Recently, in a large city in Australia, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym..

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.  They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don’t exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them … where is IT? Therefore, they don’t have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:  I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, *Good grief, look how smart I am!*

What is wrong with this letter? Oh where do I start??

1. Ask any man “Mermaid or Whale”. I will bet you money the answer would be mermaid. That’s why they will risk death to get close to one.
2. Men might like a whale, but they won’t jerk off to one.
3. Whales are plain, you find them in nature. You see one occasionally.. woopidee dooda.
   Mermaids are mythical creatures, full of wonders and inspires great stories and religions.
4. If you’re fat, you’re fat. Admit it. Don’t argue about it and try and find some stupid ways of justifying it.
5. Body weight has no scientific or medical correlation to intelligence. Just because you’re fat, does not automatically make you smart. Vice versa, just because you’re skinny doesn’t make you stupid. To even suggest all your brain is in your ass is preposterous. Maybe your head is in your ass… too far up might I add.
6. Fat people are medically unhealthy. Same is true for overly skinny. So for your personal health sake and the sake of other people’s eye balls, get your head out of your ass and go to the Mermaid Gym and drop some whale blubber. It’ll provide illumination to the Inuit culture for a month.
7. To suggest fatness breeds culture is equally absurd. I dare venture to say that fit people are more cultured. They don’t have a body image issue, they’re less repulsive, they’re less likely to have depression and therefore a much more up-beat personality. Nobody likes a bitter cow… oh sorry, whale.
8. Mermaids are equally good singers, if not better than whales. Why else would grown sailors risk the treacherous waters to get to them based on the melody and voice alone? I have never heard anyone swim out to sea just to see a whale.
9. Fundamental Philosophical existence argument error. If you have been cultured enough (with your ginormous ass or not) to take Philosophy 101, you would’ve learned this: Just because something exists, or is natural doesn’t automatically make it better, or right. This is a fundamental argument error. And since it’s philosophical, you can’t argue against it, you’ll just create a loop of never ending arguments.
10. Why is the whole baby thing even brought up? How does having whale babies any more attractive or appealing than being a whale yourself? I reckon mermaids have a wonderful sex life. For all you know, they’re doing some kind of psychological mind f*ck. After all, whales are surrounded by other fat sea mammals (dolphins, sea lions), while mermaid are surrounded by 6 pack ab’ed merman carrying rather large tridents.
11. And seriously… if a mermaid will smell like a fish store, then the whale must be like the entire wharf – just like a fish store, only jumbo. How is that an argument in your favour?

Seriously woman, take the next grease soaked complaint letter, scrunch it up, and throw it in the garbage can filled with pizza boxes and burger wrappers. You can use that physical energy and whatever little mental power it took you to write the goddamn thing to drag yourself out of that oversized chair (hopefully you haven’t stuck to) and go run a lap or two. Maybe you’ll even get a merman trainer.

Fitness is a choice. Live with the one you’ve made for yourself and shut up. The truth is, media or no media, everyone wants to be beautiful. If you’re beaufitul and at peace with it, you shouldn’t need to argue. Last I checked, whales aren’t capable of human speech anyway.

Before:

Lots of clutter. I’m trying to go for the Zen look but unfortunately with all the garbage (and a litter box) it’s hardly a calming space. So I went out and bought a wall cabinet to try and contain my mess. The cabinet I bought at Zellers (for about $40). It was easy to assemble and cheap. You can also take it with you when you move. Just a bucket of mudding from Home Depot to patch the holes and you’re golden. The cabinets came with plastic L-brackets… which looked dinky and rediculous. So for $3 more I got a set of 4 1-in aluminum L-brackets from Home Depot to bulk it up. I used hammer-in butterfly wall anchors to make sure tha cabinet is secured to the wall. Since, I’ll for sure be loading it with bottles and jars.

After:

It still requires work but MUCH MUCH better. It’s surprising how much the cabinet holds! No I didn’t take any bottles and hide them in the other room for this shot. If you don’t believe me… see below.

I did one thing… and increased my traffic 10 fold. Mind you. My humble little blog is by no means successful. My problem is there’s too many things I’m interested in and it’s hard for me to narrow it down.

Still… doing one thing, and one thing only, increased my traffic.

And that would be….
Use your Twitter account!

With the new WordPress’s built in short-URL feature, coupled with hash tag feature of Twitter, it’s very easy to generate targeted traffic to your blog. Wordpress also tracks the Twitter entry as a ping-back.

Try it today!

Goal Tender:
- Brodeur
- Fleury
- Luongo

Defense:
- D-Boyle
- Doughty
- Doyle
- Keith
- Niedermayer (Captain)
- Pronger (Assistant Captain)
- Seabrook
- Weber

Forward:
- Bergeron
- Crosby
- Getzlaf
- Heatley
- Iginla
- Marleau
- Morrow
- Nash
- Perog
- Richards
- Staal
- Thornton
- Toews

So excited!! And I have tickets!! ….. no not to the men’s gold. Not even team Canada.. but men’s hockey nontheless. Getting pumped for the Olympics!

Apparently changes can still be made to the team roster. The player selection above is not set in stone. Read more at National Post.

It just so happens that a friend of a friend of mine is starting the P90X program, designed to tone and drop pounds all in a 13 week program.

So I’m set my target date to be April 1st and I will be starting the P90X program with my boyfriend. I will be blogging my triumphs and failures and maybe some do’s and dont’s as I discover them. And tracking my vital stats. Think of this as an… total review package for the program. Subscribe to this category and follow me on Twitter tagged p90x to see my progress.

The only problem was the tiny bath room. It was literally 5ft across. I could reach wall to wall with my arm extended. Not only that, the ceiling was slanted from the original roof line. So to make the bathroom more manageable I did a series of bathroom renos, all on a student’s budget.

• Removing the baseboards. This is fairly simple and self explanatory. Using an Exacto knife, I trimmed along the caulking line to loosen it, and the just pried it off using a flat head screw driver. Pull the boards out slowly so it doesn’t snap and you can preserve most of the finishing nails. Use a piece of masking tape to label which piece goes where so you remember when you put them back. Unless of course, you’re upgrading then just get new ones cut.

• Removing the toilet. In order to remove and replace the tiles, the toilet had to be removed first. To do this, first turn off the water outlet. You can find this close to the bottom of the toilet along the back wall. Then, flush. This should mostly empty the tank. The rest of the water… well, that’s the gross part. Use a ladle or other scooping device… remove all the water from the tank and the bowl. Then disconnect the water line, and remove the two bolts holding the base to the floor. Also, remove the two bolts holding the tank to the bowl. Yes, it’s a two part system and makes it easier to remove. Take the tank off the base. Then with the bolt removed on the base, gently rock the base until it loosens itself from the wax ring. Get someone to help you to lift it up and out of the way. Use a spatula of sorts to remove the old wax ring and throw away. Then stuff a rag loosely in the hole to prevent fumes coming into your room.  You will need a new wax ring when you want to put the toilet back.

• Replaced the laminate floor tiles. The original flooring was an ugly gray faux marble 12×12 laminate tile. The corners were starting to peel from the floor boards. I’ve always loved wood floors and it’s a small enough area to manage price wise. Unfortunately, I didn’t own a circular saw or jigsaw to cut the board to fit the cabinet. So to make matters simple, I purchased 1 box of faux wood laminates from Home Depot. These ones are long like regular wood laminate boards and have over a lapping sticky lip to prevent peeling. It’s also textured to mimic real wood.All was required was a ruler, pencil and Exacto knife to score the boards. After scoring, a slight bend snaps it along the score line. All works perfectly. Start from the straightest corner and work your way across and down. This minimizes the number of pieces you have to cut. As well, stagger your cuts so that not all the edges line up. When staggered, the adhesive is stronger for the hold.  I’ve had the floor for about 3 years now… no sign of bubbling.

• Replace the toilet. This is essentially removing the toilet backwards. Like I said, you’ll need a new wax ring. Take the rag out from the hole and throw away. Set your new wax ring at the bottom of the toilet base following the instructions on the box. Don’t put it on the floor! Once the base is on. Tighten the two bolts on the floor. Attach the tank to the base and secure the two bolts. Don’t use any tools when tightening the bolts. Just hand screw it tight. If you use a tool you risk cracking the porceline. Connect the water line and turn it on. Your tank should begin filling. Once filled. Flush to check for leaks.  Your toilet should now function normally. Now is also a good time to replace the flap, the part that stops the water flow from the tank to the bowl. There are many “low-flow” flap options out there and very easy to replace. That’s right… you don’t need a “low flow toilet”, just a $6 flapper to be eco-friendly. They come with instructions on how to adjust the flow for your purpose.

• Replace the baseboards. With the flooring and toilet back in place, you can hammer the floor boards back in place. Caulk the seam to complete the look. If you don’t remember which one goes where… you should’ve listen in step one. Trial and error my friend… trial and error.

• Custom under the sink storage. With small spaces, the storage is also lacking. As well, with the slant roof, there’s nothing much I can do to height wise. So I was left with stuffing things under the sink. I saw these great MDF drawers in one of the Storage magazines… unfortunately, I’m not about to invest $1000  into a garage full of wood working tools. So began my search for another option…

  I decided to take half of my cabinet and create drawers since the drainage was in the way on the other half. So I measured the interior dimensions and when to Home Depot to have a piece of MDF cut to size for me.  I also found these IKEA Snack boxes that I turned into drawers. I had to trim them to size with an Exacto knife and a hand saw. But it was simple enough. And the metal corner brackets hides the rough edges. I installed full extension draw sliders on each and voila! Custom under the sink storage. I also stained shlacked the drawers to prevent moisure damage should the sink leak.

  The end result was wonderful and I got a ton more storage out of it.

I am by no means a Taylor Swift fan but her songs are somewhat catchy and speaks to a generation of tweenies. Now who doesn’t wish to be the Juliette to their high school jock’s Romeo? Or to have that jock Romeo actually notice you sitting plainly and tom-boyishly in the bleachers with your sneakers and t-shirt whilst his cheer captain girlfriend dances on the side lines short skirt, heels, jiggly boobs and all? Every teenage girls dream.

It’s such tragedy in itself that teenage girls think of “Romeo & Juliette” as the ultimate love story and not realize it’s written as a tragedy. Or many that’s just Shakespeare’s great joke on us all. Maybe the greatest love story ARE tragedies.  But that’s beside the Swift point.

So besides the Kanye stint from the VMA, Taylor is getting another swift kick in the ass (you really have to forgive me for the repeated puns) from country music veteran Wynonna Judd. Judd says Swift is too young to win the Entertainer of the Year award. OK. Hold up. Since when age is a limit on anything?? The fact that I don’t even know who Wynonna Judd is speaks for the situation in itself. I know who Kenny Rogers is, but who the fuck is Wynonna Judd?? And no, I can’t be bothered to actually Google her accomplishments.

Frankly, there has been too many suffering from the BOP syndrome lately, Bitter Old People. You know you’re suffering from BOP when:

1. You think because you’re older you deserve more respect
2. You think because you’re older you MUST be wiser
3. You equate age with knowledge

I had a conversation with my co-workers once. They all widely believed that 20 year old never deserves to be in a management position simply because they’re too young. Yes, I am the youngest one in the office sitting at a infantile age of 24 while most of the office personal have racked up 24 years of service within the same company already. Needless to say, being the obnoxiously argumentative person that I am, I said “oh no no no… I don’t believe that at all”. My opposing statment was quickly faced with a synchronized cranking of necks with a blatent what-did-you-just-dare-say look.

Guess what, kids are growing up in a MUCH MUCH better environment than when their grandmother was growing up. Adults MUST accept that. Kids are no longer smoking up in bathrooms to rebel, they’re blowing up houses with meth labs instead. In this day and age, everything needs to be bigger and better (with the exception of iPods.. in which case the smaller the better). The entire world is a giant dick swinging contest.

Things are more expensive now too, and jobs pay less and less. Senority is going to matter less and less. Instead a merit based workplace will emerge.  Whoever can get the most done in the shortest amount of time gets the job. People used to need professional computer training (remember those video profession CD’s??). Now, every 13 year old has a smart phone, iPod, laptop, xBox, Wii, PS3… you name it. Tickle Me Elmos just don’t tickle children’s hearts anymore.  And every Scrabble game now will be played with words like “Leet”, “Cheezeburger”, “booze” and “dope”.

So, seriously… grow up people. If a 20 year old can get your manager job that you worked 40 years to get.. suck it up. Frankly, everything is evaluated on a different level now. Try and be the older and better person and just congratulate the youngin. You’re on your way out anyway with the boomer generation. And when you retire, you’ll hope that your son/daughter earning the managerial income.

I personally think someone ringed the alarm on purpose just to get a glimpse of the stars. Robert and Kirsten standing outside together probably further fueled the “dating” fire. Pun intended.

One of these remedies, as they were talking about on the radio, was hanging onions in homes. At first, I had confused this with hanging garlic around your home. Of course, to fend off the onslaught of vampire movies, novels, TV shows, merchandise… etc etc spark by none other than a bushy haired teenager and a poorly written novel and ghastly filmed/directed movie known to many as the Twilight phenomenon.  However I was quickly correct by my co-worker that these are onions… not garlic. Which, makes sense… as thousands flock to bookstores and to the streets of Vancouver just to try and get a glimpse of the stars of Twilight, why would they want to ward them off?

I thought out loud… people! It’s a flu. Not the bloody chupakapra…. but before I could even finish my co-worker piped about about some old wives’ tale about wart removal. And how they really do work and superstition isn’t just superstition.

Being a woman of science, my natural response to this was of course curse.. urr.. I mean, research. And where better to do research then the completely unaudited Google and Wikipedia??

Funny enough I did find this book:

Encyclopędia of Superstitions, Folklore, and the Occult Sciences of the World – By Cora Linn Daniels, C. M. Stevan

Seems like an interesting book to check out.

It all started when some guy named David Mann wrote into the Vancouver 24hrs daily paper with a comment saying he will not willingly give up his seat on the bus/train for a pregnant women because pregnancy is a choice. This of course generated countless return fires from men and women (who probably all think they’re SO fucking righteous because they couldn’t disagree with Mr. Mann more).

Let me just quote one reply from one douche bag of a woman, who might I add, will never have a hope of getting married not because men are inconsiderate, but because you’re a stupid illogical bitch.

“David Mann and Rob Cross.. dang you guys are in a class of your own. If tehre is many more men like that in the world I don’t see any hope for me ever getting married. Rob comparing fat men and pregnant ladies is ridiculous! If a fat man falls down on the bus because he as forced to stand I would care much less as opposed to a pregnant woman falling and possibly hurting the fetus. (My only worry with the fat man is that he will crush someone.) At least ask a pregnant woman if she declines the seat then that’s OK, but at least you feel better being nice to a fellow human being as opposed to being an ignorant jerk. Pregnancy is a choice yes but you should realize without a woman’s ability to give birth where would we be? Oh yea… Extinct.” – Marjetta Kuurne

Wow. Where do I start? I guess, first of all.. what kind of fucked up name is Marjetta Kuurne??? I’m sorry but your parents sure had a sense of humour. Maye I am indeed mistaken. Maybe the reason why you haven’t gotten married is not your ignorant bitchiness. It is clearly in your name. Since I have no idea if Marjetta Kuurne is a person or a fucking disease. “Ma’am, I’m sorry to inform you you only have 2 weeks to live. You have a case of the Marjetta Kuurne”.

Or rather it sounds like a stupid accent developed by someone with a bad case of terminal brain cancer. “Marjetta ran into da wall a ser grocery stoor don ser shreet… durrrr”. Give me a fucking break.

Second of all, how is a fat man different from a pregnant woman again?? Let me just break this down to see if I can understand your ill constructed argument better.

Fat man: Carrying more weight than his normal “one-person” body weight.
Pregnant woman: Carrying more weight than her normal “one-person” body weight.

… hmm.. so far nothing. Besides the gender. Lets just leave the gender out of the  picture to pretend that this Marjetta lady was ACTUALLY trying to be fair. So we’ll say it’s a fat woman shall we??

Fat woman falls: Might crush someone
Pregnant woman falls: Might crush someone

I don’t know.. still nothing.

Fat woman: Can still stand minus some discomfort caused by her own weight. Which, she might or might not have put on by personal choice.
Pregnant woman: Can still stand minus some discomfort caused by her own weight. which, she might or might not have put on by personal choice.

Oh wow… still nothing. How strange.

Fat woman: is a fellow human being.
Pregnant women: is a fellow human being.

So honestly I don’t know how you constructed your stupid ass argument Marjetta. You’re an ignorant and judgemental fool. And I hope you never get married or have children for all the people who have to suffer your scrutinating ways.

24hrs even went as far as sending a fake pregnant woman on the skytrain to test to see how many people would get up. This is just absurd. The amount of tired, sickly people who had to get their butt out of a seat that they probably had to rush/stand and wait to get for a fucking fraud… wow. And this is exactly why you should not get a seat because you look pregnant. For all I know you just have really bad gas. In which case, get the fuck off the train because you diarrhea all over the goddamn place in which honest civic workers will have to clean up after you.

On a more different case, Troy Wu.. aaah. A man after my own heart. Now there’s a logical and reasonable man. Unfortunately all the ladies would miss this wonderful catch of a man because they’re too busy being cunts. And then wonder “why can’t I get married?? why is there no good man out there?”. Ladies, it’s not that there’s no good man out there, it’s you’re too busy in your own fucking little head going “me me me me” that you’re missing out. So I hope you all turn out to be lesbians to save the good men of this world some fucking headache and half of his hard earned assets because you chose to stay pregnant so you could have a sorry ass excuse to sit at home and pretend your life is hard work.

“RE: Lydia: Respect is earned, not given simply because one is pregnant. Courtesy goes both ways, and entitlement hardly qualifies as courtesy. She should consider driving/taxi as public transit isn’t safe. Don’t worry about increase carbon footprint as a child adds 9400 tons of CO2 (50 million km of driving) to the parent’s footprint, trumping benefits from all recycling, car-pooling, & transit-taking one could ever do.” – Troy Wu.

God I love this man! Logical argument founded on facts. Wow. I can’t do anything but admire and appauld him.

So really, as a courtesy to not cause anyone having to stand up for you, and to save the planet, just stop having kids. Plus, you’re probably too dumb to raise anything decent anyway. And you would save the planet from over population from ignorant bastards like yourself. Thank you Mr. Wu. A well constructed argument indeed. Pregancy is a choice. Don’t let your choice affect others. Own up to it.