cries out for a response much more urgently than a generic greeting. Think of something memorable and unique to them. The effort you put forth will put a smile on their face.

2. Ditch the Small Talk

Chit-chat about the weather or what you both did last weekend won’t do much to increase their interest level. Flex your conversational muscle. Be funny, witty, and always interesting. They’ll love the way your IMs keep them on their toes. Don’t be afraid to be confident and respectfully flirtatious. It’s a much bigger risk to be boring and safe, especially during a conversation that can end immediately. Don’t have them close your window with a yawn — keep it lively.

3. Keep the Conversation Short

Don’t overstay your welcome. Once it’s clear that they’re interested, bring the conversation to a gentle close. Leaving them wanting more is infinitely preferable to a long IM session that exhausts all conversation and has them ending it with a bored “Anyway…” Unless the interest level is through the roof for both of you, you probably shouldn’t ask for a date immediately. But you should advance the idea of a face-to-face meeting in the near future. Tell them about a cafe you love or a new restaurant you’re dying to try. Make it obvious that you’re interested in their company and that you intend to raise the stakes sooner rather than later. A little forwardness can work in your favor. Even during a first conversation.

4. Be Interesting — But Be Interested, Too

In your conversation, make it very clear that you read their profile. Ask them questions about themselves, about their careers and extracurricular passions. A genuine interest will be much more attractive to them than any line. Listening skills can be apparent even over IM. And, yes, they’re very attractive.

5. Use IM to Quickly Move Past IM

Even the most fascinating IM sessions will soon lose their thrill. After two or three (at most), ask for a face-to-face meeting and a number. Too many IMs will make them wonder if you’re looking for a chat buddy instead of a romantic partner. Once you rapidly escalate the interest level via IM, you should strike while your text banter still makes them smile. If you wait too long, they’ll undoubtedly move on to someone with more initiative.

Related posts

• November 3, 2010 -- Open Communication
• January 26, 2012 -- How To Get the Boys Falling At Your Feet
• November 10, 2011 -- Three Easy and Inexpensive Ways to Get a Man to Notice You
• October 13, 2011 -- Title: 10 Signs that She is Attracted to You
• October 13, 2011 -- Is She Playing Hard to Get? Decode Mixed Signals
• March 21, 2011 -- Flirt Naughty – New European Online Dating Site
• March 8, 2011 -- Does “Instant Attraction” Break New Ground?