A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, ‘I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?’

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, ‘What happened? Is she all right?’

The operator replies, ‘I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!’

On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

“I do have three hearts,” said the doctor. “The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It’s $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It’s $500,000.”

“Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!”

“Yes, but it’s from a laywer. It’s never been used.”

The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?”

The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now… The 45th bus just went by!”

“How much does it cost for engineer brain?”

“Three dollars an ounce.”

“How much does it cost for programmer brain?”

“Four dollars an ounce.”

“How much for lawyer brain?”

“$1,000 an ounce.”

“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”

“Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

The man says, “What’s the problem officer?”

Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”

Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”

Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”

Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.”

Man: “Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.”

The man turns to his wife and yells, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

The wife says, “No, only when he’s drunk.”

- What’s the matter ? asks Spiderman.

- Well to tell you the truth, I haven’t had “IT” for months and it’s really getting to me comes the reply.

- Its funny you should say that, on the way here I was swinging past Wonder Womans apartment and she was lying on her bed in the altogether with her legs akimbo says Spiderman with a grin..

- What do you mean ? asks Superman

- Well with your powers you could dive in, do the business and be out before she knows what hit her Spiderman replies

- Ok I’ll do it…..

Off he goes to Wonder Womans apartment and sure enough shes still lying on her bed as if waiting for something !! He shoots through the window, straight in, does the job and flys straight back to the Bar.

- Bloody hell says Wonder Woman, What the hell was that ?

- I don’t know – but my arse is in pieces replied the Invisible Man…..

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.

The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, “Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?”

USA Today:
WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER

Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:
‘BYE

Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady’s Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft’s Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN’T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?
You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge… just an *sshole.